Chapter Text
The episode starts off with Montana Wild standing on the docks of Saskatoon Island.
Montana : “Welcome... to Carambola- I MEAN- Saskatoon Island!” (under breath) “Weird, why did I almost say Carambola Island there?” (normally) “Anyways, this obscure little island just off the southern coast of Toronto will be the setting of the hottest new reality show of the decade! Here, 21 contestants will face off against each other in the most heart-pounding challenges reality TV has EVER seen for a chance to win a handsome cash prize of $10,000,000! There will be thrills and chills aplenty, so sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the very first live episode of... Survival of the Fittest !”
Beat.
Montana : (To someone off-camera) “Um, you can cut to the intro now.”
Intern : (Off-camera) “Oh, sorry!”
---INTRO---
Cut to a yacht making its way to Saskatoon Island.
Montana : “Ah, looks like the first contestant is on their way here right now!”
The yacht stops at the dock and lets out Vivian.
Vivian : “Ooh, what a wondrous island! There’s bound to be lots of cool sights to see here!” (takes a few pictures with her camera)
Montana : “Glad to see you could make it, Vivian! Seriously, I didn’t think you’d show up at all from what I got watching your audition tape.”
Vivian is not even paying attention to Montana, she’s too enamored by Saskatoon Island to even notice what he’s saying.
Montana : “...You know what, I guess I should’ve expected that.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Desmond.
Desmond : “Feh...”
Desmond walks past Montana.
Montana : “Hey Desmond! You, uh, wanna say anything to the viewers out there?”
Desmond : “Yeah right, like I’m gonna intentionally make myself look like an idiot on live TV!”
Montana : “You sure? Not even a simple “hello” or something like that?”
Desmond : “Listen here, Wild, I came here for one reason, and that is to win! And if anyone ever tries to get in my way, I will stomp them into the dirt without a second thought!”
Montana : “Wow, uhh... I sure hope you don’t mean that in a literal sense.”
Desmond : “Heh... time will tell, I guess.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Belle. She can only take a few steps before she trips and falls over.
Belle : “Ouch!”
Desmond : “Hah!”
Montana : “Oh my gosh, are you okay?! You’re not hurt, are you!?”
Belle : “No, no, I’m fine! I have a tendency to get into accidents, is all! Anyways...” (to the camera) “Hi! I’m Belle! I’m really glad to be here, and I hope I can get along with everyone!”
Montana : “Well, we’re glad to have you with us as well, Belle!”
Desmond : “I’m not.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Kyle.
Kyle : “Witness! For I, Kyle the Magnificent, the great and powerful magician, have finally made my spectacular debut! Prepare to be utterly blown away by my mesmerizing acts of... MAGIC!”
Kyle makes a bouquet of flowers emerge from his sleeve. Montana and Belle clap for him... but the moment is ruined when a swarm of bees emerge from the flowers and fly at Belle.
Kyle : “Oh dear...”
Belle : (Running away from the bees) “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”
Kyle : “Do not worry, fair one! I shall save you!” (he runs after her)
Beat.
Montana : “I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
Vivian : “Describe ‘fine’.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Amos. He proceeds to look around the island.
Amos : (Snorts) “Hm. I thought I’d be staying in a five-star hotel resort or something, but I can’t say I’m completely dissatisfied with this either.”
Montana : “Amos! Good to see ya, my man!”
Amos : “Quick question. I know bringing pets here is forbidden, but is there a small chance you can make an exception?”
Montana : “Well, I guess it would depend on what the pet is. Do you have one here with you?”
A rat crawls out of Amos’s jacket, surprising Montana.
Amos : “His name is Jenkins. He wanted to come with me. I tried to tell him he couldn’t, but I couldn’t bring myself to say no to him.”
Montana : “The rat? Alright, sure, if it’s a rat, then it’s acceptable. But you have to take full responsibility for it! I’m not helping you clean it or feed it!”
Amos : (Offended) “Wow. First off, I’m more than capable of doing that. Second off, I would appreciate it if you stop referring to Jenkins as an “it”. He’s a very special rat, you see. I single-handedly taught him how to balance a marble on his nose.”
Montana : “Uh, okay. Just, um, please stay away from me.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Charles.
Charles : “So this is Saskatoon Island, eh? I sure am excited to meet all the hot girls here!”
Montana : “Charles! How ya doin’?”
Charles : “Hey, you there! Host guy! How many girls are currently on the island?!”
Montana : “It’s Montana. And right now, there’s two.”
Charles : (Stroking his chin) “Just two, hm? Well, there are certainly going to be more to come, right?”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Ulysses.
Ulysses : “...”
Charles : “Hello there, fellow competitor! Are you ready to start compe-”
Ulysses : “Shut it!”
Charles : “!!!”
Ulysses : (To Montana) “Alright Montana, here’s the deal. You better not stick me on a team filled with losers, cus if you do, you won’t hear the end of it! I’ll have you know that I happen to be a star athlete that made it to state nationals!”
Montana : (Barely audible) “Nice to meet you as well, Ulysses...”
Charles : (Disappointed tone) “Maaaaaan, I got my hopes up for nothing. I thought you would be a hot girl!”
Ulysses : (Offended) “... what? ”
Montana : “Uh-”
Montana covers his eyes.
WHAP!
Charles : (Now with a huge black eye) “Ow.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Luna.
Luna : “Woooow, this place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be! I’m really excited to start competing soon!”
A cardinal suddenly flies over to Luna. She holds out her hand so the bird can land on it.
Luna : “Oh, hello there! And what’s your name?”
The cardinal chirps a couple times.
Luna : “Nice to meet you, Miss Hickory! Your wings look very beautiful!”
Desmond and Ulysses stare in awkward silence as Luna continues conversing with Miss Hickory.
Ulysses : (Utterly dumbfounded) “What... is going on?”
Desmond : (Equally dumbfounded) “I have zero clue. Better to just let it play out than to question it.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Paulie. Luna looks frightened by his hefty build.
Luna : “Eep! U-um...” (meekly) “H-hello there...”
Paulie : (Sincerely) “Oh, I’m so sorry, did I frighten you?”
Luna : “Er... well, a little...”
Paulie : (Genuinely remorseful) “Oh, I knew I should have seen this coming... People are always intimidated by how I look, and I hate it! Well, I was in the navy after all, so I guess they have a right to be scared.”
Luna : “No, don’t say that! I’m going to be honest with you, I was a little intimidated at first when I saw you step off that yacht, but now I can see that you’re a nice person deep down. I really hope we can get along and be best of friends!”
Paulie : “Really?! That... that means so much to me! By the way, my name’s Paulie.”
Luna : (Smiles) “Luna.”
Desmond starts coughing violently. Luna and Paulie glance over at him.
Desmond : “Sorry, I’m just highly allergic to mushy, lovey-dovey stuff is all. And yes, it is life-threatening.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Ramona.
Ramona : “...”
Ramona ignores everyone and walks over to one of the many fruit-bearing trees on the island, moodily staring off into the distance.
Montana : “Uh, Ramona?”
Ramona : “...”
Montana : “Hellooooo? We’re live, you know.”
Ramona : “Yeah, so what?”
Montana : “Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of bed.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Olga, who makes her grand entrance by cartwheeling out of the entrance.
Olga : “And THAT’S how you make a grand entrance!”
Charles : (Under breath) “Show-off...”
Olga : “Man, I gotta tell you, that boring ol’ yacht ride sure did make me hungry! I hear there’s good eatin’ on this island!”
Montana : “That is correct! Saskatoon Island is known for the wide variety of fruit that grows all over it! Though I’d be careful before you try and eat some, because it may just be-”
Amos : “She ran off already.”
Montana : “-poisonous...”
Cut to the tree where Ramona is leaning against. Olga has climbed the tree and is now noisily gorging on a bunch of purple elderberries.
Ramona : (Annoyed) “Hey, do you mind?”
Olga : (Mouth full) “Oh, sorry.” (holds out her hand, which is full of elderberries, towards Ramona) “Did you want some?”
Back at the docks, the next yacht arrives, dropping off Casey.
Casey : “Yoooo, I am already diggin’ this place! I didn’t even think you’d look at my audition tape!”
Montana : “Oh, of course I did! The studio executives held me captive in an office for several weeks and wouldn’t let me out until I looked through each and every tape! I can still hear the voices at night.”
Everyone within Montana’s vicinity looks mildly perturbed by his comment, but they have no idea what’s coming. The next yacht arrives, dropping off Sawyer.
Montana : “ Oh no... ”
Casey : “What, what’s wrong?”
Montana : “It’s... it’s THAT guy!”
Montana points to Sawyer, who looks deep in thought.
Paulie : “What about him? Did he do something to you?”
Sawyer : “Hey, I just had a thought. The universe was created when the Big Bang occurred, right? And the sun is gonna explode roughly 7 to 8 billion years from now, right? What if, after that happens, everything just resets? Like, a new Big Bang happens, a new world is created, the sun explodes again, cycle repeats. Heck, how do we even know if this has or hasn’t happened before?! Is history just doomed to repeat itself until the end of time?!” (happy tone) “Anyways, my name’s Sawyer, how are y’all doing?”
Everyone present looks horrified by what Sawyer just said. There is a small yellow puddle forming under Paulie’s feet, which he notices.
Paulie : “Oh dear! I appear to have soiled myself! Please forgive me for looking like an idiot, world!”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Tricia. Everyone is still too in shock to even notice her presence at first.
Tricia : “Why do you all look so shocked? Did someone die or something?”
Montana : (Coming to his senses) “Ah! Uh, n-no, that didn’t happen.”
Tricia : (Disappointed) “Oh, that sucks. Well, on the plus side, maybe it’s a good thing it hasn’t happened yet. Would’ve been a real shame to miss it.”
Luna : “Wh-wh-WHAT?!”
Ulysses : “Montana, how many more of these people are gonna be like this?!”
Montana : “I DON’T KNOW, HOPEFULLY THIS IS THE LAST ONE THOUGH!”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Jessica.
Jessica : “Story update; “Plucky Junior Reporter Arrives on Abandoned Island in Hopes of Winning a Large Cash Prize!” Oh man, I can see the headline right now! This is gonna be my biggest scoop yet!”
Montana : “Welcome to Saskatoon Island, Jessica! Please don’t say anything traumatizing, I beg you!”
Jessica : “Greetings, Montana! Out of all the contestants that have arrived here so far, which would you say is the most “interesting”? I want to interview everyone one by one so I can get to know them better.”
Charles : “OOH, ME, ME, ME! PICK ME, I’M RIGHT HERE, I’LL DO AN INTERVIEW, PLEASE, PICK ME-”
Montana : “Uhhh, I don’t know, Ramona?”
Charles : “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
Jessica : “That sounds like a great idea! Thank you, Mister Wild! I’ll be sure to save the best for last!” (winks)
Jessica walks over to where Ramona (and also technically Olga) are.
Montana : “Was she talking about me when she said that?”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Ethyl, who walks onto the docks with a pompous strut.
Montana : “Hello, Ethyl! Welcome to-”
Ethyl : (Holds up a hand) “Stop! Before you open that mouth any more than you already have, let me make something clear. As you are nothing but a lowly commoner, you must address me by my full name, Her Royal Excellency Princess Ethylene Montgomery Anastasia Marianne-Victoria Windsor III, Heiress to the Famous Windsor Family and Esteemed Daughter of Archduke Leopold Archibald Windsor. Do you accept these terms and conditions?”
Montana : “Okay, Ethyl.”
Ethyl : (Angrily) “No, I just-!” (inhales) “Fine. Be that way. I don’t plan on wasting too much oxygen conversing with you.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off William.
William : “Rejoice, contestants, for your loving co-host has arrived!”
Montana : (Annoyed tone) “Oh, this guy...”
Casey : “Who is this guy exactly? Is he your co-host?”
Montana : “No, he’s just... I guess he’s just some really annoying fanboy. He’s not at ALL a co-host. I only let him on the show because he sent me 836 INDIVIDUAL AUDITIONS !”
William : “Correction, 837.”
Montana : “My point still stands! Look, you better prove you’re worth even being here! I wasn’t subjected to all those audition tapes for nothing!”
William : “Trust me, boss, I would never try to do something as inhumane as steal camera time from you.”
Montana : “I never implied that you would do that. And don’t call me boss!”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Giulia.
Giulia : “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, are you ready to experience the greatest show in your lives?!”
Jessica : “Whoooooa!”
Montana : “Giulia, what are you talking about?”
Giulia : “I am here now, Montana, which means I am automatically the best character on the island!”
William : “Hey! There can only be one “best” character on this island, and that is me! Of course, I know everyone watching this already knows that, right?-”
Montana : (Interrupting) “Yeah, cool, shut up.”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Replica.
Montana : “Hello there, Replica! Good to have you here!”
Replica : (In Montana’s voice) “Hello there, Replica! Good to have you here!”
Montana : “WHOA!”
Replica : (Normally) “Hehe, pretty cool, right?”
Giulia : “Wow, that’s so impressive! It was a perfect imitation!”
Montana : “I’ll say! When I was looking over your audition tape, I thought you were just using some kind of voice-changing software to do that!”
Replica : “Nope, it’s aaaaall authentic! I’m very shy around others back home, so I do voice imitations so that people will hang out with me! My parents have suggested I take up acting before, but you know, stage fright.”
Giulia : “I wanna be on the same team as him!”
Replica : “Oh, I use they/them pronouns.”
Giulia : “Got it! I wanna be on the same team as them then! You’d also be a good addition to a circus!”
The next yacht arrives, dropping off Rocket.
Rocket : “Yo.”
Ulysses : “No way! Is that-”
Montana : “Yep! You’re looking at THE Indestructible Rocket, Ontario’s most famous daredevil!”
Casey : “I can’t believe you actually got an A-list celebrity on this show! Awesome stuff, broham!”
Rocket : “It’s nothing special. I wasn’t really expecting I’d get on this show to be honest.”
Jessica : (Off-camera) “DID SOMEONE SAY THE INDESTRUCTIBLE ROCKET IS HERE?!?!”
Jessica zooms right over to Rocket, stars in her eyes.
Rocket : “Er, you a fan?”
Jessica : “PLEASELETMEINTERVIEWYOUOHMYGOSH-” (hyperventilating)
Rocket : “I’ll take that as a yes.”
The final yacht arrives, dropping off Lucille.
Lucille : ““Hello Lucille, welcome to Saskatoon Island!””
Montana : “WHA- er, how did you know-”
Lucille : ““-what I was about to say?” Simple, I’m psychic.”
Montana : “Wow, really?”
Lucille : “Yes, but to be honest, I kinda wish I wasn’t. It’s drawn so much unwanted attention to me and the reason I auditioned to be on this show was so I could get away from people like that.”
William : “I feel your pain. Us famous people just can’t help but draw attention.”
Montana : (Counting everyone) “Okay, that’s 21 people! It’s time for us to officially start competing!”
Cut to later, where everyone has gathered at the docks.
Belle : “So are we finally ready to start competing?”
Montana : “Correct!”
Olga : “About time! I was getting so bored of waiting! Just tell us what the first challenge is!”
Montana : “Hold it right there, Olga! Before we can do that, the first thing we gotta do is organize the teams!”
Vivian : “Wait a minute, what’s that?”
Vivian points to a yacht approaching the island. Montana turns around to look at it.
Montana : “Er-”
The yacht stops at the dock and lets out a new character.
??? : “WOOOOOOOOO! The star contestant has FINALLY arrived! It’s time to crush the competition!”
Beat.
Montana : “And, um... you are?”
??? : “I have many names! Slayer of Dragons, The Fearless Rogue, Scourge of the Undead, the Greatest Guild of Gods Player of ALL Time, but you, my fine man, can call me... Noobslayer_69!”
Montana : “...”
??? : “Or, you know, just Leeroy.”
Montana : “Yeah, uh, can you just give me a sec?”
Montana steps away from the docs and dials someone, presumably the show executives, on his cellphone.
Montana : “Yeah, hello? It’s Montana... yeah, um, can you tell me what the deal is? Who is this “Leeroy” guy and why is he here?... You’re kidding... 22nd contestant? I thought we agreed there would only be 21!...”
Cut back to the contestants awkwardly standing on the docks.
Leeroy : “Sooooo... how are your guys’ days going?”
Ramona : “Could be worse...”
Montana : (Off-camera) “Oh yeah, well maybe you should at least check with me first before making a decision like that!... Wait, no, I’m sorry, please don’t take away my jacuzzi privileges! Okay, okay, fine, I’ll let him stay!” (hangs up)
Montana heads back over by the docks with a bored/annoyed expression.
Montana : (Prolonged sigh) “Leeroy, was it? Congratulations, you’re on the show. Whoop-dee-doo.”
Leeroy : “YES! You won’t regret it!”
Montana : “Trust me, I already do. Anyways, it’s time to ACTUALLY start the team forming!”
William : “Ooh, ooh, can I do this part please?”
Montana : “No! Anyways, Kyle, Belle, Ramona, Olga, Vivian, Casey, Luna, Paulie, William, Sawyer, and... Leeroy... will be on one team! I originally wanted there to be three teams consisting of seven people, but thanks to our “unexpected late arrival”, I’m just going to have to make it two teams with eleven people. The other team will consist of Desmond, Ulysses, Rocket, Tricia, Amos, Ethyl, Charles, Jessica, Giulia, Replica, and Lucille!”
Ulysses : “Hey, wait a minute, why do I gotta be on the same team as that Charles creep?!”
Paulie : “Yeah, and I don’t wanna be stuck with Sawyer.” (quietly) “His words scare me...”
Giulia : “Can we at least pick our team names? So we won’t be stuck with something dumb?”
Montana : “No. Team one is gonna be something like... I dunno, uh... Team Breadfruit?”
William : “Team Breadfruit?!” (beat) “Wait, is that a real thing?”
Luna : “Yeah.”
Kyle : “Seriously? What’s it taste like?”
Luna : “I don’t know, I’ve never tried it before.”
Olga : “I bet it tastes like crispy toast with blackberry jam!”
Montana : “Okay, okay, enough! Team two will be called... Team... Persimmon?”
Desmond : “No way, we should be called something better than that, something like “Team Desmond is Really Awesome and Everyone Else Sucks.” It’s got a nice ring to it.”
Montana : “Shut up, you’re Team Persimmon. Alright, now that that’s settled, I’ll give you all twenty or so minutes to unpack your stuff in your team cabins! Team Breadfruit gets the left one, Team Persimmon gets the right one.”
The campers look over to their cabins, which are colored accordingly.
Lucille : “Convenient.”
Everyone files into their new cabins. Cut to Team Persimmon’s cabin.
Ethyl : “This is unacceptable! I deserve to have a mansion, not some smelly old cabin!”
Amos : “Hey, would you mind shutting up? Jenkins has very sensitive ears.”
Ethyl : (Offended) “WHA-”
Replica : “WOOOO! I call the top bunk!”
Replica climbs up to one of the bunks on top and plops their stuff down next to them.
Amos : “The beds do look rather nice. I can’t remember the last time I slept on something so clean.”
Ulysses : “Alright team, enough chit-chat! We need to plan for the first challenge!”
Desmond : “Hey, idiot! News flash: we don’t even know what the challenge is yet! How do you expect us to plan for it exactly?!”
Ulysses : “Simple, we’re going to send someone to spy on Montana and get the challenge that way. If we have prior knowledge on what’s to come for us, we’ll have the advantage!”
Tricia : “Can’t we just have Lucille tell us what the challenge is?”
Lucille : “I’m psychic. I can’t predict the future.”
Desmond : “Alright, alright, fine, we’ll do your dumb plan. Who do you wanna send out there?”
Ulysses : “Hey Charles, I got a job for you!”
Charles : “Yea?”
Ulysses : “Go spy on Montana and find out the first challenge from him.”
Charles : “Okay!”
Charles leaves the cabin.
Replica : “Why Charles, Ulysses?”
Ulysses : “Look, I just wanted to get rid of him, okay? The less I see of him, the better.”
Outside the cabin, a loudspeaker screeches on.
Montana : (Over loudspeaker) “Attention, contestants! Can you hear me? Wait, why am I even asking? It’s not like you can answer back. Anyways, if you CAN hear me, please exit your cabins! The first contest is about to begin!”
Rocket : “FINALLY! I can’t wait to start competing!”
Jessica : “Noooooo, I’m not done interviewing you yet!”
Ulysses : “Would you please shut up about interviews?!”
Jessica : “Sorry...”
Everyone exits their cabins. Montana is standing just outside, next to Charles.
Charles : “Pleeeeeeeeease?!”
Montana : “For the last time, no!”
Belle : “What’s going on?”
Montana : “Charles keeps asking me what the challenge is and he won’t leave me alone!”
Charles : “If you tell me, I’ll let one of my 12 girlfriends date you!”
Montana : “Nice try, but I’m already dating someone. Now, before we begin the contest, I have one more thing I wanna show you!”
Everyone collectively groans.
Olga : “What now?! This had better be important!”
Montana : “Trust me Olga, it is.”
Montana leads the contestants over to a large, white, square building.
Montana: (He gestures towards the white building) “This is the confessional booth! If there’s anything you wanna get off your chest, then this is the place to do it! It’s open to everyone, but only one person can use it at a time.”
Ulysses (CONFESSIONAL) : (Looks around the confessional building) “Hmph. It’s not much, but at least it isn’t somewhere disgusting, like an outhouse.”
Charles (CONFESSIONAL) : “I would like to cordially say to all my loving female fans out there that I intend on winning this game for all of you!”
Belle (CONFESSIONAL) : “What do I think of the other contestants? There’s... a lot of interesting ones, that’s for certain. If I had to pick the one I’d be most likely to team up with, I’d say Kyle. He might seem rather eccentric, but I know he means well. After all, he helped me out with those bees before!” (beat) “Then again, he’s the one who made the bees appear in the first place, sooooo...”
Ramona : “Can we PLEASE begin the competition now?!”
Montana : “Alright, alright, fine! Allow me to explain the rules. Now as some of you may know, Saskatoon Island is well-known for the various fruits that grow around the island.”
Desmond : “Don’t care.”
Montana : “Shut up and let me finish! Anyways, I’ll give each of you a card with a random fruit on it. Your job is to search for the fruit you’ve been given a card of and bring it back to me. And no cheating either! That means don’t try to create decoys so you’ll finish faster!”
Luna : “I don’t think anyone here would want to cheat.”
Desmond : “👀”
Montana : “Luckily, there are enough fruits here so that each of you get your own unique card. Whichever team finishes last loses and goes up for elimination! Any questions?”
William : “Do I get to sit out for being the co-host?”
Montana : “Any OTHER questions?”
Belle : “Can I have an easy fruit to find?”
Montana : “No. Just pray you’ll get lucky.”
Belle (CONFESSIONAL) : ““Pray I’ll get lucky?!” I’m anything BUT lucky!”
Montana : “Okay, no other questions! Everyone, line up so I can pass out fruit cards.”
Everyone does so. Cut to after all the fruit cards have been passed out.
Rocket : (To Ethyl) “What card did you get?”
Ethyl : “What’s a puh-pay-uh?”
Rocket : “It’s pronounced puh-PIE-uh. And it's like, uh, some kind of Spanish mango, I guess? I’m not sure, I don’t know a lot about fruit.”
Cut to Sawyer and Giulia.
Sawyer : “Ooh, I got something called a pomegranate! And look, it’s red! :O”
Giulia : “I believe that most pomegranates are red, Sawyer!”
Sawyer : “I know! I just like the color red. A lot. To an unhealthy extent.”
Giulia : “Hm, I wonder why, eh?”
Montana : “Alright, has everyone got their cards?”
Everyone : “Yep!”
Ulysses : “Is it finally time to begin?!”
Montana : “Yep! Get searching, campers!”
Everyone runs off in different directions.
Montana : (To the camera) “Well, looks like we don’t have enough time to squeeze everything into one episode! Tune in next time to see who’ll win and who’ll lose the great fruit hunt in the next episode of... Survival of the Fittest!”
Montana pulls an apple out and takes a bite of it.
THE END