Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He’d done it. Dib had finally done it. He couldn’t help but laugh in astonishment as he stared down at his latest experiment: a small ray gun with a large, shiny-looking dish bowl on its muzzle. This, he was sure, would be his key to finally stopping Zim once and for all.

Standing before Dib was his sister, Gaz, an angry expression on her face. Normally, he would probably be expecting her to be punching him right now, but that wasn’t happening. That was all the evidence he needed that his experiment had been a quick success.

“I did it…I actually did it, Gaz!” he proclaimed, laughing victoriously again. He smiled giddily back at Gaz, who remained seething at him with both of her fists clenched. But she still didn’t move.

“Did what? And why can’t I move?!” she demanded, gritting her teeth.

“Why do you ask? Is it because you’re interested in what this is?” he asked, waving the ray gun in front of her.

“Yes, I’m interested in why that thing’s stopping me from punching you right now,” Gaz growled. Dib’s eyes immediately lit up. She had responded affirmatively…that was even further evidence that it worked!

“Let me explain, dear Gaz,” he said with a grin, causing his sister to look at him murderously. “You see, it all started years ago with the Pustulio incident – remember, when Zim tried to hypnotize the whole school with his hypnotic zit?”

“No.”

“Oh…well, anyway, that got me more interested in reading into hypnosis, since I saw it happen,” he moved on, too excited with his invention to be put down by Gaz’s derisive comments today. “But it was only these past few months that I really researched it further. Zim’s been on earth for, what, four years now?? Who knows how far along he is in his plans?!” He ignores Gaz as she rolls her eyes and continues talking. “With this ticking clock, I knew that I had to put all of my energies into this technology…and boy, did it pay off!” Dib said, flashing the fancy gun at Gaz again.

“What is that supposed to be?” she asked, annoyed. Dib grinned.

“Introducing! The…uh…” Dib started to say, but he faltered as soon as he realized that he had forgotten to name it. “Uh, well, the name doesn’t matter! But I want to include my name in it. What do you think of…uh, ‘the Dib-notizer 3000’?”

Gaz groaned. “Sounds lame.”

Dib frowned. Especially because he knew for certain Gaz was being honest right now. “Well, that doesn’t matter! It is a hypnotizing ray gun! All I need to do is point it at my target, pull the trigger, and it will emit multiple psychic waves your brain will subconsciously register. Once it targets onto your brain, then they will continue to focus on it, hypnotizing you into doing whatever I say and answering any question I have honestly!”

“Then why don’t I feel hypnotized?!” Gaz said, her eyes widening in an even greater anger.

“That’s the beauty of it!” Dib went on to explain, grinning. “You’re totally aware, even while you’re hypnotized! You don’t know what’s going on. But notice how you’re not moving? That’s because I told you to stay still and stop playing your video game after sending the waves to you with the contraption, and so you’re forced to follow my orders!”

“…so you hypnotized me.”

“Yes, exactly! But just as a test. A guinea pig, if you will. Don’t you see?” Dib said excitedly as Gaz’s eyes flared up in rage at being referred to as a guinea pig. “Now, I can go to Zim, point this at him, and then I can stop his evil schemes once and for all! First, I can tell him to stay still to stop him from running. THEN, I’ll demand that he tell me how far along he is in his plan to conquer Earth and put an end to it…and FINALLY, I will make him reveal his identity to the world, and he will be out of our hair for good! And the best part is he’ll be completely cognizant of everything he’s doing the entire time! AHAHAHAHA!”

“But isn’t there a way to turn it off?” Gaz asked.

“Hmm? Oh, right, well duh,” he said, chuckling as he pulled the trigger of the gun again, turning off the hypnosis rays. As soon as he did so, Gaz stopped being frozen and punched Dib squarely in the face, causing him to fall to the ground.

“OW! Gaz!” he yelped in pain, clutching his cheek. Gaz looked down at her brother angrily, but slightly less annoyed.

“Next time you spend three months in your room trying to build something to impress your alien boyfriend, DON’T wrap me into it too, stupid!” Gaz snarled. Dib stopped tending to his wound as he froze in shock at his sister’s words.

“D…did you just say ‘alien boyfriend’?” he got up quickly with wide, panicked eyes. But Gaz was already stomping off. “Z-zim’s NOT my boyfriend!” Dib cried out after her. “He’s a psychotic extraterrestrial hellbent on destroying our planet! I’m not into that!”

“Yeah, yeah, SURE you aren’t!” Gaz scoffed as she walked upstairs, her Game Slave already back in her hands. Dib could only watch as his sister went back into her room and slammed the door shut.

Sighing to himself, Dib tried to shake the punch off and muster up the courage he needed for the upcoming mission. Gaz was being ridiculous. Dib did not like Zim that way. Zim wasn’t just an alien; he was a bloodless, coldhearted killer who wouldn’t hesitate at the thought of killing him and everyone he loved if he got the chance to do it. That’s why Dib needed to stop him, and now, with this device, he was the only one who could do it. And Dib was going to do it. And Dib definitely, not in a million years would EVER feel that way for Zim.

…right?

Dib had been preparing for this moment for months. He had worked tirelessly on his hypnotizing ray gun for three months, skipping Skool, spending every waking hour of every day researching, building, and perfecting the device. He had taken a risk from removing himself from Skool life, of course; after all, as far as he knew Zim was still very much present. But it was a risk that he realized was worth taking. After all, so long as he noticed Gaz going to and coming back from Skool, then he assumed that his alien foe at the very least hadn’t destroyed everyone else at the establishment.

Besides, this isolated preparation gave him the advantage – Zim had probably thought that Dib had given up. But no. Dib was back, and he was stronger than ever!

After getting over what his sister’s physical and verbal abuse (he was used to it by now, after all), Dib strode confidently up to Zim’s not-so-secret lair, holding the ray gun behind his back with a smirk. With a flourish, he knocked on the door. In an instant, he heard a little robotic squeal from inside the metallic, fake house, and the door quickly opened to reveal GIR, Zim’s robotic henchman, disguised in his usual dog costume.

“DIB! EYE MISSED YOUUU!” GIR yelled, and before Dib was able to point the hypno-ray at the robot, he latched onto his side, giggling. “GIMME A KISS!”

“Wha—no!” Dib said, about to pull the gun out from behind his back before he realized: could the gun even hypnotize a robot…? Well, if this was still the same robot as before, then it probably didn’t make much of a difference. “Hey…do you think you can go stand in the corner over there and be completely, totally silent?”

GIR looked back up at him with wide, fake-puppy eyes. “Only if you gimme a kiiiisss!” the robot whined, pulling down the zipper and patting the top of his metallic head. Dib sighed in frustration.

“Fine,” he groaned, leaning down to peck the robot on the head. This only caused him to giggle even more.

“Eeehehehehehehe! Zim’s gonna be soooo jealous!” GIR shrieked, bouncing up and down as he went back inside, leaving the front door wide open. Dib’s eyes widened in shock once again – what did he mean by saying Zim was going to be jealous??? Was he saying that…

“Grr, no time to focus on that! That stupid robot is always saying something weird…” Dib muttered to himself as he stepped into his house, shaking his head.

“I suure do!” GIR confirmed, standing in the corner and facing the wall.

“I said be silent!” Dib reminded him. GIR saluted the wall, nodding.

“Okie-dokie!” the robot stated, going quiet. Dib sighed, looking around the living room as he closed the door behind him…where was Zim?

“GIIIR! What is that incessant noise?!” Dib heard from the kitchen. Zim. Feeling the hairs on his arm stand up, he pulled out the hypno-ray as he heard the sound of the alien’s footsteps. “Who was that?! Did you sufficiently scare them away in order to not bother Zim while he—”

As soon as Zim walks into the room, Dib pulls the trigger on the gun, sending the hypnotic waves to Zim’s brain. Dib grinned, hoping that the ray gun had worked. It only took a half-second later for Zim to realize who it even was at the other end of the room.

“DIB-MONSTER!” Zim shrieked, yelling at the top of his lungs and pointing back at Dib. Dib noticed that he was in his human disguise – which just meant that stupid wig and the contact lenses. “YOU! YOU’RE ALIIIVE?!”

“More alive than ever!” Dib quipped. Did that sound cool to say? He thought that sound cool to say. “And now, I’m back with the perfect weapon to put an end to your plans once and for all!” He showed off the ray gun, pointing at Zim as the alien recoiled.

“Do NOT point that disgusting thing at Zim!” Zim yelled, looking around the room. “GIR, do something! PROTECT ZIM!”

“I told him to stand in the corner and be silent,” Dib said with a smirk, crossing his arms smugly. Zim turned to look to the corner of the room, where he saw GIR facing the wall and twiddling his fingers together patiently. Zim groaned.

“CURSE YOU, DIB! In that case, I will have to rely on my even MORE reliable ally, who has been with me since the very beginning…MINIMOOSE, DESTROY THE HUMAN!” Zim said loudly, commanding the other minion that at this point Dib forgot even existed to make itself known.

Sure enough, the round, flying, purple moose quickly zoomed into the living room, an obedient and blank smile on its face. “Nyah!” Minimoose squeaked, reaffirming its master’s wishes before it zoomed towards Dib. Dib, thinking quickly on his feet, knew what he had to do.

“Zim, tell Minimoose to stop!” Dib yelled firmly, a flash of doubt crossing his mind for one moment over whether the ray gun would work on aliens. If it didn’t, then he was severely screwed.

Thankfully, though, the hesitation only lasted for one second. “Minimoose! Stop!” Zim said quickly. To Dib’s relief, the minion obeyed, stopping mere inches in front of him.

Hovering in the air, it turned back to a very confused-looking Zim. “Nyah?” Minimoose asked, confused.

“I…I don’t know why I told you to stop either, Minimoose…” Zim started to say, furrowing his brow as he looked from the flying moose to Dib. Grinning, Dib knew that he was in control now.

“Zim, tell Minimoose to go in the corner with GIR!” Dib instructed him.

“Minimoose! Go into the corner with GIR! Zim commands it!” Zim instructed Minimoose. The alien blinked a couple of times immediately after saying it, but Minimoose obeyed with a squeak, going into the corner with GIR. Zim’s eyes suddenly widened in realization. “DIB-HUMAN! YOU DID SOMETHING TO ZIIIM!”

“You’re right! I did do something!” Dib said, a triumphant look on his face as he began to explain. “You see—”

“AAAHH!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?” Zim yelled, interrupting him.

“Well, I was about to explain, you see I—”

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO ZIIIIM?!” Zim interrupted again.

Dib forgot how…intense Zim could be. He sighed, exasperated. “I—”

“WHAT DID YOU DO? ANSWER ME!”

“Shut up!” Dib said, annoyed. Immediately, Zim closed his mouth in response. The quick response time made Dib realize that he had actually ordered Zim to do that while under the power of the hypno-ray. It was unintentional on his part, but actually pretty nice to get some peace and quiet. This would be no fun if Zim was totally silent, though. “Well, okay, you can talk—”

“WHAT DID YOU—”

“—but STOP interrupting me!” Dib ordered, causing Zim to be silent for a moment. “And if I ask you a question, you are going to respond honestly!”

Zim squinted back at him. “And why should I take orders from a revolting, inferior human like you?” he asked. Dib grinned.

“Because you have no choice. Sit down, Zim,” he said, motioning towards the couch as he sat on one end of it. Dib watched with pleasure as he saw Zim obey him, walking over to the couch and sitting down on the other side of it with wide, panicked eyes.

“Eh? ACK!” Zim sputtered as he sat down, looking around the room and then back at Dib. “What is this…this puppetry? How do you have control over my body, earth-smelly?!”

“I’ve turned your own methods against you!” Dib explained, showing him the ray gun proudly. “You probably think this is a weapon, don’t you? But I’ve already pulled the trigger! As we speak, this gun is sending psychic waves to your brain, subconsciously hypnotizing you into doing whatever I say – and yet! You will also be completely aware of your actions and have no way to change them.”

Zim squinted at him. “So…you mean to tell me, Dib-boy, that you have spent three months secluded in your lair, away from Zim, just to create some crappy gun?” he asked. Dib scoffed, offended.

“No!” Dib said, pausing. Wait, that’s exactly what he did. “Well, I mean, yeah, but…this isn’t just some crappy gun! Now, I’m going to make you tell me everything you are up to! You get it? Your reign of torment is over, Zim!”

Zim’s eyes quickly widened as he threw his fists up to the ceiling, shaking them in a rage. “NOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU! CUUUURSE YOUUUUU!” he yelled. Dib thought he heard GIR giggle in the corner, but he wasn’t focused on him right now. As Zim stopped screaming, he looked back at Dib, a ferociousness in his eyes. “You will never get the information you are looking for! The almighty ZIM will not surrender so easily!”

“You don’t get a choice in the matter, Zim!” Dib said, beginning to get impatient. “So, will you answer everything I ask you truthfully and to completion?”

“Yes,” Zim responded immediately. Zim’s eyes widened as he realized what he just involuntarily said. “Oh, florp…” he cursed quietly as Dib grinned triumphantly.

“Okay, great! That was just a test. Now!” Dib said, sitting cross-legged on the couch opposite a very uncomfortable Zim. “The interrogation will start immediately! What is your plan?”

“GRR!” Zim growled, but he sighed, obeying. “The plan is simple. Step one! GIR was meant to go out to your hyooman grocery store in order to buy the necessary ingredients for tacos. Step two! GIR was to bring the taco ingredients here. And, finally…step three! We make tacos for Taco Tuesday – which is inevitable in spite of your treachery, DIB!”

Dib furrowed his brow. “Taco Tuesday? What…ugh, never mind,” he grumbled, annoyed. “I don’t mean your plans for today, Zim. I meant your plans for world domination! How do you plan to take over Earth?”

“Oh! Well, I don’t have a plan,” Zim said plainly, blinking at the human. Both Dib and Zim seemed surprised by that admission. “EH?! Why did I say that? You made me say that, human!”

“I told you to tell me the truth!” Dib said, leaning forward angrily as Zim shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “What is your plan to take over Earth?!” he asked again.

“I DON’T HAVE A PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH!” Zim yelled, repeating himself. Dib looked at him, confused – was he sure the machine was still working? Before he could begin interrogating the alien again, though, Zim sighed. “I…I think this is the truth, Dib-human, but…Zim has yet to admit it to himself yet.”

Dib tilted his head to the side skeptically. “What do you mean? Are you saying that…you’ve given up on taking over this planet on a subconscious level?” he asked hesitantly.

Closing his eyes and growling, Zim nodded. “Temporarily, yes.”

Even if Dib was forcefully extracting the truth from the extraterrestrial invader right now, he still found this hard to believe. “But…that makes no sense! What have you been doing these past three months??” he asked. “I was gone! Me, your greatest enemy! You had to have made some progress, right??”

“Well, I started to plan more about the destruction and doom of your world, but…I felt like it didn’t really matter anymore. So I did other, pointless things to pass the time,” Zim said with an almost melancholy tone. He had definitely calmed down, somewhat. “My Tallest have not contacted me in approximately two Earth-stink years…they have been ignoring my calls, and Zim has begun to think that perhaps they…forgot about my mission and moved on to another part of the galaxy…” he started to trail off, his large eyes widening in shock at his own words. “G-gah! Why must you make Zim say such things?! This is not the truth!”

Dib studied Zim’s expression. “I…I think it is the truth, as hard as it might be for me to believe,” he said, looking at his nemesis with astonishment. “You…you’ve given up. You’ve given up the invasion, haven’t you? Because your leaders haven’t contacted you?”

Zim nodded, frowning. “Yes, but not only that…Zim had grown agitated over the fact that no one was taking me seriously here. I felt like no matter what I did, no one would respect Zim or appreciate my schemes to take over your planet…only you would ever take me seriously, and once you left, I lost my purpose.”

“You lost my purpose? Without me?” Dib asked. Zim nodded in response. He had feared that his absence would have emboldened Zim more than anything – but to make him give up? “I’m sorry, Zim, but I’m having a hard time following all of this. Explain it to me.”

“What is there to explain, foolish earthworm? I came here to invade your planet – and yet you were always there to stop me. You respected me as the threat I believe I posed to your world, and when no one else respected me, I appreciated that. Not even my own leaders respected me. So, once you were gone, I fell into what you humans might call a depression. Zim…missed you,” the alien admitted, a sad but confused look on his face. It seemed like he himself was struggling to believe the words coming out of his own mouth and didn’t know what to think or feel.

Dib didn’t know what to make of this admission, either. In a way, it was even more surprising than the admission that he had given up on his invasion. Sure, Zim could be…eccentric…at times, and sometimes something he would say or do would be completely, undeniably stupid, but Dib had never thought for one second that Zim himself was an idiot, or somehow not a threat to this world. I mean, he’s an alien! He kind of has to be a threat.

But the idea that Zim missed him? Zim missed DIB? That completely took him off guard. And not only that, but Dib began to feel like maybe he missed the weird little alien, too. But right now, as Zim shifted uncomfortably in his seat on the couch, he was feeling a lot of things. Something weird that he wasn’t able to describe was sitting in his stomach…but more than that, there was this feeling of guilt and pity present, too. Dib didn’t know how he could feel guilty for abandoning an alien who was still his archenemy for three months, but, somehow, he did.

“Um, I missed you, too,” Dib said quickly, not even giving what he was saying a second thought. He only realized what he was saying right after those words came out of his mouth. Zim’s demeanor changed from one of sad discomfort to shock in an instant.

“What?” Zim asked, scrunching up his face in confusion. “Dib-brain, you do realize that I never would have admitted this if not for your horrible brain waves emitting from that machine, right? What’s your excuse?”

“I…don’t know,” Dib admitted, already kicking himself for saying that out loud. “I just…well, it’s true. No one really takes me seriously, either, except for you. Everyone else here thinks I’m crazy for spouting out these alien conspiracy theories…and you’re the only one who reminds me that I’m not crazy, because you exist. So, I can…understand what you’re thinking.”

“…oh. I see,” Zim said, not looking back at Dib. The alien actually seemed even more uncomfortable now than before, which surprised Dib. If anything, Dib would have thought that his admission would have given Zim some sort of ego boost. But now, he was looking around the room nervously, twiddling some of his fingers together.

“…Zim, is something wrong?” Dib asked curiously, tilting his head to the side. Shuddering, Zim nodded, and he sprung up to attention again.

“I-I…Zim is tired of playing these games with you, wretched human! Unshackle me from this mind control device immediately!” Zim snarled. Dib only grew more curious at the outburst, though. He really didn’t like something about that question. And if he was correct, there was a hint of fear in his voice…

“…Zim, what are you so afraid of?” Dib asked firmly. Zim blinked.

“I am afraid that you will ask me one too many questions about my mental wellbeing,” he answered. Zim only grew more and more uncomfortable at this line of questioning…meaning that Dib was onto something. He should try to specify his questions in order to get better answers.

“Okay, Zim. What is bothering you right now?” Dib asked.

“My mental wellbeing,” Zim stated. “I have a fear that perhaps I have gone…native.”

Dib furrowed his brow, leaning back slightly on the couch. “Native? What do you mean?”

Zim sighed. “When an invader takes too long on their mission and dawdles for too long, then it is not uncommon that they may…develop certain attributes of the local population,” the alien started to explain. “Attributes that are very…anti-Irken. I thought I had been safe from this effect through my sheer skill and prowess, but…there is evidence to suggest otherwise.”

Dib slowly nodded in understanding at Zim as the alien refused to meet his eyes. “Okay…so, what evidence do you think makes you think you’ve gone native?”

“Two things. The first is that I have built up a tolerance to most human foods. Still not the cafeteria food, but some stuff GIR brings back from his excursions. I even appreciate some of these foods,” Zim began. Dib didn’t blame him for not liking the cafeteria food – he wasn’t even sure it was edible for humans – but he didn’t want to interrupt Zim in order to make that clever quip. He would include it in his memoirs. “The second thing is that Zim has began to develop certain…human emotions. Emotions that are crushed and tossed aside in the raising of Irken infants, as these are not useful for galactical conquest. This is the most troubling development, and convincing evidence, so far. If fully realized, then my entire mission would be in jeopardy.”

Dib raised an eyebrow. “Hold on…I thought you said you were done with trying to invade Earth.”

Zim glared at him in offense. “Just because I have temporarily given up in your absence, DIB, does not mean I have given up entirely. I am an ELITE Irken invader, and an Irken invader NEVER forgets his mission.”

“…unless he goes native?”

The alien’s firm expression softened into weariness as he slowly nodded. “Yes.”

“Hmm…” Dib hummed, stroking his chin. This was definitely a very…interesting development. Perhaps the way to stop Zim was to help him fully realize all of these human emotions and turn him native. Or Dib could just isolate himself from the alien once again in order for him to postpone the invasion of Earth…but Dib didn’t really want to be away from Zim. And the idea of turning him into the authorities in order to be captured and possibly experimented on…didn’t feel right, even if that was his original plan. It didn’t feel right after what they had just shared. The first option sounded the most appealing to Dib, even if he didn’t know why he wanted to be around Zim now. The thought of Gaz’s snide comment from earlier about his ‘alien boyfriend’ still haunted him, after all…gah! Time to think about something else!

“So!” Dib clapped, rubbing his hands together as he moved on to ask another question. “What human emotions have you felt so far that used to be foreign to you?”

This question got the most nervous reaction out of Zim so far, and Dib couldn’t help but notice something that looked like sweat but probably wasn’t sweat on the alien’s forehead. “Erm, loneliness. I felt lonely without you. And I also felt…” Zim paused. It looked like he was trying to find the right words. “I suppose…it would be the most similar to what you humans call…‘love.’”

Dib’s jaw nearly dropped. He was not expecting that. Zim, the invader from the stars who had come here to wipe out or enslave the entire human population of his planet, was capable of feeling LOVE? Dib couldn’t believe it…it was impossible…

“…why is the Dib’s face so red all of the sudden?” Zim asked. It was only then that Dib realized that his face was feeling very, very warm.

“H-hey, I’m the one asking the questions here!” Dib snapped, trying his best to get rid of his blush. He scratched the back of his neck, trying to come up with a quick question to hopefully dispel any of the thoughts that immediately bubbled to the surface in his head. “S-so! You feel love? What for? Humanity in general? Life? Your robots?”

“…no. None of these things. Zim hates humanity, and Zim hates life, and Zim…likes my minions,” he admitted, glancing at GIR and Minimoose as they sat and hovered in the corner, respectively. “B-but…this is different. Love refers to a desire to do icky, sexual things with another, yes?”

Dib wanted to scream. “W-what makes you think that?!”

“Your hyooman sexual education courses that I tried to sit through, but could not finish completely. They made Zim vomit,” he said, disgusted. “Zim does not even have most of those gross appendages! But…” Zim paused. Probably realizing that he had already answered the question and was therefore not obliged to speak. Dib needed to prompt him, even though Dib was in the midst of a full-scale panic right now. Somehow, though, he was able to compose himself.

“…b-but what?” Dib asked. Zim frowned.

“I…it is difficult for me to describe,” Zim said, sighing. “It is like…the reproductive nature of this action is not all that this ‘love’ entails. It also means to be close to another organism, to want to make them happy, and to…make them feel gooey inside, the same way that this organism makes you feel gooey inside.” Dib’s heart almost leapt out of his chest. He had never heard of a more romantic way to describe what ‘love’ is…and it was coming from someone who had never experienced love before, someone who wasn’t supposed to feel love…but was still undeniably loveable…

…and that’s when Dib realized that he loved Zim.

“Dib-thing, is this interrogation over with…? I…I tire of your presence…” Zim tried to say, but his usual bravado and evil confidence was gone. He seemed more…nervous now. More scared than usual. And for once, Dib felt like he could read his mind even without the hypno-ray. He smirked, moving closer to the alien on the couch with the gun in his hand. Zim fidgeted even more nervously now.

“You don’t really tire of my presence, do you?” Dib asked smugly. He swore he saw Zim blush…or at least, the Irken equivalent of a blush. Slowly, Zim shook his head. “Take off your disguise. I want to see the real you, Zim,” Dib ordered.

Zim’s hands moved automatically, yet shakily, to take off the wig and the contact lenses. His antennae, which he had hidden under a fake head of hair, were now twitching spastically as Dib looked into Zim’s large, crimson eyes. Dib grinned as he inched closer.

“You never told me who you loved, Zim,” Dib noted. Zim tried to scoff, but it came out more as an anxious cough.

“Th-that’s because it is private information…Dib-stink…” Zim stuttered. Dib hummed, grabbing onto one of Zim’s fidgeting hands as he pointed the hypno-ray at the alien, causing the psychic waves to stop firing at Zim’s brain. It was important for Dib now that he assert his control through more…natural…means.

“You want to tell me anyway?” Dib asked teasingly, putting the gun to the side. Zim glanced at it, but at this point was too focused on Dib at this point to pay it any attention. Zim growled, staring at Dib intently.

“Quit teasing Zim…this is a very delicate subject matter…” Zim started to say, but Dib was growing impatient. Quickly, he moved on top of Zim, pressing him down onto the couch. “H-hey! Off of me, insolent human! I-I…you are threatening Zim’s entire mission with this physical contact!” Zim hissed. Dib was unperturbed.

“If you want me off, you can push me off. I know you’re strong enough,” Dib said, shrugging with a smug smile. Zim’s expression remained unchanged from before, but he made no moves to push the human off of him. “I thought so…oh, and about your mission. There isn’t going to be a mission for you, Zim. Because I’m going to teach you everything about those human emotions you’re feeling in order to compromise you. You’ll have no choice but to surrender.”

Zim’s eyes narrowed as he began to say something else. “Y-you…you wretched, foul—” he started to say, but was interrupted when Dib knew he couldn’t hold himself back anymore. Closing the gap between him and the vulnerable alien, he kissed Zim on the lips. Zim let out a squeak, but made no move to push him away – in fact, he only made the kiss deeper, allowing his alien, serpentine tongue to mingle with Dib’s. At first, Dib couldn’t believe that he was actually kissing an alien, but he quickly stopped thinking about it like that. No, he was kissing Zim; and that was all that mattered to him.

Gradually, the two pulled away from each other with flushed faces and heavy breaths. Dib realized that he had his mouth hanging open, still shocked at what he had just done; but, for the record, Zim’s initial expression wasn’t much better. Surprisingly, though, he looked…happy. Happier than Dib had ever seen him, at least. There were traces of a genuine, kind, loving smile there, and at that moment, Dib knew that he was slowly cracking through the tough alien exterior.

It didn’t last long, though, as Zim quickly devolved back into his usual angry state. “ARG!” Zim groaned, a deep blush now very clearly visible on his face. “WHY must you turn Zim’s insides into goo, human?! You have infected me with something else!”

“Yes I have…I think I infected you with the ‘love bug,’” Dib said, snickering. Zim’s eyes widened.

“THERE IS A BUG IN ZIM?? WHERE DID YOU PUT IT?!” Zim shouted, pushing Dib off of him in an instant. Falling onto the other end of the couch, Dib doubled over laughing at how serious Zim had taken the comment.

“It’s not a literal bug, Zim, I was joking!” he explained through his laughs. Zim was still looking at him very suspiciously, and Dib couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Come on, Zim. You can’t say that didn’t feel good for you.”

Zim blushed. “Th-that’s…SILENCE!” he said, giving Dib the only answer that he needed. He glared at the human before he stood up, putting his hands on his hips. “Well, Dib-human, it appears that you have fallen victim to this icky, human ‘love’ feeling as well, and while I find it annoying, Zim understands that he is a very attractive being and that someone as simpleminded as you can’t help but fall for me and my superiority,” the alien said matter-of-factly, his smug attitude roaring back to life once more. “I pity you, truly. Therefore, Zim has no choice but to accept your feelings of love for me.”

“No choice, huh?” Dib repeated, smirking at just how easily flustered the alien was getting. “Well, if that’s the case, then I suppose I’ll stop trying to expose you for the alien menace that you are…so long as you stop trying to take over the world.”

Zim squinted back at Dib. “I shall only agree to these terms if you accept Zim’s invitation to stay for the Taco Tuesday as the first official part of the traditional human romantic ritual!” Zim stated. Dib blinked in surprise, blushing as he realized what Zim meant.

“Is…is that your way of asking me out on a date?” Dib asked, dumbfounded. Zim nodded stiffly. Dating an alien might be weirder than Dib had originally thought it would be in his head. “Okay, I accept. Taco Tuesday it is.”

“Eeeexcellent!” Zim grinned, proceeding to laugh like a maniac. It was the same type of laugh Dib was used to Zim doing whenever he had foiled one of his plans to expose him…this time, though, while Dib couldn’t say that everything had gone according to plan, he couldn’t say it was a failure. After all, he had gotten Zim to officially halt his invasion…and maybe he gained something even more valuable. An ‘alien boyfriend.’ If there was one thing Dib had to admit now, it was that his sister was much more perceptive than he had originally thought.

“GIR!” Zim bellowed, walking over to the other side of the room. The robot, who had somehow been sitting silently in the corner the entire time, turned around to stand ready for attention, his eyes turning red. “Go out to the store to buy the necessary ingredients for tonight! TACO TUESDAY SHALL COMMENCE!” Zim declared, striking a dramatic pose before also adding, “oh, and bring Minimoose with you.”

“Yes, my master!” GIR said with a salute before his red lights turned back to their regular light-blue hue. “Weeeee! We’re makin’ tacos! Candy tacos!” he squealed, running out towards the door. With a squeak, Minimoose followed him, closing the door behind them…somehow.

Dib’s eyes had been on Zim’s two minions as they left the base. “Hehe. How long do you think they will…” he started to say, turning back to Zim, but he stopped mid-sentence as soon as he noticed what Zim was holding: it was the hypno-gun. The alien had gotten it while he had been distracted. Dib’s eyes widened as he saw Zim pull the trigger.

“AAA-HAHAHAHA!” Zim laughed, gripping onto the gun with a grin. “The human has fallen victim to his own instrument! The instrument of your DOOM! ZIM COMMANDS YOU TO SIT STILL!” Dib felt his body feel compelled to remain motionless on the couch. Zim loomed over him, walking towards the couch and making himself taller by standing up on the spider legs attached to his PAK.

“Zim?! W-what are you doing??” Dib asked, nervous. “I thought we were done with one-upping each other!” Zim continued to laugh evilly in response.

“Oh, Dib-brain! We are never done. Especially now that you have agreed to be my date-thing,” Zim said, grinning as he stared at Dib closely. “Now that we are alone…Zim requires information from you. Zim commands that you tell me everything you know about the human dating. First, you shall explain to me the significance of the kiss. Then, you must talk more about the icky gooey feeling, and then about the feelings that come alongside it…ESPECIALLY in regards to this…sex.”

As Zim continued to laugh, Dib felt his face turn white, now regretting every decision he had made so far that had led him to this moment.

“Oh, shit.”

Chapter Text

If there was one thing that Dib definitely did not want to talk about with Zim, the alien originally sent to invade his home, it was…sex. Although, to be fair to Zim, Dib didn’t really like talking about sex with anyone. Under further interrogation, though, he doubted there was anything he could do; after all, he was under the control of the hypno-ray now (did he still like calling it the Dib-notizer 3000? He didn’t think he did anymore).

Zim gradually stopped laughing after a minute so for a while as Dib remained sitting in stunned silence. “GUAAHAHA…haha…heh…” he paused, cocking his head to the side as he looked at Dib with what looked like curiosity. “Eh? Why is the Dib-thing silent? Zim gave you a command!”

Immediately, like he couldn’t control the words coming out of his mouth, Dib let out a response. “You asked me too many things at once, the gun works best when you ask one or two questions at a time,” Dib responded as he felt his face heat up. “Also, I’m, uh…p-pretty overwhelmed right now.”

Zim considered Dib for a moment, his scarlet red eyes concentrating on the human’s facial expressions for a moment. After a minute, though, he nodded, retracting his spider legs back into his PAK as he stood in front of him. “I see. Very well, human smelly, one question at a time. What does this human dating ritual primarily consist of?” Zim asked. Dib was blushing a deep red as he felt compelled to respond.

“E-erm, w-well, a lot of things. Most people go on dates…or, uh, special get-togethers one on one doing a lot of things. Going to the movies, going out to dinner…uh…and, y’know, people who date like kissing, like we just did…” Dib faltered. He had been acting so confident beforehand when he knew he could control Zim…and even after that. But now that Zim was trying to regain control over the situation, his overactive mind was bouncing all over the place.

Zim frowned. “Dib-thing, did you think ZIM would not notice that you have left out the sex?? This is the primary purpose of a date, isn’t it?!” he asked. Dib groaned. For Bigfeets’ sake, why did he have to ask about THIS??

“No, and no,” Dib answered, sighing. “Didn’t you say yourself that love was more about sex? It’s about making the other person happy. Just wanting to spend time with them…and making them feel ‘gooey.’ That’s how you feel, right?”

“ZIM IS ASKING THE QUESTIONS!” he yelled, pointing at Dib dramatically. Dib hated that a part of his brain was now actively finding that cute, now that their emotions were out in the open for the first time. “And I know all of this! There is no need to repeat it. So, you do not think about the sex at all during your dates?”

Dib, much to his own horror, shook his head. “No…” he said, causing Zim to grin.

“AHA! Your filthy, perverted, sexual mind-thoughts from your abnormally large head have been revealed by my superior Irken interrogation methods!” Zim proclaimed triumphantly, sitting down on the other end of the couch with a knowing grin.

“…but you’re just asking me questions, like I did with you earlier…”

“SILENCE!” Zim interrupted him, forcing Dib to be silent. Zim paused for a moment. “…well, okay, you can talk. But answer my questions, too! You MUST answer me…what is this sex?”

Never, ever, ever, ever in a million years did Dib EVER think he would have to give Zim the talk. If he could disappear and run away right now, then he definitely would. But unfortunately for him, Zim had ordered him to remain seated on the couch. This was agony.

“W-well…there are a lot of different types…and sex can have a reproductive nature, or it can just be for, uh, pleasure…so it’s a very difficult question to answer…” Dib said honestly. Zim sighed impatiently, waving at him dismissively.

“Yes, yes, Zim does not have the patience to understand the minutia of your icky sex acts. What is the most common function of the sex, though?” Zim asked persistently. Dib shuddered.

“W-well, I guess, when a man and a woman love each other very much…” Dib cringed internally as he started with that classic line, “…and they decide they want a baby, then they have…penis-in-vagina sex. I-in order to have that baby.”

Zim squinted. “I do not understand. Explain more of this to me.”

Dib tried hard not to scream. “SO. A biological human male has a penis and a biological human female has a vagina. And when the male—”

“What are these organs?”

AAAAAAHHHHH, Dib thought. “A penis is the part of the body in between a male’s legs that acts as the reproductive organ. It’s this…uh, sausage-like thing. When it is aroused, it tends to…become erect,” he said, wincing in pain at every single word he was being forced to say. “And the vagina is…u-um, i-it’s like a hole…and females have it…we both need these things to pee, and—”

“Oh! You are talking about your respective human genitals. Zim knows about this,” Zim said, understanding immediately. Dib’s face immediately flushed even redder in embarrassment.

“THEN WHY DID YOU NEED ME TO EXPLAIN THAT?!?” Dib screamed, mortified. Zim shrugged.

“I just forgot the terms. Does this conversation make the Dib uncomfortable?” Zim asked, nonplussed. Dib sputtered.

“Y-yes! YES, Zim, this IS making me uncomfortable!” Dib emphasized. Zim sighed.

“Fine! Then only a few more questions on this subject. Explain to me how this sexual action finishes. The human sausage goes into the human hole, yes?” Zim asked.

At this point, this conversation was physically hurting Dib, but he nodded. “Yes…and then it releases sperm, which goes to fertilize the egg inside a female’s womb. And that’s how a human baby is born,” Dib concluded in a very tiny voice. Zim nodded.

“…I see. Fascinating,” Zim said. It looked like he was going to ask another question on the same topic, but right as he opened his mouth Dib knew he had to stop him, or else he might explode from embarrassment.

“ZIM, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU, STOP ASKING ME ABOUT THIS!” Dib yelled, pleading with him as Zim looked at him startled. Zim narrowed his eyes back at him.

“I only ask out of professional curiosity, not because I wish to take part in this act, hyooman!” Zim snarled, crossing his arms across his chest. “Irkens do not have this type of the sex, after all! We are born in cloning facilities, where there is no procreation of this sort. Zim does not even have the proper appendages in order to have this sex with you! I do not…” Zim began to continue but paused for a moment as his eyes widened in a serious manner. Remaining frozen for a moment, he eventually slumped back in his seat, much of the excitement suddenly out of his body.

The two of them sat in silence for a minute, Dib not knowing what exactly was wrong but hoping that he would be able to probe a little bit further…even if Zim was the one still holding the ray gun. “So…what do you have?” Dib asked, cautiously.

Zim blinked, looking back at Dib with a surprised expression as his antennae twitched. “It is…this is unimportant!” Zim snapped, losing his temper for a brief moment before composing himself. He seemed flustered again. “That is a very personal matter for Irkens…”

Dib knew that Zim could get him to stop asking these questions at any point…but so long as he didn’t have a specific instruction not to, he could get away with it. “Well, so are your questions for me, too!” Dib countered. Zim shook his head, looking frustrated.

“Disrespectful fool boy! It is different,” Zim said, taking a moment to explain. “For you humans…sex is everywhere. I see it in your advertisements, on your television devices…everything OOZES with the sex thing! I notice it on a subliminal level, and even I, the great ZIM, am not entirely sure what it is!” He sighed. “On Irk…we have lost all ability to reproduce naturally. Much more efficient this way, through cloning. So, there is none of this…sex…in sight.” Zim seemed to shiver at the word, as if just thinking about the idea of Irkens having sex was disturbing to him. “It…this is why Zim needed to know what the sex was used for. It is the one thing my Irken brain had yet to decipher.”

“…oh. I see,” Dib said, at a loss for words. Zim’s antennae seemed to droop as he looked away from him with what might have been disappointment. Dib couldn’t help but feel concerned. Before he began to ask what was wrong, though, Zim started to speak again.

“…part of me was hoping that the sex would be relevant to our relations. But from what you have described, I cannot accomplish this task…” Zim sighed, looking away from him with a forlorn look in his eyes. “It is clear to Zim now that he is incompatible with you for the sex, because of my lack of a human hole and inability to reproduce…you would likely prefer another love-partner to consume with your sausage…” Dib furrowed his brow. Hilariously crude descriptions aside…was he really thinking about it in those terms?

“Zim, come on, I don’t care about that at all,” Dib said. Zim looked back at him, unconvinced.

“You must not lie to Zim, I command it! Do these icky, gooey feelings you have for me revolve around the sex?” Zim asked. Dib quickly shook his head.

“N-no! It’s like you said…there’s more to love than sex. It’s all about making the other person happy, right?” he said. Zim only squinted back at him.

“Yes…that’s what I said. Because that is what my non-sex-polluted brain thinks. But you said yourself that you think of the sex. Is your brain not infected with this thought?” Zim said skeptically.

“Well…no. I don’t think so. I never really thought about sex too much…until I met you,” Dib said, the psychic waves from the ray gun forcing him to spit out that last part. He immediately groaned as soon as he said it, though, as Zim jumped up on the couch, backing away from him.

“GAH! YOU LIE!” Zim said, pointing at him again.

Dib scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I’m literally incapable of that right now,” Dib noted, feeling his face heating up once again. Zim lowered his hand, but was still on the defense.

“Explain yourself, then, Dib-human,” Zim stated.

“Zim, I never really felt any sexual feelings towards anyone else before,” Dib started, not really knowing what he was going to say…he didn’t know how to explain himself mainly because his feelings towards sex had always been muddy. But, it seemed like he was about to de-muddify them. “Most other humans are into…uh, y’know, humans. And even when everyone in skool was getting boyfriends and girlfriends, I couldn’t even manage to FAKE being attracted to anyone. At first I thought I might be asexual entirely…which, by the way, I would have been okay with. That way, I COULD have spent more time studying the paranormal on my own then thinking about…that. But then, you came. And I invested so much time into you, to the point where I was barely thinking about anything else. And then…feelings blossomed from there, both romantic and…sexual…” Dib trailed off, not looking back at the alien across from him out of embarrassment. Did…did he really think that? Well, he wouldn’t have said it if it hadn’t been true…

Zim only stared back at him, genuinely shocked. “Y-you…you mean to tell me, human…” Zim started to ask, gulping. Dib saw the blush back on the alien’s face. “…you have never been sexually attracted to any other being but Zim?” Dib only nodded in response, still embarrassed by the subconscious admission. “But…you know that you cannot have the sausage-in-hole sex to procreate with me, right?”

“YES, I know that, Zim!” Dib yelled, hiding his face in his hands. “But I was never attracted to the sex you made me describe in the first place! I-I…oh, god…I want to have other types of sex with you. For pleasure. I-it’s…I want to help you feel good.”

Zim’s antennae were twitching quite a lot now, and as Dib peeked back at the alien through his hands, he noticed that he seemed just as flustered as he felt himself. With a shaky hand, Zim put down the hypno-ray, clutching his head as he groaned, turning away from him. He seemed upset…but not his usual upset. Dib was used to Zim being angry-upset. But now…Zim just seemed confused-upset, like he didn’t know how to process all of this. Dib couldn’t help but relate.

Dib eyed the hypno-ray gun that was now defenseless on the couch. Zim had never told him not to use it…and actually, he kind of needed to talk to Zim seriously and know that he was telling the truth. Reaching forward to grab the gun, he pulled the trigger, freeing him of Zim’s mind control, and then pointed it back at the alien across from him. Zim only turned to look back at him as soon as he had pulled the trigger again.

“Wha—HEY!” Zim roared, gritting his teeth in anger as he lunged forward. But Dib, by now quite a bit taller than him, was able to keep the gun out of his reach. “NOT FAIR! I AM INTERROGATING YOU NOW!”

“Zim, I’ll answer whatever questions you want, but I need to know that you’re being honest with me!” Dib insisted, pushing him back as the alien tried to swipe at him. “Come on, this is important!”

Zim snarled, but paused as Dib grew serious. Biting at his lip nervously, he slowly nodded. “…very well. Go ahead, ask whatever questions you need to extract the necessary information,” he said, averting all eye contact Dib tried to make. Dib sighed. He knew the Irken most certainly wasn’t trying to be cute in defeat, but he definitely was.

“…so, humans don’t always have sex just to reproduce. Like I said, we can sometimes do it to have pleasure, in order to make each other feel good,” Dib started to explain. “Is there a way that Irkens can feel this way, too? This sort of…sexual pleasure?”

Zim was blushing furiously now, and obviously the topic had hit a very sensitive spot…but the alien answered, nonetheless. “Y-yes…” he said, stuttering slightly. “It is a very taboo subject. The Tallest do not want us to know all of the ways we can experience this sexual pleasure…even I, Zim¸ do not know. But…there is one known way that an Irken can feel this pleasure, even if we cannot reproduce.”

Dib’s eyes lit up, but he tried to hold back his enthusiasm. “Okay…how do you feel it?” Dib asked, trying to be as delicate as he could. Zim’s antennae twitched again.

“It involves…touching,” Zim started to say. “As soldiers, we are trained to refrain from physical intimacy. It is a hindrance to our mission of galactic conquest, and the Tallest do not wish for us to have a loyalty to anyone but themselves…they consider it rude. Romance, and therefore, the sex, is forbidden among our kind. We only take off our armor in order to clean ourselves…so, our bare skin underneath it is very sensitive, even to the slightest touch. As are our…antennae.” He shuddered. “IF a love-monkey were to undress Zim, and…cuddle…with him, then I would experience a similar feeling to a human…erm, organism.”

“…organism?” Dib cocked his head to the side. Zim stared at him impatiently.

“The…the thing! When you squirt your foul human liquids! You described it!” he sputtered. Dib’s eyes widened as soon as he realized what he was talking about. “O-of course, Irkens no longer are able to have that liquid because we are sterilized in the birthing facilities, but the tingly feeling is the same, I think…”

“…Zim,” Dib said with a deadpan, getting his attention. Zim’s antennae raised up in curiosity.

“Yes?”

“…did you mean to say orgasm?”

Zim nodded, blushing embarrassedly. “Do not expect me to know all of the terms for your revolting human bodily functions, dookie-brain.”

Dib couldn’t help but blush himself as he stared at Zim with fascination. “So, you’re telling me that the way Irkens have sex is…is through cuddling?” he asked, just to confirm. Zim only nodded. “Wow…you know, I know that your people conquer a lot of planets, but I never expected them to be so…wholesome. That’s seriously adorable.”

“There is nothing ‘adorable’ about the mighty Irken race, inferior pig-headed Dib!” Zim said, scoffing at him. “B-besides, this cuddling action is seen as the most taboo thing an Irken can do. The cuddles are very…obscene.”

Dib couldn’t help but laugh for just a moment at how bizarre what he just said sounded, but stopped as soon as he saw Zim’s expression. He looked even more nervous than before, and as his antennae drooped, he even looked a little hurt. Dib immediately felt bad. Sure, the whole cuddling thing was cute, but it was something Zim took seriously…what right did Dib have to mock it? And…well, cuddling with Zim actually did sound pretty nice…

…that’s definitely a thought Dib didn’t think he would have had earlier today…

He was about to ask Zim another question, but at that moment, the door to Zim’s house/base suddenly swung open, and a happy-looking dog carrying many grocery bags followed by a flying moose walked into the house. “I BOUGHT BURRITOOOS!” GIR said, unzipping the hood of his dog costume and throwing the bags at both Dib and Zim. Both of them shrieked and tried to dodge it, but only ended up falling on top of each other as the bags hit them square in the faces.

“GIR!” Zim bellowed, pulling one of the burrito tortillas out of the grocery bags. He looked at the robot angrily. “…I told you to buy TACOS, NOT BURRITOS!” he yelled, rolling the r in burritos. “IT IS CALLED TACO TUESDAY FOR A REASON, GIR!”

“…what is the reason?” Dib asked, furrowing his brow. Zim looked back at him with an equal sense of confusion…and then, realizing that Dib was literally on top of him, pushed him off roughly to the floor, still not over fully being flustered. As Dib landed to the ground with an “oomph!”, Zim seemed to collect himself enough in order to let out an evil laugh.

“AHAHAHA!” Zim laughed, pointing down at Dib as he got up from the ground with a wince.

“Oooooh, master’s blushin’! Yer cyoooot!” GIR cooed, sticking his tongue out. Zim immediately stopped laughing, his expression switching from amusement to embarrassment to horror to anger all in the span of one second.

“LIES! Stop spreading these FILTHY, FILTHY LIES!” Zim screamed, and even though Dib was still recovering from being pushed off the couch, he couldn’t help but chuckle. He saw Zim scan the groceries, which were now strewn across the living room like a whirlwind had gone through them. “And WHERE are the taco fillings?? Where is your beef, GIR?!”

“Mah beef’s wid your attitude!” GIR snapped back haughtily, grinning as he added, “I didn’t wanna eat a cow, cows are mah friends. I told you I was gonna buy candy for it!”

“I THOUGHT YOU MEANT YOU WERE GOING TO BUY CANDY AND BURRITOS, NOT CANDY FOR BURRITOS!” Zim shouted, glaring at GIR as he turned his attention to Minimoose. “Minimoose! I would have expected these shenanigans from GIR, but I made him bring you along because I thought you would supervise him! What is the meaning of this??”

“Nyah!” Minimoose squeaked reasonably. That gave Zim some pause.

“Fine, you make a good point,” he admitted, sighing. “But this is no ordinary Taco Tuesday! Zim is on a date with the Dib-human!” Dib blushed. In the heat of the moment while they were talking about sex and cuddling, he had honestly forgotten that he had agreed to have a ‘Taco Tuesday’ date with Zim…in exchange for Zim agreeing to stop trying to conquer Earth for good. “How am I supposed to impress him if I do not have the necessity of tacos??”

Dib couldn’t help but fondly smile at the alien’s desire to impress him. “Consider me impressed, Zim,” he said, walking over to him and patting him on the shoulder. “Tacos…uh, I mean, candy burritos sound perfect. Thanks for getting them for me, they’re my favorite food.”

Zim looked back at him suspiciously, squinting. “…I think you’re lying.”

“What?? No…” Dib said…unconvincingly. Zim continued to squint at him until, out of the corner of his eye, he saw the hypno-ray on the ground. Reaching over in a flash to pick it up, he turned it off for himself, but before he could point it at Dib, the human was able to snatch it out of his hands. “Nope! If this is going to be our first date, then it’s important that neither of us are doing it under duress. Let’s agree not to use this thing for dates.”

Zim stared at him for a while longer before he relented, stepping back and waving the gun away. “Very well. But you must warn Zim before you use this device again, or else I shall exact a revenge like which the world has never seen,” he said almost casually, before turning to GIR dramatically. “BUT NOW! It is time to prepare…THE BURRITOS!”

GIR saluted him seriously before he ran into the kitchen with some of the ingredients. Sighing, Zim picked up the rest and followed him. “Wait here, date-human. I need to make sure GIR doesn’t burn anything down. But once we are done…prepare your filthy human food-hole for the food of DOOOOOM!” Zim proclaimed, striking a dramatic pose for a moment for a moment as he raised the burrito wraps and some candy bars above his head. He stopped after a minute, though, shrinking a little bit. He almost looked…embarrassed. “I-I mean…date. Food of date. Date-food, if you will. Um…WAIT HERE!” Zim pointed at him again before sprinting into the kitchen, where Dib only heard him shout various things at his robot.

Dib couldn’t help but feel intrigued by all of this…Zim was certainly out of his element. To be fair, Dib was, too: he was so used to fighting his alien nemesis that now that the two were…dating…he didn’t really know how to handle him. He had spent three months in isolation working on the weapon he thought would allow him to defeat Zim and expose him to the world once and for all…maybe those months away from him really did make the two of them see each other in a much different light.

Dib knew one thing for certain, though: he had always been excited at the idea of Zim being vulnerable in front of him. For the longest time, he thought it was because he just wanted to capture Zim and save the world…and maybe he did, at least at first. But now, though, there was a different type of excitement there at the thought of Zim undressing…

And as Dib sat back down on the couch and waited for Zim and GIR to finish making their candy burritos, that’s when he decided. He decided he was going to cuddle with Zim.

The candy burritos were actually pretty good. Tooth-rottingly sweet and not nutritious in the slightest, but pretty good. But what was better was talking with Zim again. As the meal went on, Dib noticed his former enemy become more and more relaxed as he joked, laughed, traded banter with him…he thought it was actually rather pleasant. Dib had missed the quirky, weird little alien.

“I observe that the filthy human has fallen victim to my cooking,” Zim grinned smugly, reclining back in his seat as Dib finished eating. GIR was now starting to clean…or, rather, eat, their empty plates.

“I guess I have,” Dib said, chuckling. “Thanks for the meal.”

Zim laughed. “We are already at the completion of our first date, and you have already fallen helplessly in love with Zim! Aahahaha!”

Dib blushed. He wasn’t totally off. “Oh? And you haven’t?” Dib retorted back. Zim blushed back in response for a moment, and Dib felt like he knew the answer. But the alien tried to play it off, throwing his head back to laugh again.

“OH, FOOLISH HUMAN!” Zim cackled forcefully. “That is not how it works! Zim has provided a romantic gesture towards his love-monkey, and the love-monkey has not reciprocated yet! Therefore, the balance of LOVE is uneven…and in the advantage of ME, ZIM!”

Dib raised an eyebrow. He had to admit, love-monkey sounded much more endearing then the usual stink-monkey, or stink-human, or dookie-brain, or…wow, Zim had been building a collection of pet names for him this whole time and he hadn’t even realized it. “I’m…not sure that’s how love works, Zim,” he said, a playful smile on his face. “Also…if you do want to give me the chance to reciprocate, then I can oblige.”

“Eh?” Zim looked back at him suspiciously. “The first date is over, Dib. You have lost your opportunity.”

“Who said it was over? Don’t you want to…cuddle?” Dib teased, curious to see what Zim’s reaction would be. In response, the Irken turned even paler as his mouth hung open in shock. He sat in silence for a moment before he cleared his throat.

“D…Dib, d-do not joke about something so…delicate…” Zim muttered, crossing his arms as he looked away from him. Dib shook his head, reaching over to grab Zim’s shoulder. The alien jumped. For a moment, Dib considered using the hypno-ray in order to force him to answer honestly for this next question, but he quickly realized that this was a delicate subject. It was best if he allowed Zim to answer honestly and without any sort of pressure.

“I’m not joking, Zim,” Dib said seriously, trying his best to calm him down as he looked squarely into Zim’s large, crimson eyes. “Listen…for humans, sex is a pretty delicate thing, too. And an important part of it involves consent. Do you know what that means?”

Zim started to nod but looked uncertain. “Of…of course I know…as in, you consent to me destroying your planet,” he said. Dib frowned, shaking his head.

“First off, I don’t,” Dib said.

“It was a joke, human date-worm.”

“Second off, though, it means something slightly different in a sexual context,” Dib started to explain patiently. “It means that…it means that if you want to do something sexual, then both you and the person you want to it with need to agree that you want to do it. If one person’s uncomfortable, then you don’t do it.” He looked at Zim carefully, moving his hand down to place it on top of the alien’s. Zim looked down at his hand. “Zim…if this makes you uncomfortable, then you can tell me to stop. I don’t want to force or pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do. But I also don’t want you to be afraid of me, either…so…” he began to trail off, looking Zim back in the eyes again. “…do you want to cuddle?”

Zim looked back with a mixture of fear and nerves as he shook a little bit. Dib tried to make him relax a little bit by squeezing his hand…even though he wasn’t sure if that would result in him calming down or making him even more jittery. To his relief, it seemed to do the former.

Slowly, after a little bit of hesitation, Zim nodded. “Y…yes…but I have fallen prey to yet another one of your human emotions…” he gulped. “F-fear.”

Dib couldn’t help but smile affectionately at him. “Hey…there’s nothing to be afraid of. Have you ever cuddled before?” he asked. Zim’s eyes widened.

“No! Of course not. It is forbidden in Irken society,” Zim said quickly. “Even more so than the mouth-sucking we did earlier, which is also not…not allowed.”

Dib hummed, scooting his chair a little bit closer to Zim’s. “Well…I’ve never cuddled, either. But not because it’s forbidden here. Just because I’m a loser,” he said, hoping that the semi-joke would further help Zim relax. Zim snorted, a small smile on his face.

“So…what you are saying is this would be the first time that either of us would do the cuddle,” Zim reasoned. Dib nodded. The two sat together in silence for another minute before Zim stood up, taking Dib’s hand to pull him up with him. “Very well. Follow me,” he said, looking out of the kitchen to the living room. GIR and Minimoose were already preoccupied watching TV. “We shall do it downstairs.”

Dib blinked, surprised as a blush began to creep back onto his face. Oh, lord, they were actually going to ‘do it.’ Dib had never been more nervous about the prospect of cuddling before. Holding onto Zim’s hand, he followed him to the trash can, in which the two squeezed into before they were transported down the tube, deep into the heart of Zim’s base. Usually a place he would kill to go to, but now…well, his motivations had changed quite a lot.

“So, are we…”

“Silence. Zim will explain everything once we get there,” Zim stopped him, putting a finger to his lips. Nodding, Dib closed his mouth. The elevator-like transporter stopped abruptly, revealing a small, surprisingly comfy-looking room with a decently large bed in the middle.

“This,” Zim started to say awkwardly as he stepped into the room, “is my bedroom. Or, at least, it would have been. A little while after I first came here, I studied the general layout of a regular human household and told the computer to make a few extra rooms…a bedroom is one of them, but it was never fully implemented into the actual house. Zim usually falls asleep in my lab, or I don’t fall asleep at all. Superior Irken non-sleeping capabilities…or whatever,” he mumbled the last part, scratching his arm.

Dib followed him into the room. It was definitely a little weird looking for an average, human bedroom…after all, there was a poster on the wall that said ‘very popular human musical band! (exciting for your ear canals!)’ with a musician playing an instrument that definitely looked alien. But the bed…actually looked pretty comfy. Slowly, he sat down on the edge of it, looking back at Zim. The alien definitely didn’t seem to be in his element anymore.

“…Dib-thing,” Zim prompted, blushing. “It does not make Zim comfortable to do anything else with you other than this action. Already, the cuddling will make me more vulnerable than I have ever been…understand this.”

More vulnerable than he has ever been. Dib’s eyes couldn’t help but light up. Zim was putting his trust in him…he didn’t realize that Zim was capable of trusting anyone other than himself. Not only that, but he had ample reason to not trust Dib already. And Dib had ample reason not to trust Zim, either. But something about that ray gun had gotten him to break down his barriers in a way that Dib couldn’t have even imagined was possible earlier. If he had heard those words earlier – that Zim was vulnerable – Dib might have dropped everything in order to take advantage of the situation and foil his plans for good. Now, though, all he wanted to do was make sure Zim knew that he was being respected.

“I understand, Zim. I promise, I will respect those boundaries,” Dib swore. Zim blinked back at him again before nodding. Then, ever so slowly, he began to take off his armor…literally.

Dib sat in a stunned silence as he saw his gloves, boots, and then gradually his uniform fall to the floor. Only one garment around his waist was left on him, which Dib assumed to be some sort of Irken underwear. And then there was his PAK, which Dib assumed he couldn’t take off. Everywhere else, though, all Dib saw was that pale, green skin. And he couldn’t stop staring. And Zim was beginning to notice.

“…Dib-human, you are supposed to take off your garments, too,” he said with an embarrassed huff to get his attention. Dib, whose face was very red, snapped out of it and quickly nodded, taking off his shirt and pants as fast as he was able. It was only after he was only in his underwear that he realized that now Zim was staring right back at him. The two of them locked eyes for just a moment before Zim, blushing intensely, sat down on the bed next to him. He was back to fidgeting nervously, and for whatever reason, Dib had a feeling that Zim wouldn’t be the one to take the initiative and dive in headfirst.

So that’s when Dib wrapped his arms around Zim and started cuddling the damn alien.

“GAAAH!” Zim shrieked, flinching as his antennae twitched. Dib quickly pulled away.

“Whoa! A-are you okay?” Dib asked. Shakily, Zim nodded.

“I-I…I told you, I am very sensitive underneath my armor…” Zim mumbled. “P-please be gentle…”

Dib’s eyes widened. Zim had just used the word ‘please.’ He didn’t think he had ever heard the irritable alien say that word in his life. But Dib nodded carefully, and slowly wrapped an arm back around Zim’s bare shoulders. The Irken shivered as the two slowly began to lie down on the bed.

Dib wrapped his other arm around him. “Is this…how do you feel?” he asked cautiously, both of his hands rubbing Zim’s back. It was meant to relax him, but the alien was only getting more jittery. But he nodded.

“I-it is…this is supposed to happen…” Zim reassured him, inching closer to Dib on the bed. “I-I feel…really good…keep doing that, please…”

Dib nodded quickly, letting on of his hands graze Zim’s side in order to gently pull him closer. To his surprise, though, the fidgeting alien let out a moan and buried his head into his chest. To get this type of reaction out of him only encouraged Dib even more. His hands continued to move along Zim’s back, taking pleasure in every moan and whimper that he made as the alien curled up along his chest. He was breathing pretty heavily now.

“Your skin’s, like, really sensitive…” Dib hummed as he cuddled with the shaking alien, rubbing circles into Zim’s back with his hands. It wasn’t too hard for him to believe that Zim was feeling some sort of sexual pleasure right now…after all, Dib was feeling a little bit pleased himself. Now that his hands were on him, Dib could actually barely keep them off of the alien’s skin. He had always thought of Irkens as cold and hard…but surprisingly, Zim was soft. And made for a very good cuddling partner.

Zim shuddered as his hands clung onto Dib’s sides, slowly tilting his head to look up into Dib’s eyes. “D-Dib…why did you leave me be for so long…?” Zim asked quietly, a gentle yet hurt edge to his voice. “I…I missed you…” he added, a quiver to his voice. Dib couldn’t help but be worried. Did Irkens usually get sentimental like this when they were getting it on…?

“I’m sorry Zim…I was working on that ray gun…” Dib said, kissing the top of his bald head as he continued to knead his back. Zim shivered again.

“Y-you could have at least called…if I had a phone, that is…” Zim added, moving slightly up Dib’s torso. He wasn’t as short as he used to be when he first got here, but compared to Dib, he was still pretty short. He stared into Dib’s eyes with a pleading look. “Dib, I need you…and I don’t know why…but you can’t do that again,” he said. Despite being practically massaged into ecstasy at this point by him, there was still something forceful in Zim’s voice that Dib was able to recognize.

“If you’re not trying to take over the world anymore, then I won’t have to. I promise,” Dib said, leaning a little closer to Zim’s head as he rested his forehead on here. He chuckled. “And besides, making me your boyfriend is a pretty good excuse to stop me from going away for a few months.”

Zim’s face became even more flushed as he let out another moan. Blinking rapidly, he leaned forward to kiss Dib on the lips, squeezing his eyes shut. Dib was a little bit startled, but happily returned the kiss, taking his response as a yes. Dib grinned into the kiss as he stroked Zim’s chin, one hand moving up to the top of his head. Zim had said that his antennae were really sensitive…testing just HOW sensitive, Dib curled one antenna with his other hand.

Immediately, Zim recoiled. “GAAH!” he yelled, his body growing stiff for a moment and then lax the next. Dib jumped in surprised as Zim breathed heavily.

“Zim! I’m sorry!” he quickly apologized, pulling him back to gently hold his cheek. Quivering at first as he opened his eyes and looked back into Dib’s, his body slowly stilled. “A-are you okay?!”

Blinking a couple of times as he caught his breath, Zim slowly allowed himself to smile playfully back at him. “Idiotic human,” Zim said after taking a deep breath, the smile turning into a smirk. “I just…you just gave me my first organism.” It took Dib a minute to register exactly what Zim meant, but then he remembered the mistake from earlier.

“…you mean orgasm,” Dib said. Zim seemed to roll his eyes…or at least, the equivalent to rolling his eyes. “I, uh, I wasn’t expecting it to be that quick…or clean.”

Zim’s antennae quirked, confused. “Zim told you, he is sterile. I do not have your goo,” he said. Dib couldn’t help but laugh, causing Zim to glare at him. “And this was my first time…do not judge Zim!”

“I know, I’m not!” Dib insisted, trying his best to muster a serious apology. He failed as giggles escaped him. “Hehe, sorry…the noises you made during it were cute!” This, Dib quickly realized as Zim’s eyes widened in rage, was not the correct thing to say.

“CUTE?! PITIFUL HUMAN! ZIM IS NOT CUTE, ZIM IS INTIMIDATING, AND I COMMAND THAT YOU RESPECT ME!” Zim screamed, but his tirade only made Dib giggle harder. Zim blushed even harder, and eventually elected to grab the pillow Dib was laying on and hit him squarely in the head with it.

“Ow!” Dib held his hands in front of his face, defending himself against any more potential pillow onslaughts. He knew he only had one option now. “Okay, okay, I surrender to you, O mighty Zim!”

Zim had picked up the pillow for yet another assault, but he smiled smugly as Dib cowered. Putting the pillow back down underneath his head, he laid back down wrapping his arms around the human’s torso. “I’ve been waiting for you to say that for years now,” he said. Feeling Zim hugging him, Dib opened his eyes and looked down at him, only to see a very wide, genuine smile on his face, his eyes closed. Dib couldn’t help but find it adorable as the Irken let out a contented yawn. He guessed that now that he had actually climaxed, the cuddling now wouldn’t be as…intense. That was a good word to describe what just happened. Much more intense and energy-consuming than Dib had thought cuddling would be. Dib felt himself yawn too, unbelievably tired.

“Keep in mind, human…” Zim muttered, his eyes still closed as he wrapped around Dib’s torso a little tighter. “Don’t mistake what happened here for a sign of vulnerability. It was only because I allowed myself into this position that I acted with what a human might think to be sensitivity. My emotions have not been compromised, however,” he stated plainly. Dib couldn’t believe that he could say that with a straight face while also hugging him tightly.

“Oh, I understand. Doesn’t mean that it wasn’t cute,” Dib quipped tiredly, a grin on his face as he hugged Zim back. “Fearful, but cute.”

Zim growled, shifting on his side slightly. “If you ever leave me again, I will not hesitate to kill you, everyone you love, and all…” Zim paused, yawning again, “…all of humanity, too.”

“Uh-huh…guess that means I’m staying the night, huh?” Dib joked again, slowly drifting to sleep along with Zim. Or, at least, he would have been. Because before Zim completely fell asleep, he was able to say one last thing.

“…just wait until tomorrow…when I do the human sex with you, Dib…then we will see who makes the jokes…” Zim struggled to say through his exhaustion, chuckling evilly until he started to snore.

Dib’s entire body froze up. That idea definitely kept him up for a good part of the night.

It took hours for him to even start to feel tired again…and by the time he did, Zim had already been long asleep, nuzzled into his chest. Zim’s warmth (yet another thing Dib hadn’t expected to describe Zim as…warm) helped calm him down eventually. But then, he heard his phone buzz off on the table that acted as an okay-ish impression of a nightstand next to Zim’s bed.

Reaching over to it, Dib immediately went back into panic mode as soon as he saw who it was: Gaz. He hadn’t told anyone that he had decided to stay the night at Zim’s. Mainly because he hadn’t been expecting to…earlier today, he had expected to be talking with the most renowned scientists across the world in order to explain his discovery and capture of Zim, the first known extraterrestrial. Well, he had certainly discovered some things about him, alright…

Quietly, Dib answered the call and put the phone up to his ear. “H-hey Gaz,” he whispered, trying not to wake up Zim. Glancing down, he saw the alien frown and move a little bit in his sleep, but thankfully not fully awaken.

“Dib. I’ve tried texting. Where are you?” she asked, and even over the phone Dib could hear the annoyed and pissed off tone in her voice. “You weren’t at dinner, and Dad noticed.”

“I’m…uh…well, y’see…” he started to say quietly, but Gaz interrupted him.

“Why are you whispering?” she asked, decidedly not even attempting to whisper. Dib felt Zim stir a little bit more in his sleep.

“It’s…uh…” Dib started to say, in a slightly louder whisper. He really, really didn’t know how much he should tell Gaz. This was all so fresh and new. She was her sister, but…maybe it was best to keep this under wraps, for now. Which meant that he needed to come up with a convincing-enough lie. “Uh, I’ve snuck into Zim’s base!” Dib whispered into the phone. “And it’s really important that I keep quiet. I, uh…I used the hypnotizing gun to stun Zim for a bit, but he’s…immune.”

“So he’s immune, but you were able to stun him,” she repeated loudly in a deadpan. Dib heard Zim growl in his sleep. “And what are you doing in his base?”

“Uh…research!” Dib whispered. “Very important research while he’s…stunned. But don’t talk so loud, or else he’ll hear me and—”

“Dib-boyfriend! Zim is trying to sleep!” Zim yelled loudly, interrupting him. Dib immediately froze, looking down at…Zim-boyfriend…who was looking at him with tired, bleary eyes. “Cease your chatter or else I will stop with the non-sexual cuddling!”

Dib froze, remaining deathly silent. He couldn’t help but feel a mixture of joy and adoration at being called ‘Dib-boyfriend’ as well as horror while he braced for Gaz’s reaction on the other end of the line. “Oh. My. God.” Gaz said after half a minute, the shock on the other end of the phone apparent. The shock was only clear for a second, though. “Heh, called it.”

“Gaz, I—”

“Nope, you’re talking about it later. Go back to sleep with your alien boyfriend,” Gaz said, chuckling. “Just do one thing and use protection. Even if you’re an idiot, you’re still my brother and I care about you enough to the point where I don’t think you should get some weird space STD.”

“GAZ!” Dib shrieked in horror. Zim blearily opened his eyes again and growled at him crankily, digging his hands into the human’s side as if he thought squeezing him tighter would make him shut up. Dib winced. “I’ll explain this tomorr—” he began to say, but Gaz had already hung up.

“Finally…” Zim muttered, falling back to sleep within seconds. Dib looked down at him after he had calmed down from the embarrassment. Despite shouting at him just moments earlier, Zim actually looked calm and peaceful – not to mention irresistibly cute. Sighing, Dib went back to hugging Zim as he slowly closed his eyes.

Even if he had to live with a million more ‘I told you so’s from his sister, he figured it was probably worth it just so he could be with his alien boyfriend.