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Killua wonders when that line between them first appeared. He’s sitting on a wide couch, the light of the many candles positioned around the room glazing the walls. A massive kitchen is visible from beyond the living room, home to many counters and stoves. The sight of the kitchen causes a ripple of pain to course through him. He and Gon always used to play in kitchens. We’re older now, he thinks quickly. It’s...even if he was here, we wouldn’t do that anymore! Sighing, he gets up, tucking his hands into his pockets.
“Big brother!” Alluka says. “What’s for dinner?”
Alluka’s voice slices through his internal torment like a knife, freeing him momentarily from the cycle of thoughts that have plagued him for about a year. His chest tightens for a second as he turns just in time to see his sister standing there, those big blue eyes of hers wide. Killua softens at the sight of Alluka.
“Alluka,” he says softly. “Your hair’s getting long again! Want me to cut it?”
“Big brother…”
“Eh? Is there something wrong?”
Ah, crap.
“Why do you always look so sad?” Alluka asks with a tilt of her head.
The seemingly innocent question hits him like a blow to the head. Killua is dazed, finding himself struggling to form words. It was startling how smart Alluka was at such a young age. He’s made sure to hide his pain from her, even if it feels wrong to do so. Finally having control over himself, he closes the gap between them, pulling Alluka into an embrace. Her entire body smells like strawberries.
“Alluka,” he says as he pulls away. “You don’t have to worry about me. Are you happy?”
Alluka just stares at him for a moment before she nods.
“Good,” Killua says. “Come on, let’s go see Bisky.”
“Aww! I don’t wanna.”
Killua pokes her gently in the forehead. “You’ve been cooped up in this room for a few days. It’s time to get some fresh air.”
Bisky should be looking into what I sensed before… The thought of the disturbance suddenly makes his previous worries feel insignificant in comparison. Alluka’s safety is his priority. The promise he made to Nanika a year ago surfaces in his mind. Protect. He promised to protect them both.
“Big brother,” Alluka says. “When we get back, let’s play!”
Killua laughs. It hurts to do so.
“Sure,” he says with a smile as he ruffles his sister’s hair.
Alluka tosses her arms into the air with a cheer. “I’ll go get ready, then.”
Killua watches her rush towards her room door, that smile hurting the edges of his lips. It hurts to lie to Alluka. He knows that it’s very likely that they’ll have to move again. A knock at the door draws his eye. I didn’t order any room service… He approaches the door slowly, peeking out the peephole. A little girl with golden hair is present, dressed in a dark suit and tie. The old hag cleans up well…
Killua opens the door.
“Geez,” he says. “We were just about to come to you, you old hag.”
Bisky’s eyes narrow into slits. For a second, he’s certain she’s going to hit him in some way. The hunter relaxes.
“I’ll let that slide,” Bisky says. “And I told you before, didn’t I? You had three days to do what I wanted you to, and yet you haven’t made any progress. Besides, what do you hope to accomplish by playing babysitter to your sister?”
“Alluka is—”
Bisky raises a hand. “Yes, I know the situation with your family. I already offered to aid you in any way I could. You declined. So, I don’t want to hear it.”
“Did you come all the way up to this floor to harass me, you stupid hag?”
Pain smears his left cheek; Bisky lowers her hand, huffing.
“No,” Bisky says. “I came because there’s been a lead from my source. You may want to move again.”
“But we just got here!”
“Illumi’s going to keep chasing you, you know. Guys like that won’t stop until they have what they want.”
Killua considers her words. Bisky had offered to provide him and Alluka protection on more than one condition, but he knew what that meant. Alluka would have to be watched constantly by members of the Hunter Association. Putting his sister through that is something he’d rather avoid, so he’s always declined Bisky’s offer to help them.
“Fine, all right,” he says. “Can you at least throw him off our trail for a little bit? I...suggested Alluka and I go out to meet you. Alluka won’t talk to me for a while if I disappoint her.”
Of course, he thinks, that’s better than the alternative…
“Kurapika’s still a day’s distance away,” Bisky says. “Not like we could rely on him much, anyway. But, the nearest town is about an hour or two away. Killua. You didn’t answer me before. What do you really want? You know he wouldn’t want this.”
Killua shakes like a leaf at Bisky’s words. He fights to control his breathing. Gon is a subject that everyone he knows has decided to avoid bringing up. He always tells them that he’s not a stranger to emotional torment, but nobody ever listens to him. So he stopped bothering a while ago. Way to beat around the bush…. He sighs.
“What Gon would have wanted and what I have to do are two different things, Bisky.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. Why?”
Bisky heaves a sigh. “Nothing. Tell your sister to get ready within five minutes. If we hurry, I can get you two out of here before your brother even notices.”
Killua starts to turn. The press of Bisky’s soft digits against his fingers makes him halt. Breathing ragged, he glances at the fellow hunter, waiting for her to speak.
“Take better care of yourself, will you?” Bisky releases his hand. “I’ll see you downstairs.”
Bisky peels away from him, disappearing around the hall’s corner. Stunned into silence, Killua is reminded of Gon once more.
He knows that it isn’t Alluka’s fault, and he could never bring himself to despise his sister for what she couldn’t do.
But a part of him crumples like a can, robbing him of his ability to breathe. The memories he fights so hard against are trying to advance to the front of his mind.
“Big brother?” Alluka’s voice is soft as velvet and inviting.
Killua puts on that mask again, turning with a smile on his face.
“Let’s go, Alluka,” he says. “I’m okay. I promise.”
Alluka doesn’t look convinced, though the corners of her lips tilt into a small smile.
"‘Kay,” she says at last.
************
When Killua brings Alluka downstairs, he’s shocked to find the hotel lobby bustling with people. The sun’s dying light seeps through the room via large windows that form a prison around the hotel guests. A receptionist waves at him as they pass. A tail of carpet forms a path towards a set of revolving doors. He tells Alluka to walk beside him and not to let go of his hand, no matter what. She obeys for the most part. This is the part of their travelling that he despises. Putting his sister in harm’s way is the one thing he strives to prevent. But sometimes, unknown variables come into the picture, forcing his plans to fall apart.
Bisky falls into step beside them, smiling at Alluka.
Alluka’s eyes are distant and foggy. It’s enough of a distraction that he almost falls apart. Bisky’s presence is calming, somehow, allowing him to keep his composure. He reminds himself that breaking down will stress Alluka out. As they step out the hotel, a part of him starts to whirl to life. If Nanika was still able to come out, that part of him thinks bitterly, this would have been easier. Killua shoves those thoughts down, lifting his gaze from the cars parked in front of the hotel. The sun is a reddish-orange scar in a sky of similar colors. Statues stand tall in a ring around a massive fountain that sits in the center of a field of grass, spraying golden water. Alluka tugs on his hand every now and then, asking about the statues.
“Those were built decades ago,” he says softly.
“Ohhhh,” Alluka replies.
“Killua, Alluka,” Bisky says, voice calm as always. “There’s a driver waiting for you outside the gates.”
“D-driver?” Alluka asks.
“It’s okay,” Killua says quickly. “Driver? You know I don’t let Alluka get in any enclosed spaces unless—”
“It’s someone you know. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t let just anyone transport you.”
“You mean you’re not coming, Bisky?” Alluka says, voice jovial.
“No,” she says. “I’ll see you out of town, but that’s it. Sorry. Kurapika called me earlier. Something about some voyage.”
Voyage? Killua’s brows furrow at that thought. Ah, whatever. I’m sure Kurapika is all right.
“Kurapika’s a blacklist hunter,” Killua recalls. “How’s that going?”
“Better,” Bisky says. “There’s the limo.”
Bisky’s thumb points towards a white limo sitting at the end of the row of parked cars. As usual, Killua tightens his grip on Alluka’s hand, following Bisky down the sidewalk. They reach the limo. That’s when he sees a familiar head of dark hair.
“Get outta town,” he says.
Bisky opens the limo’s passenger door. “He’s been in the area.”
Stupid hag, getting people involved… Killua holds the door open for Alluka. Once she’s inside, he gets in as well. Bah… I hope this doesn’t end up backfiring like the crap that happened in Yorknew City…
“Killua,” Leorio says. “I thought we told you to keep in touch!”
“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I don’t get good reception while on the go.”
The limo’s engine roars to life. Leorio pulls off, leaving the hotel behind. The city’s wide streets are surprisingly clear of traffic.
“So, I guess that guy’s still after you guys, huh,” Leorio says.
“Yeah,” Killua says. “Let’s just get going. The ha—I mean, Bisky filled you in already, right?”
“Sorta,” Leorio says, though he sounds dubious. “We’re going to the nearest train station, right?”
Killua glares at Bisky.
“Yep,” she says. “Don’t worry about the tickets. I already have some.”
Bisky looks at him.
“I’m not saying anything,” he says with a huff.
Bisky flicks his forehead.
“Unappreciative brat,” she says. “A thank you for my efforts would be nice.”
“Hey!” Alluka says. “Don’t hurt big brother!”
“It’s okay, Alluka. It didn’t hurt.”
The rest of the ride is silent. Killua’s heart races as his thoughts wander. The leaves that cling to the branches of the trees that are planted all throughout the city are rich green. It reminds him of Gon. Killua turns his attention away from the window, nails digging into the fabric of his seat. He tells himself to breathe, tries to not think of Gon or the endless pain that he feels.
It doesn’t work.
*************
By the time they board the train, the moon is out. The train is full of passengers, but Bisky was able to get him and Alluka to a part of it that’s devoid of any other passengers. Killua grips his knees, Alluka seated by his side. Her soft blue eyes lift from the pages of her book.
“Big brother,” she says. “You look sad again… Is it because of me?”
“No, Alluka. You could never—”
“Don’t lie to me!”
Alluka’s outburst makes his eyes widen. Like any other adolescent, she had her bouts of anger, but he always saw them as rare.
Killua realizes that this is not one of those times. Alluka has kept this pent up, he realizes, cracks lining the keg that is her emotions until it burst.
“Alluka…” he says, unsure how to handle this.
“It’s all because of...of… Nanika and me that your friend is dead. I couldn’t save him, so you hate me. Everyone hates me. Mom, Dad, our brothers. That’s why we keep having to move, isn’t it? And… if I wasn’t born, maybe our family would be happy.”
Tears flow from his eyes. He wraps his arms around Alluka as he sobs, cursing his weakness and inability to counter his sister’s claims. The reason why hits him like a bullet to the brain. He can’t say anything. Alluka correctly guessed the truth.
“Hey,” he says. “It’s okay. Our family is just...weird. Forget about them. We have each other. I told you and Nanika that I’d protect you. That still stands. So...leave everything to your big brother.”
“Promise me that you won’t hate me,” Alluka says.
“I could never hate you.”
“I love you, big brother.”
“Love you too, Alluka. Now go to sleep.”
“‘Kay.”
Alluka leans on her side, eyes shutting almost immediately.
Killua sighs, wiping his eyes.
Somehow, it feels like crying and listening to Alluka’s words has lifted something off his heart, if only slightly.
Killua turns to look at the starry sky.
For a moment, he swears he sees the face of a boy with spiky hair, sitting right between the many constellations that populate the night sky.