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i. chan
‘he’s your roommate, how come you’ve only talked, like, twice?’ jisung was doing his best to pull out his most dramatic voice.
‘it’s not like there was an opportunity to talk.’ chan stunned himself with how well he kept his poker face. he grabbed another sugar cube and plopped it into his already way too sweet coffee.
‘excuses, excuses,’ jisung sighed. ‘you’re the same age, you live together, you have really similar majors, at least sixty percent of your classes overlap,’ chan watched the sugar cube slowly dissociate inside his cup. ‘you have more than enough to talk about, don’t you think?’ the cube was almost fully dissolved and being swallowed by the drink.
‘are you even listening to me?’ jisung’s voice had a slightly hurt undertone and chan looked up from his coffee.
‘sorry.’
jisung’s gaze softened. ‘listen hyung, i know you’re not as outgoing as me,’ chan snorted. jisung gave him a comprehensive look and continued, ‘however i still think you should at least try and talk to him. i’m sure you won’t regret it.’
his gaze wandered to the coffee again. the sugar in the cup was completely dissolved by now. chan looked up again.
‘maybe so.’
ii. woojin
‘stop staring hyung, you’re super obvious.’
‘nah, his lover is so oblivious woojinnie hyung could probably sit down in front of him and stare right into his eyes and he wouldn’t notice.’
woojin sighed. ‘could you get back to work?’
seungmin turned back to the register with a giggle while hyunjin left to the back of the shop with a mischievous smirk.
with a little sigh, woojin tore his gaze off his roommate slash crush who was sitting by the window with one of his friends.
‘hyung?’ seungmin’s voice was a lot more gentle than before. ‘you should talk to him.’
woojin allowed his lips to curl into a small smile. ‘it’s not that i don’t want to…’
‘…you just can’t find the right words?’ seungmin finished his sentence for him. woojin nodded.
seungmin hummed understandingly. ‘don’t overthink it, hyung.’
iii. chan
jisung’s words didn’t leave his head for the rest of the week. still, as much as he turned them around and upside down in his thoughts, he didn’t follow jisung’s advice. he wanted to blame it on the bone-crushing amount of assignments and the song he needed to finish until the end of the month but deep down he knew his insecurities were at fault here.
if he hadn’t been hyper-aware of woojin before, he definitely was now. contrary to what jisung believed, their schedules didn’t overlap a lot and chan didn’t see much of woojin except for a few lectures, his way too frequent coffee shop visits and the occasional short encounter in the apartment corridor.
maybe it was jisung’s comment, maybe it was the rarity of their encounters, but chan was starting to notice the smallest details. he noticed how woojin went to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea after returning from work and how he usually did his warm-up exercises in the shower before leaving for his vocal lessons. chan decided that he really liked woojin’s voice. he also found out that woojin studied for his exams using post-its stuck all over his furniture when woojin left the door to his room open once and chan couldn’t help but glance inside. the more he found out the more curious he grew but at the same time the deeper he fell for woojin, the deeper he fell into a pit of insecurities as well.
suddenly the black-grey-white-and-purple pin on his bag that jisung had gifted him a year ago didn’t look reassuring anymore but rather the colours haunted him. the metal didn’t feel refreshingly cold anymore but rather burned his fingertips every time he brushed over it. just like that, he felt like he was thrown back three years, when he had still been living in australia and he had hated himself so much every day, feeling dysfunctional, broken, useless.
iv. woojin
one time woojin had talked to hyunjin about chan the younger had broken into laughter and called him a stalker, but woojin couldn't really help it if he lived with him and saw him every day and chan was just so interesting.
in the six months that he had been living with chan, he had found out several (in woojin's opinion adorable) habits, picked up on nearly all of his quirks and more or less memorised his schedule. hyunjin was convinced that it was creepy, seungmin just called him whipped.
it wasn't like woojin did it on purpose. somehow he just couldn't help but notice chan, notice how he always left the tea cupboard open and how he hoarded dirty mugs in his room until they occupied too much space on his desk for him to work properly. he had also found out that chan hated 9 am lectures and loved working at night instead of the day. in the lectures they shared, woojin had noticed how chan chewed on his pencils and how he clung to this one specific blue notebook as if it were a lifeline.
woojin knew a lot of little, seemingly insignificant things like that about chan, but to him they were precious. they were a part of chan just as much as the bigger parts of his life like his love for music and his australian origin. maybe it wasn't the obvious things woojin had fallen in love with, maybe it was the minor things, the things that made chan so much more chan.
v. chan
the week had been stressful, but usually that wouldn’t have worn him out as much. nonetheless, chan felt like a million weights were attached to his limbs, like he was drowning and there was nothing he could do because no matter what he tried he was crushed by waves of stress, anxiety and fatigue. he wanted to cry out but at the same time he felt his lungs contract, too suffocating and painful for him to do so.
he thought about the events of the week, somehow only clearly recalling the worst parts. this was a sure sign of his anxiety taking over and he buried his face in his hoodie as his back slid down the wall, his knees completely abandoning their job. the constriction in his chest amplified when his gaze fell onto the door at the end of the small corridor of the apartment.
woojin.
chan knew he wasn’t home; and wouldn’t be for the next three hours, he confirmed after his eyes focused on the clock on the wall.
he wasn’t sure how he made it to his bed, he didn’t remember taking off his shoes or closing the door to his room but the waves of insecurities were too stifling for him to care about it.
while the waves continued mercilessly crashing over him, drowning him, knocking the breath out of his lungs and burning his skin like salt water, he felt his brain clouding, dark thoughts devouring everything else. he was painfully reminded of australia, the intensity of the panic attack exceeded any school-induced panic he’d had in korea so far. this wasn’t related to his studies and the stress university put him through, this was the same feeling as three years ago. chan didn’t remember how he defeated it then, he wasn’t even sure he had defeated anything at all back then.
didn’t he just run away to korea?
chan didn’t count that as defeating the demons that were drowning him right now. the metaphor of his panic as an ocean, waves crushing him and suffocating him seemed so much more ironic when he tasted salty tears on his tongue. even though he already felt like he wasn’t breathing anymore, all air sucked out of his lungs, he buried his head deeper into the covers, letting the waves swallow him.
vi. woojin
something felt off but he couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was until he saw the door to chan’s room wide open. the room was dark but his shoes were there and woojin was sure chan must be home.
slowly he made his way towards his roommate’s door. he carefully peeked inside and his eyes widened. chan was lying on his bed, curled up into his blankets (which would have been normal enough) but woojin could see that his body was shaking. his first instinct was to sprint towards the bed and yell in panic but fortunately the responsible part of his brain stopped him from doing so. instead, he slowly entered the room and walked towards the bed. chan’s eyes were closed but woojin was sure he was awake.
woojin was a little unsure but somehow seeing chan so vulnerable he felt a wave of protectiveness rush over him and magically remained calm on the outside.
he sat down on the bed and reached out to touch chan’s shoulder. he wanted to gently let the other know he was here, that he was willing to help.
vii. chan
somehow he could breathe again. the familiar voice that made its way to his ears even though he still felt like he was underwater was like a fresh gust of wind and cut through the waves that were crushing him. it didn’t last for long but somehow everything seemed a little less dark. the suffocating feeling didn’t completely vanish but with every second he felt his lungs contract a little less.
the soft touch to his shoulders sent electricity through his body, even more so than usual. he felt his lugs contract again and for the first time since coming home he could utter a sound again.
a whimper.
he felt pathetic. his head was clearing out a bit and he could make out sounds again. the soft rustle of his covers, the very light creaking of the floorboards and the sound of breathing.
breathing.
it wasn’t his own. it was steady and calm and gentle and everything he wished he was.
viii. woojin
woojin knew he couldn’t force chan to talk about anything, so he didn’t try to. even though he wanted to obliterate anyone and anything that caused chan to resume into such a state, he knew that rage was the wrong approach to this.
he looked down at chan who had his head in woojin's lap and was completely curled up in his bedsheets. it was harrowing to see chan, the strongest, most resilient person he knew break down like this. chan didn’t deserve this and woojin wanted to help him defeat his demons.
they stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, neither of them saying anything. chan’s eyes were closed and his eyelashes still glistened with tears. woojin was relieved to hear at least his breath was evening out.
‘i’m sorry.’ chan’s voice was so silent, so broken, so full of insecurity and woojin felt his heart break for the nth time this evening.
‘don’t apologise.’ woojin paused for a moment to contemplate on his next move. carefully, with the gentlest tone he was capable of, he continued. ‘you can talk to me if you need to.’
somehow the silence that followed was at the same time unbearable but comforting. chan’s breath had hitched after woojin’s comment but it was evening out again, matching woojin’s calm and even one. it was reassuring to feel chan relax in his laps but insufferable to not get a response.
‘i’m asexual.’ chan’s voice was a bit steadier than before but still as quiet.
woojin felt a weight lift off his shoulders. ‘okay.’
chan’s face visibly softened, even though his eyes were still closed and he couldn’t quite muster a smile yet. ‘i was out back in australia, three years ago.’ he paused. woojin hummed in acknowledgement and carefully lifted his hand and started playing with chan’s hair. he’d been itching to do that for a while and the moment just felt right.
‘a girl confessed to me. she seemed sweet. i think she genuinely liked me, and i fell for her too.’ chan stopped again. woojin felt him stiffen a bit and patiently waited for him to recollect himself and continue.
‘as i said, i was out, but she didn’t really understand how it worked for me? i guess she thought maybe i wouldn’t mind it if it was for her.’ chan’s hair was really soft.
‘but that’s not how it works.’ chan gulped as if contemplating whether to elaborate or to keep it short. 'at least not for me.'
‘she didn’t understand?' woojin asked carefully.
chan nodded lightly. ‘she said i didn’t really love her and that i would never be able to-‘
his voice broke off and a single tear slipped from his left eye. woojin stopped playing with his hair to wipe it off and let his hand linger on chan’s cheek for a moment.
‘-that i would never be able to be in a fulfilling relationship.’ his voice was almost a whisper and woojin thought that chan must be on the verge of breaking down again but he felt him relax against his hand.
‘you don’t need to answer. thank you for listening.’
ix. chan
it felt good. liberating. chan hadn’t expected their next conversation to go this way, but he wasn’t really disappointed. he liked it. woojin’s gentle voice reassuring him, his warm hand on his cheek, his steady breathing keeping chan grounded.
‘you don’t need to answer.’ telling was already good enough. ‘thank you for listening.’
if chan had opened his eyes in that moment he would have seen woojin think for a moment and then shake his head with determination. but he didn’t and so he was taken by surprise when woojin spoke up.
‘what if i want to answer?’
after his initial shock, chan’s lips curled into a smile for the first time that evening. he didn’t say anything but he knew woojin understood.
‘you’re a really amazing person, you know?’
chan’s eyes shot open and he saw woojin for the first time since he entered. he was wearing a cosy red hoodie that made his usually broad frame look a little smaller and softer and his eyes were full of gentle determination while they looked at chan.
woojin smiled a little upon seeing chan looking back at him and continued. ‘you work so hard and you are such a tough and resilient person. honestly, i was a little shocked to see you break down, but i guess even the strongest hearts break, right?’ he stopped for a bit as if to sort out his thoughts.
‘that’s not what i wanted to say.’
chan unwrapped his right hand from the covers and lay it over woojin’s which was still resting on his cheek. woojin took a deep breath.
‘is it cheesy if i say that i’d like to prove that girl wrong?’
he paused again and let chan process the information.
‘if you let me, can i show you that you are very much capable of being in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship?’
chan’s small smile grew a bit wider and he thought that maybe his cheeks weren’t just so warm because woojin’s hand was still resting there.
x. woojin
seungmin and hyunjin pretended to laugh at him when they found out but woojin did not for one second feel embarrassed about his ways of being affectionate towards chan. somehow with chan it was incredibly easy to be intimate in the most innocent ways possible.
ever since he had found out that chan’s hair was as soft as it looked he took every opportunity to play with it, run his fingers through it playfully or just pat his head.
wherever they went together chan made sure to keep close to woojin. it was as if he gravitated towards him, and woojin was sure he did the same. it was terribly endearing and to top it off chan loved linking his pinkie with woojin’s and sometimes he thought he might melt.
another thing that woojin loved was when they both had a free evening and chan cooked for them. woojin loved seeing chan’s startled and pretend-annoyed face when he pulled him into a back hug while cooking. chan always acted bothered but still broke into a smile when woojin spun him around and started swaying to the melody of a song he was humming.
chan was still nervous and stressed at times. they both knew and they both accepted it. there were different kinds of nervous and different ways to deal with all of them. some of them, chan could defeat on his own, some of them defeated themselves with time passing and some of them, they were able to defeat together.
woojin’s favourite moments by far were the late nights when they were lying on the couch together, often chan’s head in woojin’s lap, both or at least one of them reading a book, sitting in a comforting silence that was only occasionally filled in with soft hums, ‘i love you’s and short, soft questions. tonight, woojin was re-reading one of his favourite novels and chan was lying next to him, head cuddled into woojin’s shoulder and scrolling through his phone.
‘hey, woojin?’
a soft hum.
‘can i quote something from my favourite poet?’
woojin sat down his book and turned his towards chan. ‘of course, i’d love that.’
chan smiled. ‘i love us, for the way our eyes make love to each other's souls.’
xi. chan
for chan the colourful post-it’s that had started appearing all around their apartment had become a constant, a reassurance that he wasn’t alone. most of the time they held the names of important composers, the characteristics of an important period, or just the title of a song his boyfriend wanted to or had to learn. sometimes they also served as grocery lists or reminders to do a chore or a doctor’s appointment.
chan’s favourite’s however were the purple ones. while the other post-it’s all had random colours, the purple ones were always special. they appeared anywhere, from the refrigerator over the shower to his bedroom. usually they said something like ‘i love you’ or ‘dress warmly today’, and they made chan feel all fuzzy inside. if woojin’s habit of putting post-it’s everywhere hadn’t been adorable before, it definitely was now.
today chan found a new orange post-it on the kitchen counter, with a reminder for him to buy milk. when he finished his breakfast (read: coffee) he also found a purple one stuck onto his laptop. the smile that adorned his face as he read it could probably have rivalled the sun if it had dared to show itself that day.
“i have not fallen in love with a body, but merely a soul, and that, has made all the difference” – christopher poindexter