Archive of Our Own ^beta

               “Kunihiro, can we have sex?”

               Horikawa nearly choked on his ramen when Kane-san asked him this question.  “How… how do you know about sex?”

               “Of course I know about sex!  Any cool and popular sword knows about it!”

               “Oh, Kane-san… can we talk about this later?  And don’t bring that up in the dining hall, okay?  The tantou are around.”

               “Eh, but weren’t they kept by bedsides?  Sex happens in bed, right?”

               Kane-san clearly knew less about sex than he thought he knew, causing a sigh of relief from Horikawa.  “Kane-san, please, not now.”  How the hell had he heard about this?  Horikawa, for his part, owned no porn.  There was no shunga in the citadel as far as he knew, so he couldn’t have found out from art.  For that matter, how had he even heard the term?  Who had told him?

               Whoever it was, they would have hell to pay tonight.

               The most obvious suspects were Okita’s swords.  The two constantly teased each other, Kane-san, and occasionally even Horikawa himself.  They were good people, he knew, but they were just ribald enough to consider joking about sex with each other.  Indeed, as Horikawa approached their room it sounded like that was exactly what they were doing.

               “Just know this: my dango’s not the only thing you’re going to have shoved into your mouth by the time the ni—”

               Horikawa cleared his throat.  “Yamatonokami?  Kashuu?  I need to talk to you.  Alone.”  He opened the shoji to find a horrible sight: Yamatonokami Yasusada was on his knees in front of Kashuu’s crotch.  It was hard for him to repress a scream.

               “Oh, Horikawa, hi…”  Unease penetrated his voice.  “What do you want?”

               His heart pounded as he answered, “I need to talk to the two of you.”

               Kashuu rolled his eyes.  “Can this be done later?  We were—”

               “This can’t be done later.”

               “Fine, fine.”  He looked down at Yamatonokami.  “Later.”

               He nodded and got up.  “Here’s your lipstick, by the way.”

               “Thanks.”

               Once Horikawa had entered he turned around and asked, “What’s going on?”  Horikawa could swear his lips looked pinker than usual.  When he looked at Kashuu he could see that his lipstick was less vibrant than usual.  Had they been kissing earlier or something?

               “Why did you guys tell Kane-san what sex is?  Do you know how much—”

               “Wait, Kanesada knows what sex is?”  Yamatonokami looked at Kashuu.  “Did you tell him?”

               “No!  You probably did though.”

               “I did not!”

               Horikawa cleared his throat again.  “From what I’ve heard you two know what sex is.”

               “Um… duh?” Kashuu asked.

               “Okita-kun had plenty of it.  Of course we’d know.”

               Another mention of Okita, as Horikawa had dreaded.  However, it had brought up the valid point that Hijikata had had his share of prostitutes.  Had Kane-san remembered those?  Had he even been brought along?  For that matter, had either of Okita’s uchigatana been brought along when Okita was sleeping with someone?  “Of course… but why would you tell him?  He’s still innocent!  I’m going to have to explain so much awkward stuff to him because—"

               “We told you; neither of us told him,” Kashuu answered.

               “We’re as surprised as you are,” Yamatonokami added.

               “You… ugh, then who could it have been?”

               “Hmm… well, everyone knows about Kikkou Sadamune’s… uh… secret.  Maybe try talking to him?”  Yamatonokami answered.

               “Don’t forget Nikkari Aoe, that perv.”

               He still wasn’t convinced that the two swords in front of him were innocent, but at least they had some decent suggestions.  “Alright, but I still don’t—”

               “I swear, we didn’t do it!”

               “Fine, fine.  I’ll see you guys later, okay?”

               “Good luck!” the pair answered; as Horikawa exited the room and slid the shoji shut behind him he could swore he heard Kashuu say, “Now that he’s gone, let’s get down to business…”

               It was true: everyone in the citadel, Horikawa included, knew that Kikkou liked to be tied up.  He was discreet about it, since he seemed to have some sense of decency, but everyone still understood that he wanted to be sexually dominated by their master.  This made him Horikawa’s next target; although it did seem unlikely it was entirely possible that Kikkou had tried to explain the subject to Kane-san in his usual nice, cheerful manner.  It was with this thought that Horikawa knocked on the frame of the shoji.  He got no response.  Seeing light peeking through the cracks between the floor and the shoji, he knocked again.  “Kikkou?  It’s Horikawa.  I wanted to ask you a question.”

               “Oh, come in.”

               Horikawa entered to find Kikkou shirtless and ropeless; he was holding a thick white substance.  “Ah, sorry if I was interr—”

               “No, no, it’s just lotion.”

               Horikawa noticed a red mark on Kikkou’s side and remembered that rope burn was a thing that could happen.  “I see.  I wanted to ask you a question.  See, Kane-san found out something that you know a lot about, so I was wondering if… maybe… uh… you had told him.”  He was unable to look Kikkou in the eye; instead he looked around the room, noticing a full bookshelf.  There was a book on his futon as well, the title implying that it was about exactly what Horikawa expected: rope bondage.

               “Oh, bondage?  No, no one asks me questions about that.”  He grinned.  “Are you curious, Horikawa?”

               “Er… no, but thanks.  I mean sex.  Kane-san found out about sex somehow and I’ve never told him.  I didn’t want his innocence ruined or anything…”

               “No, I didn’t.  I never see him outside of meals, actually.  Maybe try talking to Master.  Maybe they explained it to him.”

               The mention of their master didn’t surprise Horikawa in the least.  “I’ll do that in the morning.  Thank you.”

               “Of course!  And if you’d like any knowledge about bondage, feel free to come and ask, okay?”

               That did not seem like something Horikawa wanted; he wasn’t about to be so blunt, however, because that would be rude.  “Thank you.  Have a good night.”  On that note he left.

               Nikkari Aoe seemed like an obvious perpetrator, now that Horikawa thought about it.  His constant dirty jokes showed he wasn’t afraid of talking about such things and if Kane-san came asking, or maybe if he hadn’t…  A little shudder went down his spine.  He needed to get to the bottom of this quickly.  Fortunately, the room he shared with his brother was close to Kikkou’s room, making the trip short.  He knocked on the frame of the shoji, hoping that Juzumaru wasn’t there too.

               Nikkari’s voice rang out from the other side of the shoji.  “Oh?  It seems I have a visitor.  Who is it?”

               “It’s Horikawa.  I wanted to talk to you about something.”

               “Come in.  I was just in the middle of polishing my and my brother’s golden balls.”

               Horikawa’s jaw dropped.  There was no way he would be that shameless, was there?  The thought alone was appalling.  He slid the shoji open and found something mildly more comforting: four pieces of gold armor laid out on Nikkari’s futon, a fifth one in his left hand; his right hand was holding a   cloth.  “Sorry to interrupt…”

               “No, no, I was just finishing.”  Nikkari set the piece of armor down and turned around; Horikawa could swear that the positioning of the pieces of armor was in the shape of a penis.  “What is it?”

               “Er, Kane-san found out about something you like to joke about and I was wondering if you had anything to do with it.”

               “Really?  What did he find out about?”  There was a gleam in his eye.

               “He found out… uh, what sex is.  I don’t know how much he knows but—”

               “You seem quite angry about this.”

               “I wanted Kane-san to stay innocent about adult matters!  He’s too young!”

               “He’s more than three hundred years old.”

               “That’s young!”

               “Humans find out about these things when they’re teenagers.  What’s wrong with him knowing at this age?”

               He grumbled.  “Did you tell him?”

               “Alas, I did not.  I wouldn’t dare anger Kasen Kanesada, with his track record for slicing off heads.”

               “And you’re sure you didn’t say anything to him about it?”

               “I haven’t talked to him since we were last paired up for sparring.  That was… oh, about a week ago.”

               “So there’s no way you could have told him.”

               “Correct.”  He turned back to his armor.  “Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to go put Juzumaru’s armor back.”

               “Of course.  Sorry for disturbing you.”

               “Good luck.”

               “Thanks.”  With that he left.  There was only one more person he could ask about the subject right now.  If he didn’t have any answers and Kane-san didn’t tell him he’d have to ask the saniwa in the morning.

               He knocked on the frame of yet another shoji.  “Hello?”

               “Ah, Horikawa.  I was just working on some ikebana.  Come in.”

               Horikawa entered and slid the shoji shut behind him; he noted the ikebana featured orchids, of all things.  Why did it have to be a flower that resembled male genitalia?  “I was wondering if you had talked to Kane-san recently.”

               “Oh, him?  I’m sorry you had to deal with such crass behavior at dinner; he’s never been terribly elegant, but he hit an all-time low this evening.”

               “Mm… I was wondering, are you the one who told him about sex?”

               “Me?  Absolutely not; I would have taught him in a far more elegant way.  Perhaps I would have started with poetry, or some shunga.  Certainly not with whatever or whoever he learned from.”

               “Of course.  Do you have any idea who he might have heard it from?  I asked Kikkou and Nikkari, but neither of them had anything to do with it.”

               “Have you talked to your friends?”

               “Yes; they didn’t tell him either.  Kikkou suggested that Master might have done it, but I think they would have approached it differently.”

               “Yes, Master would have a much more elegant approach to these things.”  He smiled.  “Good luck.  Oh, and be sure to tell whoever’s responsible to come and talk to me too.”

               A chill went down his spine.  Whoever was responsible was now in for much worse than just getting yelled at; he noted to not mention any findings to Kasen for the sake of the citadel’s resources and laundry.  “Of course.  Have a nice night… and by the way, your ikebana looks nice.”

               “Thank you, but it’s not quite perfect yet.  Perhaps a cup of tea would help put things in perspective.  Of course, if you’d like to stay you can.”

               “Another time but thank you.”

               “You’re quite welcome.  Best wishes, Horikawa.”

               “Same to you.”  He left, baffled.  His only option now was to talk to Kane-san; as much as he didn’t want to have to explain these things to Kane-san he was also the only hope he had at finding out where he had discovered such things.

               “Kane-san, I’m back!” he said as he walked in.

               “Ah, Kunihiro, you’re usually back first.”

               He slid the shoji shut behind him and sat down on his futon.  “I had some questions for some people, that’s all.”

               “Just like you, Kunihiro!”

               “Yes, and now I have a question for you.”

               “Hm?”

               “How did you learn about… um… sex?”

               “Sex?  I thought I told you; every cool and popular sword knows what sex is!”

               “I never told you anything though.”

               “I keep telling you; I’m a cool and popular sword!”

               “I understand that, Kane-san, I really do… but it really seems like you didn’t know until today.”  After a moment he asked, “So, Kane-san… how does sex work?”

               “Simple!  A guy puts his thing into a guy’s butt and moves back and forth.  Then he pulls out with some sort of white stuff coming out of his hole.  That’s how it works, right?”

               Horikawa sighed; as weird as it was that Kane-san had found out only about gay sex it was more alarming still that he didn’t even know the word “penis”.  “Where’d you find this out?”

               “Oh, the computer!  You can find anything with that thing.  Someone had left something called porn up on the comp—”

               “Someone literally left gay pornography open on one of the public computers?”

               “Yeah.  Great stuff!  Made something weird happen though… my thing got kind of hard.”  After a moment he asked, “Uh, what does ‘gay’ mean, Kunihiro?”

               Horikawa cringed; he had so much to explain now, didn’t he?  “Eh, Kane-san, I have a lot of things to explain to you.  Let’s start with what that ‘thing’ is called, okay?”

               “Sure!”

               “So, guys can do that with girls too?”

               An hour of explaining sex to Kane-san had paid off, it seemed.  “Yes.”

               “Whoa.  Sex is weird.”

               “A little, yeah.  Human bodies are weird.”

               “Yeah… now, Kunihiro.”

               “Yeah?”

               “Have sex with me.”

               “Kane-san, you can’t just say that to people!”

               “Why not?”

               With that, the rest of Horikawa’s night was spent why he couldn’t just tell someone he wanted to have sex with them and how relationships worked.