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Phil was then grabbing me close in a hug, his head buried in my neck as we stood in the kitchen, my arms wrapped round his thin body. I knew he was crying just by the way his shoulders wobbled.
Dan’s POV
Sometimes, Phil seemed so strong and indestructible. His cheeriness, creativity and quirky take on life seemed to know no bounds, his worst days were when he had a blocked nose, his best days he could probably create a whole Netflix series of an epic comedy-horror based on a dream he had. But sometimes, he showed the cracks in his shield, the less polished areas of his armour. I’d be running late home from a generic appointment across town, my phone would inconveniently be out of battery and I’d walk through the flat. Phil would raise up from the sofa, clearly stressed and he’d start yelling about not knowing what was going on. He wasn’t an abusive, control-freak boyfriend. But all the same, he’d be yelling about needing to make sure I had enough charge so I could text him back, or else call just before I lost battery so he’d know. He would get just as touchy if I drank more than him and he couldn’t control my recklessness. He’d yell about it the following day when we’d got over our hangovers.
When I had got home from meeting Prince William at the cyber bullying campaign, I’d forgotten to call Phil to let him know I was coming home a couple hours later than planned. He was pacing the kitchen and immediately the shouting began. “Dan! What the hell! You’re two hours late!” He yelled, crossing his arms and I sighed, stepping towards him.
“I’m sorry. It was a hectic day. The schedule was very vague because of the Prince. I’m fine!” I reassured him, and he shook his head.
“Fucking reply to my texts then!” He barked loudly, very agitated still but I didn’t let it upset me. He was then grabbing me close in a hug, his head buried in my neck as we stood in the kitchen, my arms wrapped round his thin body. I knew he was crying just by the way his shoulders wobbled.
“Phil. I’m right here. Right. Here.” I promised him seriously, and he squeezed me tighter in response, inhaling and exhaling tearfully as he pulled away, sobbing as we went to the sofa. I held him close to me again, his nose nuzzled into my neck as I held him practically like a baby to my chest, just letting him calm down. He was bawling his eyes out, body shaking with the strength of his sobs, and he wouldn’t lessen the iron grip his arms had on me. I felt guilty each and every time I triggered his more intense, and specific anxiety. He’d been pretty much traumatised when his best friend died in a car accident when getting a taxi from York city centre to their place. He’d even been on antidepressants because of his depression during those months but after that time had passed, he just had an intense ‘need to know’ thing with certain people, most notably me, his family, and people like Cornelia, Bryony and so on. He was crying painfully but quietly now, making odd, straining gulps as he tried to speak.
“Ssh. It’s fine. Take your time.” I reassured him, and he coughed dryly, shaking his head as he managed to speak coherently.
“I need to know Dan.” He muttered shakily but predictably, leaning back into me and still tightly holding me. I kissed his forehead.
“I know. I’m sorry.” I urged, and I meant what I said. Phil wiped his eyes and he hugged me warmly once again.
“I’m sorry I shouted. I know you’re always gonna be okay. I just-“ He started to apologise but I put my finger to his lips as politely as I could.
“It’s absolutely understandable. Yeah I will be coming home safe and sound but you learnt the hard way that doesn’t always happen.” I murmured and Phil nodded softly, unable to disagree and I sighed, kissing his hand as I held it in mine.
“I love you. Don’t worry about worrying. I’m sorry I let you down today but you can let yourself relax now okay?” I reassured him, stroking his jet black hair and he nodded sleepily, exhausted all of a sudden as the adrenaline rush passed.
“I love you too. Thank you for not being angry.” Phil said with a yawn, rubbing his bloodshot eyes and I smiled, bringing him close for a cuddle as I put on The Good Place, ready for a quick Netflix binge with Phil cuddled up to me. I knew there would inevitably be days to come where I failed him again, but holding him in my arms, feeling how he grew less quivery with every minute that passed since he’d seen me arrive safely, it reminded me how lucky I was, in a sense, to have someone care about me and how important it was to support one another.
fin
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