Chapter Text
I rolled in my bed, dazed and bored out of my mind. I was reminiscing of my outing with Till earlier, but that wasn’t enough to satiate my boredom. Just a few minutes earlier I had roused out of my bed due to the nonstop chiming of my alarm. It’s as persistent as usual, and pesters me to leave my bed. Instead, I decided to just lie there and reflect, while thinking mindless thoughts. Nonetheless, it finally had harried me enough for me to leave the warm confines of my bed. I had forgotten to turn off the alarm last night, due to me basking in the joy of spending time with Till. I turn it off and then go to change, I ponder on last night. It was utterly fantastic, of course, but it had already happened. I chose a short sleeved white shirt and gray sweatpants, since I don’t have any plans of going out. I want to see Till again, but how can I? It’s not as if I can just ask to see him again the day after I met him, It’d seem odd. Once I finish changing, I go to my drawer near my bed, where my phone is buzzing. I look through my oldest notifications, some from apps and another from Mizi at five in the morning. It’s four minutes long, and I listen to it. As much as I love Mizi, what goes in one ear goes out the other. All I picked up was on how she met Sua, the woman I met moments before Mizi did. Sua is the sweetest and gorgeous girl in the universe - according to Mizi. Mizi declared those words with such genuineness it was admirable.
I look at my room, the simplicity and tidiness shocking. When I was younger, nearly everything was random and a mess. I have hardly any time to stay inside all day though, due to my gigs, so I assume that’s what makes up for it. There’s a lamp in one corner, and next to it a bed, where my drawer is. Across from my bed is the closet, and the door to the hall is on the same wall as well. A conveniently placed window is on the other wall. I usually close the curtain when I go to sleep, like last night. It’s currently dim inside of the room, so I open the curtains to reveal morning light. Across the window is a door to my bathroom, and that is where I will be heading next.
I hear Mizi tell me she wishes I had a good day as well and she’d go to sleep then, I hear another chime. I stop Mizi’s voicemail, and look at my notification center. I didn’t think she’d just woken up. Mizi is a very heavy sleeper and sleeps quite a lot. Instead of seeing one of my colleagues contacts, I see “Till (˶ˆᗜˆ˵)” instead. A smile dawns on my face, and I click on it to see what he had sent me.
Till (˶ˆᗜˆ˵)
Till: Hi, Ivan. Thank you for last night
[Image]
Sent 7:03 am
Read 7:26 am
I’m surprised to see Till up this early similar to I, but it doesn’t strike me as odd. After all, he does have those adorable eyebags. The photo is cute, too. It’s a half-selfie, one of Till eating the pastry I had given him. I quickly reply, hoping to strike a conversation with him.
Till (˶ˆᗜˆ˵)
Ivan: Good Morning, Till! It was my pleasure.
I’m sure the enjoyment was reciprocated
[Reacted “❤️” to the image]
Sent 7:28 am
I go to brush my teeth while I wait for a reply from Till, but once I enter the bathroom, I get a chime from my phone. I presume it’s Till, and I'm pleased when I am correct.
Till (˶ˆᗜˆ˵)
Till: Good morning as well, Ivan. I did enjoy it, but I wanted to ask if you’d like to meet up anytime soon? If not, that’s okay. You are right, I did enjoy last night.
Sent 7:30 am
Read 7:30 am
I glance at myself in the mirror. The message I was trying to convey of wanting to meet each other again wasn’t that evident last night, was it? I’ll attempt to message him quickly so he will reply as quickly as I will. Hopefully that doesn’t give him the wrong message. No pun intended.
Till (˶ˆᗜˆ˵)
Ivan: Of course, Till. What time would you be available to meet up? After you tell me, I’m sure we could decide where to go together. I’m glad you enjoyed it, as did I.
Till: I’m unfortunately unavailable for the next two weeks, but I’m sure Saturday on the 8th of next month would be okay. If that day is not okay with you, please let me know.
Ivan: I’m free that day, too. Do you have any idea on where you would like to go?
Till: Unfortunately not, I’m sorry. Do you?
Ivan: I have a place in mind, but I’d like it to be a surprise, if that’s okay with you.
Till: It’s alright, but I’ll be waiting. Ivan, I have practice now, so I have to go. Bye, talk to you later.
Ivan: Have a good practice! I’ll talk to you later, goodbye.
I just realized I’d been waiting in anticipation for every message he was typing. Every time I saw the bubbles appear on the screen, my breath was caught. It must be because I just woke up, I reasoned, but the rational part of my brain and heart was telling me something else. I splashed water on my face, although I had already done my skincare routine while texting Till. Mizi has been very strict on my skin, as well as Hyuna. If I have bad skin, I will gain less fans. That’s Hyuna’s reason. Mizi’s is just due to the fact that she cares for me and my skin. I exit the bathroom, entering my room, and I quickly exit again as I go to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for myself. The dining area is next to the kitchen, and the door to leave my apartment is somewhat near the dining table, if not in front of it. The task of making breakfast seems so tiresome due to the lack of sleep I have received. Instead of staying in the kitchen, I head to the living room and I collapse on my couch, my eyelids already drooping.
☆ ☆ ☆
Mizi is staring at me wide eyed, sipping her smoothie. “Are you sure? Like one hundred percent sure?”
“Yes, Mizi, I am.” I tell her, nodding. “Are you sure about Sua?”
“Well, yes, but that’s not the same thing!” Mizi fumes, flushing. “I feel like I’ve known her my entire life! We know practically everything about each other and have been meeting up with each other for weeks! You’ve just been consecutively talking to him-“
“Mizi, is he not friends with Sua?” I ask, drinking my coffee. “if you’re worried, just ask Sua about him and I’m sure she’ll give you answers.”
“Okay,” Mizi responds. “I just care for your well-being. I don’t want you to get hurt like last time.” Mizi looks up, sort of pouting. “Just tell me if he does anything to you.”
“I will, Mizi. Don’t worry.” I comfort her, reaching for her hand, before I notice a ring on her finger. I raise my eyebrow, and Mizi flushes again,
“Sua bought me a gift.” Mizi blushes, smiling.
“You two are still friends? Or are you hiding something from me?” I ask with a chuckle, but Mizi flushes even more, her face the same shade as her hair.
“I don’t know. I want to ask her on a date in a few days though. Wish me luck?” Mizi smiles, but I can see the nervousness crafted on her usually happy face.
“You don’t need luck, Mizi.” I smile, and get up from the table. “Wanna go watch a movie now?”
☆ ☆ ☆
Once Mizi and I arrive at the movies, I ask her which one she wants to watch. Mizi’s always been obsessed with acting, and watching movies or plays always brightens her mood. I’m sure this would brighten her mood, and take her mind off of her love life. Mizi looks interested in all the options, and examines the reviews and what the movies are about thoroughly before settling on a futuristic love story. Mizi often prefers to sit in the middle, so she doesn’t have to strain her neck, and she can also see the details and examine and analyze what is happening in the scenes. While I order the tickets for the both of us, I leave Mizi to her own devices as she picks out our snacks. She chose a pretzel for herself, some Sour Patch Kids, and a mixed ICEE for the two of us. The movie theater we attend offers colored straws, so Mizi condemned me to choose my own. Mizi happily picks the purple straw while I select the aquamarine one. Mizi and I walk through the silent halls of the theater, our footsteps echoing. It allows us to hear the commotion of the kids' movies, and the indistinct murmuring of the movies focused on horror. Once we enter the movie where “Love in Dreams” is being aired, we find our seats, muttering polite thanks to those who shuffle in order for us to walk past them. We finally reach our seats, and as soon as we do, the light dims.
“Mizi?” I hear a foreign yet familiar voice ask as my eyes adjust to the newfound darkness.
“Oh, Sua! Hi!” I hear Mizi cheerfully greet, and I can hear her practically immediately lighting up.
I go to look over to see Sua, and see not only her, but Till.
“Till, hello.” I welcome, surprised but jubilant nonetheless.
Till nods in acknowledgement but remains impassive. He looks hardened, in a way, when he turns his gaze to Mizi. Not warm and joyful like he was when we spent the night talking and shopping. He still remains captivating, though, and takes nearly all of my attention,
“Do you want to sit with Ivan and I?” Mizi asks chalantly, nothing but sheer adoration in her eyes when she gazes at Sua, and with that you can see Sua visibly melt.
“Of course, Mizi.” Sua responds, smiling and blushing, just the same as Mizi is. Sua nudges Till, who looks at her, unimpressed. Sua goes to take a seat next to Mizi, and Till goes to sit next to me.
“Hey,” Till starts, and it must be due to the faint lighting, but I could’ve sworn that blush tinted his ears.
“Hello,” I returned, smiling. “Do you have any snacks? I only bought an ICEE to share with Mizi, but I haven’t eaten anything solid since a few hours ago.”
“Yeah, sure, I have some candy if you’d like,” Till offers with a smile, but his expression had darkened slightly when I mentioned Mizi’s name.
As I accept his offering, our fingers brush and as blood rushes to my face, Till retracts his hand away quickly, and looks away from me, but not before his gaze had lingered on mine.
“Thank you,” I murmured, and placed candy into my mouth, the taste sour and sweet.
“Ivan,” Till starts carefully, the way he said my name full of emotion but his face remaining stoic. “Is Mizi leading Sua on?”
“No,” I reply simply. “I’m glad to know Sua reciprocates Mizi’s feelings, though.”
“I am, too.” Till states, and turns back to look at me, seemingly studying me. “Ivan.”
“Yes, Till?” I ask, hopeful, but careful to underplay my emotions.
“Nothing, I’m sorry. I forgot what I was going to say.” Till replies, turning himself away from me completely, blocking me out.
The lights then turn off completely, except for the minimal ones illuminating the exit pathways. The movie is simple as well as delightful, and it captured my heart. It’s about these two young lovers who love each other, they just don’t know it. They push each other away due to the fact they think that if they push each other away, they’ll just fall in love deeper. So, in disappointment and feeling nothing but unrequited love, the second main loves someone else while the main character still loves the second main character. Eventually, the partner of the second main character cheats on them, and the second main character reunites with the main character. However, before they can confess their love to one another, the main character dies. So the second main character lives thinking that the main character never loved them, when in reality the main character did all this time. It’s sorrowful, and I have to admit I weeped. I look over at Till, and he looks stunned, and almost… scared? As if he had seen a ghost.
“Till? Are you okay?” I ask, my face covered with concern.
“Yeah, I’m fine Ivan. I just feel a little light headed.” Till supplies, his eyes evoking a foreign memory. One of Till, seemingly younger and in completely white clothing. The rest of the memory is blurred, and I cannot make out the details of it.
“Alright. Would you like to stay seated for a while longer before we take leave?” I offer, holding out my arm for him to hold on to.
“Yeah, thanks. This must be a bother for you,” Till pauses, looking up at me. “I’m sorry, Ivan.”
☆ ☆ ☆
It’s been two weeks since I met Till, but only eight days since I last saw him. Today’s the eighth, the day Till had informed me that he was available. I glance around, looking at the crepe place, where I had chosen for us to eat at. It’s simple and modern, with lights illuminating the place, giving it a cozy feeling. The walls are striped pink and white, the chairs and tables in the small restaurant a warm brown, while the tablecloth is matching the wallpaper. The table I am sitting in currently is a table for two while I browse the menu. The window brings in natural light which essentially brightens the place. The register in the back is playing cheerful music on the small radio, two girls happily talking to each other as they wait for new customers. The main colors of the cafe itself are pink, white, and yellow. I adjust myself in the seat comfortably, browsing my phone as I wait for Till. I had sent Till the location a few minutes before I had arrived, so he should be here soon. I glance at the menu again. It’s mainly crepes, for this is a crepe based restaurant, but the drinks they offer are assortments of sweets, so I am not sure if Till will enjoy them or not. It has less sweet things, like pancakes and waffles, but they are still relatively sugary. I’m sure if we ask, there could be other options.
“Hey, Ivan,” I hear Till’s familiar voice call for me. His voice sounded different from when he called me, and the last time we saw each other. More soft and genuine.
I look up to greet Till, and I am instead greeted with the emotions of awe and overpowering fondness. Till looks more beautiful than I remembered him when I saw him last. He’s wearing a simple white tee-shirt with an aquamarine cardigan, which brings out the color in his eyes. He’s also wearing black baggy jeans with white casual shoes. It’s put together, and he looks alluring in it.
“Hi, Till,” I responded, my voice wavering.
“Ivan,” Till replies simply, smiling. “How are you?”
“I’m good, Till, thank you.” I reply, grinning. We had been talking consecutively for the past few weeks, but here he was acting formally. It’s adorable. “Have a seat.”
Till nods and sits down, pink tainting his face. “Sorry if I kept you waiting, Ivan.”
“It’s alright, it was only for a few minutes. I also had a chance to take a look at the menu. Once you have a chance as well, we can order.” I state, smiling at Till. I can’t help it, being around him fills me with glee.
I pass the menu to Till and observe him. Till’s movements seem to be carefully calculated, but his emotions aren’t controlled as much. You can still see what he’s feeling just based on how his face is worn. Till’s face is now painted as being focused on the menu, as if he’s transfixed by the options being provided. It’s doteful, just like everything else he does.
“I can feel you watching me, you know,” Till remarks, looking up from the menu, his stare hard. He says this while looking nonchalant, yet his face speaks otherwise. On Till’s face is a faint, tainted pink dusting his features.
“I don’t mind if you acknowledge my staring. Do you mind me staring?” I ask, concerned. It’s fine if Till is aware of me staring, but if he’s uncomfortable with it I’d have to stop.
“It’s fine,” Till brushes me off and my words, but he flushes even more, his face now a solid pink.
“If you ask me, Till, on the contrary, you enjoy it,” I tell Till, a light teasing tone in my voice. I rest my face on my hands and my elbows on the table.
“It’s not that I enjoy it,” Till states pointedly, now studying the menu intensely as blush creeps down his neck. “It’s just that you’re so… enamored by me that it throws me off.”
“Well, I’m glad you don’t mind it. That does mean I can continue to look, correct?” I grin as Till averts my gaze, but nods slightly either way. “Well, do you know what you want to order now?”
Till looks back at me, meeting my eyes. “Yeah. I’ll take a coffee and the banana cream pancakes.” Till informs me, blatantly attempting to keep his composure. Instead of containing hsi expressions, he worsens the blush, making him flush a deeper pink than before.
I motion my hand to the waitress, letting her know we’re ready to order. I look at Till once more, and smile at him. The waitress comes to the table, and beams a smile at the two of us.
“Hello! Are you two ready to order now?” The woman cheerfully asks. She looks an awful lot like Sua, with the dark straight hair, eyes, and skin. It’s just that their eyes are different colors, and the fact the waitress has heterochromatic eyes. My eyes drift to her outfit, where the name tag should be, but I find none.
“Yes, thank you. I’ll be having banana chocolate crepes, and he’ll be having a coffee with the banana cream pancakes.” I supply the waitress, and she jots down the order in her notebook.
“Are you interested in some beverages while you wait for your food?” The waitress asks me, smiling.
“I’ll just have some water, please.” I reply, turning my attention back to Till once the waitress leaves to the kitchen, probably to reiterate the order back to the cook.
“How’s ice skating, Till?” I ask, admiring Till’s messy bedhead. Till’s hair is always unkempt, but it’s adorable that way.
“It’s fine,” Till says, haste. “It’s exhausting but it’s worth it. I love ice skating, and I’m glad to improve at it.”
“You make it seem like I am a reporter, Till. I thought I meant more than a reporter to you.” I add, feigning hurt. “I thought we were closer than that.”
“We are, but what do you want me to tell you?” Till relays, playing with the sugar and salt packets provided on the table.
“I don’t know. If you have a passion for ice skating, you’d have a better, more emotional response to my question. Convey to me how you feel when you skate.” I reply, taking one of the salt packets from Till.
“I don’t know how to explain it. It’s embarrassing when I talk about my passions.” Till replies, presumably irritated by my incessant pestering.
“Just tell me, how do you feel? Does it bring you joy? Why do you skate? Why did you start?” I continue to ask.
“Well, I feel happy and liberated when I skate, so it brings me joy. I skate because I’m good at it, and I enjoy skating. And if you enjoy doing something and you’re good at it, you should pursue it. My mom’s words. I started because I became interested in it when I was seven when I saw a movie about it, and was inspired. Like a cliché.” Till raptly informs me.
I take in every word he tells me, and attempt to memorize them like I do with everything else he tells him. “Till,” I start, careful. I repeat myself. “Till, do you have any competitions? In ice skating, I mean.”
“Why?” Till asks me, his eyebrow raising.
“So I can attend them, of course.” I tell him, smiling again. “That is, if I can.”
“You can,” Till blushes again, indicating he does indeed want me to accompany him to the game.
“Are there tickets I have to buy?” I ask, the waitress bringing me my water with a clear straw. I smile and tell her thanks, but quickly turn my attention back to Till.
“No, but if you want good seats you should come early.” Till advises, watching me as I drink water.
“Alright, Till.” I thank him, feeling blood rush to my face. “Thank you, Till, by the way. I’m glad we’re friends.”
“You’re welcome, Ivan. I’m glad you’re my friend, too.” Till states, grateful. The waiter now brings the food to us, the warm aroma filling out noses and makes our mouths salivate. We thank the unnamed waitress, and quickly start to eat our food.
“Ivan, why do you like to sing?” Till asks, causing me to look up from my plate. “Well, you asked me why I enjoy ice skating, so it’s only fair if you tell me the answer to the same questions from me. What were they again? How does singing make you feel, why do you sing, and why did you start?”
I smile at Till. “Of course I can answer them, Till. It depends on what I’m singing. If I am singing a sad song, I will feel saddened, and I sing because I relatively enjoy singing, and it brings joy to others when I sing. I sing so others can feel happy. Now the last question. I will answer that eventually.”
“Ivan,” Till groans. “That’s unfair, and you know it.”
“Well, what if it’s a personal reason, Till? Did you think of that?” I smile at Till, and he pouts.
“You know it’s not! C’mon Ivan, just tell me.” Till asks, stuffing his mouth with more pancakes.
“Maybe later. Anyways, what day is your performance? Or competition.” I ask, swiftly changing the subject. “I’ll see if I can excuse my work with Hyuna that day.”
“It’s on the twenty-seventh.” Till notifies me, still sulking from my apathetic reply to the question.
“Alright, thank you! Can you message me the details after?” I ask Till, beaming.
“Yes, sure,” Till replies, grinning now. A piece of whipped cream is on the corner of his mouth, and Till must take notice of me staring because he reaches for a napkin. He attempts to wipe the whipped cream, but fails effectively. I attempt to cease my laughter, and Till notices this.
“You could at least guide me to where the whipped cream is,” Till glares at me, and I smile helplessly at him. Instead of guiding me, like he had told me to do, instead I released the napkin from his grasp and wiped the whipped cream off his face, now flushed red.
“I’m sure you would’ve gotten more lost with my instructions,” I innocently tell Till, my smile widening. “I didn’t know you ate so messily, Till.”
Till, in retaliation, flicks his finger on my forehead, which I’m sure leaves a mark due to the triumphant look on his blushing face. “You know I could’ve done it myself.” Till pauses. “Thanks nonetheless, Ivan.”
“You’re welcome, Till.” I respond to Till, guiding the crepe into my mouth, watching him. “Are you going to eat? I was under the impression you enjoyed your food.”
“Just shut up,” Till tells me, glaring, but there is no real heat in his eyes. I stifle a laugh, and Till flushes more. “You eat your food.”
As the breakfast passes, I extract more reactions from Till, fulfilling my happiness and expanding it. I learn more about Till, and he learns more about me. We eventually have to leave each other again, for Till and I have other plans reserved for the rest of the day.
“Bye Ivan. I’ll see you again soon.” Till smiles at me, getting into his car as I linger by his side, craving to be with him again.
“Yeah, I’ll see you soon,” I agree, hoping to stay true to my word, as I watch him close the door of his car. “Goodbye, Till.”
☆ ☆ ☆
I run my hands through my hair, my stomach tangled up. I look around the bar, feeling faint covetousness towards the couples that linger around the bar. I want to be like the couples, happy and talking with their loved ones, showing one another love. I’m sitting at the bar, drinking water, since I’ll be driving myself home. Last time I had driven myself home after having alcohol, Mizi gave me an earful. A caring one, but still a fussy lecture. The couples around me are all very romantic, but the ones who draw my eye the most are Hyuna and Luka and Mizi and Sua. It’s young love, and one that makes you feel like it will last forever. Knowing Mizi and Luka, their love for their loved ones probably will. Hyuna, too. She’s very loyal, and always voices her love for Luka in her songs. As for Sua, I still do not know her very well though she is my best friend’s girlfriend and Till’s best friend.
Hyuna and Luka are talking by the stage, the love in their eyes and the hand holding evidence of their love for one another. I can practically feel the surging love for them. I’m happy for them, but I wish I was in a relationship like that, too. Soon, I will be in one. Hopefully. Mizi and Sua, on the other hand, are closer to me and are hugging each other, rocking one another to the beat of the song. It’s no love song, but they could convince onlookers that it is one. The room’s pulsating with love from each couple, even Marty and Acorn, who are on the other side of the bar, simply chatting.
I could be described as distinctly miserable, but I don’t like thinking of myself that way. Miserable, negative, sad. I was once told I had a sad life, and I don’t like to confront that fact. To cheer me up, I think of my most treasured moments in my life. Meeting all of my friends, such as Hyuna, Hyun Woo, Isaac, Dewey, Jacob, Luka, and everyone who has played an important role in my life. Till and Mizi, I think, have impacted me the most. I replay my meeting of Till, and think of how I met Mizi.
It was lunch, in sixth grade. Mizi was the most popular girl in the grade, for always being cheerful and helping people when they needed it. I was also popular, but for other reasons. I’d fight people, just to evoke a reaction from them. I needed to see emotion on someone’s face, it made me happy at the time. To see people suffer because of me. All the fighting had made me crave it, essentially.
Mizi approached me one day, holding a pink lunch box in hand and with the other a flower, a blue one. I later figured out the name was ‘Stand by Me.’
“Be my friend!” Mizi had exclaimed proudly, handing me the flower, beaming with joy.
I had looked at her in surprise and stared blankly, which she physically had shown discouraged her. However, when I had accepted the flower, the smile that had decorated her face quickly reappeared.
“Okay,” I said, shuffling a little from my lunch bench so she could sit with me. I asked her for her name though I had already known it.
“My name’s Mizi, Ivan!” She contentedly informed me, taking a seat next to me. “What do you have for lunch?”
I looked down at my empty hands, and I didn’t bother to check my backpack. “I don’t bring lunch.”
Mizi frowned, her brows furrowing. She was clearly concerned, but decided against asking further. “Well, I could just share with you! I have a peanut butter and jam sandwich! Wait, are you allergic?”
“No.” I told her, and she smiled broadly. She handed me half of her sandwich and gave me some of her fruit, too.
“There! This should fill you up!” Mizi delightedly told me. Her personality was so bright it was blinding, but in a good way. Like when you look at the sun for too long.
“Thank you,” I said, thinking Mizi would appear for a mere one day, this being the one. In a wya where she would say, ‘I helped the aggressive kid at school today, Mommy! Aren’t I such a nice girl?’ But she kept appearing. And reappearing. And after that, all the way until the last day of high school, we sat together and ate lunch together.
Now here we are, Mizi at twenty one and me at twenty two. Mizi dating the love of her life, Sua, while I am left fatally pining over a man I merely met a few weeks ago and barely know anything of. I feel like I can’t help it, though. Till felt magnetic, he had attracted my attention since I met him, since I landed my eyes on him. It was as if he was the reason why I was here on Earth, my very reason for being alive. That’s how it felt when we had eye contact for the first time. Now that I message him daily, my heart pitifully beats everytime I think of him, for I am too latched on to him. My mind is full of images of him, my thoughts full of his voice, his laugh. It’s not that he couldn’t feel anything similar to me, it’s just that I refuse he could feel anything like this for me. We had just met, and he doesn’t really know me. It’s just a one-sided love at first sight situation. I hadn’t thought that love at first sight was real until I had met him. Being with him makes me feel immense joy, and it feels downright despairful when we depart from each other.
Whilst I mellow in my yearning, I feel my phone buzz. I take the phone out of my pocket, at see who the notification’s from. Till.
Till (˶ˆᗜˆ˵)
Till: 8970 Anakt Ice Rink, ****, ** 90683
I’ll see you there 💙