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Castiel used to be a man of God. Castiel used to come over to Dean's apartment when Sam was still in town and weave these intricate stories that Dean's never heard because Dean never read the bible. Dean used to attempt to make dinner while Castiel looked up new take out places on the computer. Sometimes they just ignored the act and just ordered in as Castiel told Dean more stories.
Castiel liked writing. It was one of his favorite passions.
No matter how often Castiel washed his hands he always had black ink smeared all over his palms. Castiel didn't let anyone read anything he wrote but he left it open when Dean was around. It was one of those unspoken things.
There were a lot of unspoken things about them.
It started slowly.
First Castiel wouldn't call Dean, he would have to call Castiel and half the time he never picked up. He was busy, Dean understood that. But it was slightly out of character on his part for him not to call Dean. That's how things began. Castiel called Dean and Dean started picking up his phone, which is how he repaired his relationship with his brother.
He stopped calling and he stopped going to church. It wasn't just church. Castiel stopped talking about God altogether. If Dean ever brought it up his eyes got darker and he asked if he could have another slice of bread. Dean thought it was just a phase. Just a phase and then Dean's friend would return.
Then he started hanging out with Andy. Which, whatever. Castiel was allowed to hang out with other people. Dean didn't have a monopoly on his time. He was allowed to hang out with people who weren't really doing anything with their lives.
People who would bring Castiel down. But he didn't say anything about his sudden friendship with Andy. That wasn't Dean's breaking point. Dean's breaking point was when Castiel stopped writing.
He stopped writing and that might have been the worst part of it. After Dean figured it out he snapped.
The last page that Castiel ever wrote in Dean's presence read:
everything you believe is a lie.
*
Dean stood outside of Castiel's apartment wearing his police uniform. He wanted to do this just as Dean not Officer Winchester but he didn't really have a choice in the matter. It had been years since he had been over to that side of town but he just had to be there. Had to talk to Castiel. Especially after what had happened.
If he didn't he was going to have to arrest him.
There were people surrounding Castiel's whole floor in his apartment complex. No doubt they were all there for Castiel.
"Life's a party, Dean," he once told Dean and that's when Dean hit him in the face because he had changed.
All the squatters, he wondered if it still counted as squatting if someone owned at least one room they inhabited, couldn't take their eyes off of him as he walked down the hallway. It was obvious that he didn't fit in. His badge glared in the dim hall light and shone in all of their eyes. All the room numbers lit up in his "officer" badge that lay right over his heart.
It was obvious he didn't belong.
It was when Dean found Andy that he finally realized that he knew someone in that damned building.
"Andy?"
Andy looked up and he looked worse than the last time Dean saw him. "Here for the Cashbah?"
Dean coughed. "Excuse me?"
"Castiel. Are you here for Cas?"
Dean swallowed. He didn't realize that anyone else called him that. He thought it was reserved just for Dean. Guess he was wrong.
"Yeah."
Andy took a last hit on his cigarette and just flung it into the hallway before he gestured for Dean to follow him.
*
Before Castiel had lost his faith in God, humanity and Dean he had written Dean a letter. It was clearly not meant for him but he was one of the subject matters so it might as well have said "Dearest Dean, I wrote this for you."
the man I love doesn't think God exists. I am a true believer. I think this is one of the most beautiful love stories.
They never spoke about it but Dean still had the letter. He knows that the letter would have evolved if Cas continued writing it.
(It would read: The man I love doesn't believe God exists. I think his soul is beautiful.
There is a man and there may be a God. I am Castiel.
There is no Dean. There is no God. There is no hope.
Dean left today. At least I think he did. Andy's over now so it's a little hazy. )
Dean wrote his own letter to Castiel but never sent it. "If God truly doesn't exist, I hope you never realize it. There might not be a God but you're an angel."
It sits in his top drawer next to Castiel's letters.
*
Andy led Dean up to Castiel’s room and it reminded him of the first time he took him to a strip club. He was so on edge but now he lived in that decadence. There were alcohol and condom wrappers everywhere. He sucked in a breath as he saw the handgun on the table. What they said about Cas was true. Sam was right and Dean hoped he was happy.
Dean found his way to Cas. There were two ladies on his lap, a line of coke on the table and Cas didn’t even know Dean had entered the room. In uniform, even.
Dean scowled and cleared his throat three times before anyone in the room even noticed. The blonde looked at him and giggled before Cas smiled sheepishly and told them to get out. They gathered their clothes and tried to evade Dean’s eyes as they left. Cas looked right up at Dean like he knew why Dean was there and he welcomed it.
Cas thought Dean didn’t have enough balls to arrest him.
Dean didn’t know how right he would be, honestly.
“Top o’ the mornin’ Lieutenant Winchester,” Cas greeted from the floor. That made almost every single cell of Dean that wanted to gather Cas up off the dirty floor and give him something better retreat back into Dean’s secret desires. He was here on a job.
He nodded. “Mr. Pempti,” Dean snaps making Castiel’s eyes look at his face. It hurts to know this is what Cas became without him but Cas is the one who left Dean so obviously he knew he was going to make it out alright. “I need to ask you a few questions but I’m sure you already knew that.”
Cas grinned up at him. “Officer, I promise you that girl told me she was 18.”
Dean ignored his comment and got his notepad out to jot down some information but his eyes caught an almost comical pile of money in the corner of his room. Actually it was comical for Cas and Andy because neither one of them had a job. “Where did that money come from?”
Cas evaded the question the best he could by trying to distract Dean with his mouth but Dean shook him off. “Answer the damn question, Cas. Or how about a new one? Where were you last Tuesday night?”
“I miss you,” Cas blurted and Dean can’t do this. “I miss Sam too but not as much as I miss you and your…perky nipples,” he smiled at the end and Dean wanted so much to just give in.
“You didn’t even know I was in the room,” Dean informed him trying to keep a level head about this. “So I’ll ask you again. Where were you last Tuesday night?”
Castiel looked away and Dean knew he was pleading the fifth but Dean was pleading in his head. He yanked Castiel’s hair back and his Adam’s apple jutted out looking delicious but he couldn’t resist.
“Kinky. Knew you missed me too big boy,” Castiel whispered.
“They have you on tape, Cas,” Dean said. It was the truth. The dumbasses they were didn’t even wear ski masks when they robbed the bank. Andy waved at the camera for Christ’s sake. “If you confess you’ll get a lesser charge. Just work with me Cas.”
Cas swallowed and Dean didn’t believe in God.
Dean didn’t pray.
But Dean was praying to God that Cas would just confess. If Dean ever meant anything to Cas that would prove it to him. Dean would accept him as he was, criminal or not. Just one sign that he wanted to do better. One sign that he really and truly missed Dean.
He licked his chapped lips and eyed the handgun and money for a few seconds. “What tape?”
The hardest moment of Dean’s life was handcuffing Cas in a strictly professional way and locking him in the backseat of his squad car.