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The kitchen was a mess.
Everything that could‘ve been broken lay scattered on the tiles while Max stood in the corner farthest from where Neil was threatening her mom, numb with shock. Spit went flying out of his mouth whenever he shouted at her. Max flinched and tried to put her hands on her ears to block out the terrible sound but then she got see everything and that was even worse.
She did the only other thing she could think of. She fled the situation as fast as her legs would allow and left the adults to themselves. Everything to be far away from this horrible fight of which she didn‘t quite catch how it escalated so quickly.
Was it her fault?
Max followed the loudest sound she could make out which was Billys ghettoblaster.
Standing outside his door she gathered enough courage to knock loud enough for Billy to hear over the bass of whatever music he was blasting.
Please, Billy. Don‘t be stupid.
After what felt like a little eternity she heard the turn of the doorknob and quickly pushed the door open only to slam it shut soon after she crossed the threshold to his room and bolted it with trembling fingers. Her knees buckled and she tried to keep her breathing under control, but failed miserably. As soon as she locked gazes with Billy she started to cry in earnest.
Billy regarded her tear-stained face carefully without any emotion displaying on his boyish features. He sat as stiff as one of the surfboards he loved to ride on the edge of his bed, hands clenched into fists. He refused to look at her again as the music continued to blare all around them.
„Billy?“, she whispered under tears. She knew perfectly well that he couldn‘t ignore her forever and that he watched her every step whenever she invaded his privacy. He was like a shark waiting for a drop of blood to fall into the water to tell him ’go for it‘. And she was always the last straw that broke the camel‘s back.
„Can you“, a sharp intake of breath, „can you hold me? Please?“
She took a step in his direction. Suddenly he looked at her as if she was the most disgusting insect he ever layed eyes upon and jumped from the bed.
„What, are you five or something? Go cry to your slut of a mother!“, he yelled with a dangerous edge to his voice. Behind his eyes swam an ocean full of hatred and fury and she lowered her head to avoid his burning gaze.
„You know, she‘s your mother too, now ...“, she quietly rectified him and bit her lip out of nervousness. Silently she considered going back downstairs or into her makeshift room, but then the voices would be even louder. No, that wasn‘t an option.
„Yeah, like hell.“
„You don‘t have to be so mean.“ She lifted her head in defiance and hoped that he wouldn‘t snap.
She was wrong. So very wrong. Coming in her might‘ve been the worst idea she ever had.
„Shut up! Shut the fuck up. It‘s all your fault, dimwit!“, he roared.
Within a matter of seconds his eyes had glazed over and he stormed forward to her tiny form and pushed her in the chest with enough force to sent her crashing back into the door. Her back collided so hard with the unyielding wood that the tears sprang right back into her blue eyes. He slightly regretted his outburst, but it was only a second until he raked his hands through his light brown hair (which glowed in the california sun like woven-in pearls of gold) and paced through his room, muttering swear words under his breath. Picking mean nicknames for her was one of his favorite hobbies.
Shitbird. Piece of shit. Stupid girl. Worthless cunt. Annoying brat.
She was glad she didn‘t understand even half of it so that she didn‘t have to hate him. Though, she tried, but she had always wished for an older brother to protect her from all evil in the world. Now she wasn't so sure if he wanted to protect her at all.
Her lips trembled with the effort to not outright sob. He wouldn‘t like that. He couldn‘t handle crying girls. Avoiding him she slowly headed for his bed and quietly sat at the foot of it, crossing her arms in front of her little chest.
„Jesus, didn‘t anyone ever tell you to stop being so damn needy for love? I‘m not your fucking dog. I‘m not going to let you pet me, shitbird.“
„Don‘t call me that“, she pouted and wiped her tears with the back of her hand.
„What? Shitbird? Well, you are. Why do you come crawling back to me whenever mum and dad have a fight? Don‘t be such a crybaby all the time. It annoys me.“
„I‘m not a grown up yet. I need hugs and cuddles. Makes me feel loved, you know“, she admitted and folded her hands in her lap. I‘m not as cold as you, she thought to herself.
„Wow, grow up faster. Do you think my dad tolerates things like you? Disgusting little crybabies? No, he fucking doesn‘t.“
He finally stopped pacing and glowered at her. She shrank further into herself under his ruthless scrutinization, using her red hair to shield her from view.
„I don‘t feel like he‘s disgusted.“
He turned around and walked to tower over her, leaning his head down to be on speaking level with her. Her cheeks were dotted with ugly red spots from trying to choke down her sobs.
„Yeah? I don‘t have that feeling at all. Tell me about it. Maybe you can tell me what all the black and blue blotches on my body really mean.“
She flinched slightly and tried to duck away from his breath stinking of cigarettes. Most times she doesn‘t wanna hear about it and pretends Neil is just an asshole with too much confidence, but she can‘t ignore the hurt look in her brothers eyes. Slowly she lifted her head and looked him straight in the eyes, holding the intense gaze he inherited from his father.
„He wasn‘t like that.“
„What?“
„Dad. My real dad. He never hit any of us.“
„Yeah, lucky you with your love, peace and harmony bullshit. It‘s not rose-tinted where I come from. Now deal with it. It‘s going to be like that our whole fucking life.“
He let out a frustrated sigh, turned down the volume and plummeted onto the matress right next to her at the foot of the bed while the radio began to play some lazy tune. Peering at him from the corner of her eye she motioned to inch farther away from him, but he caught her leg and shook his head.
Her breathing hitched in expectation of some unpredictable move from him. It never came. He just loosened his grip and gestured for her to come closer to him. She eyed him warily, sizing him up. Did he have something in mind? Or was he actually trying to be nice?
Whatever. Seize the moment. It might never come again.
Closing the gap between them inch by inch she carefully curled up into his side, head placed on his shoulder, and breathed in his very own special scent of summer, ocean and sunshine with the faint smell of smoke. Her frantic heartbeat calmed down a little. He may not know it, but he is her safe haven when the world around her didn't make sense anymore, even if he didn't want to be.
His whole posture stiffened and he slightly bent his body in the opposite direction, but otherwise he remained as still as the sea. Breathing shallow, eyes closed. He‘ll never get used to being needed. To be loved just for the sake of it. There were always consequences.
Always.
„Relax. I‘m not going to hurt you, Billy“, she murmured and began to stroke his hair in soothing motions. Like a baby. Sometimes she thinks their roles are reversed. In the end it always turned out like this – him yelling and throwing things at her until she manages to push the right buttons til he calms down a bit for her to pick the pieces up.
His body went slack and he took a deep breath before he wrapped an arm around her waist and layed his head on top of hers. They stayed like that for a while, nobody wanting to be the one to break the silence first. The yelling from downstairs wasn‘t audible anymore. Maybe they shut up. Maybe they stopped turning everything upside down.
„Do you love your dad?“
„… No.“
„I don‘t love mine either. He was never quite there, you know? Always had something to do that was more important than me. God, how stupid I was.“
She shook her head in disappointment. He didn‘t say anything but that was okay. Talking about feelings was not his strength. He loved to make her feel all funny sort of things, but no, he never showed her a teensy bit of his emotions no matter how long she went on and on about it.
„Can you like … love me most? That would be the coolest. I promise I won‘t hurt you.“ She raised her head and looked at him expectantly in this complete innocent way only a child can look at you; her eyes shining with newfound vigor. He shot her a puzzled look and snorted. He actually had the audacity to snort. Idiot.
„Are you nuts? You‘re not my stupid girlfriend.“
She rolled her eyes.
„Will you?“
„No. Now get out of my room before I make you.“ He tried to shove her from the bed.
She stuck out her tongue and got up from the bed making sure to walk past him with swaying hips and her head held high. When she‘d unlocked the door and her head was about to vanish she stopped and poked it in again to look at him with an odd sheen in her eyes.
„I forgive you, you know."
„What the heck do you mean by that? Aren‘t you supposed to be like … leaving?“, he asked with mocking disbelief. She ignored him.
„For everything you‘ve done and everything you will do. It‘s okay. Then I know it‘s still you in there, dickhead.“
She smiled the brightest of smiles that had ever graced her lips with a hint of sad amusement dancing behind her eyes.
After the door‘d softly clicked shut he wondered for hours where she‘d learned to curse that crude.