Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Peridot." Peridot looked up at the sound of Lapis' voice. Lapis was inside of her own bed with her legs spread apart slightly. "Yes, Lapis?" Peridot asked. "Mayonnaise," Lapis whispered. Peridot was immediately awake. "Mayonnaise?" she asked, trying to ensure that she had heard correctly. "Yes " Peridot jumped up immediately and ran to the refrigerator, grabbing the perfectly-shaped body and running to Lapis' bed. "I'm here," she said softly into Lapis' ear. Lapis smiled. "And queer," she said back, completing their special phrase. Peridot spider crawled over Lapis' body so that she was on top of her, just the way that they both liked it. Peridot whipped out her swiss army knife and traced just above the dress line over Lapis' chest. She was ready. Just when Peridot was about to open the knife to cut off the offending cloth, Lapis reached around to grab Peridot's back with one hand and pulled her closer while her other hand gently squeezed Peridot's ass, causing her to gasp in surprise.

Lapis took advantage of Peridot's open mouth and began to kiss her. moaned into her mouth and Lapis moaned back. Breaking away, Peridot panted. "Do the thing," she asked. Lapis smiled widely. "Are you sure you're ready for that?"

"Oh, I'm ready," Peridot responded.

"Well come here then," Lapis said seductively before pulling Peridot in again.

Lapis slivered her tongue around Peridot's mouth and let the shape shifting begin. Peridot opened her mouth wide and let the process begin. Soon, the all too familiar giggling began as Peridot felt the amazing sensation across her teeth. Lapis' tongue had shape shifted into the Pillsbury dough boy and he was now making his way across every crevice of Peridot's white tooth bones. The scrubbing sensation as the dough boy ate away any possible plaque was even better than Peridot recalled. She sighed in pleasure. Lapis giggled at Peridot's reaction, and the combination of that and the dough boy absolutely thrilled Peridot. When the toothbrushing was finished, Peridot leaned into Lapis' chest and grinned.

"Is it your turn now?" she asked.

"Mmmmm," was the response she received from Lapis.

Peridot picked her knife back up and opened it. She carefully cut a line down the center of Lapis' dress and unfolded the cloth, leaving Lapis' body bare to the world. Peridot leaned down into Lapis and kissed her sternum. "You're beautiful," she whispered. Lapis' back arched at the surprising contact and she smiled. "You too," she whispered. Peridot held the bottle in her hands. "Say it, Lapis. Say it. In the Portuguese accent." Lapis smiled, "Before you begin, I have an idea."

"An idea?"

In response, Lapis grabbed Peridot's body and pulled it towards her, causing Peridot's legs to be splayed across Lapis' body. Peridot gulped as Lapis' tongue protruded in and around her entrance. Peridot sighed in pleasure as Lapis worked around her hole before entering it again and then sliding on that sacred spot, causing Peridot to almost topple over Lapis. Grinning, Lapis deemed Peridot ready and she reached for the mayonnaise bottle and dangled it in her hand before shoving it straight up Peridot's hole. Peridot straighted in surprise and gasped. Lapis smirked before pushing Peridot back to just below her belly button and then said, in a rich Portuguese accent "Lather me in mayonnaise and call me sin." Peridot looked down at Lapis and but her lip. She was ready to see Lapis covered in the white liquid. The only question was how....oh. Peridot took off the cap, threw it, and began to thrust her legs back and forth while squeezing her leg muscles. The white juice came out easily and threw itself wildly all over Lapis' body. The mayonnaise flowed out and Peridot leaned over and began to rub the thick mess around Lapis' body. "Awwwa," Lapis shuddered in ecstasy as even more came out. Peridot moaned as well; the bottle inside of her felt soooo gooood."H-how do I get it out?" she asked Lapis and Lapis grinned before reaching over and gently pulling out the bottle before throwing it out the window. She heard a thwack and small hoot and she pretended not to have heard the great horned owl that got hit with the empty bottle.

Peridot leaned over her and spread the mayonnaise across Lapis' body and looked directly into Lapis' eyes before whispering "sin." Peridot reached under the Lapis' pillow and felt around before finding the zucchini that she and Lapis had grown together. "I knew you would keep this here," she said as she watched Lapis' slow blush spread across her face. Peridot turned around so that her butt was facing Lapis and she could clearly see Lapis' entrance. In Peridot's limited experience, this angle brought Lapis the most joy. Peridot leaned down and brought her tongue around Lapis' labia. Circling her tongue around the golden spot, Lapis moaned under Peridot. "Nyeahehehehe," Peridot laughed before grabbing the zucchini and carefully placing it at Lapis' vaginal cavity. Slowly thrusting it in, Peridot was rudely awakened by a finger trailing over her butt cheeks. Peridot paused and Lapis whispered "Just go with it." Peridot nodded and continued her zucchini process. A finger poked Peridot's asshole. Lapis knew that Peridot enjoyed stretching, which meant she was going to love what would come next. Her thought process was interrupted by the beautiful feeling inside of her vagina. Lapis shape shifted her finger into the little ball she needed. Peridot squirmed as she felt the ball shape grow larger inside of her. "Mmmmmmm," she called out as she thrusted the zucchini further into Lapis' body. Peridot and Lapis were both panting loudly as Peridot moved the zucchini faster and faster. "Soon, Lapis?" Peridot asked. A light squealing noise was her only response. The ball in her butt was growing larger and smaller as she increased the speed of the zucchini. "What even-" Peridot gasped. "Is that?" she asked Lapis. Lapis grinned and panted back. "A volleyball." Lapis shuddered as she moved it around Peridot's butthole. "Ah!" Lapis shouted in surprise."

"What is it?" Peridot asked.

"The zucchini, Steven must have licked it!"

Peridot leaned over and started to pull out the zucchini, but Lapis screeched out "N-no, keep it there." Peridot laughed and continued thrusting the zucchini. "Mmm-ah" Lapis groaned out as she approached her climax, causing Peridot to moan in anticipation. The rubbing continued as they both reached their climax and screeched, making sounds similar to the screech-chirps of baby great horned owls. Peridot shrunk the volleyball back down into a finger and gently pulled it out of Peridot's asshole. The zucchini was shivering and they both looked at it uncertainly. "Should we put it out of it's misery?" Peridot asked before Lapis glared at her. Then the zucchini grew out its legs and walked back over to Lapis, shoving itself back into her hole and repeatedly thrusting. Peridot and Lapis stayed still I'm shock as the zucchini finished and then Lapis gasped. "There's something????" The zucchini was now sleeping and a smaller zucchini has crawled out of the hope and Peridot stated as it grew larger. The second it was as large as the first zucchini, it walked towards Lapis SPLAT. SPLAT Peridot had smashed them both with a baseball bat. "My Lapis! Get your own!" she called out.

"Um," Lapis said.

"Yeah"

"Weird"

"Wanna see if I can fit my whole leg up there?"

"You're so little you could fit both legs up there."

"Hey!!"

"Let's find out tomorrow"

"Okay"

The End

This crack fanfic was Lapidot. The words my friend chose for me to include were

mayonnaise

pillsbury dough boy

great horned owl

zucchini

definitely more words, but I'm too lazy to actually look them up and find out what they were.