Archive of Our Own ^beta

Stevie

Hey it’s Patrick, David gave me your number because he says you’ll be by later to pick something up
hey

cool

thx

is around noon ok to come by

Absolutely!!! I'll be here waiting! ;)

do you always text like a soccer mom or

I regretted the winky face the second I hit send

good

now you can stew in that regret for the entirety of our relationship

Don't tell David I assaulted you with inappropriate use of emoticons

already sent him a screenshot with the caption "break up with him"

I deserve that

Stevie

realized i have no idea when you guys actually open because david leaves at a different time every morning
Hahaha
9 am, but David’s always treated hours like a suggestion rather than a hard and fast rule
He’s usually in by 9:30 to be fair
ok i’m coming by this morning
i’m addicted to those dumb kale things you guys carry but i don’t want david to know about it
Your secret is safe with me
And our receipt drawer
Today 10:57 AM
Here’s the link to the rest of the gummy bear reviews: here
omg
yes
thx
this is exactly what I need for my next desk shift
I feel like that could be dangerous u know me i live on the edge
You and your kale chips
Hardcore

Stevie

hey so i just wanted to explain a little more abt the whole jake thing
i did NOT mean for that awkward encounter at my apt to happen
I figured that whole exchange was probably not your goal
Unless it was some form of kinky embarrassment-based foreplay
Not to shame you or anything
oh god, imagine
u would have every right to shame away
but no
that was not my plan
i uh
i didn’t want to fuck anything up for you and david
Well, we had to talk definitely
abt how scummy a friend i am
likely
Mostly it was just a painful dissection of my insecurities that I had been hoping to keep hidden for at least another 3-5 months
shit
patrick
u have to know
david got over jake in a fucking heartbeat
not just saying this to make myself sound better
but i swear to god whatever crush david had
is nothing to the disgusting gross fucked up feelings he has for u
That’s… sweet
I think
I did my best not to sound like I had literally never been in a relationship before but I guess you win some, you lose some

Stevie

I mean, it wasn’t about measuring up to the exes, but it might have been a little bit about measuring up
i’m flattered
but just so you know
i’ve heard good things fyi
What
word on the street
is that you definitely
measure up
Today 11:19 PM
Jesus christ
Today 11:24 PM
Really?
yup
Okay
have you died of embarrassment yet
Stop getting off on this
don’t kinkshame me

Stevie

Today 1:42 PM
Where do you stand on beating up high school boys
i prefer standing ON the bodies of the teenage boys i’ve beaten up
if that answers your question
Perfect
If I can’t get David to get rid of the crowd of smelly youths by the end of today, I’m calling you in
u desperately want to call them hooligans don’t u
It's just the perfect word!!!
And David has this weird thing about them complimenting his outfits
Today 1:58 PM
ok so here’s what I think
david grew up with a lot of people telling him how great he is all the time
and i think he’s figured out that a lot of that was fake
and that waaaay fewer people than he thought actually believed he was cool
especially like Real People
high schoolers are cruel and rude and honest
them telling him he’s even part way cool is probably satisfying some weird empty hole in him
I would have chosen words that were not “weird”, “empty” or “hole”
But I guess that makes sense
and now he’s just got u me and alexis
and we generally trend towards teasing the shit out of him
in the end i think it’s better for him as a person
but probably less ego stroking than the olden days
Are you saying we should be nicer? Am I not complimenting him enough? noooo fucking way
ur boyfriend’s an asshole
he’s lucky to have us in his life
Today 2:08 PM
and u guys are gross enough as is
Today 2:13 PM
also sorry but ur not cool enough to have him take compliments from you about his clothes
Today 2:21 PM
do you even get his clothes most days?
Yeah, no
hard same

Stevie

Today 8:52 AM
Okay maybe this is the worst text I’ve ever sent but
David hasn’t texted me this morning so I just need to ask
Mrs. Rose is...alive, right?
omg yes
i saw the same tweets this morning
dont worry
i’ve seen her with my own two eyes
Oh thank god

Stevie

Today 12:57 PM
uh ok quick question
hypothetically
what would u do if there was tv crew outside ur place of work
Why would there be a TV crew outside the motel
Oh crap
Mrs. Rose
yeah
Have you told her yet?
not yet
not really sure how she's gonna take it
Going to take a stab in the dark at that one and say
Probably not well?
yeah
ok i'm headed over
i'll keep u updated
Today 1:43 PM
ok so
as expected: not good
i can still hear her screaming from next door
i think she's run through several wigs at least
i'll have to head back soon
she thinks i'm providing refreshments for the news truck
Oh man
Do you need backup?
I think Mrs. Rose is generally amenable to my existence
I did once talk her down from thinking she'd killed a man
Two heads might be better than one against a Rose?
David's in the middle of reorganizing a single display basket so he'll be busy for hours
He definitely wouldn't notice me leaving
ur kind for offering to throw yourself on this grenade but i think this may be best dealt with one on one
i just dont think shes considering that this is probably best case scenario
maybe the motel isn't the ideal backdrop for pulling a lazarus
its way more important that she control her own narrative about this
You’re right
That makes perfect sense to me
The question becomes can you convince her of that
You know her better than I do
welllllll
the thing is she and david are a lot alike
a lot
Ah
I assume my usual go to of letting him figure out that I was right all along but also letting him pretend it was his idea from the start won’t necessarily work
moira doesn’t do great with things like
thinking things through
or patience
So it sounds like you're going to have to just present it as appealingly as you can and hope she goes for it
that’s what i’m thinking
Well
Good luck
Godspeed
Etc etc
remember me fondly
or like
at least with a beer in my hand
I promise I won't let David commission anyone to create a bust of you in memorial
thank u
ur a true friend

Stevie

hey
are you actually any good at guitar
I see you and David have spoken
i think he is repressing his terror so hard that his organs might burst
so for his sake i hope the answer is yes
but like for straight up entertainment value
i hope the answer is no
I do okay
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxX-RdEcZMY ??
ohohohohoooo
you
do not suck
Don’t tell David?
of course not
watching him squirm about this is now fourteen times as delicious
My feelings exactly

Stevie

Today 2:32 PM
Hey what do you think David's weird thing about open mics is about
He's basically vibrating out of his skin whenever I see him
I mean I'm not helping by actively playing really poorly whenever he gets close
But still
ahahahaha
I mean I know he has a crippling fear of secondhand embarrassment but do you think that's all
also a hatred of improv
Right, right of course
Naturally
do u think he has a traumatic past experience with someone serenading him
Oh noooo
It's terrible that I'm laughing but I'm laughing
What song would they have chosen
wonderwall
i think some overly buff manchild must have whipped out a guitar once and told him that he'd learned a song for him
and then literally said the words "anyway, here's wonderwall"
and then butchered it in front of a LOT of people
and now david's traumatized
Oh poor David
He deserves so much better
ugh
im not going to charge you for exposing me to that little piece of sickeningly sweet sincerity
but fyi i just threw up in my mouth
Today 2:40 PM
in all honesty i think it's most likely due to the amount of times david has had to embarrass the shit out of himself to help his family
and he's just trying to figure out how best to protect u from urself
Oh
That's kind of sweet then actually
What degree do you think he'd be willing to go to in order to save me if I went up there and was awful?
murder tbh
Me? or himself?
everyone in the room probably
to prevent the news from getting out
I shouldn't find that as sweet as I do
no u shouldnt
but here u are
it's a real good thing ur as weird as david
Yeah I think so too :)
UGH
yeah for real just vomited a little
You're welcome :) :) :) :)
GROSS STOP
:)

Stevie

Today 9:36 PM
break a leg dude
Today 9:44 PM
i wanted to puke
that was disgusting
ly good
Haha
Thanks
also i recorded every embarrassing expression david made while watching it
You’re a goddess among women
vid in ur email
:)

Stevie

Today 9:29 AM
happy anniversary
this the funniest one yet tbh
I was particularly proud of the cookie
Just tacky enough
But I also know he’s going to inhale the whole thing given the slightest chance
well imo this one was the best because i got to personally deliver it in front of all of the roses
and embarrass the shit out of him
Ahahahaha
I’m so glad
I couldn’t have dreamed it better

Stevie

Today 3:13 PM
patrick
patrick
save me from grillmaster rose
On my way!
As soon as I can get David to stop futzing with the front display
so like see you three hours
I’ll tell him you’re in need and see if that does anything
Okay he saw your text
He says, “Ha ha” but in a tone that distinctly means he is not amused
perfect
nailed it
now pls come save me i might murder mr. rose

Stevie

Today 4:28 PM
So
I’m headed out
You can let David know I’m gone if he wants to come out
Today 4:34 PM
Also there should be a few more medium rare sliders for him if he wants more

Stevie

Today 11:28 PM
Hey Stevie, I’m sorry.
for what
For not telling David about Rachel
why are you apologizing to me
you should be apologizing to him
I have, I definitely have
He wants space and I get it
And it sucks
But I get it and I’m giving it to him
But I think you also deserve an apology
i’m listening
I came in to your best friend’s life
And I hurt him
And if I know you both the way I do, you’re going to be the one cleaning up my mess
Because you’d hate for me to say it but you are an incredible friend and person
And you don’t deserve having to fix something I shouldn’t have messed up
u messed up pretty bad
i know u care about him but
you are currently the reason he is wearing sunglasses indoors and talking to his mother’s wigs
getting him to trust u and then not living up to that is pretty shitty
especially if u care about him
I care about David a lot
And not telling him was definitely partially about hiding anything that could possibly make him want to break up with me
But it was mostly genuinely believing that that part of my life is no longer relevant to where I am now
I know I sound like every terrible boyfriend who has ever fucked up but I swear I’m not the same person I was before
I was deeply unhappy for a pretty long time and I didn’t know why
you don’t have to explain about rachel
I feel like I have to
here’s the thing patrick
you have found your way into a group of people who are all various shades of fucked up
i guess it’s a relief to know you’re a bit of a fuck up too
so no
u don’t have to explain everything about ur relationship with rachel
i assume u weren’t hiding things to be a bad guy
i mostly just assume u and david are not great with talking about the past
You assume correctly
We never talked about David’s past
I mean, except for you and Jake I guess
oh great
So I just assumed our pasts would be a conversation we’d have in the future
Maybe the far future
Like years from now
that was some serious wishful thinking
but i get it
in the end, i’m on ur side
not literally obviously
u fucked up like whoa
but on ur side because i think this relationship is the best thing for both of u
and i want u to both be happy
So does that mean if I text you to ask how he’s doing you might tell me?
depends
how often are u planning on texting me
I know the answer should be “every so often”
But I’m gonna be honest here
Like several times a day probably
then hard pass
nope
I…
Am not above begging at this point
ur a better person than this
I appreciate that
I’m not
But I appreciate that you believe that
Today 11:54 PM
...
So how is he
dont make me block u
Today 11:59 PM
he’s eaten 6 sliders
if he doesn’t survive i’ll let you know

Stevie

Hey, are you free later today? Want to grab dinner?
sorry i can’t
i’m taking david out
Today 9:43 AM
Oh
Okay
Good
That’s good.
ur so transparent
not OUT out
not to like a bar to find a new cute boyfriend to replace the old one
just on a little outing to get him out of bed
where he’s been wallowing for days
Oh!
Okay!
Good!
Not good that he’s wallowing, of course.
Good that he’s getting out!
and that he’s maybe missing you
No
Maybe
Fuck
Is there even a right answer here
One that doesn’t make me an asshole?
fuck if i know
the category of ‘things that make you an asshole’ encompasses literally everything i know and am
btw
u should also try getting out and about
the store doesn’t count
If I tell you that everything reminds me of David...
then i’m going to puke
BYE

Stevie

Did you sic the town on me?
Twyla just stopped by the store to ask me to come taste test something terrifying
And when I came by I got forcibly roped into lunch with Bob and Ronnie
was it mozzarella sticks
u know those are dangerous patrick
r u alive
r u ok
This isn’t grade school Stevie
I don’t need help making friends
no
but u do need help remembering u have some
Today 12:58 PM
You’re right
I’m sorry
Thank you
np

Stevie

so i’ve accidentally taken david on a honeymoon
What
the place we’re at thinks we’re here honeymooning
there’s a bathtub in the middle of the room
and there are a LOT of rose petals
so many flowers died for this
Very important:
Are there towel swans?
like at least five
Good
As we all know they are the most romantic of all of the birds
Also very important: is David dying?
he’s barely holding on
this much kitsch may just be too much for him
there are balloons patrick
many many balloons
Oh no
This may be the end
Tell David goodbye for me
tell him urself
u two need to start communicating again
He asked for space
I’m doing my best

Stevie

Today 8:50 PM
a giant weird sweater wearing birdie just told me that u two HAVE been texting
You knew that
Logistical texts
David needed me to take his shift at the store today
hmmmmmm
it seemed like more than just work texts from david’s face
and from the bottle of wine just delivered to our table
but sure ok
“logistical”
Okay
So
I may have used the opening to inquire about where you guys were going
mmhmm
that’s all
sure sure
Look
I am doing everything in my power to not be an asshole
But
I also really want my boyfriend back
Today 9:02 PM
Ugh
Am I going overboard?
Was it too much
nah
chill
the wine was a nice touch
plus
bonus for me: free alc
Today 9:16 PM
and
the card made him smile
Today 9:28 PM
stop being smug
I didn’t say anything!
ur smugness is deafening
and wipe off whatever dumb expression is now on your face
I’m not making a dumb expression
u are and u know it
now stop
it’s gross
You can’t even see me!
ur disgusting feelings are so obvious i can hear them from here
put them away
okay david’s about to come out of the bathroom
i’ll talk to u later
Today 9:39 PM
Hey
??
Have a great time tonight
You deserve it
gross
Today 9:44 PM
thx

Stevie

patrick
Yes?
have u resorted to bribery
Friday 9:21 AM
ur silence is telling
and so is the absolutely ridiculous box of chocolates i just signed for
It’s not bribery
It’s an olive branch
A gentle reminder
that ur a superior boyfriend?
No! Just something to cheer him up
And remind him that there’s someone thinking of him
and this has nothing to do with the fact that the first time david texted u first since the bbq was after u sent us that bottle of wine
I plead the fifth
I’m pretty sure the Constitution says I don’t have to incriminate myself for your entertainment
sure of course
whatever u want
i’ll just keep this reaction video i took of david getting the chocolates to myself then
...
This is cruel and unusual treatment
Possibly a violation of the Geneva Convention
would u believe that that is not the first time i’ve heard that from a man

Stevie

Friday 4:58 PM
ur boyfriend is very annoying
Not my boyfriend currently
But ok
i’m ignoring ur desperate cries for attention and instead prioritizing my own needs
which right now are complaining about the fact that without u and the store to take up all his time he is obnoxious and everywhere and i need him to go away
even twyla is getting annoyed with him being underfoot
god i can’t wait for u two to get back together
You can’t say that like you know it’s going to happen
David could decide it’s not worth it
Or that my lie of omission was too big a violation of his trust
This could be it Stevie
okay 1. i know everything and 2. trust me
How can I trust you when you lied about taking a video of David getting the chocolates
all i can say is
everything in life is a risk
suck it up buttercup
All right
Have fun entertaining David til the end of time with no help from me
oh fuck

Stevie

Saturday 5:20 PM
so
how are things
Things are fine
Why?
can’t a friend just inquire about the well-being of another friend
No because I am instantly made suspicious by such overt care and concern
What do you want?
so no one’s texted u today
or stopped by the store
No?
Was someone supposed to?
fuuuuck
okay nvm
bye
Wait is this about David
Was David supposed to come see me?
Why would David come see me?
Stevie?
You can’t just say that and then ignore me
Stevie
Stevie
STEVIE

Stevie

Sunday 9:55 AM
Stevie
He hasn’t texted me
Does this mean he’s just humoring me at this point by not flat out saying no?
It’s been a week now
ur overthinking this
That’s what I do
All I have is time at this point
i understand that u have mild to moderate sized baggage and that u sometimes need to talk things out to get ur shit together
but tbh i can’t field ur emotional bullshit at this precise moment
Oh
....Do you have emotional bullshit you would like me to field?
no
Sunday 10:03 AM
yes
why are men so WEIRD and hard to understand???
Well
We are socially groomed from a young age to ignore all emotions that aren’t rage?
So we become really terrible at expressing ourselves in any meaningful way?
And so our ability to communicate is intensely stunted?
So much so that we can’t even speak honestly to ourselves or the people we care about?
........
all right mr. i’ve-clearly-been-to-therapy
specifically i was referring to mr. rose
who gave me a truly dumb gift and now i think he’s telling me he wants me to change the way i look?
...
Oookay yeah I definitely cannot help you
are u saying i’m beyond help??
No!
I’m saying that I’ve only just barely managed to begin to scratch the surface of interpreting Rose-based insanity
I’m still an amateur
Mr. Rose is waaaay beyond my ability
yeah
i mean i work with him every day and i still can’t figure out half of what he means
this is a particularly mysterious wtf moment tho
Yeah, understandably so
Maybe ask David or Alexis?
They probably have more insight on him and his…
Quirks?
i mean
hopefully
they’ve only known the man their whole lives
But is that really enough time?
…tru
good idea
thx

Stevie

so david is wearing a very nice bracelet today
Is he?
Oh.
Good.
Today 11:10 AM
still no text?
Yeah
I think I should take the hint
And maybe actually give him the space he asked for a week ago
Jesus, no wonder he’s been ignoring me
Could I be any more pathetic?
hey
no
No, I couldn’t be more pathetic?
Maybe desperate is a better descriptor
shut up
stop
ur not pathetic and doing ur best to fix an important relationship is not desperate
it might not mean much but i really do know this is going to end up okay
Yeah maybe
Or maybe the fact that he hasn’t texted me in days is the only message he needs to send

Stevie

Today 11:52 AM
Okay I told him
what
David came back to the shop just now and I told him that he was right and we should just focus on the store and that I was sorry for not giving him space
….and what did he say?
He agreed, I guess
oh my god
What?
i swear to fucking god u are both such idiots
don’t talk to me until u two talk again
Wait why?
Stevie?
Oh c'mon

Stevie

Today 12:15 PM
Can you BELIEVE that David was waiting for more presents before getting back together???
yes
YES
!!!!!!!!
of course i can
ur boyfriend is an asshole
unless of course ur still pulling the “not technically my boyfriend right now” thing
Shut up and stop pretending like you don’t know we’ll be back together the second me holding this over his head stops being so entertaining and therapeutic
And did you know he wanted to get back together days ago??
of course i did!!!
apparently you two talk to no one else in this town ever
so i’ve been fielding your respective emotional bullshit like some drastically underpaid dr. phil!!!
jesus fuck i’ve wanted to kill both of u for days
just please don’t fuck up again so i never have to do this again
I promise
Today 12:21 PM
And thank you
Come down to the cafe, I’m here eating lunch
My treat
just you?
I’m letting David suffer and starve in retribution
Until he can figure out how to make it up to me
ur gonna end up buying him a sandwich aren’t u
Today 12:26 PM
Yeah probably
ur a sucker
Yeah
A sucker with a boyfriend! :)
ugh shut up before i make twyla force feed you mozzarella sticks in punishment
Shutting up :)
See you soon :)
:)!!!!!!!
GROSS
Today 12:32 PM
congrats on getting ur shit together tho
Thanks
For everything, Stevie
Seriously
yeah whatever
Today 12:35 PM
ur welcome

Stevie

Today 10:03 AM
Sometimes I forget that David might be an alien from an entirely different planet than the one we have called home our entire lives
what weird and bizarre thing has he done that clued u back into this fact
Just some random small town bullshit social rules, I guess?
He offered to “take care of” Jocelyn’s baby shower
1. haHA
2. i didn’t realize he was willing to put up money like tht for something related to his least favorite type of human
He didn’t realize he had to pay for it all
ahhhh
yeah that sounds like david
david was raised on planet rich
which is a world very unlike our own
we’re lucky we can even communicate w/ him
I don’t know if lucky is the word
He’s probably going to text you soon
Can you please make sure he doesn’t try to feed Jocelyn raw fish and alcohol?
This event is supposed to help promote the store and giving Jocelyn and her baby mercury poisoning seems counterproductive
Today 11:29 AM
i just googled it and man
i NEVER want to be pregnant
good job figuring out the gay thing
because man oh man fuck this shit
Now you’re making me curious
don’t do it patrick
don’t
let me throw myself on this grenade
Oh GOD
told u so
u did this to urself

Stevie

Today 6:35 PM
Okay, I take it back
I am as bad as David
omg
this could go SO many directions im so excited
We made it to Jocelyn’s for set up. David was getting to be…
obnoxious?
histrionic?
A lot.
So I kindly stepped in
You know, told Jocelyn to go relax, go get ready for the party, get dressed, make up etc etc
And of course... she was already ready.
ouchhhhh
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
david must be rubbing off on u
(ew gross dont)
but that kind of foot in mouth moment is Very Him
confirmed that ur meant 2 be i guess
Comforting to know that David and I will just slowly make each other worse at interacting with humans until there’s no one left who will speak to us
u’ll always have me
and by always i mean u’ll likely need to pay me in the future to keep hanging out with u losers
but out of respect for all those years we spent as kind of acquaintances i’ll keep the price low
You’re a generous soul, Stevie
We’ll remember you in our wills because you’ll likely be the only friend we have by the end
You and whatever ugly tiny dogs we end up adopting, probably

Stevie

Today 9:48 PM
so ‘sleepy mommy’ as a concept continues to remind me how truly different david is from us

and also a little concerned for whatever children you two end up having We have definitely not talked children
But whatever spawn makes it out into the world will likely have some issues
...God, David hasn’t mentioned children to you, right?
slow ur roll, children of any kind have not come up
but out of curiosity
are you pro- or anti- little tiny rose-brewers running around?
Honestly?
Not a clue
It was always a vague sketch of an idea for me, the same way my future’s always been faintly outlined in a way that’s made me nauseous to think about
considering that future meant u getting married to a lady -
a nice one, but still a lady
i don’t blame u
Right
But as he has with literally every part of my life, David’s changed everything
Whereas before my response would’ve been: sure? Kids? I’ll have kids. Sure.
Now it’s: man, we’ve got a lot to talk about if that’s the plan!
Which generally seems the more responsible way to go about parenthood anyway I guess
gross
responsibility
Agreed
Today 10:10 PM
So you gonna take your turn at Sleepy Mommy? of course
was just letting these losers build up their rhythm
they’ve got no chance
those soft cheeses are mine
God speed.
I want the brie if you win

Stevie

Today 8:01 AM
ok so
i’m not freaking out
Great way to start this conversation
shut up
i’m NOT freaking out
but i have a rash on my arms and it’s very itchy and very red and i have NO idea where it’s from
Jesus, are you going to a doctor?
i’ve been spending the morning setting up all the stuff for mr. rose’s rollout
it’s sort of just
appeared? idk
it hurts
Stevie, you absolutely need to go get it looked at
i have to finish setting up all these bathroom trays with the new shipment from you guys
And then you’re going home
there’s still a lot to do
Stevie
You being okay is more important than tiny shampoos
Please?
fine
ur genuine concern and care is making me feel even more ill
so i’ll leave right after this
Thank you
Today 9:03 AM
patrick
patrick
PATRICK
answer ur goddamn phone
Sorry! I was in a session!
What’s up?
Did you go to the doctor? What did they say?
mr. rose thinks this is from ur shipment of moisturizer
What???
No way
well i said the same thing but now we’re at the store and ur boyfriend ALSO has a mysterious rash
hello?
I just Facetimed David
Why isn’t he picking up?
probably because he looks like an actor playing a tragic burn victim from one of those forensic shows
WHAT
Is he okay??
he’s breathing patrick
now FOCUS
could this have been the moisturizer
I really don’t see how
No one’s had a reaction like this before
david said something about this being a new batch?
I guess it’s possible? But seriously unlikely
That stuff is made with literally everything all natural
Ugh
Tell David to pick up his phone
his dad’s yelling at him right now
david’s saying he sold a lot of this batch already
also just a heads up, mr. rose is telling him to lay off sucking faces with you
I swear to God
This whole family is designed to drive me insane
Could you take Mr. Rose away somewhere so David might actually pick up his phone?
I both need to make sure my boyfriend isn’t dying of some flesh eating disease and also make sure we track down this batch and talk to the vendor to figure out what’s going on
u dont seem particularly worried about me having a flesh eating disease
Well if I told you I was worried about you, you’d make fun of me
tru
ok fine we’re leaving
remember no sucking face with ur bf even virtually
we don’t know how this thing spreads
Shut up
You’re the worst
and yet somehow ur still worried about me u loser

Stevie

David refuses to Facetime me or send me a picture of the rash
i guess he wants you to remember him as he was
Stevie
NOT funny
What if it’s serious? I can’t even help figure out what it is without a picture
it’s a little funny
and no worries
i totally snapped a pic of him before i left
there i just posted it in the group chat
Why in that chat and not here?
to make david freak out about it of course
Of course
Jesus, it looks like it hurts - does yours still hurt?
burny itchy kinda
but not gonna kill me
Will ONE of you go get it checked out, at least?
sorry
work to do
UGH
How are both of you only workaholics when I need you to be lazy so you go to the DOCTOR
nope
going to the doctor is way more work bc u have to confront ur own mortality
no thx
If you both die from this I’m going to kill you

Stevie

Soooooooo...
Poison oak, huh?
don’t EVEN get me started
i will literally never listen to mr. rose again
until some financial thing comes up i don’t understand i guess
but until then
no way
never
So clear something up for me, how did the poison oak get into the rooms?
he THOUGHT it was just some floral greenery i guess? and put it in every vase in EVERY room
and GUESS who revealed it
...Who?
ROLAND
Ouch
i feel like i deserve hazard pay
damages? idk
can i sue mr. rose for emotional trauma?
I want to sue him for making Rose Apothecary nearly lose one of our best vendors
Thank god for David and his weirdly compelling sales technique
are u sure it’s not just compelling bc u 2 are dating
No I swear
He apologized and went to go talk to Brenda in person and boom
No problem
maybe they’re carrying on a torrid affair behind ur back
Brenda’s in like her early 70s
are u suggesting a septagenarian cant have aesthetic appeal?
wine not the label patrick
i’m disappointed in u
Oh my god I’m deleting your number
u WISH that would get rid of me
God, I do
I really really do
Today 7:47 PM
oh
one more thing
Yup?
david cancelled the rosebud’s account
on account of his father being an idiot
can u undo that
pls and thx
You’re going to owe me
u can add in the new contract that mr. rose and david are not allowed to talk business ever again
and i will sign it
…
Deal.
Ms. Budd, it’s been a pleasure doing business with you.
wish i could say the same but
yknow
poison oak
Today 7:59 PM
Hey
?
Glad you’re okay
oh GROSS
go away
:)

Stevie

Today 9:47 AM
two quick questions
1. do u have a sec to hear me pose an ethical question where i mightve fucked up
2. do u have an additional sec to tell me that i’ve done nothing wrong
and that anything wrong that mightve happened was prob mr. rose’s fault
I…
Sure, why not
This can’t possibly be as bad as I’m thinking it is.
so mr. rose might have taken roland’s phone from him
and i may have put it on silent
(bc he was texting during a meeting)
Ok
Is that it?
well he left it behind
and jocelyn has gone into labor
Oh!
Oh man.
there are a LOT of calls
When will he be back??
no fuckin clue
ugh
he had a list a mile long
what circle of hell is this one? we’re on call 18 from jocelyn
Well, pick up! Tell her he’s on his way as soon as he can
ughhhhhhhh i dont want to
You want Mr. Rose to do it?
…
fine
Today 10:09 AM
All right, I’m going out on a limb here and stating across the board that everyone is in the moral clear
No ill intent from anyone
It’ll all be fine, he’ll make it to the hospital in time
i hope so
Today 10:13 AM
thx

Stevie

Today 10:23 AM
ok so he got back and we gave him the phone and he’s headed to the hospital now
Good, phew
i can’t believe u type phew
ur a parody of a parody of a cartoon dad
Well, would you like to hear about something kind of embarrassing and cringeworthy that happened to me today
In exchange for all of this emotional turmoil you’ve just been through
yessss pls
its the only antidote to all of this
spill
You know the thing we talked about last week
Well
That I talked about and you made vomiting noises at me while you tried to fit two bottles of wine in your purse
I did it.
in my defense i’d forgotten that i’d already had a bottle of wine in there
for emergencies
but ALSO whoa
how’d it go???
i mean ur not texting about selling all of ur things and moving to rio
so i assume u and david and the store are all still standing
It was not…
Ideal?
I don’t know
I mean, he fled
But David tends to flee when there are emotions he can’t blithely ignore
yes
yes i am aware
i too have met david rose
at least once
Well
He thanked me
oh nooooooooo
im sorry thats not a negative no
that is a me laughing my fuckin ass off no
of course he did
I mean I’m not stupid Stevie
I know he cares about me
This isn’t a game changer
I guess I was just hoping he was closer to saying it than not?
But that’s not fair of me
That’s just me being selfish
honestly
selfishness is way underrated imo
want what u want and be honest about it
wanting something isn’t selfish
hoping for something isn’t selfish
wishing for something for urself isn’t selfish
ur not demanding a specific response from him ur not being selfish
That sounds reasonable but my brain refuses to compute that sentiment.
oh wow u? patrick brewer? struggling w putting himself first?
truly stunned
Haha, shut up
let david sit in it for a bit he’ll figure it out
I don’t want him to say it just because I have
I don’t want to push him for something he’s not ready for
As much as I wanted him to be ready for it
I didn’t realize how much, I guess
everything about this relationship is out of david’s comfort zone, patrick
just the fact he walked away without saying it shows he’s thinking about it and not rushing in like he wouldve in the past
when he says it it’ll be bc he agonized over it for exactly the right amount of time
was he happy to hear it?
Yeah
Yeah actually, he seemed to be really pleased to hear it
then what the fuck are u worried about brewer
!!!
You’re right. He wants to be loved by me.
He’ll get there.
now thats settled
get back to moisturizing the singles!!!
You could’ve said that in a million better ways
i couldve but why would i ever want to

Stevie

Today 11:53 PM
Are you ready to field like
A million more feelings???
oh god
no
Too bad!
He said it back
:)
lmao
it took him what, an hr to figure it out?
u guys sicken me!!!
im happy for u both!!
u absolute idiots!!!
I have no defense against that!
But I don’t care!
Also he’s getting me a tea :)
surprised
i wouldve thought u would b attached at the hip for at least the next three days
I made fun of him for forgetting that I asked earlier.
HA well
im relieved that u both remain entirely on brand
congrats brewer
u owe me at least one bottle of wine for all this emotional nonsense
At least!
Say, come by mine tonight to celebrate with us! I’ll have David pick your favorites
god bless
Today 12:29 PM
Hey
Also you should let me know when it’s time for me to successfully support you in something
You’re really good at it
take it to ur grave, brewer
no one can know i have emotions
Cross my heart, hope to die
No but really Stevie, tell me to show up and I will.
be ready to be my first speed dial for body burying then
better than david for sure
u probably at least OWN a shovel
Stevie
All that talk of selfishness means you too.
If you want something, if you need help with anything… let me know.
no no i know
i’ll keep it in mind
i DO know that btw.... i know ur in my corner
Good.
ugh enough
now go be with ur boyfriend he’s on his way back from the cafe and texting me constantly
it’s ur turn to deal with him
Fair!
See you tonight :)
Today 12:40 PM
:)