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You unlocked the door to your house, walking inside, letting out a sigh. You could feel a heavy weight in your chest, and it wasn't just from binding throughout the day. You just felt terrible. Noticing that the lights in the living room and kitchen were on, you put on a fake smile, hoping that Amanda wouldn't notice how you were feeling. You took off your jacket and set it on the coat rack. You heard footsteps coming from the kitchen, so you turned and saw both Amanda and Mat with flour all over them and the aprons that they were wearing. Amanda smiled and held up a bowl of cake batter. "Look what I did Dad! Mat's teaching me one of his recipes for making vanilla cake!"
You nodded, trying to give more life to the smile on your face as you went over to the two and gave them hugs. "That sounds like fun, Manda Panda. How long have you both been working on it?"
Mat pressed a kiss onto your forehead, then looked at the clock above the kitchen sink. "I'd say we've been working on this for... a while."
"But get this Dad," she got a spoon from the utensil drawer, took a scoop of the batter, and held it out to you. "This is the best raw cake batter that I've ever tasted!" You looked at Mat for approval and he gave a nod, so you took the spoon and ate the batter.
Definitely better than your own homemade cake recipe, and you weren't even mad about it.
Well, maybe a tad jealous.
"This tastes great Amanda! You've gotta give me the recipe for this sometime. Oh, I can't wait to see what this tastes like after it's done baking," you said enthusiastically. The cake batter helped to lift your spirits a bit, but both Amanda and Mat could tell that something was wrong.
Before Amanda could say anything, Mat began taking off his apron while saying, "Hey, babe, is it okay if we just hang out for a little bit?" He turned to Amanda as he laid his apron on the counter, "Since I have the rest of the recipe written out already, you can follow it. Let me know if you need any help though, alright?"
Amanda understood what was happening, so she nodded her head. "No problem Mat-Dad!" She began mixing the batter aggressively, passion for baking ever-present in her eyes.
Mat gently rested a hand on your shoulder, whispering, "Wanna go to the room for a bit? I bet you could use a bit of time away from things." You nodded your head, so Mat went with you to your room. Once the door closed, you immediately peeled off your shirt so you could take your binder off. Mat asked with concern written all over his face, "Is your dysphoria acting up again?"
Almost as if you lost your voice, all you could do is nod. You threw on a baggy shirt so you could give your chest a break, then you turned to Mat as you held your arms, slouching and visibly uncomfortable. Mat held out his arms, inviting you for a hug. You immediately buried your head into his chest, feeling his arms wrapping around you. Before you knew it, tears were beginning to fall down your face.
Mat gently stroked your hair, saying softly, "It's alright, you're safe with me Y/N. You've got nothing to hide with me here. Everything is going to be okay. I'm here to listen, okay?" You began to sob, unable to verbalize how grateful you were for him staying with you through these rough patches in your life. Mat leaned his head on yours, guiding the both of you to the bed and sat down. You sat right next to him, your sobs having died down a bit while holding onto one of his hands. Mat rubbed your hand, leaving room for you to speak as you looked down at the floor.
When you were ready, you spoke shakily, "Just... it's so ha-hard not automatically having a f-flat chest to wake up with every morning... and then my v-voice isn't naturally deeper since I haven't been on T... It's too much for me sometimes, a-and... I some-sometimes feel like... I won't be able to actually live out my-my life the way th-that I want." You stopped talking, already feeling yourself getting closer to breaking out into tears again. Mat let go of your hand and instead held your face in his hand.
"Honey, look at me," he softly said. It took a while, but you eventually looked at him. You could see love and concern in his eyes, but something about it made your heart hurt. "Sweetie, I know you're having a hard time, and I can't relate to it at all, but always know that I'll always see you as the man that you are. No matter what it is that you see or hear from yourself or others, you're a man to me. You're so strong. Heck, you're stronger than most of the guys that I know."
Your eyes darted away from him, but a genuine smile crept onto your face. "You... really think that, huh? Thanks... it's just hard for me to really get into my mind sometimes..." When Mat let his hand fall from your face and reach his arm around your shoulder, you leaned onto him, sighing. "Sometimes I want to talk to Damien about this kinda thing, because he knows this stuff, but I get worried about possibly setting him off too. I don't want us both to become dysphoric messes and end up in a worse situation than before, you know?" You put your hands together, looking at them as you messed with them nervously. "Even though I don't go to him for everything... it's so nice being able to talk to you. You know that I struggle, but you also are there to accept me, no matter what."
You felt wet drops fall onto your arm. You turned to see Mat starting to cry. You quickly hugged him, comforting him, "It's alright honey, please don't cry!"
Mat shook his head, wiping his face. "I wish I could do more to help you not feel like this. I know that you have such a hard time with your dysphoria, and just..." He let go of you to put his face in his hands. "I... I want to help you feel better, but it seems so hard."
You nodded, messing with your hands again. "That's what it feels like for me, but a million times worse and like a boulder is trying to crush your body into the ground."
Mat let his hands fall, reaching one out to hold onto one of your own. "Please... promise me that you'll talk to me when you feel low like this. I know it's gotta be hard for you, but I'm always here to listen to you, no matter what. You deserve to vent and let those feelings out. Hell, if there's anything that you want me to do to help you out, I'll do it."
You thought for a moment. "Maybe one of these days, we can go get me some new clothes. I could probably use more of a wardrobe update."
"We'll do that tomorrow. I won't be working that day anyways."
You felt a smile resurfacing. "I could probably use some tips when I try that Boom Your Voice thing that Amanda showed me YouTube. I don't wanna wreck my vocal chords, and since you sing, I feel like you'd know a thing or two about not hurting my voice too much."
"You've got it. Call me up whenever you want to practice, but I'll probably need to watch the video beforehand so I know what I'm doing." Mat planted a kiss on your temple. "Anything else for you, love?"
You shrugged, almost nervous to speak again. It's not that you thought Mat would get mad if you suggested anything else, but your dysphoria with your voice was starting to ramp up again. However, you managed to get yourself to say, "I'm Amanda's Dad, I'm your boyfriend, I've identified as a man for years, and I'll get to where I need to be sometime. I don't know when, but I'll get there." You hugged Mat, saying softly, "I'm... so glad that you're here for me."
Mat hugged you back, covering your forehead with kisses. "I'll always love and support you. I know I sometimes get awkward when I talk with you about my own problems, but I'm always here for you, alright honey?"
"Thanks so much Mat, seriously."
You gave him a long kiss on his lips, grateful for him being a part of your life. Mat kissed back, using his thumb to rub circles on your back to give you more comfort. Once the kiss was broken, you laid on Mat's chest, feeling considerably better about things. The two of you enjoyed the silence as the two of you began to ease up as the minutes passed by. Your eyes began to close, and you slowly got closer and closer to falling asleep.
Right before you could truly fall asleep, Mat broke the silence, softly asking, "Would it be fine if I brought you a piece of cake? I bet you Amanda has the cake ready by now."
Not bothering to open your eyes, all you said was, "Hm?"
Mat smiled, repeating again, "Do you want me to get you a piece of cake?"
You slowly opened your eyes, stretching your back out. "Sure, I could probably use some sugar before I knock out for the night."
You were about to get out of bed, but Mat stopped you. "I'll bring it over to you so you can get some more rest. I bet you could use quite a bit of it."
Considering how much physical effort it would take to get out of bed, go into the kitchen, and settle down onto the couch to eat some cake, then head back into your room to sleep, it would be much better to stay behind. "Alrighty then." You placed a kiss on his cheek. "I love you Mat."
"I love you too Y/N." Mat kissed your cheek in return and got up from the bed, leaving to bring you back some cake.
Mat is the best man I've ever met.