Chapter Text
“Oh shit,” Joshua hurriedly shoves the last pieces of clothing into the open backpack on his bed in time for the front door to slam shut.
He had returned to the apartment to collect more clothes while Seungcheol and Jeonghan were both out. He didn’t have enough courage to face either of them at the time.
Joshua wasn’t sure about how much Seungcheol knew about what had happened between Jeonghan and himself. But he still wasn’t willing to take the risk of facing Seungcheol. Joshua was confident Seungcheol would only need to take one look at Joshua to figure out the secret he had protected for all these years. The secret, which was slowly being revealed to more and more people, much to Joshua’s dismay. Had he been naive for believing that his crush on his best friend wouldn’t eventually ruin their relationship? Or maybe he had been naive for hoping that his straight best friend would magically turn gay and like him back.
Joshua eyes his closed door – maybe if he was fast enough, he could make it to the front door without being caught. He wasn’t even sure which of his roommates had come home but if luck was on his side, it would be Seungcheol and not Jeonghan.
His door remains closed and soon enough Joshua hears the faint sound of the shower running. Breathing out a sigh of relief, Joshua zips his backpack shut and takes a sweeping look across his room. Aside from the slightly rumpled bed sheets the room looked untouched, just as he had left it a couple of weeks ago. He’d debated with himself over leaving a note to Seungcheol and Jeonghan. But every time Joshua had tried to put pen to paper – nothing would come. He wanted to apologize, to explain, to defend himself, to ask for time, but nothing felt right.
Joshua takes a deep breath and puts a small piece of paper with the only two words he had been able to come up with on his desk, before grabbing his bag and walking towards his door. He peeks his head out, and after checking that no one is in the hallway he slowly makes his way to the front door.
“Running off again, are we?” Joshua’s body stiffens with his hand on the door handle. He doesn’t even need to turn around to know the expression Jeonghan’s wearing on his face – but he does it anyway, and blinks in surprise.
Jeonghan looks rough - rough like he hasn’t slept at all since Joshua last saw him. His hair is put carelessly into a bun and his clothes seem to hang even looser than normal. But it’s Jeonghan’s face that makes Joshua want to close his eyes and look away from his best friend. Jeonghan looks cold and like he’s looking at a stranger while he’s looking at Joshua, who at this point doesn’t know if he should just leg it out the door.
But he doesn’t.
Because how could he when Jeonghan seems to have frozen him in place.
“Jeonghan,” Joshua’s voice cracks and he swallows. He doesn’t want to look at Jeonghan right now, not when he’s looking at him with such cold, dead eyes.
“Don’t ‘Jeonghan’ me. Where are you running off to now?” Joshua shrinks into himself as Jeonghan takes a step forward.
“Jeonghan-” Joshua’s heart wrenches in his chest and despite himself he takes a small step towards Jeonghan. “No, I’m just- staying with Vernon and Seungkwan.”
“Are you moving out?”
“Do you want me to?”
Joshua’s breath hitches as Jeonghan takes a moment to answer and he seems to lose some of the coldness before he shakes his head and pierces Joshua with a hard look again.
“That’s not up to me. And it’s not like it matters anyway. You do whatever you want either way.”
“That’s not true, Jeonghan you know it’s not,” protests Joshua and takes another step towards Jeonghan. At this point he can almost reach out and touch him.
“No one is forcing you to stay away.”
“I just need some time.”
“You’re the one who said it wasn’t a big deal! And yet the second I come home you’re gone!”
“It’s not about that! It’s just-”
“Just what? Say it. What is the issue? Is it me? Is it Seungcheol? Spit it out, Joshua.”
“Fine! It’s you! You’re the issue! It’s like I can't breathe with you always over me like this! I just need space, leave me alone!”
Both of them freeze as Joshua’s words hang in the air. Jeonghan looks as taken aback as Joshua feels, clearly not having expected that. For a second Joshua thinks he sees Jeonghan’s eyes glitter with unshed tears before he narrows them with a cold glare at Joshua.
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize you hated me that much that you feel the need to go to this length.”
“I never said I hated you, Jeonghan, please-” Now it’s Joshua who feels on the verge of crying as Jeonghan takes a step back and turns his back towards Joshua.
“Just go.”
“Jeonghan,” whispers Joshua and feels his heart crumble in his chest as he watches Jeonghan leave him by the front door without looking back. Joshua flinches as the bathroom door slams shut and he’s left all alone once again.
He stays by the front door for what feels like ages before finally getting himself together enough to open the door and leave. The ride back to Seungkwan and Vernon’s place is a blur. All Joshua can think of is the last look in Jeonghan’s eyes before leaving him.
The moment Joshua steps into Seungkwan and Vernon’s apartment and the door gently shuts behind him, his knees buckle before giving out and he falls to the floor, the tears he’s been holding in finally releasing like a dam and his sobs echo throughout the empty apartment.
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The next couple of weeks are relatively uneventful. Joshua goes to school, where he tries to avoid most of his friends;
“Shua hyung!”
“Yo, Josh!”
Two voices, of which Joshua knows all too well, assault him as soon as he takes a step out of the classroom. He’s given mere seconds of apologizing to his classmates before Mingyu throws an arm around his shoulders, and Seokmin deftly releases Joshua from the bag and the books he’s carrying.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages! You know, I actually feel like I last saw you at the party, isn’t that crazy? That was like weeks ago,” Mingyu chatters excitedly besides his place next to Joshua. “We’re all eating out on the field today, it’s so sunny today, I feel like it’s at least like 25 degrees outside. You know it actually reminds me of when you and Jeonghan-”
Normal Joshua would listen with amusement and fondness to Mingyu’s endless chatter, watching as Seokmin chirped in between while they all walked towards their waiting group of remaining friends. They would have lunch together filled with chatter and laughter – Joshua would smile along, make jokes, and next to him would be a comforting weight joking and laughing along with everyone else while still prioritizing Joshua’s smile and feelings first.
But the current version of Joshua knows that isn’t the picturesque scene which would greet him. This version of himself that Joshua had come to hate so much these past weeks – was tired, hurt and most of all weak. He wasn’t strong enough to confront all his friends at once and especially not Jeonghan, or rather the lack of Jeonghan.
At the mention of Jeonghan’s name Joshua involuntarily freezes and the sharp pang in his chest almost makes him gasp. Without really thinking he takes a step away from Mingyu and Seokmin who both give him concerned looks.
“Hyung-”
“Shua hyung, are you okay?”
They’re both concerned – Joshua knows that, but the intense stare Seokmin gives Joshua makes him want to cover himself up, disappear from the face of the earth. Seokmin already knows about Joshua’s stupid crush. If the group had been talking about the past weeks, it probably wouldn’t be long before Seokmin figured it all out. The question then would be whether he’d tell the rest of their friends about Joshua’s feelings. Joshua doesn’t think Seokmin would do that and yet-
“I’m fine, I just have other lunch plans. I’ll see you guys later,” Joshua grabs his stuff from a speechless Seokmin, and without a second glance at his friends he quickly leaves, walking with quick steps to the nearest bathroom which he promptly locks as tears start welling up in his eyes.
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Joshua continues to dodge his friends whenever they try to invite him anywhere, and leaves if the short surface leveled conversations they sometimes do have threaten to go deeper than that, or if Jeonghan’s name is ever mentioned.
“Haven’t seen you in a while.”
Joshua nearly jumps out of his skin, as a bag is carelessly tossed onto the table, and Seungcheol casually sits down in the chair next to Joshua’s. He glances away from the laptop sitting in front of him to peek at his friend and is met with a hard stare that has him looking away in guilt.
“I’ve been busy, sorry.” Joshua hopes that Seungcheol picks up on the sincerity in his apology, and maybe he does because Seungcheol’s features soften somewhat, and he gives a shrug in return.
“So, I’ve heard.”
There’s a silence but Joshua takes comfort in it. All of his friends know him well, but he and Seungcheol were roommates for years, which gives Seungcheol an edge in the knowledge of Joshua. Joshua doesn’t like to be pushed or bombarded with lots and lots of questions. Instead, preferring to take the time he needs before he’s ready to say what he needs.
Joshua finally caves after ten minutes of Joshua silently typing on his essay, and Seungcheol alternating between scrolling on his phone, watching the people around them or Joshua. “How have you been?”
“How have you been, Shua?”
“I asked you first.”
“But I’m not the one acting different.”
“Cheol.”
“Joshua.”
Joshua looks away. His gaze landing on two people sitting a couple of tables away, their chairs pressed as close as possible with their hands safely interlocked with each other. One of them leans in closer to whisper something and the other one giggles quietly in return.
“Shua,” a hand falls gently on Joshua’s arm, and he’s snapped back to reality as Seungcheol gives him a worried look. “You can talk to me, you know?”
“I’m sure you already know everything, don’t you? There’s no way he wouldn’t be able to hold his tongue this long.”
“I don’t know everything.” The hand on his arm gives a gentle, comforting squeeze. “I don’t know your side of the story.”
“My side doesn’t really matter, Cheol. The result is still the same in the end.”
“You two love each other-”
“In different ways. Cheol, I’ve been deluding myself long enough to know the truth. And, I don’t know, maybe this is for the best. Once the wound isn’t as fresh. I’ll gladly hangout with you all again.”
“...promise?”
Joshua looks at Seungcheol. Really looks at him and guilt once again floods his heart. Seungcheol may look fine on the outside, but looking deeper Joshua could see the disheveled state he really was in; his hair messier than usual, the faint dark circles beneath his eyes and the way his whole body sagged as he sat down.
“Of course. I promise.” Joshua carefully linked his pinky with Seungcheol’s and was rewarded with a gentle smile as his friend gave a rueful nod.
“I should go,” sighs Seungcheol and stands to gather his stuff, “I’m the only one on kitchen duty nowadays and I’ll most definitely will get complaints if I’m late.”
“Sorry, I know it’s all my fault-”
“It’s fine, Shua. Take all the time you need. Just know, you’re missed.”
With a hearty clap on his shoulder Seungcheol leaves, and Joshua is left with his thoughts and feelings in turmoil.
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When he’s not at school or at work he camps out at Seungkwan and Vernon’s place where he proceeds to just lie on the couch with his eyes closed ignoring Vernon and Seungkwan’s worried glances.
“I can practically feel you guys staring at me. I’m fine.” Mumbles Joshua from where he’s lying on the couch, he now calls his bed, with an arm gently draped over his eyes.
“We’re just worried,” Joshua hears the shuffling of feet moving closer to the edge of the couch and Seungkwan’s gentle, worried voice. “Don’t you want to do something? We could go to the park?”
“And possibly run into ‘he who shall not be named’? No, thank you.” Joshua swiftly replies.
Another set of feet shuffling closer to where he lies and Vernon’s steady, comforting voice comes from above his head. “Jeonghan hyung would never hang out in the park if he had a choice.”
“Exactly. So, we could have a picnic, or maybe just bike around the area?”
“Nothing is stopping the others from dragging him out, just like you guys are trying to do with me.”
When he’s met with silence Joshua removes his arm from his face and sits up to properly look at his two friends. Seungkwan crouched down next to the couch and Vernon standing by the edge of the couch right next to where Joshua had placed his head earlier.
“Look, I’m sorry I’m such a downer. You guys should go out and have fun. I just don’t want to risk seeing him, it would hurt too much.”
“We get it hyung.” Seungkwan reaches out and grabs Joshua’s hands with his own. “We just want to help and thought some fresh air would be nice.”
“You’re always just wallowing by yourself, so we thought you might need some help.”
“I am not wallowing.”
“Seungkwan was on the verge of calling the hospital.”
“I was not! Joshua, he’s lying, I was just concerned for my friend.”
“I saw you googling, ‘how to cheer up someone who is sad’.”
“So!? That’s just me being a good friend! You should really take a page out of my book sometimes.”
Joshua tries to stifle a laugh behind the back of his hand, but before he knows it, he’s clutching his stomach in tears as he laughs at the scene unfolding before his eyes. Seungkwan and Vernon both stop their bickering simultaneously and turn to stare at Joshua with wide eyes.
“Oh my god.”
“He’s laughing! You’re finally laughing!”
“You don’t need to hit me, Seungkwan. I can see him.”
“It’s thanks to me, right hyung?”
As they both start to chatter again, Joshua takes a deep breath and wipes a tear from his eye. “God, sorry, you two should be a standup duo.”
“Never mind that we’re just glad to see you laugh again.”
“Yeah, it’s been a while.”
“Well thank you both then.” Joshua’s heart warms at his friends' obvious concern for him and he smiles at them both. “How about that trip to the park?”
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Joshua had managed to avoid seeing even a glimpse of Jeonghan for weeks at this point. At this point he wasn’t sure who was avoiding who, since it seemed like Jeonghan was making as conscious of an effort as Joshua to not bump into him.
The fact that Jeonghan was avoiding him as well hurt more than Joshua thought. All throughout their relationship Jeonghan had always made an effort for them to see each other at least once a day if humanly possible.
If Joshua had been sick Jeonghan was the first person by his side nursing him back to health, and when Jeonghan in return caught Joshua’s cold he would threaten jailbreak if Joshua didn’t come see him – not that Joshua ever was hard to convince.
And whenever they used to fight in the past it would only last a couple of hours or a day before Jeonghan would admit it was his fault no matter the situation or who was actually at fault.
Therefore, the fact that Jeonghan really seemed to be avoiding him as well, hurt Joshua even more. No matter wanting some space for the sake of his own feelings, Joshua had sort of expected Jeonghan to show up and try to make up with him again.
“Maybe I should reach out first this time?” Mumbles Joshua to himself. While on his way to his afternoon class, he was as usual lately, thinking about Jeonghan. He’d sort of become used to walking alone at this point, but the way some people would give him looks and whisper to each other, still rubbed him the wrong way.
No doubt it was because he and Jeonghan used to always be inseparable, never leaving each other’s side for long, and always clinging to the other. Seeing them not even speaking to each other was most likely the school's new hot gossip for the next couple of weeks.
Being so deep in thought, and well used to tuning out the rest of the world, Joshua doesn’t notice as another pair of steps fall into the rhythm of his own.
“Wow, you sure are thinking hard over there. At what point will you notice me?” Joshua startles and comes to a full stop in the middle of the campus road. The other person continues to walk a couple of steps before turning around to face Joshua. “Ah, you stopped so suddenly, did you forget something?”
Joshua blinks. Confusion surely etched on his face as he studies the seemingly friendly man, trying to work out if he knew him from somewhere.
“We haven’t met.” Says the stranger as if he can read Joshua’s mind. He holds out his hand with a wide smile. “Well, I guess we officially haven’t met before. We do have psychology together. I sit two rows behind you.”
“I thought you looked a little familiar.” Joshua hesitates only slightly before taking the other man’s hand in his.
“I’m Choi Yejun.”
“Oh, I’m-”
“Hong Joshua. I know.”
It’s at that point, while still shaking Yejun’s hand, when he accidentally glances over the other man’s shoulder that he spots Jeonghan. Standing underneath one of the many trees littered around campus, most likely catching a break from the sun, he’s scrolling on his phone listlessly while seemingly waiting for someone.
The fact that Joshua hasn’t seen Jeonghan in weeks hits him like a truck and he can only stare at his best friend, trying to gauge from afar how he’s been. The first thing he notices is that Jeonghan’s previously long hair is now shorter, his clothes hang loosely on his already thin frame, and a pack of cigarettes in his long slim fingers. Since when did Jeonghan smoke? It’s all an unfamiliar sight that makes Joshua’s stomach churn uncomfortably.
Jeonghan is standing less than twenty meters away from Joshua, yet he’s never felt so far away.
Just as Joshua is about to look away, Jeonghan turns his head, and their eyes meet. It’s almost as if time, for a moment, stops. Jeonghan’s eyes widen slightly, but he doesn’t break eye contact. Joshua can’t seem to look away either. It’s like Jeonghan’s eyes are pulling him in, sucking him in until he can no longer think straight.
But as Joshua is about to take a step in Jeonghan’s direction, his hand is given a gentle squeeze. He automatically looks down and is reminded that he’s still holding Yejun’s hand in a handshake. When he looks back at Jeonghan, Jeonghan has already turned away from him.
“You, okay?” Yejun’s voice is gentle and kind as Joshua, dejectedly releases his hand, mind still reeling from actually seeing Jeonghan again. “Ah, did the two of you have a fight?”
Joshua looks back at Yejun and sees him looking in Jeonghan’s direction as well, a knowing glint in his eye. “Yeah, we did.”
“It’s hard fighting with friends. I’m sure you’ll make up.”
Yejun gives him a kind smile and Joshua can’t help but give him a small smile back.
“Actually, I wanted to ask you something.”
“Ask? Sure, what is it?”
Joshua tilts his head curiously. He did suspect Yejun had approached him for some reason. Maybe to ask him to join a group or for notes from their class together or-
“Would you like to go out with me?”
“Sure, I can-” Joshua freezes on his way to grab his notebook as Yejun’s words properly register in his brain. “I’m sorry- could you repeat that? I think I heard you wrong.”
“Do you want to go on a date with me? It doesn’t have to be soon. We can work out the details later- that is if you want to-”
Joshua is sure he heard Yejun correctly, yet he can’t bring himself to give an immediate answer. Going on a date with someone else while still in love with Jeonghan felt unfair to the other person. Yet, Jeonghan didn’t like him in the same way, and maybe going out with someone else would help him get over Jeonghan.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to! I get it! I’ll just...head to class now before I die of embarrassment-”
“Actually,” Joshua starts, quickly grabbing Yejun’s sleeve to prevent him from leaving. “I’d love to go on a date with you.”
Yejun’s eyes widen slightly before he gives Joshua a bright smile. “Great! Can I have your number? We'll work the details out later”
“Sure,” Joshua takes the outstretched phone and quickly types in his own number before he has the time to regret his own actions. “I should leave now or else I’ll be late but, text me.”
As Joshua hurries to his class, his phone dings with a message from an unknown number, a smile slowly spreads on his face as he turns around and Yejun waves his phone in the air.
“Don’t leave me on read, I’ll text you about the date.”
“Okay!” Joshua shyly waves back but quickly lowers it and turns back around as the people around them start to stare, his cheeks burning red from the attention. Half the campus probably heard them but at the moment, Joshua doesn’t care. For the first time in months, his stomach flutters with anticipation for his upcoming date.