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It’s been about a week since Yondu’s funeral. He really was a father to me, I wish I had realized it sooner. There are a lot of things I wish I could have said to him. He got the ravager funeral he wanted though. It’s been hard but I’m doing alright. Thing is, now that I’m feeling better I’m starting to notice things are a bit… quiet around here. I mean they’re not quiet but something’s missing.
Turns out Groot’s grown up a bit and is going through a bit of a teenager phase so he’s locked himself in his room most of the time. It’s funny, I finally meet my dad and figure out who my real dad is and now I’m playing father to a tree. Life is weird sometimes. Gamora has been kind of down since Nebula left, we haven’t talked much but I made sure she knows that I’ll be there when she’s ready to talk. She wasn’t much of a talker anyway so I know it’s not that. Everyone else is kind of doing their own thing except… Rocket. The more I think about it I realize I haven’t seen him in days actually… maybe longer. I ask around and no one else has either, including Groot (at least I’m pretty sure, still getting the hang of understanding him). I hope he didn’t sneak out without telling anyone for some bounty or treasure hunt.
We picked our rooms pretty much as soon as the funeral ended, it was kind of a long day. Rocket picked one at the end of a hallway, I assume it was one of the nicer ones but I haven’t actually seen it yet. I knocked on the door, “Rocket you in there?”. I didn’t hear any response so I went to knock again but before I could I heard a hoarse “Go away”. It sounded weak and like he hadn’t spoken in a while. At this point I was getting worried “Rocket, are you alright? I’m pretty sure no one’s seen you since the funeral? Are you alright?”. No answer.
One of the first things I did as “Captain” once things calmed down was get the master key code for the rooms, I didn’t think I would need it this soon. “Rocket I’m coming in.” I said, as I entered the code. As the door was opening I heard Rocket’s panicked response “What?! I told you to get the hell away from me.”. His voice was a little clearer now but he still didn’t sound like his normal self. Once the door opened I got a better picture of what was going on. Rocket was lying in bed with a bottle of… I don’t know some kind of space whiskey with a few other empty bottles lying around the room, the room reeked of it. His fur was a mess with the fur around his eyes particularly matted and wet. Was Rocket crying? Rocket cries?
“Rocket what’s going on with you? Have you been crying?” I asked gently, he can be temperamental normally so god knows how he’d react if he’s actually upset.
His response was swift; “Quill I told you to leave, I’m fine. Do I look like I’m crying? What would I even have to cry about?”. Rocket’s tone was defensive, if I didn’t know better I’d say he was scared.
“Rocket your room is covered in alcohol bottles, you absolutely do look like you’ve been crying and no one has seen you out of your room in over a week. Although it looks like you made time to grab a drink or ten without anyone noticing. I don’t know why you’re upset but you’re clearly not fine.” Rocket didn’t say anything in response but he finally moved to furrow his brow and cross his arms, fists clenched tight.
“I know you were upset with what happened to Yondu but you barely even knew the guy, is there something else going on?” Rocket kept his recent oath of silence and just shuffled in bed, taking a swig of alcohol. This isn’t going to work, I’m not a mind reader. I tried again to get him to talk. “Is this about the whole battery thing? We all forgave you for that, I thought we made that clear. If you did something just tell us, really it’s alright.”
That finally got a reaction out of him but not particularly one I was hoping for, he dropped the bottle and stared at me for a moment before speaking. “It sure the hell is about the battery. It’s about this whole god damn team.” Surprisingly he started tearing up a little at this point, wetting the already damp fur around his eyes. “You guys just go around saying you forgive people. That everything is fine now… how the hell can anyone forgive me for the shit I’ve done? Yondu told me we’re pretty much the same but I’m not Yondu. I didn’t give my life to save anyone, I doubt I would. If I were in his position I would’ve just escaped and left you there. I don’t deserve this. I couldn’t save him, I left both of you to die. Even before that I couldn’t protect the ship. I got captured by the fucking ravagers of all people.” Rocket’s voice was starting to wear out a bit but he pressed on after a breath, even louder than before. “We might not have even gotten into that mess so unprepared if I didn’t fuck up and take that battery but I did take it because I’m a horrible person who steals and cheats and I hurt people I care about, I’m a worthless freak and you people can’t seem to understand how much better off you’d be without me. I’m not a good person Quill. I’m not even a person I’m a thing, just some rotten experiment gone wrong. So there’s nothing wrong Captain, I’m just building up the courage to leave and I’ll be out of your hair alright?”
I just stood there for a while, I think my mouth was open to some extent. By the end of his rant Rocket’s voice was beginning to wear and he was out of breath, tears still streaming down his cheeks despite his angry expression. I definitely was not prepared for the barrage of comments and emotions coming at me. I mean where do I even start with something like this? “Rocky… what are you talking about? You’re amazing. You’re smart, smarter than me at least, brave, you’re a damn good shot. Forget about that shit we all make mistakes, I probably make the most of anyone here. We need you here Rocket, we want you here. You’re not a freak or a thing either. You’re a person, a pretty decent person no less.” I looked at him nervously hoping my speech did the trick…
“We? Have you actually asked the other people on the team? Maybe an idiot like you thinks I won’t just screw things up but the others know better.” he spat back at me.
I was a little rattled, to be honest I hadn’t actually talked to the team about Rocket recently but they must feel the same way I do right? He’s part of the team. “Good point I’ll go ask them, you can talk to them yourself.” About halfway through the sentence Rocket sat straight up in bed for the first time since we started talking and his eyes went a little wide. “WAIT wait Peter don’t tell anyone about this please. I wanted to sneak out before anyone noticed, I don’t want the others to see me like this… please...” His panicked expression turned to sadness as he hung his head in shame.
I moved into the room towards the bed, away from the door. I hadn’t actually moved since I came in, I was so startled. I sat down on the side of the bed next to Rocket and slowly put my hand on his shoulder. “Alright Rocket you got it no team. Forget about the rest of the team. I want you here. I want to see you happy, flying around blasting shit. I know you’re important to the rest of the team but if you won’t take my word for it then at least believe me when I say that I need you here.” My thankfully unbitten hand rested gently on his shoulder. He was warm and his fur was a little messy but still surprisingly soft. Before I could get used to the contact though Rocket gently moved my hand away with his own.
“I know you want to help, you always do, but you need to just let me go. Just get out of here Quill, leave me alone.” His voice was sad and gentle coming from him that only made me feel worse. I felt my heart sink as he spoke. It didn’t work. I tried to come up with a response but my mind went blank. The only thought in my head was that I’m supposed to be the leader and I’m screwing this up. What else could I say to him?
I looked at him one last time before leaving, “Look, Rocket I’m going to leave and let you get some rest but this isn’t over. Don’t sneak out either. Put down the booze and get some sleep, I’ll be in to see you tomorrow.” He didn’t meet my gaze though, he looked towards the floor so intently as if trying to see through it. I sighed and left the room, walking back to my own room and collapsing onto the couch, my head buried in a pillow.
That night I ran through the conversation in my head over and over. Thinking about it I felt an imagined pain in my chest. I could tell the other guardians but I don’t think having several other people in the room yelling at him would’ve helped. Mantis is the expert here but Rocket barely even knows her, I doubt he’d trust anything she said never mind allow her to touch him. No, for now I go it alone. I’m in way over my head but that’s nothing out of the ordinary for the mighty Star-Lord after all.