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“You’re up late,” Hermann said, entering the lab. It was more a question than a comment, leaving the air open for Newt to respond.
Newt looked up from the disarray of papers scattered across his desk. He threw his pen down apathetically and twirled his chair around to face Hermann, who was approaching with a cup of tea. “Ahh well, these papers aren’t gonna procrastinate on themselves you know,” Newt said with a stretch and a yawn.
Hermann handed him the tea, then sat on the couch near Newt’s desk. “It’s three in the morning. Maybe it’s time for a break then, yes?” he offered easily, patting the cushion next to him. Agreeable to the idea of calling it a night on such tedious work, Newt plopped down next to Hermann. He sipped on his tea as he settled in.
“Ahem,” Hermann cleared his throat, awkwardly. “Newton, I’ve ah… I have something quite serious to ask you, if you don’t mind a moment of candidness.” He fidgeted with the handle of his cane, keeping his gaze forward.
Newt paused mid-sip and glanced to his side, trying to gauge Hermann’s facial expression without seeming obvious. It was probably no secret the way Newt felt about him, but the two had never addressed it directly. Or indirectly. Or at all. He wondered if Hermann had finally decided it was time to discuss what they really were to each other underneath all the bickering and rivalry that sat heavy on top of years of silence. The thought made him nervous. They’d only recently achieved a more amicable working relationship, and Newt definitely didn’t want to mess that up. He told himself not to get his hopes up, but he couldn’t help a momentary daydream about Hermann confessing his own unrequited love.
But of course that probably wasn’t what Hermann wanted to talk about, and Newt knew it. He put the idea out of his head as best he could. “What is it, bud? Ask away.”
“Do you…” Hermann started, then trailed off. He gripped the handle of his cane tightly, making an effort to speak his mind. “Do you think we’ll win?” He turned to look at Newt, face solemn with the weight of the world. “Do you think we’ll come out of this alive?”
Newt wasn’t sure how to respond. This was the first time he had seen Hermann display this kind of uncertainty about the gravity of the war. It sent a small chill down his spine.
“Well,” he replied cautiously, looking Hermann in the eye. He licked his lips and tried to pull words together into a response. “I think we have a shot. I mean, look how far we’ve come with understanding the kaiju, the Breach, Jaeger technology. All of it. Yeah, I think humanity’s gonna make it.”
Hermann didn’t respond at first, just slowly blinked his long lashes in silent acceptance. Newt thought he was frustratingly enigmatic at times. It made it so he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to comfort Hermann. He wanted to assure him that the world’s smartest physicist and most brilliant biologist were on the case, and that together they were going to own this bad boy. But he knew that wasn’t the right tone to take if he wanted Hermann to feel comfortable opening up.
With a long sigh, Hermann leaned back, relaxing against the cushions and letting his cane come to rest against the arm of the sofa. His hands dropped to his sides, knuckles brushing against the back of one of Newt’s hands where it came to rest. Newt pretended not to notice, and hoped the amount his heart was beating wasn’t visible.
“Truly I do believe we are humanity’s best bet. But what if we’re not enough?” Hermann said as if Newt’s words were nothing more than empty placation. “What I mean, Newton, is what happens to you and I? What if we don’t make it?”
The two sat there in silence, Hermann’s words hanging in the air. Newt felt the quietness hovering around them the way it does in the middle of the night long before the sun comes up and everything is real again. His head felt fuzzy.
“...I don’t know.”
The words came out more quiet than he had intended, but it was true.
Newt thought about everything he and Hermann had been through. Their letters, their fights, their distance, their reunion, their work. Then he thought about the world ending all around them and losing Hermann for good. He couldn’t imagine being without him. He couldn’t begin to fathom what that would mean. The thought scared him.
But that was some unknown future that may never even happen, while here in the present Hermann was with him right then and there on their scruffy little sofa in their shared lab. Hermann who smelled like chalk and mothballs. Hermann who brought him tea at 3 am. Hermann who was the most important person in his life. Maybe it really was time they address Newt’s feelings and talk about where they stand with each other, even if the whole thing was one-sided. Afterall, they might not get another chance.
Newt was just about to break the silence when he felt one of Hermann’s fingers gingerly rub against his own. The touch was tender and chaste, and it made Newt’s heart flutter in his chest. His eyes darted towards Hermann in a moment of confusion, hoping to read something on his face, but Hermann looked away pensively as if nothing of importance was happening on Newt’s side of the couch. All thoughts of forming coherent sentences dissolved out of Newt’s brain when Hermann looped a pinky around his own and gently squeezed.
It only lasted a moment before Hermann softly pulled his hand away and stood up.
“Ah, Hermann, wait-” Newt protested meekly, but Hermann was already gathering his cane and turning to leave.
“Thank you for listening and indulging me, Newton. I apologize for sounding so grim about our future, but I needed to get these thoughts off my chest.” Hermann straightened as he spoke, as if to regain an air of respectful confidence, though his face wore an unmistakable shadow of regret.
“It’s fine, dude. Just don’t go yet, okay? Just don’t… go,” Newt said helplessly.
“I’m sorry we haven’t more time. I’ve finished my calculations, and run the numbers over and over. There is no doubt that we should see the first double event just outside the city.” Hermann paused to let the information sink in. Newt’s breath hitched in his throat in shock.
“It could happen within days. Maybe even tomorrow. I’ll be making my report to the Marshall in the morning after the samples from Sydney arrive. Goodnight, Newton.” Hermann looked at Newt with the burden of knowledge behind his tired eyes, and yet he still offered Newt a small smile before leaving the lab.
It left Newt reeling. A double event. Newt had heard Hermann talk about the possibility, and that it’d mark the beginning of the end if it ever actually happened. But before that night it had been just that- only a possibility. One potential future in a million. But now with Hermann’s prediction there was no denying the inevitability. Hermann’s math was never wrong.
Newt was overflowing with fear and heartache and anger that maybe the end was a lot nearer than he had expected. And at the same time he was processing what had happened that night between him and Hermann. It was the closest they’d been in years. Maybe ever. The residual feeling of sitting on the couch in silence with their hands just barely intertwined in a sort of unspoken pinky promise haunted him. He hadn’t wanted the moment to end. It wasn’t fair that they should lose something so soon that they didn’t even quite have yet. It made Newt desperate to win the war no matter the cost if it meant even one more day with Hermann, one more chance to tell him what he means to him. If only there was a way to know why this was happening and understand what these monsters wanted with their world.
He stood and looked down at the mess of papers and half filled out forms on his nearby desk. On the top of the pile was an itemized manifest for the kaiju samples that would arrive in the morning, and first on the list was a kaiju brain. Newt downed the rest of his now room temperature tea and headed to his room. He was going to need a good night’s rest.