Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lara Jean Song Covey has decided that spring is her favorite season. At least, it is when she’s here. Here as in The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. The campus is abloom with cherry blossoms and flowering dogwoods, the state flower. Lara Jean can break out her vintage tea dresses laden with pastel prints and ditsy patterns, and pretend she’s in a movie. Maybe Love in the Afternoon… If she had to be specific.

Although her love life has been less than active she doesn’t really mind. For, she hasn’t been able to bring herself to fill the Peter-sized hole in her heart. Not since their two-and-a-half-year relationship had fizzled out- an overdue byproduct from the long distance. Lara Jean thought they would be the exception. They would be the ones to prove that long-distance could work.

And long-distance did work… Until it didn’t.

It was a gradual sort of chasm that opened up between them. They hadn’t even noticed for a while. Not until the summer- a season that they had eagerly anticipated, when they finally saw it. Peter had four weeks off from lacrosse- mostly a break save for the strict instructions to keep up with twice-daily runs and weight-lifting sessions, and they had planned to spend every waking minute of that July in each other’s company. Lara Jean was going to bake fruitcake cookies, even if they were out of season, and they would go on antique errands for old time’s sake.

Mid-way through the drive up to Richmond where they were to pick up an armoire for Peter’s mom’s shop when Lara Jean realized that they hadn’t even spoken for the past half hour. Fretting over the growing silence, Lara Jean mentally ran through topics. She prickled, trying to think of all the many moments that had occurred Freshman year she wanted to tell him about.

Why couldn’t she think of them when she finally had the chance to tell him about them?

That was how the rest of the month went. Lara Jean silently noting every minuscule difference in their relationship and Peter blissfully unaware of the seeming unraveling of their relationship.

No matter his blissful ignorance, she did find that he was treating her differently, too. He was still sweet Peter who did romantic gestures and brought her sugar-coated mocha donuts but sometimes, it felt like he was still far away from her. Like when they sat in his black, sleek Audi, there was no longer the urge to pull over for frantic makeout sessions. No stolen glances at red lights. His eyes were fixed on the road and hers were gazing out the window remembering what used to be.

One day, she broke and she let it all out. All of the shifts she had noticed, the ways in which they didn’t seem devoted to each other anymore. The way their futures had paved paths apart from one another. Peter had just sat there, looking awestruck. She remembers the way his eyes had stared out blankly ahead while his mouth opened and closed again. A million responses seemingly slipping by.

Silently she willed him to say she was wrong, to prove to her they could still have it all.

But he didn’t.

A day later, they were over.

It broke her heart, the way, at last, he had admitted that everything she was saying rang true. Even more so when he confessed that all he could focus on lately was going pro with lacrosse and how if he accomplished that dream, traveling from state to state was likely in his future. Not settling down with her back in the same city as she had been fantasizing about.

That night, after his shiny black car had driven away, her heart still in its passenger seat, she called the one person that she knew would understand.

Margot’s sympathetic eyes through the screen of her phone prompted her to burst into tears. She cried harder when she realized just how much Margot was probably going to pay in charges from the across-the-world FaceTime call. Lara Jean remembered then that Skype was how she was supposed to reach her sister. And yet, Margot had picked up.

The main reason why she hadn’t driven over to Peter’s mom’s house that night to tell him it was a mistake and that they could fix it was because of Margot’s advice. Gently, Margot had suggested that Lara Jean could go one semester with no Peter. And he, her. And if after the term had ended, she still missed him terribly, she could devise a way to fix their problems from before.

Summer had blurred into fall which then brought a chilly winter, Lara Jean’s first boyfriendless holiday since high school and somehow, it had been alright.

Seven months now, since that teary call with Margot, Lara Jean found school had proved to be the perfect distraction from the pain of the breakup. November had breezed by in a whirl of exams, club meetings (she was president of the newly founded Bakeology Club), Korean-American Student Association minglings, and new friendships. After her first week, she had texted Hollis, the girl she had met on her first visit to UNC and was promptly invited to a party at their off-campus apartment.

The girls were all in their second year but didn’t seem to mind one bit that Lara Jean was a year behind them. The best part of being friends with Hollis was how much she reminded Lara Jean of a matured-Kitty. The way she could always spin together a milkmaid braid in less than ten minutes, flat, and the way she brazenly spoke out on her views. Lara Jean could just imagine Kitty growing up to be just like Hollis. That idea didn’t scare her one bit.

Treading lightly over the vibrant green grass, Lara Jean makes her way to her favorite tree in the quad. It’s perfectly shaded with just enough sunlight streaming through to keep her warm in the still-somewhat chilly March air. She pulls her yellow oversized cardigan tighter around her, feeling a chill break over her exposed collarbone, as she breaks out her copy of Persuasion.

She spreads a blanket of the grass and then sits with her back against the tree and her tights-clad legs crossed in front of her. Her favorite class this semester was English 340 which concentrated on the literary works of Jane Austen. Her professor had even convinced her to sign up for the Jane Austen Summer Program which was four days of lectures and presentations highlighting the works of the famed author.

Initially, she had been dreading going home for summer. She would probably run into Peter and feel that familiar pang of guilt that struck her every time they interacted. The feeling of what they lost was what bound them together now and even though she had moved on, it was still too tough to bear.

Plus, Margot wasn’t coming home this summer. Instead, she and Ravi were going to tour Europe, traipsing through Spain, France, and all over the continent. Seeing Kitty would be fun except for the fact that at the age of thirteen, Kitty was angstier than ever and seemed to be mostly irritated by Lara Jean these days. She had her moments of sweetness, but they were rare and always tinged with a feistiness that had Lara Jean didn’t have the backbone for these days.

So the idea of spending June in North Carolina was perfect.

Lara Jean is halfway through her chapter when a rustling beside her forces her to look up. There’s no one or nothing there but a collection of leaves kicked up by the breeze.

“Lara Jean?” A voice comes from behind her, causing her to jump slightly, nearly bumping her head on the tree. She knows that voice. Except, she can’t attach it to a name or even a face.

Clamping the book shut, she whirls around. Her braid swings from shoulder to shoulder as she does so and once she’s rotated fully, she meets the eyes of John Ambrose McClaren. Wait, what?

“I thought I recognized that braid,” John laughs. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“John Ambrose McClaren,” An astonished smile crosses Lara Jean’s face as she drops her book in surprise. She lets it rest on the blanket and then stands, stepping closer to him. “What are you doing here?”

“I go here now.” He says simply. “I transferred from William & Mary in the fall.”

“In the fall?” Lara Jean echoes, dumbstruck. How had John Ambrose McClaren been on her campus almost all year unbeknownst to her?

“Yeah,” John looks a little sheepish and puts his hands in his pockets. “I thought of texting you but I sort of figured, I’d just run into you eventually.”

“And you did,” Lara Jean smiles at him and throws her arms around him, on a whim.

John Ambrose reels back a little for a second, seemingly stupefied until he hugs her back tightly. Their bodies lightly pressing together brings a rush of memories and she feels a swell of relief of this happenstance way he’s come back into her life.

On impulse, Lara Jean asks, “Are you busy right now?”

He smiles at her. “I just finished my last class of the day. You?”

“I’m done too,” Lara Jean gestures to the blanket spread across a perfect patch of grass adjacent to them. “Want to sit and catch up? Or we can go to the cafe?”

“I like this spot,” John surveys her tree. “You picked a good tree. It sort of reminds me of the one back in Meadow Ridge that our old treehouse was in.”

“That’s why I picked it.” Lara Jean feels a flicker of pleasure that he sees what she saw in it. She sits and John sits beside her on the blanket she had laid out. “So, tell me how you got here and how William and Mary was. Oh and tell me how school is going for Dipti. And debate? Do you still do debate?”

Lara Jean’s questions come out in a rush and John laughs, tackling them one by one. “William and Mary was nice but it just wasn’t for me. The classes, the people, the extracurriculars... None of them ever clicked for me. I feel much more suited to this campus. I’m a part of the Dialectic and Philanthropic Societies so yes, I still partake in debates. I actually have a scrimmage coming up in a few weeks.”

She feels oddly relieved he still is a part of debate, just like she was so pleased to see the collared shirt poking out from underneath his moss-green sweater. Even if it’s been two years since they last saw each other, she needed to know that somewhere still was the John Ambrose McClaren that she knew.

Lara Jean waits, to see if he will finish answering her questions. With a quick clearing of his throat, he gets to the next one.“Dipti is well, from what I hear at least. We broke up a while ago. It was amicable enough, the distance just got to us quicker than expected. How about you and Kavinsky? How’s that going?”

As he asks it, there’s no trace of tension or disdain for Peter. In fact, he looks like he’s genuinely invested in their happiness. So Lara Jean feels a little shy as she answers. “We broke up too. Same reason as you guys, I guess.”

“Ah,” John replies simply. They share a glance that makes her feel nervous and she quickly flicks her gaze away. She wishes she didn’t feel that bubble of hope that rose when he said he and Dipti had broken up. John looks at her curiously. “How has UNC been to you? What did you end up majoring in?”

“English and Comparative Literature. I love the program, the campus, and all the clubs.” Lara Jean feels herself beam. “It just feels like home, here. You know?”

John nods and she feels that same kindred spiritedness she’s always felt with him. “So do you live on-campus or off-campus?”

“On-campus, for now. In Morrison, I transferred there from Craige after Freshman year since it’s closer to my classes. But I’m moving in with my friend Hollis this summer in an apartment a few blocks from here.” Lara Jean turns the question on him. “You?”

“I live off-campus. I actually had a friend I knew from debate who already went here so it made it easier just moving in with him since I was new to the school. Quick friends and all that.” John shrugs. “We live in a duplex right off Franklin Street.”

“Are you going home for the summer?”

“Maybe for a weekend or two.” A slow smile spreads across his face. She notices his dark brown eyes still shimmer the way they used to when he grins. “But I actually got an internship at the Mayor’s office. So I’ll be here working 40 hours a week.”

This fact doesn’t surprise Lara Jean at all. She always knew John Ambrose would be influential somehow, someday. This is certainly only the beginning. “That’s amazing, John. I’m really happy for you.”

Her phone buzzes just as he’s thanking her and she glances down and sees it’s Carlisle from her baking club. She’s the appointed treasurer of the club and helps Lara Jean out in preparing for meetings. The next one is in two days and somehow, seeing John completely made Lara Jean forget about her scheduled run to Whole Foods run tonight.

Did you get the ingredients? I’m at Weaver Street rn. I can grab if not.

Lara Jean exhales a breath of relief for having a second-in-command as reliable as Carlisle. She’s not only reliable but also an eternal optimist. Anytime one of the club’s recipes doesn't turn out, she whips out a ballpoint pen from her pocket and jots down notes along with annotations as to how to improve it next time. Always with a smile plastered on her face.

“Is everything okay?” John is looking at Lara Jean in consternation. “You have that little brow crease.”

John is pointing and a finger comes to Lara Jean’s forehead to touch it, self-consciously. “No, I don’t.”

Even though Lara Jean tries to dispute his claim, she can feel the crease, proving otherwise. She acquiesces with a sigh, “It’s fine. I just totally forgot about some errands I was about to run.”

“Oh,” Something like disappointment crosses John’s face quickly but it’s gone so fast, maybe it was never there at all. “Do you need to go?”

Lara Jean wants to say no. Carlisle is at the store, after all, she can just buy the ingredients. But then she thinks of the 500 words she was hoping to write tonight for her Contemporary Literature essay. If she were to remain on track to have the assignment done by Sunday, she would need to write 500 words a day between now and then. Then, there was the party that she still had to get ready for at Hollis’s boyfriend’s place tonight.

An idea strikes her suddenly. “What are you doing tonight?”

“Um,” John pauses. “Not sure. Probably just prepping for Monday’s debate.”

“Well,” Lara Jean tries not to sound too hopeful. “My friend slash soon-to-be roommate Hollis and her boyfriend are throwing a party tonight at his place. I’ll warn you though, it’s a theme party. I know, so lame.” Lara Jean pulls a face even though she actually likes the theme of this particular soiree.

“What’s the theme?” John quirks a brow.

“Wonderland.” Lara Jean tries to sound bored. “So anything Alice in Wonderland-related will suit the attire. Like a crazy Mad Hatter hat, or face-paint whiskers like the Cheshire cat. It’s pretty easy to follow along with.”

“Even on short notice?” John sounds skeptical.

“To be honest, Hollis’ boyfriend is in a frat so most of the guys are going for the Through The Looking Glass interpretation and will just be on psychedelic drugs and stuff. The magic mushrooms in their pockets will be their ideas of a costume. But all my friends are dressing up.”

Lara Jean starts putting her book back into her bag, slightly jittery as she waits to see if he will accept her invitation.

“I’ll try to make it.” John’s smile does little to reassure Lara Jean but she nods anyway.

“I’ll text you the address, just in case.” She looks up from her book bag. “Same number?”

“Yeah.” John starts helping her fold up the blanket. “I’m really happy I ran into you, Lara Jean.”

“Me too,” Lara Jean takes the folded blanket he’s outstretching. “Thanks. I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Hopefully, tonight.” The way he looks at her makes her solar plexus dip, momentarily.

“Hopefully.” She tries to sound casual.

They part ways and as Lara Jean heads back to her dorm, she’s filled with an unfamiliar sensation. One she had forgotten.

Hope.

“I told you,” Lara Jean slurs just slightly. “He’s not coming.”

Hollis bumps Lara Jean playfully with her shoulder. “The night is young Lara Jean. Much could still happen.”

Lara Jean smoothes out the non-existent creases in her Alice-blue floral tea-length dress. “It doesn’t matter. I just thought it would be funny if you met him. I don’t care.”

“Is that why you’re refilling your drink?” Hollis mimes air quotes as Lara Jean finishes ladling in the spiked punch into her little ‘Drink Me’ tagged gimlet.

“No,” Lara Jean giggles. “I’m not even drunk. You know how I feel about underage drinking.”

“Sure, Lara Jean.” Hollis blows her bangs out of her face. “Well, I’m going to make sure Leon isn’t puking yet.”

“Okay,” Lara Jean just shrugs and lets herself lean against the non-descript beige wall.

“Hey, LJ.” A voice slurs into her ear. “What’s up?”

Lara Jean turns to frown at one of Leon’s frat brothers, James and is met with the stench of beer on his breath. “Hi, James.”

She’s not rude enough to be mean to him so instead, she points in a general direction. “I actually need to restock the cookie supply.”

“Your cookies are the best, LJ. Have I told you that?” His eyes spark with interest and Lara Jean briefly flashes back to a time when she probably would have been flattered by his advances. Back when she was a sheltered bookworm. She misses those days if she’s being honest.

She’s about to retreat into the kitchen when the front door opens, gingerly. A head peers in, one that doesn’t need a second glance to place.

“John Ambrose McClaren!” Lara Jean makes a beeline for him and throws her arms around him, elated. Maybe it’s the alcohol or the rescue he provides from the poor company but she’s pretty sure never been happier to see anyone in her whole life.

“Lara Jean,” John McClaren reaches back to close the door and steps away a little as though to survey her. “Are you drunk?”

A giggle escapes Lara Jean and she reaches to tuck a strand of stray hair behind her ear. “No, of course not.”

“You are. You really are.” John looks astonished. She notices with foggy vision that he’s no longer in his classic sweater-button down combo. “Lara Jean Song Covey, the girl I used to read books with in the Pearce’s treehouse is drunk. I never thought I’d see the day.”

“Like barely,” Lara Jean starts to protest but then gets distracted by his lack of a sweater. “You dressed up in theme!”

She reaches forward to touch the little ace of hearts stitched onto the pocket of his white Oxford shirt. John just chuckles. “I tried. It’s the best I could come up with on short notice. I like your dress. And your headband.”

Lara Jean touches the black velvet bow-trimmed headband to make sure it’s still straight. “Thanks.” Suddenly, her face lights up. “You need a drink!”

“I think I’ll pass.” John says quickly, as she drags him toward the living room. “I drove. And it looks like you’ll need someone to drive you home.”

“I can walk. So can you!” Lara Jean begins pouring a drink, ignoring John’s protestations.

“Lara Jean, it’s cold and you aren’t in a state to walk home, as much as I enjoy seeing this side of you.” John doesn’t sound too chiding, instead his tone sounding almost tender. “I would feel better if I drove you home.”

“Fine,” Lara Jean accedes. “But you owe you a drink.”

It sounds like a funny sentence but Lara Jean doesn’t know quite how to correct it. John laughs too, “Okay, I owe me a drink. Next time. By chance, is there any water around?”

“Yes, actually.” Lara Jean brightens. “I made elderflower infused water but no one’s tried it.”

“Probably because this crowd prefers hefeweizen to H2O. But I personally would love to try it.” John follows Lara Jean into the kitchen. The kitchen is empty save for a girl grabbing ice from the freezer but she exits a moment later. “I have an idea. Let’s see who can finish their drink the fastest.”

Lara Jean sees where he’s headed with this but she finds it hard to call him out on it. Not when he looks like he’s enjoying her homemade infused water so much. He gestures for her to start downing her Solo cup full of water.

He lets out a satisfied sounding breath as he empties the cup. “Best water I’ve ever had. So good, in fact, I think I need seconds.”

Without waiting for her reply, he refills both their cups and by the time they’ve finished her head feels a little bit clearer. “Leon has the best view of the city from the balcony. Want to see?”

“Sure,” John indulges her. “Lead the way.”

As they’re making their way toward the balcony, they’re intercepted by Hollis whose mouth is hanging open. “Oh my god, Lara Jean! You didn’t tell me the infamous John Ambrose McClaren finally showed up!” She turns her attention toward John. “You’re practically a celebrity.”

John looks taken aback momentarily but sticks his hand out, like the polite gentleman he is. “You can just call me John. Only Lara Jean insists on calling me by my full name.”

“Nice to meet you, John.” Hollis's eyes are lit with interest. “You’re just like Lara Jean described in the letter.”

“Hollis,” Lara Jean hisses, warningly.

“Hey,” John turns his attention back to Lara Jean. “I never got my letter back. You promised.”

“I’m never giving it back.” Lara Jean says with finality. “It’s humiliating. I said I always wanted to call you Johnny.”

“It’s romantic,” Hollis interrupts in an insistent tone. “In my Valentine’s Day card last year, Leon just wrote ‘You da best.’ ‘You da best!’ At least you two can exchange actual words.”

“We’re not discussing this further,” Lara Jean drags John away by the elbow. “John is dying to check out the balcony. He’s in the market for a new apartment so excuse us, he would like a tour of this place.”

“I actually am not looking for an apartment-” John starts to protest but soon they’re outside in the brisk air.

“I know that!” Lara Jean scoffs. “I just needed her to stop talking about the letter, which by the way, I’m serious you are never getting back.”

“You made an unbreakable vow.” John reminds her as he settles into a chair on the balcony. He looks crestfallen but before Lara Jean can reply, he points to the faint twinkling lights beyond. “The view is really great. I never knew Chapel Hill could be so beautiful at night.”

“Right?” Lara Jean nods, satisfied. She still feels buzzed but the night air seems to have sobered her slightly. “The only redeeming quality of this frat den.”

“You seem to have sobered up a little,” John notes, seemingly reading her mind. “I still can’t believe I saw Lara Jean drunk.”

“Tipsy,” Lara Jean starts to correct but the sideways look John shoots her makes her stop her protestations. “Fine, maybe a little drunk. I guess I’m a lightweight. I didn’t even think the drinks were that strong.”

“Says the girl who made them.” John quips.

“I just mixed the non-alcoholic ingredients. Everyone said if I made the drinks no one would get drunk.” Lara Jean wrinkles her nose in memory at Leon and Hollis simultaneously dumping in handles of vodka.

“That makes sense.” They’re surrounded by comfortable silence for a moment before John breaks it. “So tell me, LJ, what else should I know about this new you who drinks and enrolls in Jane Austen summer programs?”

The familiar old nickname elicits a tiny flurry of something deep within her belly. She laughs it off. “Well, I don’t drink really. Only on the very rare occasion.” She doesn’t add- the rare occasion when I might see a boy who I once declared love to via letter and then possibly broke the heart of. “I still bake constantly. I actually started a baking club. Um,”

She trails off as she hears the chanting of ‘Chug, chug, chug’ coming from inside the apartment. Continuing she says, “And I really hate parties like this one.”

John looks a little relieved. “I was admittedly confused when I got here and wondered how this had become Lara Jean Song Covey’s scene.”

Lara Jean feels another prick of pleasure at the sound of her full name on his lips. It’s their thing, she thinks. Using each other’s full names. She also likes that he always includes the ‘Song’ in her name. She thinks her mom would’ve liked that too.

“It’s really not my scene. In fact, I think it’s time to leave.” She stands up, a little too quickly but John quickly steadies her with a hand on her lower back. She thinks the dizziness is what sets off the cacophony of flurries in her stomach as he touches her. “Thanks.”

“I’ll drive you home. Come on,” He leads her through the overcrowded party but not before Hollis waves and winks at her, clearly misinterpreting them leaving together as something more than just a friendly ride home. She’s grateful John doesn’t see because that would be embarrassing and probably lead to some ‘just friends’ talk because of course, he doesn’t see her like that.

It’s not their time. It never was.

But one day, maybe it will be.

John’s words, the ones he spoke on her birthday all those years ago, echo in her head as if to challenge that her mind’s fervent insistence that they are just friends. Lara Jean tries to let the reverie recede back into the crevices of her memory. But it stays firmly planted at the forefront of her cerebral cortex as she climbs into John’s car.

He doesn’t need to ask her which way since she lives on campus. Instead, they drive in companionable silence as Lara Jean gazes out the window. Wondering what her life would be like now if she had accepted John’s snow globe rather than Peter’s necklace. Would they be here now?

It’s funny how even after all this time, he’s still her biggest what if. It’s like, him moving after eight grade set off an unchangeable course of events. She thinks of that movie, Sliding Doors, and wishes she could watch her two choices play out side by side. She has a feeling though, it still would have ended in heartbreak one way or another.

Because she doesn’t regret Peter, not one bit. He was her first love, her sweet, perfect first love who she would never forget. But now, sitting in John’s car she thinks had she chosen him that day maybe he would have been another heartbreak.

Now, though, in their second year soon to be third year of college, there’s the potential for more. Or at least, she hopes there is. He might have a new girlfriend, just because he and Dipti aren’t together doesn’t mean he’s single.

Those feelings he once had for her might seem unfathomable to him now.

Yet, somehow she can’t help but let a silent movie start rolling in her head of what they could be.

Chapter Text

The sun shines down as John Ambrose McClaren as he walks to his final debate of the semester. While most students have been burying their heads in books, biting their nails, and exerting general stressed behavior over the rapidly approaching final exams, John hasn’t felt anxious in the slightest.

Because John is not a procrastinator like most of those students. He didn’t spend all year downing beers in the backyard of frat houses or making out with girls in dimly lit hallways, he kept up with assignments, routine studying, and all other academia so he knows he will likely get a B at the very least on every single test.

Plus, there’s the fact that he’s found a very reliable study buddy to keep him on track. Lara Jean is the one friend he has that understands his devotion to his school work. On weeknights, they crowd around her dining room table, cluttered with textbooks, notebooks, and plates of baked goods Lara Jean has made. Even though they don’t share any classes this semester, they study together because they’ve always been good at keeping each other company while in their own zone.

Like the day in the treehouse, perhaps one of his favorite middle school memories. It was then, reading side-by-side, that he saw how alike he and Lara Jean were. They both had sported twin expressions of disappointment when their reading session was broken up by Peter and the others and their loud chattering that came along with it.

Maybe there were other reasons he enjoyed studying with Lara Jean so much… Like the rewards brought by her affinity for baking. Or her ever-changing admirably complex braided hairstyles. Or how her smile shone when she was thinking of a fond memory.

It didn’t really matter that she would probably never love him again. If her self-proclaimed eighth-grade crush could even be labeled as love.

Her friendship felt like something better than love. It felt more permanent than whatever they temporarily had back in high school.

At least, that’s what he had been telling himself ever since that happenstance day in March when he saw her again.

If he was honest with himself, at low points with Dipti, when their connection started to fade, somewhere in the recesses of his mind was the comforting what if of Lara Jean. Ever since the night of her birthday when it ended, he had this fleeting thought that she would always haunt him. He supposed everyone had a one that got away. If she were his, he was alright with that.

He still remembers the way his parents were so convinced transferring to UNC had to be because of a girl. But it was really nothing to do with Lara Jean. In fact, her enrolling here almost held him back. The idea of seeing her again and feeling the old stirrings of feelings half-convinced him to stay at William & Mary where he felt like an outsider. But then, he remembered the way the community shared in his high school debate team had lit him from within and knew he needed to make a change. UNC was the only nearby school that would allow him to transfer seamlessly and retain all of his credits from William & Mary.

John Ambrose felt slightly relieved that it had taken so long to run into Lara Jean on campus. It was the proof he needed that she wasn’t his someday.

His phone pings and he glances down. Lara Jean’s name pops up on his screen and he feels a little flicker of energy pass through his fingers when he swipes open on the text.

The Bakeology Bake Club would like to formally request your presence at tonight’s meeting. We need a second opinion. There’s a heated debate over which dessert to serve at the mixer on Sunday.

He reads her text and shoots back an instant reply.

I’ll be there. 7 PM?

She replies back just as fast.

Yes.

1. Choose the lemon bars :)

He smiles and puts his phone in his pocket, knowing that he would have chosen her dessert even if she hadn’t given him a hint.

The mixer she’s referring to is the club event in which all the on-campus clubs set up booths in one of the quads to show off their offerings to the incoming Freshman during their campus visit. She’s determined to get more members to join the baking club next fall since it currently only has a modest membership of twelve.

John will be there too, representing the Dialectic and Philanthropic Societies. His booth will be right across from Lara Jean’s so he isn’t dreading it all like the other society members are. They all apparently hate having to give a watered-down version of what it is they do to incoming Freshmen and their parents. Yet, passing out pamphlets and selling membership to debate club doesn’t sound quite so bad when he knows the Bakeology booth will be right across the way.

When John arrives at the Bakeology Bake Club meeting, held in the small but functional kitchen in Cobb, he discovers each of the girls has apparently each brought a representative to vote on their behalf. There are half a dozen people John has never seen before and Lara Jean seems to be struggling to keep the volume down.

“Wow,” John says once he reaches Lara Jean. “Looks like you finally got your attendance numbers up.”

“They’re not members,” Lara Jean huffs, confirming John’s suspicions. “Everyone said you wouldn’t be impartial so we needed more people to decide. You are now one of a six-person voting committee.”

“This is being taken very seriously, isn’t it?” John quirks a brow.

“Yes,” Lara Jean admits, begrudgingly. “I guess they are all convinced that we’ll only get new sign-ups if the sample desserts are ‘mind-blowing.’”

They head into the center of the commotion as Lara Jean starts to take command. But just before, she stands on her tip-toes to whisper in his ear. “Remember, lemon bars!”

“Hey,” One of the girls reprimands. “You’re cheating!”

“I would never.” Lara Jean brushes aside the girl’s comment. “Now judges, take your places.”

Lara Jean points at the leather sofa which can barely fit four. Two of the other guys, a fratty looking one who is probably someone’s boyfriend, and another guy John think he recognizes from an econ class take the armchairs beside the couch.

“This is sick,” The frat guy says to him and the other guy. “I want to join just as a permanent taste tester. Having hot girls ply me with desserts, is like the dream.”

John hopes he’s not one of the girl’s boyfriends after all and finds himself scooting away as far as possible as the frat guy’s gaze peruses the apron-clad bodies in front of him. In fact, with the way none of the girls seem to acknowledge them, he wouldn’t be surprised he if was picked off the street in Greek Village.

“Thanks, Laura.” The guy incorrectly addresses Lara Jean.

Lara Jean shoots John an exasperated look and they both smile a little. Next, she gives him a plate with a massive lemon bar that dwarfs the other desserts. The selection seems to also include a chiffon cake, a rhubarb pie, and a shortcake cookie. Lara Jean’s dessert, of course, is no ordinary lemon bar and instead is swirled with raspberries and topped with a slice of a dried Meyer lemon.

It wins, by a landslide. Just like John knew it would.

Afterward, he walks Lara Jean back to Morrison, even though she insists she doesn’t need an escort. “How are you feeling about the semester ending?”

Lara Jean seems pensive before replying. “Good, I guess. I’m excited about the summer program and to see what it’s like in Chapel Hill during summer. Plus, it’s not like I won’t have anyone to hang out with.” She elbows him playfully.

“That is true,” John agrees. “I do have to admit, I’m really looking forward to the internship. Even if I’ll mostly be answering phones and distributing mail.”

“You always did make the best of even the most mundane tasks.” Lara Jean smiles wistfully.

“What does that mean?” John isn’t sure if the statement was a compliment or an insult.

“It’s a good thing.” Lara Jean reassures. “Like I can always count on you to help me out whether it’s cleaning up the Bakeology messes or all the crumpled tissues in the community room after the Star Ball. You don’t even complain or look the slightest bit begrudging. It’s nice.”

She says it all so casually that it only makes him wish harder that her attention didn’t make him feel a flicker of nervous energy. Hiding it, he tacks on a wry expression and replies. “You notice everything, Lara Jean.”

As they near her dorm, he reminds himself that easy energy they share, the seamless banter that sometimes feels like flirting, none of it means their friendship will ever turn into anything more. Nor should he want it to. That only landed him with a broken teenaged heart before so who knows what it would do him for a second time.

Chapter Text

A swarm of clouds hover in the skies on the last day of classes, sombering the bright mood on campus. Although the gloomy weather should make Lara Jean want to stay in and read all day, she finds her cheery, social disposition can’t be dampened. The grades she received on finals has made her confident she will maintain or possibly improve her 3.7 GPA. Plus, she’s heard from over twenty prospective students interested in joining the Bakeology Bake Club since the booth in April and it’s not even near fall.

Though the club may be on hiatus until summer, she certainly won’t be quitting her sugary sweet habits anytime soon. She’s already baked an elaborate spread of desserts to bring over to John and his roommate’s place tonight as they celebrate the end of the semester. Hollis is coming as well along with a few of their other friends at the low key hang out.

The other thing that has her on a high is that Chris- her stray cat of a best friend, is finally coming to visit her next weekend. She’s still a little disbelieving that she managed to convince Chris to ditch her globe-trotting agenda for one weekend and maybe Lara Jean had to employ a few deceitful tactics such as spinning exaggerated tales about the wild nights at the local karaoke bar. She’s so excited that Chris will finally see her life at UNC and can help her set-up her new room in the shared apartment with Hollis.

Arriving at her mostly packed up dorm room, Lara Jean deposits her floral tote bag on the nearest chair. After a quick glance in the mirror, she decides that an outfit change is definitely in order before she heads to John’s. A suede mini skirt and a black ruffle-trimmed sweater is what she lands on, throwing on black lace tights at the last minute so she doesn’t freeze.

Hearing her phone buzz from somewhere within the depths of her bag, she fumbles for it clumsily. As she reads the name on the screen, she doesn’t even realize a smile has found its way to her lips. John has said he’s still on campus and can give her a ride over to the party if she wants. She’ll be early by an hour but it’s better than walking in the frigid air so she doesn’t hesitate in her response:

Sure :)

Rearranging the caramel peanut butter bars on the serving dish, she finally seals them off with saran wrap for the drive over. A knock sounds just as she’s swapping purses and she lets John in.

“Thanks so much for getting me,” Lara Jean is hopping around on one foot as she tries to maneuver her sock-clad foot into her ankle boot. “I didn’t-”

She reaches out for a chair to balance on but John catches her by the arm and steadies her. “It’s not a problem. Besides, it looks like it might rain and those shoes don’t exactly look weatherproof. Suede right?”

She nods in agreement and lets his grip linger on her as she fastens the zip of her boot. When both shoes are on she straightens. “True, thank you for thinking of that.”

He takes in her appearance for just a moment. “You look nice. Oh, are those peanut butter bars?” His eyes flick away in distraction, predictably.

Lara Jean swats his hand away as he reaches for the dish. “No! Not yet.”

“I was just looking,” John shakes his head. “You’re awfully protective of your desserts.”

“We can’t show up with a tray only half-full.” Lara Jean admonishes. “It would be ill-mannered.”

“It’s my place,” John reminds her with a laugh.

She rolls her eyes and elbows him, teasingly. “I know. Let’s go, I’m ready.”

They walk out of Morrison and see the sky has darkened so much it feels more like twilight rather than dusk. Lara Jean frowns at the clouds as they walk and says a silent prayer that it doesn’t rain on her walk home tonight.

John’s neat, tidy apartment is characteristic of him but out of place on this campus with student living tendencies to err on the side of chaotic. With John’s roommate on a last-minute provisions run, it’s just the two of them when they arrive. Making her way into the kitchen to deposit the peanut butter bars, she remembers she still hasn’t told John the news about Chris.

She skips out into the living room and finds him exiting his room, having dropped off his books onto his desk, and beams. “Guess what? Chris is coming to visit next weekend!”

“Really? Are you sure?” John seems skeptical.

“Of course!” Lara Jean plops down onto the comfy leather sofa. “Her mom bought her a ticket to visit since she hasn’t been home in like, two years. So I convinced her to make the trip up here for a weekend. Of course, we’ll have to go out because that’s the only way I got her to commit. But you’ll come, won’t you? You can keep the night from getting too wild.”

“What does that mean?” John looks at her warily as he sits beside her. He’s still wearing his outfit from today- a pristine white oxford, complete with a tiny patch of embroidery on the pocket, and paired with navy chinos. It’s a very J.Crew ensemble and very John Ambrose McClaren. “I can have fun, you know Lara Jean.”

“I know that,” Lara Jean looks at him with a head tilt. “But you’re my most practical, reliable friend. So I also know I can count on you to keep Chris from convincing me to accompany her on some mall heist or spontaneous road trip.”

“Chris shoplifts now?” John looks very concerned, missing Lara Jean’s sarcasm.

“No,” Lara Jean throws a pillow at him. “Nevermind. I’ll just try not to get arrested by myself.”

John’s features turn more serious as he says, “I’ll be there. For you.”

Her stomach does a dip unexpectedly, perhaps because of how genuine his gaze is on hers at the moment. She leans back and stifles a sigh in relief that while boyfriends and best friends may come and go, it seems John Ambrose McClaren will always be there.

In an unsurprising turn of events, Chris arrives forty-five minutes earlier than expected to Lara Jean’s new apartment because she barreled down the highways fast enough to cut the three and a half-hour drive down significantly. Lara Jean learns of her best friend’s presence by the sound of incessant knocking on the door and the manic twisting of the locked door handle.

After turning the deadbolt and opening the door, Lara Jean is engulfed in a hug that makes her feel unexpectedly emotional. She pulled away to study her best friend’s face, detecting a tan and a smattering of freckles. “Have you been wearing sunscreen?”

“That’s the first thing you’re going to say to me after not seeing me for like 2 years?” Chris sounds a little irritated but mostly pleased. “Yes, Lara Jean. Ah! I can’t believe I’m here!”

Barging in, Chris promptly begins a thorough inspection of Lara Jean’s new apartment. She even tries to snoop in Hollis’ room, who isn’t home and has to be dragged away by Lara Jean. After deeming the place “totally fit for a rager”, Chris finally settles down and puts away her bags.

Now, Lara Jean and Chris are painting their nails on the floral rug in her bedroom. Chris begins applying a second coat of teal nail polish and doesn’t look up as she asks, “So have you and McClaren banged yet?”

The brush that was currently applying a layer of pale pink polish to Lara Jean’s ring finger skitters suddenly, leaving a messy streak. Lara Jean looks up in alarm. “Chris! I’m going to have to start over now!”

Chris laughs sardonically, “I mean you’re the one that says you guys hang out all the time. It’s a reasonable question to ask.”

Lara Jean had kept in contact with Chris over the years through regular Skype calls and Facebook messages since Chris didn’t have an international cell plan. Even though Chris knew that John was going to her school and that their friendship had been rekindled, Lara Jean was positive she never gave her best friend the impression that it wasn’t platonic between them. “He’s my friend.” Lara Jean replies primly. “It’s a ridiculous question to ask.”

“Your friend who once told you he wanted to make it ‘unequivocally clear’ he liked you who kissed that one time.” Chris presses on. “Oh and of course, let’s not forget the love letters.”

“Love letter,” Lara Jean corrects. “ Singular .”

“Right cause when you guys were pen pals that was totally platonic.” Chris gives her a look that says get real .

“Well,” Lara Jean starts removing the jagged streak of polish with a cotton swab. “That was years ago and we’re just friends now. Trust me, he doesn’t feel that way anymore.”

“And neither do you?”

Lara Jean feels herself blush as she takes a nanosecond too long to reply.

“Gotcha!” Chris fills the contemplative silence with a note of triumph. “I knew it.”

“I don’t know, Chris…” Lara Jean stares down at her half-polished nails. “I don’t think I like him, I think I just depend on him. Anyways, it would be a bad idea to go down that path again. Not that he would even want to, what I did was so horrible, I still feel guilty over it. So, I guarantee you, he doesn’t feel the same anymore.” Lara Jean is proud of how certain her voice sounds just then.

Chris seems to think over her best friend’s clarification before speaking with a hint of warning. “I’ll be the judge of that tonight.”

By the time Lara Jean’s nails have dried, an already sprouting seed of what if? has been planted in her mind.

Hollis gets home around six with her boyfriend, Ethan, along with his two roommates, much to Chris’s elation. When they aren’t listening, Chris, whispers that she’s “so relieved I won’t be fifth wheeling.”

Lara Jean gives her a warning look and is about to remind her that she and John are not a couple when he knocks on the door. She knows it’s him because all their other friends just barge in but not John with his painful politeness. He has a bunch of pizza boxes in his hands and Lara Jean takes them gratefully, heading to the kitchen to deliver them.

“McClaren!” She hears Chris call, jumping up from the couch where she has been flirting with both of the roommates, Hayden and Freddie. “I haven’t seen you since your traitorous ass took me out in Assassins.”

Lara Jean watches from the kitchen as John laughs good-naturedly and hugs her. “Hi Chris, how has traveling the world been?”

“It’s pretty sick,” Chris twirls her sun-bleached hair, idly. “How is debate club or whatever nerd activities you've been up to?”

Lara Jean and John exchange a look over Chris’s shoulder before John replies. “Everything is great.”

Chris must have seen the look John gave her as she turns back and shoots Lara Jean a meaningful glance. Pretending not to see, Lara Jean starts setting paper plates out by the pizza boxes and calls everyone into the kitchen to grab a slice.

Then, Lara Jean gets out the pitcher of lavender lemonade she made earlier and sets it near a stack of plastic cups. Chris leans over to smell it and asks, “Where’s the booze, LJ?”

“Chris, you can wait until the bowling alley to drink.”

Chris disappears suddenly and returns with a flask that she unceremoniously begins dumping into the pitcher. “Much better,”

Lara Jean visibly reels. “Chris!”

Chris is triumphant all the while, being bumped on the shoulder approvingly by Hayden “That’s more like it.”

The two begin pouring drinks and cheering each other, oblivious to Lara Jean’s dismay. Or selectively so. Only John reads Lara Jean’s thoughts as he leans in to whisper in her ear. “Same old Chris, huh?”

“Yeah, seems like it.” She says before confessing, “Luckily, I poured mine pre-spiking.”

John frowns, “I wish I would have. I’ll have water instead since I’m driving.”

Lara Jean forgot John had offered to drive and offers up her cup instead. “Take mine.”

Before he can protest, Lara Jean begrudgingly fills a new cup with the vodka-laden lemonade and crosses her fingers that it’s not as strong as it smells.

Over pizzas that night, Chris regales them all with tales of her late nights on the beaches of Bali, excursions through the rainforests of Costa Rica, and getting lost in the streets of India. Even though half of them don’t know her, she quickly gains an enraptured audience. Their eyes fixed on the sun-bleached blonde as she leans forward, elbows propped, eyes wide.

Lara Jean thinks Hayden falls a little in love with Chris from her storytelling skills alone as he studies Chris intently. Chris, in turn, focuses her attention more so on Freddie, a classic hard-to-get move that she apparently hasn’t outgrown.

Once the pizzas are cleaned up and nearly everyone with the exception of John and Ethan are buzzed, they all pile into each of the boys cars. Chris insists on riding “with the boys,” and climbs into the back of Ethan’s Jeep, right between Hayden and Freddie. Lara Jean sees right through this and glares at her best friend as she slides into the passenger seat of John’s sedan.

It’s not that she doesn’t want to be alone with John, it’s just that ever since Chris brought up the possibility of something romantic happening between her and John again, it’s all she can think about. Where she would normally be chatting away with him as they drive toward Franklin, she instead is fretting.

John doesn’t seem to pick up on her growing unease and elbows her. “Hey, guarantee you that by the time we get to the bowling alley Chris will be blitzed. I saw her refilling that flask.”

Lara Jean whips her head to stare at him. “No! How? I thought she emptied it.”

“Ethan helpfully showed her where you and Hollis keep the alcohol so she refilled it ‘in case the alley skimps.’” John mimes air quotes.

Sighing, Lara Jean keeps her gaze fixed on him. “John! You were supposed to stop her from getting too wild.”

“Lara Jean,” Stopped at a red light, John glances over at her with a wry expression. “You’re her best friend. You should know by now she’s not exactly one to be stopped. I know from experience that that fact hasn’t changed. When you were putting away the leftover pizza, she launched a very thorough inquisition into my love life.”

A flash of heat floods her body as she reels. “What?!”

Lara Jean could climb out of this car and run all the way to catch up to Ethan’s Jeep and pull Chris out by the hair to scream at her. She can only imagine all the not so subtle ways in which she probably hinted and possibly even implied that Lara Jean has feelings for John. Or worse yet, she might have told him to make a move.

This idea doesn’t exactly disappoint Lara Jean but it does embarrass her.

John is laughing, “It’s fine-”

“What exactly did she ask- or say?” Lara Jean tries to sound casual as she asks.

She feels John’s eyes on her, “Why?”

“I’m just curious about how far she took her lack of social boundaries on this particular evening.” Lara Jean looks out the window, attempting a bored tone.

“Okay,” John says slowly as though deciding on whether it’s worth reporting. “Well, she asked about Dipti and I told her we broke up a while ago. Then, she asked if I was over Dipti and if so, was I sure?” He pauses here. “Then she asked if I liked the girls better at UNC or William and Mary. Also, she asked if there were any quote-unquote boneable nerds in my debate club.”

Lara Jean claps a hand over her mouth, the brazenness of Chris really shouldn’t surprise her at this point but somehow it still does. Thankfully, it sounds like none of her pryings hinted at her earlier conversation with Lara Jean. “I hope you told her to back off.”

It’s a lie. She hopes he answered every single one of those questions so she can ask Chris what his answers were later. Even if it is a very high school move.

“Nah,” John shrugs. “I don’t mind. You know, I kind of always thought Chris was bored by me and that we fell firmly into the category of acquaintances rather than friends. It was nice to know she was interested in what I had been up to.”

Feeling a pang of guilt, Lara Jean pastes on an understanding smile. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, she decides. They pull into the bowling parking lot and Lara Jean crosses her fingers, praying Chris hasn’t already started a scene.

They find Chris waiting in line with the others, arms slung around each of the guys and beaming when Lara Jean saddles up beside them. “You’re right, Lara Jean. Bowling will be fun.”

The slight slur makes Lara Jean wince and she shakes her head at her best friend. They get their lane a few minutes later and are all lacing up their shoes as they sit on the roomy cracked leather couch. Chris has decided to be the one to punch in the names on the screen and accidentally inputs Hollis’ name as Holly which gets a glare from Lara Jean.

John goes off to retrieve drinks, bringing a huge pitcher of water which he promptly pours a glass from for Chris. Lara Jean shoots him a grateful look as Chris begrudgingly drinks it, only after being persuaded that for every glass of water she drank, John would buy her a drink of her choice. Lara Jean has a feeling that he’ll be making those drinks virgin though but Chris won’t be any the wiser.

Lara Jean's lack of athleticism shows itself as she fails bowl after bowl. The ball careens towards the gutter and everyone gives a sad sigh. On her fourth turn, it seems like it might hit one pin but then it swerves straight back into the gutter.

John, on the other hand, is a pro apparently and gets a spare his first turn and a strike his second. Chris is the only one not impressed and she spends each of her turns thinking of new, innovative ways to throw the ball down the alley.

When it’s Lara Jean’s turn again, Chris calls out. “Hey McClaren, maybe you should show LJ how it’s done! Go give her a lesson.”

Lara Jean subtly turns to glare but John misses the insinuation and helpfully strides up to Lara Jean.

A pang ignites in her solar plexus as he approaches her, reaching toward her. She thinks he’s going to do that cheesy movie move where the guy strides up behind the girl to demonstrate but he doesn’t. Instead, he merely points to her arm and gestures how to hold the ball properly.

“You need to keep your arm straight when you throw it,” He touches her forearm, right along her radius. “You keep twisting it at the last moment which is what sets it off toward the gutter.”

Lara Jean feels color rise to her cheeks and blames Chris. If it wasn’t for Chris’ probing earlier she wouldn’t think anything of John touching her. Now, she’s memorizing the feel of his hand gripping her arm, imagining it sliding up toward her shoulder to embrace her.

She shakes the thought away and nods at John. “I got it. Thanks.”

“You got this, Lara Jean.” Before turning away back toward the couch, John gives her one last encouraging smile that sends a shiver of pleasure down her spine.

Facing the alley and trying to remember what exactly John said, not just how his skin felt on hers, she gears up to throw the ball. As though by magic, it’s suddenly barreling straight down the lane toward the pins and with a flourish, it knocks them all out.

A strike.

She turns, feeling a triumphant grin spread across her face and everyone lets out ear-piercing cheers. As she walks back toward the couch, her friends high five her. John stands and slides an arm around her upper back, looking at her like he’s almost proud. “See, I knew you had a strike in you.”

Lara Jean can feel Chris watching this interaction but decides to ignore her as she leans into the moment. She allows herself to revel in the feel of John’s praise as she slides back onto the couch.

Chris is swaying through the parking lot, belting out a tune in an imaginary microphone as they all leave the bowling alley. John won with so many strikes that they all lost count. Lara Jean did miraculously manage to not come in last, that title went to Chris instead.

“You promised me karaoke,” Chris is saying, now as she spins to face Lara Jean and John. Hollis and the guys all headed back to her boyfriend’s apartment where she’ll be spending the night. “Lara Jean, I thought you never break promises.”

“We’re doing karaoke tomorrow night, remember?” Lara Jean pulls Chris back by the collar of her flannel shirt. She’s making a desperate attempt at escaping and begins a beeline for the bar across the street. “We’ve had enough fun for tonight I think.”

John’s car beeps as he unlocks it and opens the back passenger door for Chris. Lara Jean gently guides her friend in and buckles her seatbelt for her as Chris slumps against the seat. “We should invite Hayden. He was cute.”

“You have his phone number, go ahead. But for tomorrow night. Not tonight, okay?” Lara Jean is leaning over Chris, making sure she registers this fact. Once Chris has nodded her acquiescence, Lara Jean gets into the car. John starts the car and shakes his head with a faint smile.

“What?” She stares at him quizzically.

“We did it.” John keeps his voice low to not let a texting Chris hear him from the back seat as he pulls out of the parking spot. “I really thought she was going to make a break for it and we’d be dragging her out of the bar. Or bailing her out of jail.”

“There’s still tomorrow night…” She reminds him with a wry tone.

There’s a brief silence and once the whoosh of Chris’s phone has signaled the conclusion of her text to Hayden, she pipes up with a wicked smile that makes Lara Jean’s stomach turn from the very sight of it in the rearview mirror.

“Hey McClaren, did you hear about the first time that Lara Jean got drunk?” Chris is leaning forward, now, draping both arms across the back of their seats. “She was such a lightweight that she got wasted off like three sips of a martini. Then, she dumped Kavinsky in a parking lot. It was epic.”

“Chris!” Lara Jean feels her cheeks heat. She can’t believe her best friend would so casually share what was one of the worst moments in her teenage years. She glances out the window to count the blocks left until they get home. Too many still… “You weren’t even there.”

“I heard about it, though. Come on, you must have some epic stories from college you’re holding out on.” She swivels her head to peer at John who’s been silent. “Know of any good tales, McClaren?”

“I don’t actually. Sorry to disappoint, Chris.” Lara Jean could hug him if he wasn’t driving.

Chris just huffs in disappointment, letting the topic go, and dozes off within a few minutes. She’s still so bleary-eyed by the time they pull up to Lara Jean’s apartment that John has to shoulder her out of the car. Lara Jean tells him just to go home, she can handle Chris, but he insists. In the cool elevator air, Lara Jean pinches the bare skin of Chris’s arm and watches as she wakes up slowly, still leaning on John. She looks up at him, frowning, and then over at Lara Jean.

“Is it time for karaoke now?” She asks, swaying as the elevator comes to a halt on Lara Jean’s floor.

“Sure, Chris.” Lara Jean yawns and steps out of the elevator.

Makeup still intact, Chris crawls into Lara Jean’s bed once they’re inside and Lara Jean has a mental debate whether she’ll be able to fit beside her in the twin bed. Knowing Chris, she’ll probably be kicked off in the middle of the night by her bony legs.

“Want me to move her to the couch?” John asks wryly. “It looks like your bed was stolen.”

Lara Jean shrugs, “I’ll be fine, I’ll push her off if I need to. I’m sure she’s slept in worse places than the floor of my apartment in all her travels.”

They both know Lara Jean would sooner take the floor herself than resign her friend to it but John nods. “Well, this was fun. It was nice to have a reunion of sorts.”

“You aren’t trying to get out of tomorrow night, are you?” Lara Jean questions as they walk toward her front door.

“No, of course not.” John smiles, reaching for the door handle. “Goodnight, Lara Jean. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She falls asleep that night, wedged in next to Chris, with his soft smile in her memory

Chapter Text

It’s June and John Ambrose McClaren should be feeling lighter than a cloud in the blue sky- it's summer, his internship has been off to a great start, and almost every day off is spent with Lara Jean. It's great, really, but instead, he’s been feeling vexed. Despite all of his efforts and logical thinking these past three months, he’s concerned that he is unavoidably enamored by Lara Jean Song Covey.

Perhaps it became most apparent that his attempts to not fall for Lara Jean, again, were failing when Chris came to visit last month. Lara Jean was in the kitchen, just out of earshot, and Chris strategically took the opportunity to not-so-subtly make some insinuations that she noticed how he felt about her. He didn’t even notice that he might be harboring feelings.

“Hey Sundance Kid,” Chris had sidled up next to him as he laced up his shoes sitting on the couch. He had bristled at her using his old nickname. The one that reminded him how he was just the sidekick and Peter Kavinsky would always be the hero- even if they weren’t friends anymore. “Where’s your girlfriend?”

“Girlfriend?” He had repeated, caught off-guard and almost reverting to his old stuttered way of speaking.

“The nerd from William and Mary? I can’t remember what LJ said her name was.” Chris had started to look bored.

“Dipti and I broke up a while ago.” John had given her a forgiving smile.

“Right,” She glanced around. “So that heart of yours- the one you painfully wear on your sleeve, is just wide open for someone who you maybe have been obsessed with for a long, long, long time?”

John had given her a nervous, confused laugh. “I’m not quite sure I follow, Chris.”

“Sure you do,” She had smirked. “Unless… Are you over the ex? Do you guys ever text, Skype, backslide, et cetera?”

“None of the above.” He had replied automatically. “It was for the best it ended.”

John had gotten up then, eager to escape where this conversation was headed. It was making him questions topics he had long since shoved aside into the archive of his brain.

“Right…” Chris rolled her eyes. “Anyway, since you’re going to make me spell it out, I’ll say it. It’s time you realized that if you want to bone someone or declare your undying love or whatever, the time to do it is now. We’re young, what do you have to lose?”

“That’s really motivational, Chris.” It came out sarcastic by accident, probably because he was struggling to process. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

It hadn’t been hard to piece together who Chris was talking about, well at least not after he hyper-analyzed their conversation to ensure it was Lara Jean Chris was talking about and not her. Not that Chris would ever go for a ‘nerd like him’.

Since then, he kept wondering if he was in love with Lara Jean. But love? That seemed so extreme. Maybe in the cutesy innocent sort of love like Lara Jean’s letter from all those years ago. But real, proper love. He hadn’t even felt that for Dipti.

His consequent interactions with Lara Jean were spent obsessively reflecting on all of their interactions for signs that he had harbored deeper feelings for her than he was aware of. Each time, he found a little more unavoidable evidence. Like how his heart had never quite resumed its normal pattern of beating when he was around her. Not since the eight grade, not since now.

Maybe it feels worse today because of the looming dread that's been plaguing him in anticipation of this weekend. Today, Lara Jean's Jane Austen literature program starts and he won’t see her for four days while she stays in the wing of the dorms reserved for the participants. Technically five because he got off work from the internship late last night and she was packing so they didn't end up hanging out as they do on most Friday nights. He's excited for her, he is, but he keeps feeling a little aimless this Saturday. Like he's not sure what the purpose of a day off is if he has no one to spend it with. 

He headed out first thing this morning to grab a coffee at their favorite cafe on the corner in the hopes that would motivate him. He wandered down the street into a stationery store to pick out a card to mail to his mom, knowing how disappointed she was she would barely seem him this summer. Stopping by the post office to mail it, he glances down at his watch hoping it'll nearly be noon but finds it's only 10:15. Hours and days to go... 

It hits him then, he is irrevocably missing Lara Jean. 

When he gets home, Neil is sitting on the couch writing a song it seems as he strums a guitar and scribbles furiously on a sheet of paper. Music was one of the things they had bonded over, they always said they would play together- John on the piano and Neil on the guitar but thus far, it was yet to happen.

“New song?” John asks, sitting in the armchair across from Neil.

“I think so, I’m a little stuck.”

“Speaking of stuck,” John tries to segway, unsuccessfully. “Have you ever been hung up on a girl who you already know isn’t into you and has, I don’t know-” He nervously reaches behind himself and grabs his neck. “Maybe she even rejected you before?”

“Of course.” Neil says, without looking up.

“How did you get over it?” John asks, hopeful.

“I wrote a song, I guess. That and stopped seeing her. That part was easy since she had dumped me anyway”

“What if neither of those are options?” John is starting to feel bad for bothering Neil when he was in the middle of writing but this is important and he only has four days to solve this problem.

Now Neil looks up, blue eyes glinting in the sunlight. “Anyone can write a song- it just might not be good. As for the second part…” He sets down the pen as he thinks. “If she hasn’t stopped seeing you and you don’t want to stop seeing her, then are you sure you need to get over it? It sounds like it might be one of the scenarios where the solution is to put yourself out there and face rejection again.”

John gets up from the chair and begins pacing, thinking this over. “Thanks, man.” John starts to leave the living room to head to his room and jot down some thoughts.

“Sure.” Neil shrugs. “Good luck with Lara Jean.”

John halts, pausing in the doorway to his room. “Lara Jean?”

Neil laughs, “It’s pretty obvious… Sorry. It was confirmed for me last month when you spent five hours decorating her apartment for her birthday with her roommate. I didn’t even do that for my ex-girlfriend.”

Lost for words, John shakes his head and heads into his room closing the door behind him.

So Chris and Neil both knew about his feelings for Lara Jean before he did apparently. That’s not that big of a deal and it certainly doesn’t mean he has to act on them. But if Neil deduced his unconcealed torch for Lara Jean, did Hollis too?

John sinks on his bed, hitting a book with a heavy thud before tossing it aside. He’s awash with embarrassment, especially thinking of how Lara Jean looked at Kavinsky that day in the treehouse. Like he was the sun and the moon and all the stars.

If Lara Jean felt the same way about him as she did for Peter, it would be written all over her face. Yet, the writing has never been there.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he sighs before pulling it out, already anticipating a text from his mom. His mailing that card probably alerted her via the ether of a rare opportunity to successfully guilt-trip him into a visit home.

Instead, it’s Lara Jean.

I could get my phone confiscated just for texting you (they’re serious about this 'no modern tech' rule) but I had to tell someone... Tomorrow we are doing an Austen book and baking pairing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, it's a competition so I'm guaranteed to win, right? 

The exclamation points are followed by a long stream of smiling, cheering, dessert, and champagne related emojis conveying Lara Jean’s joy. John laughs and brightens instantly thinking of how her smile must be consuming her whole expression right now.

Your two loves combined-

He backspaces the word love, suddenly self-conscious. Retyping, he spells out-

Haha, you must be happier than when they announced the Golden Girls reboot

A chat bubble appears as she types back.

I am...

Her text stops then starts again.

Oh no, my intense Austenite roommate is coming. MUST HIDE PHONE

PS I miss you, Johnny :) Okay hiding it, bye.

John swallows as he reads her hastily tacked on final text, feeling a wave of something that feels a lot like affection.

It was a joke, obviously. Her letter, the one he vaguely remembers and swears he will get back from her someday had said something about wanting to call him Johnny. That was all. Unless...

He reaches for his phone on impulse and types back a message he will most likely regret later.

I miss you too

Pressing send before he can regret it, he tosses the phone onto his bed, heads for his dresser to change into workout clothes and runs straight out of the apartment eager to outrun the thump of his heartbeat slamming against his chest.

Chapter Text

Lara Jean isn’t positive but she’s fairly certain that things have been shifting between her and John Ambrose these past few months. It started when… Lara Jean scrunches her nose as she wipes a streak of flour off her cheek, pensive. 

She’s not actually sure when she started, maybe after class let out and most of their friends headed back home for the summer. She keeps thinking back to those four days she spent away from John for the Jane Austen program and how on the third day she was unexpectedly relieved that it was almost the last day because that would mean seeing him again.

Straight after exchanging numbers with the other girls, she had walked over to John’s to tell him all about the program. It made her heart squeeze when he flung the door as he was expecting her.

Flipping her journal shut, she decides that’s enough ruminating on the confusing nature of her relationship with John Ambrose. Her open laptop starts emitting the unmistakable sound of a Skype call and she rushes over it, already knowing it’s Margot. She quickly smooths her hair, knowing how Margot will narrow her eyes and glance her over if even a strand looks out of place and then answers. 

“Hey, Margot!” Lara Jean takes in her sister’s tanned appearance and surmises that the golden glow is due to the European heat. Lara Jean glances down at her own pale skin and wishes she had spent more time out of the library this month. 

“Hi, Lara Jean.” Margot smiles. “Guess where I am?”

“Barcelona?” Lara Jean hazards. 

“Close, Madrid. So how are you? How’s your summer been? I feel like it’s been weeks.” Margot pushes a hair that’s come loose from her braid. 

Lara Jean doesn’t remind her sister that it has been weeks because that would probably just make her feel guilty and Margot deserves a break from looking after her and Kitty. Thinking of her younger sister, she realizes that she’s been neglecting her which makes her glad she didn’t guilt Margot. She makes a mental note to drive up next weekend to visit Kitty and her dad.

Focusing back in she proceeds to tell Margot all about the Austen program and the new friends she made. 

“I’m so happy for you, Lara Jean.” Margot says and she watches her sister’s shoulders relax a little, as though she had been worried. “I’ll admit, I was surprised when I heard you weren’t going home for the full summer. I thought you might get lonely…” 

“Not at all,” Lara Jean shakes her head. “Hollis is here most of the time since her family is only half an hour away. She only goes home during the weekends. Even then, I’m hanging out with John most of the time so I always have someone.” 

Margot gets a twinkle in her eye as she nods. “It sounds like it. How is John Ambrose McClaren?”

“He’s good, he’s interning at the Mayor’s office for five weeks. It’s full-time.” Lara Jean explains. 

“Ah,” Margot tilts her head, curious. “So you two are still good? Nothing’s changed?”

“What do you mean?” Lara Jean feels her stomach stir at the turn she thinks this conversation is about to turn.

Margot hesitates. “Romantically?”

If Margot had asked her this question a few months ago she would have automatically answered no and laughed at the notion but now she falters. “I don’t think so?”

It comes out like a question and Margot seizes on that note of confusion. “Did something happen?”

“No, not really.” Lara Jean backtracks. “It’s nothing, I’m certain. You know how I am, always reading into things and finding things that aren’t actually there. I could write a love poem about sugar cookies...” She lets out an awkward laugh. 

“Lara Jean,” Margot warns. “Tell me.”

“Fine!” Lara Jean huffs. “It’s just- Chris came to visit a couple of months ago and made very specific insinuations and now I can’t stop thinking about it. But still, there’s no way I could ever have a second chance with him. Not with how I messed up before. I just keep thinking that if I had a second chance then maybe it could be… I don’t know, magical? I’m just worried I missed out on something amazing because I was young and naive.”

Lara Jean feels a wave of nervousness hit, voicing her unspoken feelings for the first time. Except for in the pages of her journal, she’s been mostly denying these emotions even existed.  

It happens again then- that dizzying rush she gets when she tries to put her feelings about John into words. It’s happening so frequently it’s hard to ignore it like she once could. 

“Lara Jean…” Her sister looks at her so sympathetically, Lara Jean feels her chest constrict. 

“Am I delusional, Go-Go?” Lara Jean asks hopelessly. 

“No, not at all.” Margo looks like she might try to reach through the webcam to comfort Lara Jean but then she just sighs. “The contrary. John Ambrose McClaren spends all his time after each day of a long and presumably grueling internship with you. He- from what I’ve heard, would do just about anything for you. Maybe you need to tell him how you feel? I’m guessing he has no idea and that if he did, you wouldn’t be questioning the likelihood of him giving you a second chance.” 

Feeling a wave an overwhelming wave of hope, Lara Jean sinks back on the bed not wanting to get carried away. “Maybe- I’ll think about it.” 
When Lara Jean falls asleep that night, a hopeful narrative begins spinning in her head. 

A breeze flutters through the warm afternoon, rustling Lara Jean’s pages. She sighs, realizing only then that she had been spending more time studying the leaves ahead than the words on the pages in front of her. “I lost my page.” 

“102,” John Ambrose supplies helpfully. When Lara Jean looks at him quizzically, he adds, “I was curious… You were on the same page for the past eight minutes so I had to look over and see what was so captivating.”

Lara Jean feels her cheeks flush, worrying he can read her thoughts. She shifts, her back against her favorite tree on campus, and her floral skirt flowing out around her. “Oh. I guess I got lost in thought.” 

“Clearly,” John smirks in that way that makes her stomach flip. “Are you going to tell me what could possibly be more fascinating than the Madding Crowd?” 

Lara Jean shakes her head automatically. “I don’t even remember.” She laughs nervously and changes the subject quickly. “Do they make you read that?” 

John looks down at his copy of Democracy in America. “Not really. It was recommended though.” 

“Same thing.” 

“Sort of.” 

He bumps her on the shoulder playfully, his crisp oxford shirt rustling against her bare skin. “So?” 

“So what?” She feigns ignorance.

“Come on, if you don’t tell me now then you’ll just go home and bake enough sweets to supply your whole apartment complex. Then, you’ll be even more spaced out tomorrow and you’ll end up walking into oncoming traffic. Don’t make me worry.” 

“That was detailed.” Lara Jean looks away. “That doesn’t sound like me anyway.” 

“Yesterday you burned yourself because you forgot to grab an oven mitt. I still see the burn.” As he reaches for her hand- making his point by pointing out the bright red stripe across her index finger, she feels her solar plexus dip. She studies the contrast of their skin, the gentleness of his grip around hers...

“Okay, maybe you’re right.” She admits in desperation. Struggling to both halt his line of questioning and not lie, she offers. “I’ve just been thinking about the past a lot.”

“The past?” He shifts so he’s facing her now. He looks simultaneously interested and concerned. It makes her even more jittery. “Say more.” 

“The past you know… Memories.” 

“Generally the past does contain memories.” 

“Stop,” She chides his sarcasm. “How do I put this? I guess I’ve been thinking about the roads I might have taken but didn’t. Does that make sense?” 

“It does.” John nods and looks solemn momentarily. A moment of silence passes and Lara Jean fidgets with the pleats in her skirt as she waits for him to continue. She wonders if he’s seen right through her paraphrasing and is about to gently let her down. His face certainly doesn’t contain any traces of happiness.

“It’s Kavinsky, I’m guessing,” John says, at last, catching Lara Jean by surprise. She blinks at him. “You’re wondering where you would be now if you hadn’t broken up?” 

Lara Jean frowns. “No, that wasn’t what I was thinking at all.”

It takes her a moment to continue, she’s so thrown off. “I- I haven’t even thought about Peter for a long time. Not since you-” She cuts herself off. “I’ve been too busy this semester and that’s definitely in the past.” 

This conversation is so derailed she frantically tries to redirect in a way that doesn’t reveal her feelings. She doesn’t want to have Peter come between them again so this can’t be the moment she tells John Ambrose McClaren how she feels about him. 

“I definitely wasn’t thinking about Peter. Peter was a great high school boyfriend and I’m grateful for what we shared. But I don’t wonder where we would be now. I’m so happy here and I’m certain that his lacrosse career wouldn’t be where it is now had we kept forcing long-distance. Anyway, nevermind what I said about the past. I wasn’t even sure what I meant.” Lara Jean finishes with a nervous laugh. “I’m kind of cold now, I should have worn a cardigan. Do you mind if we head back?” 

John Ambrose looks at her for a long moment, a mixture of emotions across his face. The word bleak rings out in her mind as she studies him. His tone is equally gloomy. “Sure.” 

They gather up the blanket they were sitting on and their books and head back to his car in silence. John breaks it once they are both seated and buckled in. “I’m sorry if I said the wrong thing, I didn’t mean to-” 

“No,” Lara Jean cuts in. “It’s totally fine. I’m sorry, I was rude and so distracted today. I think I need to go catch up on sleep or something. I’ve been up late reading lately trying to get ahead for next semester.”

“Right,” John keeps his eyes fixed on the road. “I’ve been feeling exhausted too. We both are. Maybe we should both go home and just hang out tomorrow?” 

“Sure.” Lara Jean smiles over at him, hiding her disappointment. She feels foolish for thinking today was the day to finally tell him and see if they could try again. Since talking to Margot, her thoughts have been consumed with the hope of requited feelings. But now, it feels like it was all a girlish daydream. 

The car pulls up in front of her apartment building before she’s ready and even though she’ll see him tomorrow the goodbye feels unnecessarily heavy. “Have a good rest of your day.” 

“You too, Lara Jean.” He smiles at her weakly and then he’s driving off and she’s numbly heading into the apartment, awash with defeat. 

As she flops back onto her bed, she hears a knock on the door. Her heart races before she can halt it from getting her hopes up. Lara Jean reminds herself that her life is not a movie and she will likely not find John Ambrose McClaren on her doorstep- hands in his pockets, dark brown eyes shining with emotion, and ready to declare his unwavering love. 

She flings the door open and finds Hollis. “Sorry,” Hollis breezes in. “Forgot my key again. What’s up with you? Did I interrupt? Sorry.” 

“No, it’s okay.” Lara Jean says, shutting the door resolutely. “I just thought you might be someone else.”

“Oh,” Hollis grins knowingly. “I bet I know who that might be.” 

“It’s apparently no secret.” 

“At least you’re catching onto that.” Hollis’ smile fades as she seems to notice how dejected Lara Jean is. “Hey what’s up? Sit?” She pats the spot on the couch next to her. 

Lara Jean sinks into the cushions and flips a pillow onto her face. “I’m so stupid.”

“No you’re not,” Hollis says. “But tell me, what happened?” 

“Well, it may not come as a surprise to you but I may be harboring certain non-platonic feelings for John-”

“Right,” Hollis confirms. 

Lara Jean huffs, feeling too readable. “Anyway, I was going to tell him today and see if we could maybe give things another try? Remember, in high school, we almost dated?”

“I remember. It made so much sense when you told me. I always thought he had a thing for you since the day I met him.” 

“That’s sweet. But I don’t think so, I think I lost the one chance I had. I was going to take another chance today and when I started leading into the moment, it just turned into a conversation about Peter and how John thought I was still into him.” 

“Oh no, John! Why?” Hollis winces on her behalf. “Couldn’t he just let you keep going?” 

“I know. It’s like I don’t know where I went wrong and I didn’t want to keep going because the moment felt tainted. It was so perfect, Hollis.” Lara Jean feels herself go dreamy-eyed. “We were sitting at my favorite spot on campus-”

“Naturally.” 

“We were both reading and it just felt like one of those scenes in the movie just before the big life-altering moment happens. Then it wasn’t.” Lara Jean grabs the pillow again. 

“Hey,” Hollis seems struck by an idea. “You, the eternal dreamer, always tell me that tomorrow is a brand new day full of hope and opportunity. What about tomorrow?’

“What about it?” Lara Jean says, not following. 

“Re-do today. Have your perfect moment. I’ll braid your hair in the morning, you’ll wear that pink sundress that makes you look like you stepped out of a summer ad for Cotton, and it’ll be perfect. Take two.” Hollis looks so captivated by this imagining, Lara Jean half expects her to paint herself in the picture. 

“I don’t know, Hollis. Margot always says I need to set realistic expectations so I don’t get disappointed.” Lara Jean is apprehensive, ignoring the wave of butterflies in her stomach. The idea of recreating today and telling John is somehow hard to let go of. 

“What are the chances it’ll go to plan?”

“Maybe non-existent. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that you two got the inevitable Peter conversation out of the way. Tell him how you feel and then you go from there. If you did miss your shot then that will really suck and I’ll be here to help you through it. But I don’t think you did and I think you have to know for certain.” Hollis smiles encouragingly. “What do you say?”

Lara Jean looks at her without replying and then nods. “Fine, but you’re also painting my nails.” 

“Deal.” Hollis smiles. “I’ll go grab the nail polish.”

Lara Jean’s book is open to page 102 and she’s leaning against the tree. She glances over at John who hasn’t seemed to notice. He looks impossibly cute in his olive green sweater and layered sand-colored button-down. She wants to reach and adjust his collar which is slightly out of place but she doesn’t. 

He notices her staring and looks up. “Yes?”

“Ask me what’s so captivating.” She instructs, seized by a wave of confidence. 

He laughs indulgently, his whole face lighting up before he humors her. “What’s so captivating?” 

“I have been thinking…” Lara Jean begins, fighting off a sudden wave of nerves. She ignores what feels like a flurry of caged birds being released in her chest. “About us.”

John’s face changes in an instant. In an unreadable way that drives Lara Jean insane and makes her question her next sentence very carefully. This time, she won’t be deterred.

“About us, I was hoping to make something unequivocally clear.” She pointedly uses the adjective he once used when conveying his feelings. She thinks he won’t remember but then he visibly swallows and then nods. 

“Okay…” He shuts his book and then turns to face her. “It seems like perhaps I should pay attention closely.” 

Nodding, she tentatively reaches out to place her hand over his which still rests on his closed paperback. 

He glances down at their joined hands but she forces herself to not follow his gaze. She’s determined to steadily keep her eyes on him. “I wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about what you said to me that day junior year. You said that one day it might be our time. And I’ve been feeling, for a while, or hoping I guess- that it might be true.” Lara Jean feels herself growing frantic. She hadn’t anticipated speaking for this long, she thought by now she would either be rejected or kissed by him. “So I suppose what I’m saying is that I have feelings for you and I was hoping that you might give me another chance.”

Time freezes during the moment that follows With the words out, her chest rises with the sensation of a weight being lifted. Yet she also feels the heaviness of her declaration and the gravity of the following seconds. Feeling the sudden urge to close her eyes and rewind time, she fights off a wave of embarrassment that she just sounded totally desperate. As she grants her eyes a reprieve by closing them, she feels a soft brush against her lips. 

There’s the unmistakable magic of John’s skin against hers as his fingertips graze her cheek gently. She lets relief course through her before letting her lips tangle in his tentatively.

 Pulling back reluctantly, she studies him desperate to confirm that was real. That hope remains. 

“Of course, Lara Jean.” He answers her question. He flips his hand so his palm rests in hers. A slow smile spreads across his face, threatening to morph into a blinding beam. “But are you sure? It’s different now. You’re my best friend and I think it would be even harder than it was before.” 

He doesn’t say, If it didn’t work out again. Or, If you messed up again. He doesn’t have to for her to know those words linger. His eyes dim with long-ago ache, he says. “You could tell me to forget this right now and I would try, even though I don’t want to. So we could still be friends.” 

Her heart pangs then with hurt on his behalf and the pain of regret. 

“I’m so sure.” She nods fervently. “I know I was so awful to you before and I wish I could go back and be better for you.  But I don’t think I was ready then to be the girl you deserved. But I am now. I promise I’ll try to be my best for you every day.” 

“You don’t have to try to be anything. You’ve always been everything to me.” John says, squeezing her hand. 

“Oh, I almost forgot. I brought something to prove that I mean it.” Lara Jean quickly flips to the back of her book to retrieve it. “Here, I am keeping my promises. You can have it back now. As a reminder of how I’ve always felt about you.” 

She passes him the aged love letter and this time no hesitations stop her from handing it over for good. His hand reluctantly pulls away from hers to grasp it. He flips it over disbelievingly. “I thought I would never see this again. You probably thought it was weird I wanted it back. But I’m telling you, without it… No one would ever believe that once upon a time, Lara Jean Song Covey loved me. Certainly not me.” 

“You’ll always have proof now.” Lara Jean says nervously, sliding closer. She sucks in a sharp breath, needing courage. “I loved you then, John Ambrose McClaren and I love you now.” 

His wide gaze makes her glad she said it and she impulsively kisses him. This time, she lets herself get lost in it. Her hand comes up to touch the dark curls on his head and to pull him closer. When they finally pull apart, his face is brighter than the sun. There are no more traces of heartache. “There was never a letter to say it but I’ve always loved you, even more.” 

She shakes her head disbelievingly. “Well, I think the proof to the contrary is in your hands so I’ll always win that battle.” 

“Maybe,” John shakes his head. “But I’ll always know the truth.”

“You know, I sort of thought I was in a Groundhog Day.” John says a while later. They’re the only ones on campus and soon the sun will set. “I thought today would be just like yesterday. Your book was even stuck on the same page.” 

Lara Jean nods in confirmation. “I needed a re-do.”

He laughs. “So you telling me this- this thing that’s made my life so rapidly better and happier, was dependent on the weather remaining nice enough for a day on this grass field, this very spot being open, and me saying yes to it all.” 

“Pretty much so.” Lara Jean nods. “It had to be perfect. Yesterday wasn’t so I needed a take two.”
 
John stares at her then in a way that makes her suddenly self-conscious. Sincerely, he says, “I’m so glad you tried again. I can’t believe I messed up the first take. I take it that is what happened?” 

“It wasn’t you. It was me too.” Lara Jean explains. “I can be a bit idealistic.”

John laughs then, a ray of sunshine hitting his shining eyes. “Really?”

Lara Jean nudges him playfully. “Fine, maybe more than a little.” 

John leans over and kisses her, seemingly on impulse. Their lips tangle like it’s the first time and an immeasurable amount of time passes before Lara Jean pulls away. “I still can’t believe it.” 

“Me neither.” He echoes, pressing a soft kiss against her lips. “Since it’s now acceptable, I would like to declare that I believe you are the most beautiful and intelligent girl, Lara Jean. Especially today. I like your hair.” 

He reaches up to touch her hair and Lara Jean glances down shyly. “Thank you. You are pretty cute yourself. I don’t know if you knew this but 3 of the girls in Baking Club asked me if you think they would go for them.” 

“I was never interested in other girls, only you. But I am curious, what did you tell them?” He asks. 

Lara Jean looks guilty. “I may have told a half-truth.” 

John looks at her quizically. “Go on.” 

“I sort of implied there was someone else off-campus. Then I also hinted you were emotionally unavailable.” 

“At least the last part was true,” John says, sinking back against the tree. 

“But now?” 

“I was always emotionally available to you Lara Jean. You should know that.” 

She smiles, full of joy. It’s then that she remembers her contingency plan and decides it’s still worth enacting. “Come on, I baked a peanut butter chocolate cake as a backup way to win you over.” 

“Yeah?” John smirks, “I should have played harder to get.” 

“Well lucky for you, I am generous. It may be my best cake yet. It even has a heart in the frosting.”

Their steps sync up as they walk back to her apartment. Lara Jean has to reach for his hand as a reminder that he’s hers now and she’s immediately grateful when his hand slips easily into hers.

It’s then, the first day of July, that she decides summer is her favorite season and all at once, fireworks slide into the spot in her heart that was once held by flowers.