Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Why Does No One Read the Manual?

When one is called upon by their superiors and handed a dossier with top secret information, they don’t expect to be told the assignment is to be a nanny for the summer.

Maxwell Pross expected there to be some guys from his unit jumping out from god knows where with a camera. Telling him he should have seen his face, laughing about it for a good while and then all of them to go out for drinks. After 10 whole minutes of uncomfortable silence, he started to doubt  the idea and stared at his commanding officer as if she’d had grown another head.

“Err...Ma’am?”

“Pross, you are aware of the Justice League correct?” Commander Hofte asked.

“Yes.” Who wasn’t?

“What many are not aware of is that despite their skills, at the end of the day they are people too. People with families that they want to but cannot protect all the time. As a gesture of goodwill between the League and the US Government, a solution to this issue was decided upon; on a trial basis. That file contains the details of your assignment.” She gestured to the thick red folder.

The file contained very sensitive information about America’s All-Stars....that they had children. Very young children that were supposedly almost as deadly as their parents. Children he was being assigned to watch for 8 hours of each day and some 24 hour periods over the summer. Right. The oldest was 10 years old. Letting anyone of them remotely near the crap their folks dealt with on a daily basis was cause for a full CPS investigation. There were 8 listed for whom he would assume responsibility. He read the reports growing more disbelieving with each head shot.

The first was shocking to say the least; Robin, Batman’s son. The first thing written was “appearances are deceiving”. Raising a brow and reading further along he saw why. He was utterly adorable but the 7 year old had just as many skills listed as a trained operative from his division. Acrobatics, gymnastics, martial arts (hand to hand as well as various weapons), skill with engineering and hacking. The boy could barely handle the english language and he could already run circles around new recruits (and some of his co-workers). This had to be a joke. Everyone knew that the guy who ran around dressed like a giant bat was borderline psychotic. Just ask the routine returnees to Arkham. No way he had a child.

Next was the freckled ginger known as Kid Flash. Super speed, healing,the metabolism of a humming bird and supercharged brain activity. At only 8, this also meant the kid showed abilities beyond his age too. A regular junior chemist, the same way Madame Curie only dabbled in radioactive element research. There were attached notes in messy second grade scrawl that he’d bet only their lab-rats would understand. While he supposed the metagene that gave Flash his abilities could be inherited, that level of intelligence at his age wasn’t. If it were, why wasn’t CalTech beating down his door with scholarship offers?

The third picture was of another red head, though this one had more native american features.Like the others, the 10 year old looked harmless. Speedy, Green Arrow and Black Canary’s son, had the same trademarks as his father; superior archery skills, hand to hand combat, gymnastics, and a degree of stealth. The expression on the child’s face was a little off putting if you believed what this file claimed he was capable of.

A 9 year old African American boy with gills and blonde hair was next. Pross knew straight away this was Aqualad. Atlanteans did come in more than one color apparently. The water mojo, super strength and electrical abilities were possible, considering he didn’t know much about our neighbors in the deep but no way this kid could break down a metal door with his bare foot. This was getting ridiculous.

Yet another red head. As a change of pace this one was green and female. Her age had two numbers. Mars: 8. Earth:15. He’d never given much thought to the fact that Mars revolved around the sun at a slower rate. Martian Manhunter’s niece had psychic and shapeshifting powers like her guardian but it was noted that when her mind wandered so did her abilities. Instruction not to scream if she became a totally different child or things levitated was in bold. Out of all the kids, she seemed the most likely to be exactly what her file claimed.

A picture of a miniature Superman was next. Superboy was literally a clone of his father. To the Lieutenant's relief he only had a handful of the Man of Steel’s abilities. The super human strength, sight, hearing and being pretty much indestructable were all the 8 year old had in under his skills. Considering his father could fly, cause tornadoes with a sneeze and shoot heat rays out of his eyes, that wasn’t so bad. He snorted. They could do wonders with photoshop these days. No moron would even attempt to clone the League powerhouse; it was bad enough the only way to weaken the adult version was in such short supply. One guy being that powerful was sure to end badly, why make another? Besides how do you get a sample from a guy whose skin was harder than steel? Next.

Number five was also another archer. Artemis was Speedy’s little sister, a few months older than Kid Flash. Blonde hair, asian features and deep brown eyes. She seemed tiny but he’d never been around many little girls so she could have been average sized for her age. Same skills as her brother and father; except her file also had a bold type tag. Do not make her cry, Speedy will hurt you. Pross doubted any of these supposed superkids were much of a threat so he wrote it off. Their mentors abilities were the result of training and years they’d yet to see; powers or not.

The next was another little girl most likely from the mediterranean sea area. Her black hair done up in pigtails and her costume a tuxedo with a skirt instead of pants. Zatanna, age 8, was an apprentice magician who’s tricks weren’t an illusion. Her father proved that on a regular basis. Not much else was listed in her skill set. Lost their imagination had they? He was so going to get Bleis and Hofte (the commander’s nephew) for this stupid ass stunt.

The last one in the main folder was an african american girl. Rocket, Icon’s adopted daughter, had a special belt that allowed her to fly and use Newton’s three laws to her advantage. Most notably was the force field she generated. It took the energy exerted on it and used it to make itself stronger. The harder something hit it, the harder it resisted. She didn’t have any other abilities listed. So he stopped reading. Something he’d done for each child and would come back to bite him in the ass later. At the time it didn’t matter. He was still waiting for someone to yell “You just got Punk’d!”.

“Ma’am, with all due respect, why are trained military operatives being scouted as babysitters? Couldn’t other superheroes do the job?” Pross found the reading interesting but still didn’t see why the ultra secretive league was even considering the military. Something had to be up.

“...Someone did something less than professional and even further from intelligent and that is all I am at liberty to say.” She sighed.

Bingo. Translation: Someone in the government pissed off the world’s most powerful group of people and this was some sort of repayment. “This is the salary you will be paid for the 3 month test run.”

“...” Pross stared at the contract. The bottom portion was a check. “I think there’s an error ma’am. There are only supposed to be two places after the decimal.”

“That’s not a decimal lieutenant, it’s a comma.” The corner of her lip tugged into a smirk when he made an interesting noise. “This job requires diplomacy, patience, an extensive and decorated military background and at least some experience dealing with children. You were recommended because you have all these qualifications. It also comes with full health benefits--you could become radioactive 7 years from now and they’ll buy you a lead lined suit so long as you could prove the it originated from this assignment.”

This had gone on long enough. Com. Hofte was known for her sense of humor but really? He had drills to run in the morning--

Ping!

Hofte motioned that it was alright and Pross took out his cellphone. He then checked the email that had been sent. It was from his bank kindly notifying him of the recent deposit the size of a JPL scientist’s yearly pay into his account. Okay, maybe there was something to this.

So, that’s how he found himself in Happy Harbor New Jersey with 120 days worth of personal effects. He was told to arrive at the main entrance of this base at 07:00 that Saturday, enter his access code and wait until his liaison arrived. Simple right?

Not hardly.

He punched in the temporary access code given to him presumably by Batman. The corridor was short before opening into a large area decorated like a play room: bright and full of toys. There were several monitors connected to multiple game consoles in the center. Next to it was a computer station with several units. He could see the kitchen a little ways away and more hallways on the other side if the play area. Setting his duffel down, he leaned his rollaway suitcase against the wall and looked about for a bit. He spotted the little blonde girl from his list sitting at a table playing with a doll. She was in a green costume with a mask that covered the upper part of her face. They even let them play dress up, this was going to be a piece of cake , he thought to himself. Until she looked over at him and screamed bloody murder.

“Stranger!” She hollered reaching for the green bow propped up against the table.

Then he heard the sound of something clicking followed by five red blurs assaulting his field of vision. Next thing he knew, he was literally stuck to the wall by arrows pinned through his civvies. He didn’t even have time to grab his side arm.

“Don’t move.”  How the hell was he gonna like this?! The officer blinked realizing it was a young voice that was so demanding. A little boy in a yellow feathered cap, domino mask and red vest was about ten feet away, an arrow notched in his bow and leveled at the man. The same kid listed as the blonde's big brother. The clicking noise must have been his own collapsible bow unfolding.“Who are you and how did you get in here?”

“Speedy, sweetheart. I’ve told you before to ask questions first, let them answer then shoot afterwards if they’re bad people.” A woman sighed. Turning his head as much as the shaft sticking out of his collar and the one a millimeter from his face would allow, he could see Black Canary walking toward him.

“...sorry Mommy.” He looked down and muttered. “But he scared Artie!”

“That’s not a valid excuse. It’s Lt. Pross you should apologize to.”

Another sorry was murmured and the child looked everywhere but at him. Clearly only humoring his mother as children tend to do when they don’t see what they did wrong.

WTF?! Who lets a kid actually run around with a collapsible bow and real frickin arrows?! Just as disturbing: how’d he fire off so many so accurately in like ten seconds?! They were in there deep too, the heads weren’t visible at all. The heroine acted as if it were nothing serious to be yanking bits of rock and occasionally only half the projectile out of the stone wall.

“I apologize for this sir.” The blonde helped Pross dislodge himself from the wall. “He’s a bit over zealous when defending the cave. I’m Black Canary, this is my son Speedy. You’re a little early, we just arrived ourselves. Artemis, come meet Lt. Pross.”

“He’s not a stranger?” The little girl had a bit of a lisp. It was explained whens he grinned at him as she bound up to them. One of her front teeth was missing. Not one of the center ones, it was one right next to them. “Hi my name is Artemis. Are you a police man? If you are you’re not dressed right.”

“No I’m Marine Lieutenant Maxwell Pross Artemis. Right now, I’m not on duty so I don’t wear my uniform.” Pross tried not to look wary of the 10 year old boy pointedly glaring at him. He wasn’t going to let a half pint intimidate him no matter how much of a lucky shot he was.

Recognized Batman 01. Robin B01.

“But dad-dy!”

“Robin, you are not getting a dog. Maybe when you’re older.” The Dark Knight’s tone was neutral, not belaying the irritation any parent would feel after constant pestering. A startling contrast of colors was following him with a pout. “You’re early Pross. Robin, say hello to the lieutenant.”

“Hmph!” The boy folded his green gloved hands across his chest. Boy those masks were good at showing scowls without showing their eyes. “Hi.”

“He’s upset about wanting a puppy. He might do his ninja impression so that he can sulk for a while until Kid Flash arrives I hope you read the manual we sent you, it lists his favorite hiding spots.” Gotham’s hero began. He paused and sighed. “You didn’t, did you?”

“Well, to be honest I thought this was a gag for the most part until I got paid in advance. I didn’t doubt you all were parents (LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE) I just wasn’t sure of why so much was listed about each kid. How much trouble could they be?” Was his semi-honest and least likely to get him killed answer.

“You do at least know 3 of the kids aren’t exactly human though?” Canary sounded hopeful. It quickly faded at his expression. “Batman we can’t leave him with the kids unprepared.”

“Canary I doubt they’ll do any permanent damage to him on the first day.That’s what the kevlar body suit in his room he could put on under his clothes is for.”

“I’m worried about my babies! The others too! If he didn’t know that, he has no idea Aqualad’s allergic to peanuts. That Speedy won’t let  him near Artemis until he’s sure the man’s not a mole. That Zatanna’s hiccups fire off random hexes. Or letting Robin nap with his utility belt is not an option for god sakes. Things that could get any one of them hurt!”

Hold it. They were about to leave him with 8 kids that could kill him and they weren’t concerned about his welfare in the least. Either this really was a joke, it wasn’t but the kids really weren’t that bad, or they were worse and the woman’s maternal instincts cancelled out caring about any danger he could possibly be in. He really hoped it wasn’t the last one.

Recognized Icon 20. Rocket B09.

The large black man entered the cave. His sleeping daughter rested against his chest in one arm and a Hello Kitty backpack was in the other. Pross could see the light glint off of her belt.

“It is rather early for Rocket to be up and alert. I do believe I was fortunate to at least get her dressed before she dozed off again. She did not eat breakfast though. You must be the new summer caretaker, it is nice to meet you.”

“Hello.” This guy is huge! TV cameras lie in more ways than one, Rocket looked like a pixy compared to him. Icon looked at his co workers, Speedy’s expression and the one Pross had.

“He did not review the manual did he? Just like Srgt. Melrose.” He shook his head.

Melrose? He’s that guy from Alpha 3 squad that recently got disability discharge. No one knew for sure what happened to mess him up so bad.

Uh-oh...

Recognized Martian Manhunter 07. Miss Martian B05. Zatanna B08. Kid Flash B03.

WHOOSH! Green and blue, black and white and red and yellow blurs exited the transporter.

“Whee!”

“I win!”

“Nuh-uh! I got her first!”

Two little girls (one of which was green) and a boy were arguing about who got to where Speedy was first. Immediately they demanded he declare a winner.

“It’s a draw.” Speedy shrugged. It wasn’t the answer any of them wanted. The girls were easily distracted by Artemis holding up a doll and they followed her across the room. Well two did. Rocket continued snoring slightly and drooling in her father’s chest oblivious to the commotion. Robin and Kid Flash ran over to the entertainment center, leaving the adults and a still glaring Speedy with the military man.

“Hello. Flash and Zatara are still overseas on assignment. M’gann appreciates the company despite their entrance.” Manhunter greeted everyone. He picked up on the thoughts of the others and closed his red eyes in exasperation. Tilting his head back, he pinched the bridge of his barely there nose. “Again? Did they learn nothing from the spring break incident?”

Things were starting to fit together. Melrose vanished for a week in April only to come back in a full body cast. No special ops missions were scheduled during that time so his buddies went to check on him. The most anyone got out of him before the lawyers and doctors shooed his team away from his hospital bed was “those little devils!” before he slipped into incoherent French.

Recognized Superman 01. Superboy B04. Aquaman 06. Aqualad B03.

“Father, must I stay here? I would rather play with Garth and Tula” Aqualad looked up at the older blond man. He was holding a black backpack under his chin.

“They are visiting relatives in the North and Eastern waters Kaldur’um. I thought you enjoyed spending time with your surface world friends.”

“Not in the summer. It is too hot on land.”

“We can go to the beach. The cave has a pool too.” Superboy said. It was eerie how much he looked like the man standing behind him. And even more so when both boys went silent then turned his way. The boy of steel frowned. “They sent another idiot.”

“Kon-El...”

“It’s not polite to say everything I’m thinking, I know Dad. But look at him. He hasn’t got a clue!” He protested.

Suddenly, surviving multiple deployments in Iraq and classified stealth missions to several need to know locales seemed like not nearly enough experience and more like sheer dumb luck. Melrose had been a transplant from Aquitaine that got into the SEALs before getting selected for their special Ops Marine division for crying out loud! He’d only been with them for a week and nearly died.

He’d signed a contract for 3 whole months.

He really should have read the manual. His life probably depended on it.

Chapter Text

I know Wally's older than Artie guys, Pross wasn't exactly being thorough when he checked out his assignment. Remember, he thought this was a gag. Skimming is not the same as reading, as we'll see him truly regret here.

Believe What You Read
Or
Cute but Psycho....Things DO NOT Even Out

“I hazard to guess that you at least know their names and ages.” Batman stated. “Being that the first words in the file were appearances are deceiving, the best advice I can give you is to believe what you read. That way I’m sure you’ll last longer than 4 days.”

“Four? Melrose was here for seven or eight wasn’t he?”

“Yeah and he took a nap for 3 of ‘em.” Speedy grinned wickedly.

“Speedy, the adults are talking. Go play with your friends.” Canary said sternly. No room for argument.

“Yes’m.” He wandered over to where the younger boys were setting up the Wii. Refolding his bow, the boy secured it to his back and grabbed a wheel to play Mario Kart.

Their new watcher eyed them all curiously. Each was in a costume. Nothing odd about that; school was out and they wanted to dress up like their parents got to. Well Superboy only had on a black tee with his father’s logo and blue jeans. Upon closer inspection, he noted the weapons strapped to them were not toys. And that was just the items he could see. He’d bet his outrageous pay advance that turning any of them upside down and shaking vigorously would produce an arsenal. That train of thought lead to blurting out the following before he had a chance to think about it.

“Sir, if they’re basically miniature versions of their parents, why is a caretaker needed? If you don’t mind me asking.” Way to go, Pross. Mental Maxwell face palmed. Stupid questions right off the bat.

“The only stupid questions are the ones we do not ask Lieutenant. While it is true most things a parent would worry about do not apply here, far more less conventional factors do. The children have the skill set but not the experience. You don’t honestly believe a regular summer program could handle a little girl that floats when she sleeps do you?” Manhunter replied.

“Being the child of a hero is not as easy as you assume. It means they have the same or very similar abilities as we do. Special precautions have to be taken. While Kon-El does attend school during the year, it is only with the help of an inhibitor bracelet that he can interact without fear of exposure.” Superman added. He left off the implied ‘or grievous bodily injury to others or property’. “My wife is the only civilian that can deal with him.”

"Speedy may seem normal by comparison but he is capable of breaking a grown man's bones acting on instinct alone. Artemis is tiny but can use a scissor maneuver to throw someone your size a fair distance." The blond woman looked more proud than anything else.

"Robin is no different." The Bat said in a short manner.

So there was a butt load of new info. Granted all of it was probably in that manual he skimmed...

Superman’s married. The officer wondered how much of a personal life Leaguers actually had. He knew Green Arrow and Black Canary were husband and wife but that had to be easier than being married to a civilian. A fragile, helpless civilian you worried for constantly. It was part of the reason his relationships lasted a year at the longest since he got selected for Alpha 2 squad. He learned the world is a far scarier place than just the front lines. The worry made it hard to concentrate sometimes. So, how did a mere mortal woman handle a kryptonian throwing a tantrum?

“The woman you are thinking of is anything but helpless. While not apart of the League, Superboy’s mother has earned a healthy dose of respect from ourselves and is classified as the same level threat as an axillary member by the villain community. Targeting her is as risky as targeting a SWAT team. I apologize but your thoughts are quite loud Lt Pross. Something you will want to watch until Blue Beetle is done with the neural inhibitor he is working on. M’gann is like a radio antenna, picking up even the weakest of signals.” The martian man read his thoughts again.

“Yep, Lois Lane-Kent and helpless do not belong in the same sentence.” Superman affirmed with a fond smile. Seeing the dawning of recognition, he rolled his eyes. “You don’t know any of their civilian names do you? Just how far did you really read?”

“To about who their mentor was and skills.”

“So, approximately an inch down on each page. I was under the impression that the military was more detail oriented. I understand you thought that this wasn’t a real assignment so why would you sign on?” Icon’s voice came from his left. The larger man was returning to the group after placing Rocket in the nap area.

“You saw zeros and nearly passed out. Figured we were throwing money at you to deal with an otherwise menial job because of our status. So, how does it feel to be wrong?” Batman smirked.

“Melrose was the same way you know. Watching 9 kids couldn’t possibly be dangerous enough to warrant combat and hazard pay on top of so much health care coverage. Joked about it right up until Kaldur’um electrocuted the Sergeant. In my boy’s defense, the man startled him, and triggered a natural defense mechanism mentioned in his file. I’m not sure he’s actually able to remember the incident--wiped a few memories of his childhood as well if I’m not mistaken. That contract is legally binding by the way.” Aquaman added as an after thought.

The heroes took some pity on him. He received a data pad with The Manual preloaded with digital cross reference. They were going to give him an hour and a half to review it as the children would normally be arriving around 9 am each day. After 32 minutes he concluded that he was officially in over his head. He spent the remaining 58 contemplating the merits of going AWOL.

All of the kids were adopted in some way or another. But, they shared some DNA with their adoptive parents. Huh? The reason for that was listed as CADMUS and Desmond beaten within an inch of his life. That’s all that was written.

Robin, Richard, was not allowed to sleep with his utility belt because of nightmares. A picture of a door with 7 shuriken embedded in it was the only explanation. There was also instruction not to be alarmed if he saw him in the rafters...which where well over 30 feet high.

Sugar was like jet fuel to Kid Flash or rather Wally's metabolism. It really did run him up the walls. There was a schedule that said the boy needed to eat at least 8000 calories roughly ever 90 min. He’s allergic to cats.

Roy, the one that nearly skewered him, was ultra protective of his baby sister. They had bad experiences with sitters in Star City with ulterior motives (ransom, revenge, leverage). His initial reaction to Pross was considered mild.

Kaldur could generate an electric jolt like an eel if he really tried but it usually manifested as a result of being afraid. The thing around his neck was actually a system designed to keep him cool as he had trouble regulating his body temperature; something he would grow out of. If he overheats, only water to drink for an hour. And you know, the peanut allergy.

Superboy or Kon-El or just plain Conner is scared of the dark. He is not to be left alone in an unlit area for any reason. He also has no problem voicing exactly what’s on his mind, just like his mother. Unfortunately he lacks her tact; the ability to distinguish between what was appropriate to say and when.

Miss Martian was M’gann or Megan on Earth. She liked to cook but was only allowed to do so with her Easy Bake oven unsupervised. She could help with meal preparation but couldn’t use her power while doing so. She lacked the focus to properly divide her attention between more than a task at a time. There was an addendum stating that Melrose was struck in the chest with an electric mixer when she began thinking about what color unicorns should be while making instant pudding.

Artemis seemed the most easy going. There were actually two dates listed but only one was her birthdate. The first was the date her biological mother, Huntress (wait, WHAT?!) officially retired from the villain racket nine months prior. The way it worked out, Artemis was barely older than Robin. Why was that date important? The only warning listed for her was do not make her cry. The ‘Speedy will hurt you’ part was missing from this version. Still, he had a deep sense of foreboding...

Zatanna did in fact have problems with hiccups. They were destructive bursts of magical energy. The only way to deal with them was to slap an inhibitor bracelet on her arm until they stopped and remove it immediately afterwards. It was noted that the program was intended for them to get used to regulating their own abilities there fore the inhibitors were a last resort.

Rocket or Raquel liked to fly but was to be encouraged to walk more often. She’d broken her leg last winter and gotten used to levitating in order to get around easier. She liked to use big words like her father and wrote better stories than many high schoolers. Small notes; she cannot swim and... she bites. That is not a small note people.

There were general guidelines for every one.

1. Children will be dropped off at 9:00 am and picked up at 5:00pm daily unless otherwise notified. League business may call for earlier drop offs or extended stays. Overnight supervision would also be necessary upon short notice.

2. No liquids after 7:30pm. No exceptions. Kaldur may sleep in the pool if he is dehydrated.

3. WWE is banned and how Raquel broke her leg.

4. Gak, Floam, Silly Putty, Slime and gum are banned indoors. o.O

5. One child out of your sight for a short time may be fine. If two or more are missing, you have a problem.

Oh boy.

*break*

By 10am, the elder heroes were gone and Wally had already eaten two of his special high calorie bars. The kids were all doing various things while he perused the surveillance system controls. He got the hang of it fairly quickly and was delighted to learn that the kids all had tracers in their uniforms. His data pad could sync to the computer and allow him to control the cave or track the tots remotely.

BAM!

Pross looked up from the console to see Artemis sprawled on the ground near the kitchen. They had all be running around when she hit the side of the counter full force. She sat up and noticed she had a small bleeding cut on her shin. Her bottom lip quivered as blood dripped down her leg. The other kids froze, and began to sweat. Several inched backwards.

“Run Away!” Superboy yelled. Several blurs ran past him just as he crossed the gap and knelt beside her. That was mean. He ignored them, telling Artemis she was going to be okay and opening the first aid kit. A shadow was cast over him and he realized there were only six tufts of hair peaking over the sofa.

Kid Flash and Speedy had stayed put on either side of her.

Erk!

The same man who’d once held on to the side of a speeding train after jumping from a chopper was still concerned...yeah, concerned...about the angry red head with the bow and arrows being so close to him. Canary had helpfully pointed out that Roy did not like strangers near Artemis.

Was he still a stranger?

Feeling brave, he looked at the boy standing over him. The scowl was gone, replaced by a smile. An eerie, malicious smile. He raised the hand not holding his sister’s shoulder and wiggled his fingers at him as if to say ‘bye-bye’.

“WHAAAAAAA!” The tiny blonde wailed. The sound was normal for all of 2 seconds before it morphed into an ear splitting screech that sent him tumbling end over end away from them. The His chest smashed into the opposite side of the kitchen enclave. He found himself face down on the tile with his back bent the wrong way and his legs dangling over his head. The noise stopped suddenly replaced by sobs. He angled his head to see what happened.

“There you go.” Speedy said putting a green band-aid on the cut. The young man was wearing ear plugs so he could clean and dress her leg. Beside him was Wally holding her hand with plugs in his ears too. When he was done, they took them out. “All better.”

“Thanks you guys.” she sniffled. She stood up and hugged them.

“Power Rangers is on!” Raquel hollered from the den. Artemis and Wally dashed off cheering, hand in hand. Cut forgotten, leaving Pross alone with the ginger demon. Before he could sit up properly, a tiny foot was pressed into his back with incredible force.

“Ow! Kid get off, not funny.” He grunted.

“It is to funny!” Roy bent down to whisper into the trapped man’s ear. “I don’t like you. You’re just another sap the military sent to spy on us, we know all about your team. Rob hacked yer division. We took care of the last guy and we’ll take care you too. You only here for us to ‘play’ with til we get bored.”

This wasn’t happening. It had to be a dream.

He’d made Taliban rebels wet themselves. Blown labs conductig horrifying experiments to kingdom come. How could he be trapped under the steel toed boot of someone who’s huevos had yet to drop and sweating bullets?! He’d pinch himself if it weren’t for the sharp grinding pain in the in his lower vertebrae.

Heaven help him.

*End*

Chapter Text

Read the Label

Or

And Then There Were 10....Are You SERIOUS?!

Lunch time rolled around without another...incident. Everyone was either watching Transformers or on a computer. Aside from the on screen explosions, not a sound was made. No yelling, not shoving. They say glued to the devices. This wasn’t normal child behavior. And it was Megan that first said something about being hungry after tapping him while he sat half reading a book, half looking up every few moments.

True to her file, Megan had been very helpful in the kitchen. She knew exactly where everything was and suggested hot dogs and popcorn for lunch. She also reminded him that Wally usually ate 7 but they had played tag earlier so he should make 14 just for him.

The pantry was...an eye opener. He’d watched the Martian girl go in but she didn’t immediately pop back out with the box of popcorn or some buns. Once the gallon sized pot was boiling, she still hadn’t come out. Maybe she was just distracted. Her uncle said it happened a lot.

“Alright Meg-” He walked around the door and paused mid-sentence.

Blink.

The marine hadn’t counted on stepping into a small grocery store, not from the outer dimensions of the closet. Just a standard door beside the fridge. There were shelve further than he could see and the distinct cool wisps of visible air that seeped from a freezer some where off to the right but out of sight. Suddenly a red and green box was being waved in front of his face.

“I wanted to get the caramel kind, Conner really likes it. Mr. Red Tornado forgots it last time and I thought he forgots again but look it!” She held up the box of microwaveable caramel coated popcorn like a trophy. Blech. What was it with kids and putting sugar on anything they could think of?

“Alright let’s get to it then.”

After Speedy enlightened him as to what the tykes really thought of him, he'd been more on guard than before. None of the others had been openly hostile (though he wasn’t exactly comfortable with the glare Robin gave him when he was told to turn off the computer come eat lunch) but he wasn’t going to relax just yet. The kid could have been messing with him. Or he could have been serious as a heart attack.

“Alright guys, time to clean up. Everyone dump your trash in the trash can and put the plates in the sink.”

“Okay!”

No arguement? Nope. All nine cleared their plates without a fuss. Of course it was too good to be true but not in the way he expected. Eight returned to their activities, but one tugged on his pants while he washed dishes.

“Lt. Pross, I am quite itchy.” Kaldur’s proper diction stated but it sounded like the boy had something in his mouth. When he looked down, he was beyond alarmed.

The child’s eyes were bloodshot red and his skin was covered in blotchy hives. That wasn’t the worst part. His cheeks and tongue were swollen to twice their normal size--he look like a disease chipmunk! He was scratching like not tomorrow and struggling to breathe. Why was he so frickin’ calm about it?!

“Holy shit!” He snatched the epi-pen from the lanyard on the fridge with a note above it that said ‘If Kaldur gets puffy’. Uncapping it, he stabbed the tube into the kid’s thigh in a panic. Anaphalaxis didn’t take long to suffocate someone, so he just acted on autopilot. Too bad auto pilot didn’t take into account the teensy detail that-

BZZZZZT!

--he should have warned the boy that packed a 50,000 volt startle reflex before ramming a sharp object into his leg like a mad man. He saw stars then nothing but white for a few seconds before he was looking up at the cave ceiling and unable to control the spasming in his extremities.

“I apologize, father always tells me to count to three first. Thank you though.” Kal still sounded bad but the syringe the caretaker’s hand had a death grip on was empty thank god. “Are you alright? I remembered it was only you faster than with Srgt Melrose.”

“F-Fine.” Pross managed to get out between chattering teeth. Standing up he shook his head trying to clear the tingle from his brain. For the second time in one day, he’d almost been killed by a child. Artemis blasting his eardrums didn’t quite count as slamming into a counter wasn’t lethal despite the contorted position he ended up in. Just painful.

Apparently, the popcorn contained peanut pieces. They were tiny so the caramel and popcorn itself covered up the taste and no body noticed. This whole episode could have been avoided if he’d read the stupid label.

Allergy Warning, Contains Peanuts.

Sonnova-

[Recognized Blue Beetle (imagine a designation). Booster Gold (Ditto). Little Blue (ditto).]

The transporter activated and two costumed men walked. The one in black and gold was holding the hand of a very small boy dressed in a plain yellow tank top, blue shorts and black sneakers. The guy dressed in blue was fiddling with that looked like an over-sized version of one of those handy hangers things. Only this one was sleek like something from space.

“Uncle Blue!”

“Uncle Gold!”

“Sup kids. Where’s your new sitter?” Booster asked the little ones crowded around him.

“Right here. Lt. Pross, Mr. Booster Gold sir.” Maxwell was still a bit wobbly as he walked up to them.

“Not old enough for you to call me sir. You guys go play till we’re done.” The blond laughed. The small boy with them leaped onto Conner’s back and the gang ran off.

“ What’s that?!” Blue Beetle shouted pointing behind him and the serviceman whipped around, afraid one of his charges was in trouble.

Pssst! Something pressed into the base of his skull then penetrated the skin like a hot needle.

“Gah! What the hell man?!” He clasped his hand over the area and glared at the bug themed hero.

“Neural inhibitor. Protects you from Miss Martian’s abilities. She’s got a rather low ability to affect brain waves but strong enough to read minds and cause hallucinations. These will be useful as well. I hope you are wearing the under armour Batman designed.” Blue Beetle handed him a pair of arm bands as if he hadn’t heard the complaint. He went back to messing with the device.

“They’ll level the playing field a little. They work a lot like Rocket’s belt. Well the defensive abilities: levitation and a force field you can project around yourself or use to immobilze something moving. Put ‘m on and they sync to the chip in your head, don’t worry Robin can’t get past the firewall on it. We realize the guy before you was kind of a sittin’ duck so...” Booster grinned before slinging his partner over his shoulder and hauling ass to the transporter.

“Whagh! Booster put me down this instant! You forgot Jaime!”

“No I didn’t! Later little man! Be good!”

“Si, Padre!” The Hispanic child chirped and waved. Wasn’t he across the room a second ago?

Wait, huh?!

[Recognized Blue Beetle (imagine a designation). Booster Gold (Ditto).]

He stood confused as hell still rubbing his neck and holding the new devices. They just left him here!

Well, Beetle didn’t look like he knew Booster was gonna sprint into the zeta beam with him in a fireman carry. His bewildered expression and shouting about the kid proved that. He looked down at the little boy and big brown eyes looked up at him expectantly. After a moment, he held up his blue and black backpack and beamed.

“¡Es noche especial del Padre con Papá, así que llegar a pasar la noche! Soy Jaime, ¿cuál es tu nombre?”

Pross understood the word dad twice, night, name and maybe that the kid’s name was ‘high-me’. His Spanish was kind of rusty. Didn’t need it where he’d been deployed.

That didn’t mean...nah, he’s just showing off.

“Okay, that’s pretty impressive Spanish kid. Now, what’s your name? And why’d your big brothers leave you like that?”

“Hermanos mayores? Yo no tengo ningún hermano, señor.” The small boy tilted his head in confusion.

“He doesn’t understand Jaime.” Zatanna shook her head at him then turned to Pross, pointing at the new arrival. “This is Jaime, he’s two an a half. He has two daddies, not brothers. He can only say stuff in Spanish, but he hears English okay.”

Weird but considering where he was, whatever.

“So what did he say?”

“It’s their special night tonight. Jaime’s gonna stay with us too!” Megan cheered and did a happy dance with Conner. Rather, she grabbed him and swung his arms around as she jumped about. When they settled, a light blush spread across the boy’s face.

New facts: Blue Beetle and Booster Gold were a couple. They also had a son, a toddler that only speaks Spanish. He couldn’t he couldn’t understand a word out of the kid’s mouth, but an 8 year old Italian girl and a girl from Mars, could. Actually, all the rugrats seemed to be able to understand him. Well, this might not be so bad. Wonder if he’s in the file too...

Hold on, what was that peaking out of the back of his top?

There was something blue, round and shiny under the yellow fabric. He only saw it as Jaime bent down to scratch his leg. It was rather large and bulging outward. Curiosity got the better of him; before he really thought about it, he  leaned over and pulled the collar away from his back.  In hindsight, a stupid idea. One of many today.

“Wait!” Kaldur panicked. Too late. Spooked, the Hispanic child went rigid at the touch. The other children pressed themselves to the floor and covered their heads.

Not.

Good.

At.

ALL.

[Threat detected!] A mechanical voice cried.

A whir, click, and whoom later, his chest was on fire and he was sailing away from the boy. He didn’t even have time to put on the arm bands, pity.

“potS!” The little magician called and Pross’ impromptu flight stopped. He floated a few inches from the main computer’s huge screen and looked down. His t-shirt had a bowling ball sized hole with singed edges. Smoke was pouring off of the black body suit underneath. Thank god the did put it on after all. He must have been too heavy for Z because she grunted then he landed on his butt a second later.

“¡Lo siento! Me has asustado, y el señor escarabajo se despertó!”Jaime called sheepishly. The kid’s whole left arm was plated in blue and black armor forming the shape of a cannon. The glow of the muzzle faded and the metal retreated to his back area. “¿Estás bien?”

“He’s unharmed Jaime! You woke up the scarab on his back, it’s very agressive.” Rocket hovered above, reaching down to help him up. Still in shock, he allowed her to pull him to his feet when she grabbed his hand.

Agressive she says! He’d be see through right now if not for Batman’s parting gift! That’s the third time!

“Why does he have a built in ray gun?!”

“It’s a plasma cannon.” Kid Flash rolled his eyes. “The scarab on his back is sentient techno-organic battle suit. Lab accident, now it’s stuck to his spine. His hero name is Lil Blue.”

“Uncle Blue yelled at Uncle Gold for a real long time.” Superboy scratched his head. “He was ‘pposed to be watching Jaime I think. It’s mean and zaps people when he’s mad and when they scare him.”

“Fue muy fuerte.”

“Just like Miss Iris did at Uncle Flash. He hid at our house cuz she was so yelly.” Robin nodded.

...?!

What is wrong with these people?! Why hasn’t social services shown up?!!!!

This was the second kid that got his super powers from lab accident that happened on his guardian’s watch and he wasn’t even old enough for kindergarten. Two of them were armed to the teeth with weapons including but not limited to a stun gun, shuriken, arrows and a grappling hook; Artemis had a switchblade in the toe of her boot (He found that crap out as they were ‘play fighting’ while their parents watched that morning; not in the least concerned about them maiming each other. They were pointing out the places to strike at and how to defend for god sakes!). Two were aliens with powers and a third was a half alien due to a kidnapping by Cadmus with a bizzaro belt. One was a witch with lethal hiccups and the last one was a walking generator from the sea.

This was insane!

“It’s only 1:30, ready to quit yet?” Speedy asked, that creepy grin returning.

Oh yeah, social services wouldn’t stand a chance against the kids much less their folks. That’s why.

*End*

Chapter Text

This is doing so well. Hugs to all!

It has been brought to my attention that the names are getting a bit confusing--I know I tend to switch between civilian and hero names a lot. So, here is a quick recap of the current cast

Lt. Maxwell Pross

He’s a marine who is part of a special operations division of the military. It has many different service branch members selected for their individual skill. The division itself is called Alpha. Because of his background, he was chosen by his commanding officers to act as a caretaker for the children of the League for the summer. The kids are torturing him but not always on purpose.

At some point, all the kids were kidnapped by Cadmus and experimented on. The tests gave them DNA from their parents/guardians that has created all sorts of bizzare situations. On the plus side, genetic testing now proves the ones they call their parents to biologically be so regardless of how their family formed.

Robin/Dick/Richard

wee!Robin is very much like his older self. He has all his weapons and skills but lacks the experience to deal with his nightmares yet (and he’s not allowed to fall asleep wearing his utility belt because of it). He calls Batman daddy and Kid Flash is his best friend.

Kid Flash/Wally

wee!Kid Flash is far more hyper than his teen-aged self. It hasn’t been shown yet but he has less control over his powers (often runs into walls and has trouble turning). Like Flash, his powers aren’t from a metagene but a lab accident; that Iris nearly killed Barry because of. He has a crush on Artemis. In this universe, Flash is his adopted father.

Speedy/Roy (Red Arrow)

wee!Speedy is the oldest and so far the most hostile towards the Lt. Part of it is due to the number of previous sitters he’s had in Star City that turned out to be enemies or just nuts. Part of it is he enjoys tormenting the man (Pross’ mental nickname for Speedy is ginger devil even though he has no freckles). Like Robin, he has his full skill set. He calls Green Arrow Dad and Black Canary mom; but mommy when he is talking to her.

Aqualad/Kaldur’um/Kaldur

wee!Aqualad is the second oldest and speaks with far better diction than his peers just like his older self. He has a severe peanut allergy and has not yet learned to control his electrical attacks (they usually manifest as a startle response). Aquaman has adopted him as his son and is addressed as Father.

Miss Martian/M’gann/Megan

wee!Miss Martian is just as peppy as her older self but she has a tougher time staying focused on things. When her mind wanders, so do her powers (at great hazard to those around her :P). She likes to cook and seems to have a crush on Superboy. Martian Manhunter is still her uncle but for legal purposes he is her guardian as well.

Superboy/Kon-El/Conner

wee!Superboy got a better deal than his YJ counterpart. Not only does Superman want him as a child, but he has Lois Lane for a mom. It has also been said that Lois is not the damsel in distress the comics play her up to be (Manhunter makes it clear that she is considered dangerous even by villains). Like his mother he often says exactly what he’s thinking but isn’t old enough to know when not to. He calls Supes dad.

Artemis

wee!Artemis is Speedy’s little sister whom he is fiercely protective of. Her file originally states ‘don’t make her cry, Speedy will hurt you’ but the digital version simply says ‘don’t make her cry’. This amendment is explained when she Canary Cries Lt Pross across the kitchen after scrapping her leg. She likes Kid Flash but you will see them argue a lot. Green Arrow and Canary are daddy and mommy to her but her file mentions Huntress as her birth mother.

Zatanna

wee!Zatanna has killer hiccups that fire of bursts of magical energy and the only way to stop them is to use and inhibitor bracelet and wait till they stop. She seems to be good at explaining things to the Lt. She is staying with Kid Flash and Megan’s uncle while Zatara and Flash are out of the country on assignment.

Rocket/Raquel

wee!Rocket has Icon for a dad. She likes to write and show off her large vocabulary; often she will use words more advanced kids would but her grammar isn’t as meticulous as Kaldur’s. She broke her leg several months prior and as a result has gotten used to flying but is to be encouraged to walk more often. Due to the Cadmus incident, she has some of Icon’s alien DNA.

Lil Blue/Jaime (Blue Beetle)

wee!Jaime has two fathers, Booster Gold and Blue Beetle (Ted Kord). The scarab isn’t making him crazy though. It does nearly vaporize Pross when he scares Jaime. The accident that caused it to fuse with his spine happened when Booster was supposed to be watching him. Odd side effects: he hears and reads English just fine but can only speak in Spanish (the only person this seems to be an issue for is Lt. Pross) and another one from this chapter.

Read Between the Lines

Or

Syne-- what? Oh dear god...

After that fiasco, Pross quickly put on the armbands. Been nearly roasted by a toddler was not fun. Speaking of whom, he found himself even more baffled by Jaime when he sat down by himself with a pencil and some paper. The boy liked numbers, a lot. He spent a lot of his time writing math problems and giggling. He didn’t understand why at first and became even more confused when he saw that the problems he was doing were trig level. The kid was two!

When nap time came, he wisely took the opportunity to check the datapad and found the file on the kid with the killer metal bug on his back. It said that the scarab on his back was an AI and armour with impressive defensive and offenive capabilities (no shit) and warned not to agitate it (duly noted). It was invented by Blue Beetle and became attached due to a momentary lapse in attention on Booster Gold’s part when the boy was playing in the laboratory. As a result he has somewhat scrambled neuropathways resulting in his inability to speak in anything but Spanish. He cannot understand it when it is spoken or printed though; only English. He also has a few forms ofsynesthesia not caused but amplified by this condition.

“What’s synesthesia?” He thought aloud. The kids were all snoring away on their mats in the rec room. Or so he thought.

“The production of a sense impression relating to one sense or part of the body by stimulation of another sense or part of the body.” Rocket answered. The looked over to see her spiky locks moving behind the sofa before she came around the side holding a coloring book and some crayons. With a flicker of lavender, she levitated up and plopped down next to him.

“You’re supposed to be taking a nap.” The lieutenant sighed. “How do you know that?”

“I read a lot and I’m not sleepy. I want to color.” She opened the book to a scene where Hello Kitty and Keroppi were playing in the snow.

“Do you know what those words actually mean Rocket or are you just repeating the definition?” He smiled as she made the Japanese feline’s parka pink.

“It’s what Jaime has. We see regular graphemes or numbers and letters. He sees colors and it makes math super easy for him. He can’t read very well now so how it works when he spells things is as yet undetermined.” She didn’t even look up from her picture. “He likes how numbers change colors when he rearranges them or makes new numbers with them cause it’s like magic. That’s why he was doing those problems.”

“Makes as much sense as anything else today.” He shrugged. No, no it doesn’t. How does that work?

Unfortunately for him he was about to get an eyeful of exactly how it worked.

Just not the kind the little tot had.

The data pad pinged and a video began to play. Hadn’t pushed anything and couldn’t get it to stop.

<Booster I’m mad at you!> The voice of Blue Beetle spoke. The video was of a laboratory out of a sci-fi flick. He wasn’t wearing a costume but a lab coat. The man sat hunched over a table doing something that required goggles so he still couldn’t see his face.

<Awe babe you can’t be that upset.> Booster chuckled coming up behind him. He wrapped his arms around the smaller man and a devious smirk formed on the gold and black clad hero’s lips. He dangled a whistle in front of him. <Oh no you don’t.>

Blue swatted it away and it landed across the desk. Undeterred, the blond man did something with his wrist and the sound of a whistle filled the room. The sound was odd though, much higher than the gym whistle sitting on the desk. The pitch bordered on just out of the range of human hearing. If Pross thought that was strange, what came next caused his brain to die.

<Nngh...> Blue groaned. Not an ‘ow!’ groan. It was an ‘ah...’ groan. A faint blush spread across his face. Booster did it again. <Nnghh....not fair...I’m still mad.>

<But how long can you stay mad like this?> Booster purred, sliding the white garment off of the flustered scientist revealing the blue dress shirt underneath. As Blue squirmed, his lover trailed kisses along his jawline. The wrist motion was repeated and the sound came back a third time.

<Ahhhh! Michael stop! Jaime will hear it too!> By now Blue was bright red, pant and clutching the edge of the table for dear life.

<So? Doesn’t affect him like it does you beautiful...>

WHAT THE HELL?!

Pross tossed the pad like it was a pit viper and scooted away as if his ass was on fire. He stared wide eyed at where it landed as if the device would spring to life and assault his vision again. That was the last thing he expected to see on the otherwise helpful pad.

Who gets off on a sound like that? More importantly, why the hell was it playing on the datapad?! That was the weirdest thing he’d ever seen.

“You’re squishing me!” A muffled voice squealed.

In his shock, he totally forgot about Rocket beside him. The girl was now crushed between his back and the arm of the couch. Oh, but not for long. Faster than he could turn his head, the lieutenant found himself propelled forward and flipping over the table. His face bashed into the uncarpeted floor with enough force to stun him briefly.

To Icon’s daughter, the solution to being sandwiched in was simple; switch on her force field and let it turn Newton’s third law (and Pross) on it’s head. So far she was keeping true to the pattern; the boys nearly kill him, the girls just maim him.

“What is wrong with you?!” She hollered.

His response was cut off by snickering that quickly devolved into full blown laughter Someone, two someones were yucking it up right behind her. Robin and Speedy, of course. The lil’ Ginger Demon got Robin to hack into the device and show him that...whatever it was. Evil, evil brats!

WHACK! A pillow hit the two boys in the face.

“Ow! Jeez Rocket the doofus that almost suffocated you is on the floor!” Speedy huffed.

“Because of you two imbeciles!” She huffed in response.

Turns out no nobody was actually asleep anymore. They were rolling up their mats and going back to playing. Well, Jaime was looking around confused. He said something to Superboy who shrugged and walked over to the group by the couch.

“Jaime said heard that special noise his Dad makes with his glove. I heard it too but Uncle Gold’s not here.” Superboy translated.

The high pitched whistle sounded a fourth time and Pross dove for the datapad which had thankfully landed screen down. This was a nightmare. How the hell was he going to explain this to a bunch of kids? Where’s the friggin off switch?! Unsure what else to do, he hurriedly removed the back panel and battery.

“Mi barriga!” Jaime fell over laughing and holding his sides as if someone was ticking him.

“Uncle Gold’s glove makes a sound that tickles Jaime’s tummy.” Robin chirped. “But it makes Uncle Blue’s face turn pink. It’s weird but funny! It’s called sin-ni sin um...”

“Synethesia. Uncle Blue and Gold both have it and so does Lil Blue. It’s different for all of them.” Rocket said before bouncing to her feet. “Who wants to play hide and seek?”

“Me!” Everyone, even the kids on the other side of the room cheered.

“You’re it Pross! Hide!” Speedy called and all of them scattered leaving the man alone on the floor. The last general guide line flashed in his mind like an alarm bell.

/5. One child out of your sight for a short time may be fine. If two or more are missing, you have a problem./

Shit.

*End*

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

Read the Ninja List
or
Hide and Go (BLEEP) Yourself Lt. Pross

Part 1

Pross just sat there. The kids had all sped to who knows where for a game of hide and seek initiated by the antichri- I mean Speedy

Joy.

First things first, consult the manual. He’d been almost killed too many times not to. Replacing the battery and back panel, he searched for what else? Hide and seek. What came up was...unexpected but really shouldn’t have been. Ya know, given the situation.

The Ninja List

While each child is very different, they are easily categorized by their skills when playing this and other games.

Easiest to Find: Lil’ Blue (he’s 2 1/2), Miss Martian (easily bored by hiding and may wander out on her own)
Easiest to Catch-Speed-wise: Artemis (the slowest runner)
Easiest to Catch-With Lure: Kid Flash (use candy at own risk)
Easiest to Catch-After Extended Play: Aqualad (easily overheated or dehydrated)
Hardest to Find: Robin (stealth master); Speedy (same)
Hardest to Catch: Kid Flash (speed wise), Zatanna (can teleport), Superboy (can leap more than 20 ft at a time)
Hardest to Reach: Rocket (can fly), Miss Martian (same), Robin (acrobat and quite comfortable in high places)
Most likely to Maim You if Startled: All
Most Likely to Kill You if Startled: Speedy, Lil Blue, Aqualad, Rocket, Superboy (NOT A JOKE)
Most Likely to Booby Trap the Cave: Speedy, Robin BEWARE

Do use the equipment given to you for your protection. Good Luck.

You will need it.

Once again, Maxwell found himself bewildered by the sheer insanity of his situation. He was about to go looking for 10 children that were all very capable of hospitalizing him by accident. Nevermind the fact that at least one was very actively trying to do just that. What the hell?!

Checking to make sure the armbands were active, he was about to set off when he realized something. They all have trackers in their uniforms, brilliant. At least he’d have some idea of who was around the corner and thus a better chance of surviving the encounter. Oh you naive fool.

Here we go.

After about an hour, he hadn’t caught anyone. Oh he’d found a few of them, and they all got away before he could touch them. The game requires that you actually tag someone before they are, ‘out’. He’d had some interesting encounters though.

Kid Flash was actually snacking on one of his high calorie bars in the kitchen, not even hiding. He saw Pross, waited until the man was a foot away then zoomed off like the freaking roadrunner. Specifically he had left an after image of himself the serviceman’s hand went right through (thought that crap was only possible in Dragon Ball Z and other assorted anime...). Of course it wasn’t going to be that easy.

Zatanna was hiding in a storage closet in the main hallway. He only found her because of the tracker, to hell with not ‘cheating’. The instant he opened the door, she had cried out ‘Tropelet!’ and vanished in a blue puff of smoke and sparkles. Bested again by a child with freakish powers. If the tracker was anything to go on, she’d ended up back in the playroom. The next closest was the little green girl. She was actually...right behind him?

Miss M had camouflaged herself, blending into the friggin wall and simply walked past him as he tried to tag Zatanna. If not for his little helper, Pross would have never noticed until he heard her retreating giggles. Next thing he knew, he was on his ass having been knocked down. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a flash of purple light as Rocket flew by like a firefly from hell.

The first one he caught, surprisingly, was Superboy. But of course, it was no walk in the park. The Boy of Steel was distracted by something shiny glinting on the ceiling. In the weight room, out in the open. That should have been a clue.

“Gotcha Superboy, you’re out.” Pross wasn’t stupid. He made as much noise as he could walking up to him and then told him he was out well before he even touched the boy.

“Aw, I’m out.” he pouted in defeat. Then he stomped his foot, creating a small crack in the floor. “No fair Speedy!”

“Speedy?”

“Yes? (snicker) You called?” The ginger devil poke his head around the door frame with that creepy smile no child should have. He waved a small mirror as he came into full view. Second clue. The third was the fingerless gloved hand flat against the wall...inches from the light switch.

“You won’t-” He glared at the red head. The grin got wider.

“Click!” Speedy simply made the sound of a switch flicking as he turned it off.

The little bastard.

First of all, the half Kryptonian shrieked like a banshee. Second, he whipped his arms out like battering rams. Third, he ran around screaming more in the dark. So, naturally, he failed to notice the brand spankin’ new spherical hole in the wall Pross had been standing beside until the lights came back on.

“Oops.” Superboy skidded to a stop.

OOPS?!

Here’s a fun fact: Energy must be transferred or dispersed but cannot be destroyed. That being said, the armbands Blue Beetle gave him did create a shield at the last second but did nothing to stop him from being blown through the goddamned wall. He nearly got whiplash from the sudden propulsion. He lay dazed for a bit when the white energy field dropped. His senses returned and he noticed he was a good five feet deep into solid rock. Apparently, the force didn’t blast rock outward, it melted it creating a relatively smooth tunnel he observed. Well after the lights came back on.

“He-! You-! I could have died!” He sputtered at the cackling child. Said child was rolling on the ground clutching his sides.

“Nah. Uncle Blue’s toys always work like they’re supposed to. I’m just trying to make you wish you were dead.” He got up, dusting himself off as the caretaker crawled out of the hole and lunged at him. “One down, 9 more to go!” With that he leapt straight up, landed on the man’s back and hauled ass down the hall.

“Um, I’m sorry.” Superboy stared at the ground. “Don’t tell anybody I screamed like a girl. You don’t have to find Megan, she wants to play Uno so...bye!”

Pross just lay there, face down on the tile. With yet another boot print on his back. Him and his unit spent so much time pitying Melrose for whatever FUBAR mission landed him in ICU. They should have given the man a Bronze Star. Living through these hellion for a week (despite the 3 day coma) was being just too stupid to give up once he dug himself into a hole. Which is often mistaken for bravery. Either way, he earned it.

*stop*

Chapter Text

Read the Ninja List
or
Hide and Go (BLEEP) Yourself Lt. Pross
Part 2

It’s never good to wake up in the infirmary.

It’s terrifying not having the slightest clue:

a. how you got there

b. where the children of the scariest people on the planet are...especially if you were supposed to be watching said children.

Maxwell Pross shot up the second he opened his eyes and instantly regretted it. His skull was hosting a big band jamboree and his left arm was numb. So it offered no support, and he tended to roll to that side when waking. Resulting in him flopping over and flailing like a loon not to fall out of the bed. Eventually regaining his balance, his brain came to the above realizations.

Oh god.

Oh god!

Oh GOD!

OH GOD!

He had no idea where the kids were. He lost the kids! Scratch that, he lost the children of:

3 deadly aliens

A meta siren and a sniper with trick arrows

A mad scientist and a guy with a super powered suit

The fastest man alive

A sorcerer

The King of Atlantis

The Dark Knight...THE FRIGGIN BATMAN

At that last thought, Pross began to panic, heart pounding in his chest. He was a dead man and no one would find his body. Any one of those angry parents could make that happen, he was sure of it. But dealing with only one was not an option; he’d have to face them all. Why did he sign on for this insanity?! His family would get the money he ‘earned’, but what would they tell his little brother and his folks? Feh, the League’d probably deny him ever showing up at the Mountain. Or just pull a ghost with his identity period. Holy sh-!

An amused chuckle interrupted his mental breakdown. Behind him was Martian Manhunter and a guy he’d read little about, Mr. Terrific. The guy used to be in the field a lot but he now spent most of his time on their satellite. Both were sharing a knowing look as they watched the normally composed soldier spazz out. Terrific came closer and Pross became curious about what those four silver balls circling him were. Even more so when 3 broke away from their position and buzzed about the Lieutenant like flies. When they stopped, they simply went back to orbiting the hero’s head.

“Well, not much damage. You heal quite fast Lt. Pross, I believe it’s one reason why you were chosen over other candidates.” He said. “Don’t worry, the kids are fine. When Superman found you, you’d only been...incapacitated for less than an hour or so.”

“From what the children told us and the parts collected from surveillance within the mountain, you seem to have been a casualty of booby trap gone awry and unplanned bad luck.” Manhunter added.

Whoa. Back up.

The last thing he remembered was playing hide and seek with the kids; he liked to think those years of seek and destroy missions gave him an edge. It was the same thing just minus the live ammo right? Wrong, same deal only with super powered tykes not machine gun fire. Then Speedy tried to kill him with an achluophobic kryptonian clone. Kid’s a supervillain in the making!

“Well, while you did read the ‘ninja list’ as it has been dubbed, you appear to have underestimated your charges. That and Murphy's Law. The same mistake your predecessor made. On the positive side, you were aided by technology and a superior genetic make up. A normal man would be dead now.” The African-american man was still giving him a small smile. "It's been a few hours."

Was that suppose to be encouraging? Hold it...

“You were chosen in part because of you biology Lieutenant. I’m pretty sure if Melrose was a metahuman, he wouldn’t have had such a short employ with us. But to address the reason for your elevated heart rate and blood pressure, they are all at home with their families at the moment, except for Jaime who-”

BOOOM! A slight tremor coursed through the exam room.

“-is on the Watchtower, waiting for your discharge. Blue and Booster aren’t answering their coms but it’s their anniversary so...” Mr. Terrific coughed. “Would you like to see the video?”

One of the orbs projected a screen, showing him the reason his arm was like a spaghetti noodle.

Connor and Megan were in the distance playing Uno while Kid Flash was once again in the kitchen snacking on a calorie bar. Beside him was Jaime, seated on the floor and stuffing cookies in his mouth. When did the little guy get past him? Eating all that sugar can’t be good either...

The ginger devil appeared just off the left side of the screen. He was whistling to himself, trying to look as innocent as possible as he rocked back and forth on his feet.

“You better stop Jaime from eating so many cookies! He’ll be too full for dinner and too hyper to sleep!” he yelled.

As soon as Rocket flew in, clearly upset she had been caught, Pross watched himself rush behind her.

“Jaime, I don’t think your dads want you eating all that junk-WHAAA!”

His foot graised a tripwire (where the hell had that come from?!), opening a bag of marbles that spilled across the floor in front of him. While not taunt or strong enough to actually trip him itself, the wire’s payload caused him to stumble and slip about like an idiot. Like a cartoon, he pinwheeled his arms as he tried to right himself. Of course, that did squat and he fell hard onto his left arm.

Max didn’t remember that but it obviously isn’t what knocked him out. On the screen, he got up and groaned loudly while Speedy snickered. He glared at the boy only to have him look away and pretend to have nothing to do with his fall. Ignoring that, he proceeded to the kitchen, checking to make sure there were no more lines to trigger on the way.

“Alright, hand over the cookies kiddo.”

“Pero ellos saben bien...” He managed to whine with cheeks stuffed full of chocolate chip cookies. (But they taste good...). Huge puppy dog eyes that could melt a glacier peered up at him.

“Oh boy. I need a translator...Look you can have some after dinner but not now.” Pross felt a rush of air as Kid Flash sped off…then crashed into…something. What that something was remains unknown as it happened off screen. The resulting crash did start a chain reaction though. When the lights went out. Luckily, the camera was on auxillary power.

“Eeek!” That was Rocket.
“Owie!” Zatanna.
“That is my foot! Get off!” Aqualad.
“Smooth move kid idiot!” Artemis.
“Shut up I slipped!” Kid Flash.
“Where is everybody?” Miss Martian.
“Es tan oscuro!” Jaime. (It’s so dark!)
“AHHHHHHHH!”
“Supey chill ou- WHOA!” Robin.
“BWHAHAHAHA!” The Ginger Devil. "Wuh-oh..."
[Threat Detected!]

There was a large commotion that consisted of screaming, flashes of light, and the sound of something exploding followed by swearing on Pross’ part before more noise, a fireball, then silence. The screen remained black for a few moments before the backup lights came on.

The area was a disaster. It tooks some time for the smoke to clear before the scene fully unfolded. 11 bodies were scattered about the destroyed rec room.

Every last child's outfit was ruined. Singed, covered in debris or soot, torn, you name it. Artemis was on the verge of crying but Speedy was holding her gently. Miss Martian, Aqualad and Jaime were motionless, out cold. Superboy sat there furthest away blinking owlishly. Rocket was mad about her hair being dirty. Robin was quiet for a moment before exclaiming:

"That. Was. ASTEROUS!" then giggling like a lunatic.

Zatanna was poking the smoldering form of Maxwell. He was burned a little and completely KOed. Then she began screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Mr. Pross went to heaven like my mommy! WHAHHHH!"

"I don't think he's dead Z, his chest is moving see?" Kid Flash assured her. It didn't stop the water works all the way. She was still sobbing.

The video ended there and Pross turned to the two heroes.

"They're all okay?"

"Yes. Atlantean and Martian physiology does not tolerate intense heat well, even in short bursts. They are both fine now and Jaime has a small bump on his head which knocked him out as well. Once Zatanna heard us say you would be fine, she stopped crying." Manhunter nodded. "The cave has been repaired as well. We are not strangers to restoring such wide scale destruction."

"Don't be too mad at Roy. He did trip you but Wally's lack of control while turning caused the blackout. Not bad for a first day huh?" Terrific chuckled.

This should have been a clear sign of things to come, and why Canada was probably lovely this time of year.

Oh, Pross. This was a GOOD day.

*end*

Chapter Text

Read the Family Histories

or

WTF Do You Mean Ras Al Ghul Wants to See His Grandsons?!

Part I

Military personnel are quite used to early rising. It's a requisite. Hell in basic training you get up at an the ass crack of dawn; get showered, dressed and get your barracks sparkling clean by rushing about like your butt is on fire only to stand in formation and do NOTHING for an hour or so.* So, Pross was no stranger to being fully ready for the day before the sun had the chance to get itself out of bed. He'd lost the need for an alarm clock years ago but brought one just in case. His circadian rhythm was so tuned, he woke up before it went off anyways. He'd even programmed his desk lamp to be on a few minutes before he woke up.

Awakening to a weight on his chest and a set of blue eyes four inches from his face was completely alien to him though. His brain rapidly assessing that the weight was a small child and not an attacker kept him from flinging said baby blues across the room. Barely. Thank god for rigid training.

The kid was not Blue and Gold's child though about the same size. They had short spiky black hair, a black domino mask (evidently, if you get close enough, the color of the wearer's eyes could be discerned; go figure) and was probably male. Dressed in green shorts with a red and yellow top, the boy just glared daggers at him. How long had this kid been in his room? Who the hell was he?

"Er... hey there. Whatcha you doin here lil guy?"

Silence. Glare.

"Okay. Got a name?"

Silence. Harder glare.

"Would you mind getting off my chest so I can sit up?"

The boy remained silent. He tensed, then turned his head towards the door a split second later, clenching his tiny hands. Was he hiding from someone? Looks a little frustrated--

WHAM!

The sensation of a small fist colliding with his sternum startled the hell out of Pross. Not because the child hit him. Oh no. Because the feeling was identical to sparring with a bare knuckle boxer and being stupid enough to leave your chest exposed. With such a smooth motion, they kid's left arm jackhammered straight down and was sure to leave a bruise at least.

"Gah! Jesus Christ kid!" he groaned. The little terror slid onto the bed just as the man rolled over rubbing his chest. So, the lieutenant was not expecting a tiny foot to kick him in the lower back as he turned using his momentum to send him over the other side.

"Get up." Was the demand issued and the little brute was gone before the lieutenant scrambled off the floor. Now rather concerned, and definitely wide awake, Max set out to find the boy. Not long after beginning to search, shouts drew him to the central area of the complex.

"Stop being a crybaby Drake!"

"Quit being mean to Timmy!"

"Shut it Grayson!"

"Stop shoving!"

"Grrrr! That's it!"

The sound of tussling grew louder as Pross approached the rec room. What he saw there was...um...

Three boys, all spitting images of each other. Two dressed in Robin costumes (One favoring red, green and yellow, the other red, black and yellow) and a third with what looked like a set of futuristic red and black Raybans dressed like a biker. They were fighting on the floor as a silver topped man in a butler outfit wearing a domino mask looked on with slight disinterest from the kitchen area. Actually, it seemed as if he were ignoring them in favor of glancing at a list ever so often and rummaging around in one of four backpacks on the counter. Only briefly did his eyes wander to the boys. Holding on to his coat tails was that mystery brat. Now sucking his thumb but still glaring at Pross. How does that happen with a mask on?!

"Young Masters, what are the rules for family day visits?" The butler asked without looking up. Instantly, the trio froze at the authority hidden in the soft British accent.

"Um, no fighting? But we haven't left yet and they're being wimps!" Raybans huffed. "They started it!"

"I was referring to the number of volatile compounds and weapons in your back packs." Masked Butler, as Pross mentally labeled him, continued unphased.

"Grampa's gonna show us how to make all kinds of explosives today." One Robin said. He looked like the one that he's regularly seen for the past few days.

"Mama wants us to show her our combat skills too." The other Robin said eagerly.

"If they are successful in bringing the necessary items to Everlie, which I doubt they will be, I'm sure your father would have no objections. However, the burden falls on Mr. and Miss Al Ghul to do so not you. The Lady has prohibited such things in her realm."

"Awww..."

Al Ghul? Could he mean...? Nah...

'Remember where you are dope.' His mental voice urged. 'Dismiss nothing!'

"Ah, Good Morning Lt. Pross." Masked Butler greeted. "From the sore spot you seem to be nursing, I see you recieved one of Master Damian's wake up calls. Now I know where he went when we arrived."

"Er..." 'Very intelligent response' Mental Pross rolled his eyes.

"Hmm. I was assured that over priced PDA would have notified you of the importance of today. Or one of the children would have. In any case, I am known as Agent A, butler to the Bat-Family. You already know of one of the triplets, Master Robin. His brothers are Red Robin and Red Hood. Damian is the youngest. Usually three of them remain at the manor with myself as the League felt it unfair to unleash all four horsemen upon you at once. However today is Family Day and you will have fewer charges than the norm." The older man mused. " There other children and your...assistants for the day will arrive around 07:30.I suggest you use the next few hours understanding the significance of this event. And perhaps put on a pair of trousers."

Pross was a bit embarrassed to realize he was standing shirtless in his boxers. Satisfied that there wasn't some random freakishly strong child running about the Mountain (freakishly strong yes, random not so much) though our favorite military man went to get himself together. It was 5:34, plenty of time; he could afford to take his time before reading more of 'The Manual'. A nice long hot shower to soothe the bruises forming in the center of his chest and lower back was the first order of business. Next he dressed in his VMI tee shirt and a pair of tanned cargo pants. With his life saving suit underneath, armbands like gauntlets around his wrists. While brushing his teeth, he scrolled to the calendar on his datapad and selected the link for today.

Family Day

Many children of League members have dubious origins; some are the biological offspring of some of the world's most notorious villains. However, we are not in the habit of denying a child time with their family...so long as there is an understanding on the part of all parties that violence and deceptive or aggressive behavior will not be tolerated. The ability to chose their own paths in life is a right granted to all. For this reason, every Sunday this summer will be Family Day. The children will spend the entire day with their non custodial parent(s) under the supervision of a League appointed chaperone as ordered by the domestic courts.

Family Days are to occur within the Realm of Everlie; a dimension ruled by a powerful sorceress named Lady Aurii. As a favor to the League, she has agreed to host these events in order to ensure no acts of subversion or abduction attempts happen. All potentially dangerous items are subject to her approval before being allowed pass through the barrier. The Justice League, The Light, and League of Shadows and and any or all affiliates have no jurisdiction whatsoever in Everlie and recognize disregard for the terms of this truce may lead to severe punishment, possibly death.

Artemis

Her birth parents are the retired Huntress and the not so retired Sportsmaster. Unable to care for her after their divorce, she gave her youngest daughter up for adoption; their older child, Cheshire, had already chosen to be with her father. Both parents and Cheshire are apart of each Family Day.

Aqualad

Black Manta is his birth father and mortal enemy of Aquaman. Kaldur's mother, a close friend of Queen Mera, died in labor but named Mera his Godmother before passing. As Manta was not in Atlantis at the time, Kaldur has been raised as the Prince of Atlantis since.

Superboy

Genetically, Superboy is the son of Lex Luthor, Superman and Lois Lane. Luther has been apart of the clone's life since 'birth' much to his parent's chagrin.

Robin, Red Hood, Red Robin and Damian

The most complicated history. The first three boys are the exact same age, down to the day but are not technically related, despite how similar they look. They were all adopted by Batman but Damian (same birthday only younger) is the son of Batman and Talia Al Ghul, Ras Al Ghul's daughter by birth. She considers all four her sons and by extension Ras their Grandfather.

Pross first did a double take, just staring at the document with his toothbrush hanging in his mouth. Robin has brothers all born on the same day but not related. Okay... odd but not really that bad...

Who the hell shares custody of innocent (debatable) little kids with a bunch of wackadoodles? They expected him to be in the same 100 ft radius as some of the worst supervillains in the world?! WTF?!

Oh this was sure to be the most interesting day of his life. So far.

*line break*

Chapter Text

Read the Family Histories

Or

WTF Do Yo Mean Ra's al Ghul Wants to See his Grandkids?! Part II

After getting dressed Pross returned to the playroom to observe the boys...and Agent A. What he found was surprising.

Red Hood was a lil psycho, though it was a toss up as to whether or not it was preferable to Speedy's brand of crazy. Rude as hell and picking fights with his brothers just for the hell of it , violence seemed to be his method of expression. He was also a pyro; demonstrating this by disposing of several 'contraband' items taken from his backpack with a goddamned flame thrower. Once again, who gives this shit to a child?! Just as urgent, where was he hiding said flame thrower?..

Red robin was the polar opposite. He seemed timid and quiet. Well mannered, respectful and just a tad hyper; he conveyed an 'I'm cute and sweet, therefore harmless' vibe. And every fiber of the marine's being railed against that feeling. This boy lived with Batman, harmless was NOT a quality assigned to the Batclan. Prime example: Batgirl.

Robin seemed a weird combo of the two. Pretty sweet but kinda nutty. He played the part of mediator in their scuffles but they seemed to devolve onto brawls often. Curious and precocious. A horrible set of traits for a master hacker/ninja.

He was informed that Damien rarely spoke...with words. A toddler had mastered the Batglare and was disproportionately strong for his size. At the moment that was all he really knew of the little demon. He imagined it would go downhill from there though.

Agent A was most likely the world's deadliest manservant. Nothing these children did fazed the elderly British man. When Red Hood whipped out his 'toy' all the butler did was calmly announce, "You may wish to move." Seconds later the counter containing the weapons Pross leaned in to inspect was on fire. At about the same time Damien and Red Robin (who were in the rafters with Robin) lost their footing letting out two panicked shrieks. With the grace and speed of a cheetah Agent A vaulted over the flaming counter with a flying leap to snag one child with each hand.

"Do be more careful Master Tim. Master Damien."

"Sorry." Both looked at their feet once he set them down.

"Quite. Master Jason-" The sprinkler system went off over the kitchenette soaking Red Hood, Pross and the burning counter at that exact moment.

“Blegh!” The boy sputtered indignantly. Robin and Red Robin cracked up. Damien made a noise that sounded something like ‘nyah, nyah’.

“Figures.” Pross rolled his eyes as he was doused.

"-you are familiar with the broom closet. I expect that area to be thoroughly cleaned before departure."

"(sigh) Yessir." The Ray Ban wearing boy grumbled as he turned to towards the cleaning supply room.

Maxwell just stared. What. The. Hell. Would anything about these people make sense? He could barely pull off that move so how did a guy pushing 70 (at least) do it without breaking a sweat?! The gun holster under his suit jacket didn't help the image either.

"I was an intelligence agent to the crown in my younger days if you are wondering Lt. Pross. Then spent 25 rather peaceful years watching Batman grow up. Expected to keep up the traditions of my forefathers and all that. I do rather enjoy how this family helps me maintain those skills though. My youth as well." The butler chuckled at the young man's expression.

Recognized Supergirl, Recognized Batgirl, Recognized Superboy

"Real convenient cousin Kal can't drop the lil spore off." A tall blond teen rockin the Man of Steel's color scheme huffed as she appeared in a flash of light.

"Kara I think you got played. Uncle B promised me a Benz if I helped keep the 4H from killing the new nanny." A redhead in a bat themed costume sighed, walking in behind her. "I got it in legally binding writing before I showed up. Beats busting my ass in a mailroom all summer to save up peanuts for a hoopty. But you can fly and run like hell so that bribe wouldn't work on you."

"So lying to me is okay?"

"Actually Cousin Kara, Dad didn't lie. Batman called our house this morning." Superboy yawned rubbing his eyes. "But mom did yell at him about being as...asignine. She knew you'd be mad."

Ah, out of the mouths of babes. Always as subtle as a flying mallet.

"Think you mean 'asinine' kiddo." Batgirl sighed. "Supes knows you can't stand Luthor."

"Would you wanna be around a guy who wants to keep you in a display case like a doll?"

Batgirl cringed at that, recalling some past horror. She looked down to see Superboy tugging both their capes. His expression was irritated.

"I’m still here." Connor huffed. “My father isn’t that bad.”

“Your ‘father’ is a megalomaniac cuz.” Supergirl crossed her arms.

“Hey! Mom used that word too! What’s it meeeean?” The Boy of Steel whined.

Awesome. Not only does Superman have a cousin, she’s angry at being here. Her friend only seems to care about her pay off. How was this gonna work out for him?Pross didn’t really have time to wonder. The two blurs that ran out of the Zeta tube bowled him over before he could ask.

Chapter Text

Read the Family History

or

WTF Do You Mean Ras Al Ghul Wants to See His Grandkids?!

Part III

How often am I going to be hit with things? Pross groaned as he sat up, havin been run over by a blonde streak and a red streak. He didn’t even hear the Zeta beam announcing their arrival. Or of their chaperone.

“OMG I am so angry at him!” I vaguely valley girl voice huffed.

“Star what’s wrong?” Supergirl turned to the new girl.

“He is so arivating. First he stands me up, then he gives me flowers with the wrong name on them to apologize. Oh and here’s the kicker, STRIPE found out we were dating and blew a gasket because he called at like 1:30 this morning. Mama thinks it’s sweet but daddy totally flipped out.” Another blonde who looked like she was wrapped in an American flag exploded

“Star, um, your BF is kinda not a good guy...” Batgirl drawled. “What did you expect?”

“Oh Babs we’re meant to be, I know it. He’ just...”

“A pyscho?” Supergirl finished. “Wealthy guy runs away to be the techie for hire to hoods and thugs...likes it when things go boom...experimented on himself...should I go on?”

“You guys only know him for his profession, but he’s really a nice guy outta his criminal persona.” Stargirl sighed.

Okay...Stargirl, stepdaughter of the warmachine known as STRIPE (too lazy for the periods, imagine them each time), is dating a villian apparently. I guess it’s harder to control a superteen than a regular one. Pross picked himself up and spotted the two blurs that had run him over. Artemis was bouncing around excitedly, and Speedy was glaring daggers at Red Hood. Who Pross assumed was returning the deadly stare with gusto, the shades weren’t as telling a mask. Were they seriously gonna leave him with two pint sized headcases?

“I’m gonna get you for this Todd.” Speedy growled.

“Next time don’t get caught Harper.” Red Hood grinned.

“Getting caught and getting ratted out are two different things you little freak.”

“Master Harper, come along.” Agent A spoke as he gathered the few items Red Hood managed not to singe. “We have an invigorating day of housekeeping to begin.”

The young archer had no time to protest as he was grabbed by the ear and lead to the zeta beam transport.

“Bye-bye big brother! I’ll tell Jade you said hi!” Artemis chirped as the duo teleported away..

“Cheshire and Speedy sittin’ in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N- ow! Dammit Snaggle-tooth!” Red hopped around on the leg Artemis didn’t stab with her boot knife.

“Shut it meanie!”

Whelp, that ‘cute but crazy’ thing seems to run in the family...

“What Roy did was bad but you were just mean!” Red Robin frowned.

“Oh shut up tattletale! You run your mouth on me all the time.”

“Yeah because your pranks tend to end in grievous bodily injury...or death Hood.” Batgirl sighed.

Wait...WHAT?!

“Oh come on! I killed 3 criminals by accident! It could happen to anyone. Speedy ftuck that lady and her husband full arrows. I know they died too.” The SEVEN year old waved dismissively.

“In self defense. You got trigger happy on the Penguin’s goons, that was last year. You beheaded Punch and Judy with an AK47 last month. Joker’s kinda scared of you now.” Batgirl leveled him with a stare.

“Doesn’t count! I’m the only one who can torture Grayson and Timmy! Dad said so!” He stomped his foot. “Stupid clowns shoulda kept their mitts off, they’re mine!”

Oh...my...god...

I’m 10 feet away from a first grader who killed without remorse. And was disturbingly possessive of his ‘brothers’. The Dark Knight approves?! It’s official, Batman is the Boogieman.

“Anyhoo, sorry I’m late. Speedy didn’t wanna come obviously and Artemis wanted to get the present she made for her mom before we left-” Stargirl started to speak before her phone began to play the first few bars of “This is Halloween”.

//Sorry baby. I shoulda checked the flower card after stole the bouquet...who’s that spaz in the fatigues?//

She giggled at the text as Supergirl read it aloud.

“Uh, he can see me?” Pross blinked a little weirded out. He looked around warily, half expecting him to materialize out of thin air.

“Oh yeah. He’s a big tech geek...and kinda paranoid. He tends to hack into stuff for fun. He’s watching the kids, not me Doll. He’s the guy we’re sorta supposed to keep alive.”  She spoke into her talk to text feature.

Before the lieutenant had time to question that new info, Aquaman appeared from the transporter. The Atlantian looked behind him and sighed, Kaldur had not followed him apparently. Without a word he went back into the beam, reappearing a moment later holding the dark skinned child under his arm like a football. His arms were crossed over his chest, face set in a scowl. If Red Hood and Speedy's glares were unnerving, Aqualad's was downright murderous.

"Kaldur this behavior is not becoming of a prince. Is the tantrum necessary each time?" The older blond sighed.

"I have no desire to see that man father. He is dishonorable, disgraceful and overall despicable. I would sooner pluck out my own eyes than willingly go to him." The normally calm and cool boy seethed with rage.

"He is your biological father my son." The water hero looked exasperated.

"Technically so are you. I fail to see your point."

While the two of them argued, Batgirl walked over fiddling with a small crystalline puzzle shaped like a pyramid. Without looking up she began to talk to him.

"Just relax. You're probably in no danger on this trip we're just helping out til the League thinks you're okay on your own with so many villains. Lady Aurii's pretty nice and she doesn't tolerate BS. Her kids are another matter but that's a headache for another day. Okay guys huddle up!"

The red head clicked the last piece in place and an dome of aurora like energy appeared in the cave and slowly began to descend upon the group. Prose didn't fail to notice how Aquaman artfully lept out of the dome's reach while pretty much flinging a disgruntled Aqualad at Supergirl. She caught him, unaffected by the burst of electricity from the startled kid.

“Have fun!” The interior of the cave vanished as the dome closed but the man’s voice was clearly strained.

“Of all the underhanded-!”

Kaldur’s angry retort was cut off by what sounded alot like glass shattering then being sucked up into a tube. A bright flash later, Aquaman, now alone, breathed out in relief.

*End*

Chapter Text

H

Read the Family Histories

or

WTF Do You Mean Ras Al Ghul Wants to See His Grandsons?!

Part IV

When the bizarre ass noise stopped, Pross stumbled forward and blinked at the ground under his feet. Not tile but polished white marble decorated with arrays made of circles, star points and crescent moons. They had been transported outside, a lush tropical forest surrounding the patterned platform on which they stood.

“Welcome to Everlie” Batgirl spoke from the raises altar she stood on. The kids all cheered and hauled ass towards the stairs. Except for Aqualad who stood right beside Supergirl like an angry statue. Without so much as a ‘by your leave’ she picked up the water child by the back of his shirt and glided past the others. She looked just as...upset...about their new location but  acted a bit more maturely about the situation. The soon she gets there, the sooner it’s over I guess.

Four rugrats ran right to the bottom on the stairway. And one was bounced back by an angry red glow. The two teens who remain in the platform with Pross rolled their eyes, Stargirl going back to texting her boyfriend as Batgirls strode forward.

“What?” Red Hood looked up at her from his place on the ground, attempting to seem innocent. The red head glared down at him.

“Empty. The. Pocket.” She growled. “I am not explaining to Uncle B why one of his kids isn’t coming home today.”

“I ain’t got nothin!” He hopped up and turned his many pockets inside out. Returning the glare as if he had no idea what she was talking about.

BAM! She punched him  in the back of the head.

“Ouch! Seriously?! I’m just a lil’ kid you brute!” He  rubbed the sore spot, managing a few crocodile tears.

“Lame try. You’re a deadly assassin masquerading as a little kid. Empty it before Lady Aurii gets here or we’re all in trouble you brat!”

What happened next was...weird. Even for all the crap he’d seen so far. The Rayban wearing little psycho put his left hand behind his back casually. But once he withdrew it--

He was holding  a tommy gun.  A bona fide 1920’s tommygun. Complete with full clip.

“I know that’s not it.” His cousin tapped her foot impatiently. Sighing he began producing weapons from thin air.

A crossbow.

A beretta.

Some sort of ray gun.

A bazooka.

4 no 5 grenades.

A much more current model of machine gun.

And lastly, about 400 rounds of ammo..

“Honestly Jason, are mama’s rules that complicated that your peabrain can’t remember them?” The voice was young. Yet carried such a malicious undertone, the Lieutenant shivered. Son of a bit--!

Pross looked up to see a little boy hanging by the back of his knees from a tree that loomed over the platform. Well, he looked more like a ghost. Short snow white hair that was spiked up like he’d been shocked, liquid paper skin that seemed to glow...creepy violet eyes. His silver top was more like a toga that stopped at his waist but for some reason did not fall down over his face. Plain black pants of some rather shiny material covered his legs.

“Shut it Gabriel. Not all of us have magic powers.” Jason huffed as he stomped down the stairs without setting off the barrier again.

“That hammerspace thingy is kinda magical.” Another,sweet voice giggled. It sounded really close to him. “For a human.”

Pross turned around only to jump back in suprise. Two huge golden eyes were barely half a foot away from his face. They were part of a cherubic cafe au lait toned face framed with a plethora of long ebony ropes of hair. The strange girl wore a simple white sundress and no shoes. And she was floating...

“Hey Sylphine, Gabriel.” Batgirl waved. “Where’s your mom?”

“Um...cleaning up a mess.” Sylphine  lowered herself to the ground, twirling a braid on her finger before a bright flash and she vanished.

“That we were totally justified in making.” Gabriel shimmered out of sight as well.

Well that wasn’t creepy at all.

Wait, back up. Hammerspace? And those had to be Lady Aurii’s kids right?

As if sensing his confusion, the datapad pinged. Which probably had something to do with the microchip Blue Beetle had stabbed into the base of his brain.

Hammerspace

Though extensively studied, this phenomena is mostly unknown in origin or exact nature. What is known is that it is the ability to access a subspace pocket that exists around one’s person. However, only those with non meta abilities seem capable of the feat with only one known exception: A young Bang Baby known as Gear (See Dakota Heroes and Villains). The trend seems to exist primarily among gotham villains (most notable Harley Quinn. Her preference to pulling large wooden mallets or hammers from said space giving the phenomena it’s name.) though a handful of heroes (once again mainly based in Gotham) are able to as well. This includes the entire Batclan, The Question, Green Arrow, Speedy, Artemis and Mr. Terrific to name a few.

The size and depth of this pocket seems limitless as recently demonstrated by Speedy hiding the Batmobile within his after wrecking it on a joyride.

O...K...?

Joy. Turns out both headcases are way more lethal than they seemed at first glance. They could stuff a tank in there with no problem! Well, now he knew why Roy was in trouble.

Everlie

The magical realm ruled by the powerful sorceress Lady Aurii. As a favor for helping her retrieve her children (See CADMUS; BlockBuster), this serves a a meeting ground for Family Day. Though each child appears 10 years old, they are both as old as the Sol star system.

Her daughter Sylphine is a sweet and kindhearted young witch fond of rainbows and butterflies with a vengeful streak a mile wide. This is not improved by the fact that she is close friends with Klarion the Witchboy (See The Light) to the point that she can convince him to do anything she wants. Klarion is also fond of giving her the hearts of those who cross her as gifts. Which she gladly accepts as his method does not kill the victim rather gives the holder complete control over them. Making them her living dolls to torture. (Yes, I totally stole this idea from Once Upon a Time; I like it ;P). Her item of power is delicate looking gold folding fan.

Her twin brother Gabriel (it is a mystery as to why they look so different to the League as well) is more up front with his cruelty. He doesn’t like Artemis because they both seem rather interested Kid Flash and often plays tricks on her; and by extension Jade who tries to defend her sister. Lady Aurii discourages this behavior but he seems to always find a way to defy her. Gabriel is rather apathetic to most everyone but his family. He and Klarion also do not get along but the reason is not known. The two of them often have knock down, drag out battles complete with spell casting until one manages to render the other unconscious. Sylphine does not interfere but does heal the loser. His item of power is a paper and bamboo umbrella.

Looks are extremely deceiving. Use caution.

SERIOUSLY?!

“I know it seems like a lot to take in but my dears are rather sweet once you get to know them as the girls have.”

Suddenly, they were all standing in a large room lit with candles and covered in plants. On one side were the villains (or ex-villainess in Huntress’ case) and the other the super teens. The children, in the middle were pointing and laughing at something he could not see.

A very tall woman clad in a flowing black gown was smiling at him. Her skin was a light blue color, her hair cotton candy pink, bowl cut and sparkly. Her eyes were pure white, no pupil at all. Still, she did not look very menacing. In fact, she looked very warm and inviting.

“I did not wish to alarm you but was unable to reverse the damage done completely before your arrival so it cannot be helped. The one called Vandal Savage seems to have forgotten that after the kidnapping incident, he is not welcome here. He is for all intents dead at the moment thanks to my twins though Gabriel was quite right. Rather amusing as he is supposed to be an immortal.”

When the children moved to greet their families, Pross saw it. On the pristine white floor was a puddle. Floating in that puddle were a black suit, bones, a ponytail and two eyes.

Yech....

Great, more children with horrifying abilities...

*end*

Chapter Text

The next arc of the story will focus on many of the various playmates of the wee!YJ crew...and how chaos descends when Child Protective Services butts in. I wanna have a zoo of friends for the kids but I need some help. So far I have:

Actual DCverse characters chibified

Kyle Rainer- A Green Lantern

James Jesse- Trickster

Hartley Rathaway- Pied Piper

Querl Dox- Braniac 5

Joseph William Wilson- Jericho

Rose Wilson- Ravager

Klarion Bleak- Karion the Witchboy

Cameron Mahkent- Icicle Jr.

*Some (a lot) of the Static Shock characters were created soley for the show (Or were totaly different people in the DCU). Thus do not have thourogh backgrounds... or even real names. Making them fair game to screw with*

Virgil Hawkins- Static Shock

Richard Foley- Gear

Francis Stone- Hotstreak

Jae-Sung Sahng/ Jason Song- Shiv (totally did that on purpose just cuz)

Necahual “Necca” Martinez- Guillotina (never in the show)

Head Cannon

Trixie Napier- Queen of Hearts (Daughter of Harley and the Joker)

Trixie is 9 years old and loves to dance. Though not (yet) as off kilter as her parents and older brother, she does like pretty things and has no problem doing whatever she has to to take what she wants. At 7 she fought Bane because one of the safe deposit boxes he cleaned out in a robbery contained a tiara she’d seen in the newspaper and convinced her folks to let her steal. Bane got there first and was only looking to make quick cash. Angry, she screamed “Off with his head!” while swinging the heart shaped axe her daddy gave her for her big debut. The only thing that saved his neck was the height difference, instead receiving a nasty gash across his chest. Then the buttcap of the staff to the crotch.

She looks exactly like her mother except for the stripe of bright green hair on the left side of her face. Her costume is princess style red dress covered in large black hearts and stops at her knees. She has black pumps and wears the gold and ruby tiara she beat Bane up for. Like Damian,  she is disproportionately strong for her size; her axe is a foot taller than her and weighs about as much as she does but she waves it around like a feather. Due to the Smilex chemicals naturally in her body, she is immune to many poisons.

She doesn’t like bats (they scare her witless) and her closest (hero) friend is Artemis.

Cain Napier- Ace of Spades (Son of Harley and the Joker)

Cain is 12, and is very much his daddy’s boy. He likes to cause chaos whenever he can and specializes in traps. His favorite weapon is a pocket knife his mother gave him (“So you can be jus like my Puddin’!”) that he has the weird ability to throw but always returns to his hand no matter what. He scares the Gotham police who usually just watch him walk away from crime scenes. His father lets him torture henchmen who don’t quite measure up.

Cain looks like his father...before the accident. His hair is black with green highlights and his eyes are brown. His face is painted like his mother’s and his wardrobe is similar to the Crow. He has a purple motorbike he calls Sally Ride. Ace also has a crush on Nightshade and is spurred on by the fact that the Smilex in his system makes him immune to the red head’s poisonous biochemistry.

In order to take care of their children properly, the Clown Prince of Crime and his henchwench make sure both are never in Arkham (or Belle Reve) at the same time.

Belladonna Isley- Nightshade (Son of Poison Ivy...and Batman)

Belladonna is a boy, born two years ago in the body of a ten year old. However, he feel more comfortable as a girl. His mother created him using her DNA and that of a stable male...Batman  (which he is unaware of and will totally become a HUGE issue soon). While it wasn’t her intention to create a boy, she doesn’t love him any less. Bella is just as brilliant and toxic as his mother; his skin is full of chlorophyll,  lips are poisonous and shaking his hair releases a pollen that either induces hallucinations or persuasion. He enjoys  cooking, reading and using The Green to speak with and control flora. Bella is a quiet, shy child who is somewhat unnerved by Ace’s infatuation with him; he’s not sure if Ace of Spades knows he’s not a girl. Though he’d rather be alone most of the time, he is good friends with Aqualad due to their common concern for the environment.

Bella appears to be a carbon copy of his mother as a child which helps fuel confusion about his gender. He wears an ivy green leotard with a forest greenleaf print sarong and leggings.  Most often, he is barefoot. He spends a lot of time with his Auntie Selina when his mother is out and about or locked up in Arkham. He is not quite as enthusiastic about knocking mankind off the top to the food chain but has been known to punish those he sees as hurting mother nature.

But am open to others and have a few suprises too.. If you’re interested, submit a short profile of a character (cannon or no) and send it to me. Not everybody will show up at the same time but the ones I mentioned will definitely be in the next arc. The first chapter of which will be ‘Don’t Read Too Much Into This or Kyle Has Two Daddies...But NOT Like Jaime’. Let’s go!

Chapter 11

Read the Family Histories

or

WTF Do You Mean Ras Al Ghul Wants to See His Grandsons?!

Part V

The puddle of human being on the ground was...unsettling. What exactly had Sylphine and Gabriel done? And why can’t their mother fix it? Pross stared at the liquid man as (most of) the children greeted their parents.

Artemis babbled away at Mach 2 in Vietnamese to her mother, causing the older woman to laugh. Her sister smiled at the blonde’s excitement. Sportsmaster, however, stood off to the side, glaring holes into the wall. He didn’t look all that happy to be there. Didn’t he wanna see his daughter?

“Papa! Papa! Look what I made for you!” A polished wooden stick was shoved in his face. Once his eyes uncrossed, he could see that it was a hockey stick.

“Um...thanks lil Alice.” He took the object, not really sure what was so special. He had a million of these things.

“Twist there!” She pointed at the point where there were two lines of paint in the middle of the stick, twisting it before he could. The crooked end widened and gained razor sharp blades around the edges.

“You made this yourself?” He grinned.

“Yup! Speedy showed me how to use the solder thingy and I borrowed the twisty part of Daddy’s arrows but I made it on my own!”

Um, don’t these kids have normal toys?! Who lets a child make a deadly weapon in her spare time? It’s possible Green Arrow and Black Canary didn’t know about the project. And her big brother is a future serial killer...

“This one’s for Mama.” She showed her mother a box. Inside was a hot pink keychain flashlight. But, Paula (and Pross) knew better.

“What does it do sweety?”

“It shocks somebody!” That gap tooth grin shined through. “Uncle Blue helped me make it for you. Its can also call for help if you’re in trouble.”

“How sweet. Thank you Artemis.” She hugged the little girl as she climbed into her lap.

Pross’ eye twitched. Of course the mad scientist gives a god damn taser to a seven year old. Of course no one (hero or villain) sees the flaw in such logic. These people are all insane! Turning his attention to Aqualad only strengthened that notion.

Black Manta, without his helmet, was attempting to converse with a very angry looking Aqualad. Yeah...it wasn’t going well.

“So, Kaldur'ahm, how have you been?”

“I was just fine until father forced me here, again. Still trying to kill him I presume?” Crossing his arms, he glared at the man who just sighed.

“Well, we are mortal enemies son-”

“Do not call me that! You are NOT my father. I don’t care what that idiotic test says.”

“We’ve been over this Kaldur. Your mother and I loved each other very much and from that love you were born.”

“Really?” A blonde eyebrow raised in haughty derision. “I am nine, not four. Your definition of love is somewhat subjective, as I am fairly certain it was not strong enough for you to be there the day I came into this world. And my mother left it.”

The older man fought hard to hide his shock. So did Pross. Nine years old yet already bitter and hateful towards his absentee father. Didn’t that kind of emotional baggage usually make itself known in the teenage years? He sorta respected the young Atlantean more than he already had for being able to express himself in such reserved language. What child talks that way anyhow?

“Yet another wonderful visit...” The man sighed as his biological walked towards a the man puddle and poked an eyeball with his toe.

First, ew.

Second...did it just blink? HOW?! No eyelids--

BOOOM!

“Asterous! It worked!”

“Only the 4H...” Batgirl sighed. “I apologize My Lady, Agent A thought he’d confiscated everything-”

“No worries dear. I’d forgotten simple things like ammonia and iodine react so violently together so naturally they did not trigger the barrier, You live and learn.” The sorceress smiled brilliantly; her white eyes twinkling. “Lt. Pross, be a dear and help me get this poor creature back to himself.”

“Wha?”

That sounded intelligent Pross.

“Up...sure? What should I do?” He recovered after a beat.

“Stand there and look adorable.”

Two seconds later, the marine found himself engulfed in the liquid and solids that were once Vandal Savage.

/Fuck my life.../

*end*

Chapter Text

*WDNRTM*

This day started off on the wrong damn foot anyhow. Let us review.

Have sternum probably cracked by pint sized dynamo.

Check.

Be introduced to the rest of a group of boys whose collective nickname is the 4H...The 4 Horseman (of the Apocalypse), for good reason.

Check.

Meet a surreally dignified (and mind-bendingly spry) elderly Brit who could probably kill a man 8 different ways while serving tea and biscuits at the same damn time.

Check

Listen as Brit hints at then read for yourself the scary origins of several of your charges (which somehow doesn’t include the Ginger Devil) and the ritual that is Family Day.

Check.

Add one duped female Kryptonian with no qualms about showing how unhappy she is, one Gothamite who (somehow) trapped “The God Damned” Batman in a iron clad contract over a luxury car and one spacey blond with a creepy ass spying boyfriend and a stepfather whose work clothes are a war machine.

Check.

Discover terrifying fact that small, already lethal children have access to large, mostly unknown, hella deadly physics anomaly. Just like every nutjob in Gotham; yet that notion is some how less disturbing than the former.

Check.

Learn about more cute but crazy dangerous tykes whose mother happens to be ruler of a whole dimension.

Check.

Let the mother in question turn you into a cinnamon shaving bobbing about in a gooey human frap. Well, you don’t exactly let a goddess do anything. She just does it.

Check.

So now...

/The time is...half past the monkey’s ass...and a quarter...to his balls./ a robotic female voice came to mind. Too much experience with his s4' talk function he supposed.

Seriously fuck his life. This was officially insane to the Nth power. How could so much impossible crap happen in the span of 3 hours?! Why was this shit happening to him?! Where the fuck was he now?!

Where...were this guy’s clothes?

Floating in this void, ranting to himself, it previously escaped Pross’ notice that he wasn’t alone.

“Why are you naked man?!”

“Why are you?” Was the bored response.

The rather imposing man floated nearby as if drifting naked as a jaybird in a space with no real up or down won’t no thang. Tall with black hair and a strong jaw, this guy had a set of scars across his face like some clawed beast had taken a swipe at him long ago. Arms folded, he returned the marine’s incredulous stare with an unperturbed one of his own. Pross dared to look down at himself.

And couldn’t figure out why there was no draft as his twig and berries bobbed in the atmosphere. The natural response was to cover himself and look away. Unfortunately it wasn’t before damaging his own a self esteem. This guy was hung like a horse.

“Wait...You’re Vandal Savage. Just two seconds ago you were a puddle on the ground. What is this place?”

“Lady Aurii refers to it as the Ether. It’s a wasteland between existence and oblivion. Don’t look so surprised, it loses it’s charm after the third or fourth visit.” Savage scoffed. "Right now, she is using your body as a template for reconstructing my own. A refreshing change to use a meta male instead of my regular associates."

That’s the second time someone has called him a meta. Didn't Mr. Terrific say that was a factor in him getting hired?

Hold it.

"This has happened to you before?"

"Yes. Roughly once a month."

"...why?" The hesitation came from knowing the answer would probably be out there.

"Gabriel and Sylphine are simply not used to the presence of a man attempting to court their mother." Savage spoke with a strange combination of pride and detachment. His face remained blank but the serviceman could clearly see a spark of...something dancing in the man's eyes.

What?!

Super evil member of the Light trying to woo a woman who was a single mother. Not bad until you heap in what her brats were capable of and the fact that they seem to hate Savages’ guts. As well as the ruling a dimension probably required Lady Aurii to have a high level of badassery herself despite her ethereal looks and that sweet smile. Then it became a rolling dumpster fire.

“You seem surprised by this. Don’t think a devil such as myself deserve her?”

“I have absolutely no opinion on the matter.” Came the bland response. Even though he personally didn’t think it was a question of deserving so much as a question of sanity and probability of grievous bodily harm. By this point, he didn’t put anything past chance. “How long does this take?”

“The restoration process is fairly brief. Though perhaps you may be able to assist me later...You’re the new, ah, caretaker for the Justice League Menagerie yes?”

“Um, yeah. Why?”

/I don’t like this./

“Hmm...you survived longer than the other one too.” Rubbing his chin, Savage looked the marine up and down. “You must be indestructible.”

/Really don’t like the way he’s looking at me./

“You’re going to give me the chance to be alone with my lady love.”

/Crap./

“And just how is that?”

“Why by volunteering to supervise a playdate. Those two have several little friends outside the group you’ve been watching. Many are friends with your charges. They rarely get to socialize.”

So basically, The 4H, The Ginger Devil, Kid Flash, Superboy, Rocket, Miss Martian, Aqualad, Zatanna, Artemis, and possibly Lil Blue. Plus, little miss sunshine, her eerie brother and whoever else’s parents thought letting their kids hang out with the group actively trying to take over the world was perfectly acceptable.

/Fuck that./

“That’s a whole lot of nope.”

“And what gave you the impression that I was asking you my good man?” The villain's lip curled back into a smug smirk. He suddenly looked a bit more feral and way more menacing.

SONNUVABI-!

That thought wasn’t able to complete as white hot light engulfed his vision.

Chapter Text

*WDNRTM*

Gabriel sat in his room angrier than a nest of hornets. The pale chaos mage had already kicked a hole in his wall he was so upset. That guy kept looking at his mama like she was a cupcake or something. All he did was keep him from touching her. Now he was grounded. How was that fair?! Not like he could actually kill him! At least, he and his sister hadn’t figured out how to make it stick yet...

/Master?/ a raven fluttered down from the bedpost to sit in his knee.

“WHAT?!” he screamed shocking the bird into falling off his perch.

/Um, if I may be so bold perhaps there is something you could do that isn’t so...direct./ The black bird flapped his wings a bit to return to his place.

“...keep squawin.”

/Well, you could create a situation in his world that would prevent him from coming back to yours.Then you wouldn’t be in trouble./

“Huh.” Well, he knew Savage was a criminal. There was bound to be somebody looking for him right? Or at least looking at him.

He sat there thinking. Grown up mortals seemed to hate being told what to do. He could relate but it seemed there was more to it. Good guys and bad guys complained about the government being nosey and pushy. He had heard it plenty of times when he and Sylphine played with the kids that came to see their other family. That didn’t make sense. The heroes followed the laws cuz of truth and justice and all that crud no matter what. The criminals should care less...right? But then how does that visiting thing work out so well then?

This was worth looking into...

“Thanks for the idea.”

*WDNRTM*

Klarion was often confused by emotions. Specifically the way they were expressed by people in the Blue Rafters. And sometimes by his friend who wasn’t one of those worthless mortals. Right now, he sat with her on a grassy hill as he bawled her eyes out, unsure how to help. He hated that his butterfly was upset but was at a loss for how to make her feel better.

“What’s wrong Sylphie?”

“ThatstupidmancamebackandmeandGabefixedhimgoodbutnowmama’smadatusandit’snotfair!” she wailed then threw herself at him burying her face in his black coat.

Er, okay. Breaking it down he gathered she was talking about Savage. That guy he had to stay with because the Light and (Limbotown)  was full of jerks. He liked Sylphie’s mom but didn’t like Sylphie and her brother. Klarion wasn’t found off the silvertop either and the feeling was mutual but that aside, Vandal Savage could not be permitted to make his butterfly cry. So what it he was his ‘guardian’.

“Mew.” Teekl hopped into her lap and rubbed against her. The kitten trying where her master failed. /Comfort her you twit./ Her mental voice hissed.

/How?! She’s all weepy and stuff!/

/Ask her what you can do to help./

“Do you want me to do something?”

/That’s not...(sigh). Nevermind, close enough./ Cue kitty facepalm.

“(sniff) I want him gone!” she pouted. “But if he does away you have to go away too. That’s why I only hurt him.”

Poo. The only way the elders let him stay on the mortal plane was the idiot taking responsibility for him and making sure he continued his studies in black magic with the most powerful sorcerer villains. Hmm. They were pretty dim to begin with. Maybe...

Oh yes! In a few minutes the young Lord of Chaos had a brilliant idea. One that would make his butterfly smile again AND get that irradiated monkey of his butt! Just because it was June didn’t mean he couldn’t give her a heart shaped gift to show just how much he cared.

“Stop crying Sylphie. I’ll make it better, I promise.” he declared. “You’ll see!”

Oh, Savage was gonna pay for trying to take his sunshine away.

*End*

Chapter Text

*WDNORTM"

Amanda Waller liked to consider herself a smart woman. Sure she had royally fucked up with the cloning Superman thing but the kidnapping of the Lil Leaguers a while back was all on Desmond. Or Blockbuster. Whatever that dumbass freak was going by now. In any case her mistake had only created a small containable issue regarding custody and paternity. That idiot on the otherhand had created soo many more complications.

One of which will be touched on a bit later.

She was further thrown for a loop that same year when news out of Gotham reported the most twisted SOB there and his almost as bug nuts girlfriend had procreated. Twice. The world at large was startled but Gothamites had known about The Ace of Spades and his little sister The Queen of Hearts for years. It had just been written off by the residents. Harley had even been spotted pregnant before.

Seriously Gotham was notorious not only for its crime rate but the "meh, whatever" mentality of it's citizens. Scarecrow released fear gas in the ducts? That what your company issue gas mask is for. Mr. Freeze iced over downtown again? Strap on those snow chains and get your ass in by 9:30. Oh look Riddler turned the park into a booby trapped maze. Must be Thursday.

The one of the strangest had to be a story of the two wackos arguing in the baby section of Macy's. Surrounded by not really terrified so much as cautious shoppers and sales clerks who continued about their day.

Yes, the Clown Prince of Crime in broad daylight with his henchwench screaming at him over the safety of a carseat stroller combo. There was footage of it. Fifteen minutes and thirteen seconds of back and forth before the glorious pay off a rotund Quinn started bawling, picked up floor model and bashed her lover over the head with it several times.

"Whaddya know. It’s tougher than I thought." She shrugged, observing the car seat module had remained firmly attached to the chassis despite being used as a club. "Hey miss? How much is this one? Gots it in purple?"

"I uh would have to o-order it ma'am. Th-that model is $250." The poor attendant stuttered. Even so her body language was all wrong for someone scared out of there mind. She only looked slightly nervous at being addressed by Harley.

"Sounds bout right. Long as I get it before Junior's due I don't mind. Puddin get up and pay the nice lady. Punch an' Judy can get it when it comes in."

With that, she wandered off to coo over the toy selection. Leaving the woman to blink then look down at Batman's nemesis as he crawled to his feet using the counter as leverage. She wondered about his barely bruised face. Maybe the make up hid it real well and he was black and blue underneath. Wait was that make up? Must be a meta thing. Having lost her unease she spoke once he was upright.

"Cash or charge sir?"

"What makes you think I'm paying for anything?!" He growled.

Wanda, as her tag read, just stared at him.

The Joker glared back.

Wanda did not waver.

Nor The Joker, intensifying the glare.

Wanda responded by quirking an eyebrow.

The Joker sighed in exasperation before slamming a large wad of bills on the counter.

"That oughta cover whatever else that harpy grabs..." he muttered.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Harley screeched from across the floor.

"Buy whatever your heart desires snookums!" He shouted instantly.
.
So the biggest bad in all of Gotham was whipped. That wasn't frightening at all.

Many heroes had children; the idea of other villains reproducing didn't seem quite as far fetched. Still disturbing but not that out there.

So finding out about the pitter patter of tiny evil feet should not have caught her off guard like it did. The Rogues of Central City were raising children. As were the brothers Ebon and Rubberband Man in Dakota. Deathstroke had twins. Scarecrow had a teenaged ward. An Icicle Jr existed. Those shady people in the Light had a devil boy or something. Hell even Brianiac had created a progeny.

No, what alarmed the head of CADMUS was how long they existed before any official information was gathered on them. Any official information she had at least.

"Pshaw I knew about Hartley and JJ from day one." Flash laughed.

"He's an okay kid for one with a genocidal supercomputer as a father." Superman shrugged.

"That is not entirely accurate Ms. Waller. Rubberband Man is a part time hero. He does what he can to positively influence the younger Bang Babies." Icon spoke of his hometown natives.

"Lil guy's sort of a mystery. Personally don't get how he got ice powers. Must be from Icicle's constant exposure to his favorite weapon." Green Arrow commented on Icicle Jr.

"Klarion wants nothing more than to be seen as a great evil but young Miss Sylphine has him wrapped around her finger." Zatara smiled. "He's usually harmless. Except when he's not."

But even if he showed no sign of it at the time, she managed to dumbfound one hero with her questions. And herself in the process.

"Ms. Waller, I fail to see how what goes on my MY city is any of your business." The Dark Knight asked irritated by her presence.

"When it seems like you've finally cracked Bruce. I know the big bad Boogieman of Gotham has a soft spot for munchkins but this is crossing a line. Talia we can over look. Who'd have thought you'd shack up with Poisons Ivy though."

"..." The distance made his eyes hard to gauge but his face remained stony. "Repeat that please?"

" Drop the act. We know you knocked up the crazy plant lady. Belladonna Isley is your, er, son. Gotta say he doesn't look much like you though."

She slid the file across her desk. The image of a mini Poison Ivy sitting on a swing made of vines in a green sundress with no shoes wearing a big straw hat. His mother pushing him.

"Pamela's womb was damaged beyond repair by her transformation in to Poison Ivy. She cannot concieve a child. Muchless one with me. Even if she were not barren, the act required would be fatal to any man."

"Then how- oh no." Waller groaned; she’d been waay off. "Blockbuster is more of a blockhead than I thought."

Of course. The sample of The Bat's DNA up and vanishing before the whole lab went up in smoke thanks to an angry goddess level sorceress. It wasn’t just destroyed like the others. The container was just not there among the debris. Which meant someone had it. Someone CADMUS had no idea about their motivation. Why steal the genetic make up of one of only two JL members with no inhancements? Were they looking to create an army of detectives? Or did they just not know and grabbed whatever before making off?

Why hadn’t that occured to her before?

But before she could voice her thoughts, Batman had pulled his famous disappearing trick. Leaving her alone in the office with a weird, forboding feeling.

*WDNORTM*

"Achoo!" A dainty red head sneezed as he sat tending to a rose bush.

"You okay Red?" A boy in black and white facepaint asked. "Gettin a cold?"

"I doubt that. Um, you are very close to me right now Ace." The boy replied trying to slide away

"Right where I like ta be Red." The responding grin would unsettle most. 'Red stood up fast.

"Right...I need to feed mama's babies now. Eek!"

"I can help." Ace had popped up at the same time and pulled him to his chest, hand firmly on the ginger's hip.

"O-okay." 'Red's' cheeks tinged the color of his hair.

/When is Auntie Harley coming back?/ he groaned in his head.

*WDNORTM*

Chapter Text

*M*

“You are an idiot.”

“That hard up for cash man?”

“Those little monsters are gonna eat you alive.”

Wha?

Pross found himself back at the Mountain, his...assistants, staring at him with a mix of derision, pity and exasperation. Wait, he had been talking to Savage. Now he was back, the kids all running about. According to his watch, it was almost 20:00...holy shit that was about an 8 hour gap in his memory! He turned to get a listen at what the munchkins were so excited about. And tried not to cry.

“I can’t wait! We all get to play! I miss Trixie.” Artemis beamed. “We only get to see each other in dance class.”

“I suppose it would be good to see Bella again. Last we spoke he was working on a plant that could purify polluted water. I wish to know if he succeeded.” Kaldur nodded, then paused looking uneasy. "Though where he and Trixie are, so is Cain..."

“As long as Hotstreak isn’t a big meanie to me...” Red Robin muttered.

“You take up all his ‘boyfriend’s’ attention when yer in the same room cuz yer both super NERDS Drake. Course he’s gonna hate you. He barely tolerates Hawkins.” Red Hood leered.

“I like Jericho. He’s quiet. But Rose kinda scares me...” Connor shrugged. “And Q’s just weird.”

“I don’t wanna see that ice for brains.” Speedy grumbled. "Or that crazy cat bitch."

THWACK! Artemis kicked him in the shins.

"Jade isn't crazy!" She shrieked while he hopped around on one leg.

“Come on Roy, it’ll be fun! It’s the first time we all get to be together! it’s gonna be ASTEROUS!” Robin cheered. “You’re not so bad Mr. Pross!”

What????!!!

“You don’t remember volunteering to host a play date for all the kids?” Supergirl raised a brow. So he must have said that outloud.

“I did no such thing!”

“Yeah, you did. And we probably have to tag along to make sure the apocalypse doesn’t happen. Great, B owes me way more than a sweet ride for this.” Batgirl sighed.

“Oh! But, Doll can help!” Stargirl squealed. “He babysits for the villain kiddies all the time!”

“Goody.” Both her friends deadpanned.

“I didn’t agree to any of that! How did we get back? What is going on?!”

“....” the girls share a look.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Batgirl asked.

“Lady Aurii asked me to help put Savage back together.”

“That was before lunch. You don’t remember eating?” she pressed.

“No...I talked to Savage while we were, wherever...”

The three of them just stared at him. Their attention wasn’t drawn away until the Zeta beam sounded an arrival

*M*
Several hours earlier...

“Your car will arrive in two minutes Mr. Harangue.”

“Thanks Scotty.” A bespectacled man replied.

Another day, another issue with the Just Us League. They now have the audacity to ask to be exempt from any country’s jurisdiction. Not even answering to the UN! They must really think people are stupid. Still, the sheeple who blindly trusted them still out numbered rational minded people. He needed something to change that. Hopefully his lunch break would be a brainstorming session.

“I can help with that.” a young voice said. Looking to his right, he saw a little boy behind him in the mirror. A peculiar boy with stark white hair, smiling at him. Bill did not like that smile, it was positively predatory. “Whether you want my help or not.”

“GAH!” A half scream tore from the man as pain blossomed in the in the center of his back then the sensation of something being ripped out of him. A faint red glow illuminated the child’s face as he studied something in his hand. The boy then hopped up on the vanity and he could clearly see what held his interest. A glowing, pulsing heart shaped thing. His mind tried to deny what it was seeing so he sat shell shocked for a split second. Then he scowled. Some punk had waltzed into his office to play with a toy? And hit him!

“What the hell are you doing in here brat?” Bill barked. “Get off that!”

When the child ignored him and continues to stare at the thing in his hand, he tried the direct approach and grabbed his shirt. Instead of scared, his guest looked disgusted.

“Don’t, Touch. Me. Mortal.” He held the toy up then started to squeeze it.
Bill let the kid go to clutch his chest. Oh, god was he having a heart attack from the stress?! The boy’s expression shifted to amusement at his distress.

“Wow, I see why Syl likes playing with these things. Name’s Gabriel by the way. Now, then let’s talk about your next show.”

Back in Everlie, everyone was settling down for lunch. Pross sheepishly asked where the bathroom was. Lady Aurii smiled, something about excess water build up being a side effect. Politely she directed him to the hallway just outside the room. Rushing to avoid wetting himself, he ran full steam ahead, as he rounded the corner he heard her gasp, a loud slap, then some of the kids cackling. Vaguely he remember that Savage has sat down beside the goddess. Not important, he had to pee dammit!

“Hi.”

“Jesus!” The marine jumped. That voice belonged to a rather spooky looking kid in all black, were those horns or just a weird hairstyle? “Holy shit kid!”

“You’re leaking.”

“You gotta be kidding!” For the third time today, he was soaking wet. Positive, it was only half of him this time; and not some foreign liquid. Gross negative, it was warm and lightly ammonia scented. He’d just pissed himself in front of a little kid. Embarrassed didn’t begin to cover it.

“That ain’t apple juice.” the boy backed away from the growing yellow pool. “Here.”

With a snap, Pross’s pants were dry and smelled kinda like apples. Huh, punny. Just who was this? Didn’t Lady Aurii have only two kids? What was the deal with just appearing outta nowhere?

Ping!

The datapad in his pack displayed the profile he’d sorta asked it for, via the chip in his head. And he immediately regretted taking it out to read it.

Klarion the Witchboy

This young Lord of Chaos is a ward of The Light, though their motivation for doing so is not known. It is important to note he is a close friend of Sylphine, daughter of Lady Aurii but is not found of her twin brother. He enjoys being evil (or just wickedly mischievous depending on whom you ask) and stealing hearts to give to Sylphine.

Handle with caution.

Really?! That’s fucked advice!

“Whazzat?” Klarion asked. “Actually it doesn't matter. I helped you, now you help me. Isn’t that how it works with you heroes?”

“Um, look-”

“Be quiet. Touch your face.” His eyes flashed red. Poor Pross felt his body relax against his will, then his finger poke his nose. “Good, it’s a weak spell but you’re a weak human. I don’t have a use for your heart persay and Ms Aurii would notice if you didn’t have it anyways. I gots a plan to get that radioactive missing link outta my hair and yer the perfect patsy. If anyone manages to figure out I made you do anything that is. Hard to recover memories that don’t exist though so one less thing for you to worry about huh?.”

Why? Why was this happening to him?!

WHY DIDN”T HE READ THE FINE PRINT?!

*M*

Chapter Text

*M*

/15, Green Lantern...04, Green Lantern./

Wait...what?

/A14, Green Lantern.../

Um... well they were an intergalactic police force that just happened to have more than one member on Earth. But why did he only see two?

“You are so damn unbelievable! How did you make it to adulthood Hal?! Blind luck?!” shouted an angry voice. Emerging from the transport were two different Green Lanterns. The african american one was beyond irate.

“What is your deal John?! He’s fine!” the brunette behind him fired back.

“10 stitches and a broken arm is fine Hal?! In what universe?!” John whirled around.

“He’s a boy. Aren’t you always bitching and moaning about manning up Jarhead?!” Hal shouted.

“Kyle is five and he fell out of a fucking 10 story window because you weren’t watching him you dumbass flyboy! A branch went through his face! A GOD DAMN BRANCH!”

10?! Okay, its official. The JL can investigate crime across the galaxy, face down megalomaniacal supercreeps and fend off alien invasions... and had no business minding children. Period.

Between the three of them Black Canary, Green Arrow and The Batman managed to raise 6 adorably cute yet pants-soilingly off kilter tykes; at least two of which probably had the same psych profile as serial killers. And one of those had been actively trying to murder him since they met using his friends and lil sister as living weapons.

No child should be as quiet and reserved as Kaldur. But there was definitely a temper under all that calm and cool if his reaction to family day meant anything. Which happened to be just as unsettling.

Superman truly tried but his wife had better luck dealing with their son particularly his tantrums. His normal, human wife. Whom villains tried not to screw with for reasons having nothing to do with the Man of Steel himself.

Zatanna and Rocket he had dealt with less often than he thought he would but both were pretty sweet. Given the reason he saw them less was their fathers actually took them out into the field on a regular basis. Just like Bats with his rotating roster of Robins. Though the reserve leaguers maintained they encountered far less danger in their non league endeavors. If you qualify sorcerers from hell and a bunch of gangster mutants less dangerous than anything in Gotham.

Kid Flash became a meta because The Flash wasn’t paying his nephew/son any attention. Just left a young scientific genius who wanted to be just like him in a lab unattended. Of course he'd try to recreate the experiment. Now with an accelerated metabolism Wally was in constant danger of starving to death JUST for being a hyperactive kid.

Jaime (whom he also didn't see much... and prayed not for the same reasons as Zatanna and Rocket) had a blue mechanical ladybug from hell attached to his spinal cord because his father Booster Gold wasn't watching him either. Then again his other dad Blue Beetle was disturbingly cool with stabbing people with weird devices and letting a small girl have a taser.

The most normal  parent/child relationship in the whole damn bunch was from Mars. Megan did such a great job emulating earth child behavior if he didn’t know beforehand Pross would swear she was just a regular girl. With telekinesis. Manhunter was so boringly ordinary he didn't stand out to him.

Then there was whatever happened with CADMUS getting their hands on them. And various other incidents. Now this kid fell out of a window?!

“He had his ring on-”

“Did he now? Well that’s just fine and dandy then. Except, wait, it ran out of juice 4 feet above an oak tree since you forgot to remind him to charge it with his lantern before bed last night. Which explains the broken arm and the surgery needed to pull the hunk of wood outta his face. How are you older than me but so much more irresponsible?” John growled. Then let loose a long suffering sigh. “Hal, were supposed to be a team and Kyle is both our responsibility. But how can I trust you with his welfare when these kinda thing keeps happening on your watch?”

“Calm down, I’m sorry okay?” Hal groaned. “John I’m just not good at this stuff. I’ve never really dealt with kids I wasn’t saving from certain doom.”

“If I were a lesser person, I’d take that and run with it.” John snorted. “How about maybe sit him in front of the living room tv while you attempt to cook. That way you can see him?”

“I gues- wait, attempt?”

“Considering you just figured out the smoke detector is not a timer and every pan in your apartment has played host to a flash fire I’d rather you just feed him take out.”

“How would you know that?” Hal bristled.

“Did you think that ankle deep layer of debris at your place magically disappeared when we got joint custody? I cleaned it up before I ever let Kyle sleep over. God knows what he might have contracted if I didn’t. FYI, I did it with my ring. There was a used condom in the cushions your sofa. Which I incinerated by the way. Hate to think what else was on it.”

"That was you?! All this time thought somebody broke in and stole my couch!"

"Oh please. What robber broke in, cleaned up that cesspool, ignored the $20,000 worth of electronics and such but stole that eyesore?"

"They do that a lot." A voice said beside him. Looking down revealed a small boy in a matching mini lantern uniform complete with mask there. Left arm in a neon green cast and Lantern Corp themed sling, the same side of his face bandaged across the cheek. Messy black locks looking disheveled and a little dirty. "Hi, I'm Kyle."

"Well Kyle, I'm Maxwell. So you have two daddies like Jaime."

"Um, I have two dads but NOT like Jaime." He scrunched up his face at that. "Uncle Blue and Uncle Gold loves each other. Papa Hal and Papa John don't."

Poor kid. Must be tough when your folks have a tough break up but still come together for you. Especially if he got hurt on one of their watches. All that fighting, how else would he see that other than them not loving each other anymore?

"Well, they still love you. That's the important thing."

"?" The kid stared at him funny. “Whazzat s’pose ta mean?”

Great. Now he has to explain what he meant. Why did he even say that without thinking it through?

PING! That damned data pad.

Kyle Rayner

Kyle is the charge of Hal Jordan and John Stewart, Earth's Green Lanterns. While having never been romantically involved the pair shares weekly alternating custody of him due to being the only ones capable of training him in the use of his power ring. Which according to Oa's council  he should never have received at such a young and vulnerable age. Nevertheless once a ring chooses a wielder, it remains with them until death.

Kyle is very artistic and naturally adept at shaping Will. Yet his creativity makes him more flighty in nature than others typically chosen. Because this he is somewhat easily distracted, clumsy and accident prone.  Kyle currently holds the record for most medbay visits under the age of 18.

Well now, that wasn’t disturbing at all.  Not another weapon of mass destruction permanently bonding to a child with no business near such a thing. Not that the guys running the show don’t know why and basically shrugged it off. Not that this five year old boy’s medical record read like Evel Knievel's and everyone seems fine with it. Not that his guardians got along not so much like a house on fire but one blowing up. No, nothing wrong about that at all.

Dear god, these were the people everyone trusted to save their lives?

“Heya Rayman.” Stargirl smiled. “Neat cast. What happened this time?”

“Um, I saw a bird on the ledge at Papa Hal’s place I wanted to draw. But when I climbed out to get a better look I fell.”

“Tough luck there. Say, can I sign it?” Batgirl asked.

“Uh-huh!” Kyle beamed.

“This...happens a lot. Poor Kyle has the worst luck. And little coordination.” The blonde kryptonian in the room chuckled. “He’s got his own trophy collection of slings, braces and cut off casts.. He wants one of every color in the rainbow. At this rate he’ll have ‘em before long. But back to you. It’s kinda weird you don’t remember anything and need to figure out why.”

“Yeah, if you didn’t say that, then who made you?” Gotham’s heroine capped the marker she’d been doodling with.

Good question.

*M*

*Four hours before returning to the mountain.*

Bill sat in awe of the information before him. Court documents and more pertaining to custody and paternity that read like something out of a soap opera.

Superboy had two biological fathers (one of whom was Lex Luthor) and a mother

Batman had shacked up with not one but two crazy villainesses.

Sportsmaster and Huntress had visitation rights to Artemis. Who’s bestest friend ever was the Joker’s daughter.

As did Black Manta to Aqualad...who was on good terms with Ivy and Batman’s dau-er-son? What was that kid’s gender?!

Stargirl was dating the ward of one of Gotham’s rogues.

The Rogues of Central were raising two children.

As was Deathstroke the Terminator.

Actually, so were a number of the worst of the worst. And the League knew it.

“Even if this is true,I have no sources to cite. Not legally obtained ones anyhow. I refuse to report on this without proof of where it came from. My reputation would be ruined!”

“First of all, your rep is kinda that of muckraker so it don’t get much lower. Second, what about this situation indicates I give a steaming pile about you?” Glared the child that wasn’t a child. Casually sitting there, very literally holding Bill’s heart in the palm of his hand. A cruel smirk spread across his face. “Third, you don’t get a choice idiot. As long as I got my new toy, you’re just a tool . It’s not that much different than your usual gig stop whining. And get to planning.”

*One hour before returning to the mountain*

“I don’t mind letting the kids have a little get together. I mean I hear it’s kinda hard to coordinate with so it doesn’t happen much.” Once Maxwell Pross uttered those words, you could hear a pin drop. Every adult’s neck developed whiplash as they turned to just look at him.

“I’m sorry, what?” Vandal blinked. He wanted the sap’s assistance but had yet to actually formulate a plan per say-

“Oh what a splendid idea! Sylphine and Gabriel just love their lil friends and so rarely get to play with ALL of them at once!” Lady Aurii chirped.

Barbara, Kara and Courtney just stared. That idiot could barely handle the normal group but volunteered to watch everyone for a play date. Just blurted it out on the way back to the transport gate. WHAT WAS IS DEAL?!

The assembled villains just shrugged. Maybe they could get Crane’s nephew to tag along for surveillance.. If he could be bothered to stop making goo goo eyes at STRIPE’s kid that is.

*M*

Chapter Text

*M*

Read the Playmate Files

or

La Danse des Canards Macabre

/Unbelievable. This guy had a death wish./ A blonde stared questioningly at his cellphone, wonder if he heard that right. The surveillance relay to it from the Mt Justice cameras was doing fine so yeah, that idiot had agreed to a Good n Evil playdate. No way THAT could go wrong. But Pross’ lapse in brain function meant he had a legit excuse to hang out with his Star that walking trashcan couldn't say shit about.

It just also meant dealing with the spawn of both sides of the law.

Oh, he’d had plenty of practice with villian kids. He babysits them regularly. Who better to do so than someone who can't die? No matter how hard the little brats try.

Ace of Spades was rather fond of using him for knife throwing practice. Until the kid realized he wasn't actually hurting him, just creating holes in his body. Then he became obsessed with creating gruesome wounds on him just to watch them heal. Eventually that bored him too so he instead focused like 70% of his creepy attentions on his 'Little Red'. The other 30% just as oddly devoted to his little sister, Queen of Hearts. Who was actually a delight until someone tried to take something from her. That heralded the appearance of a massive, heart shaped battle axe from hammerspace and shouts of "Off with his/her head!".

Yeah, being beheaded by a 7 year old was fun; an injury that didn’t heal right away. Yay. Didn’t help that Trixie started bawling her eyes out at the sight of all the blood thinking he was dead for real. Once she realized he was fine,  just in two pieces, she squealed and decided to spend the remainder of that day carrying his severed head around until Harley showed up to get the her and Cain. As batshit insane as she was, that woman could sew; who do you think made the costumes for Mister J and crew? Good thing she offered to stitch his head back on so it could eventually reattach itself. At least he never lost motor function and could operate his body just fine despite not being attached. Cuz, Ace would have had a ball carving his prone form up like a jack o lantern.

Oh, yeah that. See...it’s complicated. He was pretty sure only two people associated with the League knew the real deal truth about him; Star cuz he told her. The Batman cuz...The God Damned Batman. To everyone else, he was just a spoilt brat who joined the Rogues Gallery of Gotham for shits and giggles when mommy and daddy couldn't give him what he wanted.

Not even close.

About two years ago Stewart sorta, kinda, died. Explosions do that. How was it his fault his lawyer father had an unsatisfied customer who decided to hire someone to put a bomb in the car he just got for his birthday?! He'd always been unlucky like that. For his folks money was no object in bringing their son back though. Of course not all the odds and ends could be resolved by tossing cash at them.

Like the fact that while not exactly common knowledge, his death was known to several people whom all kept quiet for the right price and/or well placed threat. The one person they couldn't silence they had deported back to Belakova. Svetlana couldn't believe the people she worked for could do something so unnatural to their child and tried to help him. By trying to “free his soul from a demonic husk” with a baptism of literal fire. Still her heart was in the right place. But for all her trouble she ended up back in that hell hole and on the no-fly list.

Then there was the fact that after stitching his corpse back together the hoodoo guy they hired specifically warned them that there was a slight (50/50) chance he might come back...wrong. As in anything from brain dead to psychotic to a flesh eating monster. Or combo of the three. Or worse. Guess what? He totally came back not right.

Technically speaking, he was Solomon Grundy 2.0. Except instead of a hulking, brain damaged yet fucking indestructible zombie he became just as scrawny as usual, super smart yet still indestructible version. Like he traded being a rage fueled idiot for retaining his ability to run rings around scientific experts. At the cost of any added strength. And he wasn’t quite sure what to think about that.

On the plus side he couldn’t die and all his injuries healed super fast making him the ideal babysitter for the children of damned. Except major parts that were cut off; those had to be reattached to allow them to reconnect properly. Hence his often stitched together appearance. Without his costume, his makeup or his stitches, he could pass for an albino with a dye job. Grundy couldn't. And of course the whole unable to feel pain issue. Which at times was really a bad thing. It's stupidly easy to burn one's self to the 3rd degree when cooking if you can't tell you hand is on the burner until you smell burning flesh.

Also on the negative side he was pathetically useless in a fight without his hi-tech toys because of that pesky wimp factor that carried over from before his accident. So all his eggs for being a career criminal rested squarely in the tech support basket. Why exactly did he even turn to the dark side you ask? It goes that way when your folks (who totally could have left you FUCKING DEAD by the way) were repulsed by the whole "our son is an undead creature" thing. Seriously, what did you assholes think was going to happen?!

Disowned and on the streets he reached out to his uncle Jonathan Crane. Who no one ever wanted to talk about after his “episode” but had been the only member of the family he had any real bond with as a child. To the disgust of his uncle’s associates. It’s really saying something when the worst of the worst feel bad for you. Even ‘Uncle J’ offered to fill their pool with piranha and their hot tub with acid for a laugh. After some creative spitballing, the Gotham underworld techmaster Ghoul, 'son' of The Scarecrow was born.

To the further horror of his parents. But whatever. By this point fuck them. Hard. At least because they resurrected him, he got to meet his Star. Still...

"Whatcha doooiiiinnn?"

A mop of chalk white hair obscured his view of the feed. Little Rose "Ravager" Wilson was leaning over the couch directly over him. Looks like her eyepatch switched sides again. In her quest to be just like her daddy,the girl had done everything from replicate his armour and look to taking up sword fighting. She didn’t have his access to hammerspace but the whole precognition deal kinda made up for that.

One doesn’t look at Slade Wilson and see father of the year or nothin but he did love his brats. Just pride gets in the way sometimes. The clusterfuck surroundings how Rose's twin Jericho got his throat slit being a prime example. Thinking one is playing the Batman Gambit when it's more like Xanatos Speed Chess yet managing to  spectacularly fail at both. The one time the master manipulator screwed up an innocent child almost died and ultimately lost his voice. Ghoul didn’t know the whole thing but an arms deal went bad. Jericho got kidnapped. Wilson didn’t go in guns ablazin like they thought he would. Bullshit happened--negotiations tanked. Kid got sliced. He did know the guys responsible weren't dead but prolly wish they were though. But you can't exactly ask em. Deathstroke gouged out their eyes, ripped out their tongues and likely lobotomized at least one removing their tineas. Made a nice 8 piece charm bracelet for his mute son outta the silver plated ear bones.

God that family was creepy.

“Spyin. Looks like you guys get to see ya do gooder friends soon.”

“Yay! I miss Jason! When?” Of course her best friend is one of the psychotic ‘good’ guys. Funnily enough, she and the other crazy redheaded lil fuck didn't get along too well though.

“Dunno but I guess that radioactive fossil will be talkin to yer pops soon.” Whenever he’s done killing who ever. Rose squealed again and somersaulted over the couch landing like a cat.  Across the room, Jericho clapped at his sister's acrobatics. Basking in the only audible praise her brother could give she playfully bowed.

“Door.” she blurted as she rose.

Ghoul almost went back to the feed when she spoke before he heard a knock at the door. Switching his phone display to his his porch cam he sighed at the sight of two sets of blonde pigtails (one of which a mini me of the other) standing there. Well, the smaller was bouncing on her heels clutching a black backpack splashed with red hearts. The other, older one blowing a humongous bubble with her gum. It popped and she pouted for a second before scraping the pink goo off her face.

“Aw come on Stitches! I know ya in dere. Kinda pressed fa time and I need a fava.” Harley Quinn whined. “Don’t make me kick da door in again!”

Yeah, again. Harleen Quinzel turned out to be one of those WTF hiccups in the cosmos in Ghoul’s opinion. Um, well all of Gotham fit into that category. You know, the place with the guy who routinely runs around in military grade kevlar punching people in the face? Melting out of the shadows and one’s nightmares to dangle people from roofs but is really the good guy?

Anyway, the Queen of Hammerspace had a muscle to strength ratio that made no goddamn sense. That she put to use in more mind boggling ways. For a supposedly ‘normal’ human she kicked like a mule and her signature mallet weighed way more than the average human could casually swing with one arm. Without dislocating every bone in that arm while shredding the muscles and tendons at the same time. Something she passed on to Trixie, her little girl. Frequent contact with Smilex probably played into that. And her insanity too...

“Geez give a guy some time lady! What's the big deal?” Ghoul poked his head out the door with a scowl.

“Puddin an me gots a date night. He don't take me no where no more...so it's gonna be a blast! Trix needs a sitter.” she chirped.

“...where’s Cain?”

“Wit Pammy and Lil Red. Ya know dat boy don't care where he's at so long as he gots his Bella. Sides, I know Ace and da mute kid don't gets along too well so yeah...be a good girl Trixie.”

“Wait a minute-”

“I will Mama!” Trixie beamed.

“I didn’t-”

“Here's double da usual cuza short notice! Buh-by-eeee!” a large sack was shoved into his chest before she skipped away.

“-agree to do shit.” with a sigh then undead teen cautiously opened the bag to reveal 10K in crumpled Benjamins. Well, he assumed it was since his rate for watching any of the little demons was 5K per brat per night.

He’d count it later.

*M*