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Three whole weeks had gone by. Three weeks full of reassuring glances when situations got hairy. Three weeks of training sessions where he actually learned new things. Three whole weeks of living a real life fantasy with his favorite tall boy. Three perfect weeks that fell into shambles over the course of 30 seconds, all by his own hands. Though he didn't want to believe it, Keith was the reason Lance had spent the past three days in a healing pod, and with each passing day he became more sick of himself. Lance was stuck in a healing pod indefinitely because of Keith's impulse control issues and he hated himself.
What was even worse is that Keith's guilt wouldn't allow him to leave Lance alone. He stayed in the medical bay as often as possible. He couldn't bring himself to eat or sleep so why bother trying to go anywhere else. He could rest for 30 minute segments as long as he was near Lance’s pod, but Allura had to force him to sleep last night. It had been more than 48 hours since he last slept and Allura insisted that the sleep deprivation was no good for him. While he stayed with the slowly healing paladin, Allura sent Coran down and Keith reluctantly allowed his veins to be filled with a cold, thick Altean sleep aid.
Medically induced or not, Keith's night of rest was anything but refreshing. His subconscious was haunted by variations of Lance’s morbid accident, more abductions of Shiro, or he'd see a horrid, Galra-fied version of himself taunting him over both scenarios. How he'd let Shiro disappear, how he just watched Lance get hurt, and how there was nothing he could've done to stop either tragedy even if he tried. Galra Keith's harsh rebukes woke Keith up out of his medical mini coma early in a cold sweat. He hated Galra Keith and if it meant never sleeping for the rest of his life, he was determined not to see him ever again.
After his rude awakening, he ran off to the training deck. Keith figured Allura couldn't force him to sleep if he wasn't in her sights. The fire pistol of a paladin stayed on the training deck hacking practice drones to pieces until afternoon rolled around. He was in mind numbing attack mode the entire time, but once he realized his growling stomach was growing louder, he had no choice but to leave. As he marched his way to the kitchen, Keith decided he was going to grab something quick and head right back to his post at Lance’s pod. That is exactly what Keith did when he reached the kitchen, but when he returned to the med bay there was someone else settled into his usual spot.
The intruder, yes intruder, sensed him and turned to see who was visiting. Keith equally relaxed and bristled as Bareet, the Apidaen queen, smiled when she saw his face. He had to keep reminding himself that what happened to Lance wasn't her fault. It couldn't be anyway because it was his fault. All his fault.
“Hello red lion paladin.” Bareet’s sweet, slightly buzzing voice broke through his cycle of self deprecation. “Have I intruded?”
Yes Keith thought, but he wasn't rude, or angry, enough to say that to her.
“No it's okay, I'll give you a minute.” Keith turned to leave, but paused as she called out to him.
“There's no need for you to leave. There is plenty of room for the both of us.” She scooched herself over and patted the open seating area by her plump thorax, welcoming Keith over with a warm smile. He was reluctant to share his time with Lance with the very alien who put them in this position, but he eventually did come over and sit with her.
There was silence for quite some time between them. Keith didn't really want to talk and even if he had, he had no idea what to say to Bareet. He did his best not to even look her way, looking instead to Lance in his healing pod. He openly stared at motionless Lance sleeping in front of him. Silent Lance, Lance who couldn't open his eyes, Lance who couldn't flash that signature smirk his way. Lance who couldn't argue, flirt, or mock Keith for ogling him. Worst of these was that he couldn't reach Lance to hold him. He did this to Lance. His Lance.
“When you first came down in your flying cats,” Bareet began, interrupting the vicious cycle of Keith's thoughts. “I did not expect the handsome, charismatic one to do for me what he did. With all the joking and the flirting and the smirking, I thought he was more interested in staying with me.” She smiled up at Lance and Keith stilled from rage fueled shock.
“I would have let him, especially after seeing his bravery and how selfless he is. But he is your favorite yes?” The queen turned to Keith when she asked the question and he couldn't do anything but gape in surprise.
“I-I no! H-he's not,” his struggle was put to an end by a delicate giggle from his royal audience.
“It is okay. You do not have to tell me Fluffy, I already know.” There was a smirk on her face, and had she just called him by the very adjective Lance used to describe his hair to her before the evacuation? Okay now Keith hated her. “You are his favorite too.”
This made Keith pause. He hoped he had heard her correctly.
“You think I'm Lance’s favorite paladin?” He asked.
“Yes,” Bareet replied, “though I was charmed and heavily flattered, I could see his truth. He likes to try to impress you.”
“He likes to goad me into stupid challenges and get under my skin,” Keith supplied through clenched teeth, struggling to ignore the heat snaking its way up his neck.
“Yes, but you allow him there,” as she continued, she leaned a little into his bubble, “because he is your favorite. He only proceeds because you give him the reaction he desires. Have you not noticed how much time you spend together?”
When it became apparent that Keith couldn't hide his blush, she leaned back and giggled. He couldn't believe this giant space bee figured out his feelings for Lance. He swore he'd been hiding it so well. Keith was heavily embarrassed, but if what she said about Lance was true… it couldn't be, right?
“Why are you telling me this?” He asked, finally turning to fully face her.
“Because it is true, and you would suit him far better than I ever could.” She smiled as she saw Keith blush and turn away. A dainty black hand laid itself over his left one before she went on. “I owe you an apology Fluffy.”
Keith turned back very confused.
“An apology for what?”
“When you tried to stop the blue one… I was angry with you. I thought that you decided my life did not matter. I thought you believed me and my people were a lost cause and not worth the danger for you. I was very upset, but when the tall one came to my pod and…” she seemed to be getting choked up as she relived the horrible accident. “I became scared for him. I wanted him to go away so he could be safe, and when I felt that, I realized why you tried to stop him. You wanted to save him from the danger. That is when I knew he was your favorite, and I knew I was wrong for thinking you were selfish and heartless. I am sorry Keith. For my assumptions and for Lance.”
As Keith looked at Bareet, he found himself at a loss for words. Her apology was so heartfelt and expressed so many feelings he never thought she was capable of having. He was beyond grateful for everything she'd shared with him, and even though he didn't want to, he knew he had some necessary words for her too.
“Bareet thank you but… I don't deserve that,” he confessed.
“Of course you do,” she countered, “I was upset with you for no good reason.”
“Yeah but I hated you.” He was happy he decided not to look at Bareet even though he could tell she was in wide eyed shock by his side. “I blamed you for Lance getting hurt. It was stupid because I know you didn't ask him to save you, I know he would've done it anyway because he's just that stupidly selfless, and I know you didn't get blasted and stranded on purpose. I was just upset that even after trying to stop him I couldn't save him and I guess I needed someone to blame. What happened was my fault, you had nothing to do with it, and I'm sorry I ever projected all of that onto you.”
His apology was met with silence, and he was sure Bareet was seething with rage. The urge to run away started to make its way to his legs until he felt her hand, which hadn't moved, give his own a reassuring squeeze. He looked back at her and saw an understanding smile on her face.
“I forgive you Keith. I have no reason to be angry with you if we are the same in our feelings,” she comforted.
“I guess you're right.” He gave her a small smile, unable to help himself while in the presence of her genuine goodness.
“And Keith?”
“Yeah?”
“This is not your fault at all,” she spoke in her serious voice Keith only heard her use when addressing all of her subjects. He wanted to believe her, he really did, but his conscious wouldn't allow it.
“Thanks, but I'm not so sure Lance will see it that way,” he said as he took a glance at Lance in the cryo-chamber.
“He will,” she comforted, “and even if he does not at first, he will forgive you. I am sure you are still his favorite and I do not see that changing.”
Her smile made Keith feel like he was going to blush again, but he managed to keep himself together.
“You might be stretching the truth but thanks. I can only hope you're right about the whole forgiveness thing.” He offered her another small smile.
“I usually am,” she trilled with a delighted, aristocratic smirk. His body released an abrupt jolt as Bareet once again invaded his personal space and pressed a parting kiss to his cheek. She began to speak again as she stood.
“Thank you for sitting with me. I will leave you to spend peaceful time with your favorite. I hope to see you at the honors festival tomorrow Fluffy.” With a regal wave, she was on her way out. Once he heard the doors close behind her, he allowed himself a small chuckle.
Bareet may have been a person sized bug with no sense of personal space who liked Lance, which may have been her biggest flaw in Keith's eyes, but she had put his mind at ease in their time together. Thinking back on it, he was happy Lance went out of his way to save her. Granted, it would've been better if Lance was actually conscious and could appreciate what he'd done for the Apidaens and their precious queen. With that, and another look at Lance, his mood managed to sour again. Keith had been beating himself up so bad over what he'd done to Lance, he couldn't imagine a world where he deserved anything more than contempt from the currently comatose paladin. He wanted to put faith in the logical outcomes Bareet had presented to him, but it all sounded too good to be true. By all means, he knew she was right, especially because he knew Lance had such a big heart, but the depths of his mind continued to persecute him with pessimistic thoughts. He looked up at Lance and for all his anxieties he found himself wishing he were awake again, even if they were at odds for eternity.
Please come back to me... nothing’s the same without you.
Even this earnest, silent request elicited no response from Lance. Keith was doomed to wait alone with his guilty conscience and self loathing mind until Lance’s body decided he was ready to function. As nightmarish thoughts began to plague him once again, he concluded that the universe must enjoy his suffering.