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Kirk found McCoy's PADD about two weeks after Ruth broke up with him.
The night before, Kirk had stayed over, because he'd been staying at McCoy's place a lot after the breakup. McCoy didn't seem to mind. He'd even stay up talking until Kirk was too tired for his mind to keep him awake with the memory every dumb mistake he'd ever made replaying over and over and over. McCoy kept a blanket and a pillow on his couch so Kirk could be comfortable there. McCoy did extra chores around the dorm room to make up with his roommate for all the late night talks and sleepovers.
Kirk read the six rules three times. Every time, his eyes lingered on that last one.
Never tell your best friend that you're in love with him. Just be the best best friend you can be, because he needs you.
He carefully put the PADD back in the exact place he'd found it. His heart was beating hard and his stomach was twisting in knots.
"It's not about me," he muttered to himself. "'Not everything's about you, Jim.' That's what he'll say if I ask him. It's not about me."
But who was it about, then? Did he have another best friend? Maybe he had another best friend. He had to, because this wasn't about Kirk. Did he have another best friend who he'd slept with?
Before Kirk could keep traveling down that line of thought, McCoy came out of the bathroom, still pulling his shirt on. He spotted Kirk and paused, then raised an eyebrow.
"What?"
Kirk blinked. "What what?"
"You look like somebody just tap danced on your grave."
"No I don't. Hey, we're going to be late to class."
McCoy glanced at the clock, then back at Kirk. "We have half an hour. Since when do you care about being late?"
"We'll be late if we stop for breakfast first and then go to class, so. I'm hungry."
"I have food here."
"I don't want your food." Kirk stood up suddenly. "I want to, uh, go somewhere. I keep eating your food. I keep staying here. Maybe I shouldn't stay here so much."
"I told you you're always welcome here."
"Well, yeah, but--" Before Kirk could explain himself, McCoy grabbed a medical scanner from his bedside table and immediately started checking him with it. Kirk swatted at his hand. "Stop that!"
McCoy squinted at him in that way that made it seem like medicine was some kind of super power and he could read Kirk's mind by looking at the size of his pupils or something. Sometimes, Kirk was pretty sure he could. "Listen, when I went to take my shower, you were normal--as normal as you ever get. Then, I come back out and you're acting like this. Either you tell me what's going on, or I'm going to assume it's health related and take you straight to the clinic."
"I just..." Kirk swallowed thickly. He was a good liar--shitty stepfathers turn kids into good liars--he just didn't like to lie to McCoy.
But not liking it didn't stop him. "I was thinking I'll talk to Ruth today. It's been a couple weeks, maybe she--"
McCoy rolled his eyes. "Jim, come on. We talked about this."
"Well, let's go get some breakfast and you can talk me out of it, okay?"
McCoy heaved a sigh, but agreed, and Kirk spent the rest of the day thinking about those six rules.
About three days later, Kirk woke up next to a platinum blonde named Miya who he'd met the night before, and the first thing that popped into his mind was the fifth rule on that PADD.
Don't date someone just to make yourself feel better about being alone. It doesn't work.
She was the first girl he'd slept with since Ruth. Only yesterday, he'd been telling McCoy that if he made it to three weeks, it'd be a new record. Which wasn't exactly true, but he liked to inflate his numbers. It fit what people thought about him, and it wasn't so far from the truth that anybody could call him on it.
"Hey," he said, as soon as Miya started to wake up.
"Mmmm?"
"Do you know anybody I could set up my best friend with?"
She sniffed and peered at him. "Is he ugly or something?"
"Nope."
"Then why can't he get his own date?"
He looked at her, because he knew his eyes could be convincing. "Do you know anybody?"
Miya shrugged a shoulder. "I have a friend who hasn't had a date in a while. Maybe she'll take a risk..."
"Okay, good. Think you can get her to show up with you at Cosmo's about about eight tonight?"
"Probably."
"Thanks... I gotta go." He grinned. "See you there?"
"Maybe," she said, folding her arms behind her head, but he could tell that she meant yes.
On his way back to his dorm to shower, he sent a message to McCoy.
Let's go to Cosmo's tonight.
He smiled to himself. If he didn't tell McCoy he was setting him up on a date, maybe he'd meet this girl that Miya was bringing and figure out that rule was bullshit. Hooking up with someone else was the best way to move on from... whoever he was moving on from. He just needed convincing...
"I can't believe you did this," McCoy shouted before they were even out of the door of Cosmo's. "I mean, I can believe you did this, but I guess I hoped you wouldn't."
"What do you mean?" Kirk asked, jogging to keep up with McCoy. Why the hell was he walking so fast? "You can't believe I tried to do something nice because you've been nice to me the past few weeks?"
McCoy stopped short and turned on Kirk so fast Kirk almost ran into him. "I'm not looking to date anybody. I told you this."
"You don't have to date her. Just hook up with her. What's the problem? I thought she was cute."
"She was cute. It's not about her! That's not how I work, all right? Anyway, we're not all geniuses like you. I actually need to study now and then."
"Okay, first of all, you're the smartest person I know other than me." He paused a moment, considering that. "Maybe including me. Second, what do you mean you don't work like that? Who doesn't work like that? Work like what? Like wanting to spend time with a pretty girl?"
"No, like..." McCoy glanced around, seeming to suddenly realized that the street was crowded and they were both shouting. He lowered his voice. "Like sleeping with somebody I don't even know. 'Cause I'm guessing you already slept with that friend of hers, right? Didn't quite make it to three weeks?"
"Well, yeah." Kirk shrugged.
"So, she told her 'cute' friend that already, and her friend's probably thinking I'm planning to do the same kind of thing with her as you're doing."
"Well, why not? You can't tell me you've never taken home somebody you barely knew and just had some fun together. Tell me that's not what you need right now!"
McCoy pressed his lips together and his eyes were intense like he was about to yell again. But he didn't. He just turned away and kept walking.
Kirk sighed and hurried after him agian. "You're not answering because you know I'm right!"
"That's not why I'm not answering," he growled over his shoulder.
"Then why not? Sometimes doing something that's no strings attached is the perfect thing. I already feel better after spending the night with Miya."
McCoy stopped again, but this time he didn't turn to face Kirk. "You know what I did the first time I was with a woman?"
"Um... no?"
"I married her."
Kirk blinked. "Oh. But I mean since then..."
"You already know the whole story of 'since then.'"
"Oh." Kirk ran his fingers through his hair.
The fourth rule had been If your best friend falls in love with someone else, be happy for him.
"Bones..." he said. "I'm just trying to help you like you helped me after Ruth. You helped me a lot. I don't think I would've been okay if you hadn't helped me."
McCoy raised an eyebrow at him. "What makes you think I need help? I'm good."
Kirk looked at him, because he knew his eyes could be convincing. "You sure?"
"I'm sure," McCoy said, without missing a beat.
"Okay..." Kirk frowned. "Wow. Just one woman, huh?"
"Here we go." McCoy started walking again.
"No, I'm just saying. Wow, just one."
"See, this is why I didn't tell you."
"Wow," Kirk said, laughing, but his stomach was twisting in knots again.
When Kirk didn't want to think about something, he put it out of his mind for a while. So, it was years before he thought about those rules again.
In fact, he was sitting on the Enterprise, while McCoy and Carol Marcus were on an away mission to open the warhead of a live torpedo, and something reminded him of that third rule.
Don't get jealous, you damned idiot.
At first, he couldn't remember where he'd read that, and he forgot it again when the torpedo armed itself and nearly killed his best friend.
It came back to him a few months later, while they were grounded, and the Enterprise was being repaired, and Carol Marcus was in his bed. It wasn't like it had been with Ruth. He wasn't fooling himself into believing this could work out. Both he and Carol were still grieving the people they'd lost. They were both holding onto each other, because they were afraid that if they didn't, they'd drift away.
He was half asleep with her head on his shoulder when he remembered the rules, and he jolted up as if he'd woken up from a dream where he was falling. She murmured something and turned away from him to go back to sleep.
He got dressed, went to the gym, wandered around San Fransico for a while. McCoy had told him to expect a lot of weakness and aches and pains as he recovered, but he was physically fine. He didn't want to think about why.
Yeah, he was physically fine. It was just that he remembered dying, and he remembered being okay with that.
He found himself outside the door where McCoy was staying. They had him working at the medical center here while they were waiting for the repairs to be finished, and he had an apartment on site. Kirk hit the door chime, hoping he wasn't on shift.
After two more chimes, McCoy answered the door. His hair was a mess, and he was wearing a gray t-shirt and loose sweatpants. "Some'm wrong?"
Asking if something was wrong was how McCoy had been greeting him ever since he'd... Well, since he died, so maybe it was understandable. "Did you pull a night shift or something?"
"Day and night, actually. You wanna come in?"
"It's not important. You should probably sleep."
"Well, I'm awake now. Get yer ass in here."
No arguing with that. Kirk found a spot on the couch, just like back at McCoy's dorm, just without the pillow and blanket left out for him. That day he'd found the PADD was the last time he'd stayed on that couch.
"I'm kind of with Carol, now," he said. It wasn't what he'd been planning on saying, but he said it.
McCoy sat on the couch next to him and crossed his arms, pressing back into the couch cushion? "Oh really? Couldn't 've seen that coming," he said flatly.
"It's probably not a good idea, right?"
McCoy sniffed, then looked at him. "What do you want me to say?"
Kirk furrowed his brow. What was the answer to that question? He wasn't sure, but he ended up saying, "The truth."
"Well..." McCoy said, "You've both been through a hell of a lot, and you're not into the whole commitment thing at the best of times... You want to be committed to her or is this one of your 'no strings' situations?"
"I dunno," he said.
"Maybe you should figure it out. Then, maybe you should talk to her about it instead of just me."
"What would I say?"
"That you want it to be serious or you don't want it to be serious. I bet if you're not sure, she's not either, and that's a recipe for one of you getting hurt."
"Yeah, probably..." Kirk chewed on the inside of his lip, then he said, "Is it still just your wife?"
McCoy looked at him incredulously. "What?"
"The women you've... y'know." He gestured, not sure why he didn't want to say the words. "Is it still just Joclyn?"
McCoy laughed, shaking his head. "No."
"What?" Kirk sat up. "What do you mean? Who is she?"
"It's been a few years since then. You really thought I still hadn't--"
"Do I know her?"
"No, I don't think so. She works here. Her name's Nancy."
"Nancy..." Kirk repeated. "She works here? So... this is a recent thing? So, you really did wait for years?"
"Why're you so interested in my love life?"
"You love her?"
McCoy was quiet for a long moment, then he let out a breath. "Shit, Jim. I am too tired for this conversation."
"Sounds like a yes to me."
"Weren't we talking about you, not me?"
"Nah. Not anymore. You should just sleep."
"M'not that tired." McCoy said. His head was resting back on the couch now.
“Sure your not, Bones,” Kirk said, patting McCoy’s knee.
McCoy grinned sleepily and slid further down against the couch cushion. “She calls me Plum,” he murmured.
“Plum?” Kirk chucked, but there wasn’t any happiness behind it. “Can I ask you something while you’re still awake?”
“Uh huh.”
“Am I your best friend?”
McCoy opened one eye, then he shook his head and turned on his side away from him. “Shut up. You know you are.”
Kirk watched McCoy until his breath started to come slow and deep.
“Yeah,” he said. “I guess I do.”
"I need a drink," Kirk said, immediately upon entering McCoy's quarters.
They'd been back on the Enterprise for a month. He and McCoy had started this unofficial weekly thing, spending time in one or the other's quarters after a shift to unload their problems away from the crew.
Everyone else saw Kirk as a captain, but McCoy still saw him as his pain in the ass friend he had to look after. It was nice.
"Oh, let me guess why," McCoy said, already heading for his stock of bourbon. "Spock called something fascinating. Always makes me want a drink."
"No," Kirk said, sitting at the bar. Then, "Actually, yeah. He did. But that's not why I need a drink."
"Let's call it my reason, then," McCoy said in a conspiratorial whisper. He slid a full glass to Kirk and started filling his own. "What's yours? And don't say Ca--"
"It's Carol."
McCoy sighed and took a swig of his drink. "What now?"
"Nothing, I don't know. She hates it here. She wants to transfer back to Earth. I asked her to give it time, but she's not even sure she wants to stay in Starfleet."
"You two have been together for almost a year now..."
"Are you going to say that's my limit? A year?"
McCoy raised an eyebrow. "Actually, I wasn't going to say that. Were you?"
"What were you going to say, then?"
"Well, if you wouldn't interrupt me!" McCoy blew out a breath and sat with Kirk. "Look, you've been with her for a while, through some pretty big stuff, so... the way I see it, if you really want to be with her, you'll find a way to make it work. Maybe that won't be with her here on the Enterprise..."
Kirk frowned down at his drink. "I don't know if I can do the long distance thing. How are you making it work with Nancy?"
McCoy was quiet for a long moment, then grabbed the bottle and refilled his glass. "I'm not."
"What?" Kirk turned in his chair and pushed McCoy's arm so he'd look at him. "Are you two arguing?"
"We'd have to be talking to argue." McCoy looked at him, and Kirk could see a sadness there that he hadn't noticed before. How long had it been there? "I know I can't give her what she wants. A stable life... A family? Used to be what I wanted too, but not while I'm out here. I can't ask her to wait five years when I'm not even sure..." He rubbed his forehead, frustrated. "I'm not sure about some stuff."
"When did this happen? I thought you guys were good."
McCoy shrugged a shoulder and turned back to his drink. "We'd been talking about it while they were finishing up fixing this," he gestured vaguely around them at the Enterprise. "The last night I was with her, she said I could just ask to stay at the medical center, since I don't even like space, and I said I couldn't. She said she'd wait, and I told her no. That was pretty much the end of it."
"Why didn't you stay?" Kirk asked.
There was a strange glint in McCoy's eyes, and he said, "Jim, you already found a way to die out here once. I'm not letting you do it again."
Kirk was quiet for a moment, then he finished his drink, just for something to do with his hands. "Y'know, Bones, sometimes I think meeting me ruined your life."
"Are you kidding me?" McCoy said with a little laugh. "Do you remember what I was like when you met me? I was only living because I was too damn scared to die. Meeting you..." He cleared his throat and stared intently at something on the wall behind the bar. "I'd never forgive myself if I let you go somewhere I couldn't keep an eye on you. You're the only James T. Kirk in the universe. And you're my friend. I'd choose that over anybody or anything."
Kirk thought about that second rule. He thought about taking McCoy back to his dorm that night. He thought about telling him it didn't count if they never kissed.
Don't regret it, don't think about it too much, and don't get your hopes up.
"I think I need to let Carol go," Kirk said, softly.
McCoy smiled ruefully. "You could always stay over on my couch, if you want. I can leave a pillow out."
Maybe it was a joke, but the thought of lying awake all night talking like they used to brought up an emotion that Kirk didn't really know how to deal with, so he didn't. "Thanks for the offer, but I think I should probably get back to my quarters and figure out how I'm going to talk to her."
Kirk stood, but before he could leave, McCoy called after him, "Hey."
Kirk turned his head. "Yeah?"
"Don't bottle it up. You need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here."
"I know you are," Kirk said.
It'd been a few months since Carol had gotten her transfer off the Enterprise. He was in McCoy's quarters, and he was waiting for McCoy to get back with the Saurian Brandy he apparently had stashed somewhere in sickbay.
It wasn't like he was snooping, exactly. He was looking for something to eat before he started drinking, so he was going through drawers in the kitchenette. One of the drawers he opened didn't have any food at all, but an assortment of random items including an old PADD with a cracked screen.
He took it out and sat down. Then he powered it on and read the rules again. He'd memorized them the first time he read them, but looking at them now, he found himself smiling.
Don't fall in love with your best friend, but if you do, don't sleep with him.
Kirk didn't really give himself time to think about it when he wrote his new rule at the bottom. Didn't give himself time to think about it before McCoy came back and they traded a few words. Didn't give himself time to think about it before he handed off the PADD to McCoy.
Forget all those other rules and visit your best friend's quarters after your shift tomorrow. We'll make a new set of rules.
Then, he went back to his quarters and thought about it nonstop for a little over twenty-four until, finally, McCoy showed up at his door.
He was in civvies, a dark blue sweater and gray slacks, and he looked about as nervous as Kirk had ever seen him.
"Look," he said, as he walked in. He immediately started pacing. "I don't know what you're planning on, but I don't think it's a good idea."
"How do you know whether or not it's a good idea if you don't know what I'm planning?"
"Because!"
Kirk grabbed his arm to stop him and look directly at him. He smiled. "You smell good. Did you put on cologne for me?"
McCoy was caught. He cleared his throat. "Maybe."
"You put on cologne to tell me this is a bad idea."
"No... I decided it was a bad idea after that."
"When?"
"In the corridor a few seconds ago."
"Want to tell me why?" Kirk asked.
"You and me are different people. Real different. When I wrote those rules it was because... Well, because I already had feelings for you. And then we fooled around once, and I thought about it all the time for years, and you didn't think about it at all."
Kirk's heart dropped, but outwardly, he just shrugged. "That's not entirely true."
McCoy scoffed and shook his head. "Bullshit. You sleep with beautiful women just about whenever you want. We jerked each other off in your bed one time. Why in the hell would you think about that?"
"Because," Kirk stook up straighter. "Yesterday wasn't the first time I saw that PADD."
"What?" McCoy said, staring at him.
"I found it a little while after Ruth broke up with me."
The way McCoy was looking at him, Kirk could tell that he was on the verge of anger. "And you didn't tell me?"
"Just hear me out, okay?"
"Hear you out?" McCoy was raising his voice. "You read that--which was private, by the way--and you knew this whole time, and you didn't say anything?"
"I didn't want to think it was about me."
McCoy flinched back. "Who the hell else would it be about?"
"I don't know! I don't know. I didn't want to think it was about me, because if it was... You know me better than anybody. You know how I am with committment. A you told me yourself that you don't do anything 'no strings attached.' And I knew if I admitted to myself that it was about me, and we got together, all I'd do is hurt you and mess up our friendship."
"And what changed now?" McCoy's voice was tight--emotional in a way Kirk wasn't used to hearing. "You got desperate? Not enough women out here?"
"No! I figured some shit out since then." He took a deep breath and tried to get his thoughts together. "Because... I haven't had a lot of constants in my life. People come and go. They like me for a while, because I'm exciting. But if I let anybody know me too well, they get sick of me. Things are starting to change with this ship and this crew, but..." Kirk swallowed hard. "You were my constant before all this. You keep seeing good things in me when I don't. So I just need you to see something good in me right now."
McCoy breathed out something that could've been a laugh or a sob. "If we do this," he said quietly, "there's gotta be strings this time. I should've said that before we did it the first time, but I'm saying it now. It's got to count this time."
"Well... the way I see it, it only counts if there's kissing." He looked at McCoy intently. "So why don't you make it count?"
Neither of them moved or spoke for so long, Kirk was starting to think nothing would happen. They'd just go back to how it was, keeping everything under the surface.
But then, McCoy kissed him.
It was careful, at first. Soft and uncertain. But Kirk pulled McCoy closer by the front of his sweater, and then the kiss turned urgent, like he could make up for all those years at once. McCoy cupped Kirk's face with his hands, his smooth, soft fingertips sliding up along Kirk's jaw.
McCoy's hands were still holding him when they broke the kiss. His eyes were dark and searching and his eyebrows pushed up in the middle, crinkling his forehead. The way he was looking at him made Kirk's heart do flips in his chest.
"Still think you shouldn't fall in love with your best friend?" Kirk asked, breathlessly.
"Oh, absolutely." McCoy said, managing a smirk. "But I've never been any good at following rules."
Kirk laughed and pulled him toward the bedroom.
The next time Kirk found McCoy's PADD, it was laying on his bedroom desk next to various other, more official PADDs with medical reports and logs. Absent-mindedly he powered it on.
There are no rules. Just do your best and try to be happy.
And James T. Kirk, stop being so goddamn nosy.
Kirk grinned and typed "no" before he powered it off and joined McCoy in the shower.