21 - 40 of 156 Works in Depressed Merlin (Merlin)
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His eyes traced his hand. It felt like someone had taken a match stick to a wound, cauterizing the edges of his skin. Instead of a marred outline of what Merlin assumed would be a wound, was a large patch of skin, dug out by his own nails. Blood painted the covers, his nail beds and his arm.
He must’ve rolled over some time in the night, giving the two men front-row seats to the massacre that was carved from his arm. He huffed and looked up at Percival, ears cleaning of that grating ringing. “Sorry.” he muttered, not really wanting to look at either of them anymore.
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Merlin watched the fire dance and Arthur watched the gold glow of the fiery magic whirling and burning in Merlin’s eyes. “Magic really is ethereal.” Arthur softly whispers, indulged in the pool of expanding liquid gold - the greatest of treasures - in Merlin’s eyes. Merlin’s hand stayed in the air, keeping the fire still. His eyes slid over to Arthur’s gaze. A pool of happiness fluttered in his stomach.
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Depressed Merlin continues his trials in living and talks with Arthur about his past endeavors. Arthur finds the beauty in Merli- magic.
Series
- Part 13 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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The Beginning of the Week’s Limbo of Heaven and Hell by fallen_stxr
Fandoms: Merlin (TV)
10 May 2025
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“Did you take everything from the physician’s chambers?” Merlin asked quietly. The serving girl nodded, “As instructed. I sorted through the mess. Most of it, I managed.”
Merlin hums, slightly impressed. He thinks of where he last kept his- “Was there anything on the bed or floor?”
Alicia pauses for a moment, “…Just dust, I think.”
Merlin shoots her an inconspicuous look, “Nothing at all?”
She shakes her head, “Not that I can think of.” She says with sweaty palms.
“Was it- Was it anything important?” She whispers. Merlin gives off a small smile. “To me, it was.”
Alicia could take a guess that it was the dagger, sheathed in blood that she almost threw up upon finding. She’d remain silent about her findings, wanting to notify Arthur first. “Would you like me to look for it?”
Merlin pauses a few moments. He’d like to think that he shouldn’t tell her.
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Depressed Merlin is being forced to live after Arthur doesn't order his execution Post-Magic reveal. Maybe Arthur doesn't hate him. Why doesn't he hate him? Why isn't he dead? He should be dead. Why is he still here? Being cared for? He doesn't deserve this. Maybe it's punishment - psychological torment somehow.
Series
- Part 12 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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In the Throne Room there is Nothing but a Dance of Death and Banquet of Bloody Murder. by fallen_stxr
Fandoms: Merlin (TV)
11 Apr 2025
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"Maybe Merlin was a lost child. Never been able to get to 18 without… this burden."
"Merlin. I’ll help you.”
“Kill me. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Burn my corpse in the courtyard - serve it for dinner, for all I care.” He laughs, swaying towards Arthur’s chest a little. Arthur doesn’t move. His throat feels scratchy. What’s he supposed to do or say?
“I know you want me to die.” Merlin states. Arthur’s brows pinch and he shakes his head with a wince.
He wanted to retire to his chambers forever. He wanted to throw up his guts.
“You’d enjoy it, right - killing me?” Merlin asked as if he was already certain of the answer. Pale and frail fingers twisted the sword so the sharp edge scraped against the King’s armor. Arthur gulped but made no intention to move.
Merlin slid his fingers up the side of the blade, leaning in closer until his lips were centimeters from Arthur’s ear. “You don’t have to hide how you truly feel. I accept all of you - even the part that wishes people like me dead.”
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OR
After a long period of self isolation, Merlin tells Arthur about his magic and begs for his life
To be taken.
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Series
- Part 11 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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How to Kill an Immortal Being - in the Height of a Wall of Stone or Less by fallen_stxr
Fandoms: Merlin (TV)
10 Apr 2025
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Summary
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Merlin isolates himself from the world, certain it's the best for everyone else. After a friend breaks in, he breaks down. By the end, he thinks he has his answer.
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OR
"“Do… Do you no longer wish to serve me?” Arthur said, quietly."
"“It felt like years… until you entered, that is. Then it felt like only a few minutes.""
"He hated knowing he was loved. He just wanted to disappear. But it felt so good. He indulged in the feeling of love. He hated that he wanted to be loved and that he was loved."
"Merlin ignored it heading straight for the Throne Room - straight for Arthur."
Series
- Part 10 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,670
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Kudos:
- 83
- Hits:
- 1,158
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Summary
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Merlin wakes up in the forest and attempting suicide. How ironic he didn't die. He'll find a way to put an end to his misery, especially after he had replaced everyone that would usually do his duties. He'll find a way. No matter what.
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OR
"He didn’t want to look Arthur in the eyes, knowing he hadn’t planned to see him ever again. He didn’t want to look at Gaius or Gwen or Gwaine. He didn’t want to look at Mordred or Morgana. He didn’t want to look at Lancelot or Leon or Percival or Elyan or anybody.
He didn’t want to look at himself. Know himself. Know he was still here. Know he had failed as miserably as he failed living. Know he would never bring himself to change.""He loved Arthur more than life itself. He’s sure. Merlin had never told anybody like Arthur about his secret.
Morgana was like Arthur. Except Morgana had magic. And Lancelot was like Arthur. But Lancelot wasn’t a noble. And Arthur? Arthur was everything.
As long as Arthur would never be able to see inside his bones and know - know the man he trusted so much was a rotten liar. Of course, he couldn’t know. It was him - and him alone - that he would never show his magic to."Series
- Part 9 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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"He left everything. He left his room, the Physician’s Chambers, the hallways, the castle, the upper town, the lower town. He left Gaius and Arthur and Lancelot and Gwen and Morgana. He left his mother. He had left Ealdor a long time ago. Now, sitting in the middle of nowhere in the forest, he was leaving his life. He left everything."
"Don’t smell it. That’s what Gaius always says. Don’t smell it."
"I’m sorry Arthur. I’m sorry now - not just because of being a sorcerer, but because I wasn’t good enough to be your manservant. To be your anything."
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OR
Merlin gets ready to go.
Series
- Part 8 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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Hell is Just the Liquid Fever Bubbling Between Your Meat and Bones, and the Fever is Just the King’s Mens’ Marinade of Sustenance. by fallen_stxr
Fandoms: Merlin (TV)
09 Apr 2025
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Summary
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Merlin survives what???? Crazy. Wonder why.
Clean up after chaos ensued last chapter.
Merlin may or may not have threatened the knights into silence.
Merlin has a derealization episode. A mysterious stranger (clearly not a stranger) comforts him during a panic attack.
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OR
It’s dark outside. Grey and cloudy. Among the mess the sound of thunder is prominent. Merlin wonders if lightning could kill him in the way it did Nimueh. The way he used lightning, taking advantage of nature, to kill Nimueh.
His eyes linger downwards. If he fell, would his skull splatter on the concrete below, just for his brains to be swept up and blood washed away the next morning? His hand tightens over the glass, it would leave fingerprints - marking such an expensive item.
Would anyone care? Would the Knights care? Would Gaius or his mother care? Would Arthur care? He felt his throat restrict air from escaping his trembling lips. Would he be just alone as he was today in the forest? Would the world allow him to die that time?
Series
- Part 7 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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He’d Choose the Incarnate of Courage, Victory and the Sun, Rather than his Own Heart Begging for Blood. by fallen_stxr
Fandoms: Merlin (TV)
09 Apr 2025
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Summary
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Merlin follows the knights into the forest when there was a reported woman that was killing hunters and farmers in gruesome ways. The woman promises a cure to his magic fueled sickness after he's been attempting to repress his magic. Merlin will forever regret agreeing.
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OR
Merlin's head tilted to the side as he watched the blur of silver start running backwards. Black spots covered his vision.
His eyes simply could not see, other than the darkness of his very thoughts. Only if he could see his beautiful, victorious smile one last time. His numb body simply could not feel anything, other than the very gates of hell. Only if he could feel his pulse beating through his wrist one last time. His smell was blocked, other than the reek of vomit and tears and sweat and bile and blood. Only if he could smell him one last time. His ears fuzzed, others being able to make out the crackling sound of his life fizzing out. Only if he could hear his voice again and again and again. His tongue burned numb - unable to taste, other than the carved fire of bile, burning into his throat like acid.
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Series
- Part 6 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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Dead People Don’t Talk and Alive People Don’t Know When To Stop. Walking Corpses Should Use Their Words Wisely. by fallen_stxr
Fandoms: Merlin (TV)
09 Apr 2025
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Summary
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A depressed Merlin doesn't have such a horrific day. He talks with Arthur and Mordred. Arthur and Merlin share their views on magic.
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OR
"“Why are you sympathizing with sor- with those monsters?”
Then reality hit Merlin again. Right, sorcerers were malicious - evil. A waste of life."
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It would be better to read this as Part 5 of my series, "Mentally-Ill Merlin".
Series
- Part 5 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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Summary
Merlin refuses to use his magic because magic is evil. Is he evil?
An anti-magic Merlin gets kidnapped. Will a handsome prince come and save him? Or will he resort to his monstrous ways?
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OR
"“What do you want from me?” He whispered out. It was more than enough for them to hear with the eerie silence of the night. They all came out from their places and Merlin heard a loud bellowing chuckle."
"Merlin concluded that this experience made him feel a little more human, especially since he almost escaped with no magic. He felt like his throat was a little more open, even with all the blood. He could probably use this as an excuse not to talk, post-traumatic stress disorder or something. He should. Make his life easier."
Series
- Part 4 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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Wiping One's Memories, In Attempt of Saving One's Heart. Dig This Hole With Me, My Undead Darling. by fallen_stxr
Fandoms: Merlin (TV)
08 Apr 2025
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Summary
Merlin has to prepare to go to the borders to help a small town on the border of Camelot. He feels... different. Everything feels surreal - fake. He's losing his grasp on what's real and what he's imagining. He feels empty, lost and disoriented.
Everyone's worried. He covers it with lies of course.
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OR
He’s beside Arthur. He’s next to Arthur - where he belongs, yet all he wants is for the ground to swallow him whole.
He’s walking and walking and walking.
The world is deaf when he speaks and begs and cries, the world doesn’t stop when he takes a break; When he is deaf the world send riddles and people to frustrate him, the world continues wherever or whoever he is or choses to be - whether the chores are never done, whether he feels defeated, whether he gets to have fun - Life is never completed.
When the balance of earth is repaired at one end of the coin - Magic, it collapses on the other - Courage.
The tear ducts keep breaking loose, the secrecy won’t end, there are cracks in the foundation of his life, and the repairs of one’s chainmail - one can't keep everything in mind.
(Remix of a poem: The washing never gets done - Jaan Kaplinski).
Series
- Part 3 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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Summary
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Arthur is worried about Merlin because he's acting strange. He's... jumpy. Like he has something to hide. He's especially lost and disoriented around other people - around Morgana, Arthur's noticed. Is the man who harbors most of his affections in love with his sister? The man is so on edge that he manages to fall off a horse when Morgana squeezes his arm in a comforting manner.
Oh how wrong he is.
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OR
A hunting trip cut short.
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"He can’t believe Merlin had a thing for his sister! He wasn’t jealous or anything, why would he be? Merlin is his own man.
It’s not like he was interested in Merlin; Merlin is a man. Even though he had just come to terms that he was in love with him, Arthur’s mind flickered to denial to shelter himself from the wounds he’d receive from processing Merlin didn’t love him back.
So, he didn’t love Merlin. And he obviously wasn’t interested in his sister. He cut this abnormal feeling to the fact that he was annoyed Merlin liked his sister and he’s over protective over Merl- Morgana. He’s over protective over Morgana."
Series
- Part 2 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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Summary
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"He truly is a self-destructive monster; the purest form of magic itself."
"He deserves it. Just one. "
"Why does he feel like this? Why does he feel like he wants to rip his heart out? Why does it feel like it’d be better if he wasn’t here to burden everyone?"
"why does he feel like he would be better off dead?"
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Merlin’s life is falling through his fragile little fingers like sand.
Enjoy! <3
Series
- Part 1 of Mentally-Ill Merlin (Merthur)
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Tags
Summary
TW Drug addiction, self-harm, depression
It had started innocently enough.
A long night leading Merlin to look for a way to stay up just that little bit longer, so he could keep Camelot safe against the attack he knew was coming.
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Just Between Us, Did the Love Affair Maim You Too? by TheDreamPriestess for FathomMeOut
Fandoms: Merlin (TV)
14 Feb 2025
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Summary
Merlin knew what a Sigil represented; a concept he had been introduced to shortly after arriving in Camelot. A marriage proposal of the deepest and most romantic kind, a callback to the traditions of old – for those who appreciated such things.
As such, Arthur’s message was clear.
Keep it safe for my future bride.
And, well, he could do that. No matter what it took.
Series
- Part 1 of Just Between Us (It's All Too Well)
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Summary
Sometimes he wishes he had been the one to die.
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Summary
It was a comfort to think Arthur could have been there in his last moments, even as his executioner. Now however, he was condemned to be alone, to live and die alone as many time's as the cruel hand's saw fit.
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Where Merlin discovers and tests the bounds of his immortality, abandoned and banished, and Arthur reckons with the betrayal of his oldest friend and the mistakes he made in the anger it caused.
The two would suffer in tandem until two broken hearts try to mend together as one, with or without the permission of their owners.
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Summary
Merlin was told that his purpose lies in protecting Arthur and bringing about the age of peace for Avalon. He was not told that he had any worth outside of destiny. The constant sacrifices and battles that Merlin faces in his quest to protect Arthur take their toll, and everyone has a limit.
*Read the tags! Heavy Content Warning!*
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One night after a feast, the knights of the round table gather to reminisce on the recent battle.
Merlin, worn out and tired from not only saving them, but also having to watch yet another magic user burn, finally snaps after a well-meaning joke.
Arthur and the other knights finally get a glimpse into what’s really going on in their friend’s head.
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Summary
Merlin is a professor at the University College London, struggling with loneliness, depression and a stuck up dean, Uther, but there is a light in his life - Chair of the History Department, Gwen. He is starting a new research project, for which he needs a research assistant. Cue Arthur, the son of Lord Pendragon, who was terribly disappointed in his son for choosing a PhD in history over a career in the military. He is living with Lancelot and Percival, trying to figure it out as a newly graduated PhD student. Long nights of research, witty academic banter, and, well, love.