Chapter Text
Steve knew it had been a rough couple of weeks for Tony. No one could deny that, and while he knew that it wasn’t his fault, Steve couldn’t help but feel like it was.
Just over two weeks ago, he had gone on a small mission with Natasha and Clint. It was supposed to just be a recon mission. He was a last minute substitution for Steve when they realized they weren’t going to be able to get all the information back to the tower, so they needed someone to be able to figure out what was the most important stuff to grab, and quickly. Being it scientific information, Tony was the obvious choice, as no one wanted to run the risk of bringing Bruce and having the Hulk show up as well. Since Steve was originally the one doing the actual information extraction, he was the one who got benched, and while he wasn’t particularly thrilled about it, he didn’t fight it, thinking it was going to be an easy mission
Maybe he should have fought it. Maybe it would be him suffering instead of Tony.
They hadn’t been expecting the lead scientist to be able to fight. He hid in the corner while Tony was looking at the data, out of his suit, trying to figure out what was important, when the scientist jumped him, hitting him over the head, causing Tony to collapse. He was able to call the other two on the earpiece, just as the scientist injected Tony with something. Natasha and Clint rushed in to see their teammate in the middle of a panic attack. As soon as Natasha had calmed him down, and Clint grabbed whatever data he could get his hands on, they were out of there.
The entire ride back, Tony was on edge. No matter how much he and Nat tried doing breathing exercises, or drinking water, or thinking good thoughts, he couldn’t stop shaking. Worrying. Racing. Even in the great time that Clint was able to fly them back to the tower, Tony still had another panic attack and was on the verge of another one by the time they had landed. Tony was so out of it, he didn’t even put up his usual fight about going to medical.
Unfortunately, medical wasn’t able to do much. They were able to tell that Tony had a concussion and that the serum that was injection wasn’t fatal, but was affecting his heart and sympathetic nervous system, mostly causing heart palpitations that his body was processing as panic attacks. Steve learned then that the sympathetic nervous system controlled arousal, or people’s fight or flight response, which explained the panic attacks. Medical assumed that his body was responding that way because he already had anxiety, so it was his body’s natural response. While they were able to figure out what the serum was affecting, that’s all medical could do. They had no idea how to stop it, or how long it would last.
The best they could recommend was what they would recommend to anyone who is trying to take care of their heart, none of which Tony was happy with, or even good at. Avoid unnecessary stress on the body, including no heavy physical activity and getting enough sleep. Cut out caffeine and alcohol. Stay hydrated and eat well. Practice relaxation techniques, such as yoga and aromatherapy.
Yeah, Steve wasn’t wrong in thinking that wasn’t going to go well.
It’s been over two weeks since the mission, and every single day, without fail, he has had multiple panic attacks a day. Some were connected to when he did something he knew wouldn’t be a good idea, like have a cup of coffee, but many seemed to be completely random. One morning while Tony was making breakfast for himself, Steve watched as he went from seemingly content, to the hyperventilating out of nowhere.
It was one of the only ones that Steve had actually seen, as it was one of the only ones Tony had in front of the entire team. He wasn’t sure if he was glad that he didn’t see the majority of them, or if he was hurt by it. It’s not that he wanted to see Tony in pain, but it was starting to feel like he was avoiding Steve. They were on good terms before the incident and were close. Steve was even starting to develop feelings for the genius, not that he would ever admit it.
So it hurt that Tony didn’t seem to find comfort in being with him. Steve supposed that he shouldn’t take it as avoidance though. Tony was spending more time with Bruce and Natasha, which made a lot of sense in Steve’s mind. Bruce was the king of staying relaxed, so he was likely helping Tony with that, but when the panic attacks did hit, Nat was able to sit with him and help him through it.
They were originally going to talk to Pepper or Rhodey to come by and help, but Tony had vetoed those pretty hard, saying Pepper would just make him think of the company, which would stress him out, and Rhodey was across seas, and Tony didn’t want him bothered. So Nat just started to hang around Bruce and Tony a lot during this period, just to make sure Bruce doesn’t get stressed by Tony, and that Tony takes care of himself.
It’s not like Steve was jealous or anything, that Nat was spending so much time with Tony. Steve had originally tried to be that person for Tony at the beginning of the week, but Tony seemed to not want to spend extended periods of time around him anymore. It didn’t break his heart a little bit every time Tony left the room as a way to seemingly avoid Steve. It didn’t, he swears. Steve wasn’t even sure if he could handle Tony having a panic attack if it were just the two of them.
The one good thing was that they seemed to be happening less frequently as the week went on, at least according to Bruce. Instead of 9 or 10 a day, it had gone down to only 3 or 4, which was still a lot, but an improvement. The problem though, was that they were starting to take a heavy toll on his body. They weren’t completely sure if the panic attacks were happening less frequently because the serum was actually starting to wear off, or because Tony’s body physically couldn’t handle them anymore, and he was just always too exhausted to have his heart rate up that fast.
It was worrying though, because as strong as Tony was, his heart was another story. He already had the arc reactor protecting it, and Tony wasn’t exactly nice to it, with the amount of caffeine and alcohol and stress he put his heart through. So while no one would say his heart was weak, it was definitely vulnerable, and the panic attacks were doing it no favors. Apparently, Bruce and the rest of the medical team were seriously thinking about putting him on bed rest until the serum seemed to be completely out of his system.
But Tony seemed to be getting better. He was tired a lot, sure, but he wasn’t holing up in the lab or his room with Bruce and Nat anymore. He didn’t seem as jumpy in general and was able to feel a panic attack coming, and would leave and do his breathing exercises to get him through them, and then come back and join the group as best he could. He was even starting to go back to some of his bad habits again, even though everyone always tried to stop him. And he was starting to talk to Steve again, which was what made Steve the happiest. Tony just made Steve happy.
That is, except when he scares Steve.
They had been watching a movie in the communal living room when it happened. It was just the two of them left in the tower. Tony was lounging on the couch, while Steve sat in an armchair situated close to said couch. Tony was fine; he really was as far as Steve could tell. He had one panic attack in the morning, and it was already mid-afternoon and another one was nowhere to be seen.
“Tony, are you okay?” Steve asked as soon as he heard the sound of heavy breathing coming from the couch.
“I’m fine,” Tony responded, though Steve knew he was lying as he sat up straight on the couch, feet now on the floor instead of on the couch, obviously trying to work on his breathing. Steve got up and crouched in front of Tony.
“Is there anything you need me to do?” Tony shook his head, though he was starting to visibly shake. Steve reached for the blanket that he had been using and wrapped it around Tony, before he grabbed each of Tony’s hands, and was happy when Tony didn’t fight it. Steve racked his brain, trying to remember what Nat had done the few other times he had seen Tony have a panic attack.
“Okay, um,” Steve thought, “just, try and breathe with me. Okay? Can you do that?”
Tony, still shaking, nodded a little, as he tried to follow Steve’s breathing. This lasted less than a minute, as Tony started to hyperventilate, and tried to curl into a ball, pulling away from Steve.
“No, don’t do that,” Steve said, trying to keep Tony focused. Steve tried to keep their hands together, but Tony was actively pulling them away now. He wasn’t sure, but this one was definitely starting to seem a lot more severe than the other panic attacks he had seen, with Tony starting to beg Steve.
“Please, let me go. Please please pleasepleaseplease,” Tony whimpered, still trying to tug away.
“Hey, you’re okay. Nothing bad is going to happen. You’re having a panic attack, but it’s going to be over soon, just try and breathe.”
Steve’s words seemed to fall on deaf ears, as Tony was now fighting to break loose of Steve’s grip, so Steve let go, letting Tony curl into a hyperventilating, shaking ball. Steve ran his hand up and down Tony’s back, giving him encouraging words when JARVIS spoke up.
“Captain Rogers,” was all the AI said initially.
“What’s up JARVIS?” Steve responded, as he continued to try and comfort Tony while glancing up at the ceiling.
“I’m afraid that Sir is in danger of severely damaging his arc reactor.” Steve shot a look at Tony, sighing in relief when he didn’t seem to have heard what the AI said.
“What are you talking about JARVIS?”
“The arc reactor cannot handle the intensity level of Sir’s panic attack, and I fear that it will be permanently damaged if it continues much longer at this level.”
Steve sighed.
“What can I do then to stop that from happening?”
“The arc reactor needs to be removed from Sir’s chest for the remainder of his panic attack.”
Tony did hear that and proceeded to freak out even more than he was.
“No!” Tony shouted, now moving away from Steve, “No no no no nonononono.”
“Tony, it’s okay. Please don’t freak out,” Steve begged. “Is there anything else we can do JARVIS?”
“I am afraid there is not, as there is no backup chest piece for Sir if the current one gets damaged, and he will not be able to survive without it for more than 30 minutes without being rushed to the hospital. Removing the arc reactor is the best and only option.”
Steve wanted to cry. He knew he would be hurting Tony by doing this, but if it meant Tony not dying, he didn’t really see what other choices he had.
“Okay,” Steve said, as he moved toward Tony who was now on the other end of the couch.
“Tony, I need you to listen to me,” Steve said, reaching for Tony’s hands. Tony tried to fight, but Steve fought to this time and was able to grasp both of Tony’s wrists.
“Please no! Get off me! Leave me alone!” Tony thrashed, trying to get Steve off and away from him by any means necessary. Steve pinned Tony’s wrists to the armrest and used Tony kicking as an opportunity to pin them down as well with his body. He now had Tony pinned down, horizontal on the couch. Steve was sitting on his hips, using his calves and feet to pin Tony’s thighs down, and his wrists pinned right above his head. In another situation, Steve would have been happy to be in this position, but with Tony still flailing and begging Steve not to touch the arc reactor, he was wishing he were anywhere else.
“Tony, stop thrashing, please,” Steve pleaded, trying to get Tony’s wrists pinned with one hand, so he could take out the arc reactor with the other, but Tony was relentless.
“Please! Leave it alone, IT’S NOT YOURS!”
Tony was screaming at this point, begging him not to touch the arc reactor.
“Captain,” JARVIS interrupted, “the arc reactor must come out in the next minute or it will be permanently damaged.”
Steve wanted to cry. He hated being in this position. Having to further traumatize Tony in order to keep him alive. It wasn’t fair, but life tended not to be towards either him or Tony.
“I’m so sorry Tony. I promise this will be over soon,” Steve started to say, on the verge of tears while Tony continued to scream and beg, as he reached under Tony’s shirt in order to take the arc reactor out. “As soon as this is over I’ll put it back in. I promise. I don’t want to do this I swear, but it’s for your own good.”
When Steve finally pulled the reactor out, Tony let out a blood-curdling scream that caused Steve to flinch, putting the arc reactor on the coffee table in front of the couch.
“NOOOOOO! PUT IT BACK! STEVE I TRUSTED YOU!” Tony screamed through sobs, which finally made Steve break
“I can’t Tony, I’m so sorry. You need to breathe though. It’ll be over soon and I can put the arc reactor back in once you are breathing normally again. Can you breathe with me Tony? Please?”
Tony was having none of that though. He continued to scream, begging for Steve to put the arc reactor back in, wondering what he did wrong.
“PLEASE I’m sorry- please just give it back,” Tony sobbed, “I’m sorry for whatever I did. I’ll fix it I promise just please give it back- it’s mine.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong Tony, please. You don’t need to apologize-“
“I’M SORRY. Please just stop hurting me!”
“I’m not trying to I swear, I j-“
“GIVE IT BACK!”
“I can’t. Please just breathe with me please, it’ll be over so-“
“I LOVED YOU STEVE! I’M SORRY! I JUST WANTED YOU TO LOVE ME TOO! PLEASE STOP HURTING ME FOR THAT!”
And that stopped Steve. Tony, loved him? What? Since when? Steve quickly snapped back to reality, going back to trying to get Tony calmed down.
“Tony, I love you too. I promise I want this over just as badly as you do, but I need you to breathe.” As he said this, Steve started to do the breathing that he wanted Tony to do, hoping that the man under him would follow suit. For a minute, Tony continued to sob and beg, still hyperventilating and shaking, which was starting to worry Steve, but soon, Tony started to follow suit on the breathing.
As Tony’s breathing started to turn normal, and he wasn’t shaking anymore, Steve slowly let go of him, giving Tony the freedom to sit up and look at Steve face to face as equals, instead of underneath him.
After a few minutes of just silent breathing, JARVIS finally spoke again.
“Sir, it is okay for you to now put the arc reactor back in place.”
“Thank you, JARVIS,” Tony mumbled, grabbing the chest piece off the table, and pulling his shirt up to properly place it back in.
The two of them sat in silence for what seemed like forever, neither quite knowing what to say. Finally, as Tony got up, Steve finally started to talk.
“Tony, I-“ Steve started to say before Tony abruptly cut him off
“Fuck off Rogers,” he said, leaving Steve looking dumbfound and completely confused in the living room.
After a moment, it finally hit Steve.
Tony has said he loved Steve.
Loved, as in past tense.
And that was the nail in the coffin of Steve’s heart.
Did Steve ruin his relationship with Tony without it even ever really developing?
Was he never going to get the chance to be with the man he loved because he had to traumatize him in order to keep him from dying?
Had Steve made the right choice?