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There was something peaceful to Steve about the hours after a battle, something in the way the air seemed to still and how the world held its breath. He didn’t envy the Avengers in their sacrifices and constant fights against powers that should crush them yet miraculously never did. But he did wish they would stick around and help clean up the messes they always made. Stark seemed to do his best after the fact with rehabilitation and endless streams of workers who would flood the destroyed streets and clean up the battered buildings. Of course, that would be tomorrow; tonight, the regular civilians would be banding together to do what they could.
Luckily, he and Bucky lived far enough out of the city that their apartment was nowhere near the destruction. But Steve had a studio a few blocks from Central Park, and Bucky worked for Stark Industries, so they were always in danger when they weren’t home.
Steve called Bucky’s cell for the third time, sighing when he answered. “Hey Steve. Is everything okay?”
He laughed. “Not really. Your boss and Spiderman and some wizards just fought some aliens down by the studio, so I’m calling it a day. When are you getting off work?”
“Um- What?” He wasn’t talking to Steve anymore. There were voices in the background, but Steve couldn’t make out what they were saying. “It’s Stevie. No. He’s asking when I’m coming home. Shut up. Okay, whatever. Sorry, Steve, you still there?”
“Yeah. Is everything okay?”
“Yep, coming home now. Apparently when the boss flies off into space, Pepper gets to send everyone home for the night. See you in a bit.”
“Bye Buck.” Steve hung up, drowning himself in that silence again. He was okay, Bucky was okay, and that was all that mattered.
He started thinking about what to make for dinner.
***
They watched the news all day, not really expecting to get any answers about the newest threat to the world. Or the universe, some sources were saying. An alien was threatening to destroy the universe today. Bucky kept laughing it off. “Just another Friday in New York.”
But this felt wrong to Steve. There was something bigger going on, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He just had this horrible feeling deep in his gut that something was going to happen, and it was going to be devastating.
“Steve, I know that face. Stop worrying so much.” Bucky turned off the TV and patted Steve on the shoulder as he walked into the kitchen. “The Avengers will do what they need to do, then life will go on like normal.”
“I suppose,” he mumbled.
“See, better! Now, I need to get some groceries because there’s nothing in the fridge.” He came back and propped his elbows on the back of the sofa Steve was still sitting on. “What are you making for dinner, pal?”
“Whatever you want.”
Bucky grinned and took off, leaving Steve and all of his anxieties alone in their apartment. One of his biggest regrets from that night was that he didn’t go with Bucky. He couldn’t have changed anything in the end, but he just wanted some more time.
***
The door shut behind Bucky when he got back, startling Steve who was cleaning up his room.
“You will never believe what I saw coming home.”
Steve laughed and started folding his last bit of laundry, happy to listen to today’s story of the strangeness of New York. “Give me a second,” he called.
“Steve?” Bucky sounded panicked. There was definitely something wrong.
He dropped the towel in his hands and ran into the kitchen as the bags Bucky was carrying fell to the floor.
“Bucky? Bucky!” But no one was there. Just the bags that had plums rolling out of the tops and a pile of- what is that?
Steve kneeled down and touched the dirt? Ash? Dust? “Bucky.” It was just a whisper, but it was all Steve could manage. He didn’t know how he was so sure it was Bucky. He was there one second, a funny story ready for Steve to hear, then he was gone and this was left. That awful feeling welled up inside him, only manifesting in the truth that Bucky- somehow- was gone. His best friend was gone.
He didn’t understand what happened. He didn’t even care. Bucky was gone, and that was all that mattered. Whatever happened, the Avengers would fix it. Because this was their fault, right? And they might not always come back and clean up, but they do fix what they can. So Bucky would be fine. He would be back, and he could tell him all about what he saw on his way home. He would get to go to work and help on the big energy project he was so excited about. He would get a promotion and fall in love and get married and live. Bucky was going to come back and live. He had to.
Steve didn’t know what he would do if he didn’t.
His fist closed around the ashes, the tears finally falling. Bucky was all he had left. He couldn’t just be- He couldn’t be gone. Not like this.
It took a long time for Steve to pull himself off the ground, but finally, he decided he couldn’t just leave Bucky on the floor. He would kill Steve if he saw the kitchen dirty for longer than it took to make dinner. And he deserved more than that. He found the dustpan and a vase and gathered all of Bucky that he could. He would get an urn sometime or take the ashes to the lake up north that Bucky loved so much. He always talked about taking Steve there sometime in the summer, but they just hadn’t made it there yet. That would be the perfect place. Bucky would like that.
Maybe he wouldn’t do that. That would be saying goodbye, and Bucky wasn’t gone. Tony Stark would fix this. Somehow, things would be back to normal. Just like Bucky said.
***
Three Years After The Snap
“Hi Steve,” the group said.
Steve took a long, shaky breath. He looked across the circle, and Natasha nodded her head. But Steve wasn’t seeing her; he was looking behind her. It’s okay, Bucky told him, and he knew it was all in his head but it was so nice to hear him, see him, and he didn’t care. You just have to talk about me. And you love doing that.
“I lost my best friend in the snap, or whatever it is that we’re calling it now. He came home from shopping for groceries, and then he was gone. He- Bucky- The last thing he said was my name. He was scared and there was nothing I could do about it, because by the time I got to him, he was gone. He sounded so scared. So, so scared.”
Natasha’s eyes softened. She’d taken over for Sam when he disappeared in the snap, trying to hold onto his legacy. An Avenger doing what they could to help. “Steve, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. The people we lost- it was all randomly chosen by a being too complex to understand. It could have easily been any of us.”
“I wish it was me. I wish Bucky was still living instead of me. He was so much better than I ever was.”
“Then try to live a life he would be proud of. And don’t live one that is consumed by guilt for actions you couldn’t have prevented. That will tear you apart until you don’t recognize yourself. Until Bucky wouldn’t be able to recognize you.”
Behind her, Bucky just smiled, tears welling in his eyes.
***
“Bucky, I can’t go back. It’s too hard to talk about you like you’re gone.”
He knelt in front of Steve, not touching his knee like he would have before. Steve learned long ago that the conflict of his imaginary Bucky touching him and not feeling anything would just leave him in more need of comfort. It just hurt too much. It’s helping you. And I am gone, Stevie, he said softly. You need to remember that.
“It just feels like you’re really dead when I go there. People grieving and mourning and moving on. It doesn’t- I don’t want to think of you like they think about the people they lost.”
Then maybe that’s why you should be going. It’s time to move on.
***
Natasha came up to Steve one night after a meeting, a determined glint in her eye. “You’ve been coming here for a while, haven’t you?”
“Two or three months, yeah.”
“You’ve started talking about him more. That’s good. I can see that you’re opening up and growing.”
Steve didn’t quite know how to respond. He was never too great with feelings. “Um, thanks. It’s been hard.”
“Of course. Losing someone you love is always difficult, especially in a tragedy like this.” She tilted her head. “How long were you two together?”
“Bucky and I were friends since grade school. He’s my best friend.” Steve frowned, a little confused. “We weren’t- Not like that.” He didn’t understand what would make her think otherwise.
Like she knew what he was thinking, she said, “No one talks about their friend the way you talk about him.” And she patted him on the shoulder and walked away, leaving Steve with that sentence to repeat in his mind until he sat on his sofa in the quiet apartment.
Sure, he loved Bucky, but they were just friends. That’s all they ever were.
You wanted more from me, though.
He sighed, almost not expecting him to be standing in front of him. “No, Buck, I just wanted to be friends. That’s what you wanted.”
Just because I wanted to be friends doesn’t mean you felt the same. Besides, you don’t know that’s all I wanted.
Steve glared at him. “We were just friends.”
Bucky rolled his eyes. You talk about me differently, Natasha’s right. You always have. And you think about me differently.
“It’s completely normal to think about your friends like that at some point. You get really close, and you wonder for a bit if things could go further. It’s normal, Bucky.”
You never thought about Nicholas like that. Or Sharon. Or any of our friends in high school or college. Bucky stood in front of him, looking just the way he did the day he disappeared. And Steve had to admit that he looked beautiful. How did he not notice before? Why didn’t he notice before he left? Just Peggy when we were younger. And me. And you kept thinking about me like that. You hoped things could be different once we lived together. Maybe one of us would slip one night, and something would have to change.
“But I-”
Stevie, you know I’m right.
And he was. Bucky was always right.
“Oh God,” he choked out, “I loved you.” He looked into Bucky’s eyes, his own so full of pain and distress. “I love you, Bucky. I still love you. Of course, I do. If I would’ve told you before- Did- Did you love me?”
I’m only in your mind, pal. How am I supposed to know?
***
“Bucky lost his arm when he enlisted in the army straight out of high school. We both planned to enlist, to serve, but I was always too sick to ever follow through. So he was all alone when it happened. There was some kind of accident; that’s all he would tell me when he got back. Honorably discharged. He came home early, then went straight to college. Always wanted to work in a STEM field, but now he had a passion for biotech. A very personal one. Stark Industries hired him right away, and he has- had the first functioning prototype of their new prosthesis tech. I’m sure that thing could’ve been sold to pay our rent for the foreseeable future, but Bucky was so proud of what he helped create. So proud that he got to keep his creation and show it off. I always told him that he was the brightest mind in Stark Industries, but he wouldn’t hear it. Stark was his hero. As a creator and an Avenger. But…”
“Do you think he would feel differently about him if he was here?”
Steve laughed. “No, he would probably respect him even more. I’m the one who was disappointed that Tony Stark had given up and retired. It just felt like if he’d given up on changing things, I’d have to give up hope too. But now that I think about it, if the person I loved made it, I probably would run off to live in peace just like Stark did.”
***
“How have you been managing these past few years without Bucky?”
“I still talk to him.” Steve smiled up past Nat, where Bucky was already smiling at him. “It’s not the same, and I know it’s not really him, but having someone to talk to is nice.”
“Do you talk to any of your other friends? From college or when Bucky was enlisted?”
Steve shook his head. “We lost contact a while ago, even before… everything. I feel like it would be too much to try again now. Besides, I don’t even know if they’re still here.”
“Maybe you should try. They might need you just as much as you need them.”
***
Tap tap. Tap tap. Tap.
Steve.
Tap tap. Tap tap. Tap.
Steve, stop it! You’re just calling her. You two used to talk all the time when we were in college.
“That was years ago. I don’t know if I-”
“Hello?”
Steve sucked in a breath of air, not sure what to say to her. “Hi, Sharon. It’s been a while.”
She paused, then laughed. “Uh, yeah. We haven’t talked since… I honestly don’t remember when we last spoke. Is everything okay? Why are you calling so randomly?”
“Well, I’ve been going to therapy, and they suggested I try to reconnect with my old friends. Or the ones I could. Turns out, we’re the only ones still around from our group of friends.”
“Then- I’m sorry about James. How are you doing?”
He looked over to the table, where Bucky was watching him closely. It was like he was waiting for his answer too. “I’m… better. Yeah, I think I’m doing better.” When he looked back at the table, Bucky wasn’t there. “How have you been with all of this?”
“I was lucky. Both of my parents are still around, and I didn’t lose as much as others did. I did lose my boyfriend, though. We were going on a year and a half.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Well, he wasn’t my James. Not yet.” When Steve didn’t respond, she stammered, “Oh, I just assumed you two were together after college. Sorry, I-”
“No, it’s fine. I never told him how I felt, so we weren’t… Why did you think we were?”
She laughed. “I think everyone thought you two ran off together. Especially when you moved out of the dorms when he came home. Everyone kinda assumed you two were already a couple.”
“No, no.” He looked around for Bucky. Why wasn’t he here making comments and rolling his eyes? “Hey, are you still in New York? We should get lunch sometime.”
“Yeah, that sounds great.”
***
Four Years After The Snap
“Are you sure it’s okay that I move in with you?”
Steve looked down at the boxes in his arms. “Sharon, you’re moving in right now. Of course, it’s okay. Now open the door before I drop all your stuff.”
She did, but she hovered at the entrance. “It feels wrong. Like I’m intruding.”
He started into her bedroom, the one that used to be Bucky’s. And, yeah, that was weird. But Steve needed a roommate to keep paying rent. His landlord had docked prices for a while after the snap, but things were going back to normal. Or they were trying to. “You live here now.” He set the boxes on the floor. “It’ll be an adjustment for both of us, but we’ll manage.” He looked at the room stripped from all traces of Bucky. The space posters and wall of sticky notes reminding him of dozens of things he couldn’t forget were in a box in the hallway closet. All his sweaters and blankets and hundreds of socks. His books and his laptop and his diary that Steve felt horrible for even touching. Everything that was Bucky’s was put away in that little closet. Bucky lived such a large life, so full of excitement and emotion; it was so hard to believe it could all be contained in such a small space.
Steve shook himself out of his daze and went back downstairs to get the rest of Sharon’s things.
***
His hands were shaking. It was the middle of summer, Bucky’s favorite time of the year, and Steve was almost shivering.
“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, Steve.”
He gave Sharon a weak smile, but it faded quickly when he looked back to his shaking hands. “No, I want to. Nat says it’ll be good for me if I say goodbye.” He looked out across Bucky’s lake. “I need to do this.”
“Do you want me to give you a minute?”
He shook his head, unable to ask her to stay. Unable to say anything at all. After a silent moment, he slowly poured Bucky’s ashes into the lake, watching as they drifted out and down into the water. Once the last bit was gone, he fell to his knees like his legs just couldn’t take standing a second longer. He wanted to say something to him, to tell him goodbye, but the tears were just pouring down his face and there was no use in trying to speak.
Sharon saw this and crouched beside Steve, a hand on his shoulder. “James- Bucky- I didn’t know you long, but from the moment I met you, I knew you were a great man. You went to war, you helped change the world, you were the best friend to Steve from the day you two met. It was terrible that you had to go this way, this soon, but I’ve seen all the good you did while you were here. You lived a good life. You helped everyone you could.” She looked over at Steve. “And you were loved.” She whispered to him, “I’ll leave you to say goodbye. Take as much time as you need.”
Steve didn’t know how long he sat there, his face wet from tears and his knees wet from the muddy grass. Eventually, though, he found his voice beneath the layers of pain and loss. “I don’t want to be here right now, Buck. I want to be home with you. I want to watch a movie and make us dinner and talk with you until we’re both drunk off each other’s company. I want you to be alive. But you’re not coming back, are you? The you I imagined won’t even come back to me. And I’m sure people would think that’s healthy, but I don’t care about that. I care about you. I just want to see you again.” He closed his eyes. “I keep drawing you so I don’t forget any part of you. Your eyes and your hands and your grin that meant you were up to no good. Turns out, I don’t even need a reference. All that closeted longing was good for something,” he laughed, watching the lake ripple in front of him. “I know I always said I’d never draw you when you asked, but I don’t think I can stop now. I have an entire collection now. You were so beautiful; I don’t know how I ever resisted having you model for me.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “You knew I loved you, right? I think you always knew. You just were waiting for me to catch on. Well, I’m on the same page now, Buck. I love you so much. I love you so much it hurts. And that I can’t-” His voice caught, and he shook his head. “Waking up every day is the hardest thing I do because I know you aren’t there. I won’t hear you humming while you cook breakfast or watch you type away on your laptop for hours. I won’t see your messy bedhead pulled into a bun on Sunday mornings. I won’t get listen to what you did at work or the latest story about how weird New York is. My life is not the same without you, and it’s so hard to accept that. It’s so hard to accept that you’re gone because of the Avengers, but they’re doing nothing to bring you back. But what could they do? It’s not like they can go back in time and fix this. I just have to live with the fact that you’re gone. I have to live for you, for both of us, even when I want to do anything to be with you again.” He let that hang in the air before he stood and tried to wipe away the tears and mud. “I hope you like it here. I figured they wouldn’t let me release your ashes off the Coney Island Cyclone, so this was the next best thing. You always talked about how beautiful it was in the summer and that you wanted to bring me here. I hate that this was our first time coming together. But don’t worry, I’ll visit you when I can. It’s a long drive so you might have to be patient with me. But you always were, so who am I kidding?” He smiled, eyes welling up once again. “Bye Bucky.”
Sharon was waiting for him far enough that she didn’t hear anything he said. “How are you feeling?”
“I feel like I just lost my best friend all over again.”
She took his hand gently. “Let’s go home, and we’ll make his favorite ravioli for dinner.”
“Thank you, Sharon. For everything.” He looked back at the lake. “I wish I could’ve told him I love him before it was too late.”
“He knew.”
***
Five Years After The Snap
“I saw whales in the Hudson this morning, Sharon,” Steve said, unmistakable happiness in his voice as he sat down with his Chinese takeout. “Fewer people, fewer boats, less pollution. And there are freaking whales in the Hudson.”
She looked over her lo mein. “Are you trying to sell me the ecological upsides to half the planet dying?”
“Of course not. I’m just saying that things are turning around, I think. Nature is adapting like we are. Maybe there’s hope for our environment after all.”
“Ever the optimist, Steven Rogers.” She leaned in, kissing him softly.
“What the fuck?”
Steve jerked away, practically throwing his food onto the coffee table as he stood. “Bucky?” he breathed.
“Oh my God.” Sharon couldn’t look away from him, but because of a completely different reason than Steve. While there was love in his eyes, there was only panic in hers. “James? You’re- you’re alive.” She pressed her knuckles into her lips to keep herself from saying anything else or screaming.
Steve didn’t take his eyes off Bucky, but he didn’t move either. “You can see him too?” He was afraid this was all in his head. He couldn’t handle it if his mind was just playing tricks on him.
“Mhm.”
Then Steve’s body caught up with his racing mind, and he was across the room with Bucky in his arms. His cheeks were wet and soon Bucky’s shoulder was too, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care because his Bucky was back. Somehow. He started sending silent thanks to Tony Stark, wherever he was, for whatever he’d done to fix all this. He was thanking every last Avenger for bringing his Bucky back to him. “You’re back. I- You- Oh my God.”
“Alex,” Sharon mumbled. “Steve, I need to-”
“Go,” he said, not moving from Bucky’s embrace until the door shut behind her.
“You want to tell me what’s going on?”
Steve touched his face, his hair, his arms. He was really here. He could see him and feel him and smell his shampoo and hear the rhythmic pattern of his breathing. “I don’t know. Oh, but I missed you so much. I was sure I lost you for good. I was so sure, but you’re here. You’re alive.”
Bucky stepped away from him, letting his eyes drift over their apartment that he barely recognized anymore. There wasn’t any of him, too little Steve, and way too much Sharon. “That’s not what I meant. What is going on with her?”
“Sharon? She lives here now.”
“Since when?”
Steve just wanted to touch his face again. He wanted to run his hands through his hair. And he wanted to kiss him until they both forgot about everything else. Steve had never wanted anything so badly. “About a year. Little more.”
“A year?”
“Yeah, Buck,” he said, his voice quiet and full of sadness. “You’ve been gone five years.” There was a real terror on his face, so Steve sat him down and told him everything. How he mourned him and started therapy. How he said goodbye to him last year, finally giving up hope things would return to normal. How he called Sharon when he had no one left and things just happened. How she moved in with him a year ago and how they started dating a few months back. He told him everything except his realization that he loved him. The set of his eyebrows wouldn’t let him admit that truth just yet. He looked angry like he blamed Steve for something.
“I’m sorry.”
Now he just looked confused. “What are you apologizing for?”
“I don’t know. I know this all wasn’t my fault. I know I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. But I just wish when you died or disappeared or whatever happened to you, you weren’t alone.”
Bucky’s face softened. “I wasn’t alone. You were there like you always are. Maybe just a little farther than I would’ve liked.”
Steve felt his heart hammering in his chest, and he wanted to tell him the rest of the story. He wanted to tell him that he loved him. He always had; it just took him a while to realize.
“What about Sharon? What about us?”
“What?” he breathed. What was he asking? Steve knew what he wanted him to be asking, but it definitely wasn’t where Bucky’s mind was.
“She lives here now, I guess. Does that mean I don’t?”
“No,” Steve said, a little too quickly probably. He instinctively reached to cover Bucky’s hand with his own, not letting his overthinking stop him this time. He just got Bucky back, and he wouldn’t be losing him this soon. “No, we’ll figure things out. But you’re not going anywhere.” Steve heard how that sounded and pulled his hand away, looking to the floor. “Not if you don’t want to.” He shrugged. “Sharon might move back with her boyfriend anyways.”
Bucky leaned into his sight, hair falling over his forehead in a way that made Steve want to run his hands through it again. “Would you be okay with that?”
“Oh, yeah. Sharon and I weren’t together long. And besides, I think deep down, we were just together because we couldn’t be with the people we wanted to be with.”
Bucky grinned and leaned back into the sofa. “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend before, Stevie. Why didn’t you tell me about her?”
“I didn’t have a girlfriend.”
“Okay, a crush or whatever. You still could’ve told me about her. Did you think I’d-”
Just barely above a whisper, “She wasn’t a she, Buck.”
“Oh.”
That’s it, Steve thought, he hates me. I can’t even tell him I love him now because he hates me. He-
“You could’ve told me that too.” Steve met his eyes, those grey eyes that had haunted him for the past five years. They were so much brighter than he remembered. And so, so beautiful. “So, who’s the lucky guy? Do I know him?”
“Bucky, I don’t…” He stood up, suddenly feeling like he would combust if he sat for a second longer. He ran his hands through his hair. “I…”
When he turned, Bucky was right in front of him, looking worried and confused and not dead at all. He was right here in front of him. Bucky was so close he could smell his shampoo again, could feel the heat radiating off his body. He was so close, so alive. Steve knew that if he didn’t tell him how he felt right now, he’d regret it for the rest of his life. And then he was pulling him closer, all plans of a speech or confession gone. He was kissing him like it was all he ever wanted. Every day since he met James Buchannan Barnes had been leading up to this. To Steve finally, finally catching up with his feelings and showing Bucky how he felt. Because Steve wasn’t always good with words, but by God, he could paint a pretty picture. And that kiss painted all of his feelings for Bucky. It was only when he wound up with Bucky’s hair between his fingers did he realize what he was doing. He just kissed him with no warning. It was just a few moments, but Bucky was frozen in place. Steve quickly pulled away, his face heating up as he avoided looking at Bucky. All the while, he was still standing, shell-shocked, in the same spot.
“I’m really sorry, Bucky,” he stammered out. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I-”
“Oh,” Bucky said quietly. So quietly Steve almost didn’t hear him. “Oh.”
Steve didn’t have time to start wondering what that meant, but he really didn’t need to wonder. Bucky was crashing into him, all trepidation gone. It had taken him a minute or two, but his mind had caught up to what just happened and decided it was good. Great. And he wanted more. God, he wanted so much more. Steve’s arms wrapped around his waist to steady them both, not expecting Bucky to quite literally throw himself at him. Bucky was acting like he was the one who had waited five years, who mourned over the man he loved, who thought there was no hope of them ever being together. He had all the hurried movements of someone who had dreamed of a moment like this and was afraid they would wake up any second. Oh, Steve thought. But that thought didn’t go beyond that because Bucky was kissing him. Bucky was in his arms, his chest pressed against his own, his heart beating just as fast and just as hard as his. Bucky was kissing him. He reached up to cradle Steve’s face with his hand, fingertips trailing the edge of his hairline. Steve let out a little gasp at the cold that was suddenly against his flushed face. Bucky backed away, slowly dropping his hand. He misunderstood that gasp, and Steve could imagine where his mind was going.
He guided Bucky’s prosthetic hand back to where it was a second ago. He smiled, his eyes saying everything for him. I love you. All of you. When Bucky’s fingers trailed into his hair, he kissed him again, this time softly. There was no hurry anymore. They weren’t going anywhere, and they had plenty of time. So they savored each moment, memorizing the shape of the other’s face, the way their lips moved together, how their bodies felt pressed against each other.
“Why are you crying, Stevie?” Bucky asked gently. He wiped away the tears that were falling onto Steve’s cheeks, ignoring the ones that found their way on his own.
“I just really missed you. And- and I’m so happy you’re back. I’m so, so happy.” He buried his face in Bucky’s shoulder, so similar to what he did when Bucky first came back but now there was a completely different feel to it. “You were just gone, and I didn’t know what to do. The last thing you said was my name; that was killing me. Knowing you called for me, wanted me there when you knew you were dying, and I had been folding my fucking laundry. I didn’t know how to go back to my life because it was always our life. It didn’t even seem worth going back to without you. And the longer you were gone, the more I wanted- wanted to- Bucky, I didn’t want to live in a world without you in it.”
Bucky tightened his arms around him as those words sunk in and his own tears began to fall.
“But knowing you would want me living kept me going. It was the only thing keeping me going. So, I started therapy, hoping to be the person you knew again. Because what I was doing wasn’t working. I saw all these people who had lost their friends, and they were grieving. Even the ones who lost their very best friend. They were grieving and moving on with their lives after a point, but I was still in the same place. And I didn’t understand why I couldn’t even accept you were dead. Finally, I was let in on the big secret. Turns out, you don’t mourn your friend the way you mourn the man you love.” He let Bucky process what he just said, not speaking in what felt like the eternity after.
Bucky pulled away, soaking in every inch of Steve’s face before he said a word. “I love you too, Steve. You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear that.”
“How long?” He touched his forehead to Bucky’s, not wanting to be away from him again for even a second.
Bucky smiled. “What?”
“How long? How long have you been waiting for me?”
“Since I was deployed.”
Since he was deployed. Bucky had been waiting for him for over a decade. Steve was so overwhelmed with emotion he could barely stand anymore. He took the momentary pause in their conversation to lead Bucky onto the sofa again. He pulled him onto his lap and kissed the corner of his tear-stained eyes. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck. “When did you know? What made you realize you love me?”
He tilted his head when Steve trailed down his jaw, almost without realizing he was moving. “Every other guy was writing letters back home to his girlfriend or wife. A few would write to other family, but everyone had a girl back home, it seemed. And I had you. I was writing to you every time I had a chance.” Steve smiled against Bucky’s skin when he gasped; that particular spot above his collarbone was especially sensitive. Bucky bit his lip as Steve continued. “Uh, it didn’t take long for me to put the pieces together. I mean, you don’t think about your, mm, best friend the way I thought about you.”
Steve brought his lips back to Bucky’s, just brushing against his when he spoke. His grin was so proud of the mark he obviously just left on his neck, and it was absolutely filthy. “How were you thinking about me, Buck?”
“Not like that.” Steve’s face was flushed, his hair a mess. His lips were swollen from kissing, and Bucky couldn’t look away. “But with you like this, it’s hard to think of anything else.”
Steve kissed him again. He wanted to keep going, but there was one insecurity he hadn’t gotten rid of yet. One he needed to have denied by Bucky himself. “Promise me you’re real.” He knew the one in his head wouldn’t lie to him. And the real one wouldn’t either. “Promise me that this isn’t some elaborate thing I imagined. Promise me that you’ll still be here when I wake up.”
“Stevie, I’m real. I’m really here, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours as long as you want me.”
“Forever.” It was almost a plea. Almost a promise. Almost a question or even a proposal.
Bucky kissed his forehead, taking his face in his hands. “That sounds like a good start.”