Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

New Chat

September 4th 3:52 pm

Disaster_Gay added Disaster_Bi, Disaster_Pan, One, Functional_Bi, Functional_Gay, Each, Sunshine, MomFriend, ThatGayOverThere, DontBlink, Of, Disaster_Lesbian, StraightWhiteBoi, Distinguished_Bi, and Functional_Lesbian to a new chat

Disaster_Gay renamed the chat Hot Guy Send Help

Disaster_Gay sent an image

Disaster_Gay: GUYS HELP!!! 

Disaster_Gay: THERES A HOT GUY IN MY DANCE CLASS

Disaster_Gay: HELP ME!!!!

Distinguished_Bi: Talk to him

Disaster_Gay: I DID

Disaster_Gay: HES SUPER NICE

Disaster_Gay: AND HOT

Disaster_Gay: I CANT

One: Sometimes I just can’t remember why Race’s username is “disaster gay”

Disaster_Bi: Its a real mystery

MomFriend: Jack, you have no room to talk

Disaster_Pan: He is hot

Disaster_Pan: Just ask him out

Functional_Gay: You have no room to talk either, Ro

Disaster_Gay sent five images

Disaster_Gay: Hes so hot I could die

Functional_Lesbian renamed the chat Race Is THIRSTY

One: True that

Disaster_Gay: Doesnt anyone care about MY problems?

Distinguished_Bi: Race, darling, if you don’t ask this boy out then there’s nothing that we can do

Disaster_Gay: I cant just ask him out!!!!

Sunshine: Then be thirsty forever bitch

Disaster_Bi: Sassy Crutchie gives me life <3 <3

Sunshine: Love you too babe!!!❤️

MomFriend: What about me?

Disaster_Bi: I love Davey Jacobs!

Sunshine: Love you Davey ❤️❤️

MomFriend: I love you guys!!

Disaster_Gay: Ew go away

Disaster_Gay: Were talking about me rn

Functional_Lesbian: If you’re gonna be a bitch, Race, then you should at least ask the boy out

Distinguished_Bi: I love Sarah Jacobs!!

Functional_Lesbian: 💜💜💜

Disaster_Pan: Hi I love Specs thanks!

Functional_Gay: I love Romeo!

One: @Of, Each we’re not being left out of this so I love you bitches

Each: I ain’t gonna never stop loving you bitches

Of: Uh same I guess

Each: You GUESS!?

One: Dammit Henry this is why we can’t have nice things

Of: Sorry sorry but that vine has only two lines

Of: Of course I love you both

Functional_Bi: Ew love

Disaster_Lesbian: ^^

StraightWhiteBoi: ^^

Disaster_Gay: ^^

Chapter Text

Race Is THIRSTY

September 5th 3:51 pm

Disaster_Gay sent an image

Disaster_Gay: Day 2 and hes still so pretty

Functional_Bi: Day 2 and Race is still a thirsty bitch

Disaster_Gay: How come no one is on my side here

Disaster_Lesbian: Ask him out

Disaster_Gay: Mom! Everyones bullying me

MomFriend: Ask him out

Disaster_Gay: ☹️

Race Is THIRSTY

September 5th 5:42 pm

Disaster_Bi: Yo @Disaster_Pan, Disaster_Lesbian, Disaster_Gay it’s the first Wednesday of the month

Disaster_Gay: YEET!

Disaster_Lesbian: Shut up Race

Disaster_Gay: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine

Disaster_Gay: @Disaster_Bi the usual jack?

Disaster_Bi: Yep

Disaster_Pan: YAY PANCAKES!

MomFriend: What?

Disaster_Lesbian: None of your business Davey

Disaster_Gay: Yeah dave fuk off

Functional_Gay: ???

Disaster_Pan: Don’t worry about it babe

Of: If you're not gonna tell us what you're doing then why don’t you have your own chat?

Disaster_Lesbian: Cuz that takes effort

Disaster_Bi: It’s “Disasters’ Night Out” which basically means we’re gonna hangout at ihop until they kick us out

Disaster_Pan: You know like disasters do

Sunshine: I like pancakes 🥞

Disaster_Gay: Get ur own pancakes ur not invited

Sunshine: ☹️

Disaster_Bi: Sorry Crutch disasters only

Disaster_Lesbian: Pan-cakes

Disaster_Pan: Pan-Cakes

Disaster_Bi: PAN-Cakes

Disaster_Gay: PAN-CAKES

Functional_Lesbian: … oooookay

Functional_Lesbian: Hey @Functional_Bi, Functional_Gay you guys wanna get dinner together

Functional_Bi: Hell yeah! Functionals unite!

Functional_Gay: Sure!

Distinguished_Bi: Hey there’s no other distinguished people here

Distinguished_Bi: Fine then @Everyone else if you guys wanna get dinner it’s on me

Each: Yay Kath!

Sunshine: Thanks Katherine!!

StraightWhiteBoi: Sugar momma!

Distinguished_Bi: Mike has been uninvited

StraightWhiteBoi: That’s fair 😕

New Chat

September 5th 8:03

Disaster_Lesbian added Disaster_Bi, Disaster_Pan, and Disaster_Gay to a new chat

Disaster_Lesbian: Where are you guys?

Disaster_Gay: Keep ur shirt on were almost there

Disaster_Pan: Pancakes!!! 🥞🥞🥞

Disaster_Lesbian remaned the chat Disaster Pancakes

Chapter Text

Race is THIRSTY

September 7th 11:29 am

Disaster_Lesbian: Guess who’s got a date tonight!!

Functional_Lesbian: Not Race

Disaster_Gay: r00d

Sunshine: Congrats Smalls

Disaster_Lesbian: Thnx Crutch

Disaster_Bi: Nice

Disaster_Bi: Who with?

Disaster_Lesbian: A cute girl from my psych class

Disaster_Bi: Add her

Disaster_Lesbian: No

Disaster_Lesbian: I really like her and we haven’t even been on a date yet

Disaster_Lesbian: I’m not introducing her to you freaks until she’s more attached to me

Functional_Bi: That’s so fair

StraightWhiteBoi: That’s so valid

Functional_Lesbian: You know who could have a date if he grew a pair?

Functional_Lesbian: And by “a pair” I mean ovaries

Disaster_Lesbian: Yeah Race woman up

Disaster_Gay: Help im being attacked by lesbians

Sunshine: I’ll attack you too if that will make you feel better

Disaster_Gay: ☹️

Disaster_Gay: Mooooooom! Ur bf is mean to me

Disaster_Gay: But like in a very nice way

MomFriend: It’s because you’re a bitch.

Disaster_Gay: O_o

Functional_Bi: :0

StraightWhiteBoi: 0:

Disaster_Lesbian: ...

Functional_Lesbian: Wow 

Sunshine: Are you getting enough sleep babe?

Sunshine: You stressed out?

Sunshine: Need me and Jack to come cuddle with you?

MomFriend: Yes, please. 

Sunshine: @Disaster_Bi, we’re needed

Disaster_Bi: On my way! 

MomFriend: Thanks, guys.

Sunshine: ❤️❤️❤️

Disaster Pancakes

September 8th 1:34 am

Disaster_Lesbian: Am I still a disaster if I had a successful date that comes with the promise of another?

Disaster_Pan: Finding a girl who isn’t a disaster doesn’t make you any less of a disaster

Disaster_Lesbian: Hey!

Disaster_Gay: Hes rite u know just look at jack hes got TWO boyfriends and hes still a complete disaster

Disaster_Bi: Hey!

Disaster_Bi: I mean hes right but still

Disaster_Pan: I have a boyfriend too!

Disaster_Lesbian: Yeah and I’d say that’s even more impressive since Jack can at least seduce people with his art

Disaster_Pan: HEY!

Disaster_Bi: Aww Smalls thats the nicest thing youve ever said to me

Disaster_Pan: I’m charming!!!

Disaster_Gay: Suuuure

Disaster_Pan: I am! Specs thinks I’m charming

Disaster_Bi: Obviously

Disaster_Lesbian: Still not sure why though

Disaster_Pan: You guys suck

Disaster_Gay: XP

Disaster_Bi: Go to bed. -Davey

Disaster_Pan: *sigh* yes mom

Disaster_Lesbian: Yes mom

Disaster_Gay: Ur not the boss of me

Disaster_Bi: Antonio Higgins! Don't make me come down there! -Davey

Disaster_Gay: Sorry mom ill go 2 bed now

Disaster_Bi: Goodnight everyone. -Davey

New Chat

September 8th 1:54 am

Disaster_Gay added Disaster_Pan and Disaster_Lesbian to a new chat

Disaster_Gay: R u guys really going to bed?

Disaster_Pan: Davey will know if we don't

Disaster_Lesbian: Yeah I'm not having Davey yell at me

Disaster_Gay: U guys r no fun 😒

Chapter Text

Dad’s Fettuccine

September 13th 11:06 pm

Disaster_Bi added spot_conlon to the chat

Disaster_Bi: Guys

Disaster_Bi: Brooklyns here

spot_conlon: no

spot_conlon has left the chat

Disaster_Bi added spot_conlon to the chat

spot_conlon: fuck you jack

Disaster_Bi: Love you too Spotty

Disaster_Gay: Hey jack y did u add my ex to the chat I made to complain about a hot guy

Disaster_Bi: Because Spot is part of our group and this is our main chat now

spot_conlon: i dont want to be here

Disaster_Bi: Too bad

spot_conlon has left the chat

Disaster_Bi added spot_conlon to the chat

spot_conlon changed their name to let_me_leave

let_me_leave: please

Disaster_Bi: No

Disaster_Gay: Jaaaaack

Disaster_Bi: You guys broke up like 3 years ago

Disaster_Bi: Get over it

Chapter Text

Dad’s Fettuccine

September 14th 6:45 am

let_me_leave has left the chat

Chapter Text

Dad’s Fettuccine

September 14th 12:01 pm

Disaster_Bi added let_me_leave to the chat

Disaster_Bi: Dont think you can escape just because I was asleep Spotty

let_me_leave has changed their name to let_me_leave_please

let_me_leave_please: i hate you

MomFriend: Jack, are you JUST waking up?

Disaster_Bi: Hey davey shut up

Disaster_Bi: Jk love you babe

Distinguished_Bi: But you are just waking up

Disaster_Bi: Well yeah duh

Sunshine: Jack’s not just a disaster bi, he’s a disaster human too

Disaster_Bi: :(

Sunshine: Love you babe!

Disaster_Bi: <3

StraightWhiteBoi: Ew happiness

Chapter Text

Dad’s Fettuccine

September 14th 1:27 pm

Disaster_Pan: Smalls just took my apple and threw it across the room for no reason

Disaster_Lesbian: In this world, Ro, it’s yeet Or be yeeted

Disaster_Lesbian: Today you were yeeted

Disaster_Pan: But my apple 😭

Disaster_Lesbian: YEET OR BE YEETED RO SUCK IT UP

Disaster_Gay renamed the chat Yeet Or Be Yeeted

Disaster_Pan: 😢

Disaster_Gay: Sux 2 suck ro

Functional_Gay: I’m sorry about your apple, babe, I’ll get you another one later

Disaster_Pan: :D

Disaster_Pan: Specs is the BEST boyfriend!!!!

One: Ok but consider this

One sent an image

It’s Henry carrying a plate of sandwiches

Each: 😍😍😍

MomFriend: Alright, but consider this:

MomFriend sent an image

It’s Jack and Crutchie cuddling on their couch

Disaster_Bi: consider this though

Disaster_Bi sent an image

It’s Davey reading a book

Functional_Bi: OK BUT CONSIDER THIS

Functional_Bi sent an image

It’s a cardboard cutout of Benedict Cumberbatch

Disaster_Gay: Ok but consider this

Disaster_Gay sent an image

It’s a bowl of spaghetti

Disaster_Bi: Ok Race but consider this

Disaster_Bi sent an image

It’s an image of the boy that Race has been pining after that Race has sent the previous day

Disaster_Gay: Ok jack but consider this

Disaster_Gay: Fuk u

Functional_Lesbian: Is Buttons the only girl in this chat who has a boyfriend?

Disaster_Lesbian: Well considering you’re a lesbian and I’m a lesbian and Kath is dating you and Buttons is the only other girl

Disaster_Lesbian: I’m just not sure why you’re shocked by this

Functional_Lesbian: We need more girl friends

Disaster_Lesbian: Rt

Each: Rt

Distinguished_Bi: Rt

New Chat

September 14th 1:58 pm

StraightWhiteBoi added Functional_Bi, Disaster_Gay, and let_me_leave_please to a new chat

Functional_Bi renamed the chat Singles Squad

let_me_leave_please: no

let_me_leave_please has left the chat

Disaster_Gay: Sorry guys but im not staying in a chat thats just u guys that actually sounds like a nightmare

Disaster_Gay has left the chat

StraightWhiteBoi: D:

Functional_Bi: r00d

New Chat

September 14th 2:09 pm

Distinguished_Bi added Functional_Lesbian, Each, and Disaster_Lesbian to a new chat

Distinguished_Bi renamed the chat Girls Only

Functional_Lesbian: Greetings ladies

Each: There’s only 4 of us and there’s like 50 guys and Jojo in our main chat

Disaster_Lesbian: I’ll add my sorta gf if you guys promise not to scare her off

Each: Aww you trust us

Disaster_Lesbian: Well there’s only three of you and you are three of the better ones

Distinguished_Lesbian: Yes, please add her Smalls.

Disaster_Lesbian added Crossfire to the chat

Disaster_Lesbian: Sniper these are some of my friends

Disaster_Lesbian: Girls this is Sniper

Crossfire: Hello!

Distinguished_Bi: Hello, Sniper! I’m Katherine!

Functional_Lesbian: I’m her girlfriend Sarah

Each: Hi I’m Buttons!

Functional_Lesbian: We should have girls night some time

Each: Hell yeah

Crossfire: I’m down

Functional_Lesbian: Yay! We get to meet Smalls’s girlfriend!!

Crossfire: GIRLFRIEND?!?!

Disaster_Lesbian: Hey Sarah we haven’t had that conversation yet

Disaster_Lesbian: I told you not to scare her off

Crossfire: I’m not scared off I just think that one full date and getting lunch together twice in six days isn’t enough to go for the labels yet

Disaster_Lesbian: I didn’t call you my girlfriend, I said sorta girlfriend

Crossfire: I mean it’s not that I don’t want to be your girlfriend, I just think we should test the waters with each other a little more before we start going deeper, and I do feel like saying girlfriends is deeper than we are currently

Disaster_Lesbian: I totally agree

Each: Wow Sarah, Sniper’s coming for your “functional lesbian” title

Distinguished_Bi: We don’t know that she’s a lesbian

Crossfire: I’m lesbian

Disaster_Lesbian: I thought you were American

Functional_Lesbian: I welcome another functional lesbian to our group, especially since Kath and Smalls are disasters

Crossfire: Where does Buttons fall?

Each: I am an ethereal being who transcends your worldly labels

Distinguished_Bi: Buttons is a functional disaster

Each: 🖕

Chapter Text

Yeet Or Be Yeeted

September 20th 3:53 pm

Disaster_Gay: Can we just take a moment to appreciate Albert’s hair

Disaster_Gay: I mean

Disaster_Gay sent four images

Disaster_Gay: Its just so red

Disaster_Gay: And fluffy

Disaster_Gay: I want to touch it

Functional_Lesbian: There’s no way his hair is natural

Distinguished_Bi: It’s literally impossible

Disaster_Gay: I have never seen his roots be anything but red

Disaster_Gay: And trust me I stare at his hair a lot

Disaster_Gay: As well as the rest of him 😏

Disaster_Bi: If you asked him out you could probably stare at him more

Disaster_Pan: Naked 😏😏

Disaster_Lesbian: On the one hand: ew

Disaster_Lesbian: On the other hand: that’s so true

Disaster_Gay: Does anyone who isn’t a disaster have anything to say

MomFriend: Statistically speaking, you have a higher chance of seeing him naked if you ask him out than you do if you don’t ask him out.

Disaster_Bi: Math doesnt lie

Functional_Bi: Davey has spoken

StraightWhiteBoi: And he speaks the truth

Disaster_Gay: I h8 u guys

Chapter Text

Yeet Or Be Yeeted

September 25th 3:54 pm

Disaster_Gay sent an image

Disaster_Gay: I love him 😍

One: Race, what do you actually know about this boy

Disaster_Gay: A lot

Of: Such as?

Disaster_Gay: His name is Albert

StraightWhiteBoi: …

Functional_Bi: Is that all?

Disaster_Gay: No

Disaster_Gay: Purple is his favorite color but it doesnt go well with his hair so he usually wears blue

Disaster_Gay: Hes super into science but his passion is dancing

Disaster_Gay: As much as he loves science he hates math

Disaster_Gay: He was super close to his mom but she died of cancer a few years back

One: Ok then

Disaster_Gay: When he was little he wanted to be an astronaut

Disaster_Gay: When he cant sleep he goes to the roof of his building to look at the stars

Disaster_Gay: He wants to be a dancer in a broadway musical

Disaster_Gay: He also wants to teach dance to kids

Disaster_Gay: He takes in every stray He comes across because he cant the thought of it dying in the streets

Disaster_Gay: Hes a terrible singer but that doesnt stop him

Disaster_Gay: His spirit animal is an armadillo

One: …

One: Ok so Race knows a lot about this boy

Of: … I

MomFriend: Ask him out Race, you clearly care a lot about him.

let_me_leave_please: ask him out

Functional_Gay: ^^^

StraightWhiteBoi: Wow even Spot thinks you should ask him out

Functional_Bi: That means you have to

Disaster_Bi: Racer, in all seriousness, you need to ask this boy out. It’s clearly more than a crush, and we all want you to be happy.

Functional_Bi: You know it’s serious when Jack uses punctuation

Disaster_Gay: Ok but I really like him and I dont want 2 make things awkward between us ya know

Disaster_Gay: I mean i know that i was hardcore thirsting in the beginning but now we have like a legit friendship but its definately not strong enough to withstand unrequited feelings

MomFriend: Your feelings might not be unrequited though.

Disaster_Gay: I know but i cant risk it yet

World’s Best Boyfriends

September 25th 4:49 pm

MomFriend: I know that you want to get involved, Jackie, but I don’t think Race would appreciate it very much at this point in time.

Disaster_Bi: But Daaaavey its loooooove

Sunshine: Yeah Davey, I’ve never seen Race like this before

MomFriend: Exactly! Think about it, Race really genuinely likes this boy for more than just because he’s attractive. If you meddle, and it ends badly, Race may never forgive you.

Sunshine: That’s a good point! I wouldn’t say never though, cuz Jackie and Racer have been friends since forever, but he would be pissed if Jack scared Albert away

Disaster_Bi: Name one person Ive scared away

Sunshine: York

Disaster_Bi: Ok but I didnt want him to date you

MomFriend: Myron

Disaster_Bi: Once again I didnt want him to date you

Sunshine: Ace

Disaster_Bi: Ok well

MomFriend: Price

Sunshine: Skittery

MomFriend: Vince

Disaster_Bi: Fine I get it Im not good at helping are you happy now

Sunshine: I’d be happier if you picked up Thai on the way home

Disaster_Bi: Fine

Sunshine: ❤️❤️❤️

Disaster_Bi: <3 <3

MomFriend: ❤️

Chapter Text

Yeet Or Be Yeeted

September 28th 11:55 pm

Disaster_Gay renamed the chat Choc-LIT Milk

Disaster_Gay: Am i rite or am i rite

Choc-LIT Milk

September 29th 1:47 am

Disaster_Gay: Do y gusy thinjs planets have fellifns

Disaster_Gay: I amen thay r alive rit eso does thats nebs thay have feldjfn

MomFriend: Race, how high are you?

Disaster_Gay: Dvaud its hi how r u

MomFriend: Go to bed.

Disaster_Gay: oooOOoo will u b theee

Disaster_Bi: Stay away from my boyfriend and go. To. SLEEP

Disaster_Gay: Boo

Disaster_Gay: Fine

Choc-LIT Milk

September 29th 3:08 am

Disaster_Gay: MOTHMAN

Disaster_Bi: Race

Disaster_Gay: Theres no need to feel down

Disaster_Gay: I said

Disaster_Bi: Shut up

Disaster_Gay: MOTHMAN

Disaster_Gay: Pick that guy off the ground

Disaster_Gay: I said

Disaster_Bi renamed the chat Shut Up Race

Disaster_Gay: MOTHMAN

Disaster_Gay: Swing ur new friend around

let_me_leave_please: if you dont shut up i swear

Disaster_Gay: Cuz its fun

Disaster_Gay: To

Disaster_Gay: Swing

Disaster_Gay: A

Disaster_Gay: Hu

let_me_leave_please removed Disaster_Gay from the chat

Disaster_Bi: The ultimate power move

let_me_leave_please: one more message out of you and ill remove you too

Shut Up Race

September 29th 10:02 am

Distinguished_Bi: THE Spot Conlon removes Racetrack Higgins from his own group chat

Each: I stan one (1) legend

DontBlink: Legendary Hero Spot Conlon Removes Legendary Dumbass Antonio “Racetrack” Higgins Mid-Word

Distinguished_Bi: A cryptid!

Each: CRYPTID

One: A Cryptid

Disaster_Bi: CRyptid!!

Disaster_Pan: OMG I forgot that Blink was here 😂😂

Chapter Text

Shut Up Race

September 30th 1:09 pm

Disaster_Lesbian: Can I add my girlfriend?

Disaster_Bi: Your girlfriend wants to watch Race pine?

Disaster_Lesbian: I thought this was our official group chat?

Disaster_Bi: I mean it is but Race is here so hes going to pine

Disaster_Lesbian: Is Race here? Cuz I thought that no one added him back in

Disaster_Bi: Oh shit

Disaster_Bi added Disaster_Gay to the chat

Disaster_Gay: Well its about damn time

Disaster_Pan: Lol I thought this chat was quiet

Functional_Lesbian: Add her, Smalls, we need more girls in this chat

Each: Amen sister

Disaster_Lesbian added Crossfire to the chat

Crossfire: Where am I?

Disaster_Pan: Hell

Crossfire: Ok edgelord

Each: Get owned Romeo

Crossfire: Is your name really Romeo?

Disaster_Pan: It is indeed

Disaster_Lesbian: Everyone introduce yourself to my girlfriend

Disaster_Pan: Romeo he/him

Disaster_Bi: Jack he/him

Functional_Bi: Mike he/him

StraightWhiteBoi: Ike he/him

Functional_Lesbian: Don’t listen to them, Ike is the bi one, and Mike is the straight one

One: Jojo, they/them

Sunshine: Crutchie he/him

Crossfire: How come most of you have your sexuality in your nicknames?

Disaster_Pan: It was Jack’s idea

Disaster_Gay: Race(track) he/him

let_me_leave_please: spot he him

Functional_Gay: Specs, he/him

MomFriend: I’m David, he/him

Of: Henry he/him

DontBlink: Blink he/him

Disaster_Bi: CRYPTID

Of: Cryptid

StraightWhiteBoi: cRYPTID

Disaster_Lesbian: CRyptid

One changed DontBlink to ResidentCryptid

ResidentCryptid: I hate you guys

Crossfire: OK well I’m Sniper, she/her, nice to meet you guys

Crossfire: Even the cryptid

Disaster_Pan: How come none of the girls introduced themselves

Functional_Lesbian: Because we’ve already met Sniper.

Of: WHAT!!

Each: ;P

Each: Smalls trusts us

Disaster_Gay: r00d

Singles Squad

September 30th 1:42 pm

Functional_Bi added Disaster_Gay, let_me_leave_please, and ResidentCryptid to the chat

StraightWhiteBoi: Let's try this again

ResidentCryptid: I’m not single

ResidentCryptid has left the chat

Disaster_Gay: Wait wut?

Disaster_Gay added ResidentCryptid to the chat

Functional_Bi: SINCE WHEN??

StraightWhiteBoi: Spill. The. TEA!!

ResidentCryptid: Yeah I’ve been in an official relationship since July

Disaster_Gay: Y DIDNT U TELL US???

ResidentCryptid: *shrugs*

Functional_Bi: We are so telling the others

ResidentCryptid: No wait!

StraightWhiteBoi: Hmm not so nonchalant now

ResidentCryptid: I’m just not ready to tell everyone yet ok

StraightWhiteBoi: Hmm

Functional_Bi: Ok

Disaster_Gay: I love knowing secrets 😈

ResidentCryptid: I already regret saying anything

Crossfire to ThatGayOverThere

September 30th 1:43 pm

Crossfire: My rates just doubled

ThatGayOverThere: You drive a hard bargain

ThatGayOverThere: But we have a deal

Chapter Text

CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE

October 2nd 3:56 pm

Disaster_Gay: RED ALERT

Disaster_Gay: HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF IN CLASS

Disaster_Gay sent two images

Sunshine: THOSE ABS THOUGH

Disaster_Gay: I KNOW RITE

Functional_Lesbian: I’m not even straight, but daaaaamn son

Each: Yeah but look at Jojo and Henry

Each sent an image

Functional_Bi: Nice

Disaster_Pan: Ok but look at Specs

Disaster_Pan sent an image

Distinguished_Bi: Specs!!! Where were you when I tried dating guys???

Functional_Gay: Off being my normal Gay self 😉

Distinguished_Bi: Fair 😕

Crossfire sent an image

Distinguished_Bi: Smalls!!!

Functional_Lesbian: Wow I’m so gay!

Disaster_Lesbian: Ok, but Snipes definitely is stronger than me

Disaster_Lesbian sent an image

Functional_Lesbian: Hey Kath, I think Smalls and Sniper are a different kind of lesbian than us.

Distinguished_Bi: You mean the kind that actually works out?

Functional_Lesbian: Yep

Sunshine: Ok but look at Jack and Spot

Sunshine sent an image

Of: Wow

StraightWhiteBoi: The brothers who lift together get RIPPED together

One: Jack and Spot? More like Jacked and…

One: And...

One: Fuck

Each: It’s ok Jo

Each: You tried

Disaster_Pan: How is Spot still single???

Functional_Bi: Because he has a terrible personality

let_me_leave_please: you want to die ike?

Functional_Bi: 0_0 no please

let_me_leave_please: thats what i thought

Disaster_Bi: Ok but we’re missing the best abs of them all

Functional_Lesbian: Come on, Jack we all know that David doesn’t have abs

Disaster_Bi sent an image

Functional_Lesbian: 🤯

StraightWhiteBoi: HOT DAMN

Disaster_Gay: Uve killed my poor gay heart

Disaster_Pan: My sweet sunshine boy??

Disaster_Lesbian: Be careful who you call a cinnamon roll in middle school because they can actually fucking kill you

Sunshine: I would never kill anyone

Sunshine: Unless they were mean to my boyfriends

Sunshine: Then shits gonna go down

Functional_Gay: Crutchie how are you so shredded

Sunshine: Everyday is arms day for me 💪

One: Crutch, I will pay you so much money to ditch Davey and Jack and join Henry Buttons and I instead

Of: ^^

Sunshine: Sorry Jojo, but I’m rather attached to my idiot boyfriends

Disaster_Gay: Not 2 mention crutchie would never get it up 4 buttons

One: Then I think I speak for all of us when I say we will forever be pining after you

Of: ^^

Each: ^^

Functional_Bi: ^^

Disaster_Pan: ^^

Distinguished_Bi: ^^

StraightWhiteBoi: ^^

Disaster_Bi: Mike youre not gay

StraightWhiteBoi: And yet I will forever pine after Crutchie

Sunshine: 😉

World’s Best Boyfriends

October 2nd 4:42 pm

MomFriend: Hey, Crutchie, why do you have a picture of both Jack and Spot without shirts on?

Sunshine: I like to go to the gym with them

MomFriend: Why though?

Sunshine: Did you not see the pic Dave? I think it’s pretty obvious why

Disaster_Bi: ;)

Disaster_Bi: You should come with us to the gym Davey

MomFriend: As much I do drool over your body, Jack, the gym gives me anxiety, so I’m going to have to pass on that offer.

Sunshine: Oh sorry babe. What about the gym gives you anxiety?

MomFriend: Just the people, and the atmosphere, and the thought of working out. It’s fine, I can see Jack without a shirt on at home instead.

Disaster_Bi: ;)

One Of Each

October 2nd 4:57 pm

Each: We should all go to the gym together sometime

Of: Somehow I think that you just want to watch me and Jojo workout 🤔

Each: WHAT!

Each: I would never!

Each: I have nothing but the desire to get into shape while spending time with my two favoritest people in the entire world!

Each: How dare you question my most purest of intentions!

Of: Mhmm 🤨

Of: Sure

One: I’d love to go to the gym with you guys!!

Each: See Jojo gets it!

One: 💚

Of: Mhmm 

Of: Sure I’ll go to the gym with you guys

Each: YAY!!

One: 😃

Of: I still don’t trust you though

Functional_Bi to let_me_leave_please

October 2nd 5:21 pm

Functional_Bi: Hey Spot

Functional_Bi: Can you show me and mike how to use the equipment at the gym sometime?

Functional_Bi: We don’t know how and we’re afraid to ask

let_me_leave_please: you dont know how the equipment works?

Functional_Bi: Just like some of the strength training stuff

Functional_Bi: We know how like treadmills and stuff work

let_me_leave_please: fine

Functional_Bi: Thanks Spot!!!

Functional_Bi: I’m sorry I said you had a bad personality

Functional_Bi: I’m sure you’re a really great guy to date

let_me_leave_please: stop talking before I decide not to help you after all

Functional_Bi: Sorry I’ll shut up now

Chapter Text

CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE

October 3rd 7:12 pm

Disaster_Bi: We should have a movie night

Functional_Gay: Yes

Disaster_Pan: Hell Yeah

Sunshine: Or

Sunshine: LotR marathon 

Distinguished_Bi: ^^

Functional_Bi: Why stop there

StraightWhiteBoi: Middle earth marathon

let_me_leave_please: the hobbit movies suck

Disaster_Pan: Wow

Disaster_Pan: THE Spot Conlon doesn’t like the action packed Hobbit movies

let_me_leave_please: the movies are nothing like the book they were just trying to recreate lotr thats why they added the whole being chased by orcs thing

let_me_leave_please: not to mention the whole romance between whats her name and kili that they contrived because they wanted a romance in what should have been more of a buddy cop type movie

let_me_leave_please: and i get that also they added whats her name so that it had any women but they didnt need legolas he wasnt in the book

let_me_leave_please: i just cant stand those movies

StraightWhiteBoi: …

Functional_Gay: …

Functional_Lesbian: …

Each: ...

Disaster_Pan: Wow

Functional_Bi: I think that’s the most I’ve ever seen Spot communicate at one time

Disaster_Bi: Who woulda thought that The Spot Conlon is a closeted nerd

let_me_leave_please: dont make me hurt you

Distinguished_Bi: I like the Hobbit movies.

Distinguished_Bi: They’re not true to the book, but I still enjoy them.

Distinguished_Bi: The beginning of An Unexpected Journey give me LIFE!

Sunshine: ^^

Sunshine: The whole good morning thing, and the dwarves showing up, and the SONG!!!

Distinguished_Bi: “I’m going on an adventure!”

let_me_leave_please: i dont mind the beginning

MomFriend: So Saturday will be a LotR marathon at our place. We’ll start at noon with Fellowship and keep going until we’re done. Everyone is welcome to come and go as needed.

One: YAAAASSS

Chapter Text

CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE

October 6th 4:44 pm

Disaster_Gay: Im bored entertain me

let_me_leave_please: no

CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE

October 6th 5:19 pm

Disaster_Gay: Booooooooored

Disaster_Bi: Want to play MASH

Disaster_Gay  Over txt?

Disaster_Bi: Yeah

Disaster_Gay: Ok

Disaster_Bi: Ok so spouses

Disaster_Gay: Chris Evans

Functional_Gay: Benedict Cumberbatch

Functional_Bi: Excuse me but Ben is MINE

Sunshine: Albert

StraightWhiteBoi: ^^

Functional_Lesbian: Ike

Functional_Bi: Sarah

Crossfire: The dean

Disaster_Pan: Spot

Functional_Bi: Mike

Disaster_Bi: Ok occupation

Each: Professional dumbass

Disaster_Gay: r00d

Disaster_Gay: Broadway dancer🕺

Of: Lion tamer 🦁

Sunshine: Horse jockey 🏇🏻

Disaster_Pan: Stripper

Functional_Gay: Billionaire playboy philanthropist

Disaster_Gay: Isnt it genius billionaire playboy philanthropist?

Functional_Lesbian: That’s unrealistic

Each: Indentured servant

One: Waiter

Disaster_Bi: Number of kids

Disaster_Gay: 1

MomFriend: Zero (Race should not have kids)

Disaster_Gay: I didnt realize we were playing the attack race game

Sunshine: 19

Disaster_Gay: O_O

Distinguished_Bi: 4

StraightWhiteBoi: 2

Disaster_Bi: Pet

Sunshine: Doggo! 🐶

One: Horse 🐎

Functional_Bi: Romeo 🌹

Disaster_Pan: Hey!

Distinguished_Bi: Turtle 🐢

Functional_Gay: Ants 🐜

Disaster_Lesbian: Jaguar! 

Crossfire: A dik dik

Of: ^^

Disaster_Bi: Ok transportation

Disaster_Pan: Ike

Disaster_Gay: Sports car 🚗

MomFriend: Bike 🚲

Functional_Lesbian: Race horse 🏇🏻

Crossfire: Magic carpet 

Disaster_Lesbian: Gondola 🚠

Distinguished_Bi: Roller skates 

Disaster_Bi: Ok now tell me when to stop

MomFriend: Stop

Disaster_Bi: 9

Disaster_Bi: Ok give me a minute

Disaster_Bi: Ok so Race will live in a shack with Albert, 1 kid, and a pet dik dik. He’ll be an indentured servant and ride around on a magic carpet

Disaster_Pan: RIP Race have fun being a servant

Each: Who lives in a shack

Disaster_Gay: I dont belive that u actually did that rite

Disaster_Gay: U just chose what u wanted

Disaster_Bi: You think I wanted you to have 1 kid and a flying carpet?

Disaster_Bi: I really did do it

Disaster_Bi: This is just what you get

Disaster_Bi: Deal with it

Disaster_Gay: 🤨

World’s Best Boyfriends

October 6th 6:31 pm

Sunshine: Hey Jack, did you really play fair?

Disaster_Bi: Mostly

Disaster_Bi: I didnt make him an indentured servant on purpose but Im pretty glad it worked out that way

MomFriend: Mostly?

Disaster_Bi: I might have made him marry Albert but I didnt mess with anything else

MomFriend: Jack I told you not to meddle.

Disaster_Bi: ITS A GAME OF MASH DAVEY IT DOESNT COUNT

MomFriend: If it doesn’t count then why did you do it?

Disaster_Bi: Cuz I wanted to Dave

Sunshine: Wow this looks like a heated discussion about something that doesn’t matter

MomFriend: He’s meddling!

Disaster_Bi: It doesnt matter!

Sunshine: ...ok so I’m gonna watch Big Hero Six, if you guys ever want to stop

Disaster_Bi: Ok see you in a few <3

MomFriend: I love you guys

Sunshine: 😘

CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE

October 6th 6:53 on

StraightWhiteBoi: Ok but the real question is WHY is Race an indentured servant?

Disaster_Lesbian: He probably lost a bet tbh

Functional_Bi: Ok accurate

Disaster_Gay: Excuse u i never lose a bet

Functional_Lesbian: That’s probably why you bet your personal freedom.

Of: But who did he make a bet with?

One: I’m guessing either Katherine or Davey

StraightWhiteBoi: I’m guessing Crutchie

Each: My money’s on Sniper

Functional_Bi: I’m gonna go with Spot

MomFriend: I would never let Race raise a child in a shack.

One: But is that your only qualm here?

MomFriend: Pretty much

Sunshine: I would never let Race own a flying carpet

Crossfire: I wouldn’t let him have a dik dik

let_me_leave_please: i dont want him

Disaster_Bi: So that settles it Race is Kath’s servant

Distinguished_Bi: Race, do my laundry

Disaster_Gay: Ill clean all ur whites with a red sock in hot water

Distinguished_Bi: You wouldn’t

Disaster_Gay: Watch me

Chapter Text

CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE

October 9th 3:53 pm

Disaster_Gay sent an image

Disaster_Gay: 😭😭😭 y is he so beautiful?

ResidentCryptid: Why are you so goddamn thirsty

Disaster_Pan: Cryptid!

Sunshine: CRYPTID

Functional_Gay: CRYPTIF

Disaster_Bi: CRYPTID

ResidentCryptid: 🖕

ResidentCryptid: I don’t see why I’m the cryptid when @ThatGayOverThere has been in this chat the whole time and has never. Said. Anything.

Disaster_Bi: Wait

Disaster_Bi: Who is that?

Disaster_Pan: Idk

Functional_Gay: Idk

Sunshine: Idk

Of: No idea

One: I noticed the username when Race started this chat but Gay was in the name so I figured it was someone we knew and then I just kinda forgot

Functional_Lesbian: Race who tf did you put in this chat?

Disaster_Gay: Wait

Disaster_Gay: Shit

Disaster_Gay: Who is that

StraightWhiteBoi: YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW?

Disaster_Bi: Wtf Race

ThatGayOverThere: Lol sup bitches

One: Who are you!?!?

ThatGayOverThere: I could tell you but honestly i’m having too much fun

let_me_leave_please: we could just delete you from the chat

ThatGayOverThere: D:

ThatGayOverThere: Ok fine

ThatGayOverThere: How about this, you guys can ask me 20 yes/no questions and if you can guess who I am then I will tell you, if you can’t then I will leave and you’ll never know who I am

Disaster_Bi: Seems fair to me

StraightWhiteBoi: Fun game I guess

Disaster_Gay: Ur on

ThatGayOverThere: Game on then

ThatGayOverThere: 20 questions go

Disaster_Gay: Do I know u?

ThatGayOverThere: Yes

Distinguished_Bi: Do the rest of us know you?

ThatGayOverThere: Sorta

Disaster_Pan: Sorta?

ThatGayOverThere: Yep

Functional_Lesbian: Would we recognize you if we saw you in person?

ThatGayOverThere: Probably

Sunshine: Probably?

ThatGayOverThere: Some of you probably aren’t that good with faces

Functional_Gay: Fair

let_me_leave_please: are you a serial killer

ThatGayOverThere: Nah

let_me_leave_please: hmm

Disaster_Bi: Are you a college student?

ThatGayOverThere: Yep

StraightWhiteBoi: Do you go to our school?

Disaster_Pan: Are you from NYC?

ThatGayOverThere: Yes and yes

Functional_Gay: Do we know your name?

ThatGayOverThere: Yeah

One: Are you friends with anyone in this chat?

ThatGayOverThere: Yes

Disaster_Bi: Other than Race?

ThatGayOverThere: Yep

Functional_Gay: Do they know who they are?

ThatGayOverThere: Yes

StraightWhiteBoi: Is your friend one of the guys?

ThatGayOverThere: They’re not going to rat me out if that’s what you’re thinking

ThatGayOverThere: I paid good money for their silence

let_me_leave_please: hmm

MomFriend: Are you a male?

ThatGayOverThere: Yes

Distinguished_Bi: How many questions do we have left?

ThatGayOverThere: 8 because I’m nice and not counting clarification questions

Distinguished_Bi: Ok so far we know that Race knows him, someone else is friends with him, the rest of us could at least recognize him, he’s from NYC and goes to our school, and he (probably) isn’t a serial killer.

ThatGayOverThere: I’m not a serial killer

ResidentCryptid: Is your hair brown?

ThatGayOverThere: No

Sunshine: Blond?

ThatGayOverThere: No

One: Red

ThatGayOverThere: Yes

ResidentCryptid: Wait wait wait

ResidentCryptid: Oh my god Race you dumbass

ThatGayOverThere: By jove I think he’s got it

StraightWhiteBoi: What?

Distinguished_Bi: No way

Disaster_Gay: I dont get it

Distinguished_Bi: Race, think for a moment. A ginger male that you know.

Disaster_Gay: Um…

ResidentCryptid: And the rest of us would recognize

Distinguished_Bi: Possibly because you talk about him all. The. Time.

ResidentCryptid: And send us pics of him like everyday

Disaster_Gay: !!!

Disaster_Gay: Oh god no

Disaster_Gay: Plz tell me I didn’t

One: Oh

Of: My

Each: GAWD

MomFriend: Racetrack Higgins

MomFriend: Please tell me that you did not start a group chat so that you could thirst after a boy,

MomFriend: And then add said boy to said chat.

Disaster_Bi: Omfg Racer

Crossfire: Lol

Functional_Lesbian: I guess there’s a reason why he’s the disaster gay.

Disaster_Gay: Plz kill me

ThatGayOverThere: Say it

Disaster_Gay: Albert

ThatGayOverThere sent a photo

It’s a selfie that shows Albert and Sniper both sticking their tongues out at the camera

Disaster_Lesbian: Wait Sniper!?

Crossfire: Lol yeah

Crossfire: Did I not mention that Al and I are friends?

Disaster_Gay: Excuse me as I go die of shame

Crossfire: Well if it makes you feel better, Albert was also pining hard

Crossfire sent five images

_____________

Need Me Some Vitamin D

September 5th 4:08 pm

ThatGayOverThere: So there was this really cute dude in my dance class and we exchanged numbers and I added myself to some of his socials and he accidentally added me to a group chat

iwannaflyaway: How do you know it was an accident?

ThatGayOverThere: Cuz he started out by sending a pic of me and complaining to his friends that I was hot

iwannaflyaway: Thirsty

Crossfire: Ask him out 

_____________

Need Me Some Vitamin D

September 20th 4:03 pm

ThatGayOverThere sent a video

that’s clearly Race in a dance studio about to start a dance

ThatGayOverThere: He is literally an angel I am SOFT

I_will_eat_you: GAy

IliketheCRONCH: gay

iwannaflyaway: GAAAAAAAAY

Crossfire: Gay

_____________

Need Me Some Vitamin D

October 2nd 4:27 pm

ThatGayOverThere: GUYS!!!

ThatGayOverThere: HE THINKS I’M HOT

iwannaflyaway: We know this yes

ThatGayOverThere: I DID A SOLO TODAY WITHOUT A SHIRT ON AND HE TOOK PICS!!!

StuckOnYou: So stop wearing a shirt

iwannaflyaway: ^^^

iwannaflyaway: Yes shirtless Al forever please

Crossfire: You? Have a boyfriend?

_______________

Need Me Some Vitamin D

I_will_eat_you: Who would also like to see Al shirtless please

StuckOnYou: Gay

Crossfire: Gay

IliketheCRONCH: gay

IliketheCRONCH: but also super relatable send PICS!!!

ThatGayOverThere sent a photo

It’s a photo that Race had taken of Albert in dance class without a shirt on

_______________

Need Me Some Vitamin D

ThatGayOverThere sent a photo

iwannaflyaway: YEEEESSSSSSS

IliketheCRONCH: I stan those ABS

I_will_eat_you: Petition to steal all of Al’s shirts

StuckOnYou: Aye

IliketheCRONCH: aye

iwannaflyaway: Aye

Crossfire: Gay

_________________

Functional_Lesbian renamed the chat That’s So Gay

Distinguished_Bi: They’re made for each other

Each: I Ship it

Disaster_Bi: Y’all better go out now

Chapter Text

That’s So Gay

October 10th 11:21 am

Crossfire: I’m adding the rest of my friends to this chat

Functional_Lesbian: The one’s from the screenshots?

Crossfire: Yea

Each: Do it

Crossfire added IliketheCRONCH, I_will_eat_you, StuckOnYou, and iwannaflyaway to the chat

iwannaflyaway: Is this where the thirsty boi is?

Crossfire: Yea

iwannaflyaway: Where is he

Disaster_Bi: @Disaster_Gay, theyre looking for you 

ThatGayOverThere: Race says “fuck off”

Each: He’s with you!?!?

StuckOnYou: oooOOOooo

IliketheCRONCH: gay

ThatGayOverThere sent an image

The image is of Race on the other side of a McDonald's booth, with his head on the table and covered by his arms

I_will_eat_you: GAy

iwannaflyaway: Gay

Disaster_Bi: GAY

IliketheCRONCH: GET IT ALIBOO!!!

ThatGayOverThere: 🖕

let_me_leave_please: as this chat started with race being thirsty i would now like to thirst as well

Distinguished_Bi: Go ahead, Spot

let_me_leave_please sent an image

The image is a boy with dark curly hair who’s looking down at his phone standing towards the  edge of a hallway

let_me_leave_please: hes cute and i just

iwannaflyaway: OMFG!!!! 😂😂😂

Crossfire: Why is this chat such a disaster?🤦🏽‍♀️

IliketheCRONCH: I’m sensing a theme here

ThatGayOverThere: LOLOLOLOL

Disaster_Bi: What?

StuckOnYou: That’s

StuckOnYou: That’s me!!!!!!!??!

let_me_leave_please: …

let_me_leave_please has left the chat

StuckOnYou: WAIT NO!!!!

StuckOnYou: Who was that?

Disaster_Bi: Lol that was my brother Spot

StuckOnYou: IS HE CUTE?!?!?

Disaster_Bi sent an image 

StuckOnYou: !!!!!!!

StuckOnYou: Cute boy!!!!!!

StuckOnYou: Bring him back!!!!!

Disaster_Bi added let_me_leave_please to the chat

StuckOnYou: CUTE BOY!!!!!

StuckOnYou: DATE ME!!!!!

iwannaflyaway: Gay

IliketheCRONCH: calm down El

ResidentCryptid: Wait is that my boyfriend?

IliketheCRONCH: Blinky!!!!! 💙💙💙

ResidentCryptid: Mushy!!💖

ThatGayOverThere: Gay

Disaster_Pan: Since when does Blink have a bf!?!?

let_me_leave_please: why cant you all just let me die in peace

StuckOnYou: DON'T DIE!!!!

ResidentCryptid: A while I just didn’t feel like telling you

StuckOnYou: GO ON A DATE WITH ME!!!!

let_me_leave_please: ok

StuckOnYou: :DDD

I_will_eat_you: GAy

Distinguished_Bi: Shut up, it’s LOVE

Disaster_Pan: Is not one else bothered that Blink had a bf and just didn’t feel like telling us

Functional_Lesbian: What did you expect? He’s the Cryptid 

Disaster_Pan: :/

That’s So Gay

October 10th 2:31 pm

iwannaflyaway: Wait who all is dating?

Disaster_Bi: Me (Jack) Davey (MomFriend) and Crutchie (Sunshine)

Disaster_Bi: And we’re all male

Functional_Lesbian: Katherine (Distinguished_Bi) and I (Sarah), we’re female, obviously

Crossfire: Smalls (Disaster_lesbian) and me

IliketheCRONCH: me and Blink (ResidentCryptid)

Each: Me (Buttons, female), Jojo (One, NB) and Henry (Of, male)

Of: Because we’re one of each 😝

Disaster_Pan: Me (Romeo) and Specs (Functional_Gay)

Disaster_Bi: I think thats it

iwannaflyaway: Cool

iwannaflyaway: I’m Finch (male) and I’m dating Tommy Boy (I_will_eat_you)

iwannaflyaway: StuckOnYou is Elmer (male)

StraightWhiteBoi: I’m Mike (the token straight person), my twin brother Ike (Functional_Bi) is also here

Functional_Bi: We’re both single

Disaster_Bi: How are Race and Albert doing?

Disaster_Gay sent an image

The image is a selfie of Race smiling at the camera while Albert kisses him on the cheek

Disaster_Pan: GET IT RACE!!!!!

Each: OMG!!!

iwannaflyaway: THATS!! SO!! GAAAAAAAY!!!!!!

Functional_Lesbian: My skin has cleared

IliketheCRONCH: my crops are flourishing

Of: My grades are up

Disaster_Lesbian: My depression is cured

Chapter Text

Need Me Some Vitamin D

October 10th 7:09 pm

StuckOnYou: Hey so I was reading back through That’s So Gay and I have a question

iwannaflyaway: What is it El?

StuckOnYou: How much did Albert pay Sniper for her to not say anything?

ThatGayOverThere: A lot

ThatGayOverThere: Taking Race to McDonalds depleted the rest of my funds 

ThatGayOverThere: I can’t afford to do laundry

ThatGayOverThere: I have no dinner

ThatGayOverThere: But it was totally #worthit

StuckOnYou: Was it though?

ThatGayOverThere: I got the boy

iwannaflyaway: You could have gotten the boi if you had just asked him out

Crossfire: That’s what I told him, but hey I got money out of it

Crossfire: So I’m cool

ThatGayOverThere: Shut up

IliketheCRONCH: hey Albo I got a shit ton of ramen in my closet if you want to, you know, EAT

ThatGayOverThere: Ew the closet

I_will_eat_you: How come you didn’t have to pay Mush?

ThatGayOverThere: I didn’t know his boyfriend was in the chat

IliketheCRONCH: yeah I didn’t know he was either

Crossfire: Oh RIP Mush you coulda made bank off of Albert

IliketheCRONCH: damn

iwannaflyaway: But if you’d taken all of Al’s money then he couldn’t have gone out with the boi

IliketheCRONCH: that’s true

IliketheCRONCH: you’re welcome Albo

ThatGayOverThere: 🙄

I_will_eat_you: Changing the subject let’s talk about Spot 

iwannaflyaway: Oh yeah! What do we know about him

Crossfire: He hates the Hobbit movies

IliketheCRONCH: he’s Jack’s brother 

ThatGayOverThere: He’s Race’s ex

iwannaflyaway: Oof

StuckOnYou: Oh no! Is that going to be awkward???

ThatGayOverThere: Well Jack said they broke up like three years ago 

Crossfire: And they seem fine in the chat and when I’ve seen them in person

iwannaflyaway: If only we had an inside source

IliketheCRONCH: we do

IliketheCRONCH added ResidentCryptid to the chat

iwannaflyaway: Oh smart!

ResidentCryptid: Why am I here Mush?

IliketheCRONCH: we have questions about your friends and you’re just the guy to answer them

ResidentCryptid: Why me though? Why not Smalls 

Crossfire: You guys have been going out longer

ThatGayOverThere: You have the same vibe as us

ResidentCryptid: Fine what do you guys want?

StuckOnYou: Spot and Race use to date?

ResidentCryptid: I guess? I didn’t know them then though

iwannaflyaway: But you know them now

ResidentCryptid: Yeah and?

ThatGayOverThere: Do they act like exes?

IliketheCRONCH: are they weird around each other

I_will_eat_you: Is it going to be weird for them that El and Al are best friends?

ResidentCryptid: Uh 

ResidentCryptid: Nah I don't think so

ResidentCryptid: I mean Spot’s a little… you know

ResidentCryptid: But he's like that with everyone sooo

ResidentCryptid: I think you guys should be good

ThatGayOverThere: Nice

StuckOnYou: Thanks Blink!

IliketheCRONCH: love you babe!

ResidentCryptid: Yeah yeah, did you guys want anything else?

Crossfire: Is Katherine rich?

ThatGayOverThere: Are Sarah and Davey related?

ResidentCryptid: Yes and yes

ResidentCryptid: Sarah and Davey are twins

ResidentCryptid: I’m not sure that Jack knows that though

I_will_eat_you: Jack who is dating Davey?

StuckOnYou: You think Jack doesn’t know his own boyfriend has a twin?

Crossfire: A twin that he is friends with?

ResidentCryptid: This is unconfirmed, but Jack IS a dumbass so who knows

Crossfire: Did Jack and Katherine use to date?

ResidentCryptid: I think maybe they did in high school? 

ResidentCryptid: Idk a lot of them went to high school together

ResidentCryptid: Like I think it’s just me, Sarah, Davey, Buttons, Smalls, and Specs who didn’t go to high school with everyone else

ResidentCryptid: Though it’s my thought that someone botched summoning a demon and got Mike and Ike on accident

iwannaflyaway: So were Jojo and Henry dating before they met Buttons?

ResidentCryptid: No actually I got to see those three get together

ResidentCryptid: It was awkward

ResidentCryptid: Like when two guys who clearly like each other keep saying “no homo” after everything

ThatGayOverThere: 👀

StuckOnYou: *cough cough* TB and Finch

iwannaflyaway: We were NOT that bad

Crossfire: “Wow Tommy, you got a nice ass no homo though” -Finch Cortes, December 13 2017

iwannaflyaway: I plead the 5th

Crossfire: That’s what I thought

I_will_eat_you: Aw babe you had a crush on me?

iwannaflyaway: No homo though 

I_will_eat_you: But full bromo right bro

iwannaflyaway: Of course bro! I love you bro no homo

I_will_eat_you: Aw bro! No homo bro

IliketheCRONCH: i hate you guys 

ResidentCryptid: Yeah you guys are gonna fit in just fine

Crossfire: I just pm-ed Jack and asked if Davey had any siblings and his response was “I am NOT falling for THAT again”

ThatGayOverThere: So he didn’t know before but he knows now

IliketheCRONCH: or he thinks that they’re not related and people are trying to prank him

ResidentCryptid: Could be either tbh

iwannaflyaway: Is that better or worse than the whole Taylor thing?

StuckOnYou: WE DONT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE TAYLOR THING

Crossfire: ooOo tea!

I_will_eat_you: What's the Taylor thing

ThatGayOverThere: Well you see 

StuckOnYou: I hate you guys

iwannaflyaway: In high school Elmer has this crush on this girl who was a grade above us

ThatGayOverThere: But He also had a crush on a boy a grade above us

iwannaflyaway: He was very conflicted

ThatGayOverThere: Until one day

iwannaflyaway: He asked the girl out

StuckOnYou: Can’t we just end the story here?

IliketheCRONCH: No way El, I need to hear this 

ThatGayOverThere: But the boy showed up to the date

iwannaflyaway: So Elmer gets super embarrassed and thinks that they’re both trying to make fun of him

ThatGayOverThere: So he confronts the boy about it

iwannaflyaway: But it turns out the boy and the girl are the same genderfluid person

ThatGayOverThere: And they thought Elmer knew that

iwannaflyaway: And so Elmer DIED of embarrassment

ThatGayOverThere: The end

StuckOnYou: I truly hate you guys

ThatGayOverThere: Awww Ellyyyyyyyy

Crossfire: I can’t breath

ResidentCryptid: I think that might be worse than Jack

I_will_eat_you: Hey Blink, Spot is just a guy right? Nothing to confuse Elmer with

ResidentCryptid: Yep I think Elmer will recognize Spot as being the same person 100% of the time

StuckOnYou: Maybe the big chat will have people who are better friends to me

ThatGayOverThere: ❤️❤️❤️

Chapter Text

That’s So Gay

October 13th 3:59 pm

Disaster_Bi: @Sunshine, MomFriend, iwannaflyaway, IliketheCRONCH, One, Of, Each, ThatGayOverThere, ResidentCryptid, I_will_eat_you, Crossfire, let_me_leave_please, StuckOnYou, StraightWhiteBoi

Disaster_Bi: Y’all need better nicknames

I_will_eat_you: exCUSE ME?

MomFriend: Not this again, Jack.

StuckOnYou: Not what again?

Sunshine: Jack wants everyone to have their username be that alignment chart (you know the one)

Disaster_Bi: Actually Crutchie, this time I’m thinking the Edgy/Depressed/Dumbass X Bitch/Thot/Bastard alignment chart

Crossfire: @StuckOnYou is a Dumbass Thot

StuckOnYou: Well you’re an Edgy Bitch

Crossfire: Thank you

Crossfire changed their name to Edgy_Bitch

Edgy_Bitch changed StuckOnYou to Dumbass_Thot

Dumbass_Thot: Fuck you Snipes!

Disaster_Lesbian: Excuse me that’s my job

One changed their name to Edgy_Thot

Edgy_Thot changed Of to Depressed_Bastard

Edgy_Thot changed Each to Dumbass_Bitch

Dumbass_Bitch: I love it Jojo

IliketheCRONCH changed their name to Dumbass_Bastard

I_will_eat_you changed their name to Depressed_Thot

MomFriend: Hey Jack, you know this alignment chart only has nine options, and you tagged fourteen people as needing to change their names?

Disaster_Bi: Lawful/Neutral/Chaotic X Tired/Stupid/Nerd

Functional_Lesbian changed MomFriend to Lawful_Nerd

Disaster_Bi changed let_me_leave_please to Edgy_Bastard

Edgy_Bastard: no

Edgy_Bastard changed their name to spot_conlon

Disaster_Gay changed spot_conlon to edgy_bastard

Disaster_Gay: Respect his #aesthetic Jack

edgy_bastard: 🖕

Sunshine changed their name to Neutral_Tired

ThatGayOverThere changed Disaster_Gay to Chaotic_Stupid

Chaotic_Stupid: U wanna fight Albie

Chaotic_Stupid changed ThatGayOverThere to Lawful_Stupid

iwannaflyaway changed Dumbass_Thot to Neutral_Stupid

Neutral_Stupid: Well I like that better but why are you guys bullying me

edgy_bastard: dont worry elmer youre a cute stupid

Neutral_Stupid: :D

Neutral_Stupid: Wait

iwannaflyaway changed their name to Dumbass_Thot

Neutral_Stupid: You changed my name because you wanted it?

Dumbass_Thot: I want to match Tommy

Edgy_Bitch: Thot behaviour

StraightWhiteBoi changed their name to Chaotic_Tired

Functional_Bi changed their name to Lawful_Tired

Disaster_Bi: That just leaves Blink

Dumbass_Bastard changed ResidentCryptid to Chaotic_Nerd

Chapter Text

This Is HALLOWEEN

October 20th 2:58 am

Chaotic_Stupid: MOTHMAN

Disaster_Bi: Not again

Lawful_Stupid: There’s no need to feel down

Chaotic_Stupid: I said

Disaster_Bi: Shit theres two of them

Neutral_Stupid: MOTHMAN

Disaster_Bi: No Elmer not you too

Lawful_Stupid: Pick that man off the ground

Chaotic_Stupid: I said

Lawful_Stupid: MOTHMAN

Neutral_Stupid: Swing your new friend around

Disaster_Bi: I hate all three of you

Chaotic_Stupid: Cuz it fun 

Lawful_Stupid: To

Neutral_Stupid: Swing 

Chaotic_Stupid: A

Neutral_Stupid: Hu

edgy_bastard: man

Chaotic_Stupid: !!!

Disaster_Bi: BETRAYED

edgy_bastard: what can i say i have to support my neutral stupid boyfriend

Neutral_Stupid: 💖💖💖

Chaotic_Stupid: Awww Spottie has feelings

edgy_bastard: i will hurt you

Lawful_Stupid: Most of those feelings are anger

This Is HALLOWEEN

October 20th 3:14 pm

Disaster_Bi: I currently have seven empty sketchbooks and no clue what to put in them

Disaster_Bi: Any suggestions?

Lawful_Stupid: Put spaghetti in it

Disaster_Bi: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you

Chaotic_Stupid: Put spaghetti in it

Disaster_Bi: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you two

Neutral_Stupid: Put spaghetti in it

Disaster_Bi: I am no longer taking suggestions

edgy_bastard: i dont know why youre asking for suggestions we all know that youre going to sketch a lot of davey a lot of crutchie a little bit of katherine and at least one of the rest of us to make yourself seem less sad and piney

Disaster_Bi: I am NOT pining

Functional_Lesbian: Jack’s pining after Kath?

edgy_bastard: no he just seems like he is because he likes to draw her

Disaster_Bi: SHES GOT REALLY NICE FACIAL FEATURES NO HETERO

Distinguished_Bi: Why thank you, Jack. My father paid good money for this face.

Chaotic_Tired: 0:

Lawful_Tired: :0

Chaotic_Stupid: Really?

Distinguished_Bi: No. It was a joke. I am all natural

Functional_Lesbian: 😘

This Is HALLOWEEN

October 20th 6:23 pm

Disaster_Bi: What should I eat for dinner?

Neutral_Stupid: Eat the spaghetti from your sketchbook

Disaster_Bi removed Neutral_Stupid from the chat

Disaster_Bi: Anyone else?

Lawful_Stupid: Hmm

Chaotic_Stupid: Um…

Disaster_Bi: Yes?

Chaotic_Stupid: Eat the spaghetti

Disaster_Bi removed Chaotic_Stupid from the chat

Lawful_Stupid: From your sketchbook

Disaster_Bi removed Lawful_Stupid from the chat 

Chapter Text

This Is HALLOWEEN

October 21st 8:24 am

edgy_bastard added Neutral_Stupid to the chat

edgy_bastard added Lawful_Stupid to the chat

This Is HALLOWEEN

October 21st 10:56 am

Lawful_Stupid added Chaotic_Stupid to the chat

Chaotic_Stupid : The best part of having a boyfriend is having someone remember to add me back to the chat

Lawful_Stupid: 💜💜💜

Chaotic_Stupid: 😘😘😘

Lawful_Stupid: 💕💕💕

Depressed_Thot: Gay

Chapter Text

This Is HALLOWEEN

October 29th 12:28 pm

Dumbass_Thot: So what is everyone doing for Halloween?

Lawful_Nerd: Halloween is on Wednesday.

Dumbass_Thot: Thanks Davey I had no idea

Lawful_Nerd: I just mean that we can’t just spend all night partying, we have school on Thursday.

Chaotic_Stupid: Who cares

Dumbass_Thot: Who cares?

Lawful_Stupid: wHo CaReS

Lawful_Tired: wHO CARES???

Disaster_Pan: No one

Disaster_Pan: No one cares Davey 

Disaster_Bi: Y’all wanna have a party?

Disaster_Lesbian: Y’all 

Distinguished_Bi: y’all 

Neutral_Tired: Y’all 

Depressed_Thot: Y’all

Disaster_Bi: Ok Ok I get it Can we move on

Dumbass_Bastard: no

Disaster_Bi: Fine then y’all’re officially uninvited to my Halloween party

Disaster_Pan: Y’all’re

Functional_Lesbian: Y’all’re

Dumbass_Bitch: Y’all’re

Neutral_Stupid: Y’all’re

Disaster_Bi has left the chat

edgy_bastard: good

Neutral_Tired: Babe no!

Neutral_Tired added Disaster_Bi to the chat

Edgy_Thot: So party on Wednesday?

Lawful_Nerd: It’s a school night

Dumbass_Bastard: we already decided that we don’t care

Functional_Lesbian: Yeah David, keep up!

Functional_Gay: It’s only one night Davey, it’ll be fine

Lawful_Stupid: Unless you have a test the next day

Lawful_Nerd: DO YOU HAVE A TEST THE NEXT DAY??

Lawful_Stupid: No, Davey chill

Chaotic_Tired: We should watch Halloween movies

Depressed_Bastard: Or we could just watch LotR again

Chaotic_Stupid: No we should watch horror movies

Neutral_Stupid: CHARLIE BROWN

Dumbass_Bitch: Nightmare Before Christmas duh

Depressed_Bastard: Isn’t that a Christmas movie?

Lawful_Stupid: Watch it on Thanksgiving because most of it takes place BETWEEN Halloween and Christmas

Functional_Lesbian: Ah yes, the perfect Thanksgiving movie

Edgy_Thot: If your costume game is not on point then we can’t be friends anymore

Edgy_Thot: Sorry I don't make the rules

Chaotic_Stupid: My costume will b the scariest thing I can think of 

Chaotic_Stupid: Smalls’s face

Disaster_Lesbian: Time to throw down!

Disaster_Lesbian: 5pm behind the PAC

Disaster_Lesbian: Bring a spoon

Chaotic_Stupid: Ur on

Dumbass_Bastard: what's the spoon for?

Disaster_Pan: For a spoon fight Mush gawd

Chaotic_Stupid: Yeah keep up would u

Functional_Lesbian: If anyone receives a University Alert about a spoon fight you’ll know what’s up

Disaster_Pan: I can see it now ‘Campus police are currently searching for two suspects believed to have been having a spoon fight behind the PAC @ 5pm. The suspects are reported to be a twenty-foot-tall blond man estimated early twenties, and a two-inch-tall woman with dark hair late teens to early twenties. If you have any information about the suspects please contact University Police. Thank you’

Disaster_Lesbian: …

Disaster_Lebian: Did you really just write up an official looking University Alert just to make fun of my height???

Chaotic_Stupid: And mine???

Dumbass_Thot: Dedication to the BURN

Disaster_Bi: If Smalls is 2 inches tall then how tall is Spot?

edgy_bastard: tall enough to punch you in the dick

Distinguished_Bi: Guys gals and non-binary pals we have, as usual, gotten off topic and dangerously close to murder

Neutral_Tired: What's the topic?

Functional_Gay: What movies are we going to watch on Halloween

Chaotic_Nerd: Can I make a suggestion without being called a cryptid

Distinguished_Bi: No

Disaster_Bi: CRyptid!

Depressed_Bastard: CRYPTID!!

Edgy_Thot: cRYPTID!!!!

Distinguished_Bi: Ok now you may continue

Chaotic_Nerd: Thank

Chaotic_Nerd: My suggestion is we put all the movie options in a hat and draw randomly

Disaster_Pan: Oh that’s actually a good idea

Chaotic_Nerd: Thank

Functional_Lesbian: How many movies are we watching?

Lawful_Stupid: As many as we can 

Chaotic_Stupid: All night no sleep

Lawful_Nerd: We have class the next day!

Dumbass_Bastard: Davey we don’t c a r e

Disaster_Lesbian: A l l  n i g h t  n o  s l e e p

Functional_Gay: It’s just one night Davey

Neutral_Tired: It’ll be fine Dave ❤️

Neutral_Tired: You can go to bed whenever you want and the rest of us will just suffer the next day

Lawful_Nerd: Fine. 

Disaster_Bi: Eh! Party!

Chapter Text

This Is HALLOWEEN

October 31st 11:25 am

Edgy_Thot: More people need to wear Halloween costumes to class

Chaotic_Tired: EXACTLY!! It’s Halloween people! Where’s your ghostly spirit???

Neutral_Stupid: Get spoopy people!

Neutral_Tired: My costume is a homicidal maniac

Lawful_Nerd: How is that a homicidal maniac?

Neutral_Tired: They look just like everyone else Davey

Dumbass_Bitch: Hey when does the party start?

Depressed_Bastard: Also where is it?

Distinguished_Bi: I thought we already went over that the party is at Jack, Crutchie, and Davey’s place

Depressed_Bastard: Oh that was a definite decision?

Neutral_Tired: Yeah, this way Davey can get his 8 hours of sleep, Jack and I have a bed to go to when we’re tired, and the rest of you can die on the floor where you belong 😁

Lawful_Tired: Sometimes Crutchie says really dark things and it creeps me out

Chaotic_Tired: Maybe the homicidal maniac isn’t a costume at all

Neutral_Tired: 😁

Disaster_Pan: Crutchie is ready to commit Homie-cide

This Is HALLOWEEN

October 31st 2:46 pm

Dumbass_Bitch: No one ever answered my question

Edgy_Bitch: What question?

Dumbass_Bitch: When’s the party???

Neutral_Tired: Well I’m done with classes already so we can start now if you want 

Dumbass_Bitch: My class ends in a minute, then I’ll make my way over

Disaster_Pan: Wait for me Buttons! I’m almost done

Edgy_Bitch: Same

Dumbass_Bitch: Ok I’ll meet you guys in front of the library

Neutral_Tired: Everyone else can come over whenever they want

This Is HALLOWEEN

October 31st 4:08 pm

Dumbass_Thot: Hey where do Jack Davey and Crutchie live?

Lawful_Stupid: I know where

Dumbass_Bastard: no he really doesn’t 

Lawful_Stupid: I KNOW WHERE WERE GOING MUSH

Dumbass_Bastard: nO YOU FUCKING DONT

Disaster_Bi: Are you guys lost?

Lawful_Stupid: NO

Dumbass_Bastard: yES

edgy_bastard: where are you guys ill come get you 

Dumbass_Bastard: thank you

Lawful_Stupid: I KNOW WHERE WERE GOING

Chaotic_Stupid: Is that y u guys arent here yet

Dumbass_Bastard: oh wait never mind Spot, we’re here

Lawful_Stupid: I told you I knew where we were going

Dumbass_Thot: None of this helps me

Lawful_Stupid: Eleven up and one over you simple bitch

Dumbass_Thot: ...is it actually???

Edgy_Bitch: Shit it really is

Neutral_Stupid: It’s a grid system mothafucka

Edgy_Thot: Wow

Edgy_Thot: Convenient 

Dumbass_Thot: Are Tommy and I the only ones not there yet?

Disaster_Bi: We’re still waiting on Kath and Sarah who are bringing the candy and Mike and Ike who are bringing the pizzas

Chaotic_Tired: The perks of having a family owned pizza shop

Neutral_Tired: Get here soon. The next movie is Addams Family Values

Functional_Gay: I was on the Telephone with Blockbuster Video

Disaster_Lesbian: Which is a very old fashioned thing to say

Functional_Lesbian: DO NOT START ADDAMS FAMILY WITHOUT US!!!!

Dumbass_Bitch: Wednesday’s at that age when she only has one thing on her mind

Depressed_Bastard: Boys?

Dumbass_Bitch: Homicide

Edgy_Bitch: Bitch me too

Neutral_Tired: That’s such a mood ☺️

Chaotic_Tired: 😧

Dumbass_Thot: A child dressed as Captain America ran up to us and asked for candy and Tommy yelled “be gone thot!”

Disaster_Pan: Bold words coming from someone whose username calls him a thot

Functional_Gay: Why did he call a child a thot

Depressed_Thot: She startled me

Dumbass_Thot: We could clearly see her approaching us. He pointed her out because she was dressed as Captain America

Depressed_Thot: Children freak me out ok

Dumbass_Thot: The girl responded “whatever dick” and kicked him in the shin

Lawful_Stupid: Classic

Disaster_Bi: @Distinguished_Bi, Functional_Lesbian, Dumbass_Thot, Depressed_Thot are you guys almost here? Mike and Ike just got here with the pizzas

Depressed_Thot: We’re a block away

Functional_Lesbian: We just parked

Distinguished_Bi: Can you guys help us with the candy

Dumbass_Thot: No prob

Depressed_Thot: Well shit I hope you guys like cavities O_O

Neutral_Tired: Kath’s rich

Chaotic_Stupid: She buys us the good good

Lawful_Nerd: No

Chaotic_Stupid: That dank grass

Lawful_Nerd: Stop

Chaotic_Stupid: The old Mary Jane

Dumbass_Bastard: Katherine brought weed?

Functional_Gay: No, Race is just trying to annoy Davey

Chaotic_Stupid: I dont need kath to bring me weed I already have some on me

Lawful_Nerd: Racetrack Higgins if you even THINK about smoking in my apartment

Lawful_Stupid: Chill Davey, we’re gonna smoke on your fire escape

Lawful_Nerd: Bold of you to assume I won’t lock you out there. 

Chaotic_Stupid: Bold of U to assume that we WONT shout bloody murder for all of ur neighbors to hear if you lock us out there

Lawful_Nerd: ...touché 

This Is HALLOWEEN

November 1st 6:31 am

Lawful_Nerd: Good morning everyone in my living room. I hope you all had a good time last night because there are still classes today, and if anyone is still here when I get back from mine then they will learn just how much I don’t care about their hangover that I warned them about.

Distinguished_Bi: 🖕🖕🖕

Distinguished_Bi renamed the chat All Hallows Hangover

Chapter Text

All Hallows Hangover

November 2nd 5:02 pm

Disaster_Bi: So when should we have another party?

Neutral_Tired: Tomorrow

Disaster_Pan: Today

Edgy_Thot: Right now

Disaster_Lesbian: 15 minutes ago

Dumbass_Thot: I’m actually pulling up to your building right now

Lawful_Stupid: I’m actually in your apartment right now

edgy_bastard: im already drunk

Chaotic_Stupid: Im already hungover 

Disaster_Bi: Ha ha ha

Disaster_Bi: We’ll go with Crutchies suggestion and have a party tomorrow 

Chaotic_Stupid: Ok but ur out of booze rn

Disaster_Bi: No we’re not I just bought some yesterday

Neutral_Tired: Jack just screamed 

Lawful_Nerd: He left the bedroom to check how much alcohol we have, and then he screamed.

Lawful_Stupid: Oh yeah, that’s cuz he didn’t believe me when I said I was in your apartment

Lawful_Nerd: WHAT!?

Chaotic_Stupid: Yeah the party is now bitch

Neutral_Tired: Just to get everyone up to date, Albert, Race, Spot, and Elmer are all in my apartment right now

Distinguished_Bi: How did they get in your apartment without you knowing?

Edgy_Bitch: Albert has a key

Lawful_Stupid: I have a key

Functional_Gay: How do you have a key??

Dumbass_Thot: Albert has keys to everyone’s place

Dumbass_Bastard: he’s a chaotic good entity

Dumbass_Thot: Just accept it and let it happen

Neutral_Stupid: I once woke up one morning to find that he had baked cookies in my apartment

Neutral_Stupid: He used my own ingredients, but he left me the cookies

edgy_bastard: wtf al

Lawful_Stupid: Couldn’t sleep. Was bored. Didn’t have my own ingredients. Went to El’s

Disaster_Bi: Someone is knocking on the door and if its Finch Im gonna fucking scream

Chaotic_Stupid: y tf r u screaming Jack I told u that I have a hangover 

Dumbass_Bitch: What is going on

Lawful_Nerd: Albert, Race, Spot, Elmer, Finch, and Tommy Boy are all in our apartment now, so I guess we’re having a party now. Can someone please bring alcohol, Spot and Race already drank all of ours?

Disaster_Pan: PARTY TIME

Edgy_Thot: I told you that we should have a party now

Functional_Lesbian: We’ll be there soon, David. Katherine will buy some booze

Lawful_Nerd: Thank you.

Depressed_Bastard: Thanks Kath

Lawful_Tired: Mike and I will bring some pizzas

Lawful_Tired: And I’m bringing my boyfriend. Ok see you guys soon. Bye

Disaster_Pan: Wait wut?

Dumbass_Bitch: Ike has a boyfriend???

Chaotic_Stupid: SINCE WHEN!?!?

Edgy_Bitch: Smalls and I will bring obscene amounts of discount Halloween candy

Neutral_Tired: Ok Sniper but can we focus on Ike

Chaotic_Tired: We’ll be over soon just chill out

Chaotic_Tired: Also don’t we still have a lot of the candy Kath bought for Halloween??? Do we really need more???

Disaster_Lesbian: We do at these prices

Chaotic_Stupid: CaN wE FocUs oN IKe tHoUgH

Chaotic_Tired: How come no one ever wants to focus on me

Depressed_Bastard: Do you have a girlfriend?

Chaotic_Tired: No

Dumbass_Bitch: Do you have any major life events that you want to talk about?

Chaotic_Tired: ...no

Edgy_Thot: Good talk Mike. Now let’s discuss Ike

Chaotic_Tired: Nah

Chaotic_Stupid: Bitch

All Hallows Hangover

November 2nd 6:39 pm

Lawful_Tired added KenKen to the chat

KenKen: Sup beeches

Lawful_Tired renamed the chat Mike Is Single XP

Chaotic_Tired: 🖕

Chapter Text

Mike Is Single XP

November 4th 3:21 pm

Functional_Lesbian: I’m tired of this

Functional_Lesbian changed their name to WhoIsShe

Distinguished_Bi changed their name to A_Goddess

WhoIsShe: Nice

A_Goddess: 😘

Disaster_Bi: Aw but the alignment charts

Neutral_Tired: Sorry Jack

Neutral_Tired changed their name to Crutch_This

Crutch_This changed Disaster_Bi to BestBi

BestBi: Aw thanks babe

Dumbass_Thot changed their name to TweetyBirb

A_Goddess: I thought I was the best bi???

Crutch_This: You changed your name to A Goddess… I think you can let my boyfriend have this

A_Goddess: You’re right Crutch. Jack you can be the best bi

Chaotic_Stupid changed their name to GreasedLightning

edgy_bastard changed their name to spot_conlon

GreasedLightning changed spot_conlon to the_ spot_conlon

the_spot_conlon: why cant you ever let me be

GreasedLightning: 😜

Disaster_Pan changed their name to HO-meo

BestBi changed Lawful_Nerd to WalkingMouth

WalkingMouth: I had really thought we had moved on from this

the_spot_conlon: never mouth

Edgy_Bitch changed their name to BitchUThought

Dumbass_Bastard changed their name to MonsterMush

WhoIsShe: I started a trend 😁

Crutch_This: Monster Mush?

MonsterMush: 🎶they did the Mush. they did the Monster Mush. the Monster Mush!🎶

Crutch_This: OOoo nice! I like it

Chaotic_Nerd changed their name to BlinkityBlink

BestBi: CRYPTID

WhoIsShe: Cryptid!

GreasedLightning: cRyPtId!!1!

MonsterMush: oMG a cryptid

BlinkityBlink: We’re breaking up

MonsterMush: 😧

BlinkityBlink: Nah you’re too cute

MonsterMush: 😄

Functional_Gay changed their name to Just_Specs-ulations

Chaotic_Tired changed their name to Ben

Lawful_Tired changed their name to Jerry

Dumbass_Bitch changed their name to ButtonsUpBitches

Depressed_Bastard changed their name to Pastrami_On_Rye

Edgy_Thot changed their name to SpellMyNameIDareU

Ben: I wouldn’t take that dare

GreasedLightning: Joey Jorge

SpellMyNameIDareU removed GreasedLightning from the chat

Lawful_Stupid added GreasedLightning to the chat

GreasedLightning: Thnx Albie!!

Lawful_Stupid changed their name to AlbieQuiet

Pastrami_On_Rye: Is it a pun on “I’ll be quiet” or “Al be quiet”?

AlbieQuiet: Yes

Disaster_Lesbian changed their name to smolbean

KenKen: I’m just gonna keep my name

Just_Specs-ulations: That’s fair

Neutral_Stupid changed their name to UseTape

Depressed_Thot changed their name to Thomas_Man

Thomas_Man: Why did we all just change our names?

HO-meo: Cuz Sarah was tired of her name and we’re all just a bunch of codependent lemmings

WalkingMouth: It’s true.

AlbieQuiet: Who’s in charge here???

GreasedLightning: Usually just whoever yells the loudest!!!

SpellMyNameIDareU: *Screams to establish dominance*

BitchUThought: *Screams back*

Crutch_This: *Everyone starts making dramatic velociraptor noises because we’re all just lemmings*

WhoIsShe: *Velociraptor noises*

smolbean: *Velociraptor noises*

MonsterMush: *Velociraptor noises*

ButtonsUpBitches: *Velociraptor noises*

A_Goddess: *Velociraptor noises*

TweetyBirb: *Velociraptor noises*

Jerry: *Velociraptor noises*

UseTape: *Velociraptor noises*

the_spot_conlon: jack just made actual velociraptor noises and mama told him to shut the fuck up

Crutch_This: Can confirm that he did in fact start screeching in Medda’s living room and she did in fact yell at him

A_Goddess: Oh Jack

BestBi: I WAS EXCITED

Chapter Text

Mike Is Single XP

November 10th 9:35 am

WhoIsShe : GUYS SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY APARTMENT LAST NIGHT!!!!

KenKen : Oh shit are you alright??

WhoIsShe : Yeah I’m fine other than my emotional distress

KenKen : How can you tell that someone broke in?

WhoIsShe : Everything is in a different place than it was when I went to bed

WhoIsShe : Guys I’m crying someone was in my apartment while I was asleep

the_spot_conlon : im coming over

WhoIsShe : Thank you Spot

BestBi : Were coming over too Sarah its ok

Crutch_This : Where’s Kath?

WhoIsShe : She spend the night at her parent’s house. I’m alone

WakingMouth : Ok Sarah, do you think that someone is still in your apartment?

WhoIsShe : I don’t know, but I haven’t heard anything move

WhoIsShe : OH MY GOD WHAT IF SOMEONES IN MY APARTMENT

the_spot_conlon : buzz me in sarah im outside

WhoIsShe : Thank god

WalkingMouth : We just got here, Sarah. Buzz us in.

ButtonsUpBitches : OMG Sarah are you Ok???

KenKen : Is anything missing?

Just_Specs-ulations : If no one responds soon I’m going to have to assume that someone killed Sarah Spot Jack Crutchie and Davey

WhoIsShe : We’re fine

WhoIsShe : Spot and Jack have searched the entire apartment and no one else is here

Crutch_This : Weve also looked through the apartment and nothing valuable is missing

BestBi : And less valuable things are also here

WhoIsShe : On a side note, Jack is really good at remembering small details

WalkingMouth : It’s the artist in him. 

ButtonsUpBitches : So nothing’s missing?

the_spot_conlon : no nothing missing

ButtonsUpBitches : So how can you tell someone was there

WhoIsShe : Everything is cleaner than it was last night

WhoIsShe : I left all my dinner dishes sitting around, and now they’ve been cleaned and put away 

Just_Specs-ulations : So someone came into your apartment, cleaned it, took nothing, and left?

BestBi : Thats what it looks like

A_Goddess : I just woke up, are you ok Sarah?

WhoIsShe : I think I’ve lost ten years from my life, but I’m ok Kath

A_Goddess : I’m on my way, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there last night!

WhoIsShe : No it’s cool

WhoIsShe : You didn’t know someone would break in

A_Goddess : Is anything broken?

the_spot_conlon : no and theres no evidence to suggest the lock was picked

TweetyBirb : Hey sorry for being like an hour late to the party but I think I know what happened and I’d just like to apologize for your distress

TweetyBirb : I didn’t do anything but I’m apologizing anyway

A_Goddess : What do you mean, Finch?

TweetyBirb : Is there anything missing from your fridge?

WalkingMouth : Does this seem like the time for being vague, Finch?

TweetyBirb : I just want to make sure before I say anything

TweetyBirb : Now is there anything missing from the fridge? Like some leftovers or sandwich fixins or something like that?

WhoIsShe : I think we had some leftover Pad Thai that’s gone now

TweetyBirb : Ok so remember when we said that Albert is a chaotic good entity that has keys to everyone’s apartment?

BestBi : Are you telling us that Albert came into Kath and Sarahs apartment in the middle of the night, cleaned it, ate their leftovers, and left???

TweetyBirb : It definitely fits his MO

TweetyBirb : Hang on I’ll try to wake him up 

A_Goddess : How does Albert even know where we live!?!?

WhoIsShe : Even though it makes me feel better knowing who was in my apartment I’m still not ok with him just letting himself in

A_Goddess : Ditto

TweetyBirb : K he’s not answering so I’m gonna try Mush

MonsterMush : don’t bother I’m not home

UseTape : He’s asleep on my couch I’ll go wake him up

AlbieQuiet : I’m here

WhoIsShe : WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME INTO MY APARTMENT

WhoIsShe : If you ever do that again I’ll fucking kill you

AlbieQuiet : Sorry I didn’t think to ask if it was ok

A_Goddess : Well you should! It’s rude and creepy to enter someone’s apartment without telling them while they’re asleep!!

AlbieQuiet : I won’t do it again I swear

the_spot_conlon : why did you even go to sarah and kaths

AlbieQuiet : Couldn’t sleep. Was bored. Was in the neighborhood.

AlbieQuiet : I won’t do it again

AlbieQuiet : How about we just go over who doesn’t want me to ever let myself into their place right now

A_Goddess : We’re not ok with you letting yourself in

the_spot_conlon : if you are ever in my house in the middle of the night i will actually kill you

AlbieQuiet : Gotcha

KenKen : Man if you clean in the middle of the night like an elf then you’re always welcome to come to my place

KenKen : I’m sure my roommates won’t mind

AlbieQuiet : 👉👉

MonsterMush : He only cleans if your place is dirty. If it’s clean then he usually bakes

UseTape : It’s like trick-or-treating

UseTape : If your place is dirty then he’ll clean it and if it’s clean he bakes

UseTape : Those are the treats

UseTape : If your place is clean, but you have no ingredients for baking then he’ll set up some dumb elaborate prank

TweetyBirb : PSA if you let him in your apartment always have stuff for baking

TweetyBirb : You do NOT want one of his pranks

BitchUThought : I can still hear the sound of a thousand Rick Astleys

AlbieQuiet : That was a good one 

Crutch_This : What did he do?

BitchUThought : It’s still too soon

TweetyBirb : Suffice to say he was never gonna give her up

MonsterMush : this is why I live with him. He won’t prank me he’ll just go to someone else’s place

UseTape : This is why I always keep and excess of baking supplies

Thomas_Man : Two kinds of people

GreasedLightning : Just throw dirt everywhere before you go to bed at night

SpellMyNameIDareU : Three kinds

Chapter Text

Mike Is Single

November 26th 9:12 am

BestBi: I thought of something last night

GreasedLightning: Is that what that smell was?

BestBi: Rude

BestBi: Anyway

BestBi: So you know that John Mulaney bit where he talks about crazy people saying stuff 

WhoIsShe: Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs?

BestBi: No the duck one

HO-meo: Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet 🦆

BestBi: Yeah that one 

BestBi: Anyway so the guy who said that I think John said his name was mr finch

the_spot_conlon: is there a point here

BestBi: Finch 

UseTape: @TweetyBirb 👀

TweetyBirb: Are you asking me if I’m an old eccentric rich man who was once John Mulaney’s boss???

WhoIsShe: 👀

UseTape: 👀

HO-meo: 👀

BestBi: 👀

GreasedLightning: Wow jack finally learned how to use emojis

BestBi: 🖕

Mike Is Single XP

November 16th 1:30 pm

KenKen: Whenever I see a post about updog I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help the poster complete their joke

GreasedLightning: Ok but whats updog?

Crutch_This: Updog is a sausage in a bun often served with ketchup, onion, and/or relish

smolbean: No that’s a hotdog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released

HO-meo: You’re thinking of an update. Updog is when you end a sentence with a rising intonation

Pastrami_On_Rye: No that’s uptalk. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden

MonsterMush: surely that’s Uppsala, whereas Updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter

Just_Specs-ulations: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs

WalkingMouth: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.

AlbieQuiet: No that’s an updraft. Updog isn't a noun at all, it’s a verb. It basically means to chew someone out or harshly lecture them

UseTape: No that’s upbraid. An updog is a small dog that likes cuddling in people’s laps

SpellMyNameIDareU: No that’s a puppy dog. An updog is when the Mets win

BitchUThought: No that’s an upset. An updog is the modern version of a henway

BestBi: Whats a henway?

Thomas_Man: Oh, about 5 pounds

TweetyBird: GOTTEM

ButtonsUpBitches: This chat pushed me down the stairs and stole my firstborn child

BestBi: You come into MY house

A_Goddess: I’m DYING

Blaze It

November 16th 4:20 pm

GreasedLightning: Blaze it

HO-meo: Blaze it

AlbieQuiet: Blaze it

SpellMyNameIDareU: Blaze it

TweetyBirb: Blaze it

HO-meo: Good job boys

SpellMyNameIDareU: 😒

HO-meo: Good job my home skillets

GreasedLightning: Ur the only skillet here

HO-meo: Elaborate? 

GreasedLightning: Pan

HO-meo: I guess I just walked into that one

Chapter Text

Mike Is Single

November 19th 1:21 pm

ButtonsUpBitches: 👁

SpellMyNameIDareU: ❤️

Pastrami_On_Rye: 🐑

ButtonsUpBitches: 🥰

Pastrami_On_Rye: 😘

HO-meo: 🤮

SpellMyNameIDareU: 🖕

HO-meo: 👻

Just_Specs-ulations: ❤️🌹

HO-meo: 😍❣️

GreasedLightning: 👬🤭

AlbieQuiet: 😘😘😘

GreasedLightning: 🥰🥰🥰

AlbieQuiet: 💜💜💜

GreasedLightning: 💖💖💖

Crutch_This: 👁❤️🤠➕🤓

BestBi: 🆒

Crutch_This: 🤨

BestBi: ❤️

Crutch_This: ❤️

WalkingMouth: 🤓❓❓

Crutch_This: 🐑

WalkingMouth: ❓

BestBi: 📖❓

Crutch_This: 👨🏻‍💼❓

WalkingMouth: 👨🏻‍💼✔️

GreasedLightning: 🙋🏼‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤦🏻☝️

BestBi: 🤡☝️

GreasedLightning: 👈🤴🏼

the_spot_conlon: 💩☝️

GreasedLightning: 👋🔴

the_spot_conlon: 🔪

GreasedLightning: 😮

A_Goddess: 👈👩🏻‍🦰

WhoIsShe: 👈💃🏻

Crutch_This: 👈🔆

AlbieQuiet: 👈👨🏼‍🦰

ButtonsUpBitches: 👈🧕🏼

TweetyBirb: 👈🐦

smolbean: 👈🦄

MonsterMush: 👈🧟

Pastrami_On_Rye: 👈🥪

UseTape: 👈❓

MonsterMush: ☝️🧸

UseTape: 😁

KenKen: 👈🙊

Jerry: 👈🙉

Ben: 👈🙈

HO-meo: 👈🌹

BitchUThought: 👈🎯

Just_Specs-ulations: 👈🤓

Thomas_Man: 👈🕴🏻

SpellMyNameIDareU: 👈🐳

BlinkityBlink: 👈🧚🏼‍♂️

BestBi: 😮‼️

HO-meo: 😮‼️

TweetyBirb: 😮‼️

A_Goddess: 😮‼️

BlinkityBlink: 😑

Just_Specs-ulations: 🎟🎥🕠❓

AlbieQuiet: 🙋‍♂️

GreasedLightning: 😎

HO-meo: 👍

Crutch_This: 🙋🏼‍♂️

smolbean: 🤷‍♀️

Jerry:  🍴❓

HO-meo: 🥪

Pastrami_On_Rye: 😰

SpellMyNameIDareU: 🍝

GreasedLightning: 🍆😏

Jerry: 🤨

WalkingMouth: 🥗

ButtonsUpBitches: ☝️👵🏻

WhoIsShe: 🥯

Thomas_Man: 🍺

Jerry: 🍺😎

GreasedLightning: 🏳️‍🌈

Crutch_This: 🏴‍☠️

GreasedLightning: 🗡

Crutch_This: ⚔️

GreasedLightning: 😵

UseTape: 🏥🚑

GreasedLightning: ☠️

AlbieQuiet: 😭😭

Just_Specs-ulations: 🎟🎥🕠🤓➕🌹➕💩➕👨🏼‍🦰➕🔆➕🦄❓

HO-meo: 👍

BestBi: 🙋🏽‍♂️

Just_Specs-ulations: ➕🤠👍

A_Goddess: Alright good talk everyone!

Chapter Text

TURKEY TIME

November 21st 11:11 pm

HO-meo: 11:11 MAKE A WISH

AlbieQuiet: I wish I didn’t have to have dinner with my family tomorrow night

ButtonsUpBitches: What’s wrong with having dinner with your family?

AlbieQuiet: Let’s just say none of us really like each other all that much

HO-meo: Oof I’m sorry

AlbieQuiet: Nah it’s fine we mostly just sit in silence for like two hours then we all leave

A_Goddess: Mood

WhoIsShe: Why do you sit in silence

AlbieQuiet: Cuz the alternative is to argue non stop

BestBi: Yikes

AlbieQuiet: Yeah none of us really approve of each other's life choices

BestBi: You can come celebrate at my house with everyone who cant go home 

AlbieQuiet: Thanks Jack but I gotta go it’s one of the two times a year my family gets together

BestBi: Well feel free to come over after if you want its gonna be me Spot Medda Crutchie Elmer Specs and Jojo and the Jacobs and Katherine are gonna stop by later

AlbieQuiet: Thanks Jack I’ll consider it

GreasedLightning: Sorry im out of town babe or i would go w/ u 4 backup

AlbieQuiet: Aw babe thanks for the sentiment but that would go horribly

AlbieQuiet: My dad and oldest brother are homophobes

AlbieQuiet: My sexuality is one of the things we avoid talking about at thanksgiving

A_Goddess: Yikes

AlbieQuiet: 🙃

TweetyBirb: Don’t worry Al, I’ll call you at six with an ‘emergency’ 

AlbieQuiet: I can always count on you Fi

TweetyBirb: 😘

GreasedLightning: Y does he call u at 6?

AlbieQuiet: It gives me an excuse to leave early

GreasedLightning to AlbieQuiet

November 21st 11:48 pm

GreasedLightning: Hey Albie i know weve only been dating for a few weeks so u dont have 2 tell me if u dont want to but can i ask about ur family?

GreasedLightning: Like i know that ur mom died from cancer but wut about the rest of ur family? I dont even know who all u have in ur family

AlbieQuiet: It’s fine Race

AlbieQuiet: My family is now me, my dad, my oldest brother Lucas, and my younger older brother Marco

AlbieQuiet: After my mom died we kinda stopped being a real family, we’re kinda all just a bunch of strangers now

AlbieQuiet: I mean we’re not strangers but we’re not really a family anymore, you know?

GreasedLightning: Im sorry babe that must b hard

AlbieQuiet: Yeah I mean it hard cuz we don’t really communicate very well and none of us really like each other so we either eat in silence or we fight non stop and it just feels so draining to have to go see them twice a year

GreasedLightning: Y dont u just not go?

AlbieQuiet: They’re my family Race. My mom would be so disappointed if she knew we didn’t still see each other after she died

GreasedLightning: Ok

GreasedLightning: So dont get mad at me cuz im only trying to make sure that ur ok but… your family doesnt like abuse you do they?

AlbieQuiet: I’m not mad. And no, not in the sense that there’s a power imbalance at least

AlbieQuiet: Like we’ve never had a physical fight that wasn’t like normal wrestling that brothers do, and we verbally fight a lot but everyone is on equal ground when we do (unless they gang up on you, but they’re just as likely to all pick on me as they are to all pick on Marco or Lucas or my dad)

AlbieQuiet: We pick on my dad for being unable to hold a solid job, or Lucas for tattoo choices, or Marco for his long “hippie” hair, or me for my dancing

AlbieQuiet: We tactfully avoid discussing my dad’s drinking problem, or Lucas’s gambling addiction, or Marco’s depression, or my sexuality which I think shows that we don’t HATE each other

GreasedLightning: Albert, that doesnt sound like a healthy relationship

AlbieQuiet: I know, but it’s only twice a year and I don’t let their comments get to me for long

AlbieQuiet: They’re my family Race and I want to try to have a relationship with them

AlbieQuiet: I promise that if it’s getting to be too much then I’ll leave

GreasedLightning: Alright Albie i trust u ❤️

AlbieQuiet: 💜

Chapter Text

TURKEY TIME

November 22nd 5:03 pm

AlbieQuiet: Thanksgiving just got worse

UseTape: Omg no why?

AlbieQuiet: My dad has a girlfriend 🙂 and he didn’t tell us 🙃 and my brother Marco isn’t here yet

HO-meo: Oh no

Thomas_Man: What’s his girlfriend like?

AlbieQuiet: Slightly older than me, definitely goes to tanning salons too much, is completely high out of her mind rn

Pastrami_On_Rye: Oof

HO-meo: Fun times

AlbieQuiet: THANKSGIVING JUST GOT WORSE

AlbieQuiet: MARCO IS HERE AND HE ALSO HAS A GIRLFRIEND THAT HE DIDNT TELL ANYONE ABOUT

AlbieQuiet: AND SHE IS SO SO PREGNANT

AlbieQuiet: LIKE SHE COULD GIVE BIRTH AT ANY SECOND PREGNANT

TweetyBirb: Well shit

TweetyBirb: Do you need me to call you early?

AlbieQuiet: My dad has made it clear to me that he is on to us and that that will not work this year 🙃

TweetyBirb: Shit I’m sorry

AlbieQuiet: 🙃🙃🙃

AlbieQuiet: I hope you are all having a better thanksgiving than me

BestBi: No offense but I dont think thats hard

A_Goddess: Even I’m having a better thanksgiving, and I have to be with MY family.

AlbieQuiet: I JUST SAW MY BROTHER LUCAS AND MY DADS GIRLFRIEND MAKING OUT ON THE FIRE ESCAPE

HO-meo: 0_o

UseTape: Why were you near the fire escape? Isn’t that outside your dad’s room?

AlbieQuiet: I WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE

AlbieQuiet: BUT THEYRE BLOCKING THE WAY

BitchUThought: Jesus I’m sorry Albert

AlbieQuiet: On the bright side no ones gonna pay attention to me this year and my gay dancer ass can just cruise through dinner

AlbieQuiet: All I had to do was not open my mouth at all and I would have made it out of tonight just fine 

AlbieQuiet: But I did open my mouth

AlbieQuiet: And thanksgiving has gotten so much worse

BestBi: Whadija do?

AlbieQuiet: I don’t quite remember how we got there in the conversation but I said “at least I can’t knock up a girl”

AlbieQuiet: And Marco immediately sold me out and yelled “Albert’s gay!”

AlbieQuiet: There are no allies in the DaSilva household

AlbieQuiet: There are only enemies and scapegoats

the_spot_conlon: your family didnt know you were gay?

AlbieQuiet: Not explicitly but they probably suspected

AlbieQuiet: Communication is not our strong suit

UseTape: I’m sorry Albert

AlbieQuiet: The best part of all of this is that tomorrow I’m gonna be embarrassed about how much I’ve shared with you all today

Crutch_This: Don’t be embarrassed we all have struggles in life and having a healthy support system is good. And the fact that you’ve shared this with us means that you feel comfortable with us. We’re here for you Albert and you can tell us anything we want to help you ❤️❤️

BestBi: ^^

BestBi: We’re family here and family support each other in times of need

A_Goddess: Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb.

the_spot_conlon: do you need us to come beat people up for you?

BitchUThought: I second Spot’s sentiment, I can be at your dad’s place within minutes

UseTape: I love you so much Al, you never need to be embarrassed about talking to us

AlbieQuiet: You guys are the BEST I’m crying so much

AlbieQuiet: No need to beat anyone up though because I’ve already climbed out the window and down the fire escape. I’ll be at Jack’s in a few minutes

BestBi: Do you want us to save any food for you?

AlbieQuiet: 😭 yes please! My dad’s girlfriend is a vegan and like extreme dieting or whatever so there was no good food

UseTape: We’ll make sure to save a little of everything for you

AlbieQuiet: 😭😭😭 I love you guys so much!!!

GreasedLightning to AlbieQuiet

November 22nd 10:33 pm

GreasedLightning: OMG I was busy w/ my fam

GreasedLightning: R u ok Albie?

AlbieQuiet: I’m ok now Race

AlbieQuiet: Even better now that you're here

GreasedLightning: 💖💖💖

GreasedLightning: Im sorry im not in town to support you in person but im glad you felt comfortable telling the others about your problems and going to jack’s when you left

AlbieQuiet: Aw Race you don’t have to feel bad that you spent the holiday with your family, I’m ok and if I wasn’t comfortable with Jack then I would have gone to Finch’s or Sniper’s

AlbieQuiet: Also Medda Larkin is a saint and her cooking is so GOOD

GreasedLightning: I know ❤️ so wat r u doing now?

AlbieQuiet: Well after all the dishes were washed Jack yelled “It’s christmas time baby!” so we’re all in the living room watching christmas movies

GreasedLightning: Nice

GreasedLightning: Well im actually gonna go to bed now cuz my family is EXHAUSTING

AlbieQuiet: Night Race ilu

GreasedLightning: ilu2 Albie 💖💖

Chapter Text

GreasedLightning to the_spot_conlon

November 23rd 8:20 am

GreasedLightning: I need ur help

the_spot_conlon: why do you need MY help? and what makes you think im gonna help YOU?

GreasedLightning: r00d

GreasedLightning: R we not friends Spotty?

the_spot_conlon: no were not were exes

GreasedLightning: WE BROKE UP 3 YEARS AGO

GreasedLightning: Not only did we break up 3 years ago but were also both now in relationships and let me just say that i think elmer is way better 4 u than i ever was

GreasedLightning: We use to b bffs Spotty and now were just gonna let a dumb hs fling ruin that?

the_spot_conlon: what did you need my help with

GreasedLightning: Ok so last night i was txting Albert after the whole thing w/ his fam and he txted me “ilu” so I txted it back but like is it too soon for us to say the L word? And does “ilu” even count as saying the L word?

GreasedLightning: Like is using it in an abbreviation less intense than saying the whole word?

GreasedLightning: And we didnt even say it we txted it so does that hold the same amount of weight as saying it?

the_spot_conlon: what makes you think i can help you with any of this?

GreasedLightning: Idk i thought maybe ur stoic-ness was born of wisdom

the_spot_conlon: well its not

the_spot_conlon: can i ask you something now?

GreasedLightning: Of course

the_spot_conlon: you said you think elmer is better for me than you were?

GreasedLightning: Yeah

GreasedLightning: I mean like i think we complemented each other well in hs but in real life were both just too stubborn for a long term relationship

GreasedLightning: Like neither of us were willing to compromise for the other and if we got into an argument then we would both just keep getting angrier and angrier with each other and it wasnt healthy

GreasedLightning: I liked u a lot but we didnt balance each other we amplified each other which is great for the good parts but like I said if we got angry neither of us were good at taking a step back and calming down 

GreasedLightning: But elmer is much more calm than I will ever b so i think that when ur angry he can resist getting angry rite back

GreasedLightning: U can compromise with him because he will compromise with u

GreasedLightning: Ur negative traits wont feed off each other but instead will inspire the better traits in both of u and i think thats really nice

the_spot_conlon: thanks racer

GreasedLightning: Does this mean we can b friends again?

the_spot_conlon: yeah it does

the_spot_conlon: and i think that if you do really love albert then you shouldnt be ashamed to say it

GreasedLightning: But is it 2 soon?

the_spot_conlon: i dont think there is a too soon if you really mean it

the_spot_conlon: besides he said it first right? if that didnt make you uncomfortable then i dont think you need to over analyze this

GreasedLightning: U so rite Spotty

GreasedLightning: But im still gonna ask jack 4 his opinion

the_spot_conlon: you understand that jack went by disaster bi for like four months right? theres a reason for that

GreasedLightning: Fine then ill ask kathy

the_spot_conlon: the only reason kathy didnt have disaster in her name was because jack did

GreasedLightning: Then who do u think i should talk 2?

the_spot_conlon: id say dave crutchie sarah specs or blink

the_spot_conlon: id recommend sniper finch or mush but theyre all close to albert so you might get more death threats than advise

GreasedLightning: Thanks Spotty u the BEST ❤️❤️

the_spot_conlon: whatever

GreasedLightning to BestBi

November 23rd 9:11 am

GreasedLightning: Heyy Jackie

BestBi: Go away

GreasedLightning: ☹️

BestBi: Too early

GreasedLightning to Crutch_This

November 23rd 9:13 am

GreasedLightning: Heyy Crutchie

BestBi to GreasedLightning

November 23rd 9:13 am

BestBi: Hes asleep too Race go away

GreasedLightning to Just_Specs-ulations

November 23rd 9:14 am

GreasedLightning: Hey Specs u awake?

Just_Specs-ulations: Yeah, whats up?

GreasedLightning: When is a good time to say the L word?

Just_Specs-ulations: When you really mean it

GreasedLightning: Ok but is it 2 soon?

Just_Specs-ulations: Do you mean it?

GreasedLightning: I think so

Just_Specs-ulations: Do you think he feels the same?

GreasedLightning: I hope so

Just_Specs-ulations: Then I wouldn’t over think it so much

GreasedLightning: Thanks Specs

Just_Specs-ulations: Hey what are functional gays for if not for helping their disaster friends

Chapter Text

Need Me Some Vitamin D

November 25th 12:58 pm

Thomas_Man: Finch, Fuck Marry Kill

TweetyBirb: Ok

Thomas_Man: Elmer Albert Mush 

BitchUThought: Why are you like this

TweetyBirb: Fuck Albert, marry Elmer, kill Mush

MonsterMush: what did I do to you???

TweetyBirb: You borrowed my 3DS and never gave it back

MonsterMush: I gave it to Albert I thought he gave it back to you

TweetyBirb: Fine then fuck Mush and kill Albert

Thomas_Man: Mush, fmk Elmer Albert Sniper

BlinkityBlink: Are you gonna just keep circling through people on this chat?

TweetyBirb: I forgot we added Blink to our group 

Thomas_Man: Well what do you suggest?

BlinkityBlink: Katherine, Jack, Ike

MonsterMush: marry Katherine, fuck Jack, kill Ike 

TweetyBirb: Golddigger 

MonsterMush: obviously

MonsterMush: Sniper! Fmk Katherine, Sarah, Buttons

BitchUThough: Hmm

BitchUThought: Are we ignoring that Buttons doesn’t like girls

Thomas_Man: Yeah

BitchUThought: Marry Sarah for sure

TweetyBirb: Really?

TweetyBirb: So you don’t want Kath’s money

BitchUThought: Sarah’s much tidier

AlbieQuiet: As someone who has been in their apartment when they weren’t expecting guests, can confirm that Katherine has papers and stuff for her articles EVERYWHERE

BitchUThought: Exactly

BitchUThought: Anyway, fuck Buttons and kill Katherine

MonsterMush: kill the competition

BitchUThought: Tommy, fmk Race, Romeo, Spot

Thomas_Man: Fuck Romeo, marry Spot, kill Race

BlinkityBlink: That was fast

UseTape: Hey! Spot’s mine!

AlbieQuiet: Why are you killing my boyfriend!

Thomas_Man: Which offends you more, that I want to kill your boyfriend or that my boyfriend wants to kill you?

AlbieQuiet: You wanting to kill my boyfriend obviously

AlbieQuiet: I lost Finch’s 3DS so him wanting to kill me is not a surprise

TweetyBirb: YOU LOST MY DS???

AlbieQuiet: Chill Finch, it’s in my room somewhere

Thomas_Man: Blink, fmk Specs, Henry, Crutchie

BlinkityBlink: Kill Specs, fuck Henry, marry Crutchie 

Thomas_Man: Wow what did Specs ever do to you?

BlinkityBlink: He knows what he did

TweetyBirb: Anyway

TweetyBirb: Elmer fmk Smalls Mike Davey

UseTape: I don't want to kill anyone

BitchUThought: It’s theoretical El, you’re not gonna fuck or marry any of them either

UseTape: But theoretically I wouldn’t kill anyone

MonsterMush: Just answer the question 

UseTape: Fine, fuck Smalls marry Mike kill Davey 

BlinkityBlink: Why marry Mike?

UseTape: I don't know I just put them in the order given

BitchUThought: Ok so Elmer is bad at this

BitchUThought: Albert, fmk Crutchie, Jojo, Elmer

AlbieQuiet: Fuck Jojo, marry Elmer, kill Crutchie

Thomas_Man: You’d kill Crutchie?

AlbieQuiet: I don’t trust him, I don’t think he’s a sweet as he shows himself to be

TweetyBirb: Well today on Which Of My Friends I’d Kill, we kill Katherine, Albert, Crutchie, Ike, Specs, Race, and I guess Davey too

Thomas_Man: Thanks for playing everyone!

Chapter Text

It’s Christmas Time Baby

November 28th 4:55 pm

Crutch_This : Can we all just take a moment to shame Jack for eating moldy bread

A_Goddess : Jack!

WalkingMouth : That’s disgusting. 

BestBi : I cut off the moldy bits its fine

WalkingMouth : That’s not how mold works, Jack. 

HO-meo : What do you mean that's not how mold works???

KenKen : He cut the mold off, it’s fine

Pastrami_On_Rye : No guys, if any of the bread has visible mold on it then all of the bread has mold on it

Jerry : :0

Ben : 0:

KenKen : 😮

HO-meo : 😨

Pastrami_On_Rye : Is anyone else concerned that Mike and Ike work in a pizzeria but don’t know how mold works?

WalkingMouth: If any of the bread has fruiting mold then all of the bread has mold spores in it and you shouldn’t eat ANY of it.

BestBi : Shit am I gonna die???

A_Goddess : No Jack, you should be fine. Just don’t eat anymore moldy bread

GreasedLightning : The More You Know 🌈⭐️

the_spot_conlon : ah yes jacks diet of moldy bread and paint water

UseTape : Hey as long as we’re boyfriend shaming…

the_spot_conlon : no fuck you shut up

UseTape : You guys know how plastic fruits are a thing?

Crutch_This : The decoration things?

UseTape : Yeah

the_spot_conlon : el im begging you

UseTape : Spot tried to eat one cuz he thought it was real

BestBi : HAHAHA AT LEAST I ATE ACTUAL FOODS

the_spot_conlon : shut up jack they were very realistic 

WhoIsShe : Did he take a bite out of it?

WalkingMouth : He didn’t swallow any, did he?

UseTape : Yeah he took quite a chunk out of it

UseTape : No he spit it out

the_spot_conlon : last weekend elmer and i went to a bar and after a few drinks he asked if i had a boyfriend and then started crying when i told him that i did

TweetyBirb : Wow Elly

UseTape : He was just so cute and I wanted to go out with him

the_spot_conlon : we were literally on a date at the time

AlbieQuiet : So not only did Elmer forget he was dating Spot, he also totally forgot he was in any relationship

KenKen : Well as long as we’re shaming boyfriends

Jerry : You can’t shame me

Jerry : I have no shame

KenKen : He literally forgot whether he was my boyfriend or if his brother was

KenKen : It should be noted that he also forgot which one he was

Ben : Ha classic Mike

AlbieQuiet : Race was half asleep once and kept gushing to me about this super hot guy in his dance class that he had a secret crush on

GreasedLightning : When Albies stoned he pats my face and says “pretty” for like five minutes straight

GreasedLightning : Every time

AlbieQuiet : It’s important to me that you know how pretty you are

GreasedLightning : Aww babe

AlbieQuiet : 😘

Thomas_Man : When Finch is stoned he climbs a tree and insists that he needs to become one with his brethren

TweetyBirb : Tommy called a child a thot

Thomas_Man : Yeah Fi, we already discussed this

Thomas_Man : You can’t just double jeopardy me

WhoIsShe : I am HERE for these boys calling each other out

A_Goddess : I would spill dirt on Sarah but I can’t because she’s perfect 

WhoIsShe : Aww that’s sweet

WhoIsShe : I have dirt on you though 

WhoIsShe : Freshman year Katherine didn’t know how a microwave worked and she set off the fire alarm in our building five times in the first semester

A_Goddess : Sarah!!!

WhoIsShe : “I didn’t know it needed water!” -Katherine Pulitzer after putting dry ramen in the microwave

GreasedLightning : Ooo yass sarah spill that tea sister

WhoIsShe : She put a fork in the microwave

A_Goddess : THAT WAS ONE TIME

WhoIsShe : She didn’t know how long to put popcorn in for so she put it in for five minutes

A_Goddess : Can we go back to making fun of Jack please 

BestBi : When we were dating Katherine bought me a dog for our one month anniversary and thought it was a normal thing to do 

the_spot_conlon : he named the dog Santa Fe

Crutch_This : Fe is the goodest boy 

Crutch_This sent an image

It’s Jack cuddling a brown border collie that has a red bandana around its neck

AlbieQuiet : I love him!!! 😍😍😍

KenKen : Jack I will give you ALL of the money in exchange for your dog

BestBi : No

WhoIsShe : What the heck Kath never bought me a dog

A_Goddess : Well SOMEONE told me that it was a “normal thing to do”

WalkingMouth : Jack said that?

GreasedLightning : No jack tried to spare her feelings

GreasedLightning : I told her it was weird

BestBi : Kath also one told me to “dress casually” for a date then took me to a super fancy restaurant that made me look like a schlub 

A_Goddess : Jack and I once had a date and all he did was talk about how cute Crutchie was, and he didn’t seem to realize that that was not a platonic thing to do

BestBi : Ah yes back when I thought I was straight 

HO-meo : Oh oh! Specs once spent half an hour looking for his glasses

HO-meo : He was wearing them

Just_Specs-ulations : Romeo cries if you even say Old Yeller

HO-meo : ITS SO SAD 

KenKen : When Ike forgets which twin he is he sometimes cries about how he “doesn’t want to He the straight one”

Ben : Bitch me neither