Archive of Our Own ^beta

Fear swirled in Will’s stomach as he got ready for work. It started as an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach when he first opened his eyes, and by the time he was slinging his bag over his shoulder and grabbing his keys, it had reached a crescendo, pulsating in his hears, rattling inside his ribcage.

But it was Connor who stopped still as they were stepping out into the hall, face twisted with something Will couldn’t quite read.

“Connor?” He asked quietly after a moment, when it didn’t seem like Connor was going to move at all.

“I can’t,” he whispered in response, gaze finally meeting Will’s. His eyes were wide and sad and scared, and all of Will’s own fear disappeared completely in place or concern. “I d- I can’t do it.”

“Can’t do what?” He prompted gently, moving back inside his apartment and closing the door behind him.

“The hospital. I can’t go back there.”

Will frowned, placing his bag on the floor before closing the distance between them, hands on Connor’s shoulders.

“What? What’s going on?”

The fear came back tenfold then, joining the concern, forcing him to take a deep breath. He was sure Connor would have mentioned it if he’d heard something about Tim Burke being out of prison, but that doesn’t stop him wondering if that was what had Connor frozen at the door.

But then Connor sucked in a sharp breath, closing his eyes as he leaned into Will’s touch, and Will was sure there must be something else going on.

“Hey,” he said quietly, rubbing Connor’s back, ducking his head to try and coax something more out of him, to try and find some sort of explanation on his face. “Talk to me.”

Connor shook his head, and when he opened his eyes again, he looked unbearably sad. Will felt a pang in his chest at that look, a look he’d caught fleeting glimpses of over the past few months, but had never really had the opportunity to ask about.

“What’s going on?” Will whispered, cupping Connor’s cheek as he trailed his thumb across his cheekbone.

It felt hypocritical to ask Connor to open up to him when he was keeping something so serious a secret himself, but he’d been so sure that if anyone would have been frozen still, too scared to leave the apartment, it would have been him, not Connor.

“I think I’m losing my mind,” Connor whispered, looking up at the ceiling.

“What?” Will asked with a frown, stepping in a little closer, something protective rising inside him, though he wasn’t sure why.

“I can’t tell what’s real,” he whispered, voice shaking. “What’s fact and what I’ve invented to- to cope. But I can’t go back there. I just can’t. I- I thought I was fine, but I can’t.”

“Okay,” Will said slowly, grip on Connor’s shoulder tightening. “You’re not making sense.”

Connor let out a humourless laugh, shaking his head. “Sorry. Sorry, I didn’t- I shouldn’t be doing this here.”

“Doing what?” Will frowned, the sense that something was very wrong growing.

“This,” Connor gestured loosely at himself, glancing away. “This- this breakdown, or whatever is happening right now.”

“Hey,” Will said softly. “You just lost your dad. I think you’re entitled to take a few days off to grieve.”

Connor hummed non-committally, not looking convinced, and Will couldn’t resist pulling him into a hug. It was like a dam broke the moment Connor was in Will’s arms, and suddenly he was crying, great heaving sobs as he clung to Will. He’d never seen Connor emotional like this, but then, he supposed, for all that they were there for each other, for all they shared, they still kept their emotions locked away, never willing to lose composure in front of anyone, not even each other, not really. It took a moment for the shock to wear off and for Will to hug Connor in earnest, cradling his head, rubbing his back gently as he cried. He wished he could do more than just stand there and wait it out, but he’d had no idea the level of pain Connor was feeling, what he was actually going through. In hindsight, that was stupid. He should have known Connor would take the loss of his father hard, despite their rocky relationship. But he’d seemed to hold it together, to want to keep working, to be, for the most part, as okay as could be expected. So Will hadn’t wanted to push. He’d simply silently been there, and that seemed to be enough. Until now.

Now, Connor was coming undone completely, and Will didn’t know what to do about it. His heart ached for the man in his arms, but he knew he couldn’t fix this. Still, with the thought of Tim Burke in the back of his mind, he figured a day off for both of them couldn’t hurt.

He lead Connor to the lounge once his sobs had died down to the odd hitch in his breath, and pulled him close against his chest, at a loss for words.

“Is it just your dad?” He eventually asked, “Or is there something else you’re not telling me?”

Connor stayed silent for a moment, erratic breaths slowly calming, but eventually he said, “I think Ava killed my dad.”

“Dr. Bekker?” Will asked, unable to keep the shock out of his voice.

“I know. It sounds ridiculous. But someone dosed him with insulin. Nina marked his death as suspicious. And Ava...there’s so much that’s gone on, and I’m not sure which parts I’m imagining and which parts actually happened, but she said...Yesterday, she said now that he was gone, we could be together, and I just…” He let out a shaky sigh, glancing up at Will before continuing. “She once said she would do anything for me. I keep looking at everything she’s done, everything that doesn’t add up, and I can’t help but wonder how far she would go.”

“But murder?” Will asked before he could think better of it.

“I know how it sounds,” Connor snapped, shifting like he was going to get up, but Will pulled him in tight.

“I’m not doubting you,” Will said quickly, giving Connor a small squeeze. “It’s just...a lot.”

“It’s insane,” Connor replied with a small, uncertain shrug. “But that look in her eye when I told her we would never be together...I can’t go back, Will. I just can’t. Even if it wasn’t her. Someone in that hospital purposely gave my father an overdose of insulin. I can’t work somewhere where my colleague killed my father. I just can’t.”

“So let’s leave,” Will said suddenly, sitting up a little straighter, forcing Connor to do the same.

“What?”

“Let’s get out of Chicago. Let’s go to- to Montana, or Arizona. Leave and never come back.”

Connor sat up with a frown, studying Will for a moment. “You’re serious.”

Will nodded in response, feeling an odd rush of excitement mixed with relief. He’d wanted to stay for Connor, couldn’t bear to leave Chicago when things had just started between them, when things finally felt good, felt right, but if Connor didn’t want to work at Med anymore, if he had nothing tying him to Chicago, then what was stopping them leaving together? Will wouldn’t have to be constantly looking over his shoulder, waiting for Burke to come and get him, and Connor wouldn’t have to return to the hospital that killed his father, never knowing which of his colleagues actually did it. It suddenly seemed like the perfect solution, only Connor was looking at him like he’d lost his mind.

“Look,” he said slowly, taking both of Connor’s hands in his. “I know we’ve only been seeing each other for a few months, and moving to another city, to another state together, is a huge step, one we likely shouldn’t be taking, but…” he trailed off with a small sigh, some of his assuredness leaving the longer he talked. “I want to be with you. I know that it’s you I want by my side. And it would be so much better if we weren’t constantly wondering, waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering when—“ Will broke off abruptly, knowing he’d said too much, given too much of his own situation away when concern filled Connor’s eyes.

“Wondering when what?” Connor asked softly, giving Will’s hands a small squeeze.

Will swallowed, glancing away as he weighed his options. He knew if he told Connor about Burke, if he told him what was going on, then Connor would insist he relocate. But he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving and starting over again without Connor. He couldn’t bear the thought of being so isolated and alone. Just the thought had a panic rising in him to match the fear he felt at the thought of what Burke could do.

“Tim Burke’s out of prison,” Will said slowly, glancing up to gauge Connor’s reaction. His eyes narrowed in concern, brow furrowing even as he gave Will’s hands an encouraging squeeze. “Ingrid suggested I relocate, get the hell out of Chicago, but I can’t…” he lowered his gaze, scared of Connor’s reaction. “I can’t leave you.”

Connor was silent for long enough for doubt to pool in Will’s stomach, churning nauseatingly with everything else he was feeling, but eventually, Connor whispered, “Okay.”

Will looked up suddenly, heart skipping a beat as he searched Connor’s face for confirmation. “Really?”

“Yes,” Connor said with a soft laugh, lips quirking up in a smile, even though he still looked sad. “Why didn’t you tell me about Burke?”

“Didn’t wanna worry you,” Will said with a shrug, rubbing his thumb across Connor’s knuckles. “There’s no way I’m leaving you. Not when things are so good. But I couldn’t ask you to drop everything, leave your whole life behind, just for me.”

“I would, you know,” Connor said softly. “I will.”

Will couldn’t fight the smile tugging at his lips as an unexpected warmth filled him up. But it was dulled somewhat by the gravity of what Connor told him, of his suspicions about Ava.

“How long has this thing with Ava been going on?”

“It’s not like that,” Connor said quickly. “We’re not- I’m not- I mean, we did, ages ago, but—“

“No,” Will cut him off quickly. “I’m not asking out of jealousy, I’m...why didn’t you tell me? What’s she been doing?”

“Oh.” Connor frowned, clearly surprised Will was only concerned and not upset or angry. “I guess...I didn’t want to worry you.” He shrugged, offering a sheepish smile. “I was never sure about any of it. I’m still not.”

“I’m here for you,” Will insisted, cupping Connor’s face with both his hands. “No matter what, I’ve got your back.”

“Thank you,” Connor whispered, hands settling on Will’s shoulders.

Will felt a swell of emotion as their lips met, a feeling he couldn’t quite place, something he’d never felt before. His heart felt full, and it felt like something was finally clicking into place, like an empty part of him he hadn’t even been aware of was now filled, and he finally knew what it meant to be whole.

For the first time he could remember, Will didn’t feel embarrassed as hot tears slipped down his cheeks. He only felt joy, and comfort, and the absolute certainty that, no matter what, Connor had his back too.