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All Mike can see is the ring of red.
It’s like a brand around El’s neck from where Billy’s hands choked her but she doesn’t cry. She doesn’t do anything, just staring straight ahead with empty eyes as they bike to his house.
Mike held her for those few moments after she saved him, but he wants to hold her again. He wants to ask if she’s okay and kiss her wet cheeks and…all of it.
But that’s what boyfriends do. Not ex-boyfriends.
It’s easy to forget and even easier to wipe El’s tears and hold her when she’s scared. It’s like second nature to him and he doesn't know how to turn it off, or if he even wants to.
I don't need to be her boyfriend to love her.
But he does need to be her boyfriend for her to let him.
He watches her shrug off Max and walk straight into the bathroom, closing the door behind her with a soft click.
When he stops watching her and turns away, Max is staring at him with expectant eyes. It's infuriating considering it's all her fault.
“What!?” he snaps.
“What?” she mocks in a deep voice that definitely doesn’t sound like him. “Go see if she’s okay!”
Mike wants to tell her to leave him alone and to blame her for their breakup, but more than that he wants to do what she says.
“I don’t know if she wants me to right now,” he says, honestly. “She dumped me, remember?”
“Jesus,” Max rolls her eyes and looks at the ceiling, “You might actually be stupider than Lucas.”
“Hey!” Lucas says from where he’s sitting on the couch, but Max ignores him.
“She almost got choked to death,” Max voice wavers, tears welling in her eyes despite her harsh words. “And she loves you, God knows why. Your hurt ego does not matter right now.”
Max wipes an arm over her eyes before shoving past him and up the stairs, two steps at a time.
Lucas gives Mike a long look before following his girlfriend up the stairs.
“She loves me?” Mike says to himself, dazed. He knows he loves El, he thinks he’s known since the first time he saw her. But it’s scary and intense and all consuming. He can’t imagine El feels the same way about him when she’s never even gotten a chance at anything else. Or at anybody else.
But what if she does? he wonders.
“Mike, where have you been for the last six months?” Will asks. He stands and heads for the stairs, “I’m gonna go get El some water. Upstairs,” he says pointedly.
Mike doesn’t react when Will steps past him, leaving him alone with the bathroom door, and El behind it.
Before his doubts can eat away at what’s left of his resolve, he knocks on the door. When he doesn’t get a response, he opens the door slightly.
“El?”
She whips around to stare at him with wide eyes. Her cheeks are wet and her eyes are just as red as her neck.
She was crying in here alone.
Mike’s chest tightens at the realization, like he can’t even breath.
He wants to ask if she’s okay, but he doesn’t get the chance. She starts to cry as soon as their eyes meet as if she was waiting for him so she could finally break.
“El, El, El.” He pulls her into his arms when she collapses, the two of them sinking to the floor like they did in the locker room.
“El, it’s okay,” he says, stroking her hair, “You’re okay. I’m right here. I’m right here and you’re safe.”
It’s a silly platitude. He couldn’t even protect her from Billy, not really.
Useless, useless, useless.
Still, El clings to him like he could. It makes him sit up a little straighter and hold her a little tighter. He might not be able to kill a flayed asshole, but he’ll let Billy kill him first before he touches El again.
“Mike,” she cries out, even though he’s right there.
“Yeah?” he answers, anxiously.
El doesn’t say anything, she just keeps calling his name and crying. Mike isn’t sure which is worse.
He presses a kiss to the back of her neck and the tenderness makes El’s tears falter.
She hiccups, turning in his arms till her back is resting against the cage of his knee.
“It’s ugly now, isn’t it?” she says, pressing a hand to her neck. Her voice wobbles, “It hurts, Mike.”
It is, Mike thinks, but not for the reason El thinks.
It’s just another mark of violence that she shouldn’t have, a match for the carefully scripted 011 on her wrist.
If the world was fair, El’s skin would be unmarked. She would be living with Terry Ives in an unremarkable town living an unremarkable but safe life. She wouldn’t be forced to fight men twice her size.
“No, no.” Mike shakes his head, pushing her worried hands away. “It doesn’t matter, El.”
What was done to her was ugly, but El could never be.
He rests his forehead against hers and he can hear when they both inhale. They haven’t been this close in days but it feels like weeks, not touching her.
El’s breath quickens and before Mike can react, she kisses him. It’s soft and tastes like her tears. When he’s slow to react, El jerks back but he surges closer and meets her halfway.
El sighs happily when he kisses her back and it feels like comfort. There’s none of the usual heat or the desire to pull her down under him.
He just wants to feel that she’s okay, she’s safe, and she’s here.
When they break the kiss, Mike presses another to the hollow of her cheek and then to the curve of her closed eyes.
Before, when they were still dating and things were all rosy and new, El would push him away and giggle.
Now, she’s so tired, she just leans against his chest and lets him press kisses to her scarred neck.
“Does that hurt?” he asks, just to make sure.
“No,” El says delicately, but her fingers twitch on his thigh every time he does it.
One, two, three…
He loses count when he’s sure that he’s covered every inch of her scar. He brushes his thumb along it gently before letting his hand fall into his lap.
They sit in silence for a moment, El’s head tucked under his chin before she asks, “Why did you do that?”
Mike blushes, like he wasn’t just necking his girlfriend. He knows that’s what it technically was, even if that wasn’t why he did it.
“It’s stupid,” he says, trying to brush it off. “It’s supposed to make people feel better, you know? Kissing the wound.”
El nods, her eyes wide and attentive whenever he teaches her anything new.
“Only kids believe that stuff but…I just didn’t want you to hurt anymore.”
Ever, preferably.
Sometimes, he wishes he could put her in a bubble where nothing could ever hurt her but he knows it’s impossible. Just like it’s impossible for her to ever go back to being Jane Ives. She’s too strong and too brave to just let Mike protect her.
But he can try his best.
El’s cheeks redden, looking away from him shyly.
“It doesn’t,” she says, “Because of you.”
She nuzzles her wet nose against his curve of his jaw before leaning up to press a sweet kiss to his lips.
They're both breathing into each other's mouths when El winces. He doesn't realize until later that it's very theatrical.
"El!?" he says, immediately pushing her hair behind her ear so he can see her neck.
"I guess it still hurts a little bit," she says, but her eyes are on his lips instead of his eyes.
“Kiss it better?"