Chapter Text
Mike stared into the gaping tear in wall with him and Will from 4 years ago. Millions of thought overtook his mind as he fully processed what was happening.
What the fuck..This can't be. Not if he's dead.
Max had told the party what it was like being stuck in Henry's mind, walking through his memories and her own memories. How she walked through them and traveled to others by finding a portal left.
Like a huge hole hidden by a poster.
He backs up, thinking he's just gone insane. Everything he's been through has finally caught up to him. He shakes his head in disbelief, darting to the stairs. He stops after just 3 steps up, looking back, contemplating and questioning everything. He had nightmares from everything, who wouldn't; but he never really understood how... easy everything was. The fight itself was only 30 minutes, everyone but Callie and El surviving. It has always been in Mikes nature to be skeptical over the smallest things, sure, but this was anything but small.
"Is this..." Mike mumbles to himself, he slowly crept back to the hole. Once he was back, he slowly pushed his hand through, then experimentally wove it around. He felt it. The presence of the portal, even the difference of temperature Will's room has to Mike's basement.
"Vecna." He knew then this was real. And he had to act fast, he would figure out that Mike had figured it out soon enough.
He climbs through the hole hesitantly, still second guessing if this was actually happening. He falls into the room, crashing onto Will art desk, paint splattering on his arm and pencils jabbing into his calf. He feels all the discomfort, stab, and bruising from the fall. He rolls off the desk, stumbling onto his feet in front of his and Will's 15 year old self. This was either an impossibly painful dream or reality. And he knew the answer to that.
This was just as trippy as Max described. He thought. He hadn't really been listening to what him and Will were talking about. Will had made his way to the bed, them pretty much made up just deep diving into everything that had been going on.
Mike walks up to the boys, waving his hand in front of their faces.
They don't even know I'm here.
It was literally like he wasn't there and while it was freaky, Mike figured it was better than them freaking out resulting in an altered future.
He looked around the room, everything was exactly as it was before. It was hard to remember, but he recognized all the art and posters on the wall. No anomalies to crawl through this time. While he'd only been there for a few minutes, Mike remembered this so there probably wasn't anything important here. Plus he was getting increasingly anxious about Vecna showing up, moving forward would be the safest option. He turns around to Will's dresser and his closet door,
Max said some openings were just hard to find, right? Not just hidden by a mistake?
He opened the drawers, just finding clothes or random items of Will. With no luck there he went to the closet door, opening it up to an average closet. If most closets led to, you know:
Mikes living room in Hawkins.
He walks through, his house the same as it is now, Vecna replicating it perfectly. He looks around and sees him and El hugging on the couch. He sensed something serious had just occurred. El pulled away, cupped Mikes face and gave a very forced smile. She seemed very upset at something-
Oh. This.
Their breakup was playing before his eyes. El walked out of the house, Mike watches himself crumble into the couch rubbing his hands over his face. He remembers this feeling very well, a blend of guilt and hint of relief. After she left, however, was a bit foggy.
Mike groaned into his hands, confused and frustrated about everything that'd just happened. He's known El since the 5th grade, he felt in love with her when he was 13, before the Byers moved to California. When did he stop loving her? He couldn't of just lost most of his attraction toward the girl over the span of a single year. That seemed so silly, there had to be something else to it. He didn't have a clue what it could've been.
"Mike? Are you okay?"
Mike looked up and saw Will peeking around the corner, a concerned look plastered across his face. He started walking toward the couch.
"Oh hey... you hear all of that?" Mike huffed out with a chuckle.
"Yeah I... I did. How are you feeling?" Will sat down where El was previously sitting.
"I mean... confused, guilty, kinda stupid." Slightly free. While Will was his best friend, this was his sister who had just dumped him. He could be mostly honest, but not entirely.
"Hah, yeah. Oh not-" Will straighten up realizing he probably was kicking him down after being dumped,"-not that you're stupid! Sorry, just like, I understand. Being unsure about other peoples feelings. What you missed or where you messed up."
"No, no you're good." Mike said with a laugh, cutting off Will's rambling. "You don't have to be so considerate I... don't really feel like I deserve it." Mike looked down at the ground. Will scoffed at this.
"Come on, don't say that. You can't go back to being the 'self pitying idiot' we talked about." Mike laughed lightly, raising his head up at Will.
"Look, you're gonna mess up with friends and in relationships. This isn't gonna be the last time, but you're always gonna be my best friend, you can come to me about these things." Will said, reassuringly resting his hand on Mikes shoulder. He let it fall back to his side when Mike started talking again.
"Thanks, I appreciate it...but my brain is totally scattered right now, I don't know what to say. You probably wouldn't get it if I told you."
"Try me."
Will knew he needed to be pushy for Mike to open up to him. Mike hesitated, but just for a moment before continuing.
"Yeah, I mean it's not what I did that confused me. Of course, I'm no saint, I could've done a lot of things better for the both of us. It's just my brain is the issue. These feelings and... urges I have; they're not normal, they're new." Mike admitted, from the letters to not having her back; he could've been a better boyfriend.
"Okay, so what are these...new, confusing feelings about? Do you know?" Will asked.
"Not entirely no... like. I don't know, I think I've felt this way for a while. I hate it but-" he sighed, struggled to admit it out loud," I don't think I've loved El like that for months."
Will, to Mikes suprise, just sat and nodded along with sympathetic expression. He expected Will to yell or look frustrated with him. But he looked at Mike with nothing but compassion. This gave Mike the courage to continue.
"I don't really know when or why I stopped, or even how. Like, how could I just stop so suddenly. I really don't think one year apart would do that. I didn't feel any feelings changing over the summer, I don't think at least. It just doesn't make any sense, could it really happen like that?" Mike faced Will, hoping he had some kind of answer. Will sat for a few moments, pondering about what Mike had just said.
"I mean-" Will begun, slightly hesitating"-are you sure there wasn't something else on your mind before we left?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like, did you maybe not get over a fight or was there issues with your family or even.." Will paused, leaning back trying to find the right words, "a distraction?"
Mike jerked up, not sure what Will was thinking Mike did.
"Wait, you think I cheated on El or something?!" He yelled, defensively. He was disgusted with the idea of ever doing that to El.
"No! No, Jesus, never. I know you wouldn't, I swear." Will said shooting his hands up defensively, realizing how bad that sounded,"I just mean like, was there something that pulled you away from El o-or that made you question the whole long distance thing. Like," he was desperately trying to make Mike understand what he meant, "like you started to think other things were more important or changed your feelings, I don't know."
Mike calmed down a bit, relieved Will didn't assume Mike would even do something like that.
"Well... maybe. I hadn't been thinking about many new things, but I really wasn't thinking about El all that much. It might've started the day after you guys left." Mike thought about it more, "maybe thats when I started to fall out of love? I don't know, I'm still lost." He stated defeatedly.
"Okay, well do you... know what being in love is?" Will asked, bracing himself for a possibly angry Mike.
Mike was ready to say yes. Of course he did, what else did he feel for El. But he bit his tongue, making himself really thinking about it. He sunk back into the couch, had one question on his mind. What was love? He saw Nancy and Jonathan in love, he sees Lucas and Max in love, Joyce and Hopper. They all seemed much more... different. In showing their love. He's always seen it but never paid much attention to it, figured that's what him and El looked to everyone else.
But the more he thought about it, the more he saw how he was just going through the motions. Being a good boyfriend was one thing, but being a loving boyfriend is something he tried to be. But he wasn't just trying that year they spent a part, giving her the flowers, holding hands. He was forcing it.
He looked at Will, seeing him relax more at Mike not getting upset at his question. It was late afternoon and the summer sky was setting, the window let in a golden glow that fell upon wills face. His hazel eye looked completely yellow, the sun beaming on his face highlighted every subtle feature Mike knew the other boy had. Even since Will came home from the upside down when they were younger, Mike noted every detail on the boys face. So he could describe him to the police, in case he was ever taken again. In case he didn't see Will for that long again.
Mike didn't utter a response, he just stared at the boy in front of him. Will couldn't tell if Mike had zoned out in thought or was trying to read Wills mind. Regardless, the focus Mike was giving him made Will feel self-conscious about the way he buckled his belt. He began to regret trying to help, fearing the worse.
Shit, was that weird?! I don't know what to ask I'm just trying to get to the bottom of what's up with Mike andnowhethinksimhittingonhimandfiguredoutimga-
"I..." Miked begun, his dark eyes still piercing Wills, who was trying to avoid eye contact. He would literally rather die than have Mike figure out how in love he was with him right after El dumped him. He manages to force down how flustered he felt.
"Well.. now I'm questioning if I ever was." Will was now confused at what Mike was saying.
"Huh?"
Mike sighed. "I mean... I love El."
"Ok. Is there... more to it?"
"I know I love her. But... I'm not in love with her."
Will was trying to make sense of what Mike was trying to say to him. He loves her but isn't in love? That's a bunch of bullshit, what's the difference?
"I know, it's sounds like bullshit but that's the only way I can describe it." He paused, Will taken off guard at how Mike pretty much read his mind
"I'm always gonna care about her obviously, but the way I cared about her definitely changed. Before you guys left.. she had kissed me. Like we had countless times before." Will tightened his jaw a bit, not really appreciating that image in his head. He forced himself to nod along.
"But I didn't really kiss her back. I don't know why I didn't, my lips were just frozen. It just felt like weird, I never felt like that after a kiss before. I was in love with her before that, the last summer you guys were still her in Hawkins. But it's like something switched in my head after that specific kiss. Like I just gained consciousness." Mike didn't expect Will to understand, but when he looked into his eyes he saw a new look. He almost looked happy, but more surprised than anything else. It wasn't just a understanding look, it was a look of... recognition.
Will looked in awe as Mike described the moment he knew he was different perfectly. He knew exactly how Mike was feeling. This was almost exactly how he felt after dancing with that girl at the snowball. He should've liked it, but something was wrong. It started to click then for Will, what he was. He felt so ecstatic, feeling seen in a way. The more Will thought about it, however, the more realistic he started to think. He forced himself to ignore and brush off those thoughts, he had to of been misreading this. Mike couldn't be like him, he liked girls. He already made the stupid mistake of believing Mike could feel the same once, back in California. Will didn't think he could bare going through it again.
This had to be something else, besides he couldn't think so selfishly when Mike needed him right now. He brought his full attention back to Mike.
"And it's shitty, I feel shitty saying it but it's the truth. You're my best friend and I feel safe to open up to you...but I know she's your sister, you kinda have to be pissed at me. I get it-"
"Mike." Will interrupted, grabbing Mikes hand.
"You're not any less important to me just because El is more sisterly to me now. Yes, we've become closer but don't think you can't talk to me about these things with me getting upset. Your feelings matter too, and they aren't vicious or demeaning her in anyway, they're totally valid. You both honestly sound just as confused as the other, so I'm never gonna take someones side or anything like that. You can always open up to me, I'm here for both of you always."
Mike couldn't help but smile at his friends kindness, he genuinely the sweetest friend Mike had. Will smiled back and squeezed his hand, making Mikes chest tighten instantly. He felt...gross. Not by Will, of course, but like he did something wrong. He quickly became nervous and nauseous, his heart felt like it was being squeezed from the inside making him tense up. Will felt him stiffen, letting his hand slip away from Mikes. The other boy looked like he was about to vomit, making Will very concerned.
"Woah, you okay? You look ill-"
"Fine! I'm fine!" Mike shot up from the couch. "This uh, summer cold has been going around at school. Finally caught up to me before the year ended I guess."
Will just stared, seeing how uncomfortable Mike looked. He felt himself was starting to feel uncomfortable as well so stood up to leave.
"Okay..maybe you should go lie down. I-I should probably start heading back to uh- my mom probably needs me anyway."
"Yeah, yeah. For sure."
They both stood in the living room, letting the silence become unbearably awkward before moving. Mike sped towards the stairs while Will headed straight to the front door. He grabbed the handle then looked back at Mike who was hurriedly walking up the stairs. Despite his better judgement, Will needed to say something. He didn't understand how that got so weird all of a sudden, especially after getting so personal.
"Hey." Mike stopped, turning his head back slightly to Will. "Don't think you have to handle everything on your own. I know you can handle a lot but you don't have to all the time. I'm here."
He didn't bother let Mike respond as he opened the left and shut it with out another glance back. Mike froze, he didn't know why he got so flustered at Will. He has always been a bit touching, it was an endearment thing. He stood on the stairs not moving, as if he was expecting something else to happen during that interaction. Something bigger, more satisfying to happen.
FInally, he managed to moved his lanky legs, jogging up the rest of the stairs and into his room, slamming the door behind him.
The loud bang rung in Mike's ears, making him flinch at the slam. He walked towards the stairs, staring up at his rooms door, then at the front door where Will had just been standing.
That went from a wholesome moment to a cringe worthy event. He felt every emotion that his past self had felt, something he never felt when thinking about the past.
This had to be it, I remembered the first lost memory.
He was excited, this was obvious progress in escaping this trance Vecna had put him in and recovering the missing year. While he was stoked, there was one part he was missing:
Why it matters. What does it mean?
He was determined to figure it out. He followed himself up the stairs, heading straight for his room. He opened the door to find himself face down in his bed, groaning in frustration into his pillow. He remembers and feels everything about this moment; the embarrassment, confusion, and... heat. He placed his hand on his chest, it burned. It felt... unstable. This wasn't anxiety or a sickness.
This was a need. A desire. A new yearning and craving sensation. For something out of reach. Something he didn't even understand entirely.
He saw himself turn over on his back, staring up at the ceiling, and putting his hadn't on his chest. Just like he had just done.
This felt all too familiar, a zap of electricity through his chest. He gripped the material of his shirt, doing it in sync with himself on the bed. He was reliving and feeling everything he felt that year long gap in his memory, and he was just getting started.
Everything felt so intense and new, this had be connected to Vecna. He had never let Mike feel this way in the fake reality, he is sure of it. He recognized what this desire was but just couldn't name it yet. It would have to come out eventually, he just had to be patient.
Too many memories were still missing, he needed to go further into his memories and to get more than this to solve this mystery. He need to figure out what happened this past year that was so important that Vecna had to block it from his memory?
And if that would be the key to escaping?