Work Text:
‘Weiying!’
‘Get lost.’
Lan Wangji woke up abruptly as he breathed with difficulty. His chest tightened and he held onto his chest as if it could reduce his pain. Cold sweat wet his back and droplets of sweat rolled down his cheek. He wiped away sweat from his face, sighing in process. He scanned around his room but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Moonlight peered into his room through the window. The light was strong and thus, illuminating the entirety of his room. A flank on his wooden floor was unaligned, letting collection of Emperor’s Smile peek through the gap. Emperor’s smile—it was his favorite.
Lan Wangji sighed as his breathing calmed down.
It was not the first time he dreamt of Wei Wuxian—Weiying. It was the same constant repetition of Wei Wuxian returning from Burial Mounds as Yiling Patriarch during the fight with Wen Sect. How could he forget? He had waited for sixteen years for his return through despair and hope. At times, he thought of giving up hope that Weiying had been lost but most of the time, he clung to the hope that he would return to his side. With Yunmeng’s Jiang Cheng, losing trust in Wei Wuxian, he, of all people should be the one to believe in Weiying. Lan Wangji—Lanzhan remembered clearly what he felt and thought upon the sight of Yiling Patriach, Wei Wuxian, who was no longer his Weiying that he knew. That goofy indulgent fellow disciple of Gusu Cloud Recesses came back full of hatred to avenge his family. It was a mix of relief yet disappointment at the sight of Wei Wuxian but more importantly, there was something else that tugged on the heart of Lan Wangji. It was a word Lan Wangji would never say nor spell yet he admitted it deep inside his heart.
Wei Wuxian’s words haunted him for many years even after Wei Wuxian’s death. Lan Wangji would always recall his voice calling him ‘Second master Lan’, ‘Lanzhan’, and ‘Lan Wangji’ but those words, ‘Get lost’, pierced him like rose thorn and kept him hurting like a binding curse.
He recalled the past when Weiying brought him two rabbits and nonchalantly threaten to roast them with an obvious smile that he was just teasing. A small fond smile curved his lips in reminiscence of Weiying’s smile. However, the smile disappeared almost immediately. Every time he recalled some sweet memories, the curse would resurface and remind him of how cruel the world had been to Weiying.
Lan Wangji was painfully aware that Wei Wuxian would never return. Wei Wuxian could return once but never twice.
‘Lanzhan! Look at me!’
‘Get lost.’
It was a cycle of bitter-sweet memories. It was a torture. Everyone in the Lan Sect knew not of his pain for he concealed it perfectly with his stoic expression. Only to one, there was no secret he could keep. Lan Xichen knew his brother pained and hurt daily due to Wei Wuxian but at the same time, he understood it was Wei Wuxian who gave his brother a reason to keep training and living.
Lan Wangji was painfully aware that he was hopeless in regard of Wei Wuxian. He knew he was clinging onto hope in vain. Every day was a battle between hope and despair—had he given up on Wei Wuxian, he would have given up on himself. If he had forsaken his own life, perhaps Wei Wuxian would come to haunt him in the form of Yiling Patriach. If only he bore hatred to Wen Chao for turning Wei Wuxian that way, perhaps, he could summon Weiying’s soul. Yet, he also understood that Weiying would be disappointed if he broke cultivation rules. He would be disappointed in himself too if he went into the same path.
Would Weiying be happy if Lanzhan pursued the same path just to see him again? Would he laugh out loud or would he be gravely disappointed?
Pathetic. He thought.
Lan Wangji got off of his bed and walked his way to the spring. Each path he set his feet on summoned shadows of Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji could almost hear his voice by his ears. He could also visualize clearly how Weiying would jump around like the mischievous monkey he was.
‘Lanzhan, where are you going? Can I come along?’
There was warmth spreading in his chest but at the same time his chest hurt as if there were needles piercing through his flesh and bones. Even after entering the freezing spring, the warmth did not leave him.
“Is it you, Weiying?” He muttered as he held onto his chest but soon realized he was being stupid. He dropped his hand into the water, clenching his hand into fist and unleashed his frustration at the water.
“Weiying…” Lan Wanji muttered. Unwillingly, tears formed and obscured his view. He regretted letting Wei Wuxian go twice. He should have forcefully taken him away that day he returned. He swore in his heart, if Weiying ever returned, he would not let him go.
Please, come back.
Lan Wangji stepped out of the spring and dressed himself as the usual Han Guang Jun everyone respected. Step by step he strode back to his room. He sat on his bed, pondering. Perhaps, he had gone mad. Perhaps, he would earn himself another hundred beating for what he was thinking. Perhaps, Wei Wuxian would laugh at him when his soul came back. It did not matter to him. He needed it. He needed to find a certain creature.
Once the dawn came, Lan Wangji was already venturing down into the mountains. With a hand in his sleeve, he held tightly on the waist bell Wei Wuxian had lost. He wondered if his brother, Lan Xichen and the whole Lan Sect disciples were looking at him since he had departed for quite some time. It would not take long for Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi to notice that he was gone. Even if he was to face punishment when he returned, then so be it. He had to find that creature to let him ease his longing for Weiying.
I need to find Mo.
He passed a small village and went to knock at one of the houses. When a woman opened the door, Lan Wangji bowed slightly before asking if they had had any trouble lately and if they had heard of Mo, a creature in the form of tapir with the power to emit miasma as well as control dreams.
“About Mo, we have heard that the neighboring village had been suffering from miasma. Most people have evacuated a week ago. I’m not sure if the creature is still there, but I hope Mr. Cultivator can find its traces and track it down before it attacks our village.” the woman said as she pleaded.
Thanking the woman shortly, Lan Wangji rushed his way to the neighboring village as he prayed that the Mo had not returned to its nest where heavy miasma would be present. It would be difficult to enter its lair with heavy miasma which could blur his thoughts with illusion. Lan Wangji noticed he was not himself when seemed desperate. He felt even more desperate when Weiying’s waist bell had fallen out of his sleeve and he got worked up to pick it up as if it would be taken away from him. What had Wei Wuxian done to him? He did not know but he was getting impatient and frustrated. It was not like him. He felt as if he was losing himself without Weiying near him.
Halfway, and I will reach it. Lan Wangji kept the waist bell in his chest, making sure it was fixed in its place before dashing forward towards the village.
Sensing miasma spreading around him, Lan Wangji knew his target was still there; perhaps still feasting on villagers. He scanned the village for the most condensed miasma and found a creature in the form of tapir was sucking what seems to be a dream out of a villager who was sprawled unconscious on the ground.
Mo!
Lan Wangji swiftly cast a binding spell on the Mo, freezing it in place. The moment it looked at Lan Wangji, it was surprised. If only it could move its snot, then it could hypnotize the cultivator. However, for a teenage Mo, it was futile against Han Guang Jun.
“If you want to be set free, listen properly.” Lan Wangji said as he looked at the Mo coldly. He got no time to waste. It was already troubling that he disappeared in the morning. “Replay my memory. After that, you have to remove all miasmas and leave this village forever. You have eaten enough dreams.”
The Mo groaned affirmatively and its snot was released from the binding spell. However, its body was still under spell.
Lan Wangji sat down before the Mo, with his guzheng right under his hands. If the Mo decided to mess things up, he could exterminate it immediately.
“I have never failed. Don’t you worry!” Mo said as it aimed its snot at Lan Wangji.
Lan Wangji then shut his eyes and entered dimension of his dream. It was foggy at first but as the fog flew away, it revealed a room. He sat in front of a desk with papers neatly organized before him. They were rules of Gusu Lan Sect.
‘Lan Second Master! Brother Lan! Lan Wangji! Lanzhan! Look at me!’ Wei Wuxian waved his hand in front of Lan Wangji’s face.
It was way too realistic. It was way too nostalgic. It suffocated him to remember everything clearly. “…Not this one.” He mumbled.
The fog returned, clouding everything, including Wei Wuxian’s appearance. Lan Wangji’s chest tightened as he saw Wei Wuxian disappearing within the fog. The smile he gave was too sweet of a memory that it pricked his bosom. The fog stayed for a while before floating away and revealed another scene. Lan Wangji was heavily fatigued and injured in a cave.
‘Lanzhan, hold on!’ Wei Wuxian quickly picked up two wooden boards and set it on each side of Lan Wangji’s leg. He then tied them together with ribbons he had taken from someone else.
Lan Wangji gulped the lump in his throat at the sight of Wei Wuxian. Did he have such expression back then? He should have just worried about himself… Lan Wangji gazed at Wei Wuxian for a moment before asking the Mo to shift to another memory of his. “Chongyang.” He said and Mo’s fog engulfed his surroundings, swallowing Wei Wuxian’s image once again.
It was a sight he had feared when corpses of Wen Sect rose as the sound of flute echoed throughout Chongyang. In a battle against Wen Sect, Lan Wangji was almost at his limits. His fingers were throbbing from pain and his body too could not hold any longer. His eyes turned to look at the figure at the top of the highest building, blowing his flute.
“Weiying!” He called but did not receive any callback. After the rampage of the Wen corpses, Wei Wuxian descended to the ground and walked his way towards Wen Chao fully surrounded by black energy.
‘How dare you use demonic arts!’ Wen Chao exclaimed.
It was not long until Wen Chao was eaten alive by the corpse of his woman under the control of Wei Wuxian’s demonic cultivation.
Seeing the repetition of his nightmare by his will, Lan Wangji took steps forward to stop Wei Wuxian.
“Weiying! Enough!” He shouted but dark flames rose before him, disabling him from moving forward. Again! Lan Wangji attempted to move forward but he was frozen in place. Again, his chest tightened and his breathing became short and suffocating.
“Mr. Cultivator, you can freely dream but you cannot rewrite memories. This is not a dream but your memory. I can only let you remember the exact moment but not changing truth.” Mo spoke and its voice echoed in Lan Wangji’s mind.
“Weiying!” Lan Wangji reached an arm out towards Wei Wuxian, only to be stared coldly back.
“Get lost.” Wei Wuxian growled before turning his back against Lan Wangji. The farther Wei Wuxian walked, the foggier Lan Wangji’s sight became. Once Lan Wangji blinked, he was already back in the village. He kept his calm composure as he controlled his breathing. He thought he would be able to forget those two words if he recalled the precise situation of that day. He thought he would be able to deal with the curse if he faced it. Yet, those two words kept repeating itself in his mind. Had he befriended Wei Wuxian in the beginning, perhaps, he would not feel so guilty for being so rough to him in the past. With the help of Mo, he recalled everything crystal clear that there was no way he could forget. His chest only got tighter than before and he felt as if he was drowning in mud of longing. The thorn around his chest curled stronger that he felt physical pinch in his bosom.
“Are you satisfied?” Mo said, panting. It seemed that reviving memories continuously was taking toll on its body. “Release me… even without the binding spell, I won’t be able to move until the next day and when these villagers wake up, I will be dead before I manage to return to my mother.”
Lan Wangji released the binding spell and carried Mo with him. He walked to nearby bushes and had it hidden.
“Never come back. Otherwise, I will have to exterminate you.” Lan Wangji left. His hand went into his chest pocket and held onto the waist bell tightly. He walked his way back to Cloud Recesses.
“Han Guang Jun! Where have you been the whole day?!” Questions were fired at him the moment he reached Cloud Recesses. However, Lan Wangji had no time to answer them. He went to the hall where punishment was done and had other disciples to give him a hundred beatings.
Hence, Lan Wangji went through his days always remembering Wei Wuxian; wondering if he had done things differently, would Weiying still be with him, teasing him and annoying like he normally would? If he had taken Weiying as his partner earlier, would Weiying remain? No—if he hadn’t left Weiying alone at Burial Mounds, perhaps, he wouldn’t be gone. If he hadn’t come back to Gusu that time, Weiying would be just alright. If only he was not raised a coward, if he fought with all his might…even with little energy left, Weiying would not end up this way. If only he accompanied Weiying until the end, he would not go unconscious and only to wake up to a world without Weiying.
You are so pathetic, Lan Wangji! He bit his lower lip, as he endured the beating from confused disciples of Cloud Recesses.
Sixteen years of hope and despair had left Lan Wangji suffering in memories of his Weiying. More often than not, he cursed in his heart if Weiying would not return, he would throw away his Emperor’s Smile but of course, it was another bitter-sweet reminder.
It was just tasteless cultivating job and repetition of the same dream every day until a certain mission brought a man named Mo Xuanyu to him. That moment, all sixteen years of despair crumbled down and Lan Wangji vowed to take him along back to Gusu. He was certain it was his Weiying. There was no way someone would be as indulgent as him—there was no way someone could fake such a poor pleading after getting hit by Jiang Cheng’s zidian.
The warmth on his chest spread throughout his body and the thorn which had been keeping his heart a prisoner had loosened and withered away.
I missed you, Weiying.