Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was pitiful at best, their mother’s attempt to ‘fix’ them. To shove pills down their throat in the hopes that one day they may smile at a sunset or learn what empathy was. Or even care to pretend they know about empathy and compassion. Samuel enjoyed being distant and cold, though ‘enjoy’ could possibly be too strong a word. They preferred it. To never be held back by human emotions and sentiment they could think more logically, use their peers to their advantage for social standing to avoid ostracization. Their mother is of the belief they're a sociopath, their therapist however believes it is too early to tell. At seventeen Samuel had become rather good at putting up a facade, to be empathetic and oh so sympathetic when needed. They didn’t believe they were a sociopath, they don't like to believe they're human.

It was only a year into therapy did their doctor say anything that intrigued them.

They sat in the same chair as always,critically eyeing the rubix cube in their hands. They could solve it easily but why bother, then they might be forced to make eye contact. They did math in their head, counting by sevens to pass the time. 7, 14, 21- it wasn't until they heard their therapist speak did their train of thought derail.

“Have you ever heard of a Squip?” he asked.

“Quick?” Samuel responded, eyebrow quirked upward, face as cold as ever. The doctor laughed amicably.

“No, Squip. Super Quantum Intel Processor. It’s a computer that you take orally like a pill and it implants in your brain and tells you what to do.”

“No offense,” they replied blandly. “But that sounds like fucking bullshit.” Their therapist smirked.

“Oh that's alright Samuel, you don't have to believe me. I just figured perhaps instead of continuing therapy that's going nowhere you could get a mental coach to teach you to behave like your peers. My mistake.” His tone was light but held a cocky air of sarcasm. The bastard had them right where he wanted them. Samuel left therapy that day with the promise that next week they'd get their Squip.

Walking down the stairs to the front desk they found their mother, loudly talking on her phone and looking effortlessly sleek in her suit. Paying Samuel the minimum attention she signed them out before walking out the door, leaving them to follow. In the car their interactions were just as stilted.

“How was therapy?”

“Good.”

“Are you happy yet?”

“No.”

“No, I suppose not.”

Samuel’s mother wasn't a friendly person, one could suppose that is where many of their personality traits stem from. She's cold and calculating, a business women at home as she is in the office. Samuel is sure their mother tries to love them, but is unsure if she's even capable of doing that. They probably should've died of touch empathy deficiencies as an infant, then at least their mother wouldn't need to pay their expensive therapy bills.

Once they were home Samuel walked swiftly up the stairs to their room, never trudging. Trudging involves shuffling feet and poor posture which makes you look weak. Though, once in their room they collapsed face first on their bed with a loud drawn out groan, heavy boots dangling off the edge like anchors. They reached to their bedside table, turning on their clock radio. It started to blast something hard, fast and loud.

Samuel didn’t care for music unless it was loud, just something to keep their ever buzzing brain quiet and occupied for a few minutes. Their mother believed them to be a bit of a punk, what with their affinity for leather jackets and dark heavy boots. In reality they just wanted to send a message to their peers, don’t fuck with me. It keeps those that would want to be close to them away and those that would want to bully them close, which is how Samuel preferred things.

At school the next day Samuel had one objective: talk to Richard Goranski about his squip.

It wasn’t a secret that Rich had a squip, well, it wasn’t if you frequently listened in on others conversations like Samuel did. It wasn’t rude, if people didn’t want them listening then they should simply speak in a lower tone. Obviously. They quickly spotted the short boy in the hallway, chatting amicably with one Jacob Dillinger and some female students Samuel had never bothered to learn the names of. The only reason Samuel even knew his name was because of his frequent sports achievements on the morning announcements. They approached the group.

“Richard,” they said, voice warm but fake. “May I speak with you?” Rich’s mouth opened and closed several times making him look rather like a fish before he found his voice.

“Sure whatever, I’ll see you guys later,” he called back to his friend group before leaving with the other student. Samuel brought him to the restroom down the hall and leaned against the door, essentially trapping him which was exactly how Rich felt.

“What do you want,” Rich sneered through his voice noticeably losing his usual bravado.

“Tell me about your squip,” Samuel replied airly, they smirked when they saw the shocked look on Richard’s face.

“H-how do you know about that,” he asked, voice getting defensive. Samuel let out a short bark of laughter.

“Oh Richard, I know everything. Now spill, I won’t tell any authorities, I just want to know what it’s like.” Rich blanched.

“It’s- it’s like a tictac, you swallow it with mountain dew and it turns into this voice in your head that tells you how to be cool. It uhh, it fixed my lisp and made me popular. Wh-why do you want to know?” Samuel rested a finger on their lower lip looking contemplative.

“It was recommended to me. Thank you Richard, your information has been valuable, you may leave,” they said, moving aside so that Rich may leave. He did so in a hurry.

---

The long awaited week for their squip to come in from Japan was finally over. However, staring down at the grey pill resting in their hand Samuel felt something. Nothing so strong as fear but perhaps apprehension. This was untested nanotechnology and as broken as most people considered Samuel’s brain, they were rather attached to the way it functioned.

They cast a wary glance over to the Mountain Dew on their left that they had just purchased. They normally consist very regularly on Mountain Dew and other sugary drinks but they just couldn't force their lips around the straw.

Samuel looked out into the food court of the local mall. They figured if they died from untested technology at least this way someone would know. Their mother was never home enough to notice if they skipped school or snuck out. It was all fine and well on a normal day but Samuel would really rather not end up rotting on their discolored bedroom carpet.

Looking over at the drink they decided they could either proceed now or later so why not get this out of the way and swallowed the pill, washing it down with Mountain Dew.

Ew. The sugar of the drink with the minty flavor of the pill was repulsive. They screwed their eyes shut and tried to wash the taste down with more drink. It was enough to give them a headache. A throbbing, blinding headache. They gripped the edges of the table tightly until the pain started to fade away. That's a relief.

‘Discomfort level may increase,’ said a voice in their head. Samuel almost yelped out in pain. They slammed their throbbing forehead against the table, fingers winding through their curly black hair and pulling it. Hard. Anything to distract from the searing pain in their skull.

'Accessing neural memory. Accessing muscle memory. Access procedure complete. Samuel Quinton Ishii-Parker welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor. Your S. Q. U. I. P. Hey! We have the same initials!’

In front of them was a tall somewhat lanky teenage boy wearing a striped shirt and blue cardigan. His face held a kind smile, though nervous and Samuel could even see through the purple glitching that the squip had some acne.

“You, you look just like a teenage boy,” Samuel deadpanned.

‘Ah. Jeremy: my default mode. You can also set me for Benedict Cumberbatch. Johnny Depp. Or sexy anime yandere girl with a knife. Ahuhuhu hu!’ She leaned close to Samuel, bosom pressing close to their chest, they could feel the knife through their jeans.

“No. Jeremy will work just fine.” And in a flash of purple the girl was gone and Jeremy was back in her place. Samuel looked around.

“Can anyone else see you?” they asked.

‘No,’ replied Jeremy. ‘I exist only in your head, all anyone else can see is you talking to thin air. So try not to do that. Just think at me, like in X-Men!’

‘Like this?’

‘Perfect! So. What is your objective?’ he asked. Samuel mulled it over.

‘To behave more like my peers and to fit in, so to speak.’ Jeremy’s face brightened.

‘You want to be more chill!’

‘I do not. I just want to make a friend. Get my mother and doctor off my back and fit in enough until I graduate,’ Samuel replied. Jeremy fixed Samuel with a critical look, flickering and glitching around them. Samuel suddenly felt very self conscience. They were wearing their usual leather jacket and black jeans and boots ensemble with an old robotics club tshirt on, but the way the computer analyzed them made them feel very small.

‘That's how people feel when you stare them down,’ the squip murmured. ‘Hmm, it would appear that we may need to do a complete personality overhaul’

‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’ The computer looked visibly uncomfortable.

‘Listen, it's nothing against you it's just getting you friends may be harder than you think. You're a very… spirited human.’ Samuel rolled their eyes. Of course this piece of junk couldn't help them, nothing could.

‘Now that's not true!’ Jeremy interrupted. ‘We just need to find you a good starter friend. You go home and meanwhile I'll analyze the personalities of your classmates and how compatible they are with you, okay?’

Samuel rolled their eyes again but nodded in agreement. Jeremy smiled, then snapped his fingers producing a small shock that zapped up their spine.

“Ouch, what the hell was that for?” they yelled out to nothing.

‘I am not a piece of junk, I'm highly advanced Japanese nanotechnology. Now go home, you're starting to speak out loud to yourself.’ And Samuel could only oblige.

Getting into their house at a late hour was no big deal, their mother was usually either in her office at home or at work and too consumed with her paperwork or phone to pay Samuel any attention, which was fine by them. They liked being alone, they just wished they didn’t feel so lonely while doing it.

Their room was small and dark, only illuminated by the harsh blue lights of tech decorating every corner. On their desk sat a large franken-PC, built from computers they got for cheap at Geek Squad. Motherboards littered the rest of their desk, always working on a new project. Operation: Be More Chill will probably take the longest, they understand and relate more with computers than their fellow humans. Maybe they never were human. Samuel laid down on their bed and stared at their ceiling, it still had glow in the dark star stickers on it from when they were a kid, it made their stomach churn uncomfortably.

‘I’m detecting that you’re hungry, I recommend you either cook something or order takeout,’ Jeremy said, taking form at the foot of their bed. Samuel grumbled and rolled on their side so they didn’t have to look at him.

“You’re a computer, can’t you just do it for me?” they asked. Jeremy seemingly puffed up at the comment.

‘I cannot, I am hooked up to your wifi and not your landline and furthermore you shouldn't talk to me outloud, what would your mother think if she saw you talking to thin air?’

“I don’t care, she’ll just throw more pills at her crazy child and forget about me like she always does!” they yelled and for the first time Jeremy saw a hint of real emotion in their eyes. His face softened visibly and he glitched over, now sitting on their bed, their head on his lap.

‘Samuel you are not crazy, I’ve been inside your brain and I know this. We’ll make you a friend and I promise you someday you’ll be happy, maybe not today but someday you’ll smile for no reason.’ he ran a hand through Samuel’s hair and grinned when he felt them relax. ‘Now get some rest sport, we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.’

It wasn’t the blaring of their alarm clock that woke them up but someone gently shaking their shoulder whispering ‘c’mon kiddo, wake up and start your day’. Jeremy. Samuel’s eyes opened and fixed a glare on the purple computer in front of them.

“I still have a half hour of more sleep on my clock,” they growled, voice rough with sleep. Jeremy laughed gently, shoulders bouncing realistically.

‘Not if you want to start your day off right you don’t, I have an outfit picked out to make you seem more approachable and we need to get a balanced breakfast into you, no more protein shakes in lieu of meals,’ he replied pacing around the room. ‘Now, how about that outfit?’

Samuel flipped their sheets off of them and rolled out of bed. “I suppose,” they said, walking over to their closet.

‘In the back of your closet there is a shirt that says ‘code blooded’, wear that one. It shows to your peers you have a sense of humor and that you’re interested in tech, wear that with this black zip up jacket, it will soften your features more.’

“I’ll look like a geek,” Samuel replied bitterly. Jeremy smiled.

‘Of course, you are a geek. You’re just too edgy to embrace it,’ Jeremy smiled. ‘And don't argue with me, it's a moot point.’ Samuel bared his teeth in a scowl before putting on their assigned outfit. They looked themself up and down in the mirror, the squip was right, they did look kinder, softer. They glared at their reflection. The kind and bookish version of themself staring back at them felt like a lie.

‘Don't think of it as a lie Samuel, think of it as an alternate version of you. A version you could become possibly.’ They rolled their eyes. ‘Now come on, let's get you breakfast. Friendship awaits you!’

“Yay,” they replied dryly.

Chapter Text

Stepping out of their 2000 Corolla in the school parking lot Samuel felt like a stranger in their own skin. Their footsteps were lighter thanks to a pair of black converse sneakers and the cold creeped into their skin more easily through cotton than leather jackets.

‘I can increase your body temperature,’ Jeremy chirped helpfully.

‘No,’ they thought back. ‘I don't mind the cold.’ Jeremy scoffed.

‘So edgy.’

Samuel walked into the building with Jeremy floating behind them.

‘So,’ they thought. ‘Did you find anyone ‘compatible’ with my personality yet?’

‘Well Samuel that's where I have good news and bad news. The good news is-’

“Hey!” Samuel felt someone colliding with their shoulder.

“Oh jeeze sorry man,” the villain apologized. Samuel looked them up and down. He was shorter than them, tanner. Wearing a red hoodie and had some sort of music blaring from his headphones. The stoner kid, Samuel thought with disdain, they saw him before smoking behind the bushes before school.

“I'm Michael by the way, I like your shirt dude,” he said holding out his hand. Samuel took it.

“Samuel,” they replied.

‘Try starting a conversation,’ Jeremy whispered unnecessarily into his ear. Samuel searched their brain and searched Michael’s many patches for a common interest.

“Did you know that PAC-man designer Toru Iwatani had no formal training as a designer or programmer,” they said emotionlessly, eyeing the boy’s PAC-man tattoo peeking out from his hoodie sleeves.

“Oh I didn't, that's pretty sick. Do you play?” he asked excitedly. Samuel made a so-so motion with their hand. They never played video games before but knew how to make them. How hard could it be?

“Oh man, I'm a wiz at PAC-man, you should drop by the mall this Friday and we can play a few rounds in the arcade.” Just as Samuel opened their mouth to decline, Jeremy stepped in.

‘Samuel you have to say yes, this guy holding you the olive branch is a big deal. An easy ticket to the friend zone!’

‘I don't think you know what that word means…’

‘Just accept!’

“Sure that sounds fun,” Samuel said with all the enthusiasm they could rally. “How about after school, I could drive you,” they offered at Jeremy’s insistence.

“Nah man, I've got my own wheels, but thanks. I gotta head to class but I'll see you around Sam,” he said cheerfully, waving Samuel off. Samuel fought off the urge to growl at the nickname.

“Yes, I'll see you later,” they called after him in a decidedly non-threatening way they hoped. Jeremy beside them flickered with excitement.

‘This is unprecedented!’ he exclaimed. ‘I hadn't even counted on Michael being your friend, much less making the first move.’ Wait wait wait.

‘Who did you actually calculate,’ they asked.

‘Her,’ Jeremy replied, gesturing at the chubby girl walking determinedly towards them. She held a look on her face that didn't exactly strike fear in Samuel but something pretty close to that.

“Saw you talking with Mell today,” she said casually but spitefully. She could chip boulders with how hard she pronounced her ‘T’s.

‘Who is this?’ Samuel asked their squip, unperturbed.

‘That's Jenna Rolan, she knows most of gossip that flows around the student body and has tabs on everyone in her grade’

‘What does she know about me?’

‘Not a lot, you don't put yourself out there much. Most rumors about you are that you're either a drug dealer or future school shooter. Or both. Now respond to her, you've been scowling at the floor’ Samuel shook themself out of their mental reverey and looked at her. Their eye contact was piercing.

“Yeah, I was,” they said as casually as possible, generally not wanting to give faith to any of her rumors.

“Do not mess around with him, ok? He wears his heart on his sleeve and let's just say people don't trust you to be careful with other people’s emotions,” she hissed tersely. She turned around to leave.

‘Say something to make her feel bad for you! Bring up the rumors,’ Jeremy shouted, holographic arms waving frantically through Samuel.

“I'm not a drug dealer,” they called out, training their voice to sound pathetic. Jenna turned around to face them. “Or a school shooter.”

‘Say that the rumors hurt your feelings!’

‘They didn't and they don't.’

‘I know that,’ Jeremy hissed. ‘Lie.’

“Uh, those rumors you spread, they hurt. I have feelings too,” Samuel said, awkwardly shifting their weight back and forth.

‘Good lie!’ Jeremy cheered.

‘Hush.’

Jenna at least had the decency to look sheepish.

“I- I'm sorry,” she started. “You don't give good first impressions you know.”

“I know, but I'm trying to be better,” they said with a half smile. Jenna returned the smile.

“Maybe we could sit together at lunch, and we could both try to be better,” she said, her voice gentle. Everything about her seemed to have softened from when Samuel first saw her.

‘Accept! This is great news!’ Jeremy said, practically dancing beside his human.

‘I'd like that,’ Samuel said kindly. Jenna smiled and waved them off, heading to her first class.

‘We came in looking for one easy friend and got two!’ Jeremy whooped. ‘We’re the best team ever!’

‘I don't think I can last,’ Samuel thought breathlessly. ‘I'm exhausted after talking to only two people.’

‘I'll try to release some serotonin into your bloodstream to help you along. In the meanwhile keep up the good work and you'll have friends in no time.’ Samuel grinned tiredly.

‘Whaddya know,’ they thought humorlessly. ‘It's like I'm almost human.’

Samuel’s classes before lunch period went by without any fanfare, they were a straight A- student after all. They could have easily been straight A pluses if they actually gave a shit about half the things they were being taught. In truth the only reason their grades were as good as they are was simply to keep their mother off their back. God forbid she have a stupid and emotionally defunct child, her dead heart couldn’t stand it. It was the lunch period that Samuel truly dreaded, while their squip had helped them regain the energy they lost while socializing they just weren’t used to sitting next to people at lunch. Or talking to people. Or people. They usually spent lunches in the computer lab, working on bits of junk and occasionally refueling with a protein shake. Not sitting next to girls and eating actual solid food.

Jeremy had insisted on them packing a real lunch.

‘Something light and trendy,’ he had said. ‘Maybe a Buddha bowl, a good mixture of vegetables, proteins and healthy carbs.’

So Samuel stood on the outskirts of the cafeteria, holding their tupperware full of hipster salad and scanning the room. They couldn’t see Jenna anywhere, where was she?

“Boo!” A choked sound escaped from Samuel’s throat sounding somewhere between a sneeze and a yelp. They nearly jumped out of their skin. Samuel heard laughter coming from beside them. It was Jenna.

“I’m sorry,” she said in between laughter. “But your face! I’ve never seen you look so startled!” Samuel shot her a glare.

“Is this normally how two peers interact,” they asked bitterly. Jenna was calming down, laughter decreasing.

“Sure,” she chirped. “Probably. C’mon, let’s go sit down,” she said, ushering Samuel to an empty table. They both sat down and equally awkwardly picked at their food in silence. This was not going well.

‘Complement her on something,’ Jeremy said.

‘On what?’

‘Anything.’

“I like your nail polish,” Samuel said, eyeing Jenna’s black nails. It was true, they did like her nail polish. They tried painting their nails once but found it more difficult than they had previously imagined. They ended up with their cuticles flooded in the thick lacquer and paint dripping over the edge of their short nails.

“Oh thank you,” she preened, flexing her hands. “Yeah, it’s just something I do for fun and I got pretty good at it. I could do your nails if you want.”

‘Do I want that?’

‘I think you can guess,’ Jeremy said smugly.

“Sure, that would be nice,” Samuel said. “But uh, my nails aren’t as nice as yours.” Jenna’s eyes lit up at the prospect of a project.

“Can I see,” she asked. Samuel obliged and gave her their hand. Their nails were short and ragged with gnarly bitten down cuticles. Their hands were cold and had electricity scars weaving across them from being too clumsy with computers. Jenna smiled and patted the back of their hand. Her hands were warm and soft and Samuel almost missed the feeling of them when she pulled away.

“I’ve seen worse,” she said brightly. “If you want you can come over to my place after school, my parents don’t care.” Before Samuel knew what they were doing they nodded their head.

“Sure,” they said. Jenna beamed. It wasn’t fair that she had nice skin, nails and white teeth. Samuel suddenly felt self-conscious of their own energy drink stained teeth and acne scars.

“Great!” she said. “You can drive me home.” She smiled and nudged Samuel in their side and Samuel couldn’t help but smile back. This girl’s enthusiasm was contagious. Perhaps they could do this after all.

Samuel felt a sense of dread following Jenna’s directions to her house. Maybe they couldn't do this.

‘You can do this Samuel, have a little faith. If not in yourself then in me, that I’ll get you through this,’ Jeremy said from the back of Samuel’s head. Samuel sighed internally and tightened their grip on the wheel.

‘Okay.’

As it turned out, Jenna lived in a very pretty house, filled with expensive looking vases and many family photos on the walls reaching generations back. Jenna grabbed them by the hand and let them up a staircase. Samuel was well off with their mother but they felt very dirty pressed against the pearly whites of the walls and carpeting. It was nothing like the navy blues and beige of home. Jenna led them to a door that had many signs tacked on it, most noticeably a ‘Keep Out’ sign in bright pink.

The inside of the room, well Samuel wasn’t sure what they expected, they’ve never been in a girl’s room before. The walls were bright pink with many posters covering them, mostly for what looked like different types of goth bands. She had a canopy bed that had many soft things on it, pillows and the likes. It was very clean and she had a vanity filled with makeup and other... girly things that Samuel couldn’t quite place besides nail polish and things they’ve seen their mother use. Lipstick, hair straighteners ect..

“What do you think,” Jenna asked, her voice almost far away. She seemed a little apprehensive.

“It’s very nice,” Samuel said. “It’s very different from my room.” She laughed and lightly hit their shoulder.

“I should hope it is, we’re very different people,” she said. “Sit down, make yourself comfortable, I’m just gonna grab my nail bag so we can get started.” Samuel scanned the room, unsure if they should sit on the bed, the beanbag chair or the loveseat. They eventually settled on the bed, figuring they would sit side by side. They sat down and nearly melted into the mattress. It was so soft. Jenna must have noticed the instant ease in their posture because she giggled and asked “Comfy?”

“Yes, very,” Samuel muttered, hoping their face wouldn’t convey the heat they were feeling under their skin. She smiled and sat down next to them.

“Give me your hand and we can get started on those cuticles.”

Samuel found that they rather enjoyed having their nails done, the feeling of someone touching their skin wasn’t as revolting as they thought it would be and the methodical clipping and filing and rotating of their hands and nails was soothing. It made the constant buzzing and activity of their brain quiet down and they could even feel Jeremy relaxing, way back in their brain. They could feel themself drifting off before Jenna’s voice brought them back into reality.

“So, what’s your bag, Sam?” she asked conversationally.

“My-my bag?” Samuel asked, genuinely confused.

“Sam, we’ve gone to the same school together since the third grade and I’ve never seen you talk to anyone besides teachers or detention referees, so what changed?” Shit.

‘What do I say,” they pleaded to a sleepy looking Jeremy.

‘Tell her the truth,’ he replied.

‘Are you nuts?’

‘Just trust me on this,’ he replied before glitching out into thin air.

“I uh, I took a supercomputer in a pill form to teach me how to make friends because my therapist told me to,” they said dumbly, looking warily at Jenna incase she threw them out for being insane. Instead she started to laugh.

“I get it, therapists really do be like that sometimes,” she said lightly. Samuel couldn’t help themself, something strange was happening. A bubble of laughter burst from their throat. True genuine laughter which made Jenna whoop with joy. Samuel couldn’t remember the last they they ever laughed so hard, so hard that they let out an undignified snort.

“You know what Sam,” Jenna said, wiping tears of mirth away from her eyes. “I like you, you’re a good guy.”

“Wait until you get to know me,” Samuel replied playfully. Jenna laughed and slapped her leg.

“Oh you’re funny, we’ve got a comedian on our hands,” she laughed. “But seriously, I’m glad I finally got to meet you, us loner kids, we’ve got to stick together.”

“Yeah,” they replied. “Thanks for giving me a chance.”

The rest of the week went by easily, Samuel found themself actually enjoying spending their lunches chatting with Jenna, hearing the latest gossip of who slept with who and who was being such a little skank lately. They couldn’t honestly care less but it was fun to have an opportunity to be mean and have it seem acceptable. It wasn’t until lunch of Friday did they remember they had plans. Michael Mell walked over to their usual table. He had in his hands a container of takeout sushi and a slushie.

“Hey Sam, we still on for some PAC at the mall this afternoon,” he asked casually. Jenna snorted.

“PAC? Are you two doing drugs without me?” she asked. Samuel rolled their eyes and shoved her lightly.

“Jenna don’t be so puerile, we’re playing video games. And yes Michael, we are still on for this afternoon,” they said, shooting Michael a dazzling smile. At least they thought it was, Jenna and Jeremy both approved of that look. It must have worked because they saw some heat rise to Michael’s face.

“Cool man, see you there,” he said, before walking off to sit with the stoner kids Dustin Kropp and Connor Murphy. Jenna had filled them in on who was who in the student body and they felt like a scientist, finally putting names to faces.

“So, a date with Mell,” she asked, snickering.

“Obviously not,” they replied, stabbing their salad.

“It will be, one day. Trust me I’m like 50% psychic,” she said flippantly. Samuel rolled their eyes. 50% psychic their ass.

For what felt like forever, Samuel was alone in their car, or well, as alone as they could be with a supercomputer coaching them in the passenger seat.

‘-And of course if you get stuck I can always give you cheat codes,’ Jeremy said, rambling on about the mechanics of video games.

“Thanks for the offer but likely I’ll need more help talking to Mell, not playing a silly arcade game,” they said. Jeremy almost looked shocked.

‘You’ll be fine kiddo!’ he chirped. ‘All your practice with Jenna has really done wonders on you.’

“Practice,” they asked, pulling into the mall parking lot.

‘Of course, you think that just because you weren’t socializing with our target human doesn’t mean that our other work is for nothing.’ Samuel got out of their car and locked it.

‘Maybe so.’

Finding the arcade wasn’t too hard, it was right by the theater and while Samuel didn’t watch movies often if there was a documentary showing they would usually go. And sure enough there was a red hoodie adorned with patches and topped with headphone and shaggy black hair. They walked up beside him him and were greeted with a large grin.

“Hey man, you showed up!” he said excitedly.

“Of course I did,” replied Samuel. “Why wouldn't I have?” Michael muttered something about ‘you know how people are’.

“Well anyway, I’m glad you’re here,” he said. “Now, do you wanna go first or should the professional show you how it’s done.” He had a cocky grin on and his brown eyes practically sparkled. Samuel let out a polite chuckle.

“I was unaware I was in the presence of a professional,” they said. “Where are they so I can show them up?” Michael laughed and it was like bells ringing.

“Ok wise guy, I’m gonna crush you,” he said confidently. He played for a while, grunting and getting very into the game and while Samuel was ashamed to admit it, they were entranced, Michael ended with a high score 10,643. Samuel let out a low whistle.

“Wow,” they said. Michael shot them an adorably cocky grin.

“Scared yet,” he said, voice high and teasing.

“I must admit, most of my bravado has completely left,” they said chuckling. Michael stepped aside and let them step up to the machine.

“It’s okay dude, I’ll help you along,” he said from behind, and then guided Samuel’s hands into place. Samuel was grateful that their back was turned, as they were sure they’re face was bright red. “I’ll help you through the first level, like a mama bird. Or Yoda. Are you ready?”

“Sure,” they squeaked.

“Alright, press start!”

Between Michael and Jeremy guiding their hands Samuel’s brain was thinking about just about anything beside the game. In fact, their brain was mostly thinking ‘warm. Warm body behind us warm arms warm hands I must release all the dopamine right now so warm!’. Needless to say it was distracting. When Samuel’s eyes finally came back online they were finished with level one and on their own now.

“You got this!” Michael cheered, giving them the thumbs up. Samuel looked over and smiled and immediately got eaten by a ghost. Nice going Jeremy.

‘Me?’ Jeremy shouted. ‘I’ve been over here trying to keep your hormones in check, you should’ve been focusing.’ He was right, they should have been focusing and now Michael was laughing at them. This felt… not good. That was until the shorter boy pulled them into a half hug and they felt their body tense up.

“That’s alright man, video games aren’t for everyone,” he said jovially. He wasn’t laughing at them, he was laughing with them, what a concept. Samuel felt themself relax against Michael’s side.

“Well, I may not be able to play video games,” they started conspiratorially. “But I can read C++.” It was a cheap tactic to brag, but it was worth it to see the sparkle in Michael’s eyes.

“Dude that’s so sick!” he exclaimed. “We should get lunch and you can tell me about your cool techy stuff.” Samuel smiled and walked with them, still in the half hug but too awkward to put their arm around the shorter male.

“I’d like that,” Samuel said unprompted, because they really would. They decided on the small chain pizza place the mall housed. Over slices of cheese pizza the two nerds geeked out over nerdy things. Samuel had already gotten a dissertation on the scam that was the Death of Superman exclusive comic covers, which they didn’t care about but Michael was obviously very into it. They were explaining their “techy” stuff to him.

“So although it was lacking in C, object-oriented programming was introduced in C++. Among other things, C++ supports the four primary features of OOP: abstraction, inheritance, polymorphism and encapsulation,” Samuel explained excitedly, talking with their hands.

“I have no idea what that means but it sounds cool when you say it,” Michael said, resting his head in his arms. Samuel laughed daintily.

“Well simply put it means-” they were cut off by the sound of Mario going “wahoo!”. Michael scrambled for his phone in his pockets.

“Aw man, sorry dude. My moms want me home. Maybe we could finish this later. We can hang at my place and I’ll teach you how to play Apocalypse of the Damned. Easy mode, I promise,” he said, getting up out of his chair.

“Sure,” Samuel said. “Text me your address” They handed over their phone and let Michael put in his details.

“Cool,” Michael said. “See ya tomorrow.”

“See you,” Samuel called after him. They felt their heart do a flip thinking about seeing him tomorrow. Jeremy appeared in Michael’s chair with a smug grin on his face.

‘What?’ they asked snippily.

‘You have a crush on Michael Mell,’ Jeremy replied. Oh.

Oh fuck.

Chapter Text

“This is all your fault!” they yelled at their Squip in the privacy of their bedroom. The drive home was fast and tense, pale manicured hands gripping the wheel like vices. Skinny jeaned legs stomped them to their room.

‘My fault?? What are you talking about,’ Jeremy asked incredulously.

“I have a-” their face screwed up in disgust at the mere thought. “Crush on Michael Mell and this would have never happened if it wasn't for you!” they yelled.

‘And what if he liked you back?’ Jeremy asked, armed crossed and foot tapping.

“Are you malfunctioning??” they cried. “You've met me, you know that's impossible! You have to fix this, you have to do something!”

‘No. I'm putting my foot down Samuel. I want you to bring this up with Jenna. She's on your side and will give you the human support you so desperately need right now.’ Samuel huffed and growled and paced angrily.

“I don't need humans,” they yelled. “I don't need anyone!”

‘Samuel I will not hesitate to shock you if you continue this temper tantrum. Call Jenna.’

Samuel grasped their hands in the air in a threatening choking manner before their arms dropped uselessly to their sides.

“Fine. I'll call her.”

‘Invite her over.’

“Fine!”

They quickly punched the digits of Jenna’s number into their phone and waited for the dial tone.

“Hello,” she answered.

“Jenna can you come over,” Samuel asked awkwardly, getting the thumbs up from their squip.

“Oh shit Sam what’s up,” she asked, voice suddenly laced with worry.

“I-” they looked over at Jeremy for help.

‘Tell her it’s something you need to talk about in person, nothing bad,’ he replied.

“I would need to tell you in person,” they said. “Nothing bad, I assure you.”

“I'll be there in five,” she said before hanging up.

Sure enough in around five minutes Samuel saw Jenna’s silver car pull into their driveway. She must have sped in order to get here on time. Good. They were having emotions, that’s enough excuse to break any laws in place. They opened their door for her, leading her to the small black couch in the living room. They could talk down there, their mother was probably at some godforsaken meeting that will last her well into the night.

“What happened,” she asked, her voice stern but comforting. “Did something happen when you were out with Michael?”

‘Yes, tell her what happened,’ Jeremy’s voice called out to them.

“Yes. He touched my hands and listened to me talk about coding languages and invited me to his house and he makes my brain feel weird,” Samuel blurted out, the dam holding their words back clearly broken. Jenna made an understanding face.

“Weird… good?” she asked. Samuel weakly nodded their head. Really good, like they were an actual person and not an automatron. Like they didn’t need a pill to coach them on how to talk to people. Jenna nodded her head.

“My advice? Be yourself. I’ve-I’ve been in your place before, you can’t build a friendship or especially a relationship on what traits you think that person will like,” she said bitterly. A mean part of Samuel’s brain said ‘oh if only you knew’.

“Thanks Jenna,” they muttered, not feeling much better. She pulled them into a half hug.

“You’re going to do just fine,” she said confidently, and in their head, Jeremy repeated the mantra.

After Jenna had left it was just them, standing in their kitchen feeling very confused. They didn’t want to cook, they didn’t want to eat or take their evening meds. Old habits settled into their skin like a warm blanket. It wasn’t until they felt a sharp jolt were they knocked out of their depressive state.

‘No,’ Jeremy said calmly, taking form beside them. ‘If you won't take care of yourself I'll do it.’ Samuel rolled their eyes.

“I'm having easy mac and soda for dinner,” they said out loud to their squip, who only sighed in resignation.

‘Just make sure you take your meds, or you'll regret it tomorrow,’ he said and Samuel couldn't help but agree.

When Samuel woke up the next morning they felt gross and groggy.

‘That's what you get for disrupting your healthy diet with junk food,’ Jeremy piped up. Junk food? They didn't remember eating that much- aw shit. They looked at their floor to find a completely empty box of cupcakes.

‘Did you know that you eat your feelings?’ Jeremy asked. Samuel grunted in response.

“I didn't know I had feelings.” Now what should they wear today.

‘I was thinking you could pick your outfit today,’ Jeremy said cheerfully.

“What? Are you sure?” Jeremy nodded his head.

‘Trust me on this one, pick what you like.’ Samuel felt hesitant but went with their old standby. Dark tshirt, leather jacket, black skinny jeans and tall lace up docs. They saw themself in the mirror and despite looking like how they had for the past 17 years they looked… different. Their eyes seemed brighter, their skin looked less sickly.

‘That's what I'm talking about,’ Jeremy said. ‘Some self love! Now let's have breakfast.’

While they were fishing their overnight oats out of the fridge they saw their mother out of the corner of their eye.

“You're dressed early,” she said passively over her newspaper. She was in full business mode, red horn rimmed glasses perched on her nose.

“I'm going to a friend's house,” Samuel replied coldly. She scoffed.

“You don't have friends, dear.”

“Didn't. I do now,” they said, getting agitated.

“It won't last long, they never did,” she said humorlessly. Samuel turned to face her, almost out the front door with their keys and breakfast.

“Well maybe I’ll surprise you,” they bit out before slamming the door and storming to their car. They rested their forehead against the steering wheel and sighed, the mega bitch was back and killing their vibe. Things were easier when they just fiddled around with motherboards all day and listened to loud music.

‘Yes but were you happy?’ Jeremy asked. What? What kind of a question is that?

‘A valid one, were you happy?’ Samuel thought about it. And thought about how they felt getting their nails painted by Jenna, and thought about playing video games with Michael, and thought about the butterflies that have taken residence in their stomach.

“No,” they said out loud, voice holding an air of determination. “But I am now.”

Their phone buzzed ominously in their pocket. They looked and it was a text from Michael reading ‘you can come over any time now :0’, it buzzed again, ‘*:)’. Samuel smiled at their phone and shot back a quick text reading ‘Alright, I’m leaving now.’.

When they had gotten to Michael’s door they were greeted almost immediately with a hug from the teen himself. It made them hopeful for how the day would go, Jeremy insisted they turn him off for this interaction saying that ‘it was about time his baby bird learned to fly’, and while Samuel disagreed with the phrasing, the sentiment was valid. Michael led them down to his basement, saying that was where most of his “gaming shit” was anyway. And that it was super comfy down there. Samuel had to agree, the atmosphere was very…cozy.

Playing video games in Michael's basement was far different than at the mall. For one it reeked of pot and cherry slushies (which they declined, being terribly allergic to red food coloring) and it also felt more real. Samuel had never been at a 'friends' house. The furniture was tacky but comforting and the carpeting on the floor was warm and stained. The house felt lived in. It felt like Michael. Like how his eyes light up when he's talking about video games or comic books or some other inanity that Samuel couldn't care less about but listened to any way. It was sushi and slushies for lunch instead of a protein shake.

“You can sit down anywhere,” Michael said casually, giving a short tour of the room. Samuel looked and saw two bean bag chairs in front of a couch and assumed that was where they would play video games. Sitting with any grace on a beanbag chair was a skill Samuel did not possess because they immediately sank and folded over themself. Michael guffawed at their efforts.

“Let me help you up,” he said, reaching over and lending Samuel a hand. The teen managed to straighten themself out on the bean bag chair with some help. Michael sat down next to them in the other bean bag. He made it look so effortless, even if his posture left something to be desired. There was a pause in dialogue, Michael had the unfortunate habit of leaving Samuel absolutely speechless, their mother would love him.

“You wanna get high?” he asked awkwardly, settling down. Samuel shook their head.

“No, perhaps later. I'd like a clear mind before I learn to play your game,” they said carefully. The most drugs they've ever taken were the anti-psychotics their doctor prescribed but live and let live.

“Sounds good man,” Michael said cheerfully, he reached over to the small television and turned it on, displaying the Apocalypse of the Damned homescreen. It was a 16bit video game, Samuel noted, with zombies making beeping noises at the player avatar who was shooting it with a squirt gun.

“Ok so the goal of the game is to kill all the zombies and collect survival gear,” Michael said.

“Obviously,” Samuel snarked before realizing how bitchy they sounded. Their self esteem was saved when Michael laughed.

“Ok smart guy, let’s see how well you do first round,” he said, pressing the start button.

“Wait-” Samuel called uselessly, but it was too late. The game had already started and Michael’s character was going around the screen collecting weapons while Samuel didn’t even know which buttons did what. They fell on the old standby and started button mashing, hoping one of the buttons they pressed would do something useful. And they were just about right and started to get a hang of the controls until the zombies showed up. Samuel died instantly, forgetting which button let them shoot and which one sent them running right into the zombie’s gaping maw. The game over screen beeped tauntingly at them and Michael smirked.

“Are you ready to learn now?” Michael asked teasingly, barely concealing his wide grin. Samuel sighed in resignation, they knew when they were bested.

“Yes,” they said, voice in a fake whining tone. It was a good choice because it got Michael to laugh, and the butterflies in their stomach woke up.

“Okie doki,” Michael started. “So the A button-,”

Samuel listened intently to Michael’s voice as he explained the mechanics of the game, they would never admit it but they really wanted to learn if anything then to just impress Michael. They were more of a nerd than a geek but would be willing to give geekiness a chance just to be near Michael.

The teens played a few rounds of the game, never getting farther than level five but Samuel was genuinely shocked that they managed to get that far, as was Michael seeing how they had bombed so amazingly at playing PAC-man, a video game for children.

“Well, I had a good teacher,” Samuel said, not taking their eyes off the screen as they mashed down the B button. Michael blushed, despite their voice creeping back into its usual monotone. They had been grinding their way through level five at least three different times before hitting game over again, Samuel sank down in their bean bag in defeat.

“You wanna get high now?” Michael asked and Samuel nodded. Michael got up to grab his stuff from a backpack in the corner of the room and deftly rolled them a blunt.

“You know how to do it,” he asked, handing it over to Samuel.

“No I don’t,” they said, handing it back.

“That’s fine,” he replied, putting the joint between his lips and lighting it, inhaling slowly. He coughed slightly and handed it over. “Just suck in and you should be fine and let the smoke out slowly.”

Samuel eyed the blunt warily but put it in their mouth and inhaled deeply and immediately started to hack up a lung, eyes burning.

“Aw shit,” Michael said good naturedly. “Small inhales dude, small.”

“You could have told me that earlier,” they wheezed. They took small sips from the blunt and started to feel at ease. This wasn’t so bad, this felt nice.

After a couple of hits Michael could see the weed starting to affect Samuel. Their posture was looser and their eyelids drooped lower.

“How're you feeling bud,” Michael called over, taking a puff. Samuel turned their head and grinned. Or at least tried to. They felt like they were just baring their teeth.

“Umai,” they replied and Michael laughed.

“I don't speak Japanese dude,” he said laughing. Samuel started to laugh too.

“Sorry,” they said. “My brain's all weird and the words are mixing around and stuff. Back when I lived with my dad we only ever spoke Japanese at home.”

“Shit dude, what happened if you don't mind me asking.” Samuel waved him off.

“Divorce,” they said bluntly. Michael sucked in a deep breath.

“Heavy matters.”

“It's fine really,” Samuel said. “I never really liked him anyway. I don't really like most people.” Michael grinned in a way he hoped seemed charming.

“You like me though, right,” he said, passing the blunt.

“Yes,” Samuel said, taking a hit and coughing. “But you're not most people. You're better than them.”

“Oh yeah,” Michael said, preening a bit under the compliment.

“Yeah,” Samuel replied. “You're funny and you like me even though I'm mean and you-” they chuckled lightly. “You held my hand and my brain was like 'bzzzt!' and when I look at you I wanna kiss you. Can I kiss you?” Samuel giggled, leaning close to Michael.

“Sure,” he said with that adorable sleepy look that came so natural to him, grinning broadly. Samuel leaned in and placed a firm kiss on the corners of his mouth, almost completely missing it due to their eyes being screwed shut. Michael laughed

“It's not funny,” Samuel whined. “I haven't even ever kissed someone before.”

“Oh man,” Michael said lightly. “Cmere and I'll teach you how to kiss.” Samuel scooted over, sitting on their knees on Michael's bean bag. Michael lightly cupped the other teen’s face with his hand and Samuel all but melted into it.

“Ok so first you find their mouth and just kinda…” Michael put his mouth against Samuel’s and it was warm and electrifying. He mouthed the lyrics to some song against Samuel's mouth but they couldn't place it because their brain was absolutely buzzing and their nerves were all over the place. The two broke apart for air and Samuel had a dreamy dopey look on their face that Michael had never seen on another person. He wanted to kiss them forever if it meant that look was directed only at him.

“That was really good,” Samuel said astutely, resting their face on Michael's shoulder.

“Was it?” Michael asked grinning. “We could do it again if you want.” Samuel's head immediately perked up and there was something electric in their bright blue eyes.

“Please,” they asked hopefully and Michael immediately answered their question by scooping them up in a kiss.

This time Samuel scrambled to the call of action, long legs wrapping around Michael's waist and long fingers tangled up in his thick black hair. They kissed as they had for a while before Samuel's mouth opened slightly in a sigh. Michael took the teen's lower lip with his teeth, biting slightly to draw out a moan, and what a moan it was. High and breathy and so unlike the stoic teen in his lap, Michael nearly popped a boner right then and there. But when Samuel's skillful fingers tugged at a loose curl he couldn't help the rumbling growl that escaped from his lips. God he was so hot for them. Michael’s tongue brushed against Samuel’s lower lip and they opened their mouth wider in the kiss to make room. It was weird, it was so strange and Michael’s mouth tasted like pot which objectively was gross but Samuel wanted more, more wetness, more closeness, they instantly became addicted to the feeling of Michael’s mouth pressed hotly against theirs.

They broke apart with a thin strand of salvia still connecting their lips. Samuel smiled at him and it was sleepy and dazed, the high must be wearing off. They unlatched their legs from Michael and pushed him down against the bean bag and laid on top of him, head resting right above his heartbeat.

“Whaddya wanna do now?” Michael asked. Samuel sighed and nuzzled their face further into Michael's chest

“Lie here, be with you,” they replied dreamily.

“Good,” Michael said, wrapping his arms around Samuel's thin waist. “Because that's what I wanna do too.” They laid there around each other for a while before Michael realized he was thirsty.

“Hey man, how you feeling,” he asked

“Koi no yokan,” they muttered sleepily into his chest. Michael had no idea what that meant.

“Aight, well I'm gonna grab us some waters, so time to get up sleepy head.”

They felt Michael squirm underneath them and despite not wanting to lose their warm pillow they obediently rolled over, freeing the other teen. Samuel laid out on the bean bag, breathing in where Michael used to be, their nerves absolutely on fire. They felt their leather jacket against their arms and never realized before how warm and soft the jacket was. They felt so clingy. Why were they so clingy? Was it the pot? It was probably the pot. They said something weird but couldn't quite place it. It was definitely something they shouldn't have said but Michael didn't call them out on it so they should be fine and oh my gosh they were so hungry! Have they ever been this hungry before? Or thirsty for that matter. They felt like they could drink Lake Michigan and eat everything they found in there.

As if like their knight in shiny armor Samuel spotted Michael walking down the basement steps, two large water bottles in one hand and an armful of snacks.

“My hero,” Samuel said from the bean bag and Michael laughed. He tossed them a bottle of water which they caught clumsily with both hands.

“Drink that first, then we can dig into the snacks and watch a movie,” Michael said, hooking up his dvd player to the tv. Samuel nearly chugged half the water bottle in one fell swoop, god they were thirsty. Setting the water aside they looked out at the spread. Chips, cookies, cupcakes, it was a veritable buffet of all the terrible junk food they loved.

“You're a man after my own heart,” they said, grabbing a snack cake. Michael chuckled from the tv.

“I sure hope so,” he replied. “You wanna watch Clerks?”

“I've never seen it,” Samuel replied, not caring they were talking with their mouth full.

“Aw man, it's a great flick,” Michael gushed. “It's got some faux-intellectual shit in it so you should like it.” Samuel snorted.

“Don't let appearances fool you, maybe I actually like dumb stoner comedies,” they said. Michael’s eyebrows shot up in surprised.

“Do you?”

“No,” Samuel said, barely containing their grin. Michael laughed.

“I knew it you brat,” he said, taking his seat next to Samuel. Samuel curled around Michael and rested their head on his chest. Michael wrapped an arm around them and started to pet their curly locks.

“But I'd watch them if you like them,” they said quietly. Michael chuckled lightly.

“You're different than you were before,” he said. Samuel puzzled what was just said to them.

“Is different good?” they asked hopefully.

“In your case, very,” Michael replied, his voice was still light but it held something underneath it Samuel didn’t understand.

“Oh no, was I mean to you,” they said, schooling their voice to convey the ache they felt in their chest. Michael didn't respond. “Oh shit, I was.”

“No you weren't mean per se, just... cold and smug. You were like an anime villain almost. Or the Hal 9000.”

“I'm still like that though,” Samuel muttered, thinking about how they’d act when the high fully dissipated.

“I don't think so. I don't think before you'd ever do the things we're doing right now,” he replied easily.

“Which is?”

“Watching a movie, cuddling. Talking.” Samuel snuggled their face further into his chest.

“I'm glad you gave me a second chance then.”

“Me too, because I think I really like who you are now.”

“Good, because I really like you,” Samuel replied. They never said those words before unprompted but something in their chest said they meant it. Michael kissed the top of their head.

“Do you want some milk?” he asked. “It'll help sober you up for when you need to drive home.”

“Yeah but not right now, I'm too comfortable to sober up,” they replied. Michael kissed the top of their head again.

“Ok bud, whenever you're ready.”

Chapter Text

By the time they were back in their house their mother had been long gone and their outfit reeked of pot and of Michael, not wanting to quite lose the whole afternoon, they opted to hide their jacket in the far corners of their room and wash the rest of their clothes. In the shower they luxuriated in the steam the hot water produced, sighing and cracking their stiff joints.

“Reactivate,” they murmured quietly to their squip, it was about time he come back online. Sure enough they heard the excited buzzing of Jeremy in the back of their head.

‘Sooo,’ he said. ‘How do you think the date went?’ A small smile played on Samuel’s lips thinking about the afternoon. Jeremy must have noticed the increased amount of feel good chemicals rushing through Samuel’s brain at even the thought of their date.

‘I’m proud of you kiddo,’ he said. ‘I’ll review the data from when I was shut down while you go recharge.’ With that his buzzing disappeared into the recesses of their mind.

Samuel finished their shower and changed into a tshirt and sweatpants, allowing their wet hair to curl around their neck and ears. They walked into their bedroom and laid down, feeling happy and maybe a little tired. They just did something that they never considered doing before and it was nice and it was fun and Samuel found their normally crisp and clear thoughts clouded by making out with Michael to 8bit chiptunes, which in their opinion was their favorite way to makeout. Granted their experience is incredibly limited but the sentiment still stands.

Sentiment, that isn't something they've ever cared for before. They never felt those cherished moments between family and friends, ones to look back on with rose tinted glasses. Would that change now? Even more frightening, what if it didn't? If they could never get their heart to swell and then crescendo with love and adoration for Michael. Outside of his basement they could never get their voice to reach above monotone without straining their vocal cords to make the right sounds. If Michael gets to see them, and finds out he doesn't like it. A cold pit of dread formed in their stomach. It felt like panic, were they have a panic attack? They felt their chest heaving up and down with gulps of air, their throat raw from exertion. Their eyes went glossy and unfocused and it felt like their head was a wasp’s nest being hit over and over with a baseball bat and yet refused to kill the wasps. Why won't the wasps die!?

‘Stop,’ rang Jeremy’s voice, not as a sound but as a feeling, hitting every nerve in their body. Their breathing slowed, the wasps went to sleep. Samuel laid there paralyzed, as if- if they tried to move the whole ordeal will start over. They could feel Jeremy rubbing soothing circles into their skin.

‘Shhh,’ he cooed gently. ‘You're okay, you're safe.’ Samuel could only lay there and listen, their voice temporarily abandoning them.

‘What if- if Michael…’ they thought weakly, exhausted. They hoped Jeremy would know what they meant. He smiled kindly at them.

‘I won't let anything bad happen to you, now go to sleep,’ he said. He didn't answer the question, that's not a great sign but Samuel couldn't protest, they were lulled into a gentle sleep.

Samuel found themself inexplicably at school. The bell rang around them and students moved in circles to head to class while Samuel stood in the middle of it all. They could feel their head spinning watching everyone move, somehow both sped up and in slow motion. Out of the crowd Samuel saw Michael walking towards them but he looked different. Colder.

“I know what you are,” he said, voice low and icy. It sent shivers up Samuel’s spine.

“What do you mean,” they replied, confusion tinting their words.

“You aren't even human are you?” he said laughing bitterly. “Just wires and circuits. A computer.”

“What no! I-” they were cut off.

“You thought you could manipulate me didn't you. Into thinking you could have feeling for me!”

“I do! I do have feeling for you,” Samuel called out pathetically. Their heart clenched in their chest at the look of disgust on Michael’s face. They tried to reach out to him but he dodged.

“You filthy fucking robot,” he spat. “Drink this cherry slushie. Do us all a favor and short circuit.” He poured the drink on them and they felt their skin start to burn.

Pathetic.

The flesh melted away revealing blue circuit boards underneath. They sparked and sputtered from the liquid.

Pitiful.

Disgusting.

“No no! NO!”

Samuel woke up panting, sitting right up and trying to catch their breath. Oh their therapist will definitely hear about this shit.

The next day at school Samuel felt… they didn't want to say nervous but something very close to that. Something that made them clutch their backpack straps a little tighter.

‘Don't be silly,’ Jeremy cooed in their ear. ‘Michael wouldn't pour cherry slushie on you even if you were a robot.’

‘You're not very comforting,’ Samuel snarked back.

They went through they’re day very quietly, for once they felt like how they had before they got Jeremy. They almost missed the comfort of being numb. Of walking through the school as a phantom, only appearing to strike fear or unease in someone. They felt a light shock run up their spine.

‘Ouch, what the hell,’ they thought bitterly. Jeremy rolled his eyes. Moody computer.

‘I’m not about to let our hard work go to waste by letting you spiral back into your depressive episode,’ he said.

‘Who are you, my therapist?’ Samuel scoffed.

‘Obviously not, you don’t pay me and in return I’m allowed to shock you when you’re acting up.’ Allowed is a strong word, Samuel thought. More like ‘they had no way of stopping him’. But still, it was a strange feeling that someone cared for their wellbeing, even when they didn’t have to legally. It reminded them of Michael.

‘I’m not making out with you,’ Jeremy deadpanned and Samuel felt a blush rise to their face.

‘Shut up.’ Jeremy stuck his tongue out at them jokingly and disappeared.

When the lunch period came Samuel felt a rise of anxiety shoot up their body. Looking out at the lunch room they saw Michael and Jenna sitting at their usual table. A voice in their head said they could book it right now, go to the computer lab and only eat protein shakes and ignore Jeremy forever, but they didn’t. They walked to their lunch table, unwavering despite the raging storm of wasps inside of them.

“Hey Sam.”

“Whaddup Sammy.” the two hollered at them as they sat down next to Michael. He had his usual slushie and sushi but Samuel noticed the slushie was blue instead of his usual cherry. It was...comforting.

“We were just talking about you,” Jenna said lightly. Samuel smirked.

“All bad things I hope,” they replied, bringing out their tupperware’d salad. Jeremy was very insistent on keeping a stable and healthy diet.

“Just the worst,” Jenna laughed. Samuel smirked but still felt unease. They cleared their throat.

“So, are you well Michael,” hey asked. The look of perplexity on Michael’s said it all, they needed Jeremy to intervene right now.

“I’m good dude,” he replied warily. “And you?” Samuel heard Jeremy start back up in their brain.

‘Say that you’re doing alright, and that you had a really good time this weekend.’

“I’m doing alright” Samuel said, voice schooled to sound easy. “I had a really nice time with you over the weekend.” Color rose to Michael’s face and Jenna’s eyes sparkled at some potential gossip she didn’t know.

“Y-yeah, I did too,” he said, a little too quickly. Jenna perched her head on her hands, intently listening.

‘Ask him if he liked to go out and get bubble tea afterschool.’

“Would you like to get bubble tea afterschool with me?” they asked. Jenna muttered something that sounded like a singsong “50% psychic”, Samuel shot her a quick glare which caused her to smile brighter. Michael immediately peeked up, his whole demeanor seeming to glow brighter.

“Hell yeah, sounds fun! I'll uh- I can drive you. Save on gas or whatever.”

“I'd like that,” they replied easily, a small smile playing on their lips.

“C-cool. See you then,” Michael said, gathering his bag together and walking out of the lunch room. A large smile burst on Jenna’s face and Samuel’s dropped back into a comfortable neutral expression.

“I knew it!” she squealed. “How did it happen? Spill the deets Sammy!”

“Apparently when I'm high I have no issue expressing my ‘emotions’ as I would sober,” they explained. Jenna’s expression changed from one of excitement to one of understanding.

“Oh! So that's why he looked so confused when you asked him how he was,” she said. Samuel nodded solemnly.

“I think I really like him Jenna, and for once I don't know what to do.” Jenna pulled a face, thinking over this issue before grabbing Samuel’s two hands with her own.

“Ok Samuel, here's what I think: I think you should be honest with him about your deal. Like, you don't have to give him your full backstory but just be clear and honest with him about your emotions and how you… I dunno… process them.” Samuel looked down at their hands, they always looked so much paler compared to Jenna. Their mother always said they could use a little sunshine.

“Jenna. What if- what if he does find out the sober me. The real me. And he doesn't like what he sees,” Samuel asked quietly, feeling incredibly vulnerable. Jenna gave them a soft smile.

“Then all the smokes really fucked with his brain,” she joked. “But I don't think he will. I know everybody in this school but Michael, he's a real sensitive guy. Wears his heart on his sleeve.”

There was a moment of silence, but Jenna could see the gears turning in Samuel’s head.

“So, what were you two actually talking about,” they asked eventually. Jenna snorted.

“Nosy nosy,” she teased. “I must be rubbing off on you if you actually care about gossip!” Samuel made a faux defensive stance.

“Only when it pertains to me! Besides, it's not like next you'll be joining robotics club.”

“I might,” she said coyly. “No offense but nerdy drama is way more interesting that popular drama. Popular drama is all about who's hooking up with who for the third time this week.” Samuel smirked.

“You never know. Perhaps I have some side hoes around school I've been seeing,” they replied easily. Jenna wheezed in amusement.

“No offense Sammy but I don't think you've even fucked your right hand, much less a person,” she laughed. Samuel huffed and crossed their arms, it would have been better if Jeremy wasn’t also snickering in their head.

‘She has a point,’ he said.

“Do I really exude that much of aura of virgin?” they asked. They didn’t really care, it was true and until recently they were a kiss virgin as well. Jenna gave them a sympathetic smile and patted their shoulder.

“Not virgin so much as Ed Gein, sweetheart,” she said barely keeping a straight face. Samuel couldn’t help themself, that shit was funny.

“How dare, I am at least a Dahmer and you know it.” Jenna laughed.

“My mistake.”

 ---

Samuel waited around the front entrance of the school for Michael, watching their fellow students walk out the doors and to their own freedom. It’s strange, they’d live in this town their whole life and despite that they don’t know anyone else in the school except Jenna and Michael, like actually know.

‘Should I care about these people?’ they asked to Jeremy.

‘Probably, at least a little. You should care if they die or not.’

‘I don’t though.’

‘I know.’

They saw Michael come up to them from the side and was taken out of their melancholy reverey.

“Hey dude,” he said. “You ready to go?”

“Of course,” Samuel said, quirking their lips up. It probably looked like a smile and not a twitch, Samuel reasoned. They felt awkward talking to Michael without Jeremy’s assistance but they somehow manage to charm Jenna so maybe they can with Michael. They felt Jeremy smiling at the positive thinking.

They walked over to Michael’s beat up Pt Cruiser and took their places within the car. It smelt of weed and axe body spray in the car and there were stickers and a Fallout air freshener hanging from the mirror. It was messy, far messier than Samuel’s car which they kept as pristine as possible, but it was nice. The clutter felt comforting, it didn’t speak of expectations that Samuel couldn’t meet.

“Sorry about the mess,” Michael said, running a hand through his hair.

“That’s alright,” Samuel replied. “I like it.” Michael raised his eyebrow and gave Samuel a bemused smile.

“You like it?” he asked. Samuel shrugged.

“Yeah, it feels lived in.” Michael snorted.

“You’re weird Samuel,” he said, starting to drive to the cafe.

“Is weird good?” Samuel asked.

“Yeah, yeah I think so,” he replied.

The inside of the bubble tea cafe had a very warm atmosphere. There was a large mural of black and white koi fish swimming in circles on the wall and behind the front counter were many containers of tea. Everything there was bathed in a light pastel coat of paint. Samuel and Michael sat down at a small table in the back each with a taro and red bean tea respectively. Michael idly sipped at his drink while Samuel played with their fingers, wondering how they should phrase what they want to say.

“Please pardon me if I'm not as emotive as I was our last date,” they said eventually. Michael looked up from his drink and smiled understandingly.

“Nah it's fine dude, you're good. Do you want me to like, tone down my affection, we could like start over as just friends.” They pondered this for a moment. They really didn’t want that and they could tell by the look in Michael’s eyes he didn’t want that either.

“No, my feelings for you remain the same,” they said with a half smile. “I am… stunted in how I express myself so it's easier and most comfortable for me to not emote,” Samuel explained. They saw the light come back into Michael’s eyes. He smiled and held Samuel’s hand in his own. It was warm.

“It's all good, you're like a sexy little robot,” Michael said jokingly, kissing the back of their hand. Samuel felt some heat rise to their face before Michael started to back pedal, face red with what he just said.

“Unless that was too far. Just tell me when I've overstepped my boundaries,” he said nervously. Samuel shrugged a shoulder carelessly.

“It's fine, I like that one. It's cute.”

“Radical,” Michael breathed, relieved. Samuel leaned forward, icy blue eyes locking with Michael’s brown ones. Michael felt like he was being hypnotized.

“May I kiss you,” Samuel asked, voice soft under the steel of their clipped consonants. Michael blushed wildly.

“R-right here,” he asked, thinking back to that afternoon in his basement. Samuel smirked.

“A chaste one, Michael. To show my affection for you,” they said. Michael grinned shakily.

“Hell yeah,” he said. Samuel reached in and closed the space between their mouths pressed lightly against Michael’s. It lasted for only a second but Michael was stunned, lips tingling from where Samuel’s own pastel pink lips once were. Samuel blushed and cleared their throat.

“Have I made myself clear?” they asked. Michael smiled and kissed the back of their hand again, right over a particularly long scar.

“Yeah, you have,” he beamed.

The two took their drinks out to Michael’s car, Weezer blasting from his radio and Samuel resting their head on Michael’s shoulder.

“-and anyway that’s why Africa by Weezer and Weird Al is superior to the original by Toto,” Michael rambled, giving Samuel a history lesson on the band.

“Michael I’m not going to lie, I only got about half of that,” they said taking a sip from their drink. Michael snorted and wrapped an arm around their shoulders.

“You dork, that’s how people feel when you talk about your nerdy shit,” he said teasingly. Samuel rolled their eyes but snuggled deeper into the crook of Michael’s arm regardless.

“I enjoy being like this with you,” they said after a while. They raised their head and met Michael’s eyes. “You make me feel real.” Michael kissed the top of their forehead.

“You are real, Sammy,” he laughed.

“No like,” they stretched, back popping slightly. “I normally feel so disconnected and numb and I don’t mind that, but when I’m with you I feel things. You make me have feelings,” they explained. Despite their voice never reaching above a monotone Michael could sense the frenetic energy underneath, and rubbed Samuel’s arm to try to alleviate it. He leaned towards Samuel’s face, lips barely touching the shell of their ear.

“I didn’t know you were a romantic,” he murmured, breath warm against Samuel’s ear and they blushed. They shuddered and sighed in comfort.

“I suppose I didn’t know either,” they said. The two of them looked out the front window of Michael’s car, the sky a brilliant orange with the sun setting, the days were getting shorter now.

“I guess I should drive you back to your car now,” Michael said. Samuel sighed.

“I suppose so,” they said, wiggling out of Michael’s arm so he could drive. Samuel felt cold without Michael’s warmth. It didn’t take long for the silence to be broken.

“So like, normally you don’t feel things like empathy and shit?” Michael asked carefully, trying not to strike a nerve. He’d have to try very hard to rile Samuel up.

“Yes, that’s correct,” they answered truthfully.

“But you like, like me, yeah?” Michael asked, sounding genuinely perplexed.

“Yes.” Samuel watched Michael’s confusion out of the corner of their eye.

“Why?” he asked eventually. “Isn't supposed to be like, I dunno, someone special to get to your heart. All I really do is listen to pop-punk music and play video games.” Samuel pondered his question for a moment.

“Michael, you are special. You extended me your friendship when I had done nothing to deserve it and you stay with me. Most people wouldn’t stay with a person who is essentially emotionless. You have a big heart Michael, you complete me.” Michael pulled the car over to the side of the road, his eyes looked watery and his smile was shaky.

“Michael what are you doing with your face?,” Samuel asked looking at him.

“I’m crying, dude,” he said with a big smile. Oh no.

“Have I offended you?” Samuel asked, feeling slightly sheepish. They were new to the whole ‘saying kind things to others’ thing.

“No I’m happy, you made me happy,” he said before pulling the shocked Samuel into a tight squeeze. After they got over their initial surprise they relaxed into the hug, wrapping their arms around Michael’s back. It was nice, he was warm besides the wet spot being bored into their shoulder. He breaks away, his eyes were rimmed red and his face was tear stained but that smile, oh my that smile, that smile could put the moon to shame in brilliance.

“Can I kiss you,” Michael whispered conspiratorially with a goofy grin.

“Of course,” Samuel replied and Michael squished their lips together. It was sweet, he was sweet and their noses were being crushed together and Samuel couldn’t really breathe correctly but why would they want to do that? The two broke apart and rested their foreheads together, Michael was absolutely glowing and Samuel felt their heart begin to accelerate.

“C’mon, let’s get you to your car, my lil robot needs to get home for recharge,” he joked, and the butterflies in Samuel’s stomach woke up at the pet name.

“Ok.”

Chapter Text

Driving home, Samuel tried desperately to ignore the butterflies that were throwing an absolute rave in their stomach and Jeremy so smugly grinning in their head that he was right and they were wrong. Jeremy projected himself in the passenger seat so that Samuel could see just how self satisfied he is.

‘I don’t think you give yourself enough credit,’ he said.

“Shut up,” Samuel muttered.

‘You got Michael to like you for who you are, not who you think a teenager should act like.’ This startled Samuel slightly. They guess they did do that.

‘I’m proud of you,’ Jeremy said warmly. Samuel smiled. Jeremy looked down and fidgeted with his hands, Samuel raised an eyebrow.

“What’s wrong?” they asked the squip. Jeremy sighed and looked back up at Samuel.

‘I need you to ask Michael if he has any Mountain Dew Red.’ he said, voice surprisingly firm for how nervous he looked.

“Ok. Why?” Samuel asked.

‘Because you're going to deactivate me.’ Samuel nearly choked on spit and quickly swerved the car into their driveway.

“What? No I’m not, what's wrong with you?” they sputtered.

‘I've finished my purpose,’ Jeremy shrugged. ‘You're happy, you have friends and you know how to socialize with your peers. I'm done here.’ They went sickly pale.

“But you can't just leave. I'm still broken!” Samuel exclaimed.

‘I disagree. I believe you are an extraordinary, spirited young person that can handle whatever life throws at you,’ he said gently but with so much conviction that Samuel almost believed him. They sighed and scrubbed at their face with their hands.

“What do I tell him? When I ask him for the Mountain Dew.” they said eventually.

‘Everything,’ Jeremy replied. ‘Relationships aren't built on secrets, you know this.’

With that in mind, Samuel quietly tromped up to their room, their room same as ever but different. It was dark, it was blue and it was cold but there was warmth. The lingering scent of Michael’s pot and Jenna’s perfume embedded itself into their curtains and carpet. On their desk amongst the clutter of broken computer pieces was a pc game gifted to them by Michael and a small bottle of black nail polish they kept forgetting to return to Jenna. Or maybe they never intended on returning it and wished to keep a part of her with them, just in case. It was dark and cold but Jeremy’s purple light shined wherever his holographic body took him, bathing the blacks and blues of Samuel’s life in a soft lilac.

Samuel went into their closet and grabbed the jacket that had take residence in the back corner. It still smelled like Michael, like his cheap body spray and weed. They pressed the jacket against their face, embracing the feeling of the cold leather. They knew what they needed to do.

It was easy enough to see Michael over the weekend, one phone call and Samuel had successfully invited themself over to his house. It was down in his basement, sitting in those bean bag chairs with imperfect posture where they started to feel, they didn’t want to say nervous but that was exactly it. They were nervous. They fidgeted with their fingers, a nervous habit they’re sure they picked up from Jeremy and watched Michael as he started to set up his NES. They had to say something.

“Michael. I need to tell you something.” they started.

“Sure fam, shoot,” he said easily, casting a casual look over his shoulder.

“I uh. You know I like you, you have to know this,” Samuel said, started to feel a pit form in their stomach.

“Yeah I do,” Michael replied before his eyes opened in shocked. “You aren't breaking up with me are you? We haven't even been like together that long.” He started to rake his fingers through his hair nervously, occasionally pulling.

“Aw shit you are breaking up with me,” he said, his voice more of a whimper. Samuel shot up from their bean bag to Michael’s side, taking his hands and rubbing their thumbs over his knuckles gently.

“No no, I'm not breaking up with you. That's the opposite of my concerns. Calm down. Have you ever heard of a squip?” Samuel asked, not a hint of emotion in their tone but their eyes glinted in the dim light.

“Yeah,” Michael said, breathing out a sigh of relief. “I think my cousin took one. It's like a pill that tells you how to be cool right?”

“Correct and I,” they gulped. “My therapist prescribed one. I used a squip and it coached me and taught me how to behave. I wanted to come clean. I'm not a good person. I have very little empathy for other people, if any at all and I-” they sniffled, voice becoming thick with unshed tears.

“And I need a drug just to tell me how to make friends and now you're going to break up with me because you realize I’ve been deceiving you like the m-manipulative sociopath I am and-” their voice was franic, loud hiccuping sobs escaped their throat in between words and tears began to stream down their face. They looked a mess.

“Woah Sammy calm down,” Michael exclaimed, worry etching all his features. “I've never seen you like this before. C'mere. I'm not breaking up with you,” he said pulling Samuel in a firm hug, the other teen’s tears soaking his shoulder.

“It's really weird you did all that but it's gotta mean something that you told me. I don't think you're as bad as you think you are and like I said... I wanna make this work. So please stop crying Sammy.”

“I'm.. I’m crying?” they said, as if pulled out of trance. It wasn’t so much a question as a discovery.

“Yeah dude and it's freaking me out,” he said chuckling nervously. Samuel pulled out of the embrace, face stoic as if their outburst never happened. They brought a hand to their wet face.

“I as well. My mother says I never cried since I was an infant. You must have really made an effect on me, Michael Mell,” they said in wonder. Michael placed a firm kiss on their temple.

“What are boyfriends for,” he said easily. “Now do you have any other brain blending reveries or do you wanna play Pong?”

Samuel’s silence was not a comforting sound.

“I need Mountain Dew red, I know you collect vintage sodas so I figured you would know where to find it. I'm going to deactivate my Squip,” they explained plainly. Michael looked grossed out, or maybe aghast. Samuel wasn’t great at reading facial expressions.

“Dude vintage drinks are not for drinking and aren't you allergic to red food coloring or something,” he said. Samuel smiled the way one would when explaining a simple concept to a small child.

“Yes, which is why I need you to stab me with my epipen when I drink it.” Michael pulled a face at that.

“But like even if you do drink it it's like wicked expired. You could get sick!,” he pleaded. Samuel’s brain whirred realizing they needed to up the urgency.

“Michael please,” they said softly. ”I don't want to have the temptation to easily morph into someone I believe you'd like. I want to be honest with you even if it isn't as charming.”

“Dude you're always someone I like, I didn't get a crush on your Squip I got a crush on you. And all your nerdy computer shit and overly formal words,” he said, grinning wryly and waving his hand as to gesture to Samuel’s whole being. They grabbed the hand midair and it held it tightly between their own.

“Then you'll help me,” they said seriously, making piercing eye contact with Michael. They could feel Michael’s resolve lessening. He sighed.

“Ok. I'll help you. Give me a week to get it to you and I'll see if my guy at Spencer's can hook me up.” The intensity of Samuel’s gaze softened.

“Thank you Michael I- I really appreciate you,” Samuel said, color rising to their normally pallid cheeks. Michael tilted his head cutely at them and smiled.

“I love you too,” he replied. “Now, do you actually want to play Pong with me,” Michael laughed, exaggerating exhaustion. Samuel smiled and pressed Michael’s finger tips against their lips.

“It would mean the world to me to lose at Pong to you,” they said, Michael scoffed and pushed at their chest with his free hand.

“Dork,” he snorted, starting up the game for them.

It had been about, five maybe six-

‘Five days.’

Five days since Michael promised to get Samuel the Mountain Dew red and Samuel was starting to feel a depressive slump come over them.

‘You’re thinking about your own mortality,’ Jeremy said. ‘I wouldn't have suggested it if I thought there was a chance you would die.’

But there was a chance, at least a little one. That Michael froze up and didn’t use the epipen right away, that they died from food poisoning or some complications with Jeremy being basically disintegrated in their brain. The strangest thing was, if someone had asked them if they wanted to die months ago, they would have jumped the chance but now they weren’t so certain. It was that uncertainty and the idea that they had something to lose that frightened them. Melancholy off key guitar poured from their radio, some kind of punk mixtape Michael made for them but god help them if they could remember all the genres of punk Michael listed off for them.

Some things you do for money, and some you do for love, love, love.

Samuel felt their phone buzz.

‘Come over.’ it read from Michael.

This was it. Samuel shakily got up off of their bed as if forcing their legs to work. Jeremy must have noticed because a voice piped up in the back of their brain.

‘Are you ready, man?’ he asked. Samuel gulped, throwing on their jacket and a bravado.

“Born ready, son.”

They took the CD out of their player and brought it to their car, turning it to a loud rumbling track as they sped out of their driveway. Maybe it was easier to think they were a badass main character in sci-fi movie off on a mission to save the world instead of a teenager that was about to drink expired soda in their boyfriend’s basement to get rid of nanotechnology in their brain.

“Things could be stranger,” they reasoned to themself.

‘But probably not,’ Jeremy piped up.

“Shut up.”

When they pulled into Michael’s driveway they were greeted by the teen himself before they could even get out of their car. Samuel rolled down their windows.

“Excited?” they asked.

“More like scared shitless,” Michael responded chuckling slightly. Samuel couldn’t help but agree.

They let Michael lead them down to his basement by hand and even now they were still amazed by how well their hands fit together, their own long slim fingers curling tightly around Michael’s fleshy palm like he were a lifeline to be clung to. Then they were there.

The smell of pot permeated the room, from the tacky wood paneled walls to the stained carpet housing bean bag chairs and a torn to shreds couch that should have been thrown away years ago. To the pinkish red bottle of Mountain Dew Red sitting on the coffee table.

“Well, are you ready?” Michael asked softly.

“I-,” Samuel said, words catching in their throat. They could hear the blood pumping in their ears, their perfect posture deflating and the sore pain of adrenaline coursing through their veins at their wrists. They felt Michael run a hand through their curly fluffy hair, they needed a haircut. They could hear Michael shushing them, cooing calming words to them. They felt those warm hands touch their face and they leaned into that touch like it would bring them to salvation.

They held a finger up and went for the bottle on the counter, then cleared their throat and held the bottle aloft as if they were making a toast. They’re voice was wavery nervous.

“I know that you’ve never gotten to meet Jeremy, my squip, but he is possibly the best AI I’ve ever met-”

‘Only AI you’ve ever met.’

Samuel seemed to glare at the empty space next to Michael, he could only assume that’s where ‘Jeremy’ was. Weird.

“And despite his nagging, sarcasm and irritating optimism-”

Jeremy rolled his eyes.

“-I’m really going to miss him,” Samuel finished solemnly, hand moving to unscrew the cap of the soda. Michael waved his hands to grab their attention.

“Hey before you drink this, do- do you remember when we first hung out here?” Michael piped up, looking a bit apprehensive.

Of course they remembered, they’d remember it forever.

“You said something in Japanese, koi no yokai or something like that, do you remember?”

Samuel felt their face heat up, his pronunciation was poor at best but yes they knew what he was talking about.

“What did it mean?”

Samuel pressed a chaste kiss to Michael’s mouth, less of a kiss and more just an excuse to feel Michael against them.

“I’ll tell you when I wake up,” they said against Michael’s mouth.

They unscrewed the cap and chugged half the drink in all its mildewy, flat, expired glory.

And everything went white.

Chapter Text

Pain invaded every part of their body, searing and burning and aching, their blood was pumping so hard and fast they were sure it was going to burst right through their skin and bathe everything in a bath of red red red. The color of what they saw behind their clench shut eyes and the taste of what they felt in their mouth, blood and soda mixing into a fizzy cacophony of iron and spit. Their blood was carbonated, screaming through their veins making their arms and legs twitch in agony like the frog they would torture on hot summer days on even hotter pavement. It was heat, it was seering, it was red.

It was red.

It was seering.

It was…

Nothing. So much nothing that felt like the same nothing as floating underwater in a pool, or the beginning of a plumet on a roller coaster. The floating liminal space of a convenience store two towns over at 11pm, it was the softness of nostalgia blurred memories and half remembered poems. A weight lifted off Samuel’s shoulders, and their chest and their spine.

Floating in the deep aether was Jeremy, finally looking at ease instead of on the verge of a nervous break. Comfort flowed easily into every pore of Samuel’s body and they could feel themself floating into that ease until they felt a firm hand on their shoulder. It took a great effort to open their sleepy eyes to see Jeremy looking down on them.

“Hey you,” they slurred, tongue feeling heavy in their mouth. Jeremy’s lips quirked up.

“Hey you,” he responded. “What are you doing?”

Samuel shrugged.

“Maybe taking a nap. It's nice here,” they replied with such ease they didn't know they had. They didn't feel real up here, or wherever they are.

“You know you can't stay,” Jeremy said, smiling gently at Samuel like they were very sick or very stupid. They pouted.

“Why not?”

“Because they,” Jeremy said gesturing to the bright light below them. “Would miss you, Jenna, your mother-”

“Fuck my mother,” Samuel spat, feeling a familiar hatred fill their chest. They couldn’t remember why but it felt natural.

“-Michael.” Michael. Would Michael miss them? Maybe at first but they didn't know each other long. He would probably find someone else, someone who was good at video games and wasn't emotionally impotent. Someone good for Michael, that could really make him happy. Yeah, Samuel thought, shutting their eyes. Maybe it's better this way.

“Samuel!” Jeremy barked, grabbing their wrist harshly. Samuel looked down only to be greeted by so many little white lines decorating their arms. They could've sworn those had faded by now.

“You have to go home,” Jeremy said sternly, voice glitching and cracking like a broken computer. Pixels started to stray from his body, taking bits of him into the nothing before disappearing.

“You have a lot to live for,” he said sadly, face pixelating into the darkness, only half a smile remaining. His grip on Samuel losing its strength until there was nothing there.

And they fell into that bright white light

Samuel woke up and it was white, white ceiling, white fluorescent light and sore. They looked to their side and saw their mother, half sleeping in the waiting chair. What was she doing there?

“Mom?” they croaked miserably, voice raw and scratchy. She woke up immediately and was to their side before they could process it.

“Oh Sam, oh my Sammy, we were so scared. Your friend, the one in the hoodie, he brought you in. He said that you drank some red soda and went into anaphylactic shock.”

Good Michael, good lying. It’s better than the truth, more believable.

“We- we thought we were going to lose you and I-” she sniffled, holding back tears in a way that was so unlike their mother. “I thought you were getting better, Sammy. What happened?”

“I-” lie lie lie. “I stopped taking my meds, I didn’t think I needed them,” they said. They could feel their mother brushing her hand through their sweaty matted hair, they couldn’t remember the last time she’s done this. Why was she doing this?

“Sammy do we need to get you a nurse to make sure you take your medicine?” she asked. It wasn’t accusatory or snide like Samuel expected it to be, her voice was filled with genuine concern. That alone was enough to break them. They felt so small in their hospital bed, they felt like a little kid, before all this bullshit started. Before everyone left them.

“No mom, I-” they choked on a sob their voice heavy. “I have a lot to live for.” And she cried too, and it was horrifying. Samuel had never seen her do that before. And in that moment, Samuel realized something, a little known fact in the universe, if your mom starts crying, no matter what, you cry too. She wrapped her arms around them, engulfing them in her expensive perfume and Samuel couldn’t help but sob into her shoulder. They felt so broken, so tiny and they couldn’t remember the last time they’ve ever hugged their mother but it was warm and comforting and something they’ve never experience in recent memory.

She was saying something, about what a terrible mother she’s been and how she’ll never let this happen ever again but Samuel could barely keep up, exhausted from crying and the drugs pumped into their veins by IVs. They fell asleep in their mother’s arms.

When they next woke up, they were by themself, the ceiling lights were turned down low, leaving the room in a dim sort of aether, the feeling of waking up from a nap at sunset, completely disoriented. Samuel called out into the empty room.

“Jeremy?”

They didn’t receive a response, not even the tingling sensation that someone heard them.

They went back to sleep.