Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Okay bitches, my turn to spin the bottle!” Ashido said as she emerged from the basement, shaking off the shaving cream from her dare. She raced to the circle and kicked the bottle, where it flew around the circle and hit Bakugou in the ankle.

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SPIN IT, DUMBASS!!” Bakugou shrieked, clutching his foot and fighting back the tears.

“Lmao sorry, whatever.” Ashido spun it properly this time, and it landed in front of Mr. Aizawa.

“Oh fuck,” he muttered.

Ashido’s face lit up. “Okay okay okay okay- Aizawa, truth or dare?”

Aizawa threw his head back and let out a dramatic-ass groan. “Fine. Dare.”

Ashido started giggling. She giggled for like a solid twenty seconds. Then she said the dreaded words: “Aizawa. I dare you- to call Miss Joke and ask her out on a date.”

“OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” the entire room started screaming. Sero jumped off the rafters and broke his arm, but he just bandaged it up with his tape and he was gucci.

Aizawa let out a shriek of unbridled agony at the thought of having to call one of the many people who annoyed him. But how could he refuse? It was Truth or Dare, and he had to go through with the dare cuz Todoroki said so. Otherwise he was a bad man who would ruin the sanctity of the game. So he whipped out his phone, and everyone crowded around.

“Oooooh, she’s on speed dial!” everyone shouted.

“No she isn’t, that’s Present Mic’s number!” Shinsou screamed.

“OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Aizawa instantly got all flustered. “He isn’t my booty call!”

“No one said he was your booty call, but go off, I guess,” Kaminari snickered.
“Zkdfjshk- OKAY FINE EVERYONE SHUT UP I’M CALLING FUKUKADO!!” He hid his face in embarrassment and dialed her number. “PUT IT ON SPEAKER, PUT IT ON SPEAKER!!” everyone chanted. It didn’t even ring once before she picked up.

“Well if it isn’t EraserHead!! How you doin, boo?”

Everyone started giggling, and Aizawa shushed them. “Uhh, hello. You sound very nice.” he slapped his forehead. What a dumbass.

“Aww, don’t be so phone-y, I know you can come up with a better pickup line than that!”

Everyone, including Aizawa, burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Oh fuck, she activated her quirk. And since he couldn’t see her, he couldn’t erase it!

“Woah, sounds like you’re having fun! Are you at a party? Can I be a part-y that?”

The room laughed even harder, and started rolling around on the ground. Bakugou stumbled to his feet. “FUCK- HAHAHAHA- FUCKING MOVE, I’M GONNA TINKLE IN MY SHORTS!!!!” he shrieked as he tried to run to the bathroom but ended up crashing into a wall, knocking himself out for like ten minutes.

“HAHAHA- STOP THAT!!” Aizawa shrieked.

“Now why would I do that? It sounds like you guys are having so much pun.”

“I’M CALLING- HAHA- I’M CALLING TO ASK YOU OUT ON A DATE!!!!”

Miss Joke gasped in delight, and to everyone’s relief, they were finally able to stop laughing. They laid on the ground, groaning and sobbing. A few people managed to stand up and wobble over to check on Bakugou.

“Wait, really, Eraser? Are you serious?”

Aizawa took a second to catch his breath. “Yes, I’m serious. Will you please go out with me next Saturday night?”

A horrific pterodactyl shriek came from the other end of the line. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH BITCH YES! OF COURSE I’LL GO OUT WITH YOU ASDKFAJHFLKSAJHFL!!!!!11!!

Aizawa’s hair blew back from the breeze her shrieking created. “Okay, okay! I’ll pick you up at seven!!”

“Sounds great! I hope you’ll live up to your promise, I wouldn’t want to be home a-phone all night!” Mercifully, she didn’t activate her quirk that time. “We can go to the beach and to the park and get ice cream and ride the ferris wheel and the horse tornado and beat up some bad guys and then go back to my house and netflix and chill and then we can go out for brunch the next day and-”

Aizawa hung up. Ashido and the other girls were giggling and squealing, while the boys were crowded around Bakugou, desecrating his face with Sharpie and pouring water on his pants to make it look like he had pissed himself.

“Well, that was awful. I am not picking dare next time,” Aizawa said.

“Join the club,” said Midoriya.

At the sound of fucking Deku’s voice, Bakugou instantly awoke from his coma and catapulted himself forward and started attacking people. Everyone shrieked and started running from him in a big group around the room.

Aizawa threw his phone at the wall. Time to dye his hair and change his number before next Saturday.

---------

Next Saturday at 7pm, Miss Joke opened the door of her apartment to see Aizawa with his hair dyed bright red and wearing a joke store mustache.

“Hillo, I am Shouta’s twin brother, Shita,” he said in a terrible Russian accent. “I am afrayed dat Shouta vill not be able to come tonight because heh had an emergency vith skool.”

“Oh Eraser, cut the bull-shita and come inside!”

He couldn’t take it. He laughed his mustache off. Blood poured from his eyes. Red hair dye dripped down his shoulders, and he fucking died right then and there.

Emi clutched his body and wailed at the sky like she was in some shitty soap opera. “NOOOOOOO!!!! I WAS SO CLOSE!!! WHY DID HE HAVE TO DYE?!!!!”

Chapter Text

Hey, I have one last surprise for you, Todoroki!”

Midoriya ran into the other room and came out with a giant box. He was huffing and puffing as he pushed it.

“Yoooooo, what is that?!” Everybody screeched.

A creepy smile came over Midoriya’s face. “Open it and see.”

Todoroki tried to ignore his creepy expression, and ripped open the package. He kicked the box over, and out fell a statue of Endeavour, arms crossed, glaring stoically ahead.

“BITCH WTF,” everyone screamed. Endeavour was an asshole. How dare Midoriya bring his likeness to this revelry.

“Look closer, you stupid fucks, it’s not a statue!” Midoriya shrieked over the chaos. Everyone looked closer, examining it’d but being too scared to touch. They took in its cardboard appearance, the paper ruffles. It wasn’t until Midoriya brought out a baseball bat that it finally clicked into everyone’s drunken heads.

“PIÑATAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!” Everyone started screeching and jumping around like baboons until a flash of fire silenced everyone. Todoroki stood silently in the middle of the room, head lowered, left arm stretched to the roof. His clothes were still smoking. Everyone just stared at him. Then he raised his head and gave Midoriya a shit-eating grin.

“The birthday bitch goes first.”

Everyone rushed to work. First they found some markers and defaced the piñata, covering it in dicks, blacking out his moustache. Shigaraki ran down to the corner store, stole a bright purple glow in the dark suction dildo, and stuck it to the piñata’s forehead. When it had been defaced to Todoroki’s satisfaction, they used Aizawa’s scarf to attach the fugly abomination to the beam of the main roof.

Everyone cheered as Todoroki stepped up to the plate, giving the bat a few practice swings. Deku lowered the blindfold over his eyes and guided him forward. Todoroki swung violently forward and- POW! Right in the nuts!

“SHOUTO! SHOUTO! SHOUTO! SHOUTO!” The room cheered The dildo waggled violently. He whipped off his blindfold and did a victory lap around the room, high-fiving everyone as he went.

“Okay, who wants to hit the dick bag next?” Shouto shouted, hopped up on adrenaline.

Bakugou shoved his way to the front of the line. “ME NEXT, ME NEXT!!!” He ripped the bat and blindfold out of Todoroki’s hands and started swinging madly.

“Woah, hey, calm down!” Kirishima grabbed Bakugou’s arm. “Let me guide you to where you’re supposed to be.” Placing his hands on Bakugou’s waist, he guided him over to the piñata. “It’s on your left. You’re gonna wanna swing... this way.” He guided his arm up, giving his bicep a squeeze. Under the blindfold, Bakugou’s face was becoming redder than his eyes.

“Oh my god you guys stop being gay and swing!” Kaminari yelled.

“FUCK OFF, PIKACHU!” Bakugou shrieked and swung. Just as the bat was about to make contact with the piñata, Aizawa yanked on his scarf, and the piñata shot to the ceiling. The bat overswung and hit Bakugou in the face. He dropped to the ground like a gay sack of flour.

“Oof, that’s gotta hurt,” everyone said. They just left him there lying on the floor and kept playing.

Midoriya went next. He powered up his quirk and prepared to swing. “Midoriya, no!” Everyone screamed.

“MIDORIYA YES!” He screamed back. He swung, and missed entirely. The bat flew out of his hands and shot through the wall like a bullet. Everyone screamed and ducked out of the way. The bat crashed through three walls and went silent. Everyone followed it outside before coming to a stop in the courtyard. There, embedded in the crotch of a bronze statue of Endeavour, was the bat.

Everyone lost their shit. The fact that it was sticking upwards so it looked like the statue had a boner was even better. Kaminari took a billion pictures and stuck them all on his SnapChat story. Everyone took turns posing. Kirishima actually sat down on the bat and crossed his leggies in a dramatic pose. After Midoriya wrenched the bat out of the statue, they went inside to continue playing.

By the time it was Iida’s turn to step up, the Endeavour piñata was a wreck. One leg was dangling pathetically off of him. His nuts and his face were smashed in, and the top of his head was squashed flat. “IIDA! IIDA! IIDA!” Everyone chanted. “TEAR IT TO SHREDS!!”
“AS CLASS REPRESENTATIVE, I WILL NOT DISAPPOINT!!!!!!” Iida whipped back and swung.

CRACK! The bat collided with the piñata’s midsection, crumpling it in half. It burst apart, and candy- sweet, delicious candy- rained from the sky. A massive skirmish erupted as everyone beat the shit out of each other to get the delicious sugary morsels. Bakugou came to just in time to witness the dildo finally come unsuctioned from Endeavour’s head, sail through the air, end over end, and land with a plop dead center on his face. Bakugou screeched and tried to whip it off, but it was stuck. The dildo flopping around had some heckin good succshion. He got it off eventually, but not before Kaminari got a picture of him for SnapChat with the caption “Squidward crashed the party.”

“Aww, it’s okay, sweetheart.” Kirishima limped over to where he was pouting. He had a black eye and was covered in scratches, but he had a bigger armful of candy than anyone else. That thought made Bakugou puff up with pride. He sat down next to him and took out a stick of Pokky. “Come on, I got candy. Strawberry pokky, your favourite!”

Bakugou cracked opened his maw like a heathen, and Kirishima shook the entire box into his mouth. Delicious.

When everyone was done eating the candy, and patching up their wounds from Birthday Party Skirmish #11, they sold the bronze Endeavour statue on eBay for 69 cents and replaced it with the shredded cardboard piñata. Endeavour was too stupid to know the difference anyway.

What a night.