Chapter Text
I drove back to the motel, but I'd called Cas earlier and asked him to come watch my back for a while. Unfortunately, when I'd ordered the room, I'd only ordered one bed, so I let Cas have it. I took the car instead. Sam was still incognito, and I didn't give a rat's ass. He was being a brat, so why not just let him?
That night, I kept running the conversation between me and Cas that we'd had when we'd stormed Crowley's warehouse in my head, over and over. Replaying the memory Cas had shown me. Why did he let go? Did he not mean what he said? Did he really think I didn’t mean what I said? Did he not care? Then a new question crossed my mind.
Did he think that now that we were out and back that we shouldn’t still be together? My heart dropped.
I got out of the car and unlocked the door to the room. Cas was under the covers, and I heaved a sigh. I walked over and got in the other side of the bed. His back was to me. I was so nervous about this, even after all the…well, I guess you could almost call it “practice” I had in Purgatory. I scooter closer to him and gently put my left arm around his middle. He stiffened. I kissed the back of his neck to calm him. He didn’t relax like I thought he would. I was trying not to freak out.
“Dean what are you doing?” He asked, confusion and was that fear in his voice? I sat up in the bed and scooted back, taking my arm and off of him. He sat up and looked at me reproachfully. “Dean…what are you doing?” he repeated slowly. I looked at him in a way that I thought would show him that it was okay.
“Cas…it’s okay, Sam’s gone, we don’t have to hide.” I said, leaning in to kiss him.
But he pulled back before I could.
“Dean did you…did you just try to kiss me?” he asked, alarmed. What?
“Yeah? So maybe I don’t remember that you tried to leave me, but still. I do remember our last night in Purgatory. I meant what I said Cas, you have to know that.” I pleaded. He looked at me, puzzled.
“Our last night?”
“Yeah. What I told you. I…” No turning back now. “I…I kissed you, remember? We spent every single night together from the moment Dick sent us there.” Cas shook his head.
“Dean, when we got there, I left you to protect you. You…met Benny and sought me out when you should’ve just left. But you spent months trying to find me, and when you did, the three of us found the portal, you carried Benny through and I let you go. That was it. Our nights were spent where I stood and watched over you and Benny. That was it.” Cas explained. I took several moments to try and process what he had just said.
He left me when we got there? No he didn’t.
“You never left me, Cas.”
“Dean, yes I did. I left you to protect you from Leviathan so that they would be more drawn to me than you.”
“No.” I said, not believing. This wasn’t happening. “No, no that’s not what happened. You spent every night with me, under your coat, and we…we were together. Like, together together. Do you not remember? Cas…that last night, I told you I-” I stopped. He was looking at me with an emotion I didn’t want to see.
Pity.
I jumped out of the bed and ran for the car.
“Dean, wait!” Cas called after me. No, it couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. He didn’t remember, he didn’t know. I got in the car and drove off, Cas standing there, in the motel room doorway. If he really wanted to talk, he’d find me. He’s an angel, he can do that kinda crap.
I didn’t stop driving until I was at least six or seven towns away. I bought a shit ton of whiskey, beer, and any liquor I could get my hands on. Then I got a room. And I drank. And drank. I drank, cried, drank, repeat. By the time I was done, I my vision was so blurry, I couldn’t even see how much I’d drank from the bottle. Luckily Cas never did show up.
I stayed in the room the entire next day. I must’ve woke up somewhere around noon. Maybe one. Possibly two. I couldn’t tell. It was light outside, that’s all I knew. My head buzzed and I really needed food. I glanced at the nearly empty bottle of Jack Daniels sitting on the nightstand. And then I saw the table across the room. At least a dozen empty beer bottles, an empty wine bottle, and assorted cheap plastic shot bottles. Like the ones you take the beach. Don’t ask me how I know that. It was one day with Lisa. I looked back to the bottle of Jack.
“Guess you’re my new best friend.” I said to it. Then I looked at it skeptically. “Despite the lack of angel-mojo, the sexiness, and the trench coat, you’re really not that bad of a replacement.” Oh, who was I kidding?
I then looked over at my phone. Nothing. Not that I'd been expecting any, but y'know. I still needed a few more hours while I screwed my head on straight. I stood up from the floor, and I felt wet. I looked down, confused.
I was practically swimming in my own vomit. Well hey, I sorta stood up too fast, and up came another go. The vile nastiness shoved its way back up my throat, leaving a burning impression, and I didn’t need the mess on the floor to know that this definitely wasn’t the first time. I groaned and fell over.
My eyes, face, gut, throat, and basically everything else including my dignity and pride burned. I couldn’t get up. I reached for my phone, which I seemed to have dropped, but everything was so hazy, I don’t remember it falling or hitting the ground. Oh well. I didn’t feel like calling Sam and getting a lecture, but I sure as hell wasn’t gonna call Cas. I’d rather die. Which, at the moment might not be all that hard. I started eyeing the bottle again.
Eh, someone probably needed me to do something or something like that. I think it might be important, but I don’t really remember. Sam’d be pissed though-oh. Oh yeah. I forgot about Sam. He might need me. Then again, maybe not. He had gotten on for a year without me while I was in Purgatory. And Hell. Well, shit he was out there now without me. And Cas…well he obviously didn’t need me. That was the one thing I didremember clearly. Cas didn’t remember anything that happened in Purgatory. He had his own bullshit-version of what happened. Something about leaving me and only making an appearance at the end, and staying purposefully behind.
Then I remembered the gist of why I was here and the feeling that I'd tried to drink away last night came back. I closed my eyes. No amount of alcohol could make me forget that feeling. Except, y'know, the amount that'd kill me.
"You really are my best friend." I muttered at the bottle that was to my right- no. Left. Yeah, the bottle that was left of me.
I heard a rush of wings and kept my eyes closed.
"Dean." The gravelly voice said.
I mumbled something I don't remember saying, probably fuck off or something like that.
"Dean you have to get up. It's time to let go." He said.
"Go back to Purgatory, asshat." I snapped back, opening my eyes and looking up. He stared at me, showing the pity face I hated so much. Again.
"You don't mean that."
"I do." I said as firmly as I could, putting my face on the floor, in the puddle of muck I'd created. Oh, what the hell.
"Come on, you should get cleaned up."
"Leave me alone, you tease." I retorted. He said nothing, but grabbed me, and lifted me, carrying me into the shitty little bathroom. He set me down on the floor, where I pathetically reached out one arm and attempted to pull myself and crawl away from the angel. He put a hand on me, and gone was my strength. "You suck." I bitched.
He filled up the bathtub and then looked at me, still giving me the look. I averted my gaze.
"Stop lookin' at me like that, you pitying me is the last thing I wanna see." I complained.
"My apologies. I was just trying to help."
"Well, you're not."
"Dean, you have to take your clothes off and clean yourself."
"No."
"Dean..."
"No."
"Dean, I'm only trying to help."
"Shut up. You're just here to make me feel worse." I whined like a six-year old. He sighed.
"Dean, just because you and I have come to an...awkward disagreement, doesn't mean that I can't still help you. I am, after all, still your friend."
"You lying bastard!" I screeched, pointing an accusing finger at him. "I kissed and spooned and held you and you don't remember any of it and that sucks because I really like you, man." If you'd have asked, I honestly couldn't tell you the truth of when I started crying. But by the time I'd said "spooned" my face was wet and salty.
The thought of him seeing me like this pissed me off. I shouldn't have to be the one bawling my eyes out. It should be him. I swung my arm at him, trying to hurt him, but all I did was smack his leg like a wimp.
"You're a mess." He said simply.
"I can see that, douchebag. I'm rolling in my own puke. S'kinda obvious."
"No, Dean." He gently cupped my chin and stared at me. Stupid blue eyes. "You're a mess." I sighed in defeat.
"I know." I said softly, sniffling. "I just... I was happier in Purgatory than I ever had been. I'd never been with someone who made me genuinely feel happy." I gave him a look and I'll never admit to it ever again. "I'd rather be there with the Cas I know than here with you."
“Dean, I know you think that something happened between you and I in Purgatory. That I never left you. But I think you’re just trying to forgive me for doing it by pretending it never happened, but I must tell you that I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”
“Damn right.” I interrupted stubbornly, reaching for a half-empty beer bottle standing up on the floor. “Mmm.” I said, putting it to my lips.
“I believe you’ve had enough.” He reached a hand and took the bottle from me. I was too weak to really fight for it, so I let him take it. I sighed again.
“How can you not remember, man?” I said distantly, not looking at him. Though out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw him gazing at me. “How can you not remember what we had? What we did? I mean, sure they were just kisses, but…” I trailed off, thinking to myself.
“But what, Dean?”
“Never mind.”
“Dean-”
“I said never mind!” I yelled. He looked away. “Sorry.” I apologized. When he didn’t say anything, I looked down at myself, then at him. “Well, you’re right about one thing.” He glanced his blue eyes back my way. "I am a mess. Can you help me out of my clothes and help me wash up? I think if I try to do it myself, I ain’t got any strength left and I’ll drown. Either that or I’ll give up halfway and drown myself for the hell of it.” I quietly confessed, nodding towards the that well-loved bottle of Jack. He gave a small smile.
“Okay, Dean.”
“Thank you, Cas.”
"You're welcome."
He lifted me up, and set me in a chair across from the one I hadn't noticed he'd been sitting in. He took off my fleece, and then my second shirt. One more to go. He hesitated for a moment and seemed to be far off. After a minute, he seemed back.
"I believe you are capable of taking the rest off on your own." He said in an uncomfortable voice.
"Cas, you okay?." He stared at me.
"Yes. I'll get Sam to come help you. I believe I am quite unfit to be the one to..." he trailed. I cast my gaze down, at my socks and puke.
"No, s'ok Cas, I got it. I really don't wanna talk to Sam."
"Alright, Dean." He said, standing and helping me up. Didn't wanna stand too quickly. But I puked again anyway. All over Cas.
"Sorry, Cas." I grumbled. He looked down at himself and then at me.
"I'll get Sam."
"Nononono, s'ok. I got this. I honestly think that was the last of it."
"Here." He said, touching my forehead. All my grogginess and that sick feeling from booze went away. My head cleared up.
"Thanks, Cas."
He nodded, then he was gone.
"Fuck." I groaned.