Chapter Text
Jisung had his first crush in middle school. There was a boy named Donghyuck in his Math class, and every time Jisung saw him smile, he was entranced. He would go out of his way to get Donghyuck to laugh, sometimes even going so far as embarrassing himself just to hear the other boy so much as chuckle. Over time, the two even became friends, which made Jisung happier than he would like to admit. They had a lot of good times, and Jisung’s crush only grew stronger. Unfortunately, they were separated in high school; Donghyuck moved, so they couldn’t go to the same school. Since Jisung didn’t get a cell phone until halfway through his first year of high school, the pair had no easy way to communicate and thus they drifted apart.
Of course, Jisung didn’t realize that the emptiness he felt after Donghyuck left was because of his crush. No, he wouldn’t realize that for another couple years. And when he finally did, he would push it down, lock the thought away in the back of his mind and pretend nothing was wrong.
But the truth was, everything was wrong.
In his third year of high school, Jisung began to realize that he might not be as straight as he once thought he was.
☽
Everyone told him he’d find a girl he liked eventually, but he never did. He had distinct memories of thinking girls were pretty, sure, but he never thought about them in a romantic sense. When his friends would ask about cute girls in his class, he’d just shrug and say they weren’t his type. He finally understood why they weren’t his type a few weeks into the semester.
They had a transfer student, which was already pretty exciting. Jisung didn’t have any classes with the new kid, so he didn’t really care much about him, if he were being honest. Until he saw him on his way to class.
He was easily the most beautiful person Jisung had ever seen. As he passed by the new kid, all he could do was stare. He was lucky enough to catch him in the midst of laughter, his cheeks and nose and eyes all scrunched. There was a glimpse of a mole under his eye, and Jisung didn’t know why, but it was all he could think about. In that moment, Jisung felt his heart skip a beat.
He snapped himself out of his daze, quickly looking around to make sure no one caught him staring. He quickened his pace and made it to class in record time.
From that moment on, he made it a point to avoid the new guy—Hwang Hyunjin, he’d learned a couple days after The Incident as he was calling it—as much as possible. He couldn’t stay away from the gossip that comes with every transfer student, and the amount of times he’d heard girls whispering about Hyunjin was nearly immeasurable, but he didn’t expect to be free from ever hearing his name. As long as he could avoid physically seeing him, he’d be fine. Right?
He was quickly betrayed by his own brain. His dumb, stupid brain that wouldn’t stop thinking about Hyunjin’s dumb face or his stupid cute mole or his adorable laugh. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to be having these sorts of thoughts towards another boy! His heart wasn’t supposed to hurt whenever he thought about him, and he certainly wasn’t supposed to imagine what it would be like to hold his hand. No way, never.
Despite what his parents may have thought, Jisung hadn’t been living under a rock for the past few years; he knew he wasn’t the only one in that situation. He knew gay people existed, and he didn’t mind. But when it came to himself… It was harder to accept. All those years of his parents telling him how he’d make a great husband and father one day, how his future wife would be lucky. He didn’t want to disappoint them. He knew their views on the community, as well; he didn’t expect them to support him. If he were gay, he’d be a failure of a son.
So, he locked it away. He took all of his thoughts about Hyunjin and crammed them into the same mental safe that his crush on Donghyuck lived in. Anytime he felt any sort of feeling towards another guy, he’d think of the shame and disappointment that would surely reside on his parents’ faces, and shoved those feelings into the box.
“It’s easier this way,” he’d tell himself. He knew it was a lie.
☽
As it turned out, it was easy enough to avoid his feelings during his junior year; he and Hyunjin were never forced to be in the same area, really, so Jisung could just avoid him. He figured he’d do the same throughout their final year, too, and then he’d never have to see Hyunjin again. But, of course, fate had different plans.
The second he walked into his third class on the first day of his senior year, he saw Hwang Hyunjin. Sitting there, staring at him. Why is he staring at me? Jisung wondered, before he realized that he, too, was staring. He quickly averted his gaze and sat in the seat farthest from Hyunjin.
Of the eight classes he had total, Hyunjin was in three, effectively foiling Jisung’s ingenious plans to pretend he didn’t exist. And, as the year went on, he realized it was probably better not to avoid him. He hadn’t realized it before, but trying to work around seeing Hyunjin took a lot out of him. He also felt bad during those few precious times in which Hyunjin had noticed him and had sent him a friendly smile, only for Jisung to completely ignore his existence.
Besides that, there’s also a sense of guilt and defeat that’s been weighing him down ever since he decided to reject such a big part of himself. It’s a different type of guilt that what he felt at first, though; in the beginning, he felt guilty because he thought he was a disappointment to his parents. Now, though, he felt guilty towards himself. He deserved to be happy, he deserved to be able to be who he was. He’d read several articles on the LGBTQ+ community since he realized he was probably gay, and they’d really helped him feel a bit better about himself. He still wasn’t confident in telling other people, but sometimes he’d let himself imagine his future with a husband, rather than a wife. He wouldn’t get so jumpy if he found a guy attractive. He was getting there.
Jisung actually even managed to talk to Hyunjin a few times without being so embarrassed by his own thoughts. Hyunjin was actually really nice, he learned, and he wished he’d had the chance to befriend him before the year ended. But Jisung was still afraid, and he let his fear get the best of him. He stuck to his own small friend group right up until his graduation.
On their graduation day, Jisung made sure to give Hyunjin one last goodbye. They were acquaintances at best, but Hyunjin still wished him the best and gave him a hug. Jisung tried not to let it go to his head.
After the celebrations were over and Jisung finally had some time to himself and to gather his thoughts, he made a promise with himself: he would be more open in college. At that point, he had accepted himself for who he was, had accepted that he was gay and nothing would change that, but he was still afraid of how others would react. But he’d noticed that the college he would be attending had an LGBTQ+ club, so he hoped that if he could gather the courage to join, he’d find other people like him, who would accept him. Maybe he could finally be out and proud, and the weight he’d been carrying would be lifted.
He had high hopes for the future, and he was determined to let himself be himself, wholly, for the first time.