Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kiryu turned over in his bed. Sleepless nights were common lately. He flung his arm from the bed to the night stand and lifted his alarm clock to his face.
3:42
He set it down and rolled back over. He’d been trying to sleep since sometime around midnight. No, earlier, actually. He anticipated another bout of insomnia so he climbed into bed at 11. He groaned and threw an arm over his face. He felt like shit.
He could feel his guts twist as the same thoughts came around to haunt him.

............... + ..................

“What do you mean you’ve never kissed a girl?!” Nishiki half yelled half whispered. It was lights out at sunshine, but this was an important matter teenage boys had to discuss. Immediately.
“I don’t know how to, so I’ve never tried,” Kiryu admitted. He’d never felt like he really wanted to either.
Nishiki pouted. “I’ll teach you, but you better not think I’m making things weird.” He whispered, smile moonlit, “Kiss me how you would kiss a girl. I’ll tell you what to do.”
Kiryu obeyed every command, every critique. He never forgot a single thing he learned that night.

——————————————————————————————————

He hated when Nishiki cried. It was pretty often, unfortunately. There wasn’t much you could do to stop him either; he mistook an offer of comfort for pity most times. Tonight it was different. Kiryu held Nishiki in his arms, scooped him up almost as soon as Kazama was out of sight. If he was honest, he’d shed a few tears too.
They no longer had a plan for their future; their dreams were denied.
Through his sobs, Nishiki croaked “are we really that useless?”
Kiryu clutched Nishiki closer.
Nishiki threw his arms around Kiryu, finally answering.
“Of course not.”

——————————————————————————————————

Nishiki grinned and leaned forward. “You ready, bro?”
Kiryu made a throaty noise of disapproval but followed Nishiki inside the restaurant. It was Nishiki’s professional opinion that they both needed to have women flock to them in droves. Kiryu was relectant, so Nishiki had coaxed him into this double date of sorts.
They sat across from the girls; Nishiki, being the charmer he was, did most of the talking. Kiryu sat silent and stoic.
Nishiki noticed his discomfort and put a hand behind and around Kiryu, settling on his waist.
Kiryu closed his eyes briefly and breathed. He’d be okay.

——————————————————————————————————

“Kiryu, come on. It’s not that bad.”
Kiryu glared over his shoulder at Nishiki who was grinning mischievously at Kiryu’s reflection.
“You don’t have to have such an attitude,” he chided, jokingly. He approached behind Kiryu and snaked his arms around to undo the top few buttons of Kiryu’s shirt. “See? Now you look mysterious and dashing.” Nishiki laughed, admiring himself in the mirror. “If I were a lady, fuck...“
“Yeah?”
“Ten thousand percent.” Nishiki mock-fainted, leaning on Kiryu’s shoulder. “Oh, Mr.Kiryu, sir. Please, won’t you consider,” he breathed, brushing his fingers across Kiryu’s collarbone “....introducing yourself?”
“Very funny.”

——————————————————————————————————

He fucking hated it when Nishiki cried! This time he had no one to blame but himself; the tears were a product of his own piss-poor decisions. Kiryu thought on Nishiki’s words. Which, he reminded himself, he stupidly admitted to reciprocating.
They were nothing without each other? Life was empty, meaningless, if they weren’t together?
Nishiki would rather have Kiryu die by his hand than know he was suffering, alive, just our of reach. He didn’t deserve this. He deserved better than Kiryu could give him. He deserved security, safety, warmth...
It would probably be best if they never spoke again.

——————————————————————————————————

Nishiki lay in the family office, across three chairs he had set up in a row. He wanted to go out for drinks, but Kiryu wasn’t back from whatever job he had that day.
When Kiryu did show up, Nishiki was asleep. His hair was sprawled out like a pile of squid in the market, and his body was similarly limp.
Not wanting to disturb him, Kiryu sat on the floor, leaning up against the protruding seat of the middle chair.
He closed his eyes and focused on the sound of Nishiki’s breathing. Life could be so simple like this.

——————————————————————————————————

Nishiki hiccuped. Unbeknownst to him, he had an order of behaviors when he got drunk. First was the singing. It could be anything, even a commercial jingle. Then he’d get giggly. He’d laugh and lean on the nearest person while doing it. This led to the last thing, which was his tendency to force people to touch him. It was also when he usually got sent home. This time, Kiryu took him. He tucked Nishiki into bed and said a quiet goodnight.
“Kiryu?”
“Yeah?”
“Hold me,” he slurred. “Juss for a lil while. I hate bein alone.”
Kiryu, sighing, conceded.

............... + ..................

Kiryu inhaled forcefully through his nose. His chest felt tight and his lungs felt full, but his head was spinning. Seems he won’t be sleeping at all.
He stood, legs shaking beneath him, as he gasped for air. Every muscle in his body tensed, and soon began to quake as his legs did.

This was the third time this ever happened to him, he noted. The first time, a few months ago, he visited a doctor employed by the Dojima family.
——————————————————————————————————
“It’s just anxiety,” the doctor told him. “We see it a lot in your line of work. It’s usually a form of post-traumatic stress stemming from a life-threatening incident.” He scribbled something onto a scrap of paper and handed it to Kiryu. “There’s not much I can do to help you, but if you go to this address and schedule an appointment, a therapist is more able work out what can be done.”
——————————————————————————————————
Kiryu stared at the small piece of paper. He had kept it as a bookmark, but that was all. He never went to see a therapist. He found the idea ridiculous. It was now, at four in the morning, while he stood shaking, trying to brew a cup of tea, that he was considering it.

He carried his tea toward the table and set it down, reaching for his phone. He dialed, then used his dialing hand to pick his tea back up while his other gripped the phone.
It began to ring, and Kiryu decided it was best he put the tea down; he was too shaky. Instead, he began coiling the phone wire around his fingers.

“Hello?” The voice on the other end answered, tired and confused.
“Oh, I-I didn’t think you’d be awake,” Kiryu stuttered.
“Bro? That you?”
Kiryu just huffed into the receiver.
“You okay? What’s going on?”
Kiryus jaw clenched. If he loosened it any, his teeth would chatter. “I’m fine,” he managed, through grit teeth.
“You don’t sound okay and—what time is it?” There was noise on Nishiki’s end. Kiryu imagined it was him rifling through his things for a watch.
“4 am.”
“Why are you awake?” Nishiki asked. There were clear pangs of worry in his voice.
“Why are you?” Kiryu echoed, teeth still pressed together.
“I’m awake because my phone was ringing,” he responded, incredulously. “What’s going on, Kiryu?”
Kiryu paused and thought about all the things he could say to answer that. “I think I need to go to therapy,” he stated flatly.
He heard Nishiki sputter and wheeze. “Wh-Why? You’re not okay, are you? Wait, don’t go anywhere. I’m coming over.”
“No, don’t.”
“I’m serious, don’t you DARE go anywhere, okay? I’m leaving now. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“But-“
Click

He didn’t know what he expected to get out of calling Nishiki. Ok, well, he expected Nishiki not to answer. That would have been best, he thought. He wanted the universe and his stupid brain to acknowledge his attempt to talk to Nishiki, but the attempt be in vain because it was four in the fucking morning!
He scooted the phone aside with all the energy he had left. It was supposed to be an angry shove but it looked like a drunken fumble. He groaned and went back to sipping at his tea. He tried to count through his inhales and exhales. He didn’t need to be a fucking wreck when Nishiki showed up.

Knock knock

But it was too late to fix that now, he supposed. He clamored to the door and opened it.
“Kiryu,” Nishiki wheezed. “What happened?” He pushed past Kiryu to take his shoes and coat off. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, just some maroon silky pajama pants. He really did rush to leave his apartment.
“N-nothing,” Kiryu responded. It was the truth, he thought. He just wanted to sleep, and yet here he was.
Nishiki nodded toward Kiryu’s tea on the table. “Do you need anything else? I’m gonna make myself coffee.” Nishiki dug through drawers and cabinets to find a small jar of instant coffee. It’d have to do.
Kiryu grunted weakly and sat with his tea, trying again to calm his breaths.
Nishiki boiled his water in silence, listening to Kiryu’s labored breathing.
Never in his life had he seen Kiryu like this. He supposed this was on account of never emoting. If this was any less of a bad time, Nishiki might tell Kiryu to make fun of him now for crying so much. At least he doesn’t bottle it up until he breaks down like SOME people. He stirred some granules of coffee into a small cup of hot water and sat himself at the table across from Kiryu.
Yes, as much as he’d like to make fun of him, that was the last thing he needed, being vulnerable for once in his life.

“Ok,” Nishiki began, watching Kiryu stare into his tea. “Walk me through it. What made you get up at 4am?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
Nishiki’s brows furrowed as he took a sip from his own cup. “How long have you been like this?”
Kiryu considered when it began. He was still in bed, with a will to sleep. He had just thought about....right.
“I don’t know. Twenty, twenty five minutes?”
Nishiki clicked his tongue. “You think there was any reason? Like a bad dream kinda thing?”
Kiryu grimaced, never looking up from the table. If he really thought about it, and he did, then he could put two and two together. He got this way after sitting up in a cold sweat thinking about Nishiki.
Here, now, Nishiki was a comfort. Already, Kiryu felt a little more relaxed, less tense. His shaking was less violent. But in the early morning hours, reminded of all the times he’d enjoyed Nishiki’s company a little more than platonically...
“Your face says yes, but your mouth says nothing,” Nishiki interrupted. “Is it really painful, Bro? Do you have dreams about fighting Dojima’s guys?” Nishiki shifted and cleared his throat. Normally he could talk about his emotions freely, but somehow with Kiryu clammed up it was...awkward. “I have nightmares about that still sometimes,” he admitted. “Scares the shit out of me. I wake up heaving and sweating. Sometimes I wake up yelling.” Nishiki scooted himself around the table to be sitting next to Kiryu. He turned and faced him. “I mean, you know me, I get freaked out a lot easier than you do, but it’s still okay to get like this sometimes.” Nishiki considered his words again. “Has this happened to you before tonight?”
Kiryu nodded.
“Okay.....well, if I happens a lot, then maybe a therapist is a smart choice. You look like you’re suffering bro, and that’s....not healthy?”
Kiryu said nothing, still glaring at the table.
“Talking about it can help you feel better, you know. Even if it’s just to me. I’m no therapist, but I can still listen.”
Kiryus jaw tensed momentarily.
“It’s okay, I promise,” Nishiki put a hand on Kiryu’s shoulder and shook him gently for emphasis. “I’m here for you, man. What keeps you awake at night?”
Kiryu scoffed. Maybe it was more of a sniffle, but he’d never admit that. He didn’t want to lie to Nishiki, but he didn’t want to tell him the whole truth, either.
“I,” Kiryu choked out, “I can’t lose you.”
Nishikis face twisted into one of horror and worry. Eyes wide, he could feel them well up before pulling Kiryu into the tightest hug he imagine he could ever give.
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Nothing’s gonna happen to me, bro.” Nishiki began to cry, despite his best efforts to keep it in. “I’m here, I’m here, I’m here,” he repeated through his tears, squeezing Kiryu tightly. Nishiki felt, from personal experience, that when you’re worried about someone this is the kind of comfort you wanted. He remembered how devastated he was when Kiryu alienated him.

Kiryu, on one hand, wanted to cry with Nishiki. He felt like dog shit right now. On the other hand, though, he felt wrong coveting this moment as anything more than platonic.
He had to tell him. For both of their sakes, he had to.
Set in his conviction, he still felt like dog shit.
So he cried. He nestled his head in the crook of Nishiki’s neck and cried.
Nishiki felt Kiryus tears hit his collarbone. They pooled and dripped down his chest. He couldn’t remember a time where Kiryu ever really cried. Maybe he shed a few tears, sobbed for a second, or sniffled and pouted for a while. He never, NEVER, full-force bawled.

Nishiki calmed his own gross sobbing and began humming. There was no tune in particular, he just hummed. He started to rub Kiryu’s back as a comforting gesture but Kiryu peeled himself from Nishiki in the same moment.
“Don’t,” Kiryu started, scooting away from Nishiki.
Nishiki sighed through a trembling smile. “It’s okay, really! There’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s okay to cry,” Nishiki assured him, reaching out for his arm.
Kiryu pulled back again. “No,” he said. “I need you to listen.” Kiryu exhaled shakily. “You can’t say anything until I’m done.”
Nishiki nodded earnestly and settled himself, sitting politely.
Kiryu breathed again. This was it, a confession at least half a decade in the making. He looked Nishiki in the eyes for the first time that night and regretted doing so right before he spoke the truth. Nishiki has always been unreasonably kind to him.
“I,” he began, “I...”
Nishiki nodded attentively and smiled warmly. He watched Kiryu fight his conscience for the words he wanted to say.
“Damn it, Nishiki.”
Nishiki opened his mouth to ask, but closed it again as Kiryu continued.
“No,” he corrected. “this isn’t about you. I’m sorry. This is about me.” Again, he drew in a deep breath. “I l-well, I think I lo—you see, this thing is, for years I...”
He cleared his throat. He was never good with words.
He leaned forward and lifted Nishiki’s chin slightly to kiss him. Their lips brushed each other for a fleeting moment before Kiryu dropped his hand and leaned back into his own space, defeated. He couldnt even bring himself to kiss him. Fucking coward.

Nishiki may not be the smartest, but at this point even he knew where Kiryu was trying to take this. Problem was, he didn’t know if should drag It from Kiryu or wait until he comes to a more definite conclusion. He maybe never get there. Maybe the ghost of a kiss was supposed to be enough for Nishiki to take the reigns. He had no idea. Instead, like a dumbass, he just raised a hand to his mouth, fingers pressed to his lips where Kiryu brushed them.

“Nishiki, I haven’t told you the truth,” Kiryu blurted, finally. “I was couldn’t sleep...haven’t been able to sleep for days. I keep thinking about you. When we were teenagers and you taught me how to kiss. When we held each other, crying, because Kazama told us we would never be yakuza. When you took me on dates with you....anytime you would put an arm around me. When you’d take me out shopping for clothes and tell me how good I look to you. When I-when...” Kiryu coughed once, thinly veiling a sniffle. “When I left you in the forest, when we agreed we were nothing without each other. When I saw you, working, asleep, drunk. When I saw you and I thought about how easy my life would seem with you by my side.” Kiryu paused for a breath but didn’t look up. “When you ask me to be with you....just last week, you were drunk, and I don’t know if you remember but—“
“I asked you to stay with me.”
“And I did. I held you and I know it was wrong but I imagined that that was our every night...”
Kiryu looked up then at Nishiki, whose tears were silently streaming down his cheeks again.
“I think about you every night and I can’t sleep because you don’t know about it.” Kiryu rubbed a wrist across his nose. “Now you do.”

Nishiki waited a few seconds, in case Kiryu had more, but waiting in silence made each of his quiet heaves grow in capacity until he could stay silent no longer. He kept crying as he looked up at Kiryu and shook his head.
“H-how could you not tell me?” He wheezed. “You went on this whole time suffering a-and torturing yourse-elf over it b-because you didn’t wanna upset me?” Nishiki let out a few more sobs. “I could never, EVER, hate you, Kiryu. Never.” He rubbed at his eyes and cleared his throat, choking back his tears again. “Kiryu, it’s my turn to tell you truth.”
Kiryu braced himself for what Nishiki was about to say. Some sort of sugar coated rejection, he assumed, would be in the mix. Still, he was relieved on some level that Nishiki was willing to keep putting up with him.
“I have never cared more about anyone ever in my life than I care about you. I dunno what that means, but it sure isn’t nothing. I told you once already, I can’t imagine life without you.” He stopped to measure Kiryu’s reaction, but he was set back to his neutral stoicism.
“If...if you’re okay with it,” he began again, unsure if even he was ready to finish his statement, “I wanna try. I wanna try to be with you.” Nishikis eyes dropped to his lap. “I never imagined myself with anyone before. I’ve never wanted to go to someone else with my problems. I never wanna drink with anyone else. I’ve never wanted to make someone happy so badly. I...I guess.....it might be....I mean, I always thought when the right person came along I’d feel it. Maybe they’ve been here all along.” Nishiki looked again at Kiryu who was now staring into Nishiki’s eyes, brows drawn together further than usual. “I want to try, please.”
Kiryu gave Nishiki a look of betrayal, like he was joking.
“Please, Kiryu, please,” he begged, “kiss me. I want you to.”

Kiryu considered for a moment the possibility Nishiki really did want this before leaning forward and pressing his lips to Nishiki’s. The moment he did he felt his heart jump out of his chest and keep walking. His ears were ringing and his breathing quickened again.
Nishiki nipped at Kiryus lower lip experimentally. Kiryus mouth opened with a pant.
Nishiki pulled away with a giggle. “I liked that,” he breathed. “Tomorrow,” he added with a yawn “tomorrow, I have a lot of stuff I wanna try.” He stood and held out a hand to Kiryu, leading them to Kiryu’s bed. “But tonight, hold me. You know I hate being alone.”