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Chapter Text

Lance had known something bad was going to happen from the second they arrived.

There was something about the way the inhabitants of Oyhiri had looked at them when they landed, like they were nothing but a bunch of kids with glorified toys at their disposal. Their upturned noses as they took in the lions with a sort of that's it? expression. It had been enough to fill Lance's heart with this sinking dread until it was heavy enough to drop into his stomach.

The Oyhirian's were a hostile species, sporting sharp horns that curled above their heads, smooth lilac skin, and pitch black eyes. They were stunning in a way that had nothing to do with their features and everything to do with the fear they instilled in you. They were not known for showing any sort of kindness to others, but rather for their ruthless hostility that had prevented any alliances being formed on their own soil for thousands of years. At least until now.

To the Oyhirian's, Zarkon was nothing but a thorn in their side. Which, in Lance's opinion, said a lot about them. They didn't see the Galra as the danger that they were, and the paladins had come, hoping to open their eyes to the threat that was staring them directly in the face. If they could get the Oyhirian's to join the Voltron Coalition, then they were adding another solid force that would solidify their chances of defeating Zarkon when it was finally time to take the fight to him.

Unfortunately, they were not being easily persuaded... They had been on this planet for what felt like an eternity and they were no closer to convincing Gagn, the leader of this planet, to join their forces. He had an argument ready for each statement they made, and it was obvious to everyone present that this negotiation was going nowhere. Lance just wanted to go. Get out of there while they still could. His heart was beating steadily against his chest, that feeling of unrest that wouldn't shake. Their confidence was unwavering in words, but in reality, it was a thin veil between uncertainty and optimism.

"With your help, our forces would grow undeniably stronger," Shiro was saying, "We would be just that much closer to being prepared to take this fight to Zarkon," Gagn seemed to consider this with a slow nod. He sat at the head of a large table where they had escorted the paladins to upon their arrival.

"But not close enough, hm?" He said with a cruel sort of twitch to his lips. Lance sucked in a breath. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. It was bad enough when he heard the civilian Oyhrian's make snide remarks about how 'underwhelming' the paladins were as they walked past, now they were getting it from their ruler...

"We're stronger in numbers. With all our forces unified it would guarantee our success. We don't want to go in there with any doubts," Shiro countered calmly, but Lance had spent enough time on these diplomatic missions to see the tight line set to Shiro's jaw, to see the slight twitch of his brow, and he knew their leader was at his breaking point just like the rest of them.

Gagn nodded again. "So you do have doubts then?" Lance rubbed his temple, and judging by the looks of his friend's face's he wasn't the only one who'd had enough. Keith was glaring so hard that Lance thought he was going to pop a vein soon. Hunk was looking at Lance with a can you believe this guy? look on his face. Pidge's face was slowly turning a deep shade of red... "Where do these doubts lie? Your fellow paladins? Lack of skill?" Gagn continued. 

"We have no doubts in any member of our team," Allura cut in sharpy, "Our paladins were chosen for a reason, and they all contribute greatly to the cause."

"All of them?" Gagn questioned, eyes moving to all of them. They landed on Lance, and Lance quickly averted his gaze. There was something unsettling about Gagn. his dark eyes seemed like they could see into the inner workings of Lance's soul and he hated every part of it. Gagn hummed a laugh, and when Lance looked up, he saw Gagn's gaze still fixed on him. He swallowed a lump rising in his throat.

Maybe Gagn was right to question the skill of the paladins... After all, they were a bunch of kids... Weren't they just kidding themselves that they would be the ones to take down Zarkon? Maybe the Oyhirian's were just seeing them for exactly what they were. 

"Yes, all of them," Allura said, pulling Lance from his throughts. "We don't have any doubts in them. We just want to be cautious. Zarkon has ruled for ten thousand years. We need to rally all the forces we can to take back what's ours."

"Well, that is something I can agree with. If you are to take down Zarkon, you will need all the help you can get," Gagn said, "I feel confident that we will be able to reach some sort of agreement." He said snapped his fingers at a few guards and made an intricate signal to them before standing. "Now please, join me in the gallery and we can draw up a contract."

Lance exchanged glances with everyone. This was the last thing he'd been expecting to hear. But still, Lance was just glad that the hard part was over. He stood, along with his teammates and made to follow Gagn out to the gallery. Lance was just a few paces behind his friends when he noticed that someone was standing very close to him. He glanced over his shoulder and noticed that three of the servants had closed in around him.

"Make one sound, and we slaughter you all right now," one of them whispered in his ear. 

"What-!" A hand clamped over Lance's mouth and nose, an acrid smell assaulting his nostrils. Then two more had his arms pinned against his chest as he was grabbed around the torso. He fought, twisting, and bucking to get rid of the weight of their hands. He stared at the backs of his friends, willing them silently to turn around, to see what was happening, to help him. Lance stood there, wriggling with a last attempt to break free, but the Oyhirian's held on tight, their claw-like fingernails digging in and refusing to let go no matter which way Lance twisted. Horrified, Lance saw the giant doors shut behind them, and then the world around him started to tilt and blur, until the room in front of him was nothing but a kaleidoscope of colours, fading into black.

Reality came back to him through a haze of puzzle pieces. He was aware first of the cold ground pressed against his cheek, second was the throbbing pain in his head.

Lance sat up with a groan. He pressed his palms into his eyes and rubbed, trying to smudge the fog away from his brain.

He was in some sort of dark circular chamber. The only light came from the torches that lined the entirety of the room. It was empty save for Lance, and the three servants who were now acting as his guards, blocking the door.

They were armed, he could see that now. Each of them was carrying a sword on their hips, and bows with arrows across their shoulders. Lance got the message loud and clear; Try anything, and you're dead.

"How long are you going to keep me here? Lance asked them.

"Until Daegn gets here."

"When will that be?" Lance asked.

"Don't know,"

"Well, who is this Daegn?"

The guard huffed a laugh. "Kid, you're gonna wish you never knew..." Lance frowned, he opened his mouth to say something else, but before he could get the words out there was an intricate knock on the door, and then someone was coming inside. A figure appeared in front of him. Lance swallowed as he took in the startling features of the Oyhirian in front of him.

At once it was obvious that this must have been Daegn. He was taller than the others, with twisting horns that curled upwards and out to the sides. His eyes were small and beady, but no less dark than the others.

"On your feet," he said. His voice was thick and raspy, something that only came with years of yelling. Lance frowned at him, but didn't move.

"Listen, man-." A kick to the stomach had his words lost with his breath. He rolled over, curling into himself.

"On, your, feet," Daegn repeated, and this time Lance obeyed, scrambling up on unsteady feet. He swayed a bit, struggling to catch his balance. This man's eyes seemed to dig into him just as Gagn's had, only this time, Lance felt completely exposed. This time, he actually thought Daegn might have been able to see into his soul.

He hummed, as he looked over Lance, a quirk on his lips, that made Lance feel like he was no bigger than an ant. Daegn knew Lance was a paladin, but that fact didn't seem to instill any amount of fear or respect.

"Hello, Lance," He said taking a step forward. Now closer, Daegn towed at least two feet over him. Lance opened his mouth to say something, but the words died with the fear that overtook him. He wasn't sure what it was, but something about this man had his mind screaming danger. He needed to get out of here. He needed to find his friends.

"I said," Daegn sneered, "hello."

Lance opened his mouth, his gaze falling to the floor, and managed a quiet, "Hello,"

"I'm not sure of your customs, but here, it's impolite not to look at someone when they're speaking to you, so let's try this again," Daegn reached forward and took Lance's chin in his hand, and twisted his neck painfully forward until he was facing Daegn.

"Hello," Lance said again. Fear was a living thing trapped inside his body. It pulsed through his bones, sending a chill down his spine, and into his legs until his whole body was shaking with a panic-filled tremor. His fingers wouldn't still, and he could feel his legs starting to give out on him.

"It's a start," Daegn bit out. He tucked his arms behind his back and stalked around Lance in a slow circle.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," He said, "Your comrades are being, less agreeable than we'd like them to be. You may be wondering why this is bad for you, well, it's because the more difficult they make this for us,-" Daegn's hand came down on him so fast, Lance didn't even have time to brace himself for the impact. He fell to the ground with a yelp. His chin hit the hard ground and he felt a sharp pain explode through his mouth as his teeth tore through his bottom lip and with it, the taste of blood rose in his mouth. Lance held it in his mouth until it was too much and he had no choice but to spit it out onto the ground. He blinked in horror at the amount that spattered on the concrete. "-the more difficult this is going to be for you."

Lance made a noise of protest, but then he was hoisted back up by the collar of his shirt, and Daegn thrust him back against the wall, keeping him pinned there. Daegn looked at the tear in Lance's lip and made a sort of amused sound.

"Would you look at that? You humans are so fragile. I could take you apart with one finger, what do you think about that?"  

“I think fuck you.” Lance spat, peppering Daegn's face with his blood.

Daegn's eyes shut as he huffed in a humorless laugh. He dragged a hand over his face to wipe it away. “Your spirits are still high. Don’t worry. We’ll crush them soon enough.” 

Daegn lifted him a few inches off the ground, and then slammed him back into the wall, knocking his head back into it. He did it again, and again, and until Lance was seeing stars. Daegn let him crumple down to the ground, and Lance forced his vision to clear, forced himself to move before Daegn could do anything that really got him stuck. Lance needed to do something now. He needed to get out of there, get to his friends, and then get off this planet.

Lance reached forward and started to push himself back onto his feet, but then something was colliding with his ribs. He fell down onto his stomach, and it drew the air from his lungs. He stared wide-eyed at a distant point on the ground, as he tried to get his breath back. The pain seemed to move out in a tingling sensation, reaching every point in his chest.

He couldn't let it stop him. He wasn't going to let it stop him. He pushed himself across the ground, reaching out with a hand towards the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Daegn asked, tutting his tongue.

He stomped on Lance's fingers and Lance felt every snap of his knuckles as the sole of Daegn's heel crushed them. Lance couldn't help the scream that escaped past his lips. He tried to pull his hand away, but Daegn didn’t move his foot. Lance was pinned to the ground,each twist of Daegn's heel sent searing pain through Lance's arm until dark spots were dancing in the corners of his vision, and Lance was sure he was going to pass out. 

“Maybe I should just slice the tendons in your legs... let’s see you try to run after that, hm?” Daegn finally released Lance, and he ripped his hand away, and rolled onto his back. He felt every pull of protest from his ribs and he cradled his broken fingers over his chest. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to steady his breathing.

Daegn scooped Lance up with a fist full of his shirt.

"Remember who's in charge here." He spat, and then released Lance so that he was supporting his own weight, but his legs wouldn't cooperate. They couldn't take his weight, the pain too overwhelming for him to focus any energy into standing.

Lance's reflexes betrayed him as he attempted to catch himself before he hit the ground. His hand crumpled beneath him and he yelled out again. He felt sick with pain, the nausea was creeping its way up his throat. He mouth slick with saliva and blood, he swallowed, forcing it back down.

"Why are you doing this?" Lance choked out.

"Why would we back the losing side of the war?" Daegn countered, "Zarkon is the stronger ally here,"

"We're not going to lose," Lance said desperately, his voice airy and tighy, "We won't, We can't!"

"Can't and won't are two very different options." Daegn pointed out.

Lance made a noise of desperation as he forced himself up into a sitting position. Daegn regarded him with a cool smile, almost like he had been expecting this.

"You can't do this," Lance said, breathing heavily, "If you do, my friends never agree to your terms,"

“Oh, I don’t know about that. They seem very concerned right now. In fact, I think if we just kill you they might be even more agreeable, but why rush the inevitable?” Daegn said.

"No..." Lance said, shaking his head.

Daegn drew his weapon. It was spear-like, a long metallic post, with a pointed end that glistened in the shimmer of the torches. Then, he moved to strike Lance. Lance, barely got out of the way in time, skittering back to avoid being impaled.

"I think those legs will definitely have to go. Then maybe we'll skin you alive. If we do it right, you may even last all night."

"No..." Lance said again. He moved himself backward again just as Daegn moved to strike. Daegn looked down on him, face contorted with hot fury. "If you don't stay still, I will take those pretty eyes of yours too." He snapped.

"Please, stop-."

"Plotac, hold him down," Daegn ordered, and one of the guards moved to restrain Lance. He reached down, forcing Lance back up, and Lance struggled to get his legs back under him.

"We'll start at the ankles and move our way up, let's see how fast you can move when we immobilize you," Daegn said cruelly.

A scream threatened to rip Lance's throat apart, but he knew if he let it out now, he would never be able to stop it. His entire body was on fire with pain, it throbbed and stung with each ragged breath that he sucked into his lungs.

"Please, just let me go," Lance begged again, "I'm not-." worth this...

Then there was a sound outside, loud enough to drag Daegn's attention away from Lance, and he took that opportunity. He backed himself and the guard holding him into the wall, until Platoc's arms let him go, and then rushed Daegn, shoving his shoulder into his chest. Daegn's pear clattered to the ground and Lance's went to punch him, but he recovered quicker than Lance had expected and grabbed his arm mid-swing. Daegn shoved him back to the ground, and then there was something sharp against Lance's neck.

"I think you have caused me enough strife, this ends. Now." Daegn raised the blade and shoved it down. Lance felt the sharp puncture as it slipped between his ribs, and the force of the impact had him spiraling into the ground.

And then Daegn was leaving, and Lance was alone in that dark room. His head was fogged with the focus of his throbbing pain. His skin was thick with a slick coat of his own blood. Pain had lit his body on fire. It traveled and throbbed through his body like it had its own heartbeat. With each breath, the agony begged him to stop, to give in to exhaustion, to accept his fate and slip away quietly. The harder Lance clung to consciousness, the more welcoming the idea of death became. He could hear yelling in the distance, something that sounded somewhat familiar to his ears.

It wasn't until Shiro was crouched over top of him, screaming, that Lance realized the sound was his own name.

Lance wasn't lucky enough to stay unconscious until they got him back on the ship. He awoke to the agonizing pain of being carried on board the red lion.

"Lance, oh god. Lance," Hunk said as he realized his friend was alive and awake. As they set him down, Lance couldn't help the cry that escaped his lips or the tears that burned against his eyes. He just wanted the pain to stop. He just wanted it to end. He would've given anything for his broken body to release him from its agony.

"You're going to be okay," Shiro told him sternly like it was an order and not words of comfort, but his voice was hoarse and angry, and he wouldn't look Lance in the eye. "Nobody is dying today."

"It hurts," Lance said, or at least, he thought he did. His friends didn't respond, and Lance thought to them it must have sounded like a sort of strangled sob so Lance tried again, "It hurts so much."

"Lance, don't try to talk right now. Save your strength." Keith said sharply, and he tightened a strap around his shoulder that kept him steady.

Lance wasn't sure what strength Keith was talking about, because he could barely lift his head up without feeling like he was going to pass out.

"Lance, listen to me, the red lion is the fastest. Keith is going to get you back to the castle and into a pod in no time. Just hang on a little bit longer, can you do that for me?" Shiro said, pressing down on his shoulders, and Lance didn't have the heart to tell him that the pressure hurt, that it was sending lightning bolts down his spine.

"Shiro, We gotta go!" Keith yelled.

"Right," Shiro said back, but he hovered over Lance for another second before rushing out with Hunk reluctantly following him out.

And then they were moving. Lance felt his insides stir at the movement, felt the nausea working its way up his throat, but the last thing he wanted to do was throw up. He could feel his legs growing numb, the cold working its way up his body until the pain was dulling into an ache. Which somehow, was so much worse.

"Coran, I need a pod ready, ASAP! I'm bringing Lance in!" Keith yelled, then he jumped out of his seat and rushed to Lance. He snapped through the restraints pressed tightly around Lance's body, and he carefully grabbed Lance around the waist, sending a rush of pain through his body. Lance jolted, trying to get away.

"Please, let me help you!" Keith pleaded, an edge of desperation to his voice, "I'm trying to save your life!"

"I'm sorry," Lance said, but his tongue wasn't quite working, his voice sounded like mush, even to his own ears, and he knew he was close to the edge. Any minute he could tilt over to the other side, and be gone. Lance was so, so scared, but he couldn't move, and he couldn't talk, and he couldn't do anything except let Keith carry him through the ship, hoping to god that he would make it in time, praying that each breath wasn't going to be his last.

With each step, Lance jolted, the pain setting fire to his body until his vision was swimming with white, and Lance thought about how easy it would be to let it consume him, how simple it would be to die. Leaving this world meant leaving his pain, and if the agony would stop along with his heart, then Lance thought that was a pretty good trade.

Death had a firm grip on him, but Keith's might've been stronger...

Coran was ready. And before Lance could give in to his torment, he was thrust up inside the cold air of the pod.

It closed in around him, filling up his lungs with life, and the light faded away into darkness.

Waking up was harder than it should have been.

As Lance was released from the cryo-pod, his eyes were heavy set against his lids. The light around him seemed too bright, and the fog in his mind too thick for him to be awake.

He was used to waking up feeling instantly better, but there was a pulse behind his eyes that warned of a migraine, and a block in his throat that was keeping his voice quiet.

"Lance, how are you feeling?" Shiro asked him. He reached out to help Lance down, and into a chair that they had ready. Pidge was quick to move once Lance was seated, draping a thick blanket around his shoulders that instantly locked some of the heat in around him.

"I'm fine," Lance said. It was like the words had come out automatically, without Lance even having time to process how he actually felt.

He flexed the fingers in his hand and was surprised not to feel the protest of broken bones. Daegn had shattered them in less than a second, but now they seemed brand new.

Lance looked up, and for the first time, he saw the aftermath of whatever had happened to his friends. Shiro's eyes were deep with shadows, and he had bruises along his jaw that were now a sickly shade of yellow. Hunk hadn't gotten out unscathed either, his lip was swollen, and had a large crack down the side. He noted Keith’s bruised eyes, and his swollen nose, Allura's darkened knuckles, and Pidge's red-rimmed eyes. Even Coran looked like he hadn't slept in weeks, with heavy bags, and pale skin.

"What happened to you guys?" Lance asked.

"What happened to us-. Nothing compared to you." Keith said bluntly.

"I'm sorry," Lance said softly. He never wanted anyone to get hurt because of him.

"You don't have anything to apologize for," Shiro told him.

"I shouldn't have let them take me so easily, then you all wouldn't have gotten hurt."

"This isn't your fault, Lance." Shiro said, "Besides, these are all minor compared to-." His voice trailed off shaking, and Lance looked over at their leader. Shiro was smiling in a way that seemed forced, and Lance realized at once at how worried he looked. "Well, I'm just glad you decided to hang on until the end."

Lance looked away. He didn't know what to say to that. Not when the last thing he remembered thinking was how easy it would have been to give in to the pain, at how peaceful it would've been to slip away from the complications of war... He laughed a bit, a sound that was choked and void of any humor at all.

"Yeah," He said, forcing a smile, "You didn't think you could get rid of me that easily did you?"

At Lance's words, something shifted in the room, and the weight became lighter. Hunk was hugging him in seconds, making him promise to never scare him like that again. Pidge also joined up in the hug, threatening to kill him if we ever died, and soon everyone was in there with their own statement, holding Lance to keep promises that he couldn't possibly keep.

Lance couldn't sleep that night. There was a small voice in his mind like a wasp, buzzing around and keeping him on edge.

Lance was alive. He had survived this whole ordeal. He was healed. He was fine... Wasn't he? 

The small ugly voice in the back of his head told him otherwise. It was keen on not letting him forget just how close his brush with death was and just how easy it would be to let go now.

One small misstep could enter Lance into a world of pain and he'd be right back to where he was on the brink, only maybe the next time, he'd give in before someone could get him into a pod.

Lance knew he couldn't let this eat away at him. If he did, he was putting the team at risk, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. But still, he couldn't get Daegn out of his head. He couldn't shake the feelings of doubt and depression that had snaked their way into his mind, past all of his defenses. Lance felt like he was falling without a parachute, and nobody was there to catch him.

Lance tried to push the thoughts to the back of his mind. Dying was not an option, no matter how likely that outcome seemed to be. He was a paladin. They needed him...

Right?

Lance didn't want to get out of the shower. He thought that if he stayed in there long enough he would disappear through the drain with the hot water dripping down his skin. As soon as he stepped out he had to start being a person again, had to start being a paladin again.

He wasn't quite ready to face the reality of war yet. Some part of being on the brink of death, and then being lurched away from it was so disorienting that Lance felt cheated somehow.

He didn't have any of the scars to prove his near brush with death, the healing pod made sure of that. But Lance knew where they'd be if not for the healing of the pods. He trailed his finger along his lip, along his ribs... His unseemingly marked skin was smooth to the touch. 

Some painful part of his past was suddenly bubbling to the surface. A part of him that he thought he left behind years ago. He remembered the sting of fresh scars under the heat of the rushing water, but that old familiar rush of pain didn't come, and he knew he shouldn't have missed it.

Lance turned the water off and stepped out of the shower stall. The rush of cold air chilled his bones before he wrapped a towel tightly around himself. The plush material sucking in the warm left on his skin.

He blew out a slow breath. He was okay. Today was a new day, and everything was going to be fine. Nobody was dying today. He heard Shiro's words loud and clear repeating in his head.

Lance dressed in his casual wear, and then deposited his dirty towels in the hamper of the washing room.

Walking down the corridor, he wasn't sure where he was headed. He thought maybe he'd look for Hunk in the kitchen first, and if he wasn't there, he'd try to find Pidge. If all failed after that he'd find Coran and let him ramble about his old Altean tales for a few hours.

Lance couldn't be alone right now. Years of practice had helped Lance recognize his own warning signs, and he couldn't self-destruct right now, no matter how easy it would be, no matter how tempting it was.

Being alone meant being with his mind, and Lance's mind was not always the best company when bad things happened. He would panic, overthink, and repeat until he had spiraled himself down a hole that he had no way of getting himself out of.

He couldn't let that happen, because that would mean his friends would know. They'd find out about the depression that sometimes returned during the hard times, and they'd feel sorry for him. They'd look at him like he was made of glass, like the slightest touch could shatter him completely and Lance couldn't think of anything worse than that.

They wouldn't have to pull him out of his well if Lance never started digging it. So Lance snapped his shovel in two, shoved his hands in his pockets, and continued down the hall.

Lance had almost made it to the kitchen when Allura's voice was over the coms summoning all of them to the control room. Lance felt his heart sink as he broke into a run. He hadn't been ready to do this yet. He had needed just a day to process what had happened, to have been a teenager again... But the universe apparently hadn't gotten that memo, and Lance couldn't be selfish about this. Not when there were people depending on him.

He arrived in the control room with the rest of the team. Coran and Allura had some map pulled up, and the rest of the team had crowded around them.

"What's going on?" Lance asked.

"A Galrian ship is in range. It's headed our way," Allura said, not taking her eyes off the screen.

Lance frowned, looking at the screen.

"Well, let's suit up, team." Shiro said, "Let's take them out before they know what hit them."

Lance rushed down to his lion. As he grabbed onto the zip line he felt his fingers tingling. This was something he could handle. Being with blue always made him feel better, and as long as he was with her, and with his team, he would be fine. Blue wouldn't let anything bad happen to him again.

As he slid into the pilot's chair, he felt a warm vibration at the back of his mind.

"Heya, beautiful." Lance said cheerfully, "Miss me?" He took the controls in his hands and pushed her forward. "Let's go get 'em!"

That was easier said than done. Two minutes into the fight and the all too familiar feeling of being in a losing battle was creeping it's way to the surface.

Lance nose-dived, trying to avoid the two fighters that had been tailing him. He pulled up with a yell, feeling the restraints of gravity as he struggled to keep blue flying straight.

"Lance! Watch your left!"

Lance was barely able to avoid the fighters that had come to replace the two he'd just gotten rid of. He ground his teeth together and he maneuvered around them. He could hear the blood rushing through his veins in a steady thump.

"I'm getting a little tired of playing tag here!" Pidge complained.

"She's right.." Shiro panted, "Let's form Voltron!"

Lance felt that familiar tug at the back of his mind. He let Blue take over, flying over towards the rest of the team, he opened his mind to the others, allowed them inside, but not too far inside. Lance wouldn't allow them to see the creep of doubt that lingered in his mind, the small voice that hadn't left him alone since they arrived on Oyhiri, despite them being thousands and thousands of miles away.

Once they were fighting as one unit, the battle took a turn in their favour. The fighters diminished one after another until they were able to concentrate on the fleet itself.

"Let's finish this!" Shiro yelled. And Voltron took off, sword in hand, and shield in the other as they blasted towards the ship.

Lance watched the ion canon firing up, the blast locked onto them. He swallowed the lump rising in his throat. He felt the trickle of sweat dripping down the back of his neck, could feel that uncomfortable warmth that had him shivering in his seat. And then there was a sharp crack. Lance's mind surged and tumbled as they were forced apart by some unseen force.

With a yelp, Lance was floating away. Blue wasn't responding to his commands. It was like she just went cold. 

"What was that?" Keith demanded.

"Why were we split apart?!" Hunk asked after him.

"Lance! Look out!" Pidge yelled, Lance looked out and saw the ion cannon ready to blast and he was directly in front of it.

And then he wondered just what would happen if he took his hands off the controls, and did nothing. Or if he closed his eyes and allowed himself to be hit by the blast. He silently debated with himself whether it'd be a fatal injury, or if blue would somehow take over and save them both. He could imagine his teammate's reactions. All wondering what had happened, if he'd passed out, or just lost his mind... Lance huffed a humorless laugh. He could hear them shouting,

"Lance! MOVE!"

Pidge's voice brought him back from the edge.

He barrow rolled forward, out of the trajectory of the ion cannon. He was panting, eye's wide with realization. He had almost just gotten himself blown up. And nobody was saying anything.

"Let's get out of here. Allura, ready a wormhole!" Shiro said, breaking the silence. And he could hear the way his voice was shaking.

Lance returned to the hanger a shaking mess. He didn't know what had come over him, he didn't know why, but he had a suspicion that he was responsible for causing Voltron to break apart. He'd put his friends in danger in the heat of battle, and quite literally almost got himself killed.

He stepped out of his lion, struggling to get his helmet off with shaky fingers.

"Lance? Are you alright? What happened back there?" Shiro asked, rushing over to him. Lance shook his head, at a loss for words. He couldn't look at him in the eye. Not when they'd had to abandon the fight because of him.

"I-I don't know. I couldn't move."

Shiro frowned, eyeing the Blue lion. "Your lion wasn't responding? Did you take a hit? Maybe something's wrong?" I'm what's wrong. Lance thought and then threw it away. He was fine. This was a fluke. He froze. It wouldn't happen again.

"I don't know," Lance said desperately, "I don't know what happened."

Shiro put a hand on his shoulder and offered him a small smile.

"It's okay. We'll get Coran to take a look," Shiro said, "Get some rest, you look like you could use it."

Lance smiled back at him and nodded, but he didn't miss the frown on the rest of the team's faces, and he certainly, didn't miss the feeling of all of their eyes trailing him on the way out.

Lance had thought his paranoia was something that he would be able to sleep away. But as it turns out, in order to do that, you actually had to sleep.

He couldn't remember the last time he slept through the night, and he was finally starting to notice the effects it was having. He was more irritable during the days and had lost his appetite. He felt like a shadow of himself. Like he was there, but not quite.

But nobody seemed to have noticed any change in his behavior. Despite Lance's growing suspicion that they all knew something was off about him, not once did anyone mention the dark circles underneath his eyes or his lack of jokes at meal times... They didn't even notice that he'd had been spending more time alone with the space mice than anyone he could have a real conversation with.

He thought that might've been for the best. They weren't worried about him, so he wasn't some burden that they all had to carry, besides, Lance was fine. He was just overreacting. He had been having a bad week, that's all. Soon he would be sleeping again, and he'd be back to his normal self. Lance was fine. And if he wasn't, he would be. Because there was nothing wrong with him, nothing for him to be paranoid or upset about. 

Hunk was the first one to notice a change in Lance.

It had happened after a hard mission, where they went down swinging sure, but they had gone down hard.

He had been running through a heavily forested area trying to rendezvous back to the team and had decided to take a shortcut. Lance was in his head more than he was in the real world and didn't notice to tree roots that had tangled his feet up. He tripped over himself, landing headfirst down a short drop into a stream. The pain throbbed at his temples. Lance watched the water run red as his blood was quickly swept downstream.

"Oh... no." Lance mumbled, forgetting the lines of open communications on their helmets. He felt something warm and wet traveling down his face until it was getting in his eyes, making him see red. He frantically wiped the blood away.

"What's wrong?" Shiro asked instantly, but his words sounded like he was underwater, and there was a static to the sound that had never been there before, and Lance was starting to think he really messed up this time.

"I'm-" Dizzy. Is what he wanted to say, but the world spun out from under him and he was tilting. Lance struggled to get himself out of the stream, and the next thing he knew he was falling over into the freezing water again. The rocks swiped at his hands, cutting holes in his flight suit.

It had all happened so fast he wasn't even sure how he'd managed to get hurt. He silently cursed himself for being so distracted, for letting himself get hurt again. But that had been happening a lot lately...

Ever since the incident on Oyhiri, Lance had had trouble focusing on missions. He was always watching where he shouldn't have been, or internally panicking over his own well-being when he should have been focusing on rescuing others.

"-ance! Tal- me! What's -ng -?" Shiro's voice frantically cut into Lance's thoughts. But how was Lance supposed to answer if he couldn't understand what he was saying? Could they even hear Lance if he tried to answer?

Lance tried to pry his helmet off his head, but with each pull, it sent tingles of pain through his body, and he thought it might have been better to leave it.

He didn't know what to do. His head felt like sludge, and this was now the second time that he had messed up while on an important mission. He needed to get it together before the others started questioning his place on the team. If he couldn't get over himself then he had no business trying to save the universe.

"He's here!"

Those words weren't clouded at all, they sounded closer too. Lance barely had time to process the hands helping him up as they turned him over into a sitting position on the grass. Hunk was then kneeling in front of him, he removed Lance's helmet for him, and set it aside, them began examing the damage Lance had done.

"Jeez. How did you manage this, man?" He asked. Lance shrugged.

"I don't know," He responded, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay... There's just a lot of blood." He said examing him. "What happened?"

"I fell," Lance said plainly. But his voice sounded strange, distant, like he was hearing it through a telephone, and not through his own ears.

"He said he fell, his helmet is busted up too." Hunk reported to the others, concern coating his words. "What should I do?.... Copy."

Hunk turned his attention back to Lance and hoisted him up. "Alright, I'm going to get you back to the castle, just hang on."

"I'm okay," Lance replied. "I can walk," He didn't like the way the words seemed to echo around his head, or the way Hunk looked sick to his stomach. He pulled himself away from Hunk's hands, but then he was swaying slightly, the dizziness really taking hold.

"Are you sure about that?" Hunk said lightly, "Just, let me help you. Okay, buddy?" Hunk hooked Lance around the waist tightly, and Lance nodded.

"Okay."

When they got back to the castle, Coran cleaned him up and made him go in a cryo-pod for a varga just in case he had done any real damage to his brain, though, he hadn't seemed that concerned.

When Lance emerged later that day, everyone had been there to see him.

"Whoa, it's like deja vu," Lance said, with a small smile. He hated that he had made his friends worry about him again.

"That's not funny, Lance." Pidge pointed out, but she was smiling at him. she leaned over and gave him a one-armed hug. "Be careful, yeah?"

Lance nodded. "Promise." with an exaggerated yawn, Lance moved to go back to his room. "I'm going to rest a little, the pods always take it out of me..." He took a few steps before Hunk called him back.

"You sure you're okay, man?" Hunk asked carefully. Lance put on a smile like he always did and nodded.

"'Course. Why wouldn't I be?" He asked.

"Just, you've... been kinda distant lately. If something's going on, you can come to me. you know that right?"

Lance felt his heart jolt at his words. He looked around the room. Everyone was staring at him with this sort of sad expression as if they'd talked about this already, and elected Hunk to be the one to bring it up...

"Yeah, Hunk. I know."

A weight seemed to have been lifted off Hunk's shoulders. He smiled, letting out a small breath and nodded. "Good. Get some rest."

Lance smiled but as soon as the door shut behind him it disappeared from his face. He wasn't sure when it had become so easy to lie directly to his friend's faces, especially when they only wanted to help him. But he'd just crossed that line, and deep down he knew he could never go back.

It was just like that, Lance had taken a step into the very whole he was trying to avoid. He didn't want this to be a problem. He didn't want to be a problem. He could handle this. Everything was fine.

Sleep was becoming something of a stranger to Lance. He spent most of his nights curled up in bed with his eyes closed, drifting somewhere between consciousness and dreaming. Images moved behind his lids in blurs of motion, but he could never get the rest he needed.

Lance peeled his sleep mask off of his face and squinted into the darkness of his room. The room was illuminated by a single torch that was hanging on the wall. Lance frowned at it. He didn't remember it being there before.

"Hello, Lance."

Lance jumped at the voice. He turned, and standing directly in front of him was Daegn. He was at least ten feet tall, looming over Lance with a wild smile stretched across his face, sharp fangs protruding through his cheeks.

Lance screamed, lurching forward into the darkness.

He couldn't see. He couldn't hear. He flailed around, trying to get the sheets away from his skin, to try to get away from Daegn. But then he was hearing music, the sweet sound of a violin humming a soft melody. Lance paused, he reached up, peeling the headphones from his head, and then his sleeping mask.

Lance's heart was beating so hard in his chest that he thought he might have had a heart attack. His skin was drenched in sweat, but he felt freezing cold all over. He blew out short breathes, sucking in large amounts of air that didn't seem to want to go into his lungs. He inhaled sharply and choked on a sob. He stuffed his fist to his lips, trying to break off the noise. The dream hadn't made sense, he'd recognized that it was strange, but he couldn't shake the image of Daegn standing over him again. Not again, because once was enough, and last time, last time, Lance had barely made it out alive.

A knock on the door, had his heart picking up the pace, and then the door was opening, and there was a tall figure in the doorway. Lance pushed himself back onto his bed, putting more distance between him and whoever this was.

"Lance?" Shiro asked, "Are you alright? I heard you scream."

Lance couldn't speak. His throat felt raw and dry, and he still couldn't breathe.

Shiro must have recognized the panic on Lance's face because he was next to him in a second, one hand was placed firmly over Lance's chest, and the other was rubbing small gentle circles into his back.

"Breath in with me," Shiro said, then inhaled a large exaggerated breath. Lance tried to follow suit, but his breath had turned shaky and sputtered back out of his mouth before it was meant to. "Again," Shiro instructed in a soft voice, and Lance tried again.

He wasn't really sure how long they stayed there. Breathing long breaths until Lance knew he wasn't going to suffocate.

Shiro smiled softly at him and nodded when he was satisfied that Lance's initial panic was gone.

"See? You're okay." Shiro told him, then removed the palm over his chest, but he continued to rub Lance's back.

"I'm sorry," Lance said. His voice sounded so small and shaky, that he hardly recognized it as his own, but Shiro didn't even flinch.

"It's okay. These things happen." Shiro told him with an understanding smile.

"I just-. I got scared." Lance said, Shiro nodded but didn't question him, and Lance knew he wouldn't. If Lance didn't want to talk about it, Shiro wouldn't push him, but he also wouldn't leave Lance alone until he knew that he was alright.

"We all do sometimes," Shiro told him. "There's nothing wrong with that."

But Lance didn't know how to make Shiro understand that it's not the type of fear that you get over, but the kind that lingers until it eats you alive. Besides, even if Shiro understood the nightmares and the terror of staring death directly in the face, he didn't know what it was like to be there, waiting to tilt over to one side and be more afraid to live than to die. He didn't know what it was like to want to give in to pain if it meant never feeling it again.

Lance's injuries had healed without leaving any trace behind. But it didn't make the memory of his pain any less vivid in his mind. Lance found himself staring at the places on his body that should have been bruised, at the places that should have been scarred. Something about it didn't seem right. Something about it made Lance feel like what he experienced wasn't worth the anguish he felt.

But still, Lance found himself nodding, and with each unsaid word, he felt himself sinking into that hole deeper and deeper. Shiro could help you. He wouldn't judge you. Lance told himself. But he's worried about you enough. Don't burden him anymore.

And so Lance didn't.

"I think I'm okay now," Lance said, and it had never felt farther than the truth.

"Yeah?" Shiro asked, slowing his circles and removing his hand. "Good. Listen, don't hesitate to come to me with anything. Hunk told you we were there for you, and we all mean that, Lance. We're a team. We're family."

Lance nodded, a small smile trying to form on the ends of his lips. "I know."

So why didn't he believe it?

The Galra kept coming.

They rushed inside in waves, guns blaring, sending laser blasts in every direction. Lance took them out; one by one, not watching long enough to see them hit the floor. He was perched along some rafters, high above where his friends fought on the ground. His rifle aimed as he scanned around to see where his help was needed. He tried to focus on the task at hand, focused on keeping his team safe, focused on the targets who wouldn't hesitate to kill them. He did not focus on the way his hands were shaking or to the dull ache behind his eyes. The door opened again, and Lance was shooting before the Galra could make it one step into the room.  

This is what Lance would have imagined an ambush to be like, though technically, they had already known how heavily guarded this base would be, though a computer screen didn't compare to the reality, seeing the soldiers attacking was different than seeing a floating icon on a screen. Lance threw the thoughts away as he just barely made it in time before Pidge was hit from behind. He let out a shaky breath, murmuring a sound of recognition as she thanked him over the coms. 

"Lance, we need your help down here!" Shiro said and Lance felt his heart drop into his stomach. He felt better to have been fighting from above. If he wasn't in range, he couldn't get hurt, but he could still do his job. Lance swallowed heavily, taking aim at the Galra bots.

"Lance! Now!" Shiro prodded.

"Okay!" Lance said hastily. He jumped up from his stomach and hooked his bayard to his side and he carefully climbed down from his spot to avoid detection.

Lance had one foot on the ground when he was suddenly tackled down to the ground.

"Do you not watch your own back?!" Keith demanded, rolling off of Lance and over to his side. "You almost just got yourself killed!"

Lance blinked in surprise. Keith looked livid beneath his helmet, eyes frantic and blazing fire right into Lance's face.

"I didn't see-." Lance stammered. He hadn't even looked to make sure nobody had spotted him on his way down, hadn't even though to check for his own safety. Lance had only wanted to get on the ground as fast as possible as Shiro had requested. Keith studied him a moment longer, before pulling Lance up. Lance felt a twist in his side and hissed, he must have hit the ground harder than he thought...

Lance and Keith were pinned down. Keith had pushed him behind a large crate that they were able to use as a shield, but it wouldn't hold forever.

"We gotta do something!" Keith said, risking a glance over the top of the crate, only to duck back down with an agitated groan. Lance peeked over the side and saw the formation of guards closing in towards them. He looked up, eyeing the banister that was positioned overtop of them, making note of the support cables keeping it in place. Lance lifted his bayard up, and it transformed back into his gun, but Keith put a hand to his wrist stopping him.

"What are you going to do? Close your eyes and shoot? There are too many of them for you to handle on your own." He said sternly.

"No," Lance said with a glare. He tugged Keith closer and pointed up at the banister that Lance had been perched on. "I'm going to shoot it down and crush them. Then we'll be able to get out of here, and help the others."

Keith opened his mouth, but no words came out. With an amused sort of laugh, he looked over to Lance and nodded.

"Good thinking," he said with a nod. Lance pressed his lips together and nodded back.

He took aim, blew out a slow breath, and fired. He kept his finger pressed over the trigger, until the large walkway was swaying to one side, Lance pivoted himself, shooting at the other end, until the cables came loose and it was coming down, crushing a good majority of the sentries that had them cornered.

"Come on!" Lance said, he grabbed Keith, forcing him up, "Cover me," Lance ordered. Keith brought up his shield and moved through the unfallen sentries. Lance fired quickly, and quietly. He didn't tell Keith what he was planning to do, but he didn't need to, Keith seemed to know what he was getting at.

"Pidge!" Lance called, "You need to shut down the sentries controls! There're too many of them!"

"Yeah, I know!" She called back, a twinge of annoyance in her words. Lance felt a ting in his side. He clenched his jaw, of course she knew... "Get me over to the control panel, and I'm on it!"

"You heard her, let's get in tight formation, cover each other!" Shiro said.

Lance moved, pulling his shield down only long enough to move faster. His chest heaved with exhaustion and excision, but he refused to slow down.

Lance took up position next to Pidge, bringing up his shield up again to barricade them in. The sentries shots continued, and the closer they got, the more Lance struggled to stay upright. The pressure from the lazer fire was backing him up until he was pressed tightly against his teammates.

"Come on, Pidge!" Keith bit out.

"One more tic-!" She hissed, "and-. Got it!"

All at once the sentries clattered to the ground. Lance brought his shield down and let out a breath. His heart was beating so hard in his chest that he could hear the blood rushing in his ears, the steady thump that reminded him that he was alive.

"Come on," Shiro said, breathing just as heavily as Lance was, "Let's get back to the ship,"

Allura was there to greet them when they returned.

"Good work," Allura said with a smile, "At this rate, we'll be taking the fight to Zarkon is no time." Her eyes landed on Lance and her smile fell completely. Lance felt the surge of his heart dropping at the sight of it, but before he could even wonder why she was frowning, Allura was rushing over. "Lance, you're bleeding!"

Lance looked down to see a stretch of torn fabric coated in blood. He made a noise in the back of his throat, having just noticed the large wound in his side.

"I am," He agreed halfheartedly.

Now that Lance was aware of his wound, his adrenaline was crashing and he felt the pain of it all. What had been nothing more than a pull in his side now felt like the giant tear that it was, and then Lance's legs were giving out on him, and he felt himself sinking to the ground.

"Ah, no you don't-" Allura said hoisting him back up. "Let's get you to the infirmary."

Coran had been able to deduce that his wound had come from stray laser fire almost instantly. All he needed was some stitches and a good night's rest.

"I've never had stitches before," Lance said quietly.

"It's not big deal," Coran said, overly cheery. "I'll just sew you back up, good as new! Here." He handed Lance a small cup of a pink liquid that Lance drank. It burned going down and left Lance choking on the bitterness of it.

"What was that?" He asked.

"It'll numb you up so you won't feel a thing."

Somehow, that didn't make Lance feel better.

"Why didn't you tell anyone you got shot?!" Keith asked. His brows were knit tightly together, and he wouldn't look Lance in the eyes. And despite everything about him screaming anger, Lance thought that he was actually worried about him.

"I didn't know."

"You didn't know," Pidge said slowly, "that you were shot?"

"Didn't feel it," Lance said, then considered, "I do now though."

"Well, was it before or after your stunt with the banister?" Keith snapped

"Hey, you liked my stunt!" Lance shot back.

"That was before I knew you were hurt!"

Lance felt a pull at his side and hissed, he looked down, only for Hunk to gently block his vision of his wound.

"Hey, uh, might wanna trust me on this one... Not a good idea to look," He said with a sympathetic smile.

Lance blew out a shaky breath and leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

He felt something slide in between his fingers, he looked down and saw Pidge sitting there with a small smile.

"It's not as scary as it seems," she said, "When I was ten, Matt pushed me out of a tree in our backyard and I needed three stitches in my right knee."

Hunk blew out a laugh. "So what? Like yesterday?"

"Hey!" Pidge snapped.

But Lance was laughing.

"She's right, you're not even going to feel it, Lance," Shiro said.

Lance looked over and frowned at Shiro's smug face.

"How do you know?"

"Because Coran's just about finished on the first one-,"

"What?!" Lance demanded, going to look, but then remembering Hunk's words, he closed his eyes and sunk back against his seat with a groan.

"Just a few more tics," Coran said, "Just about finished."

Six stitches later, Coran had secured a tight bandage around Lance's torso to keep them covered.

"You'll need plenty of rest, so get on it." He said, leaning away from Lance.

Lance sat forward, he felt the tingles of sensation returning to his body, and could just make out the uncomfortable tug of the wires holding his skin together.

"Thanks, Coran." Lance said.

Though, Lance knew deep down that the rest wouldn't come for a long, long time.

Chapter Text

The ache of steady hot pain pulled him from the drift between sleep and consciousness, and although Lance was thankful to finally be free of the disorienting moments, his eyes burned beneath heavy lids. How many nights in a row was this now? Four? six? He couldn't have said exactly, and maybe not knowing was for the better, if he wasn't sure how many hours of sleep he'd gotten then who was to say that he was exhausted, despite how he might have felt? 

Besides, Lance had been feeling a lot of things over the past few weeks since their arrival on Oyhiri and his run-in with Daegn. The cruel alien hadn't even blinked at the immense amount of pain he had brought down on Lance. In fact, Lance doubted he even cared how close he had brought him to death. But Lance couldn't forget. The lingering pain from the attack had gone away the moment he stepped out of the healing pod, physically. But that didn't explain why he often felt sharp pains in his chest, or the stiffness in his fingers. He had been brought back from the edge so quickly, Lance hadn't had a moment to breathe, a moment to realize that he would be okay before he simply was. 

It wasn't supposed to play out like this. Lance had promised himself he wouldn't get hung up on his brush with death, but it seemed he'd been breaking a lot of promises lately, not just to himself, but to his friends. The lying was constant, an attempt to cover up all the signs of weakness Lance felt, he found himself promising over and over again that he was fine. As long as it was to reassure his friends, what was wrong with that?

"I'm all good, just tired, I promise." 

"I already ate, not hungry, I promise." 

"Seriously, Hunk... I'm fine, I promise." 

And for what? So nobody would check-in? So nobody would question his place on the team? Maybe. But Shiro had been insistent that they were a family, that Lance could go to him, could ask for help. But he didn't want to admit that he was in this dark place again. He didn't want to admit just how scared he had been on Oyhiri, he didn't want to admit to how much Daegn had tortured him because if he did...

If he did then he was admitting it to himself too. 

So Lance rolled over, threw his feet over the side of the bed, and tried to ignore the pull of thread in his side the best he could as he rose to his feet. The floor seemed to tilt under him, sending his head in circles. He clenched his eyes together, telling himself it was the ship rocking, not his legs. He took a breath, another, and one more for safety before opening his eyes slowly. He looked at the small watch on the nightstand, 3 o'clock. Lance knew that wasn't right, the small hand had stopped ticking soon after their arrival into space. He sighed, not for the first time thinking of his family back on Earth, he wondered what the Garrison told them. He wondered if they believed it... Some part of Lance realized they probably all thought he was dead. But worse was the feeling that even Lance himself believed some part of that. 

He was different now. Quieter. More jumpy. Was it so wrong to say that the 'old Lance' had died? Was it that far off from the truth when it had taken strange Altean science that looked a lot like magic to Lance to piece him back together?

He sighed deeply, bringing his arms around himself, holding onto this shoulders as he closed his eyes again, he imagined the warm skin of his mother holding him close in her chest, telling his of all the great things he would do one day, of all the places he would explore in his time at the Garrison... She was right, she always was, but Lance didn't realize just how painful it would be. 

After a minute, he grabbed his towel, and slung it over his shoulders. He pressed the button next to the door and it wooshed open, blowing his hair gently. Lance lazily walked out and towards the communal showers. The cold water would wake him from the haze of his own exhaustion. 

He walked through the halls of the ship, empty and quiet save for the soft footfalls of Lance himself. He tried it to ignore how the brightly fluorescent lights stung his eyes, keeping them glued to the floor below him. He turned into the shower hall and took a breath, it wasn't as bright inside and it held a humid sort of warmth that was comforting to Lance. He moved to one of the stalls, hanging his towel and robe up outside before the automated door shut behind him. The water was cold against his skin as it began to rain down, he closed his eyes against it. For a moment, he allowed himself to imagine it was the rain beating against his face. He stood there, unaware of the time passing, under the stream of water until he was shivering from the cold that soaked him. When he opened his eyes, the throbbing in his head had subsided, and so he adjusted the water temperature to warm himself up. 

Once he was done, he grabbed his towel and began drying off, carefully going over the wound in his side. He paused examining the work Coran had done, a thin line of broken threads dotted across his skin, it was still tender to the touch and red with irritation. He realized somewhat with a start that the wound would probably scar, a permanent white line on his skin... Lance wondered how it was he had barely noticed this injury when the ones inflicted by Daegyn seemed to destroy him. The feeling of his teeth going through his lip seemed a much greater pain than that of laser fire. He pushed the thoughts away with the shower door as he began to dress for the day. 

It was then that he realized he wasn't alone. As he pulled on his socks, Shiro came into the room, stopping short when he noticed Lance. He blinked in surprise. 

"Oh, Lance," He said, "What are you doing up? It's barely 6 am." Lance shrugged. 

"Oh, you know, I couldn't get back to sleep, figured might as well get an early start." Shiro smiled at him gently. 

"Yeah... You feeling okay?" 

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" Lance said quickly and judging by Shiro's reaction, a bit too defensively. Shiro frowned, hands coming up. 

"I just meant your wound, we can get you something for the pain if it's bothering you," 

"Right, my wound!" Lance said laughing, "My wound is fine, not bothering me at all," As the words came out, the throbbing had begun again until it was all he could focus on. 

"Are you sure? It's normal if it still hurts, Lance, you don't have to ignore it," Shiro said as if he could see through Lance's lies. 

"Thanks, Shiro! I'll talk to Coran if it acts up, but don't worry, there's no problem over here," He said getting up and tossing his towel over his shoulder too quickly, his arm overextended and the stretch of wire pulled in protest at his side, but Lance didn't turn around to see if Shiro had noticed his wince, instead he pushed through and kept walking, "See you later!" he called back, exiting the room. 

The door shut behind him and he collapsed against it in pain, he blinked the stars away from his vision and glanced down. A fresh dot of blood had seeped through the white of his shirt. Lance swore and tried to cover it with his arm as he quickly made his way back to his room. 

How could he have been so careless? The wound was still fresh, Coran had told him over and over to be careful and take it easy so this kind of thing wouldn't happen. Lance cursed himself, as he entered his room. Why couldn't he have just told Shiro the truth? Why had he needed to lie about a wound Shiro already knew about? There was no way he believed a word Lance said, no way he didn't notice Lance had made it worse on his way out... 

He took a breath, dabbed the blood away with his towel, and wrapped one of the extra bandages Coran had given him around his waist, covering the wound until the blood didn't show. He calmed himself with a breath. He was fine. Everything was okay. 

 You could say it was bad timing. 

The atmosphere was clouded by the smoke of heavy laser fire, and the distant sound of screaming, all muffled because Lance's eardrums had burst some time ago from being too close to an explosion. 

The attack was so sudden that Lance mistook the spray of laser fire for some kind of acidic raindrops. It was only when the citizens began screaming. Allura was ordering them to take cover and Shiro was calling them to form Voltron.

Lance's mind finally caught up with his body. He sprinted towards Blue, but not before someone caught his arm pulling him back in a painful jerk.

"What are you doing? You're still healing!" Allura yelled over the noise.

"I'm fine!" Lance yelled back, maybe too aggressively, Allura startled back and the two were forced to cover their heads as an explosion rained from above them. "I can do this," Lance added, more gently. Allura pressed her lips into a thin line but eventually nodded, and Lance ran off.

He swore under his breath as he wove between the descending blasts, ignoring the ache of stitches in his side, ignoring the steady thump of pain in his head, ignoring how everything sounded just a bit too far away than it should have. 

A blast sent him flying. He collided with something solid knocking the air from his lungs. He forced himself to move. His vision swam, his balance faltered. The first two steps he took, he ended up right back on the ground. Pain exploded from beneath him he grabbed his side and glanced down at this palm, he blinked, startled by the amount of blood that came away. He glanced down seeing his flight suit had been torn apart, more alarming was the blur of red gore. He could see where the thread that had once held him together had torn. His flesh severed apart once again. Lance felt a wave of nausea with the dizziness of shock. 

He clenched his eyes shut. He didn't have time for this. He couldn't sit here and wait for someone to save him. Lance needed to get his shit together, the Galra weren't going to take themselves out. A few moments before Lance was ready, he opened his eyes again. 

 Oh shit. 

He saw the blast before it hit him. There was an explosion of bright white light, beautiful and blinding, and then Lance felt something collide with him. He rolled and rolled, sharp hot pain overtaking his entire body in streams of aching. He finally stilled, laying on his back, his eyes still shut and he heard that voice... 

"How disappointing... You, humans, are so fragile," Daegyn's voice said, but as Lance opened his eyes the man was nowhere to be seen. Instead, he looked up to see Allura crouched over him, eyes frantic. Her hands were pressed into Lance's side, that much he could see, but he couldn't feel a thing. He was very aware of the weight of Allura's hands pressed against him, He could feel the heat radiating beneath his armor, it was an unsettling feeling, one that was sending warning signals to Lance's brain. 

"Allura-," He said, but she cut him off. 

"Don't you talk right now, You're okay. You're going to be just fine." She assured, voice cracking just in the slightest. 

Lance nodded, leaning his head back to look to the sky filled with smoke and embers... His heart beat unsteadily against his chest as he wondered whether or not Allura knew she was wrong before another flash tore across his vision and he faded into it. 

He had only been in the healing pod for a few hours, but when he awoke he felt as if their battle had taken place weeks ago. He was disoriented, his newfound frequent visits inside the pod had left him with more and more hours lost, more time unaccounted for, more battles half-finished brought to an abrupt end... With a cold breath, Lance took his first breath on his own, ignoring the sharp cold pain as he became in control of his lungs again. His eyes drifted open as he dipped forward, his heart jolted at the sight in front of him... Coran stood there to greet him, a blanket draped over with arm, holding a cup of something steaming for Lance, but it was only Coran. 

"Hello, Lance! It's good to see you awake," He said, though Lance didn't miss the sad sort of smile on his face or the edges in his voice. He handed Lance the cup and offering him the blanket, which he graciously accepted. 

"Thanks," Lance began softly, "Where is everyone-?" He cut himself off as he looked around, there were other pods up and activated and to his horror, Lance saw Allura, frozen in sleep, just across from him. He couldn't tear his eyes from her. She looked peaceful, asleep, and Lance couldn't see as signs of injury but it didn't shake the feelings of anxiety. "What happened?" He questioned. 

"Worry not, Lance. The Princess will make a full recovery, just as you did." Coran assured him, "The two of you got yourselves in a bit of trouble back there, the others had a hard time trying to find you amidst the smoke, there was an explosion. You two must have been caught up in it." 

Oh no. Lance felt his blood turn cold, he felt sick with guilt. It was his fault. She had come after him, even after she had warned him against going to blue, she had told him not to. But Lance had been stubborn, he had been desperate to prove he was fine. It had been fine when it was just him who had gotten hurt, but now he had gotten Allura badly injured as well. 

"I'm so sorry, Coran. This is all my fault," Lance said, tears of his own frustration and self-anger threatening behind burning eyes. 

"There's no need to apologize, this was not your fault," 

"But she only got hit because of me, I got hurt and she came after me and-," 

"And she did what any one of you would have done and tried to help you. Allura would not have abandoned one of her paladins, as I'm sure you would not abandon her," 

"But-,"

Before Lance could argue there was a loud sound of air releasing as Allura's pod began to open, Lance rushed forward, helping her from stumbling out onto the floor. Allura rubbed at her eyes and yawned. 

"Allura-," Lance gasped, relieved, as tears welled up in his eyes. 

"Lance, thank goodness you've recovered," She said. 

"Me? I'm fine, really. I'm so sorry you got hurt because of me," Lance said quietly. 

"Please, I'm alright," She said stretching as she accepted a cup and blanket from Coran. Lance must have had some sort of worried expression because she continued, "Really Lance, Do not trouble yourself over this, just promise me you'll break this habit of winding up in the healing pods," 

His heart skipped a beat at her request, falling deep, deep down into the well at the bottom of his stomach. 

"I promise," He said. She watched him for a second, then smiled and nodded. 

"Good, now let's go find the others, I'm starving," She said taking off. 

As he watched her go, Lance wondered if he was done with his lies, if this would be the first promise he would keep in a long while. As much as he wanted to believe that, a darker voice told him there was no chance... 

Some nights were harder than others, Lance had learned. 

His dreams had begun to spin themselves in with reality, mixing together until they were a mess of memories and moments that Lance couldn't differentiate between. He often found himself questioning whether something had actually happened or whether it was something his delusional state had made up. The experience was something new, that Lance never expected, it was as alarming as it was disorienting. 

It had crept up on him one morning when he woke to the feeling of nausea. It was in that old familiar feeling of anxiety-induced sickness that had him longing for his mother, for his bed back on Earth... And really well, just the Earth in general.

He missed going out to the beach to listen to the waves. The steady roll of the tide calming his shaking nerves until he was able to pick himself up again. On the castle ship, he only had the sound of the buzzing air filtration system to keep him grounded. It wasn't nearly the same and wasn't even close to bringing him the same amount of comfort as the ocean did. But as he got dressed, he told himself it had to be enough. His mother wasn't here to understand Lance's bad days, and he wouldn't put that on the others to recognize the warning signs when for all they knew nothing was wrong with him.

But nothing is wrong with me, Lance would remind himself. Everything is okay. I'm fine. And if he wasn't, he would be. 

But the feelings lingered, surrounding him like a fog that wouldn't let up, and no matter how hard he tried to swat it away, it kept on pooling around his feet, anchoring him in place.

Lance walked down the hall to the kitchen, dragging the weight of his feet behind him like a ball and chain around his ankles. His eyes felt heavy, and his mind was clouded with this unshakable feeling that something terrible was going to happen. 

"Morning, Lance!" Coran called, as he entered the dining area. He zipped over, forcing a bowl into Lance's hand that already had a large portion of goo inside. "Eat up, you'll need your energy for training." 

"Thanks," Lance said with a small smile. The small gesture had loosened some of the tension Lance realized he was holding in his shoulders, and he sat down with the others. 

But as he picked up his spoon, it felt heavy in his hand, and the thought of eating turned Lance's stomach. He shoveled it around the bowl absentmindedly. The pit in his stomach had returned, and the thought of putting any food inside made him feel nauseous. He sat there, picking up small bits with his spoon, only to stir it back into the portion in his bowl 

Lance wasn't sure where his mind had wandered off too, but it definitely wasn't with him now, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't hang on to the words of conversation happening around him. 

"Lance, you okay?" Hunk asked. Lance looked over and nodded. 

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" Lie. Lance's mind repeated over and over at him. 

"You haven't touched your food," Hunk pointed out. 

"Oh. Yeah." Lance said, looking down at his bowl, "I guess I'm just not that hungry right now." 

"Try a couple of bites. You'll need it before training." Shiro added. 

Lance smiled, and nodded, instantly placing a small bite into his mouth. Hunk smiled back, and then returned to the conversation. 

The goo was thick on Lance's tongue and practically tasteless. he swallowed it, and then took another bite, and another until he had gone into autopilot as he finished the bowl. 

Something in the pit of his stomach had warned Lance that today's training was going to be messy. But as he stood there, missing almost every shot, he felt shame grip his heart, and it wouldn't let go. 

"Focus, Lance!" Allura said urgently as the floating balls surrounded him once again. All he had to do was shoot them. That's it. That's what his job was as the sharpshooter, but now, even that seemed impossible. 

He grit his teeth together, watching the balls dart around through the lens on his gun. He fired, over and over again, missing each ball by a hair. He rose his shield to avoid the fire that had no problem hitting him. 

He fired again, this time managing to hit a few. He let his breath filter out through his clenched jaw as the exercise ended. He let his bayard transform, and let out a sigh, swiping at his brow. 

"Lance, everything okay?" Shiro asked quietly coming over to him. "I've seen you ace those exercises thousands of times before," 

"Yeah, I'm fine," Lance said automatically, but Shiro frowned at his words. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes," Lance bit out, without meaning to. "I guess I just need more practice."

"Lance-," Shiro said, reaching out for him, but Lance ducked away from him. 

"I need a breather," 

He turned on his heel and left Shiro standing there. He wasn't sure why he'd gotten so irritable. Shiro was only trying to help him, but Lance didn't like his prying either. He didn't want anyone to know just how damaged he felt. He didn't want them to know but how broken Daegn had left him. The healing pod might've been able to fix all of his broken bones, but they didn't do anything for the pieces left shattered in his mind.

He grabbed a water pouch from Coran as he stepped out of the doors that slid open for him on his way out. Nobody said a word and he left, a fact for which he was thankful for. His hands had begun to shake as he walked down the bright hallway. What happened... His mind whispered over and over again. Deep down he knew the answer, but it wasn't one he was going to pull to the surface just yet. 

Useless. Useless. Useless. 

That's what they were all probably saying right now, Lance figured. Voltron was a unit, it couldn't function properly without each member pulling their weight, and if Lance couldn't handle it then-. Stop. 

He wouldn't think like that. Lance was not useless. He had gotten himself here, he had saved his friends in battle multiple times, he was a part of this team just as much as any of them were, and just because he had a bad session didn't change that... Right? A soft-spoken voice deep inside him told him not necessarily. It hadn't, after all, just been one practice... It had been missions too, hadn't he just gotten Allura hurt in their most recent one? 

How many times could he apologize for the same thing before the team finally replaced him? No. He wouldn't let it come to that. He'd get better, he'd do better, and his teammates would never hear a complaint from him again.

If there was one thing in the whole universe that could quiet Lance's anxiety, it was the ocean. There was something about the endless horizon, the crashing waves, and the warm sun that grounded him. 

In the middle of outer space, there was no ocean, no waves, and no warmth. 

The closest thing he had was Blue, if only that her colour reminded him of home. His lion was the one thing he felt somehow understood him in his loneliness. Blue had picked Lance for a reason, for what he wasn't quite sure yet... But he accepted the safety net she provided him without question, especially in the midst of battle. 

Lance had always known he wasn't the greatest pilot. His mind knew the proper maneuvers, knew what he was supposed to be doing, but his brain could never send the signals down to his hands fast enough for him to actually pull them off. Flying with Blue was a different story entirely. 

It seemed that Blue knew what Lance wanted to do a second before even Lance did and his hands flowed easily with her controls. Barrelroll, dive, dodge. It all came with a smoothness that Lance had only ever wished he'd be able to achieve, now it was normal to him, Lance seemed to have become the pilot he had always dreamed of becoming, discovered so many secrets about the universe, yet he couldn't share any of his accomplishments, he barely even had time to process it himself, not with the ever-present threat of war. 

Lance had lost track of which battle this was. It could've ranged anywhere from their twentieth to fiftieth, but regardless they hadn't gotten easier. 

He tried to pull up inside Blue with a yell, straining against the gravity that wanted to pull her lower and lower to the ground. 

"Come on, come on-!" He muttered under his breath. His heart was pumping rapidly in his chest, adrenaline coursing through his veins. Lance had crashed before, in Blue, and in the flight simulator hundreds of times, but nothing could ever get you used to the tousled feeling of impact as physics worked against you. 

He felt the bottom of Blue scrape the ground, jolting him around in his seat before managing to straighten out and shoot himself upward to rejoin the others. 

"Lance, you good?" Shiro's voice came over the communicator, 

"Just peachy," Lance bit back and he aimed towards two more fighter jets coming his way and open fired, swirling to the right and up to avoid the rays that traced his movements. "They're running circles around us!" Lance called out as he rolled out of range. 

"He's right, we need to-AGH!" Keith's voice split off in an agonizing scream, and Lance's heart jolted in fear. 

"Keith?!" 

"I'm fine, let's finish this!" Keith's voice came a moment later, airy and angry, and Lance watched as Red zipped in front of him tearing one jet apart and tossing it into another. 

"Don't need to tell me twice," Hunk replied. 

Lance pushed forward after them getting into formation as he could feel the edges of his mind ease as he allowed Blue inside. Forming Voltron had become second nature. The blur of everything around came with an intuition of the motion still moving even though everything seemed to slow. It was warm and tingly as he became aware of the other paladins around him, he could feel Keith's edge, and Hunk's nervousness, along with Pidge's determination, and Shiro's calmness all coming together into one feeling, one energy that pulled them into a unit. Lance felt the walls of his mind coming down, brick by brick he was taken apart as the others began to look inside. Not too close, Lance thought, Not too much.  

He clenched his eyes together, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he felt them prodding inside his head. Reaching farther than he wanted them, looking in the places he was determined to keep hidden, and without realizing it, the bricks began to lay themselves again, taller and taller and taller. Don't look there. 

A strain-.

A cry-. 

A crack-.

Pain clouded Lance's mind. It was sharp and insistent, and it left him feeling nauseous as the spinning refused to stop. 

"Lance!" 

At the sound of his name, he realized why. He opened his eyes to see the ground spinning out in front of him. Blue was falling. Lance yelled as he went to pull up, but as his hand grabbed the controls they turned cold in his hand as Blue's screen blinked away and the gentle vibration of his Lion stilled to nothing. 

He could see the ground getting closer and closer. He gripped the hand rests helplessly, fingernails turning white with force. He closed his eyes he braced for the impact to come. Please, He thought. Blue had gone cold, they hadn't formed Voltron, and now, Lance was going to crash from hundreds of feet above the rocky terrain below. He felt his stomach rolling out inside him, but he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. 

And then, will a painful jolt he steadied. He looked through squinted eyes and could see where Hunk had caught Blue and was transporting him to safety. 

Back on the castleship, he existed Blue on shaky legs. Allura had come running and seemed startled to see Lance walking. 

"Lance! What happened?" She asked, voice full of concern, "Your lion-." 

"I don't know," Lance said voice high. Lie. "I don't know." 

Lance found he spent most days passing back and forth in the hanger recently.

Blue hadn't come back online since their last battle and Lance had a horrifying feeling that maybe she never would. Coran had run multiple tests, done various repairs all in hopes of reconnecting Lance with his Lion, but all had proved futile.  

Worse of it all, deep down Lance knew what had happened. He had built such a solid foundation with Blue, she was a solid force that Lance could count on. He had often found himself sitting inside the cockpit venting about his troubles, reminiscing about the Earth, and he felt understood. Blue, after all, had been found on Earth in the first place. But that all changed when Lance refused to let her inside... He had been the reason the team couldn't form Voltron because he couldn't be open with the others because someone along the line Lance had convinced himself that he was fine. 

As he looked up at Blue he could see the loom of darkness hanging over her, even if nobody else could. Beside him, Pidge and Hunk were assisting Coran in any way that they could to help repair Blue, but they were drawing blanks. 

"It just doesn't make sense, no fuses blown, so sign of external or internal damage..." Coran was saying, almost to himself. 

"You're sure there wasn't anything else, Lance?" Pidge asked again. She sounded tired, and Lance couldn't tell if she was asking again because she didn't believe Lance or was just frustrated. 

"No, there was nothing," Lie. "One minute she was there with me, and the next..." He motioned falling with his hand, hoisting his fist high into the air and letting it drop with a dramatic "WHOOSH!"

She adjusted her glasses and went back to typing, "I don't get it, why would she just turn off? Especially when we were about to form Voltron, we needed it," 

A surge of guilt washed over him. Lance found himself rubbing the back of his neck, averting his gaze. "I know," He said softly, "I'm sorry,"

"Don't apologize, we'll figure this out!" Coran said sliding back from where he was working on the lion, wiping his hands on a dirty rag. "Maybe we can see if the Blue Lion registers with the others. If it does we may be able to narrow down what we're looking for," 

"Good idea, Coran," Hunk said, as the small group made their way to the control deck to find Allura. 

They found her easily enough, exactly where she always was looking at the star charts trying to make a course for their missions in defeating the Galra. The group was a welcomed presence and she jumped at the idea to help with this task. 

Allura brought up the data and frowned at what she found, "Well, that's strange," She said, 

"What? Is it not showing up?" Pidge asked, 

"No... The Blue Lion's locater is in perfect working order," She said offhandedly, "What's strange is that there are no damage indicators, she should be in perfect working order," 

"But she's still offline, she won't respond to Lance," Hunk pointed out, 

"Yes," she said almost to herself, then her eyes widened as her head snapped to Coran, 

"You don't think-," Coran started, and she cut him off, 

"It can't be possible, but-," 

"What?" Lance demanded, 

"I believe, there might be a reason for the Blue Lion's lack of response...," Allura said,

"Why?" Lance found himself asking eagerly, but Allura had a deep frown on her face as she exchanged a glance with Coran, she shook her head softly, a look of disbelief on her face. 

Oh. Oh no. 

"It's... it's me, isn't it?" Lance asked softly. 

"We can't know for sure until-," 

"Until she chooses someone else?" 

"No way! Lance is the Blue Lion's paladin, he's a part of our team!" Pidge said exasperated, 

"I'm afraid that's nobody's decision except for the Lions..." Coran said delicately, "I'm sorry, Lance, it seems for some reason, the Blue Lion has closed herself off to you," He said carefully,

Everyone was watching him, waiting for some type of reaction, but Lance couldn't move, he couldn't speak, because he knew what had happened. Hadn't he been the one to shut her out first? He threw up a curtain to hide just how bad he had become... He didn't want the others to see it, he didn't want them to know, and it had cost them Voltron, it had cost him Blue. 

Chapter Text

Blue hadn't responded to Lance in three days. 

She sat motionless in her hanger, the particle barrier up blocking Lance from entering. He was sitting alone, cross-legged at the base of it. Coran thought some quality time together might help their relationship. Lance didn't have the heart to tell him he didn't think the bond between Paladin and Lion worked like that, after all, what did Lance know in comparison to Coran?

So he was sitting on the cold hard floor, picking at the skin around his fingernails. He could hear his mother's voice scolding him from Earth, Stop that, Lance! You'll ruin those beautiful hands. They were hardly beautiful anymore-, oh. Lance shook the thought away, of course, they were still beautiful. Sure having your fingers crushed would deform them, but the pod had undone that damage. Why did he keep forgetting that? With a heavy sigh, Lance looked up at Blue. 

"You must really hate me now, huh, girl?" He said, voice quiet. He waited, half expecting to feel those energetic bursts of emotion that he'd grown to recognize as Blue buzzing around in his mind. Her lights didn't shine on. The barrier still dividing Lance from her space. "I didn't mean to shut you out too," he leaned forward, his forehead resting on the barrier, he was surprised it didn't feel as cold as the floor. This isn't working. 

Lance rose his hand closing his knuckles and softly knocking on the barrier like he did the first time. He pictured the barrier dissolving under his touch, hearing her roar wake the other lions. He imagined the others rushing to the hangers, rejoicing that Lance hadn't in fact broken his lion, that he hadn't broken the team. 

If you wake up, Lance thought, clenching his eyes together, I promise I'll get better. I won't ever feel sad again. 

It was a promise Lance knew he couldn't keep, no matter how much he wanted it to be true. Maybe that's why it didn't work.

"I didn't mean it," He said, his voice low and hoarse, "I didn't want this, I just-," His voice hitched. Even now, he couldn't bring himself to say those words out loud. I didn't want anyone to see me broken. He blew out a breath, rubbing at his temples as if it would help the migraine that had persisted in her head for days now, no doubt from all of Lance's crying. The pressure was building and building to something greater that Lance wasn't ready to face. "I'm sorry, Blue," Lance pleaded, "I need you with me, girl... If you're not on my side, then whose left?" 

No one. Lance sunk deeper. 

Not now. The walls were caving in around him

Not ever. And he would find no comfort in the darkness of his own tower. 

His hands wouldn’t stop shaking. His knees kept bouncing up and down, the shiver crawling up his spine was exhausting him, but no matter what Lance did the tremors wouldn’t subside. His stomach was uneasy, crawling with nausea but Lance had already thrown up all that he could. His brain seemed to disagree. 

His brain seemed to disagree with a lot of things Lance thought recently. 

He pressed his palms into his eyes, darkness with splotchy lights flashing around his head as he inhaled sharply, holding his breath as he tried to consciously stop his body from shaking. With the stillness came the aches, but as he let the breath out it began once again, frustrated and tired and confused Lance fell backward onto his bed. 

"We have no doubts in any member of our team," Allura cut in sharply, "Our paladins were chosen for a reason, and they all contribute greatly to the cause."

"All of them?" 

Lance forced himself up, just as he forced the memory from his head. It’d been a while since he’d thought about their time on Ohyiri. So why now? 

Because they were right . 

“Stop,” Lance whispered. 

Daegn saw your weakness and now so does everyone. 

“ Please stop,” the sob that escaped his lips was silent but Lance was curling in on himself, his arms wrapped around his stomach, his face pressed into the softness of his sheets. But that tiny voice hadn’t grown from the annoying whisper in Lance’s ear, now it was louder, and menacing, and Lance couldn’t ignore it. Couldn’t deny it. Not when all of the events had led to this. To losing Blue. To losing his position on this team. On losing his friends. He was cargo, fragile, unessential cargo.

Hunk would tell him to quit talking like that. Shiro would argue that this wasn't Lance's fault. Keith would yell that they'll figure it out together. He knew Pidge was probably already working with Coran to find a technical explanation, and Allura-. She was the only one who hadn't assigned Lance to a lion. She never did tell him what the traits were supposed to be. Maybe he didn't have them. Maybe Blue was desperate back on earth, and Lance had been the first one to reach out. Maybe she'd used him to get back here instead of choosing Lance. But he felt bad for thinking that was the second it crossed his mind. He'd felt the connection between Blue. He'd grown used to the gentle rumble of the giant machine, like a cat purring. He'd learned to trust in the lions eyes. How many times had it felt like she was on autopilot when Lance was in a tricky situation?

And how had he repaid her? By shutting, even blue, out of his mind, and now, she'd shut out Lance. Maybe for good. The sobs were rolling out of him, waves crashing through him, rattling his bones with full-body tremors. His breath was short and ragged as his jaw shook from trying to quiet his cries. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. Wasn't that the problem? 

He forced the thought away and lay as still as he could. It was hours before his body finally quieted. Hours before the shaking stopped, and Lance drifted into a dreamless sleep. 

In the morning it was Keith who appeared in Lance's room, summoning him to breakfast. Something so simple, and yet felt so impossible. 

"I just need to lay here a bit longer," Lance said, not turning to look at him in the doorway. He laid still, arms wrapped around his stomach, curled in on himself under the blanket that wasn't quite warm enough. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" Keith asked, his words pulling Lance down and down because if even Keith was asking him that same question then he was in trouble. Especially when his voice sounded so quiet, so gentle like the wrong string of syllables would have Lance unravelling.  

"I'm fine," Lance said, "I just need to sleep for a few more hours," No response came, but Lance could picture him nodding, and for the first time, Lance didn't care whether or not his lie was believable or not. 

"Between you and me, Lance," Keith whispered, "I don't think you've been fine for a long time," Lance's eyes widened. 

"Yeah, well." Lance said laughing, a sound that wasn't all Lance, "I gotta be, right?" 

"No. You don't." Keith stated, coming over to sit next to him on the bed. "This shit is hard. You don't have to pretend everything is fine when we can see you suffering," 

And then Lance was crying, he brought his hand up to cover his mouth as the tears fell silently, but he knew Keith was too smart to miss the way his shoulders shook. Just when he thought he'd gotten them all out. He didn't know what to say, in the end, he didn't need to, "All I'm saying," Keith continued,  "is you're not alone here. Let us be there for you, yeah?" 

A moment later Lance felt him move from the bed, and the sliding door open and close. He waited a minute, and then another before he allowed himself to cry. 

The alarms pulled Lance into a hazy consciousness. The fragments of his dream fading the harder Lance tried to cling to them.

Allura's voice frantic as she called for the Paladins to, "meet in the control room immediately!" In a state of panic, Lance shot out of bed, his head spinning with the quick motion but he pushed through, shoving his hand against the wall, he led himself out of his room and down the hallway.

It didn't take Lance long to realize this was a mistake. Within a few seconds, the bright hallways lights sent waves of pain through his head down his entire body, leaving him stiff and in agony. He hardly knew where he was, whether he had gone too far, or missed a turn. He paused, breathing heavily as he listened. The alarm warnings were still going off, but Lance couldn't hear the footsteps or voices of anyone nearby. He began moving again, trying to bury the panic creeping up his throat, the further he moved, the quieter the alarms grew. With a frustrated cry he turned around and ran. Come on, Lance. 

By the time he manged to arrive, everyone else was already there in quick dicussion. They were talking battle strategies that Lance tried to follow, as he came up to join them, but he felt dazed and found it hard to focus on so many voices talking about something he didn't quite understand.

His head was throbbing a steady dum. dum. dum, right behind his eyes that flowed out through his shoulders, down to his fingertips and into his calves. From what he could gather, a Galra fleet had tracked onto their location and would be there shortly and with one lion out of commission... they needed a battle strategy, and fast. 

Lance's mouth was dry. He licked his lips, but no moisture returned to his mouth. He felt completely useless. It's not like anyone had really paid much attention to his ideas before, now that he couldn't help, rending the use of Voltron impossible, his opinion wasn't valid. Not he had one to offer. His mind was in a haze of dizziness that only worsened his nausea. Swaying on his feet, Lance plopped himself on the ground. He tried to focus on what was happening, but the voices of his friends jumbled together in the back of his mind.

“They’re here-!”

“-got to go!”

“to—lions now!”

Suddenly, somebody was pulling Lance to his feet. Lance cried out in surprise as his feet were taken out from under him.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! You just need to get into your chair!” Allura cried apologetically. Lance nodded, and she helped him over until he was settled.

All Lance could do was sit there and listen, trying to follow what Coran and Allura were saying, listening to the calls from his team over the intercom. But there were too many voices, mixed with too many loud explosions and Lance wondered how he thought his head hurt before because it had been nothing compared to this. There was a dull ache pulsating throughout his entire body, which only got worse with every dip of turbulence. Lance dug his fingernails into the arms of his chair and grit his teeth together as if that would will the pain to dissolve. He felt like he was going to be sick. No. He knew he was going to be sick. He couldn't make out the words, but he could hear the distress in their voices, knew the battle wasn't going well. 

We need Voltron.

It was true, they probably did, but it was impossible. Blue didn't have a pilot. That much was clear... and yet...

Maybe... Lance thought, if we're desperate.  

Without a second thought, Lance pushed past the pain and ran from the control room. 

"We need Voltron!" Lance yelled. The castleship walls blew by in a haze of Lance's concentration, he was already calling out to her desperately pleading. "BLUE! WE NEED YOU!" 

He arrived at the hanger before he knew it, his feet skidding to a stop in front of the barrier that was still active around blue. He braced himself as he came in hot, his hands hitting it with a loud thud. 

"Blue, they need to form Voltron...We need to form Voltron," he began, then shook his head, watching Blue closely. Her silence was deafening. "Please, come on! How are we supposed to defend the universe without you? Without..." Lance's voice broke, "without us?" His head dropped as the tears silently fell from his eyes. He banged against the barrier, his hands balled in fists. 

Blue, if she was listening, didn't respond. 

"I get it. I shut you out first," Lance whispered, his eyes shut, "But is that really it?" He looked up, his heart clamoring in his chest, and then it was falling into his stomach. I thought you'd come back. He thought, I really thought you'd forgive me. 

Lance fell to his knees. His screams of anguish were unheard by the paladins, unheard by Allura and Coran, and unheard by Blue.

By the time the fighting had stopped, Lance was back in the control room, an apology was waiting on the tip of his tongue, but as he watched them all regroup, their exhausted looks, watched as they rolled the pain from their bodies, he just couldn't say it. Sorry. Blue still won't respond to me, he didn't want to remind them of the reason for their anguish. He was just relieved they managed to get away without serious injury. 

"Lance, how are you doing?" Allura asked gently. 

"Never better," He said tightly, his voice sounding as shaky as his body felt, she opened her mouth like she wanted to say something else, but then decided against it, and turned to the others now approaching. 

"Great work out there everyone," Allura said tiredly. "You've all come a long way,"  

"Allura's right, we weren't prepared for a full-on battle, but we held our ground. We should be proud," Shiro said, and Lance felt a wave of shame fall over him. It shouldn't have had to be like this. 

"How did they find us in the first place?" Hunk asked with a sigh as he removed his helmet. 

"Maybe it was a fluke thing?" Pidge suggested. 

"That's unlikely. Their sentries probably gave word we were in this atmosphere after we liberated Gafta," Shiro said.  

"However it happened, we should leave before more come for us," Allura said hastily.  

"Yeah, I second that." Hunk agreed. 

"You holding up okay?" Shiro asked, he came up placing his hand on Lance's back, the touch startling him so much he nearly jumped out of his own skin, Shiro immediately took a step back, an apologetic look on his face. How long had it been since someone touched him? 

"I'm fine," Lance answered, but his heart was still beating hard in his chest.

"You sure, man? You look a little pale." Hunk said. 

"Yeah just.., I'm fine," He said, then sighed, because they were all still looking at him, all expecting him to do something, to say something, "I'm-. I'm sorry I couldn't get Blue out there,"  

"Still? Coran, maybe we should do another scan, make sure we didn't miss anything." Shiro inquired,

"I'm sure everything will be okay, Lance, don't worry about it," Allura said encouragingly, but Lance just felt embarrassed.

He didn't want them all feeling sorry for him. He would have rather they yelled at him, rather they scolded him for exactly how much this was damaging the team.

It would make it easier. If they hated him as much as he hated himself, it would make this all so much easier. 

Lance knew they were waiting for him to say something.

The sound of sporks clinking bowls at breakfast was too noticeable for Lance to find comfort in the company of his friends. He didn’t really think they could say anything that would make him feel better, anyway. But they wouldn’t even look at him. 

He could imagine how disappointed they were. How angry they must have been. Lance. The liability once again. Only now his weakness was dragging the others down. Unable to form Voltron all because he wasn’t strong enough to push through his inner torment. Because he couldn’t get over something his own body didn’t even remember. 

"Where do you think you're going?" In a flash, Lance felt every snap of his knuckles as the sole of Daegn's heel crushed them. The clang of metal dropping pulled him from the memory, his spork now laying next to his foot. The room was silent, and Lance didn’t have to look up to know everyone was watching him. But what was he supposed to say? He couldn’t hang onto the spork because he felt all of his perfectly fine fingers being crushed. He settled for, 

“Slippery little things, ha,” He tried to force a smile on his lips, but the expression felt all wrong. Too twisted, too squinty. And from the frown on Hunk’s face to Pidge’s scoff that could hardly pass off as a laugh, it didn’t land. How did he do it before? How had this once been so easy and now so foreign? 

He wanted out. Out of their sights, out of this ship. Out of the team. The best he could do was drop to the floor as he retrieved the fallen utensil. When he was back in his chair he opened his mouth, knowing he was supposed to say something, but what? 

“Lance, you don’t have to do this,” Allura said, and Lance’s breath hitched in his throat. 

“What?” 

“What happened with the blue lion has upset us all,” she began. Lance clutched his hands into fists at his side, his heart lurching in his chest. Is this really happening? Is this really it? “Coran hasn’t yet come up with a reason why this happened but-,” 

They’re kicking me out. 

“I get it,” Lance cut her off. 

A beat of silence. 

“You do?” She asked, glancing at the others at the table before her gaze landed back on Lance. He nodded and stood abruptly. 

“Yeah, I mean, you need Voltron,” He said, his hand running through his hair, “And I can’t give you that, so, really. No need to explain,” 

“Lance, that’s not exactly-,” Shiro began at the same time that the others began yelling things Lance couldn’t put together. He felt his tears welling up in his eyes. 

“You don’t have to explain, okay? I’m holding you back, I have been for months.. I- I mean, with losing my connection with Blue, to all the stupid injuries, I’m sure Coran has had it piecing me all back together,” He meant to laugh, but the sound has twisted in his throat coming out as a mangled sob and then he couldn’t stop the tears, “I’m sure you all just wish you could have been rid of me after Daegn, so do I, and I-.” Lance threw his hands up, letting them slam to his sides with a sob, “ I’m sorry, ” 

It was Hunk who reacted first, standing so abruptly that his chair tilted back falling to the ground, he ignored it, marching right over to Lance. His face so contorted in horror, the tears visibly falling down his cheek, and before Lance could react, Hunk’s arms were around him, pulling him tightly into his chest. 

“Don’t you ever think we would rather have you dead than have you as you are now,” He said, his tone more serious and low than Lance had ever heard his friend speak, and that’s all it took to come undone... The tears finally fell freely and silently. 

One by one, they all stood. Allura, Shiro, Coran, Keith, and Pidge. Their arms added to the hold Hunk had on him, and Lance felt overwhelmed with it, he felt his legs giving out, but Hunk, as he'd always promised, was there to hold him up. 

"I'm sorry-," Lance sobbed, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-," 

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Lance," Shiro said softly. And then it was Keith telling him how stupid he was if he thought there was a way Lance would untangle himself from this team. And Allura was crying, insisting she would never remove Lance from the team in a million years. Lance wasn't sure how long they stayed there, wrapped together in tears and love before they parted, and Coran looked at Lance, teary-eyed, but smiling. 

"I'll never tire of patching you up, my boy," He wiped a single tear from his eye, "Ever, and don't you forget that," For the first time in the months since he'd returned from the brink of death, Lance smiled. His lips pulled back without him meaning to, and he laughed. He saw the others glance around at each other before they beamed at him, 

"See," Pidge said, nudging him gently, "I told you he was still in there somewhere," Lance chuckled, 

"Who?" 

"You, Lance," 

"Oh," 

Because Lance never figured they might have noticed. He never thought they might have been waiting for the Lance they knew to return to them. And then the tears were forming again, and Lance was sure that after all of this was over, he would never be able to cry again. 

That night as Lance was settling into bed, he felt empty. 

There was nothing weighing him down, the pain in his head had subsided to nothing, and for the first time in a long time, he felt like the walls weren't suffocating him. 

He was just about to turn down the covers when a knock at his door startled him. The woosh of the door opening revealed a crowd waiting outside. Everyone, Hunk, Pidge, Shiro, and Keith were all waiting there, blankets draped over shoulders and pillowed tucked under arms. 

"Sleepover?" Hunk said excitedly, not waiting for Lance's response before he pushed into the tiny room, tossing the pillow at Lance who caught it with a laugh. and then everyone was piling in, pidge tucked herself neatly into the corner while Hunk set up right beside Lance's bed, Keith and Shiro got lost in the middle of it, until there really wasn't any floor space left at all. 

"You guys don't have to-," 

"Gonna stop you right there," Hunk began, "We know, and we want to, Lance," 

"Yeah, like hell we'd want to leave you all alone, you've felt isolated enough," Pidge said gently, "We want to be here for you, literally, and figuratively," Lance bit the inside of his cheeks to stop the tears of happiness from flowing. Who was he kidding, he'd always have more tears left. 

Without a second thought, he launched himself into the pile of paladins, earning a respective groan and laugh from below and he nestled himself between Keith and Shiro. 

"Thank you," Lance said once they were all settled, "for everything, I'm sorry I didn't see it until now," 

"Stop apologizing," Keith said nudging him, "And get your elbow out of my face," 

"Oh, what do you mean, like this?" Lance said leaning over and shoving Keith with his arm. Keith shoved him back, knocking him into Shiro. 

"Okay, enough you too, let's all get some well-deserved rest," 

Without another word, Lance settled in, surrounded by the warmth of his friends, by the safety of their love, and he fell into a dreamless, restful sleep. 

He couldn't be sure of the time when he awoke to the rumbling of a roar beneath him. 

His eyes flashed open, the tiredness was gone immediately from his body with a gasp. He lay still for a moment, listening to the gentle rise and fall of breath from his sleeping friends. It must have been the middle of the night, with both Shiro and Keith, he knew there was little chance of sleeping in. But he heard it. He was sure-. 

Roar. 

Lance bolted up. 

Blue. 

Carefully, Lance untangled himself from the mess of shared blankets and arms around him and stepped around the paladins, he glanced back, making sure they all still slept before opening the door and running. 

He could feel the energy around him as he moved, electric and intense, and was that longing? 

He skidded to a stop in front of the hanger, catching his breath before pressing through the door. Please. He thought. Please, Blue. Before Lance could talk himself out of it, he pushed through. Blue sat as she had before, her barrier still illuminating the room. 

Lance crossed the floor of the room silently, only the sound of his footsteps echoing around him. He came up, his hands in the pockets of his pajamas. 

"Hey," He said, then cleared his throat, trying to force the grogginess from it, he sighed. "I... I thought I heard you call, and well," He looked up, for some response. His heart was beating so hard in his chest, the familiar feeling of dread coaxing its way back in. 

"Lance?" 

Startled, Lance whirled around to find Coran standing there. 

"Coran... What are you doing up?" 

"Ah, I thought I heard something, thought I'd come check it out," Lance's heart leaped, "What are you doing here?" 

"I thought I heard..." He looked back up to Blue, "Maybe I was wrong..." 

Coran came up and placed his hand on Lance's shoulder. "Maybe, but I don't think so," He said, giving Lance a look of encouragement. Lance huffed a laugh and smiled at the older Altean.

"All in due time?" 

"Couldn't have said it better myself," He said, twisting his mustache. Then, a shadow appeared over the man's face, "You know, I could see it," Coran said softly. "I saw that you weren't okay, but I told myself I was being overprotective," 

"Coran..." Lance sighed, but he kept going. 

"You were always smiling, and you never complained, and I forgot that you're just a kid, all of you are,"  Coran said, "I should have been there for you, and I'm sorry,"  

"You couldn't have been there if I didn't want you there," Lance told him softly. "I didn't want anyone there. I wanted to pretend that I was fine,"

"Well, for a while there, it was quite a performance, though for all of our sake, don't go doing it again," He said with a sad smile. Lance returned the smile, and let out a breath. 

"I promise," This time, Lance thought-. Lance knew it wasn't a lie. 

WOOSH. Without a second to process, the particle barrier was disintegrating in front of them, Lance turned, breath caught in his lungs as Blue's eyes sparkled to life with that golden glow, she moved to stand, letting out a roar Lance was sure would wake the castle, but he just stood there, smiling up at his lion in relief, in joy, and in understanding. No more lies. I promise, Blue. 

"Coran," Lance said, not turning away from the lion, afraid that if he did, she would go dark again, "Will you wake the others? I'm in the mood for a bit of an early training session,"

"Of course, my boy," Coran said, "I'll only be a tic," he said before disappearing from the hanger. 

Lance stalked across the floor slowly and Blue bent down, her mouth hatch opening for him. Lance rejoiced in their reunion, entering inside like a little kid on the jungle gym. He missed the way the cold metal exterior never felt cold. How his bayard felt in his hand as it appeared suddenly when he sat down. 

"Well, girl," Lance said sitting down and watching the screens flicker to life, "Whaddaya say we go for a test flight?" 

With a rumble and a triumph yell turned to a laugh, Lance grabbed the controls and brought himself, and blue back to life.