Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

your name is david. you're a camp counselor at camp campbell and you love your job! you're really happy. a lot of people find your level of positivity to literally be impossible, but you just try your best to smile. people think you're happy all the time, but you're not. you really aren't. you have pretty low moods at times, but you're on meds and you've been doing better since meeting your newest co-counselor, daniel.

there's something about the blonde. you like him a whole lot. you find him to be very impressive. he's bilingual and cares about nutrition… a man after your own heart! you could never admit your feelings, though. you know from experience with your family it's better to keep quiet. you had a boyfriend once in high school and your parents took it pretty badly.

something was off though. daniel acted happy a lot, just like you. but you could tell it wasn't really genuine. he looked tired and beat up, and he'd swapped out his white t-shirt for one of the same color, but with long sleeves. needless to say you were getting pretty concerned. sometimes he’d leave during the night on sundays and come back the next day covered in red marks and bruises.

so when the opportunity came for you to find out what was going on, you took it. while he was out one sunday you looked around in his room a little. in a drawer you found all kinds of sharp objects with dried blood stained on them, which was already a warning sign. but then you found something under his bed.

a purple journal. of course you were curious. you didn't want to invade his privacy, but you did feel like you had to keep him safe, and the only way to do that was to know what was going on. you opened it up to the first page, and you were met with daniel’s neat handwriting. it was rather small, but not too minuscule to read.

past memories
childhood

the earliest memory i have of my life was when i was a young child. i was around three at the time, i believe. my mother and father had dressed me up in all white clothing, told me exactly how i was supposed to stand, and how to speak to the fellow members of my church. i didn't take it too seriously, as i was just a toddler. i had gotten dirt and mud splattered all over my clean shirt, and had forgotten to say please once. as punishment, my parents dragged me over to the stove and held my hands down on the unbearably hot metal until i shrieked and begged for them to stop.

they let go off me and tossed me off to the side. my palms were red, my skin was peeling. they did nothing as i whimpered and cried on the floor. it hurt so badly. i could barely even hold anything for a long while. if only i had known it would get worse.

i had become friends with some of the other children from my church. there was a girl named angie. she was my best friend. we would talk about the newest toys, and what games to play. we even considered getting married. then there was a boy; his name was adam. he was a pretty average kid, except for the fact that he wore black clothes over his usual required white attire. little did i know, that meant he was an executioner. and little did i know that angie was next on the list. her crime? skipping church practices. i realized that was the reason i never saw her during worship.

soon, my world fell apart. angie was killed during the night while i slept, completely oblivious to the screams of my young best friend. i later learned she didn't have a quick, easy death. they beat her until her bones snapped and she was left crying on the ground in a broken heap. then they struck her over the head until she bled out and died. i went to the spot where i last played with her and cried my eyes out. the people of the town stared at me, completely disgusted. i didn't understand why.

of course though, i learned. showing emotion is wrong. the only thing that matters is pleasing your god. this is why i hide everything; my existence is completely meaningless and my shameful emotions mean nothing to anyone. my parents punished me again. my father would hit me hard. i would just have to sit and take it. if i screamed and cried he would just do it again. soon i learned how to just deal with it until it was over.

it took a long while to recover from angie’s death. i had no one left to play with. i spent most of my time alone or learning in my school. the well behaved children in my school wanted nothing to do with me. they saw all the marks from the constant punishments i received and figured i was a filthy beast who didn't follow the word our god preached. i just let them think whatever they wanted. until one of the children had reported my unsightly bruises and i was removed from my school. that just ended in more punishments and more resentment from my community.

you shut the book and feel chills go down your spine. you hear daniel’s car approaching and you quickly throw the book back under the bed before scrambling out of the cabin. god, you felt so sick to your stomach after what you read. even if daniel didn't show up, you didn't think you could have endured much more of it. and you thought your family was bad.

sitting down on a bench, you decide to say that you were just waiting for daniel to come back. you cross your legs and try to look casual. you feel so disgusted with daniel’s parents and you honestly feel like crying. daniel didn't deserve any of that, and that was just the beginning.

when daniel got out of his car and stretched a bit, it took everything in you not to run and gather him up in your arms and hold him forever. instead you give him a quick hug and welcome him back. he gives a weak smile in return and walks into his cabin without a word. he appears to be limping and he's holding onto his stomach like he's about to be sick. you decide to leave him alone and go to your own cabin.

thinking about what you read made you so upset. you decide to just get into bed and lie down under your blankets, but that's not what happens. you curl up under your blankets, and without any warning tears flood your eyes and spill onto your cheeks. you hold onto your pillow and just cry silently until you fall asleep.

Chapter Text

you get out of a bed with a yawn, not feeling very refreshed. you check the time. 6:30 AM. you have half an hour before you have to wake the campers, and gwen probably. you knew daniel would already be up by now. he always got up at 5 AM sharp. you wondered why he did that but at this point you figured it was none of your business.

curious and slightly terrified to read more, you decide to see where daniel is at the moment. you look around his cabin first and don't see him there, but you wanted to be sure. you checked the mess hall and saw him making himself some tea.

“good morning david!” he greets you cheerfully. he squeezes a lemon carefully over his cup and takes a sip after exactly 5 drops of lemon juice splash into his cup. his eyes look so tired and dull. you feel sympathy in your heart and you give him a little sad look. he doesn't notice or just doesn't acknowledge it.

should you tell him that you saw his writing? you decide against it for now. “good morning daniel, do you mind keeping watch over the campers for a bit this morning? i have a bit of cleaning to do,” you lie carefully. he nods and gives you a thumbs up. you thank him and quickly rush back over to his cabin. he doesn't pay attention to which direction you go in.

you panic a little when you hear the door squeak as you open it, but daniel doesn't immediately come running so you figure you’re in the clear. you pull the book out from its hiding spot and open it to the page you stopped at.

past memories

teenage years

because of all the suffering i had endured, it was difficult to find a job. the only thing i had left to do was go to worship. i was eventually put into the adult’s group. it was much more serious than what i was used to, but i got the hang of it soon enough. it was a lot of sitting and standing mostly. on my first day i was told to stay a little bit later than the others. i wondered if it was something all new members attended or if it was just me. the man or woman in charge of the church at the time would be called the greatest one. our greatest one was male while i was attending. after our normal service he called me over and had me sit next to him. soon enough his hands were on me. he was touching me in places nobody had before. and his lips were on me. i still remember how frightening it was when he held me down and wouldn't let go even when i fought against him. he ruined me that day. every sunday afterwards i was scared to leave my house but my parents didn’t care. i didn’t tell them how i felt. they’d just beat me up again. after the first time it just got worse. i still have faint marks on my wrists from where he tied me down. i’d try my hardest to rip my hands out of the ropes that held my arms together but only succeed in making it hurt more as he took me. this would go on for weeks on end. i was beginning to get used to feeling his hands all over me. even though i didn’t want it i stopped protesting because there was nothing i could really do about it. i didn’t even scream when i felt him stab me for the first time. he left long scars down my back, turning my pale skin a violent red. i’d come home and immediately hide from my parents so i could clean up the blood without being yelled at. i got used to my legs being sore and not walking properly. all the sundays became the same. i almost felt numb to it, but then he started to put things inside of me and i would just scream and scream until he stabbed me in the throat. not enough to kill me but enough to shut me up for a while. i still have to go to my church on sundays. i still see him all the time and i hate it. i just want somebody to care

quietly you close the book again as you realized some words were smudged with tears. god, daniel was being raped and you had no idea. you felt so horrified for not realizing something was going on a long time ago. it all made sense now. the way he walked with a bit of a limp every monday morning. the bruises that sprouted up every week on his neck. the scars you’d seen one time on his back. you put a hand over your mouth in shock and curl up a little, unsure of what to do now. what were you supposed to say? just go up to daniel and be like “hey dude, i read your super personal journal and i found out you’re getting severely raped and abused by someone in your church!” you weren’t sure anymore.

Chapter Text

with a deep breath you open that purple book again and flip past the pages describing the horrible things that man had done to your daniel. you consider slamming the book shut and never reading it again until you see your name on one of the pages. curious, you decide to see what daniel had written about you.

present moments

i recently got a job at a summer camp called camp campbell. it’s the only place that would hire me and i needed a break from my community. i didn’t really care if they shunned me at this point because clearly they already had. there was a woman with red hair named gwen, i don’t think she likes me that much. she saw me and straight up hated me, but that’s fine. i’m not out here to make friends. i just need a break from my childhood home. i thought maybe i could go as far out as possible and just live in the wilderness like in the movies, but that’s not what happened. i probably wouldn’t be able to survive long anyways. not that i had that much of a will to live. shit, i sound like an edgy 13 year old girl who listens to mcr and cries over tyler joseph daily.
update: i think somebody likes me here. that overly enthusiastic guy named david. honestly he’s a little irritating but cute i guess. he has a nice singing voice and i don’t get why all the kids bash him when he tries to sing his silly little songs. sometimes i hear him sing to himself as he walks by and i find myself trying to listen. sometimes i think he looks at me a little too long and i’m kind of confused. what does he want with me? i’m not honestly sure what to do about him. he’s gonna fucking hurt me and i know it. everybody in my life did just that. even if he doesn't beat me down, i still will worry for him. the one good person in my life was angie, and she's already in her grave. so young, and already buried. maybe i can trust david, but should i even take that risk?

update 2: something new happened today. he noticed the scars down my back and asked me about them. when i wouldn't tell, he didn't force me. he just sat with me for a while. it was… nice. but i’m worried about david. i’ve gone in his cabin once and i found some antidepressants. at this point i wouldn’t be surprised if he was just pretending to be so happy so nobody would worry about him. he’s pretty similar to me. sometimes he comes and asks me if i’m okay. even though i lie to him, i think he’s a really sweet guy. i’m beginning to trust him. i think i might let him read this one day, but i don’t want to be too optimistic.

update 3: somebody found my book. i don’t know who read it but i saw fingerprints on my book. i’m so scared now. who read it? and how much do they know now?

update 4: i have a suspect. please, don't let it be who i think it is. he probably thinks i’m insane and disgusting at this point. he’s right anyways; why am i even worried? i am disgusting and i can feel anxiety clawing at my mind. i’ve been trying everything i can get my hands on to stop it, i just want this over. drugs, alcohol, all of that are being constantly shoved into my system. they mask the pain for a while, but it never fucking works. i just want to be goddamn dead. let me be dead. let me be dead.

oh shoot. daniel noticed someone was reading, and if he finds out it’s you it’ll probably ruin him. substance abuse, suicidal thoughts… you felt so scared for him. the way he described you, it seems like you were the only person he trusted, and you totally just broke that. you’re so caught up in your thoughts that you just sit there as daniel comes in the cabin.

you can’t describe the look of horror on his face when he sees you have his book in your hands. it was honestly kind of terrifying to see someone like him make a face like that. you drop the book and give him an apologetic look in response. he doesn’t say anything, but he sighs and covers his face with his hands. you can see his shoulders shake and you decide you have to do something about it.

you stand up for a minute before rushing to the blonde’s side. you quickly wrap your arms around him and pull him into you protectively. he looks up at you in surprise, and you can see a few tears in his light blue eyes. he looks so vulnerable and scared. he leans into your embrace a bit but doesn’t hug back much.

“david? why did you read my book?” he asks you, his voice small and timid. you don’t know what to say, but you try to think of some logical explanation. daniel looked like a young child at this point. you feel like you have to protect him. and you’ll try your damn hardest to do that. he doesn’t ask again, he just waits and you feel like you have to say something.

you let out a loud exhale before you look him in the eye. “look, daniel, i’m sorry for reading it. it wasn’t any of my business, but i was worried about you. i noticed that you seemed sad and i wanted to help… i shouldn’t have done that though. that was wrong. daniel, i’m so very sorry for what i did… i didn’t know what was in there would be so personal.”

daniel looks away and shrugs. “i guess it’s okay… how much do you know?” he questions, now visibly on edge. you tell him that you read all of it and he flinches, looking down to the floor. he fiddles with the watch around his wrist and you suddenly feel suspicious of something. you hold his arm for a moment and he tries to pull it out of your grip, but you don’t let him.

his sleeve shifts a bit and you see red marks on his wrist. you gently push up his sleeve and find more slashes of red all over his pale skin. you hold back a gasp and give him a sad look. he looks ashamed of himself and tries to hide his arm again but you just hold his hand. “daniel... did you do this to yourself?” you ask and he doesn’t say anything. you didn’t know why you bothered to ask; you already knew.

“i’m sorry, david. my emotions don't matter and drawing attention to myself is wrong. i’ll try harder next time to stay quiet,” daniel finally responds. you just shake your head and gently move your hand up, intertwining your fingers with his pale ones. you try not to cry. not now, not when daniel needs you most. you manage to hold back the tears for a moment before the floodgates open and you find yourself sobbing. you pull him back in for another embrace, and you can feel him tremble. he’s terrified.

you hold him close, and you make sure you look him right in the eye. “that is so fucking untrue, daniel. emotions are normal, okay? normal. and you need help! you need help dealing with these emotions!” you explain, desperately trying to reason with him. “please, i don’t want you hurting yourself anymore. i don't want to see you get high or drunk because you can't handle those feelings. come talk to me! i’ll do anything!” david begged. “anything that prevents you from doing this…”

he looks at you, then breaks the eye contact and stares at the ground. he is clearly overwhelmed at this point, he looks like he wants to be left alone. you can't leave him. “please. please, listen to me. talk to me. anything you need to say, i’m here to listen. get it all out. i’m here.” daniel hesitantly moves his arms and lightly wraps them around you, unsure of what to do. he sighs and finally relaxes, his head falls onto your shoulder and he holds onto you tight.

“david… i… don't know what to say…” daniel chokes out, his hands grasping onto the fabric of your shirt. he clings to you like his life depends on it. “i want to talk but… i can’t trust you. please don't take it personally. i can’t trust anyone anymore.” daniel’s grip loosens and he pulls away, sitting down on his bed. you sit next to him, crossing your legs.

you feel that rush of protectiveness again and you put a hand on his cheek, softly stroking his smooth, cold skin. “i understand. so many things happened to you… it would be so hard to trust after that. you didn’t deserve any of that. i’m so sorry, daniel. i am. but i want you to trust me. please, daniel, i know you don’t think anyone cares, but i do. i do! i care so much, daniel!” you exclaim, raising your voice a bit. you immediately quiet down, not trying to scare him.

suddenly he finally seems to believe you. he holds you again, and his hands are cold. it’s something you feel you’ll get used to.

-end-