Chapter Text
Epilogue
And so Dabi got marr— wait, force of habit. Touya and Keigo got married the very next day!
?1: Wow. That’s... kinda boring. Where’s the drama? Let’s redo this whole thing—cue the Netflix reboot!
?2: Oh, so now you’re a meme critic too? Shut it, peasant. Ahem. So, as I was saying...
Dabihawks™ FORGED AN UNBREAKABLE, UNYIELDING, LEGALLY BINDING UNION — as strong as Hawks' glorious wingspan! A bond filled with nothing but mutual understanding and love! Unlike some people we won’t name. And they lived together, soul to soul, till the end of their days! And they had—
?1: Wait. Had what now?
?2: Spoiler: pain. You wanted imagination, so let’s imagine.
?1: That's your job.
?2: You want me to describe that?! We’re PG-13, buddy!
?1: Don’t yell at me, woman. How’d they even have kids? Dudes don’t give birth.
?2: … Do you give a fuck?
?1: 😨 Language! PG-13!!
?2: Then shut your f—
?1: EXCUSE ME?!
?2: Yes, I said it. Anyway, shall we proceed? What’s your idea for childbirth then, genius? Gonna demo it for me? 😏
?1: I’ll demo you something, all right. They lay an egg, duh.
?2: …Hold up. You want me to describe HAWKS LAYING AN EGG THROUGH HIS—
The main, mysterious, utterly unhinged, and yet somehow legally recognized editors (aka the only people insane enough to write this sober) have decided to take a short break from their creative process.
And from their sacred union hatched the most adorable babies! Each one cuter than the last—
?1: So you’re saying the first one was ugly?
?2: It’s a hyperbole, you illiterate turnip!
?1: That’s not plot, that’s trash with glitter! I’ve read fanfics in Minecraft servers deeper than this! Rewrite it!
?2: You’re asking too much, Touya.
Touya: I’m your only editor!
?2: I’m working for free!
Touya: I can set you on fire.
?2: And I’m the only person crazy enough to write this crack and actually publish it!
Touya: 😯😖🤐😞🙁😕😒😠😡
The chaotic, anonymous, possibly hallucinated editors have taken their second sanity break.
And so, they had more kids than... uh... some suspicious Amish guy with zero hobbies and a lot of free evenings. Wait, no—write that with a lowercase a, no need to glorify this bearded goat-man. They hatched kids THREE TIMES as many as suspicious Amish man’s entire family tree combined! And they were all just. So. Freaking. Perfect. Clever. Cute. Adorably annoying. Took all the best traits from their loving dads! And none of that toxic sludge from their crusty-ass grandpa! And then they all died on the same day — like houseflies stuck between windowpanes in winter.
?1: ...How do flies even get in there?
?2: Doesn’t matter. The point is, they lived their weird little lives to the fullest — In peace, in love,—AND GODDAMN IT, IN TAVTOLOGY. And they lived, and they loved, and they lived some more, and they died, and that’s it.
THE END
?2: So, is that good enough?
Touya: Perfect! That’s exactly how I’ll publish my memoirs! First edition — straight to daddy’s coffin. With a full autograph set.
?2: He’s gonna croak before you, he won’t even read it.
Touya: Roaches like that don’t die easy.
?2: Ah, so that’s why you’re still alive.
Touya: *Bonks their ghostwriter/editor with a thick manuscript.*
?2: Where the hell are you getting money for this? You're literally homeless. I can’t even afford to print a single book, and you’re about to burn through a whole first edition like you’re goddamn Dickens on a bender.
Touya: Don’t expect a wedding invite.
?2: You even realize how contradictory you are? No wedding ever happened, and now you're shipping memoirs about your loving family life to the printer.
Touya: I’m not the one writing them. You are.
?2: Oh. Fu—
Touya: —-nkyou from the bottom of my heart! And don’t make that tired “you don’t even have a heart” joke. That thing died long before I did. How else am I supposed to love my little chickadee, huh?
*He gently lifts Hawks’ unconscious head and nods to it.*
Touya: That’s right, baby. ☺️
?2: You absolute gremlin.
Touya: You’re just now realizing? Anyway, toodles~ We’ve got pre-wedding chaos to stir up!
*Shoves Hawks’ limp body into a shopping cart he clearly jacked from a grocery store.*
?2: Hey! Return that! The cart’s not yours — and neither is the man inside it! *Grabs hold of Hawks’ dangling leg.*
Touya: Hands off, he’s my baby bird! 😧😡
?2: He was lying here so peacefully! Leave him! I’ll take care of him!*Touya tugs.*
?2: *squeezes tighter.*
Touya: What the hell! Let go of my man!
?2: He belongs to the public! He’s the only reason I tolerate your feral ass!
Touya: *Deeply offended gasp.* You homewrecker! I will never give him up to you!
?2: Quit screaming like a drunk lady on daytime TV!
Hawks (groggily): …Could you maybe not rip my leg off while you fight over me?
Touya & ?2: 😯😯
Hawks: …Please?
Touya: Baby, just pass out again, okay? I’ll win you back real quick and we’ll get married!
Hawks: We’ll WHAT now?
?2: Live happily ever after, of course!
Touya: Since when are you on my side?
Hawks: Since when is she trying to bang my leg?
?2: I’m not trying to marry you! Or bang your leg! I love you with pure, honest, obsessive fangirl devotion!
Touya was… stunned. Never did he expect to be fighting for his true love against his own ghostwriter.
?2: Just give me your pants as a keepsake! I promise not to sniff them! Too often! And I’ll let go!
Hawks: Touya, I swear, just take me. Here. Now. Anything. Just get me out of here.
Touya: Really? 🥺
?2: I’ll write the perfect wedding invitation! I’ll invite Cher! Just give me the pants!!
Touya: Hands off! *Yanks the cart and starts rolling away.*
?2: *Still clinging to Hawks’ leg, dragging along the floor.*
Touya: Let go, you demon! That man is mine!
?2: Final argument: I have a folder full of your porn!
Touya & Hawks: We didn’t sleep together.
?2: I know. But I can send it to Endeavor! Think carefully, Touya!
Hawks: I’ll leave you, Dabi.
Touya: Wait—so we are together? 🥺
Hawks: From a bird’s eye view, maybe.
?2: I have an alternative plan!
Touya: My pants? Be my guest.
?2: Ew, put them back on! Do you need money for underwear??
Touya: What I need is the folder.
Hawks: What you need is a concussion.
Touya: Babe, is that a yes? 🥺
?2: You simp. Anyway—back to the alternative!
And so the world’s most mysterious, unknowable, god-tier editorial team held an emergency diplomatic meeting…
Dabihawks got married that very day! It was a glorious wedding! Everyone came — villains, heroes, random civilians! Dabi gave up villainy for love and reclaimed his birth name! Hawks somehow kept his pants on until the wedding night — barely. He resisted just for dramatic effect, but in truth, it was love. And the ghostwriter got her long-awaited Hawks body pillow, swore eternal loyalty to the Dabihawks couple, and pledged to write their legend for generations to come — just as a true literary slave should!
And everyone lived happily ever after!
…Except for Endeavor, whose blood pressure went critical.
THE END