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Kakashi wishes he could take his kid’s pain and lob it at Kaguya. He gently takes Naruto's balled fists in his hands gently prying them open, frowning at the crescent shaped scars in his hands from previous times. “You’re already worthy pup. Even if you don’t believe it. You have no clue how much Jiraya-sama bragged about you to me, to Tsunade. How much he adored you, loved you. I always thought that no one could ever top Minato sensei in Jiraya-sama’s heart. Until you, he was sure you were the child of the prophecy, but beyond that the way he adored you, I’d never heard or seen Jiraya-sama talk about anyone with that much fondness. I wasn’t even sure Jiraya-sama was capable of being that soft about anyone. Jiraya-sama died for you, yes. But because he wanted to save you, he never would’ve forgiven himself if he didn’t do everything in his power to help to save you. Jiraya-sama left everything to you. You embodied his hopes and dreams, his love and affections. And your parents. I know you met Kushina in your inbetween but when you were on that battlefield with Minato sensei, anyone could taste and feel the pride oozing out of him, I knew” Kakashi takes a breath “I recognised those eyes. The ones filled with pride and love. It’s the way he used to look at your mother. I was once the object of those affections” Kakashi’s voice tightens. But Naruto needed to know. “Throughout the time you had with your dad, I kept hearing him mumble about how proud he was, I kept seeing the way his eyes shone when he saw you. He looked at you like you were worth every sacrifice ever made. He was right” Kakashi says fondly. “Naruto, sometimes … we dishonour the ones we lost by rejecting their sacrifices. Minato sensei and Kushina and Jiraya-sama, they sacrificed themselves for you, and not for one second did they believe it was a waste, that you weren’t worth it. All because you’re you. Not for your strength or powers or that you’re the saviour of the world, but because you are you” Kakashi says carefully, watching the boy’s every minute reactions. But it seems it was the right thing to say.
Blue eyes open back up, so dim and so filled with grief, it knocks Kakashi’s breath out of him again. “Sensei I miss them so much” comes the whispered words “So much that sometimes, I can’t breathe and I can’t think. Sometimes I can feel dad’s presence, or feel mum’s hug. Sometimes I walk into here and for a second I swear I see ero-senin.” the boy starts the dam slowly breaking. “Maybe it’s because I spent so long with ero-senin, but it’s like he’s everywhere. It’s like I get whiffs of him, or I swear I can see him and it … it’s not enough sensei” Naruto’s voice cracks “It’s not enough, the small reminders, the glances and whiffs I get of him. The memories in different spots. It’s not enough” the boy whispers “I dream a lot about our time out of the village. And it’s so real, he’s so real, and he’s so here. His shitty advice, his annoying laugh. The way he always took all my money, when he’d abandon me to go spying at the bath houses” the boy smiles all watery. “I dream about how much fun it was, whether it was training, or travelling, or talking. He was always there, I could feel him. But then I wake up, and for a second I forget, I forget that he’s dead and he’s not coming back. I forget for a second that he’s drifting at the bottom of some cold ocean, for just a second I expect him to barge through my window, hear him yelling at me. I think any second now and I’ll hear his dumb shoes clacking against the ground.” Naruto’s voice trembles “In my dreams we’re training again, and he’s smacking me around, and I get mad, and then we argue, and he leaves to do whatever he does. But always, every single day without fail, he’d come back with one of those popsicles that you split in half, and he’d give me the bigger half and I’d rest against his back, taking a nap, or just talking about everything. And those were the best times” Naruto whispers, tears silently falling in endless waves “But then I wake up, and I can taste the popsicle in my mouth, I can feel how warm ero-senin always was against my back. How safe I knew I was with him. And I feel so warm inside and happy but then I remember that he’s gone” Naruto cries helplessly, grief slamming in like tidal waves “And I’ll never use him as a pillow under the warm sun for afternoon naps, and he’ll never appear in front of me with that popsicle, he’ll never smile at me while he splits it. And I want to keep dreaming so I can see him again, but I always wake up and I’m so happy but then I remember and every time” the boy cries, hands clutching his chest “it hurts so much, but I don't want to stop dreaming of him but I want to stop hurting every time. And these days, he always looks worried and I can never hear what he’s saying and I’m running towards him, screaming for him but I can never reach him. And I wake up, and I can taste the popsicles and I want to throw up, and ero-senin is … he’s so big, you couldn’t not feel his presence and now … he’s gone and I keep remembering him and it keeps hurting and I just want it to stop” the boy cries earnestly. Kakashi holds his kid close, letting the kid clutch onto him like an anchor through his never ending grief. Grief is complicated, you never truly heal. One day you feel fine, the next your paralysed. “I woke up from my dream and I didn’t realise but I ended up at one of the convenient stores looking into the bin of ice creams and things, and the popsicles were staring right at me, and I saw this dad split one with his son, and I held the unbroken popsicle in my hand till it all melted away and” the boy sobs, clenching his still sticky fist “I got reminded all over again that he’s really never coming home to me ever again” comes the choked out words. Kakashi had heard about the popsicle ritual from the toad sage, him and Naruto’s little tradition. Knows that the action held millions of hidden words and sentiments and promises. Kakashi holds the broken child so close, wrapping him up, wanting to shield him from everything wrong in the world. Wanting to save the boy from all the pain and suffering in the world. That would explain his pups sticky hands when he first got here, explain the haunted look in the boys eyes earlier. “I want him to come home” the boy cries, like a child crying for their parent. “I want him to come back to me, so we can share a popsicle and I can tell him everything that’s happened since I last saw him. And he’d probably scold me for some things, tease me for other things, but he’d tell me he was proud and then he’d treat me to dinner and we’d laugh too loudly together and everything would hurt less because he’d be home. And we’d sit in the training fields under the shade talking about anything sharing another popsicle and I’d nap against his back while he writes another pervy book. I’d fall asleep to the sweet taste of the popsicle, his comforting warmth, the sound of him writing, the smell of mud and alcohol so safe.” the boy says tears still never ending. “Sensei, I want to stop feeling like this but I also don’t. I know” the boy smiles through tears in a way that makes Kakashi want to cry too “I know it’s because he loved me so much, and I loved him that I feel like this” the boy says “But sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in the way I miss him” Naruto whispers, burring his head against Kakashi’s shoulder, seeking comfort.
Kakashi strokes the blonde hair softly. “Pup, grief, it never goes away. As much as I want to tell you it did. It’s like waves. One moment you feel like you're fine and you can stand, the next moment you’re swept under with no way to the top. It doesn’t get easier, even as time goes on because you have so much love for that person. What does make it easier though, is being able to talk to people” Kakashi says softly brushing the blonde hair back “You can always come to me, you know that. No matter the hour, Or Tsunade-sama would never turn you away, you and her could tell stories for hours. Or Sakura or Shikamaru, I know you nap with them often. Sometimes you don’t even need to say anything, you could just sit with them and they’ll understand. When it gets too much, come and find anyone, come to me. Don’t sit in your grief alone.” Kakashi says softly “You’ll never stop hurting because you’ll never stop loving them and that’s okay. It’s perfectly fine to long for them for the rest of your life. Their memory lives on in you, and through your stories. Jiraya-sama’s will of fire, his being lives on in you and the time you spent together. We never stop missing or loving those we’ve lost. But it makes it easier to handle that longing, that grief by being with people you have left” Kakashi murmurs comfortingly. Naruto doesn’t say anything at first, eyes closed. Kakashi thinks for a second that maybe the blonde fell asleep till he started speaking “Sensei did I ever tell you about the time when ero-senin …” the boy speaks softly, eyes still closed as he starts sharing a few stories from his and Jiraya’s time together. Kakashi listens intently, interjecting here and there with questions or soft laughs. Maybe Kakashi was right, Naruto thinks, being with someone, sharing the stories of the one you long to see. It’s the first time Naruto’s heart starts to feel the smallest bit lighter.
Naruto shares soft stories till the sun starts to rise, Kakashi lets him ramble softly. Naruto finishes off the last story as the sun rises “Thank you sensei, for always being here for me, for us. We wouldn’t be here without you” the blonde murmurs softly. Looking at Kakashi with exhausted, red rimmed blue eyes. Kakashi just presses a kiss against his forehead “anytime pup” he murmurs. Eventually Naruto falls asleep against Kakashi’s shoulder, sitting on the windowsill that his godfather always lounged on. For the first time since Jiraya died, Naruto dreams of Jiraya but even in his dreams he doesn’t feel impending doom for when he’ll wake up. If Shikamaru comes in a few hours later and spots the two, leaving to cancel Kakashi’s meeting for the day, no one needed to know. If Sakura dropped by with food, graciously leaving after pressing kisses to her sensei and teammate’s cheeks, no one needed to know. If Naruto woke up a few hours later with tears cascading down his face, Kakashi would just hold him close, letting the boy murmur more stories. Kakashi isn’t sure how a mere human is expected to hold so much grief in their hands, Kakashi himself wasn’t good at dealing with it. But, they’d be okay, they had each other. Naruto would never have to be alone ever again, he’d never have to experience another hardship or loss. Kakashi will make sure his kid will be okay.