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Ricky regretted not telling Nini that he loved her. It felt impossible then, and even now, weeks later, it still did. What was love, really? He didn’t even know if his parents loved each other anymore, if they ever did. How was he supposed to know what love looked like?
But they were in a weird place, with Nini off at theater camp and Ricky not sure if they were together. He asked for a break, but what did that mean? He didn’t know. Summers were a no man’s land.
Ricky stared at his phone. He had had no contact with Nini since he had made that mistake, but he desperately needed to talk to her, though it kind of looked like that wasn’t happening anytime soon.
His mom didn’t seem inclined to come back to Salt Lake City anymore. He missed her, and how their family used to be. Heck, even though his dad asked him to call his mom a few times, she never seemed to care about him. It was weird, that she was still in Chicago, but she didn’t even text him or call him. Ricky was the one who had to initiate any contact.
He wasn’t dumb. Ricky knew that his parents were having relationship issues, but how were these things supposed to get better with his mom out of state? Shouldn’t they be together, to figure out how to work this out? His dad said they were in counseling, but they were in different states. How was that supposed to work?
The house was just so empty now, what with only the two of them living there. His dad had thrown himself into his work since his mom had left, leaving Ricky alone at the house, unless he went over to Big Red’s, who had his own commitments. Ricky still went to the skate park, but every day felt like a repeat of the last- boring and monotonous. Video games, skateboard, rinse and repeat. Until school started back up, things were just going to continue like this.
He would have given anything to talk to Nini, but he couldn’t. Ricky didn’t know where the two of them were at, but he wanted to stay dating her and he wasn’t about to do anything to upset the balance. She had spilled her heart out to Ricky, and what had he done in return? Absolutely nothing besides freak out.
Ricky was freaking out now, as he pulled his knees up to his chest from where he was sitting on the couch. Deep breaths. He could do that.
Before he had screwed up the best thing in his life, he’d call Nini when he was having a panic attack. She’d talk him down from it, getting him to focus on something else. If she could, she’d come over.
He opened his phone, typing in his passcode. 6464. Nini. Before he really knew what he was doing, he opened up his texts to Nini, starting to type a message. Hey Nini I’m sorry for texting you I just- before deleting it. He couldn’t do this to her. She was probably off having a great time at theater camp, and who was he to stop that? Ricky was the one who had screwed everything else up, not her. She deserved so much better than all of this.
Ricky’s breathing got more and more ragged. He wanted to call her, get her to calm him down, but that would just be selfish, and he couldn’t do this to her, not now. She was probably off having a great time, and she didn’t need her boyfriend who couldn’t even say “I love you” to get in the way of that. It just wouldn’t be fair to her.
He buried his head in his hands, hearing his breathing get harsher but feeling oddly separate from it, like this panic attack was happening to someone else not to him. It felt like his world was falling apart, and Ricky had no idea how he could ever piece it all back together again.
Ricky had dropped his phone at some point, but it wasn’t like he had anyone to call, anyway. His mom didn’t even want to talk to her son. Sure, he wanted to stay here in Salt Lake, but at least acting like she liked her son enough to want to take him with her would have been nice. It was like she didn’t care about him at all. He knew that his dad was hurting, which was why he was throwing himself into work, but that didn’t make things any easier.
When Ricky could finally get his breathing under control, he was still all alone in his living room on a Friday night. His mom may have left and his dad might have dedicated himself solely to work, but Ricky would just have to take care of himself on his own. He couldn’t call Big Red about something like this, and he couldn’t burden Nini with his freak outs, especially after what he did to her.
Nini might deserve the world and a heck of a lot better than Ricky, but once she got back from camp, he would make up for all of this, somehow. He loved her, even though those words felt impossible to say.
He needed a plan for junior year, starting with Nini. She was amazing, and their relationship was definitely worth saving. He just had to figure out a way to prove it to her.