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It hadn’t worked out. And that was okay.
It was supposed to be okay.
During the day, when he was with others, he could convince himself that everything was fine. But, when he was alone at night, staring at the ceiling and begging his brain to shut down, it all came flooding back to him.
Shadow was not okay. Not in the slightest.
He hadn’t said it aloud—not to himself, and certainly not to anyone else. He was sure Rouge saw through him. She always did. She never brought it up though, which was very unlike her. Maybe she thought it’d be too painful to discuss. Most days, he appreciated that respect. Others, he wished she’d say something—anything—about it, so he had an excuse to talk to her.
Sometimes Tails would give him odd looks when he visited him and Sonic. He’d let his eyes linger a little longer than normal on Shadow after he said something. He’d steal a glance at him if he noticed him looking too long at his brother. One time, Tails had tried to put his hand on Shadow’s shoulder, in what was surely supposed to be a comforting gesture. Shadow just shrugged it off and walked away.
The only person that he wanted to see through him never did. He couldn’t tell if it was out of ignorance and obliviousness, or if it was calculated. To Sonic’s credit, Shadow held up a strong front. Outwardly, he didn’t want Sonic to see what a wreck he was. But inside, he wished his former rival would look just a bit longer, or listen just a bit closer, and see the cracks in his façade. Shadow knew they were there. Sure, Rouge and Tails were geniuses, but they didn’t need to be to see through him. Even Knuckles and Amy had given him odd side-glances from time-to-time. If everyone else saw it so clearly, even people he wasn’t very close to, surely Sonic had to see it too, right? Sonic knew him better than anyone, Rouge being a close second. How could he not see what was happening?
That idea that he was ignoring him on purpose was painful. Besides, doing that would only make things so much worse. The simplest solution to this would be to talk to him directly about it. But that was too risky. Things felt fragile enough as they were, especially from his perspective. He couldn’t chance ruining their friendship by being honest with him.
Months had gone by. He fell asleep on Friday night during his Resident Evil movie marathon with Rouge. She carried his exhausted body to his room and laid him gently on his bed. She tossed a blanket over him so he wouldn’t get chilled. When he awoke the next morning, she was still in the apartment, to his surprise. He brewed a pot of coffee for them, then took his seat on the couch beside her.
“Mornin’ hun,” she greeted as he handed her a mug. He just nodded back.
“I can’t believe you crashed on me last night,” she joked in mock offense. “We even went with your movie choice!”
“Sorry,” he mumbled before taking a sip of coffee. “Work really wore me out yesterday.”
“Understandable,” she nodded. “That mission was sure a pain in the ass.” Shadow grunted in agreement.
“But, um, that reminds me,” Rouge started hesitantly. He could tell that their conversation hadn’t reminded her of anything. She’d been planning to bring up whatever this was since she woke up, perhaps even longer.
“When I took you to bed last night, I couldn’t help but notice some things.”
His grip on his mug tightened. He could tell from his friend’s glance that she feared he was going to break it. He set the mug on the arm of the sofa, focusing his intense stare on his area rug in front of him.
“I know things have been hard, honey, but you’re not doing yourself any favors by keeping all those photos up.”
He gripped his elbows and leaned forward, trying to avoid any possible sliver of eye contact.
“I know letting go isn’t easy. But you’re only holding yourself back by not trying to move forward.”
“You think I’m not trying?” he asked, voice sharp as a razor yet quiet. He saw Rouge flinch out of the corner of his eye. She knew she’d made a poor word choice.
“No, that’s not what I meant,” she backpedaled, but her tone remained firm. “I’m just saying that you should help yourself. No one else can do this for you.”
“What exactly am I supposed to do, Rouge?” he snapped, voice louder than his previous question. “I can’t just flip a switch and stop feeling things. I know I act like I can but you know that’s not how it works.”
“Of course I do,” she nodded. He could tell she was restraining herself. She was attempting to remain patient. Normally, she had no issue arguing with him. But she knew how hard this was all hitting him, and she genuinely felt sympathy for him.
“But sometimes, to move ahead,” she continued, “we have to do things we don’t want to do. And I think putting those pictures away is a good start.”
“And then what?” He knew what she was going to say; he just wanted to get it over with.
“Talk to him.”
“About what, exactly?”
“I mean, you two didn’t really talk about things afterwards. You both just acted like it never happened.”
“He was the one who made that decision,” he hissed.
“I know.”
“I don’t want to ignore it.”
“I know.”
“He pretends nothing’s changed because he doesn’t want to feel guilty.”
“I’m not sure that’s it, honey,” Rouge protested, placing a hand on his shoulder. He considered shrugging it off for half-a-second, before letting his annoyance fizzle out. He wasn’t annoyed with her, anyways.
“He knows he hurt you, and I’m sure he does feel badly for that. He might just believe pretending nothing happened will help you move forward.”
“That’s fucking stupid.”
Rouge chuckled; there was the Shadow she knew. “Don’t I know it. He was never the brightest bulb in the drawer, sweetie.”
He let out the deepest sigh Rouge had ever heard. “God, what do I see in him?”
“That’s a question for you, not me,” she smirked.
“Fine,” he groaned, signaling his defeat. “I’ll put the pictures away. And maybe I’ll try to talk to him.”
“That’s all I’m asking for, darling.” Rouge looked away, her face falling as she stared at the brown liquid in her mug. “I’m doing this for you, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, I do. Thanks, Rouge.”
“Anytime, hun.”
Rouge left after finishing her coffee, which they did in silence. It took him a while to get up and drag his feet to his room. When he finally did, he felt his heart skip a beat as his eyes immediately caught the photo on his nightstand. He walked towards it with trembling hands. He was almost too scared to pick it up, for fear of dropping it, but he did it anyways.
It was him and Sonic, at the beach of Emerald Coast. They had just come from the boardwalk, signified by the pink and blue cotton candy sticks in their hands. The sun was almost completely below the horizon, most of their lighting coming from the bright artificial bulbs of the boardwalk. Sonic had his free arm around him, a huge smile on his face. Shadow sported a smile of his own, but it was much softer and less bubbly than his boyfriend’s. He was looking at Sonic, not at the camera when the random stranger they’d asked to photograph them took the picture. Sonic had always said this was his favorite photo because of that. Because Shadow was focused on him, and his face spoke volumes about his feelings. He’d said that photo made him feel more loved than he ever had before.
It wasn’t enough, apparently.
That had been one of their first dates. They’d been together for about two weeks, but work was so busy for him that they’d only had a couple quick dinner dates up to that point. Sonic had been ready to burst with excitement when Shadow said he had that Saturday off.
Shadow opened the drawer on his nightstand, but closed it again slowly. That was too easily accessible. He needed to put the photo further away. He set it back down and went to his closet, finding a small box he’d stored in there. His stomach twisted when he realized this was what Sonic had wrapped his birthday gift in several months prior, just three weeks before they broke up. He shoved the thought aside and went back to his bed. He laid the photograph down gently, trying to keep his nervous hands from breaking the stupid thing. He went around the room, removing every photograph he’d framed and hung over his walls.
Some made him more emotional than others. The most recent one, hung next to his door, was the worst. It was him and Sonic at his birthday party. Shadow had adored that picture when it was taken. Now, it took all his strength to not shatter the glass frame and tear the photograph to shreds. Even then, Sonic had been thinking about breaking up with him. Yet he put on his blinding smile and charm and acted like everything was fine. At Shadow’s own goddamn birthday party. Rouge would likely encourage his desire to break the stupid thing, telling him it’s therapeutic or something. But, even now, with angry tears building up in his eyes, he didn’t have the guts to do it. He still remembered that day mostly fondly. He still loved that photo. He still loved the one he stood beside in it.
Once all the photographs were in the box, he took out a sharpie and labelled the top “Memories.” Then, before he could rethink his decision, he shoved the box to the back of his closet’s top shelf and closed the door. When he turned around, he expected to feel some wave of relief. Instead, he felt more empty and lonely than he had in a while.
~(*)~
He felt like a coward, but he didn’t try to push through his fear. A phone call was the best thing he could manage right now. Doing this face-to-face would be far too painful.
He knew Sonic knew something was up. Shadow had stopped wearing his nearly-impenetrable armor around when he visited Sonic. And now, whether Sonic liked it or not, he couldn’t ignore the issue anymore. Shadow didn’t stare at him or attempt physical contact or anything else blatantly obvious. But he did stop forcing his smiles and laughs and the shine in his eyes. He stopped making sure his fur looked flawless before going over to Sonic and Tails’ place. He stopped going along with Sonic and his attempts to act like nothing was different between them. Everyone else noticed it, too. He’d found Rouge smiling at him a couple times for it. Tails looked more concerned than before, but he still held his tongue. But Sonic stared at him and searched his face for answers and even had the nerve a couple times to look hurt. He always quickly readjusted his face after those moments, but Shadow still noticed them. Nothing escaped his notice.
So when Sonic answered the phone and didn’t sound like his usual, chipper self, Shadow wasn’t surprised.
“Hi, Shads,” he greeted quietly. If Shadow didn’t know better, he might’ve said he even sounded sad.
“Hi,” he responded simply, forcing his voice to stay level. If Sonic noticed it, he didn’t say anything.
“So, what’s up?” That was a normal question for Sonic, but not the tone it was in. It was clear he was trying to ask “what’s wrong?” or “what do you want to talk about” more than a casual question of how he is and how his life has been going.
“I…need to talk to you,” Shadow started, but immediately cursed himself for his words. That was such a stupid sentence. Of course he knew he needed to talk to him! That’s why he called!
“I know,” Sonic said, confirming the uselessness of the statement. “What about?”
“Um…I guess I just need to ask you something,” Shadow settled on. He’d rehearsed this conversation repeatedly for the last week or so, or at least, his parts of it. Nothing was coming out as smoothly as he wished, though.
“What is it?”
“I…”
“Shadow?”
His breath hitched when Sonic said his full name. He hadn’t heard him say it, and in such a serious tone, since he broke up with him.
“I know this may seem out-of-the-blue, but…why did you break up with me?”
He hears Sonic sigh heavily through the receiver. Shadow had worried that he might respond like that. He doesn’t let his anxiety get the better of him.
“Shads, we talked about this.”
“Did we?”
“I told you, I just…didn’t feel the same anymore.”
“We both know that’s bullshit.” Shadow sounded much more confident than he felt. It helped that a spark of anger had started climbing its way through his chest.
“It’s not, Shadow.”
“Could you at least not lie to me right now? I’m trying to have a serious conversation and you lying won’t get us anywhere.”
“I’m trying to have a serious conversation, too!” Sonic yelled in exasperation. “You just don’t like my answer! That’s not my fault!”
“I don’t like it because it’s not true.”
“Chaos, this Shadow, this right here, is why I lost interest! You always have to be right! Anything you don’t like can’t be true! And most of all, you don’t trust me!”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is!”
“I do trust you, Sonic.”
“Bullshit! If you did, then you wouldn’t be calling me a liar!”
“It’s because I trust you that I’m calling your lie out.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!”
“I know you. I know you better than this. You value honesty and integrity. And I am trusting that you will come out with the truth, eventually.”
He heard Sonic open his mouth, likely with a loud retort, but he closed it again. He heard another long sigh. He pictured Sonic holding his head in his free hand.
“Shadow, I’m sorry, but it is the truth. I stopped feeling like I did about you. Our dates weren’t that fun anymore. I didn’t feel anything when we kissed or cuddled. I felt…numb. The one thing I never told you about was that I felt scared, too.”
“Scared?” Shadow could almost feel Sonic wince against the phone from his quiet and broken his voice.
“You were…miles ahead of me, in terms of everything. You cared about me more, you were better at having your own life away from me, you were much more of an adult. And I didn’t want to try to keep up with someone who was, for once, faster than me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t see a reason to.”
“We could have talked it out.”
“Shadow, no, we couldn’t have. You know that.”
“No, I don’t, because you never even tried, did you?” The anger was back bubbling up and starting to claw at his throat. His voice was going to break with the next words he spoke, he was sure of it.
“Just, please, take my word for this. I thought long and hard about it. I knew it couldn’t be fixed.”
“Did you make yourself lose interest in me to run away from your problems?”
Shadow almost felt Sonic freeze up. Probably in part from the accusation, but also because Shadow was crying now and not even trying to pretend like he wasn’t.
“Of course not,” Sonic settled on quietly, after several seconds of thought. “It just happened.”
“How many more times are you going to make me call bullshit?” he whispered harshly.
“What do you want from me, Shads?”
“The truth.” Then quietly, more to himself, “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I…” Sonic started before trailing off. He paused a moment, clearly collecting his thoughts. When he spoke again, his tone clearly reflected defeat. He had given up this battle. “I couldn’t be in a relationship where I felt the way I did. So, yeah, maybe I distanced myself from you a bit.”
Shadow swallowed the lump in his through, using every ounce of willpower he had to not break down. He couldn’t do it while Sonic was on the phone.
“Thank you, for being honest,” he whispered.
“Are you…still angry?” Sonic asked after a beat of silence.
“Yes, but not as much as I should be. You…you should have come and talked to me about how you were feeling. Not just bailed.”
“I know. I know that now, at least. I just—”
“I don’t want your excuses,” Shadow interjected, putting a hand up in a “halt” motion even though Sonic couldn’t see him. “You didn’t trust me.”
“Shads, of course I trust you.”
“If you did, then you wouldn’t have been afraid to talk to me.”
Sonic swallowed, unprepared for the argument. Whatever words he had died in his throat, and Shadow was left with deafening silence.
“Thank you for talking to me. I’ll let you go now,” Shadow concluded after several seconds longer of unbearable silence.
“Wait, Shadow!”
“What?”
“Are we cool now? Can things go back to…how they were before?”
Shadow imagined Sonic’s blood running cold when he let out a low chuckle. “Sure, we’re ‘cool.’ But things will never be how they were previously. Nothing can change that.”
“I guess that’s fair,” Sonic sighed, though he still sounded disappointed. “One more thing.”
Shadow grunted as a signal for him to proceed.
“Do you still…have feelings for me?”
Shadow shook his head. For someone who wanted things to go back to normal, Sonic was doing a lot to prevent that from happening. “Of course I do. Just because you gave up, doesn’t mean it all just vanished.”
“Ah, right,” Sonic mumbled awkwardly. “Do you think you’ll ever move on?”
“Do you want the truth?”
“Yes.”
“No.”
Silence feel over the duo again. Shadow was willing himself to remain cold now. But when Sonic spoke, it was clear he wasn’t.
“Is, um, being friends with me stopping you?” Shadow recognized that voice anywhere. Sonic was crying, even if silently.
“No,” Shadow replied. “You leaving my life completely would probably just be worse.”
“Oh, okay.”
“If that’s all, then goodbye, Sonic.”
“Oh…goodbye, Shadow.”
Shadow heard a desperate sniffle as he hung up. He simultaneously wanted to throw his phone across the room but lacked the energy to do so. He settled for letting the device slip out of his hand onto the floor and burying his head in his hands. The tears finally started rolling out in full force. Shadow let them, for once. He didn’t even stifle his sobs, even though he knew it was nearing the time Rouge said she’d come over for dinner.
Once his eyes were incapable of producing more tears, he dragged his legs over to his closet. He dragged the cardboard box out of the top shelf, letting it fall ungracefully into his arms. He dug through the collection of photographs, none of which he’d touched since putting them away a few weeks ago. He finally found what he was looking for at the very bottom. It was the photo of him and Sonic at Emerald Coast, smiling on the beach at sunset with cotton candy. Shadow gazed at it for a few seconds, but not long enough to allow himself to relieve the memory. He set the frame back on his bedside table, before closing the box and returning it to the abyss of his closet.
As he heard knocking at his front door, he took one last look at the newly-displayed photo. He knew he’d get an earful from Rouge whenever she eventually saw it, but he shook his head with a sad smile on his face. He could deal with that.
What was the point of trying to smoother something that would never go away?