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Cas couldn’t help himself. He really couldn't. Not when it came to falling helplessly and completely head over heels in love with him. Not when Dean is the way that he is . Not when he was the man he used to be and the man he’s going to be. Not when everyone seemed to be against them. Not then. Not Now. Not ever. God, Cas could never.
He still remembers, so clearly- a little too clearly- the first time he saw Dean. The panicky yet calm thought of 'Is it a sin? Is it a sin if I just saw the most beautiful creation in all of everything, and it was a man?' was the first to surface his brain- well after internally complementing every physical feature about the man.
He can remember thinking the same thing when he started learning everything about Dean. Cas would wonder and ponder the silent yet deafening thought of 'Is it a sin that his soul, his heart, his brain is still so much more beautiful than anything that ever existed? Is it a sin father, if he is a man but every atom in his body is pure and strong and beautiful?'
It wasn’t too soon after that, that Cas became all the way encapsulated in him, and stopped asking what was pure and what was not, because if God didn’t like it then why did he send me you and why did he create us both if he knew that our separate entities were going to inevitably become one?
So once he started to answer his own questions with freedom and love rather than signs of God’s approval, he could never, ever help falling in love with him. It was effortless and he showed Cas all of his love, all of the time. He understood Cas, like really understood him and more than that, Castiel understood him. Not very many people did. They didn’t see Dean in the unfiltered way that he does. They weren’t made for him the way that Cas was.
So even when they got into pointless arguments about pointless people and pointless things, he was always able to understand exactly where Dean stood, even if it ripped him apart and even if anger seemed to cloud over it at times. They were made to get tangled in anger just for love to unravel them again. Their love so strong that it sometimes made their eyes water and toes curl.
There was this one time, a year ago, when Dean and Cas found themselves in a particularly nasty fight. It wasn’t physical, never physical, but it hurt all the same.
Cas remembers screaming at Dean which lead to Dean punching a picture frame that was, unfortunately for it, right in Deans line of fire. A bloody knuckle or two later, Dean had packed his duffle and left in his Impala without a single glance back. Cas crumpled onto the floor, head in hands- one of which was slit open from a particularly nasty shard of flying glass. Dean hadn’t seen his bleeding hand otherwise Cas was sure he never would have left.
He convinced himself that Dean was gone for good. He would go live with Sam, get some job as some amazing mechanic, meet an interesting, yet sophisticated young woman, move out of his and Sam’s place, get married, have a couple of kids. Completely forget about the life, the man, the future he left behind.
The thought of a future without Dean sent Cas into a sad and lonely state. Cas had thrown his phone against the wall and watched it crack all over before sitting on their cold and hard kitchen floor just... crying. Several pathetic hours passed before Cas called it a night.
He ended up on the couch where he stayed for three wallowing days. The fight was bad but being without Dean was downright unbearable. Without him, the bed was too big and so was the kitchen and the bathroom and the living room and the balcony and everything that Cas and Dean had ever remotely shared. The couch though, seemed like a perfect fit for Castiel, where he stayed rolled over, clicker in hand. His time was occupied by a blank stare that was fixed on the T.V. like a robot; unable to comprehend any information or pictures that took up the perimeter of the box.
He was numb and sad, so sad. Maybe I’ll get over it. Maybe if I move to France and learn a new language and get a new name and wear different clothes and dye my hair. Maybe if I destroy everything that reminds me of him. Even yourself? I might.
It wasn’t until the third day that Cas actually got up for something more than a bathroom break or the occasional gather of food. He needed to clean up the pile of glass before he forgot about it in that swirling head of his and bled some more. Upon seeing it, it made his eyes swell with two and a half days of unshed tears.
In only grey sweats that Cas was sure were Deans at some point, he crouched down to the mess with a broom and dustpan in both hands. He gazed at the picture that was lying under a pile of broken glass. It was a picture of the couple in a forest, on one of their favorite hiking trails. Both men were backpack clad and equipped with the appropriate apparel for their 3 mile journey.
Dean had his arm around Cas' shoulders as he kissed the top of his head. Cas' arm was wound around Deans waist as he sported a particularly big, squinty smile. He remembers the moment the picture was taken exactly.
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The couple had been 2 miles into their hike when they ran into an elderly duo who was coming from the other way.
"Babe, wait here. I'm gonna ask if they can take our picture. You look so freakin' cute right now," Dean said before jogging off, leaving Cas to fondly shake his head and smile that smile that only Dean could prevoke.
Dean came back only a moment later with the elderly man and woman in tow, obviously having charmed both of them into an easy picture.
They smiled at the two boys before holding up the camera, waiting for Dean to walk back to Cas.
"What do you want to do?" asked Dean.
"Hey, I'm not the one who asked for a picture," Cas said with the same grin from earlier on his face. Dean just smiled and pulled Cas into his side, Cas automatically putting his own arm around Deans waist.
He smiled a very genuine smile waiting for the click of the camera. At the very last second, Dean quickly kissed the top of his head, which obviously, only caused Cas to smile larger as he laughed. He couldn't deny that he felt absolute butterflies when Dean did that though.
"Idiot," Cas said to Dean and he walked towards the couple and thanked them.
"You know you love me," Dean said with open arms and a very sure look on his face.
And we'll Cas couldn't deny that either.
The tiny click of a lock jolted Cas from the memory, making him jump slightly. Shit, I didn’t even think to lock it when Dean left.
Or maybe he was secretly hoping that Dean would storm back in and take him in his arms.
Cas turned around to face the intruder and was met with a Dean that looked just as sad and tired as Cas. Don’t get your hopes up. He’s just grabbing his things, Cas had thought. The thought provoked a few more tears that slid silently down his sticky, already tear stained cheeks.
Cas folded his arms and shifted his weight onto both feet feeling small and unsure. He looked around as he asked, “Are you here to get the um… rest of your things?”
Dean actually looked shocked. And hurt. And sad and tired and lonely but that only made two of them. Deans eyes darted from the shattered picture frame to the broken phone before peering back into Cas' eyes.
Tears rolled down Deans cheeks as he shook his head. “No,” he said softly.
“No baby,” he said a touch louder as his head continued shaking. He walked over to Cas with great stride before wrapping his arms around Cas’ shaky frame, pulling him close and away from the glass. God, I missed this. And damn did he ever. He loved the feeling of Deans arms, the way Dean rested his chin atop the others head.
“I’m so freakin’ sorry babe. I’m such an idiot,” Dean said, placing a firm kiss in Cas’ hair. God, I love you more than anything.
Cas pulled back, placing his hands on Deans shoulders and making complete eye contact with the taller man. My favorite shade of green. “Me too babe. Fuck, me too,” Cas started before slotting Deans face between both of his hands. A complete look of seriousness took over the desperate plea of apologies that was present just a moment ago.
“Don’t ever leave me again. Never let me let you leave again,” Cas said seeking confirmation through tears that Dean would stay by his side. Confirmation wasn’t really necessary though because they were made to get tangled in anger just for love to unravel them again. Our love so strong that it makes out eyes water and toes curl.
“Never again baby, never again,”
They only held onto each other tighter. The action spoke for both men and they fell just a little bit more in love that day.
So, when Cas says that he couldn’t help falling in love with Dean, he meant it. With all of his heart he meant it because Dean is his best friend and his boyfriend and his soulmate and he answered all of Cas' prayers when he gives Cas that look, or that smile that's reserved only for Cas. When he tells Cas he loves him, Cas knows exactly how much and when he says goodbye, Cas knows he wants to stay.
I can’t help falling in love with you. Not at all.