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It's really shit.
Life is fucking shit. Do you know why? 'Cause mental illnesses, feelings, social media and school.
I grew up knowing that one day everyone had to have a married partner of the opposite gender, that their were only two genders and that you could only love the opposite. You had to be the masculine husband to brought back the money and put food on the table- oh but you're not allowed to make the food as that's the 'woman's job.' You would have preferably two (2) kids and maybe a pet dog or cat. On the weekends you would go out with your buddies and talk about how school was such a breeze and how you're so lucky to be married to your high school sweetheart while drinking a cold beer. Then you'd go home and enjoy the life you had as the Neurotypical white straight business man.
As you grow up, you start to realise that life isn't as breezy as adults say. School isn't easy. I'm failing in evey subject. I don't go out every weekend cause I'm depressed and have social anxiety- oh, and I have no friends.
Well, I have one friend but I seem to realise that I am in love with them.
Every little cheeky smile, every little quiet giggle and glance you share from across the class burns your heart.
Makes you- well, me- feel like someone is pulling your heart from out your chest and smashing it on the groud, hoping for it to break but it just isn't workin' so you just have to stand there and watch as your heart his hurt, the shocks of pain filling up your body as it intertwines with the self hatred and anxiety.
You hate the feelings, wish they would go away. Wish you could get away. From it all. Family, school, tests, anxiety, depression, being in love, yourself.
Still there are maybe some moments when life isn't shit. When you stay up all night on facetime with your best fiend. Talking about how excited you are to go see that Weird Al concert that you've been wanting to see since you became friends 12 years ago. Talking about how excited you are to see each other and maybe they'll say that they're gonna hug you as soon as they see you.
You feel butterflies build up in your chest as you can already feel their arms wrapping around you tightly, burrying their head into your chest as you teasingly say you hate eachother. ("I hate you, you fuckboy." "Hate you too, dweeb." "... love you really nerd." "Me too." I say as the pain comes back into my chest.)
Some nights I just lay in my kitchen floor, staring at the ceiling as I blast sad P!ATD Songs, crying softly thinking about how my sweet, lovely best friend is going to grow up and marry some lovely woman and I'm going to be the best man at his wedding. I watch him kiss her, their hands fitting perfectly. I wish they were my hands..
I wonder if Jeremy still thinks about that one time we kissed under his bed in 7th grade. I sure do.
God, I probably sound really creepy. The way i fucking think about him all the time. The way that he always does this cute stretching before he hugs me- and the way the gets all giggly and goes red when I tease him about being unable to say things in another language due to his chronic American accent.
Then there are always bad times, like after the hugs he awkwardly backs away and does the whole "no homo though bro" and puts on this absolutely disgusted face when people say they thought we were dating. The way my heart drops when he literally sounds like he's going to puke when he says he'd never ever go out with me and the way he says "nah thanks- I'm straight."
Why am i so stupid? Even if he was gay or bisexual or heterofexible, he wouldn't like me anyway. He's way too attached to Christine.
Ugh. The way he talks about her twenty-four, seven (24/7) like she's the world to him and the way he gets all flustered and giddy about her- the way his eyes light up whenever he talks about her makes me wanna just grab his face and kiss him 'till We both can't breath and are all tangled together, my hands on his waist, staring into each others eyes. Maybe one day we could maybe... no.
Nevermind.
He's straight, i'm gay. He's in love with her, and i'm in love with him. He wants her. I want him.
No matter what amount of tumblr posts say i'll be happy and okay and I'm valid or the amount of fanfiction were there are two best friends crushing on each other and end up kissing unexpectedly or accidentally confessing their love for each other will never fill the hole in my heart. It's all bullshit.
Not eveything is going to end with a kiss and confessing love and body heat in the passenger seat.
That one time I got drunk with him and told him that i was in love with him, while we slow danced, my lips so close to his. His hands holding my hands, ours bodies so close.
And he laughed. That pure sweet- terrible laugh that made me force a smile, hold back the tears as i played it off as a joke.
God, we've had so many moments when i just wanted to kiss his face off. I just wanna go to his house and cuddle on his bed, watching crappy old 90's shows while kissing softly, running my hands along his body, I want him to tell me that he loves me. That he means it and that he wants to do so much romantic shit together.
But We won't ever do that due to the fact that he is straight. Michael Mell, you ugly, dumb fuck.. Stop getting wrapped up in stupid fantasies that will make you feel worse about your feelings.
At the end of the day, He'll be happy with Christine- or some other girl that i'll have to hear him gush over again and again and again- and i'll be a sad guy. Waiting for the day I die in pain with a broken heart or I accidentally confess like in the movies but he is weirded out and leaves me all lone and then i'll definitely die alone.
God I wish i could kiss him.