Archive of Our Own

This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel, speaking to you once more from the squalor and dark of the Comms Room. You join us on day…

…You join us on day four-hundred and eighty-five on this tin can. Only two-hundred and forty-five days until -

- no one will be telling us what we can't do anymore.

The Commander has harshly and unfairly denied my request that I might be allowed to venture once again into the great unknown that is The Outside.

Although I was at first told, dear listeners, that there were numerous reasons against such an escapade, our wise Commander's words - sans copious quoting of Pryce and Carter

- can be summarised with the following:

'Eiffel is an irresponsible member of my crew - perhaps the most irresponsible. Whilst I often threaten him with death or other such severe punishments (for example, having to participate in the insane Dr. Hilbert's cruel and unusual biannual physical and wellness checks), I will not allow him to undertake this which he has specifically requested. The main reason for this is the amount of paperwork this would require me to fill out, and the amount of trouble this could give to our generous sponsors, Goddard Futuristics. Additionally, his demise could reflect poorly on my leadership, which I pride above all else.'

Um, she also might have mentioned that certain… incidents a couple of days ago might have made her more cautious about my 'sense of wellbeing' or something like that - but I'm sure she was just kidding. Who cares, right?

And she might have said that my shoulder wasn't completely healed yet and that I should stay on bed rest for one more day - but she was totally joking there. Maybe.

I'm so totally authorised to be here right now - I mean, can you even hear Minkowski yelling at me? N-

Officer Eiffel? Would now be a good time to remind you that your feet are resting on the Comms Room's Do Not Disturb button?

Oh.

Commander Minkowski has been trying to reach you for a while now.

Good luck.

No. No! Hera? How long, exactly, has she been trying to buzz us? How long? Hera -

A very long time. Time which could otherwise have been spent much more productively.

Oh, um, hey Commander! Uh - I was just telling Hera how I had just stopped by here on my way back to the Medical Bay, where I was planning on - um - completing that very important task you had assigned me; one which I was determined to fulfill to my utmost capability as part of this crew, which - have I told you, Commander, how much I value being part of your crew? In fact, you are an inspir -

Hera? Can you… confirm Officer Eiffel's account?

I - I cannot. Commander.

No? I'm shocked. Completely. Utterly surprised. Totally -

- What were you trying to reach us for, Commander? Other than to

rain on my parade?

You're being ridiculous, Officer. If you would just listen for a moment - no, I shouldn't expect so much from you. Just try to direct an ounce of your concentration towards this - that would be a step in the right direction, at least.

Hey!

Past experience proves that much.

As I was saying, I was trying to reach you for a repair - the satellite aerial is loose, and it - unfortunately - requires two sets of hands.

I can't believe this stupid aerial takes both of us to fix.

I'm sure it couldn't be that much harder with just you, Commander.

Hera; opinion?

Only, Officer Eiffel, in the sense that Commander Minkowski would not be asking for your help again.

Oh?

No; the Commander's oxygen would likely be depleted less than half was through the aerial replacement, almost certainly leading to suffocation.

This would leave you in charge of a ship with, coincidentally, no way of communicating with Earth.

But if it's too much trouble, Officer Eiffel…

It's a good thing such a catastrophe is not going to happen, isn't it, Officer Eiffel?

Yup.

Eiffel. Stop.

Have you checked your tether? We don't want another incident, do we?

Remember Pryce and Carter?

I think we can safely assume the answer to that is always no. And last time didn't go too badly - and my shoulder was fine after a couple of hours.

Days.

"Pryce and Carter 954: Check twice. Then check again. Have you checked properly? Are you certain? Why don't you make sure? It's only your life on the line…"

That seems slightly… darker than usual. Even slightly, dare I say it, helpful…

Dear Listeners; it's the question of the day:

Have Pryce and Carter finally graced us with some actual advice - as opposed, of course, to their customary meaningless gibberish?

Eiffel! Pryce and Carter dema-

Is is really worth it, Commander?

You know, I did have actual plans for today, Commander.

Oh yeah?

What exactly, Officer Eiffel, had you planned to accomplish today, of all days?

Well -

Asides from , of course, rewatching Home Alone 2 yet again in the Comms Room.

We can all hear it.

The sheer amount of times you've watched it this week is unhealthy -

- let alone how often you've watched it in total!

Hey! You can't both gang up on me - it's not fair - and I do work when it's on, you know.

I feel distinctly underappreciated.

Since we're on the topic of your work… have you done tried to do anything about this awful static?

For the last time; there's nothing wrong with them!

It's not so bad?

Actually, the electronic integrity of the system is almost irreparably damaged, Officer Eiffel. Soon it will be rendered completely unsalvageable.

None of the good films have perfect - or even fully-functional - comms!

I fail to see how that is relevant.

Think Space Odyssey; think Star Wars! Besides - it really just makes it more authentic! Hera; back me up here?

Officer Eiffel indeed has reassured me that both of these films manage to both simultaneously be 'literally the best thing he's seen with his own two eyes.'

Well, that seems like a perfectly valid reason to continue using our - what was it, Hera? - ah yes - almost 'completely unsalvageable' comms system.

Really?

No.

But the films -

I expect the system to be fully operational by oh-eight-hundred hours tomorrow, Eiffel. If not… there will be repercussions.

Do you know how long they'll take to fix, Commander? Out of all of us, who do you think is best qualified to know how long the repairs will take? Doesn't it seem presumptuous to assume that it's even possible to have them finished so quickly?

The repairs to your communications system will take you, at most, little over one hour. That is, little over one hour without distractions, Officer Eiffel. Or interruptions to, say, smoke one of your remaining cigarettes - which, might I remind you, are no less of a hazard (and an illicit one at that) that when you almost ignited one of the oxygen canisters in the first week here.

'Almost' being the operative word.

Officer Eiffel -

Right, right; sorry Hera. Won't happen again.

Hopefully.

And -

- And I'll do the repairs as soon as we get back inside, Commander. Right after a quick showing of our favourite movie -

No.

Fine!

Not even if -

No.

Are you su-

Eiffel? What did you do?

Nothing. Nothing! I swear I hadn't touched anything!

Oh, so you haven't been helping with repairs? Typic-

If we could all just calm down for a minute, please.

What seems to be the problem, Hera?

Can you detect, perhaps, whether our Communications Officer has meddled with something not meant to be meddled with?

I said I didn't do anything! Why is that so hard to believe?

Do you want a list? I believe I have one in my report detailing the last time this happened. A time when, might I remind you, you were the cause of the problem.

Hey! Firstly, not this again, and secondly, I still think someone should have thought to at least label the buttons that open the airlocks! Maybe with a big red 'WARNING' sticker perhaps accompanied with a 'Don't press if you wish to ever again see the light of day' sign. Thirdly -

Stop. You're wasting your breath - you are literally using up your limited supply of oxygen on this… pointless argument.

She started it!

Actually, I think we all know who is to blame for this. As usual.

Uh - guys? Just an oxygen reminder…

…You're both down to under 50 per cent remaining. That gives you roughly another hour, give or take ten or so minutes. That should be enough time.

Can you be more precise? That's quite a large range to go on…

Well, Commander, I can't - for obvious reasons - account for how much oxygen will be wasted in… conversation, nor can I predict how much longer the repair will take you.

Also, you really should be working together to solve whatever that is. You know - potentially life-threatening situation and all that? Commander; Pryce and Carter -

Pryce and Carter 429 - yes, I think we all know that one, at least.

Eiffel?

So I might not be completely sure on that particular 'survival' tip. I'm sure it's just momentarily slipped my mind, though, Commander. Any second…

Uh… "Work together and all will be well?"

It seems to have momentarily slipped my mind, Commander; all those re-readings have blurred them together, you know?

Eiffel, it would astound me if you had read Pryce and Carter even once through. No - make that half. You making it even half-way through any mandatory reading material is too much to hope for.

Hey! I bet Pryce and Carter didn't have alliteration! At least mine are more memorable!

Eiffel - that was barely alliterative - and I think I agree with Minkowski on this one. The DSSPPM was required material…

I don't see Hilbert having to read it! He's always blowing stuff up in his lab - and most of the time not on purpose! Surely that's not recommended by the illustrious Pryce and Carter - whoever they may be.

Hilbert!

What about him?

I imagine the Commander has concluded that Doctor Hilbert has something to do with the malfunctioning sensors in sectors J5, H2 and S8.

And that's… what's causing the beeping?

Yes, Eiffel.

Most of my resources have been diverted to assisting you out here, so I haven't been able to pinpoint the cause of the sensor disturbances.

Can't you do both, Hera? I thought you were meant to be able to manage an almost infinite number of tasks at once.

I cannot. I apologise, Commander.

And Officer Eiffel - is this really what you call "nothing wrong" with the comms??? There's no chance of being connected to back to the station - we're going to have to postpone this vital repair to go attend to whatever disaster the doctor has caused, putting our safety on the line.

I thought we had already established that it was "completely unsalvageable."

Almost.

Huh?

It's only almost unsalvageable, Officer Eiffel. I can help you fix it when you return to the station if you -

As touching as it is to see you offer to help our seemingly sub-par Communications Officer, Hera, I'm afraid I must interrupt the moment. How are we looking for O₂, Hera? Do we have enough to finish up here or are we going to run out any time soon?

Let me just… check… that, Commander…

I expect you have more than enough, if you aren't too distracted. The previous check left you with another half an hour, and it hasn't been that long -

Actually, scratch that - you've each got less than five minutes of oxygen left.

I don't know why it's been depleted so quickly. None of this data fits with what I would have expected - it's like something diverting it from your suits…

Well - we made it back!

Let's go see what the problem is, then.

Just… just a second, Commander. I… just need to… catch my breath…

You know, you would have had more than enough oxygen if you hadn't wasted so much on talk -

And thanks to those kind words, I find myself magically recovered. Thanks for the support, Commander. Much appreciated.

Doctor Hilbert? What's the situation in there?

If he's passed out on the floor or something, he won't be able to answer you -

- and on that note, why is the door so HOT? Do you think he's blown something else up?

You better hope not.

Doctor Hilbert. You wouldn't happen to know anything about the multiple warning signals we were receiving when we were trying to carry out a repair in space, would you? Because that would not be good.

Well?

I'm afraid… Commander… that I may be slightly responsible for those minor alarms - but I can assure you that any damage caused is not permanent. In fact, I just need to air the lab - if you don't mind staying outside whilst I just -

What - what are you doing, Commander? I thought I said to stay back. This gas is not safe -

Come on, Eiffel; let's help Doctor Hilbert clear the lab, then.

Nu-uh, Commander - it's a no from me! If even Hilbert's saying it's dangerous, you couldn't pay me to go in there with you. I'll take my chances out here.

Commander! I must advise you to step outside. This gas can seriously affect your memory - and it should be starting to take effect any time now.

Nonsense. I feel fine. Come on, Eiffel - we might have time to get back out there and fix the aerial.

No. Way. Utterly unsurprisingly, I didn't come all the way to space just to lose all my memories. I have no desire whatsoever to forget.

Patient is now beginning to suffer the effects of the gas. Symptoms will become gradually more evident until all long-term memory is lost. Previous data has not shown whether effects will be permanent or not - but we shall soon see.

What are you doing? Symptoms? I told you - I feel… fine…

Long-term memory is sometimes hard to distinguish from short-term. Tell me, Commander, what is Pryce and Carter 763?

Pryce and Carter 763? It's… to… to always… to -

Long-term memory has been dramatically affected. Interesting. I predict that it not long-lasting, although there is a strong possibility of memory never being regained…

I knew it was something dangerous!

This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel. It's day four-hundred and eighty-six here on the Hephaestus, and less than 24 hours ago, out beloved commander forgot the whole Pryce and Carter book! Who would have thought it was possible?

Shut up, Eiffel.