Chapter Text
Since Seungmin was young, he’d had a fascination for anything and everything that was aesthetically pleasing. Going outside to see the flowers or taking a hike in the park were common pastimes of his. His grandma had a nice garden of various flowers growing, so he visited her more often than most grandkids would.
For his ninth birthday, his parents gifted him a digital camera. It wasn’t anything too special, but it became Seungmin’s most prized possession. He took it everywhere—making sure to use the protective case it came with, of course—and took pictures of even the most mundane things. By the time the storage was full a few months later, he’d amassed a collection of photos of oceans, the sky, gardens, buildings, and even things as simple as a sidewalk or a street sign. No matter how unimportant or boring the setting may have seemed, Seungmin found beauty in all of his pictures.
Often, he would give a story to these otherwise-lifeless images. He’d sit for sometimes hours at a time, creating scenarios for just a single photo. Eventually, this led to him writing these stories out. At first, they were just stream-of-consciousness pieces; he wrote what he was thinking as he was thinking it. However, as he grew older, they became more intricate, and dare-he-say more professional. He had a collection of poetry and short stories dedicated to his favorite pictures he’d taken.
But as he grew up, he started to feel the effects of his hobby. It was no secret that Seungmin was an avid photographer and writer, even to his classmates. He was the only boy in his middle school’s photography club, and, combined with his affinity for the softer, more precious things in life, the other kids began to target him. They would mock him for being “too girly;” they often told him to toughen up, join a sport; but their favorite was to call him gay.
That’s the word he heard most commonly from the other boys. They would spot him wearing pink and he was gay, they would catch him talking to the other photography club members and he was gay, they saw him taking pictures of his friends and he was gay. He couldn’t escape; no matter what he did, the boys deemed him gay.
He tried to brush it off; it’s not really an insult, right? But no matter what he told himself, he felt hurt by their words. He was comfortable with how he acted, how he dressed, his hobbies, and so were his friends, so why couldn’t everyone be?
It cut deeper, though, because he spent a good portion of middle school trying to figure himself out.
He had his first inkling that he was gay, or at least somehow attracted to other boys, in sixth grade. There was a new student—an exchange student from Australia of all places—who was very timid and didn’t really seem to have the courage to approach people first. They had math together, and Seungmin felt a strange attraction to this boy, so he was determined to befriend him. During their next partner assignment, Seungmin skipped over his usual partner—his friend Jaemin—and asked the new kid if he needed a partner. He did, of course, since he still didn’t know anyone else. The two ended up getting along shockingly well, and this boy, Felix, would go on to become one of Seungmin’s best friends.
Felix never teased him for his interests, and was instead fascinated when Seungmin told him about his stories. Felix begged to read them, and when Seungmin finally gave in, he was met with only the most sincere of praises. Compliments always seemed more valuable coming from Felix, and any criticisms (though few) felt twice as harsh. At first, Seungmin couldn’t tell exactly why he felt this way. His other friends would always accuse him of ditching them for Felix, but he never really felt like he did. It’s normal to want to spend more time with a new friend, right? He’d been friends with the others for years, he and Felix just had a lot to catch up on.
It wasn’t until halfway through seventh grade that he finally caught on. By that time, the bullies had long-since started their attacks. They must have gotten tired of him not responding to their insults, so they changed tactics. They would come up to him, and make fun of him for always spending so much time with Felix. They’d say they were sure they’d caught him blushing and staring, and began to use this as fuel. At first, he denied it, but when he realized they wouldn’t stop, he began ignoring them again.
But it made him think.
One night, shortly after this began, Seungmin sat on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He was shrouded in complete darkness, but somehow this made him feel safe. Nobody else could get him here. He was totally alone with his thoughts.
Do… do I like Felix? he dared to wonder. He thought about all the time they spent together, how often they made each other laugh, how comforting Felix could be when Seungmin or their other friends felt down. He thought about how nice Felix always was, and how he’d always hype Seungmin’s hobbies up. His mind drifted, and he let it wander. He pictured Felix’s smile, the way his eyes lit up whenever he was happy. He heard Felix’s laugh, which was always contagious. He felt himself smiling at the thoughts. He could outline Felix’s freckles, which were always one of Seungmin’s favorite parts of Felix. Felix was shy about them, so Seungmin complimented them every chance he got. He recalled the warmth he felt when they hugged; Felix was a touchy person, and Seungmin would always volunteer to be hugged by Felix. His mind crept, slowly, to Felix’s lips, and what it would be like to—.
No. Seungmin’s eyes shot open. He shook his head. There’s no way. He tried to doubt himself. He thought he was ready to face this, but the outcome was different than he expected. He thought he’d laugh this off later, maybe cringe when thinking back to it. He certainly didn’t expect to nearly fantasize about kissing his best friend.
More so than being scared of actually being gay, Seungmin was afraid that he’d end up proving all those other boys right. All this time they’d been calling him gay as an insult, and now he’d gone and proved every word true.
He hated it.
At first, he tried to pull away from Felix. He was certain his feelings would go away if he just spent less time around the person that made him feel that way. But seeing the disappointment in Felix’s eyes everytime he cancelled plans, or hearing the way the excitement seeped out of his voice when Seungmin dismissed something he said hurt more than any insult thrown at him could. Ultimately, his plan lasted for about a week-and-a-half before he gave in and apologized to Felix for acting so weird. He never explained why and Felix never asked.
Seungmin spent the next couple of years coming to terms with his sexuality. His photography became much more abstract; his stories became much more personal. He stopped letting Felix read all of his works, fearing that he may find the hidden meanings. He didn’t want Felix to become suspicious of anything, though, so he kept track of which were SFF, as he labeled them: safe for Felix.
As they entered their second year of high school, Seungmin finally felt comfortable enough in himself to come out. The bullying had stopped when they started high school; everyone realized Seungmin wouldn’t react to anything they said, anyways, but Seungmin suspected they were also beginning to realize that it wasn’t much of an insult, anyways. Their school had an LGBTQ club, and the kids there tended to be much less conservative. He saw several gay couples holding hands in the halls, and he’d always smile when he passed by. Whether they knew it or not, these people were helping him feel safe. Normal.
He started small. His fish was technically the first to find out. He kept whispering “I’m gay” to it, gathering the courage to say it to someone who would actually respond. Doing this also helped him get over the taboo behind the word. Despite already coming to terms with being gay, there was a disconnect when he actually said it out loud. It felt wrong, somehow. But repeating it so many times broke that feeling down, and he could instead replace it with a sliver of pride.
Next, he told Jaemin. The two had known each other practically since they were born; Jaemin was only about a month older than Seungmin, and their parents were friends, so they’d been together as long as either of them could remember. It was actually much easier than he’d thought it’d be. He’d invited Jaemin over while his parents were out, and told him almost immediately after Jaemin had closed the door behind him. Jaemin stood in shock for a moment, before confessing that he’d been waiting for the right moment to come out himself. They both ended up crying a bit, but it was mostly out of relief.
He told his parents after Jaemin. It was the same day he’d told Jaemin, who’d offered to stick around for moral support. Seungmin was incredibly grateful; he knew his parents were pretty open-minded, but he didn’t know how they’d react when it was their own son. As it turned out, they were fine. They told him they’d love him no matter what, and that being gay didn’t change him as a person. Jaemin held his hand throughout everything, which led to the pair awkwardly explaining that, no, they weren’t together, and Seungmin whispering that he already had a crush on someone else, anyways. He never elaborated, but he was pretty sure they all knew who he was talking about anyways.
Over the course of the next couple of months, he came out to the rest of his friends. He trusted them all, but he couldn’t help but have Jaemin there to help cheer him on. In the end, he had several much stronger bonds, and only a couple broken friendships. To those that didn’t support him, he could only hope they’d learn one day. His other friends wouldn’t let him dwell on these freshly-cut ties, and constantly reminded him that he was perfectly fine as he was. He would be forever grateful to have such a loving group supporting him.
The last person he told was Felix. He knew this would be the hardest one, and yet he told Jaemin he’d be fine on his own for it.
“Hey, Felix,” Seungmin started, just as the two had left the school building. They’d planned to go over to Seungmin’s house and play video games for a bit. Originally, Seungmin had wanted to wait until they were safely in his house, but he realized that if things went south, it’d be a lot easier to ditch Felix in the streets than kick him out of the house.
He didn’t expect this to turn out poorly. Felix was his best friend, and he’d support him no matter what, right? But he’d been wrong before.
“Hmm,” hummed Felix. He had his eyes on the ground as he walked; he could be a bit clumsy, so he tended to watch the ground to prevent tripping. This usually ended up in him not realizing how close he was to other people and caused him to bump into others pretty often. Seungmin found it almost endearing. He found a lot of things Felix did endearing. The Internet said that’s normal for a crush. Seungmin had a crush on Felix.
He decided to just get this over with. Prolonging it would just make him more anxious. He looked around once, to make sure no one else was within earshot, then closed his eyes and said, “I’m gay.”
He heard Felix stop walking. Tentatively, he opened his eyes. In those few seconds of silence, he began to jump to the worst conclusions.
Oh no he hates me I’ve ruined it god where’s Jaemin.
Instead, as he turned to look at the other boy, he was met with a blinding smile. He could feel his heart race at the sight.
“Yeah? That’s great!” Felix exclaimed.
“It’s… great?”
“Yes! It’s great!” Felix chuckled. “I’m bi,” he added.
Seungmin’s heart felt like it was going to explode. I’m dying, I’m actually dying right now, he thought. He wanted to respond, say anything in support or in thanks. But all he could think was that now, maybe he had a chance. And that was very dangerous territory.
“O-oh!” he stuttered. “That’s… great!” he smiled involuntarily as the words left his mouth. His cheeks burned as his mind raced.
There’s no way this would ever work out. He’d never like me!
“Actually, Seungmin,” Felix coughed. “I guess now that that’s out there, there’s something else I should tell you…”
And so, Felix became Seungmin’s first boyfriend.
For the following few years, Felix was Seungmin’s muse. He was the model in all of Seungmin’s photos, and the inspiration behind much of his writings. Felix had discovered he had a very soothing singing voice, so Seungmin sometimes wrote short songs for him to sing. Their friends would call them gross, and maybe they were a bit disgustingly sweet, but it worked for them. They were happy.
Seungmin’s favorite piece he’d written about Felix was a poem titled “Sunflower,” and it would become Seungmin’s favorite cheesy nickname for his boyfriend. Felix pretended to cringe every time, but he loved it just as much as Seungmin did.
As much as they planned to stay together forever, they both knew that they would likely have to cut their relationship short.
After senior year, Felix and his family planned to move back to Australia so he could attend his parents’ alma mater. It was a family tradition to attend this school, and Felix liked it well enough, so he couldn’t find it in himself to fight against it.
Neither of them wanted to break up, but they knew it was for the best. They didn’t think they could handle the pain and stress of a long-distance relationship. So, all they could do was cherish the days they had left.
On graduation night—just a few days before Felix’s family was set to leave for Australia—they marathoned several of their favorite movies. They sat cuddling each other the whole time, both having so many words to say and not enough time to say them. At some point, they stopped paying attention to the movies, and instead scrolled through Seungmin’s camera roll. There were a lot of the more professional pictures he’d transferred over from his cameras, but there were also hundreds of pictures of the pair throughout the years. It was a bittersweet reminder of the bond they shared, one that they knew could never be broken.
The day Felix left was even worse. They sobbed as they parted ways, not caring if they were making a scene. Their parents teared up, too, feeling the pain and sorrow radiating from their sons. They said their final “I love you”s and Seungmin made Felix swear that he’d call as soon as they landed.
That summer ended up being the worst few months of Seungmin’s life. Call him dramatic, but he had just ended an incredibly happy relationship with his first boyfriend ever. He was bound to feel the repercussions of it for a while.
He spent most of the summer hanging out with his other friends, who he’d admittedly neglected a bit since getting together with Felix. It helped distract him from his pain, and a few of them tried to help him come to terms with it by telling him their stories of their past relationships.
Slowly, he recovered. He and Felix kept in contact, though not as often as they had before. Both were busy preparing for college, anyways, so they had other things on their minds. By the time move-in came, Seungmin was ready to move on. He tucked away the stories and poems he’d written about Felix.
He was ready to find a new muse.