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The ground is cold. It's how he knows he's not dead. The ground is cold and his knee is throbbing. The pain is familiar, and the cold. Space is cold and star destroyers enormous; heat is a luxury, even for the Supreme Leader.
The ground is cold and his knee is throbbing and his head hurts. It's too much to process. The Falcon was cold, too, he remembers the Falcon being cold. But not like a star destroyer. A star destroyer is the kind of cold that can't be warmed.
It's too much to process. His whole life is public record. His whole life is a cypher. Every time he thinks he's found the answers another secret is revealed. The story twists, the past changes, and he's running to catch up again. Nothing is solid. If he stands up the cold ground will crack and swallow him whole.
The ground is cold and his knee is throbbing and his head hurts and his heart aches. His life is made up of lies and liars. His parents, his uncle, his mentors, his followers, his peers. Himself most of all. Every one a liar or a lie. Every one. Everyone. Except her. She scared him with the truth. Scarred him with the truth. Saved him with the truth.
Where is she? Where is he? Where is the enemy? Who is the enemy? His head hurts. It's too much to process. It's so dark and the ground is so cold and he is so tired. He wants to stand up, he needs to stand up. But nothing is solid. Nothing is true. Except her.
Whoever is hurting her is the enemy. Himself most of all.
"Ben." A voice from memory, a voice from across the stars.
He grunts. Pushes up off the cold ground and twists to take pressure off his knee. Pain shoots through his whole body and he cries out.
"Ben," the voice says again and he feels a presence beside him, a warmth closing in. It is familiar. He remembers. She made the Falcon feel less cold.
He blinks, forces his eyes to open. He is at the bottom of a deep pit. The light is far, far away, blinking in and out like lightning. The fight is far, far away.
His angel is beside him, bathed in a pale blue glow, her hair full of flowers and starlight. He hasn't seen her in so long. He grew up and learned the truth and she was replaced by the spectre of Vader, the inevitable darkness within his soul. But that truth was also a lie.
His head hurts and his heart aches and he is so cold. So afraid. So alone.
"You're not alone."
Rey! He feels her fighting. He feels her. The pull to the light.
"You were never alone, Ben."
He meets his angel's eyes, wide pools of compassion. He was a child when he saw her. Is she real? Or just a memory?
I am every voice inside your head, Palpatine told him. But that truth was also a lie.
Ben! His father's shout filled the cavernous bowels of Starkiller Base. Ben froze as the tiny tendrils of Han's Force signature grasped at him through his armor, his fear and his pain, and lodged in his heart.
See you 'round, kid. Master Luke, Uncle Luke, disappeared with the smallest of smiles. Ben stared at the scorched earth that surrounded him, the abandoned base, the broken line, the array of destructive machines under his command. His uncle's death sent ripples into the Force, the very stars seemed to shift.
Ben. His mother's voice drowned the clash of sabers, the relentless waves, the steady pounding of his heart. He dropped his guard and Rey struck. Leia's soul surrounded them and then broke apart, shattered into a billion pieces, the legacy of Alderaan, of rebellion and consequence. Of honor. Rey's tears honored his mother.
Hey, kid. Just a memory. But a memory of love in the face of destruction. His father's hand on his cheek, his father's hand on his heart. Still there, forcing it to beat.
The voices echo in the dark. Ben. Ben. Ben. The angel opens her hand, reaches toward him.
I did want to take your hand. Ben's hand. Rey's eyes, always a tornado of accusation and acceptance, desire and disgust, now calm. Beautiful, sad... but kind. Leaving him the choice.
He grasps his angel's hand and she pulls him to his feet.
"Climb," she tells him.
He nods, grasps the rock wall and starts to scale it. Pain shoots through his whole body. He inhales sharply, grits his teeth and pushes up. He feels a presence beside him, fighting the cold, fighting the fear, fighting the dark.
"We're with you, Ben. We're with you, always."
He climbs. Rises up out of the dark, away from the cold, toward the light, to Rey.