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I’m staring again. I know I am, yet I cannot seem to stop. You’re too fascinating. If anyone were to ask me what you were doing in this moment I could not answer. I’m lost in your beauty. Your everything. Once I start I cannot stop. It seems like I’ve lost all control. I can’t explain it. I should stop because someday you will catch me. You will catch me looking and it will be all open. Right there in my eyes. Because when I look at you like this the emotions, the love I feel for you, must be all open for everyone to see in my eyes. Some part of me hopes that you will catch me sooner rather than later. That part of me is tired of hiding. That part is constantly thinking: what if?
But the rest of me is utterly terrified. Because ‘what if?’ has too many terrible outcomes. What if you reject me? What if you hate me? What if you’re disgusted? I couldn’t live with that so I rather stay silent. This way I can admire you. I can look at you, marvel at you. Wonder how you’re even possible.
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I see you. You think I’m focused on some other thing but I know you’ve been staring at me for the past 10 minutes. You’re often doing that these days. Staring. You always think I don’t notice but I always do. It gives me the slightest glimmer of hope. What if you do feel the same way I do? What if it’s not just wishful thinking? But that ‘what if’ is small. I know you’re only admiring my intellect. The person under all that? You don’t really care about it. Just like everyone else. And that’s okay. It’s not like I’m making it easy. I’ve closed myself off, haven’t allowed anybody to see my true self. Not even you. Though I do have to say, with you I am more myself than with anybody else.
Just not quite all of it because I couldn’t live with your rejection.
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I should tell you. I really should. You deserve to know. And it’s getting impossibly hard to not blurt it out at any given moment. You deserve to know that someone loves you for who you are and not just for your intellect. Even if it’s just me and I don’t matter. Even if you probably don’t want to know I should still tell you. Is my fear bigger that my desire to just do it? My desire to know your reaction? My desire to be with you like that, even if that possibility is so small it barely exists?
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I should tell you. I really should. I might always say I’m a sociopath with no emotions but honestly that’s just a façade. For you I have so many emotions, my heart is bursting. And I don’t know how to handle it all. Nothing has prepared me for falling for you like this.
I should tell you because you think too little of yourself and you deserve to know. You deserve to know that your enough. You’re perfect you the way you are. Or at least for me you are.
If I just look up and stare back at you, what will see in your eyes? Am I ready to find out? I think I am. I think I’ve waited too long already.
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He’s caught me. He’s seeing it. It’s all there in my eyes. It must be with the way I’m feeling. I’m trying to look away but your gaze is too captivating. I’m so transfixed, I don’t even notice you standing up. Making your way over to me. But suddenly you’re close. Too close. Right up in my space. My eyes flicker down to your lips but who could blame me? You’ve got the most amazing lips.
I don’t think I can hold it back much longer.
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It’s all right there. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid. Apparently, we’ve both been incredibly stupid because your eyes are so open and vulnerable right now I can’t believe I’ve ever doubted your feelings. So I just do it. Walk right up to you. Invade your space. You look at my lips and back into my eyes again. And suddenly this is all so easy. Why was I so afraid?
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I love you.
I love you.
And we crash into each other. It’s so easy. So familiar. As if we’ve been doing this all our lives. As if we were made for each other. We fit so well. Perfectly. I forget where one stops and the other begins. But that’s okay. We’re okay.
We’re together.