Work Text:
It was the middle of November now, and a quiet day at home for both Sherlock and Molly as well as their daughter. At the moment Lydia was sleeping and her parents were sitting on the sofa watching a movie. Lydia had a habit of waking up at the most inopportune times, so they were enjoying the peace while it lasted. Sherlock had his arm on the back of the sofa and Molly was curled up on the cushions with her feet tucked under her, close to him but not touching. Molly had suggested it, and while he had been surprised he had immediately agreed. After a few more minutes of watching the movie she turned her head and looked at him. “The movie's almost over and she's still asleep,” she said with a grin.
“You're going to jinx it,” he said as he turned to face her, but he had a grin of his own on his face. “But I will admit, when she cries I feel more...” He trailed off.
“Certain she's still alive?” she suggested.
He nodded. “Even though the doctors assure us she's fine and almost completely healthy I still worry, probably more than I would if she'd been carried to term.”
“I worry too,” she said with a reassuring smile. “But it's been a over a month since she came home and she's doing exceptionally well. But I can go get the baby monitor if you want.”
“It's all right. As soon as the movie is over I'll go check on her.”
She stilled, then moved closer and set her head back down, this time placing it near his arm. “I don't know. I was thinking if she stayed asleep we could spend some time alone together, if you want.”
He looked over at her intently. Since her bout of postpartum depression she hadn't wanted to be intimate with him. Last night they had shared the same bed for the first time since Lydia had come home, but they hadn't been close. The fact that she was even suggesting it coupled with the fact that the night before she'd taken care of Lydia all on her own gave him hope that the worst was over. “Are you saying you want to be intimate again?” he asked slowly.
She nodded, getting up again and sitting very close to him. She put her head on his shoulder this time. “I've missed it lately. A lot. But once I kind of got to the point where I wanted to again we both got so busy because you were focusing on taking care of Lydia and I had exams to deal with so I haven't made the suggestion. But since she's asleep and we're alone and neither of us have plans I thought that might be a good idea.”
He relaxed and shifted slightly, pulling his arm off the sofa to put it around her shoulders, and she responded by resting her hand lightly on his thigh. “So you think the worst might be over?” he asked as he pulled her close.
“I hope it is. I mean, you saw me get up and care for her last night. I hadn't done that before. And I don't feel so sad all the time, so lethargic and useless. And I find I really missed you, missed us. It's been different and I haven't liked it at all, but I didn't care much about anything and now I care again.” She lifted her head up. “If you still want to...I mean, if you still think...” She stopped and took a deep breath. “I think I'm ready to live my life again. And I still want to live it with you.”
He didn't respond verbally, instead leaning in and kissing her. She smiled beneath his lips as she kissed him back. It had been a long time since she had done that; every other time she had turned away or not kissed him back. It didn't escalate to a passionate kiss right away. There was a tentativeness to it, as if she wasn't sure she was still allowed to do this, whether he wanted her to. She moved her hands to frame his face after a few minutes and soon they were shifting positions so he could pull her onto his lap. She pulled away from the kiss and laughed, and he grinned back. “I missed that greatly,” he murmured.
“Oh, Sherlock. I do love you,” she said with a wide smile.
“I love you too, Molly,” he said with a nod. He ran a hand up and down her back, keeping her close. “I never would have left you, you know. Everyone told me it was a temporary thing, to give you time. And I can be a patient man.”
“You're a better man than I deserve,” she said softly.
“Don't ever think that,” he said vehemently, shaking his head. “You had no clue you were going to react to the pregnancy that way, and as someone other than me convinced you there was a problem you sought help for it, even if it did take a while for you to get better. If I had abandoned you I never would have forgiven myself.” He was quiet a moment. “Do you remember the vows we spoke when we got married, what you said to me?”
“I remember most of it,” she said with a nod. “What part?”
“That you wanted to love me until the day you died. I had to hope that when you were better you would still feel that way.”
“Well, I do,” she said with a smile. Then she reached over and cupped his cheeks in her hands. “You know, you saved me, Sherlock, just like you'd said I saved you when we got married. You just didn't realize it.”
“How?” he asked quietly.
“One day it all got to be too much,” she said quietly, looking down. “Lydia was crying in her room and I was trying to grade papers and you weren't home and all I wanted was for her to be quiet. Then I had some ugly, nasty thoughts and I started to sob because they were thoughts about hurting my daughter and I would never harm her. So I thought to myself if I was having these thoughts I might act on them one day, and it would be best if I wasn't here. I was debating between packing a bag and leaving or taking a bunch of pills with some of the whiskey in the kitchen.”
He tightened his hold on her. “How did I save you?” he asked her intently.
“You sent me a text message. It was very simple. It said 'Will be home soon. I miss you. I hope we can at least talk tonight. I love you, Molly. Don't forget that.' And I had forgotten that. I had honestly thought you didn't love me anymore. I knew you were there and hovering, but I felt so sad and miserable all the time that I pushed you away when I should have been trying to keep you close. But that text message was a reminder that you did feel that way. I called John and begged him to come over, and he made me swear to go to my psychologist immediately and I did. I broke down in my doctor's office and asked what I could do to fix things. And I was completely honest with him and we really talked about all my thoughts and everything, and then he put me on the medication I've been taking. It took some time to start, but now I feel better. Most of the time I feel like my old self.”
He moved her closer to him. “I didn't know it had gotten that bad,” he said.
“I didn't want to worry you any more than you were already worried. If the medication hadn't worked my doctor suggested I be committed for a time, just until I was better, but we would do everything we could to avoid that. That's why I started to have more appointments with him.” She looked down at him from her slightly elevated position. “I started to realize that if I had left or if I had taken my own life it would have devastated you. Even with everything going on in my head I didn't want to hurt you like that. I didn't want to cause you any more pain than I was already causing you. I didn't want you to hate me.”
“I'm glad it worked out in the end,” he said. “Because you're right. I think if I had lost you I would be no good to anyone, least of all Lydia. She probably would have lost both of us, in the end.”
“You would have done something drastic?” she asked, surprised.
“No, but I would not have been the father she deserved,” he said. “I would have been very depressed and eventually become very bitter and gone back to how I used to be. I don't want to imagine how Lydia would have turned out if I had done that.”
“Then I'm glad I didn't do anything,” she said quietly. She pressed herself as close to him as she could. “I am very sorry things happened the way they did.”
“It's all right,” he said. “As it stands, if the worst is over then you can enjoy life again. And I will admit, I can stop worrying as much. That will be a relief.”
“Would you be all right if I said I never wanted to have another child?” she asked, biting her lower lip slightly when she was done.
“If Lydia is the only child we ever have that's fine. I don't want you to go through a pregnancy and its aftermath again if you think it would be this bad next time, or worse. I would much rather have you be healthy and whole than force you to go through this all over again.”
She smiled. “There is always adoption, if we want another child.”
“I wouldn't be averse to that,” he said, grinning back. “But we can talk about that later. I think there are more important things to discuss now.”
“Such as?” she asked.
“What exactly you missed the most the last few months.”
She laughed. “Is that your way of trying to stoke your ego?”
“No. It's my way of finding out how we should spend the time until she wakes up.” He began running a hand up and down her back again. “You initiated this. I want to do whatever it is you want to do.”
“I missed kissing you,” she said. “I've always enjoyed kissing you. And sleeping close to you. And everything, really.”
“I missed being close to you,” he said, looking at her.
“I won't let it get that bad again,” she said quietly. “I love you, Sherlock.”
“I love you too,” he said before she leaned in and kissed him again. He moved his hands up to tangle his fingers in her hair and then she deepened the kiss, leveraging herself up just a bit more. They kissed until they needed to pull apart and then she rested her forehead against his, catching their breaths. “Do you want to go to bed?” he asked after a moment.
“I would like that very much,” she said, pulling away to nod slightly.
“Then we should go to bed now,” he said. “If we're lucky we'll actually get some time alone.”
“You're going to jinx it,” she said with a chuckle.
“If we don't get to now we can always do this later tonight,” he replied. “I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you.”
“I know,” she said softly. “I'm going to stay here for a long time.”
“Forever?” he asked.
She nodded. “Forever.”
“Good.” She got off his lap and offered him her hand, and when he stood up he pulled her close and kissed her again. Even if Lydia woke up this very minute and they had to wait until later this evening he was just happy he had his wife back. He had come so close to losing her and hadn't even realized it. He would never forget that, never take any moment with her for granted again. He would love and cherish her until one of them died, and he just hoped that was many many years down the line.