Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Alright gang, who are we meeting today?” Allison asks from behind the driver’s seat, most likely chosen because Andrew can’t poke her there.

Nicky, in the less safe passenger’s seat, gets the iPad out and shrieks excitedly, shattering Andrew’s eardrums in the process. “Aahh, he’s our age! And he’s cuuuuute !”

“Ooh, show me!”

“Look at the freckles!”

“Oh look, we’re here.” Andrew deadpans. He wishes they would hurry up with the scripted intro. Also, he won’t admit it to anyone but he hates how everyone else gets to see their little project before meeting them, yet he has to be surprised. But fuck if he is ever going to let anybody else drive this car. Their producers had allowed Andrew to pick a car himself, and they only denied him twice (once because there weren’t five seats, once because it was a Maserati ).

“What, already?” Nicky yells before noticing Andrew’s sarcasm. “Oh. Hilarious, ‘Drew.”

“ Don’t call me that.”

“Let’s just all calm down.” Renee smiles serenely into one of the five cameras located in the car. 

“Continue reading, Nicky,” Erik adds, from where he’s squished in the middle seat. Andrew has no idea why Erik gets the short end of the stick every time, he’s the tallest and buffest of them all.

Nicky blushes and clears his throat after looking in the rearview mirror. Okay yeah, that would explain it. “Okay. This week we’ll be tackling Neil Josten. He’s twenty-three years young, a 5’3 package of lean hunk and he was nominated by his close friends and neighbors Dan and Matt.”

Andrew squints at the pretty standard description. “What’s the catch?”

“Dan and Matt say Neil has lived across from them for over two years now, but Neil’s place still looks like he just moved in. According to them, he doesn’t take good care of himself and they’ve even started making him meals in Tupperware so he’ll eat more regularly. He runs most mornings and nights so he definitely keeps fit, but he doesn’t socialize. An incident a few years ago left him literally scarred and ever since then he started avoiding people.”

“Aww, poor thing,” Erik says. Nicky joins in with a pout.

“Why do I feel like we’re all going to cry this week?” Allison says. “Well, minus Andrew over there.”

“Yeah right, we cry every week—”

“You’re the worst out of all of us, Hemmick!”

“I’m not denying that! But how can I help it when Erik’s big strong man muscles are there to comfort me,” Nicky grins. Subtle .

Erik pretends to swoon. Well, as much as he can when he’s squished into the backseat of a far too small car. “But who will I cry on?”

“You mean ‘cry to’?”

“No, no. On top of.”

Jesus, Andrew can see the moment Nicky starts visualizing that comment.

“God, fuck already.” Allison expresses exactly what Andrew’s been thinking for the last two seasons.

Renee tuts.

“You’re one to talk,” Andrew says, giving Allison the side-eye in the rearview mirror until she flips him off, ensuring his comment won’t make it to air. “You gotta say our cheesy mission line, Nick.”

“Oh, right.” Nicky’s lucky the majority of the viewers actually loves the extreme unresolved sexual tension that’s present in this car, because he’s not fucking subtle. In fact, on one of his more desperate nights, drunk out of his skull, Nicky admitted to Andrew he had looked up fanfiction of himself and Erik. “Our mission is to show Neil that ‘beauty comes from the inside’. Let’s take him from drab to fab !”

“Obligatory squeal,” Andrew mutters before the other Fab Four scream into his ears. “Let’s see what you’ve got, Neil Josten.”

“I’m sorry, you did what?”

Matt gives a nervous smile as Dan repeats herself. “We signed you up for ‘Queer Eye’.”

“Okay… And what’s that?” Neil asks. Based on how nervous his best —and frankly only — friends look, it can’t be something good.

“Jesus, how do you not— Actually, now that I think about it, it makes sense that you don’t know about it.” Matt grabs his laptop and quickly looks up a video to show Neil.

When the video announces ‘and in charge of fashion’ over a clip of a short, blond man stepping out of the car, ‘ Andrew Minyard ’, Neil jumps off the sofa and says, “Fuck.”

Dan grins at him knowingly. “You like him?”

Neil shakes his head. “I know him.”

The hopeful smile disappears from Matt’s face as he watches Neil’s crumple. “Like, you’ve seen him around town…?”

“More like, I used to almost date him?”

“How do you almost date someone for a while?” Dan asks.

Neil sighs and runs his hand through his hair. It needs a serious trim, but his hair clippers broke last time he tried to tame his mane. He hasn’t gotten a replacement yet. 

He tries to explain himself in the vaguest way he can because even if he hasn’t seen Andrew for a few years, he never wants to break his trust. “We were both in a really bad place, theoretically and physically, and we didn’t have time for labels or anything, okay? We hung out a lot, crashed in the same houses, made out a little, you know how it goes.”

“I really, really don’t.”

Neil doesn’t want to share too much about his past, even if this situation sort of calls for it. According to Dan and Matt, the Fab Five are coming today. Andrew is coming today.

“Well, that’s all you’re getting from me,” Neil says. Anything else is between him and Andrew.

“So wait,” Matt says. “You used to make out with this TV icon and now he’s coming to your place.”

“Thanks, I know , Matt! And you’re the one bringing him here!”

Dan winces, noticing Neil’s hurt tone. “Neil, babe, you need help and you weren’t accepting it from us.”

“So you push me into a corner? How did you think that would make me feel?” Neil can’t afford to be panicking right now, he needs to be able to face what’s bound to be a car crash of a day with confidence.

“Neil.” Matt holds him in place, making Neil realize his body had subconsciously decided running away would be a great idea. “We’re really sorry, trust me, we are. Obviously we didn’t know your history. But… I really think it will be good for you. Maybe it’ll be good to see him? Or maybe… Maybe he won’t even remember you, who knows?”

Neil pulls a face. That would hurt his ego a little bit. It’s only been about five years since he last saw Andrew, and that includes three names and two different hair colors before the FBI caught up with him and turned his life around.

“Or maybe,” Matt starts grinning again. “Maybe he’ll be so happy to see you, he’ll jump into your arms and all will be forgiven.”

“Honestly babe, it’s like you’ve never even seen the show.”

“Oh yeah… Sorry, I forgot who we were talking about.”

“So…” Neil hesitates before asking, “What’s he like these days?”

Matt and Dan turn their heads to look at each other at an alarming speed and frankly, Neil is shocked they both didn’t sprain anything.

“You’ll see.”

Neil’s apartment is roomy and not technically in budget for a millennial, but with five camera operators, a production crew and Dan and Matt giggling next to him, Neil has never felt so claustrophobic in his life. 

The production crew and cameras arrived half an hour ago, taking in the place and deciding where they were gonna take their shots. Some went around to shoot some B-roll, and one person asked if Neil was willing to move his couch. It was one of only two furniture items in the room, so Neil just shrugged.

And now here they are, waiting for the Fab Five to arrive. When there’s a knock on the door, Neil freezes. Roughly a dozen eyes are trained on him, and Neil can’t seem to move. His eyes shift to his living room window, a handy escape route. That bastard put the couch in front of it.

“Neil?” Dan stage-whispers.

“You go,” he hisses.

Dan and Matt put their game-faces on and open the door with bright smiles. A lot of commotion follows as five more people (plus another camera operator ) enter his space. 

Neil fakes a smile at the newcomers and is immediately enveloped by a tight hug.

“Hi, I’m Nicky!”

A handshake from a big, beefy blond who introduces himself as Erik, followed by two more hugs. Why so many hugs . “I’m Allison, that’s Renee.”

And when Allison and Renee step aside —joining the camera crew in setting everything up so they can continue shooting— Neil sees him.

Andrew Minyard stares at him from just over the threshold. 

“Andrew,” Neil breathes out.

“Abram.”

Chapter Text

Different Fabs take him to different places in his apartment, and Neil barely has time to process anything that’s happening. Allison walks into the bathroom, opens a cabinet to find it completely empty and just tuts at him.

“Neil,” she starts.

Neil can hardly focus on anything besides the camera over his shoulder and the one over Allison’s pointed right at him. “Yes?”

“Are you ready to become a new man?”

Neil hesitates. “Is this the point where I enthusiastically agree?”

“Yep.”

“Then yes.”

“You need to work on your poker face.”

Oh, you have no idea, lady.

After Allison releases him with a last disappointed look into his bathroom, Nicky takes him over to the kitchen.

“Okay, cute stuff. Show me what you’ve got going on.”

Neil is confused.

“In the kitchen,” Nicky adds with a grin. “What can you do in the kitchen?”

“Oh,” Neil says, trying his hardest to ignore the cameras. He needs to get used to this fast, considering they’ll be here all week. Nobody is out to get you, Neil. Nobody is looking for you. “I can cook ramen.”

“ Be careful, children, that’s a lot of sodium .”

“What?”

“Like the Vine ? Oh, you poor thing.”

As Nicky takes a look in his empty fridge, Neil tries to look around for Andrew. There are about five people in his way, a few of them carrying heavy cameras, and before he knows it Nicky is demanding his attention again.

Neil figures it won’t hurt to just ask. They can edit this all out anyway.

“Where’s Andrew?”

Nicky pulls a face. “He’s around here somewhere. He likes to take a look on his own first. Don’t be surprised if he’s in your closet. Ha!” Nicky laughs heartily. “Why do you ask? Wait! Is he your favorite? You can tell me, it’s okay. I promise you’ll only hurt my feelings a little bit.”

“No, I- uh…”

“Nicky, Schatz , stop hogging Neil.” A warm, accented voice interrupts them, and Nicky starts blushing immediately.

“Hi, Erik! I wasn’t! I mean, I’m not. I mean I’m all yours. No! He’s all yours! Haha!”

Nicky looks like he’s going to say more, so Neil decides to step in. For everybody’s sake.

“Thanks, Nicky. We’ll talk later, okay?”

“Yep. Sure. Will do. Can’t wait. I mean I can. I will. Obviously. I’m not gonna come steal you away.”

Neil faces away from Erik and mouths at Nicky, “Chill.”

Nicky looks towards the bedroom where absolutely no one has called his name. “Yes, I’m coming!” He runs off.

Neil turns to see what the damage is, but Erik is looking at Nicky with a warm smile on his face. That’s interesting .

“Nicky’s a sweetheart,” Erik explains with a smile when he notices Neil watching him. “Und hast du schon mal seinen Arsch gesehen?”

Neil schools his face and wonders when a good time would be to tell Erik he can understand German. Not right now, obviously. He doesn’t want to give it away too soon. He smiles at Erik, and that seems to make him focus.

“ Na , Neil. Your place is a mess, yes?”

Neil nods before he realizes it. “Wait, I don’t- It’s not that bad.”

“Where is the furniture?”

Neil helpfully points around them, to the sofa and the dining table. He would point at something else, but...he’s run out of options.

Erik smiles again and manages to make it look like he isn’t pitying him. “Let’s fix that, hm?”

After a pat on the shoulder from Erik, Neil turns and is faced with Renee Walker.

“Hello, Neil.”

Neil clears his throat. “Hi.”

“Are you scared?” Renee asks, face completely unreadable.

What? Neil’s pretty sure one of the cameras is zooming in.

“Is it the cameras?” From one moment to the next, her face changes, and Neil feels like he just fell out of a trance. “I promise you’ll get used to them! The first day we shot the show, I always felt like looking over my shoulder. Allison loves it, though, and she taught me how to get over it. Maybe ask her for some tips?”

“Uh… Alright.”

Renee smiles serenely at him. “You’re very interesting.”

“You’re very...cryptic,” Neil says.

“Yes. I get that a lot,” Renee says, looking over his shoulder with a smile on her face. Neil turns around to see what she’s looking at, but there’s nothing there. Cryptic . “I’ll go ask Allison to think of some tips for you.”

When she walks away, and the camera people take a break, Neil realizes he’s finally not being looked at by anyone. They’ve only been here an hour, and Neil is exhausted. How the hell is he gonna get through a whole week of this?

After some minor panicking in the middle of his apartment full of people, Neil decides it’s better to just get it over with. He walks into his bedroom and makes his way over to the man checking out his closet.

It’s a few quiet seconds where Neil can look at the man Andrew has become in the years they’ve spent apart. He looks good, healthy. His ears are adorned with an array of piercings, and his nails are painted black. The piercings are new, but even when they were teenagers Andrew was adamant on the painted nails. He may have convinced Neil to join him or one or two occasions.

“I don’t like surprises,” Andrew says, voice void of emotion.

“I know,” Neil says. “I only found out about this today.”

Andrew ruffles through Neil’s sparse closet, takes out some old shirts and throws them on the floor. 

“I didn’t do this, ‘Drew.”

Andrew breathes in deep and sighs. “I know.”

Neil doesn’t know what to say after that. It feels like nothing would be enough.

“I’m sorry.” They both know he doesn’t mean him being on the show.

“Yeah, well…” Andrew says and turns, finally looking Neil in the eyes. He pauses whatever he was about to say and stares at him. Neil can feel him looking at the scars, starting on his cheeks, and moving down his body, resting on the lowest cut mark above his ankle. “I’m sure you had a reason.”

“I can tell you about it.” 

“You don’t owe me anything, Neil .” Andrew walks out the door.

Neil stays in his room for a few minutes, enjoying the peace and quiet until one of the production crew comes and fetches him for the ‘couch talk portion’.

When everyone is situated —some on the floor, Andrew leaning up against a wall— they briefly discuss what’s about to happen this week. When asked if he has a specific goal in mind, Neil looks to Andrew.

The empty glare shakes Neil to his core, and he looks away. “Not really, no. I’m nothing special.” 

Neil can’t describe what Andrew’s face is doing, but the other Fab Four seem upset with that statement. 

“Oh honey, you have no idea how wrong you are,” Nicky says.

When the producer realizes a shrug is the final thing he’ll get out of Neil today, he tells the camera crew their day is done.

As soon as the cameras turn off, Andrew bolts out of Neil’s apartment without a word. After the crew has left as well, Neil realizes he isn’t alone just yet.

Nicky, Erik, Renee, and Allison are waiting for him in his sparse living room.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Renee says, “But we usually stick around when the cameras are off too, to get a real feel of who you are and what we can do for you.”

“Also, don’t mind Andrew,” Nicky adds. “He’s always like this, don’t take it to heart.”

“It’s fine,” Neil lies. 

Blessedly, before the situation can become even more awkward, Dan and Matt walk in with two bottles of wine.

“Oh fuck yes,” Allison says, before heading to the kitchen. “Hey short stuff, where do you keep your glasses?”

Neil winces when she finds a singular glass in his otherwise empty cupboards.

Dan clears her throat. “I’ll go get some at ours.”

Nicky and Erik are talking quietly on the couch, Renee has joined Allison in the kitchen and Matt has come to give Neil a hug.

“You doing okay, bud?”

Neil pulls up his most convincing fake smile. After two years of friendship, Matt knows him better, though.

“It’ll be okay. You know we’re here for you, while also hoping you’ll ignore how it’s technically our fault.”

“I know, Matt,” Neil says, adding a non-fake smile for good measure. “I’ll be fine.”

Chapter Text

“Neil Josten,” the man in front of his apartment complex says, and the whisper of panic Neil felt disappears when he spots the cameraman with him. That, and the fact that he recognizes it’s Erik.

Neil ends his jog and rests his hands on his knees for a little bit. “Morning, Erik.”

They wait a while for Neil to catch his breath and do some light stretching before making their way over to his apartment.

“Okay, I need you to pack a bag for the rest of the week, because you won’t be allowed back in here until Saturday. Don’t worry, you’re staying at a hotel. The same hotel we’re all staying in actually!” Erik says it with a smile, but Neil’s chest hurts knowing he’ll probably run into Andrew.

Which is silly, because he’ll definitely run into Andrew while filming this show.

Once he’s got a duffle with essentials ready, Erik shoves him in the car and starts driving.

Despite Erik practically being a stranger, the car ride isn’t as awkward or anxiety-inducing as Neil would have guessed. The radio is playing some random pop songs and Erik is humming along softly.

“Is this better?”

“Hmm?” Neil asks.

“The camera’s in the car, instead of all the people.” Erik smiles knowingly. “You wouldn’t be the first person to be overwhelmed when we barge in. Honestly, it’d be weird if you weren’t freaked out a little bit.”

“Definitely freaked out,” Neil laughs.

“Well, don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of time without cameras involved. And the first day is always the busiest, but from now on there should be around one to two people with you each day, other than me or one of my lovely companions, of course.”

That’s a relief. It’s not like Neil hates people, but it’s not like he likes them either.

“Let’s talk about your apartment, though. Normally I can sort of see what kind of style people like, an aesthetic. Your place is literally empty.”

Neil scoffs. “It’s not empty . I do live there.”

“Living is not the same as surviving, honey. I don’t think you’re living there.”

That shuts Neil up, real fast.

“I’m sorry. That was out of line.” Erik has his eyes on the road but looks apologetic. “I’ve been accused of being a little too blunt.”

“It’s fine.” Neil swallows, making his dry throat click.

Erik smiles ruefully. “I would blame it on being German, but I think it’s just me being an ass.”

Neil chuckles and just like that, the weird energy is gone again.

“Okay, so we’re going to an undisclosed furniture store because we are not sponsored—” Erik mouths ‘Ikea’ at Neil. “And while we’re there I just want you to point out everything you see that you think is pretty. You don’t need to want it in your place, but I just want to get a feel for your style, your vibe, see what you like.”

After walking around Ikea for what seems like hours, they end up at the bed section.

“Now Neil. I still have a bone to pick with you. I almost had a heart attack when I stepped into your bedroom and saw… a single bed.”

Neil blinks. And nods. He thinks he should nod. He’s not really sure what the problem is here.

Erik seems to think otherwise, as his eyes grow wider. “Darling, you are not twelve!”

“I’m the only one that needs to sleep in it?”

“Well sure, hon, with that attitude, nobody else would ever join you.”

“Okay?” Neil shrugs.

“Did you never date?”

Neil shakes his head.

“Hook up?”

“Nope.”

“That’s adorable.”

“Thanks,” Neil grimaces.

Erik envelops him into a side hug, and it’s the most comfortable thing Neil has ever felt if he’s honest. “Let’s get you a grown-up bed.”

“So,” Erik starts, putting down his mug for the third time, since the camera guy insisted it wasn’t the right shot. “I want to find out why you didn’t have any furniture in your place.”

Neil, who’s been nursing a glass of water for the past twenty minutes, just shrugs.

“I didn’t expect you to just tell me,” Erik laughs. “But I mean it, it can’t just be laziness or being forgetful. How long have you lived there?”

“Two years,” Neil answers, his guard up slightly.

“Does it feel like home?”

“Hm? How would I know that?” Neil’s genuinely wondering that.

“Well, do you feel safe there?”

“I-” Neil starts. Does he? For the longest time, he didn’t feel safe anywhere, but he was safe in the knowledge that everywhere was temporary. If something went wrong he could just move on. “Sort of,” he settles for.

Erik nods, urging him to continue.

“I can’t really say how long I’m going to stay there, so why would I bother to invest in stuff I can’t take with me when I leave.”

Erik tilts his head and just looks at Neil for a few seconds, and Neil knows he’s given something away. He’s just waiting for Erik to ask him why he can’t take stuff with him, and he’s becoming very aware of the camera pointed at them.

“Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘ Here for a good time, not for a long time ’?” Erik asks, confusing Neil. “It’s usually used in a more morbid sense, I think, but I figure it applies here. Try and think of it like that; you may not be somewhere for long, but that doesn’t mean you have to live like you crashed the place.”

Neil gets it, he thinks. “You want things to look pretty.”

Erik snorts. “That’s a basic slogan of the show, yes. But it’s not just that. I want things to be functional, useful for you, even if you decide to go somewhere else. You can’t tell me your life is easy now.”

Neil chuckles at the thought of his life being easy. In comparison to how it used to be, this is easier, though, he supposes.

Erik continues, “Well, I’m going to try and show you it can be easier, anyways. If you hate it, then you hate it. You can throw everything out, or move, or disappear off the face of the earth, but you won’t get me to leave you with a single bed.”

“You really can’t stand that, huh.”

“I hate it so much , Neil. I’ve done over twenty episodes of this show and that’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen.”

Neil shrugs. “It’s just a place to sleep?”

“For you, maybe,” Erik says with a wink. “Seriously, though. Even if sex isn’t your thing, there’s nothing quite like laying fully spread out on your bed like a starfish, trust me .”

Neil looks at the giant man in front of him. “What size bed do you have that you can do that?”

Erik laughs and blushes, “I may or may not have a custom-sized bed, don’t tell anyone.”

“Especially Nicky, right?” It’s out before Neil knows it. By the shocked look on Erik’s face, Neil figures he might be in trouble. But then, Erik starts blushing more .

“Oh god, even you can tell?”

“I’m sorry, were you being subtle?”

“I’ve been here a day!”

“And you told me in front of everyone how much you loved his ass.”

Erik chokes on his own spit. “You speak German?”

“Yeah,” Neil easily admits. “Does Nicky?”

Erik’s eyes look like they’re about to pop. “Oh fuck, I hope not.”

“Well, why not?”

That stops Erik’s mental breakdown. “Huh?”

“Why can’t he know what you think about him? Or his ass?”

While Erik’s processing that, Neil adds, “Jesus, I thought you guys were meant to be the ones with their lives in order.”

Chapter Text

Neil’s been in his hotel room for the last hour, after a semi-forced dinner with the Fab Five minus Andrew. He knows they’re only hanging out with him to make him more comfortable, or to analyze what they can do for the show, but he appreciates the company regardless. They’re a fun bunch of people, and he can see why their chemistry makes for good television.

There’s only so much social interaction he can take before feeling like running away, which is why he went to his room in the first place. But now he’s just lying here (spread out on a queen-sized bed), bored out of his mind.

He pulls on some sneakers and makes his way downstairs to see if he can find the gym when he spots a familiar blond head sitting at the bar. It only takes a few seconds of Neil standing and staring for Andrew to notice him there.

It doesn’t look like he’s angry, or like he’s going to leave, so Neil takes a chance and walks up to him.

“Hey.”

Andrew nods before taking a sip of his drink, looking down at the bar. Neil joins him and orders a soda, not making eye contact either. He’s still not sure if this was a good idea, but he’s committed to it now.

“So,” Neil says when his drink’s half-finished. “How did you end up being a celebrity? I always figured you hated attention.”

“I do,” Andrew says, and Neil’s just happy he’s not the only one talking anymore. “I haven’t changed.”

Neil doesn’t quite know what to say to that. It’s clear he has changed.

“Nicky made me do it.” After Neil looks at him questioningly, he adds, “He’s my cousin.”

“Oh. Oh?”

Andrew snorts. “Yeah, you’re not the first one not to believe that. My brother and I are about as far removed from Nicky’s looks as possible.”

Neil nearly twists his neck with how fast he faces Andrew. “You have a brother?”

Andrew seems to suddenly realize who he’s talking to and shuts back down. “Yes.”

“Okay,” Neil says. He doesn’t really know what else to say. It certainly doesn’t look like Andrew’s willing to talk more. 

That’s why it surprises Neil when Andrew asks him, “Did you really not know about us? Not just us showing up, just, that the show existed?”

Neil shrugs. “I don’t have a tv. Or the internet.”

“A phone?”

Neil takes his battered old flip phone out of his pocket, making Andrew snort.

“I didn’t know they even made those anymore.”

“Maybe they don’t,” Neil says. “It was a gift from the feds, but I don’t think they liked me very much.”

“I think you’re the dumbass for taking a phone from the feds and keeping it for years thinking you’re safe.”

“Can’t spy on me if I don’t go anywhere or do anything,” Neil touches his temple with a smug look. “Also they literally saved my life, so.”

Andrew stares at him with a look Neil can’t describe. He can feel his scars itch under the sudden scrutiny, and he rubs his face.

 “How long?” Andrew asks.

“What?”

“How long have you been safe?” How much torture did you have to take , is what he doesn’t ask.

“Just over two years,” Neil says. Three years of panic, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, fear, and acceptance after leaving you , Neil thinks.

Even though he has every right to, Andrew doesn’t ask him why he left. Nor does he ask Neil why he didn’t look for him after he was safe. Neil’s not sure they’re ready for either conversation to be had, but he hopes they will be, one day. 

Their stilted conversation is interrupted when someone sits down next to Neil and demands their attention with a clearing of her throat and a “Hey cutie.”

Neil looks at the intruder and waits for her to say anything else that would explain her presence. When that doesn’t come, he says “Hello.”

“Aren’t you gonna buy me a drink?”

He turns to see what Andrew thinks of this situation, but he just looks bored at the both of them.

“Uh,” Neil says, and swears at Andrew’s traitorous silence. “No.”

The woman pouts. “Why not?”

Neil’s worried he’s missing some sort of social cue here. “Because...I don’t want to?”

“Oh,” the woman says. “Are you gay then?”

He can hear Andrew getting up behind him, and instinct makes him step in front of him and face the woman alone. “No, what does that matter?”

“It would explain it,” the woman shrugs. 

“Maybe I’m just not interested. Buy your own drinks.”

The woman looks like she’s going to say more, desperate for another free drink, but Andrew carefully pushes him aside.

“He’s not interested. Leave.”

Neil can’t see what Andrew’s face is doing, but he’s not surprised when the woman leaves immediately, even leaving her half-empty glass behind.

“Thanks,” Neil says when Andrew turns back to him.

“Not gay?” Andrew asks, and it takes Neil a second to figure out where the question comes from.

He shrugs. He hasn’t really done much of anything with another person since him and Andrew… Well. He’s not really sure about anything. He also doesn’t know what makes him say, “You?”

Andrew looks at him incredulously. “Good to know you’re still an idiot.” He gulps down the last of his drink and leaves the hotel bar, with Neil’s confused eyes following him.

Chapter Text

“So, Neil,” Renee says, once the crew has called action and she’s given Neil an encouraging smile.

“Yes.”

“Tell me about your hobbies.”

Neil twitches in his seat. They’re in another coffee shop, the show seemingly being sponsored by them, and all other customers either left or are acting very hard like they’re not listening in on them. “I don’t know.”

Renee smiles kindly. “What do you like to do for fun?”

Fun. What does he like to do for fun?

“I run.”

“Okay, and?”

“Uh... I… read.”

“Can I be blunt?” Renee asks, and Neil is sure his answer won’t actually matter. “Do you like being alone, Neil?”

“I mean, I guess?”

“Do you like it, or are you just used to it?” Renee tilts her head. “There isn’t a wrong answer, by the way. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. I’m just wondering if that’s what you actually want.”

Neil is supremely uncomfortable. Even knowing he can’t mess this up, he doesn’t actually know what to say. “I don’t… know.”

“Excellent,” Renee says, like he passed a secret test. “What about your friends?”

“Dan and Matt? What about them?”

“Well, what do you guys do together?”

Neil shrugs. “They make me food, watch me eat it, sometimes they clap when I finish and they won’t explain to me why; sometimes they make me watch Disney movies and place bets on how long it will take ‘till I cry but they always cry first.”

Renee is hiding her grin behind her hand, and Neil can hear the camera operator behind him snickering.

“And do you enjoy hanging out with them?”

“Sure, of course.”

“Good, because I asked them here,” Renee says, and she points towards the door where Dan and Matt walk in with sheepish faces.

“Surprise!” Dan says.

Matt falls into an armchair with a sigh. “Thank God, it’s been far too long since I’ve seen you.”

“Matt, it’s been like a day.”

“Almost two! That’s a record!”

Renee hands out small whiteboards while Dan and Matt get settled with their own drinks.

“We’re going to start with a short friendship test,” she says. “I’ll ask you some simple questions about each other, you all write the answers, and then we check if the answers match.”

The first question she asks is “How long have you been friends?”

Dan and Matt write their answers fairly quickly, but Neil takes a moment longer to think. Then he writes down ‘A year.’

Renee asks them to turn their boards around, and Neil is shocked to see ‘two years’ on both Dan and Matt’s boards. 

“But that’s… I moved in like two years ago.” Neil hates seeing the slightly sad looks on his friends’ faces.

“Why do you think it’s been one year, Neil?” Renee asks him with a sweet smile.

Neil falters. “I don’t know? How are you meant to know? Why do you have to label everything? We never talked about this.”

“I’m sorry you feel confused, Neil,” Dan says. “And we’re not mad at your answer, right Matt?”

“Right,” Matt agrees. “But just so you know, we’ve considered you our friend for a long time.”

Renee moves on to the next question. “Where did Neil grow up?”

Dan and Matt look at each other with confusion, and Neil hesitantly writes down ‘Baltimore’.

Dann and Matt both have question marks on their board.

Things continue in the same way when Renee asks them Neil’s favorite color (grey), his favorite movie (none) and his favorite drink (water).

When the questions are about Dan and Matt, though, Neil gets almost everything right.

Everyone’s pleased when Dan and Matt guess Neil’s favorite meal right, but that only makes sense when they’re the ones feeding him most of the time. Regardless, the message has come across.

“I guess we don’t… know that much about you, huh?” Matt says.

Neil feels extremely awkward at having to defend himself over this, but Renee steps in.

“I hope you all realize wrong answers don’t mean you’re bad friends. It just means there’s still room to grow. You don’t have to share everything about yourself, but if you wanted to, Neil, your friends are clearly interested in you.”

Dan nods encouragingly. “You can talk to us whenever you want, about whatever you want.”

Neil nods and stares at his scuffed sneakers.

“Guys, could you leave us?” Renee asks, and Dan and Matt quickly say goodbye after a short hug with Neil. “Are you okay?” she asks once they’ve left.

Neil shrugs. “Fine.”

Renee smiles knowingly. “Really?”

Neil shrugs again.

“What are you thinking about?”

“I feel embarrassed, I guess.”

“About what?”

Neil lifts his shoulders again, pushing himself against the back of his seat. “They’re the two people who know me best, and they don’t actually… know me. And that’s on me.”

“Do you know why that is?”

“Cause I haven’t let them,” Neil admits. “Cause I’m scared.”

“It’s a scary thing, letting someone see you, know you,” Renee says. “It takes time and courage. But I think you’re pretty brave, aren’t you?”

Neil smiles. 

“Have you ever let someone in? Let someone see you?”

Neil is suddenly on edge, something in the back of his mind telling him she knows, she knows something .

“Once,” he says, trying to see if she’ll give anything away.

“And it ended badly?” Her face is completely neutral.

“It ended,” Neil says, and that’s all he’ll say about it. Renee seems to know about it anyways.

“It’s okay to let people in, Neil. It’s hard, but it’s rewarding. I hope you’ll realize that.”

Neil nods, tensely, and Renee seems to realize that’s as far as he’ll go.

“I think that’s a wrap,” she smiles at the camera people, and silently urges them to leave. “Don’t hate me for doing that.”

“I don’t consider you important enough to hate,’ Neil says, making Renee laugh. “So, you and Andrew?”

Renee raises an eyebrow while she processes that statement. “Me and…? Oh!” She says and immediately starts to laugh, a loud, clear sound traveling through the coffee shop. “Oh, no, definitely not.”

Neil scoffs, “It’s not a ridiculous question.”

“I suppose not,” Renee says with a friendly nod of her head. “But I’m not his type, and he isn’t mine.”

“Ah,” Neil says, and then on a whim, “So, you and Allison?”

The sudden crimson color of Renee’s skin clashes horribly with her pastel hair, and Neil feels slightly proud of catching her off guard.

“You’re a lot more observant than you seem, Neil Josten.”

Neil shrugs, a satisfied smile present.

“She’s nice,” Renee admits. “She can be a little bit of a bitch.”

“You like that, though.”

Renee squints and smiles. “Maybe.”

Chapter Text

Neil dries his hair haphazardly, letting some of the water drip on the hotel room floor and leaving the door to the bathroom open to air it out. He finally managed to make it outside for a run and feels a lot calmer after the anxiety-inducing day he’s had. His phone dings somewhere under his running shorts, and he has to rummage around a bit before he can find it.

roof

It’s from a number he doesn’t recognize, but it’s not hidden, which Neil finds slightly trustworthy. If it’s someone with bad intentions, they’re doing a terrible job of hiding the evidence.

He pulls on loose sweats, a hoodie, and his familiar trainers before he heads towards the staircase. He’s pretty high up as it is, so it doesn’t take very long before he reaches the roof, and sees Andrew sitting near the edge of it.

“This seems like a really fucking stupid idea,” Neil says before he takes a seat next to him.

“Why’s that?” Andrew says around the cigarette in his mouth.

“Aren’t you terrified of heights?”

Andrew nods.

“Adrenaline junkie?”

“That’s you, no?”

Neil smiles. “Can I bum a smoke?”

Andrew throws him his pack of cigarettes with a raised eyebrow and watches Neil light one.

“Didn’t realize you smoked,” he says.

“I don’t,” Neil replies, holding the cigarette between his fingers. “Could say the same about you.”

“I don’t either,” Andrew says while inhaling. “And if you tell Nicky otherwise, I’ll personally crush your balls.”

“Kinky,” Neil says, and he’s laughing as soon as the word comes out of his mouth. It’s the type of thing he would have told Andrew when they were fifteen, the type of thing Andrew would have laughed at too. It feels wrong to feel bad about it, here on this rooftop at night, five years later, pushed together by fate.

Andrew scoffs, and Neil considers that a win.

“Will you leave if I ask you how you’ve been?”

“I’m not the one prone to running.”

Neil sighs. It’s a fair point to make, but he doesn't want to leave Andrew in the dark any longer. “Can I at least explain to you why I ran?”

“Will I feel better about you leaving in the middle of the night, leaving me alone to squat in an abandoned house with nothing but the clothes on my back and an envelope full of cash?”

Neil rubs his hand through his hair, shaking the last wetness out of his curls. “No.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“They found me,” Neil says, and watches Andrew’s jaw twitch. “My father’s people, they spotted me that morning. I hid away and made my way back to you, and I grabbed my bag. Left you half my money so you could make it, and then I ran.”

Andrew crushes his cigarette and lights a new one. “What then.”

“Travelled around a bit. Wasn’t as fun without you, of course, and a whole lot less kissing involved,” Neil snickers, then quickly sobers up. “They caught me after a couple years. Weren’t too happy about it taking so long, I suppose, so they took their time leaving their marks on me. Then they gave me to my father.”

Andrew’s intake of breath is very loud this high up, and Neil knows he could recognize him by that sound alone.

“They’re all dead?” Andrew asks, not allowing Neil to get lost in his nightmares, trying to remember the horrors he went through.

He nods. “All dead.”

“Quick deaths?”

Neil grins like he doesn’t often let himself, knowing who he looks like. “Not all of them.”

“And the feds?”

“Couldn’t prove I had anything to do with them dying, especially since I was in their custody for some of them.” 

“So you’re a real law-abiding citizen now?” Andrew snorts. “I find that hard to believe.”

“I only need the feds to believe that,” Neil grins again. “Besides, I don’t do anything, that’s why you guys were called on me.”

“Does it bother you?”

“Does what bother me?”

Andrew rolls his eyes. “That we’re here.”

Neil looks him in the eyes then, surprised Andrew is even facing him. “It doesn’t bother me that you’re here.”

Andrew’s ears are red, but that could be from the cold. The shivering too.

“I’m going inside,” Andrew says, and Neil waits until he’s heard the door to the staircase slam shut before he lets his back hit the rooftop.

Chapter Text

The cameras aren’t even rolling yet and Nicky is screeching at the sight of Neil.

“Aaaah! We’re gonna have so much fun, you won’t believe!” Nicky beams at the prospects of spending the day with Neil, which Neil, honestly, is very confused about. 

“Do we need to wait for the cameras, or…?” Neil asks, seeing as that’s how the last two days have gone.

“Nah, it’s fine, they work around me,” Nicky says, freely looking around this restaurant kitchen they’ve somehow gained access too. “Right, young man, what do you like to eat?”

“Uh…” If there’s anything bothering Neil about this week, it’s all the questions he has to answer. It’s not so much that they’re asking him about his preferences, opinions, and feelings, it’s that he oftentimes just doesn’t have a fucking clue on what to answer. “Fruit?”

“You like to keep fit, I can see that,” Nicky says and winks with both eyes. 

“Uhm,” Neil says.

“Sorry babe, I know I lay it on thick but it’s how I was made, I can’t help myself,” Nicky whispers as if that’ll stop the giant mic from picking it up. “I’ve been warned not to flirt too much, so trust me, this is the paired back version.”

“Wait what, who warned you?”

Nicky ignores him and sticks an entire carrot in his mouth. It takes about ten minutes before he’s okay to speak again, just when Neil needed his mindless chatter most.

“Anyway,” Nicky says after washing the carrot down with some juice. “Let’s make some food, huh?”

Neil squints his eyes at him. “You’re doing this on purpose.”

“Neil, honey, I can promise you I haven’t done anything on purpose in years. It’s very freeing, I must say.”

“You’re a strange man, Nicky.”

Nicky’s smile widens even more. “Some might even call me... queer .”

Neil groans. “That can’t be the first time you’ve made that joke.”

“I try and fit one in every episode. You’d be surprised how many they’ve had to cut out.

“I don’t think I would be.”

“Tushy,” Nicky says.

“You mean ‘touché’?”

“I really don’t.”

Neil is surprised how easily he can keep the conversation going with Nicky while they’re preparing food. He figured Nicky would do most of the talking, but the way Nicky speaks to him is effortless, about everything and nothing at all, and Neil easily falls in line. 

Nicky promises him the cameras are mostly shooting B-roll now, so they’re free to ‘ swear and talk about boys , Nicky’s exact words.

“That reminds me, I should probably call Erik today to talk about what kind of appliances you need in your brand-new kitchen,” Nicky says as subtly as he can, which is to say not very subtle at all.

Neil enjoys calling people’s bluff. “Sure, if you need an excuse to call him.”

“And what might that mean, my short friend?” Nicky asks with reddened ears. It sort of reminds him of Andrew on the roof last night.

“I think you know what I mean, star of Netflix original movie ‘Tall girl’.”

Nicky’s mouth drops open. “Did you just meme me? You don’t even have Netflix!”

Neil grins. “I have friends who have Netflix. They’re the same friends who sent me a list of funny insults for each of you whenever I felt uncomfortable.”

“Unbelievable.”

“I was gonna keep that one for Erik, but he wasn’t rude to me once.”

“Of course he wasn’t,” Nicky says, slumping over the island countertop. “He’s perfect.”

Neil pulls a face. “I wouldn’t say perfect. He’s abnormally tall.”

“He’s perfectly tall,” Nicky sighs. “I want to climb him like a fucking tree.”

“I know.” Neil takes a single baby step out of his comfort zone and pats Nicky on the shoulder. “There there.”

“Is it really obvious?”

“I mean… Even I could see it, and I asked Andrew if he was gay on Monday.”

That brings a surprised chuckle out of Nicky, and he stands up to face him. “You did not.”

“Did too.”

Nicky pulls Neil in a side-hug, and Neil lets him.

“Do you think he knows?”

“Who, Erik?” Neil asks, and Nicky nods against the side of his head. “I think the only person who isn’t aware of your giant crush on him, is Erik.”

When Nicky just hums, Neil continues, “So why haven’t you told him?”

Nicky stirs some pots for the cameras’ sake, then joins Neil again at the kitchen island. “It’s too scary,” he admits.

Neil’s silence seems to work as permission to continue, so he says, “I like him so much it actually hurts sometimes, and then I feel so stupid. I don’t think it’s just a crush, because you can get over those, right?”

Neil shrugs, but he does sort of see where Nicky’s coming from.

“Distance works for that, and getting your mind off things. But I work with him every day , and if it’s not on the show, then I see him on press tours, and even just...hanging out because we’re friends! And I don’t wanna lose him as a friend if me confessing to him fucks it all up. Cause it can fuck so many things up, you know?”

Nicky’s close to tears now, and Neil is feeling uncomfortable for many reasons. Firstly, tears, because he’s never been good with those. Secondly, emotions that sort of ring true. Sure, he can’t relate to everything Nicky’s saying, but his words do make Neil feel something . It’s annoying.

“I know you don’t date, but…” Nicky says, blinking his tears away. “Have you ever been in love?”

The annoying feeling isn’t going anywhere, Neil notices. That’s when he surprises himself by saying, “I don’t know. Maybe. If you could call it that.”

“How did you get over it?”

Neil thinks about that for a few seconds.

“I didn’t.”

Chapter Text

Neil meets Renee unexpectedly in the hallway of their hotel after he got another one-word-text from Andrew. They blink at each other silently for a few seconds, then Renee smiles.

“What a funny little accident running into you, Neil,” she says. “Is it too nosy for me to ask where you’re going?”

“Where are you going?” Neil asks in return, which, alright, is not his best comeback. Renee is, however, carrying a bottle of wine, a bag full of snacks, and most incriminating of all, is wearing her pj's while leaving her room.

Renee blushes and tucks some hair behind her ear. “Allison asked me over to watch a movie. What about you?”

Her answer was a lot shorter and to the point than Neil had been hoping for, leaving him with no time to invent a feasible excuse.

“Uh… Air,” he ends up saying, wincing a little bit.

“Uhu,” Renee says. “Tell Andrew I said hi.”

“Tell him yourself,” Neil bites back childishly. He doesn’t know what it is about these people that makes him act like a twelve-year-old. Well, other than Andrew. But he won’t allow himself to dive deeper into those thoughts.

Renee turns her head in thought. “I would warn you against hurting him again, but I think you know what a monumentally stupid idea that would be, right?”

Neil can’t think how to reply to that, not sure how Renee got involved in this thing he can’t even put into words yet.

“Anyway,” she blessedly interrupts the awkward silence. “I have a tall blonde to woo while making her think it’s her own idea. I’ll see you later!”

She waves goodbye and hurries along, and Neil gives himself two seconds to process what just happened before jogging to the staircase. Andrew is waiting.

“Thought you might have chickened out,” is the first thing Andrew says when Neil gets comfortable on the cold, hard floor.

“Renee says hi.”

“Ah,” Andrew says around an exhale of smoke, handing Neil his pack of cigarettes and lighter.

After the comfortable silence lingers for a while, it’s Andrew who breaks it.

“So, how was the day with Nicky?”

“Well,” Neil hesitates on what to say. “Illuminating.”

“Hmm.” Andrew doesn’t ask him to clarify, but Neil noticed the twitch in his eyebrow. “Did he cry?”

“Uh… yeah.”

“He owes me twenty bucks now.” Andrew takes out his phone and sends out a quick text. “Three years and he still hasn’t realized not to bet against me.”

When his phone pings just a few moments later, Andrew shows him the screen.

<pay up bitch

>WHO TOLD

Andrew has a soft smile on his face, just the corner of his mouth curved up, but it’s the most breathtaking sight to Neil.

“You look happy,” he blurts out.

Andrew looks forward and shrugs. “Yeah, I just earned twenty bucks.”

Neil allows him to sidestep. “Aren’t you like tv-rich?”

“That sounds like something a bad golddigger would say, mister Josten,” Andrew says, lying down on his back, hood up to protect against the cold roof.

Neil pulls a face at the implication. “I have my own money, mister Minyard.”

“Is that why your place looks like you’re squatting in it?”

“Hey,” Neil scoffs with a smile on his face. “It’s not that bad.”

“Reminded me of the house on 45th Street, that’s how empty it fucking looked.”

Neil lies back too and laughs, “Not 45th, Jesus, that was the worst of them all.”

“All right,” Andrew says, “Yours at least has a bed.”

Neil remembers how they used to snuggle up, Andrew grumbling in his ear but falling asleep in two seconds flat. “We made due, though.”

“Hmm,” Andrew says, likely remembering it too.

“You still snore?”

“You shut your mouth, Josten.”

Neil laughs out loud, feeling his body shake with it, and he turns his head to look at Andrew who’s already looking at him.

They lay there in silence, Neil counting Andrew’s eyelashes and not thinking too hard about what’s happening here.

Andrew lets his cigarette burn out in his hand and throws it off to the side, never looking away from Neil.

They stay like that for Neil doesn’t even know how long, simply enjoying each other's presence. They don’t talk about the show, or about how they’re going to navigate around each other tomorrow. 

Not a single word is spoken until it gets to be too late, too cold, and they both rise to head inside. Neil pulls the strings in Andrew’s hood until it’s all scrunched up, making Andrew roll his eyes, but flick his forehead in revenge.

In the hallway to their respective rooms, Andrew says, “Night, Neil.”

“Goodnight, Andrew.”

Chapter Text

On second thought, maybe they should have briefly discussed how to act around each other today.

The cameras have been rolling for a good ten minutes and they haven’t said a word. And while Neil doesn’t mind standing around and staring at Andrew, he’s pretty sure production’s not gonna love that concept.

“Should I...try on stuff?”

It seems to bring Andrew out of his stupor, and he nods. “Yes. Look around and pick out stuff you would wear.”

They’ve come to a decently sized store Neil’s never heard of, but there’s a lot of different styles available, looking surprisingly approachable. Nothing is screaming too loud either in terms of color or literal giant words on clothes. 

He walks around with a camera behind him and actually makes an effort. He knows his wardrobe is not exciting, okay, but it’s been hard to get rid of that instinct to blend into the background. The fewer people that look at him, the better.

He picks out a range of options, mostly in greys and black. To throw Andrew for a loop, he adds a muted orange hoodie, not too offensive to Neil’s eyes but extremely out of the box for him.

When he gets back to Andrew with his pile of clothes, he doesn’t look very impressed. He doesn’t look very unimpressed either, which is better than Neil was hoping for.

He only takes out a few of the more plain shirts and hangs them on a separate rail. He takes out a few more and says, “At least half of these are in the wrong size.”

“Uhm,” Neil says.

“You picked those sizes on purpose?” Andrew asks, no indication of his opinion present in his tone.

Neil shrugs.

“It’s alright to wear oversized clothes, but I just wanna see if it’s because of comfort or because you feel like you have to.”

Admittedly, Neil had almost forgotten Andrew was the expert on fashion on this show for a reason. They wouldn’t have just given the job to someone who didn’t give a shit, but it’s strange seeing Andrew so vocal.

When’s the last time you wore a more tight-fitting shirt?” Andrew eyes him and holds up two shirts, guessing his size. Neil ignores the urge to cross his arms in front of him.

“I don’t remember,” he admits.

“Alright,” Andrew says. “I’ll get you to try some, and if you don't like it we’ll ditch the idea, okay?”

Neil nods gratefully. 

“How do you feel about sleeve length?”

“Huh?”

Andrew takes a step back and studies Neil’s body.

“How are you with showing skin? Your brief said you have some scars, so is that something to take into consideration when dressing you?”

“Ah,” Neil says, a bit awkwardly. “I uh… prefer not to. Sometimes I have to, though, like if I go running. Long sleeves when I’m all sweaty gets more uncomfortable than people’s stares, so…”

“Hmm,” Andrew says, pushing the sleeve of his sweater up, showcasing the black bands around his arms. “I don’t like showing my arms either, so this could work for you, maybe.”

Neil knows what’s underneath those bands, has seen it in person many times. Somehow it completely slipped his mind that he can relate on that front now too.

“I’d like that,” he says.

Andrew just nods and directs him to the dressing room where a whole rack of clothes is prepared. Andrew adds some of the pieces Neil picked out and that made the cut. He picks out a combination of items that mean absolutely nothing to Neil’s amateur eye and thrusts them at him.

“Take your time, let us know when you’re ready and then you can walk out, okay? No one’s gonna disturb you when you’re dressing, and the cameras stay outside with me,” Andrew lets him know in low tones. 

Neil nods stupidly and heads inside, but the first thing he does is sit down and process things.

When he snaps out of it, he takes a look at his first outfit. It’s a long-sleeved shirt on the tighter side, but with quite loose sweats. He realizes Andrew gave him orange sneakers, so obviously he saw the hoodie Neil picked out, and apparently liked it enough to run with it.

The shirt is not as uncomfortable as he would have thought, and Andrew’s appreciative look doesn’t go unnoticed either. Neither does Neil’s bad attempt to hide his smirk, and Andrew pushes him back towards the dressing room with his next outfit.

It’s a giant black hoodie, large enough to end mid-thigh, and they’re paired with black skinny jeans. The sneakers Andrew gave him are a little more ostentatious, even though they’re also black. They must cost a small fortune if they’re some famous brand, but he has to admit they do look nice.

The sleeves on his hoodie are longer than his arms, and he enjoys scrunching his hands in the ends of them. It’s comfortable and warm, but loose enough to let some air in underneath, where he's got a flimsy t-shirt on.

Andrew nods in approval, and before Neil turns to leave, he reaches out and pulls the cord in Neil's hood. Neil watches the corner of his mouth lift and copies it helplessly.

He can hear the production crew complaining behind the cameras about their lack of speech, but Neil tunes them out. Andrew keeps handing him more outfits, and Neil can’t bring himself to get tired of it.

He hardly cares much about the concept of being fashionable, but he does like the way Andrew feels about it. He’s obviously passionate and knowledgeable, but he doesn’t force anything on him, and simply works with what Neil’s comfort levels are.

He’s extremely good at his job, Neil realizes, and he’s suddenly filled with awe for this man who had to fight with extremely unfair odds to get here.

“Staring,” Andrew says.

“So are you,” Neil grins.

Andrew quirks an eyebrow. “That’s my job.”

Neil doesn’t know enough about stylists to prove him wrong, but it’s fun just having easy banter with Andrew, just like they used to. Anytime Andrew looks at him like ‘ you absolute idiot, why do I keep you around ’, it’s like Neil has traveled back in time.

Someone on the crew tells them they have enough footage, and Neil hesitates. He doesn’t want to leave and potentially break this vibe they’ve got going on right now, and frankly, he likes Andrew dressing him up.

“Do you have more?” he asks, and it only takes one meaningful look before Andrew plays along.

He picks more items off the rack and sends Neil off. 

When he comes back out there’s about half the crew there was before, and Andrew looks pissed off in their direction. He mutters, “Fucking babysitters,” when Neil pulls a questioning face, and Neil realizes they won’t be left alone.

Maybe that's for the best, considering Andrew’s giving Neil a complete once-over, leaving him feeling some kind of way.

There are rips in his jeans, which is apparently a thing Andrew likes. Easily swayed, Neil now likes them too.

They spend the rest of the afternoon playing dress-up, annoying the living crap out of the crew by not giving any decent soundbites and swearing when they do speak, making sure it can’t really be used on the show.

It’s the most fun Neil’s had in a long time, and he tries not to feel bad about that fact. Maybe the show’s actually working, and he’s being changed for the better. Frankly, he’s alright with that.

Chapter Text

Neil had sat on the hotel roof until midnight, despite no text from Andrew arriving all night. It made sense since they spent all day together, but Neil didn’t want to miss the opportunity if Andrew did happen to be there. He had gone back to his hotel room, sent Andrew a goodnight text and had dropped himself on his bed. It still took a few hours for him to fall asleep, though, and he still woke up at seven for his morning run. He’s had two coffees already, but he still doesn’t feel entirely awake in this fancy hair salon. 

Allison sends off a quick text before focusing all her attention on Neil who’s rubbing his eyes. She plonks him down in the barber chair and turns him towards the mirror. He takes a quick look at himself before looking at Allison instead.

She smiles at him and ruffles his hair. To be fair, there’s a lot of it, so it doesn’t look much different post-ruffle.

“Oh Neil,” she says with a sigh.

“Uh… hello?” It’s the first words she spoke since he came in.

“And hello to this bird’s nest on your head.”

“It’s not that bad,” Neil says, shaking his head a little.

After an incredulous look from Allison, he continues, “Alright, it’s been a while since I did something to it. I usually keep it in a ponytail when it’s this long.”

“So you would cut it yourself?”

Neil nods. “Once it gets too long I just do a buzz cut until it grows out again. I might trim some spots with scissors.”

“I will surely regret asking this, but,” Allison rolls her eyes. “What kind of scissors?”

“Kitchen...scissors?”

“Jesus, I wish I could curse on camera. So, what bothers you most about your hair? Like, what makes you cut it all off?” 

Neil pulls a face and rubs his neck. “It gets all itchy down my neck, and if I’ve gone running it sticks to my forehead. That’s why I put it up and out of the way.”

Allison gently manipulates Neil’s hair this way and that and studies him in the mirror. “So I’m thinking of having it short at the back, but manageable at the front and top, right? So you don’t have to go to the two full extremes every few months.”

Neil nods and shrugs. “You’re the expert.”

“Smart man,” Allison grins.

“Uh, before we start..” 

Allison nods for him to continue, cape in hand.

“Do you need the mirror to work? I don’t really uh…”

“Oh sure, babe,” Allison says immediately, stopping Neil from explaining himself. “I’ll turn you around, we don’t need that.”

“Thanks,” Neil sighs in relief. All these years later and he’s still not entirely comfortable with the face that looks back at him in the mirror. He can do it if looking at himself has a purpose and it won’t last too long, but he’s definitely not prepared to stare at himself for a few hours with people watching him as well.

After Allison has washed his hair and returns to the chair, she asks him, “Excuse my nosiness, but… Is it the scars?” 

“Ah,” Neil winces. He’s not really prepared to share his worries with millions of people.

Allison seems to read his mind. “This isn’t going into the show, by the way, I’ll make sure of that.”

Neil nods gratefully. “Yeah, I… The scars are a part of it. My face is full of bad reminders. The less I see them, the better.”

Allison cuts some bigger chunks of hair, and Neil watches them fall down his cape.

“Have you thought about applying some light makeup?” Allison asks. “It doesn’t have to be anything too noticeable, but they do make stuff that’s great to cover up scars.”

“Hmm,” Neil says. “Maybe.”

“We can try it out, see how you feel. Maybe it doesn’t do shit for you, but we can take the chance, right? Not to sound like an insensitive bitch but I can’t even imagine not being able to look at myself.”

Neil grins at her brashness.

“Besides, you’re hot shit, Josten. You deserve to enjoy the privilege of looking like this.”

“After you transform me, you mean?”

“Pff,” Allison says. “Sure, I’m majorly improving the situation, but the foundation was already there. I don’t think you know how many people are attracted to you.”

“I think I prefer not to,” Neil says.

“Fair,” Allison laughs. “You’re a one and done kind of guy, huh?”

Neil freezes.

“Oh relax, babe. Renee feels terrible for even implying anything, but I’ve got eyes. I would have figured it out eventually.”

“There’s nothing to figure out.”

“Sure,” Allison laughs. “Keep telling yourself that.”

Neil inhales and exhales deeply. “There’s nothing to be done, tomorrow you all leave and you're on the road to change someone else’s life, right?”

“Right,” Allison admits.”So what are you gonna do about it?”

I… What?”

“Listen,” Allison starts, putting the scissors down and coming to face Neil. “The sexual tension between Nicky and Erik is about to explode, I’m so close to convincing Renee to risk it all and Andrew deserves some fucking love, okay? And trust me, it shocked me to find out I was this invested, but he deserves that with you. If I have to push you two together for it to happen, I fucking will, okay?”

Surprised by this turn of events, Neil just nods. 

“Good,” Allison says, before turning the buzz cutter on. “Look down, hun.”

When she’s done brushing the loose hairs off his neck, putting some product in his hair and twisting it a bit, she takes the cape off.

She applies some foundation to his skin after asking his permission to touch his face, and it’s surprisingly light. He always just assumed makeup would feel like an extra layer, a mask on your skin, but it's actually pretty comfortable.

Out of nowhere, she takes out a black pencil. “How do we feel about eyeliner?”

“We feel...very little about it?”

Allison keeps waiting for a different answer, it seems.

“Ugh, fine,” Neil caves. “Please don’t poke my eyeballs.”

Allison scoffs. “I know what I’m doing, Josten.”

She applies the pencil to his eyelid, then uses a brush to soften it, she tells him.

After running a different colored pencil through his eyebrows and applying some sort of gel to them, she sighs.

“It’s actually unfair how good you look. Are you ready to see the result?”

She leads him to mirror after his nod, and then Neil is left to see his new self. Well, there’s still a camera taking in his reaction, but he can’t bring himself to focus on that when he sees how he looks.

He rubs the short hair on his neck where Allison has given him an undercut. The longer hair on top is not too long to get in his face, and even still, he can push it back with some product, or put it in a small ponytail.

That’s not the most surprising thing, though. He looks like… himself, somehow. He doesn’t see someone else’s features, he doesn’t see the scars inflicted on him, but he does see… Neil. The eyeliner above his eyes draws some attention to them, but instead of reminding him of his father, they make him look good. He likes looking like this. He can appreciate this. 

Despite the itch behind his eyes, he’s not gonna cry about it. He’s not. Okay, a little bit, but that’s all. Anyway, Allison is too.

“I’m not crying,” Neil says.

Allison wipes her cheek with a tissue. “Me neither.”

She stands behind him and kisses the top of his head. “I happen to know Andrew is a sucker for an undercut, so you’re welcome, babe.”

Neil laughs, surprised at the loud sound leaving his body. Then he grabs his phone and opens his group chat with Dan and Matt. He has a plan for tomorrow night, and he’s definitely gonna need their help.

Chapter Text

After spending the day with Dan and Matt, where they got stuff together for Neil’s surprise but also just had a long chat about the past week and what it’s done for Neil, Neil is firmly back in the hands of the Fab Five. Literally, in the case of Nicky, who drove him here and has not let go of his arm once.

“Are you okay?” he asks while they’re standing near his door, waiting for the okay from the crew for them to step inside. “You seem more on edge than usual.”

Nicky looks a little pale and laughs nervously. “I’m gonna do something stupid today.”

“Oh,” Neil says, confused. Then it hits him. “Oh?”

“Yep,” Nicky nods, and Neil notices how his hands are shaking. “Potential career-ruining decision, coming up.”

“Hey,” Neil says, making Nicky face him. “If it all works out, then it’s worth the risk, right?”

Nicky nods, determined. Then he smiles slyly. “Neil Josten, you’re a secret romantic?”

A few days ago Neil would have scoffed at the thought. Apparently though, it just takes the right person.

He volunteers a hug and Nicky’s jaw drops before hurriedly accepting it. 

The crew signal they’re ready, and Neil is led inside.

The first thing Neil notices is how at home he instantly feels. He can’t say he missed his place this last week, but it does feel extremely nice to be home, especially now that it looks and feels like one.

The walls are painted in different tones of grey, not too dark so the place still feels big and roomy, not like the walls are closing in on him. He’s got a large brown leather sofa which looks extremely comfortable, paired with some bean bag chairs, one black, and one orange.

There’s a dining table with chairs, a coffee table with some magazines and an actual TV stand with a large television. He can only assume he now also has a Netflix subscription.

Nicky shows him his kitchen which now has a bigger fridge, but more importantly, his cupboards are actually filled now. There’s a fancy-looking coffee maker and a blender, which Nicky instructs him to make smoothies with, and Neil already knows he most likely will never do that.

Erik stands in the corner of the room and watches him take it all in. He apologizes to Nicky for stealing Neil away and takes him to his bedroom. He probably intended for Neil to talk about his new (admittedly large and starfish-worthy) bed, but all he can see is Andrew standing next to his closet.

When he ends up just staring at Andrew who’s staring at his face, Erik breaks the silence.

“ So viel ungelöste sexuelle Spannung in diesem Raum .”

Neil punches him in the stomach, hiding how much it hurts afterwards.

“Thank you, Erik, goodbye, Erik,” Neil says before pushing him out the door.

Andrew’s mouth is doing that quirk thing again, and Neil’s slowly starting to be able to read it.

“You know German, huh?”

Andrew tries to school his face. “A bit, yeah. I figured it couldn’t hurt to know what Erik was saying behind our backs. I quickly regretted that decision.”

“He talks about Nicky’s ass a lot .”

“Don’t remind me, it’s been two years of this shit.”

The cameraman who followed them here groans and says, “We can’t air any of this.” 

Andrew just quirks his eyebrow and the guy leaves them with a sigh.

“You like the hair?” Neil ends up asking.

“Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to.”

Neil’s getting ready to show off some outfits to the gang, and he laughs as he hears Nicky say, “All I want is a crop top and some lace, but I feel like I’m going to be disappointed.”

When he walks out, he still gets whistles and appreciative looks all around, and he struggles not to walk away from all the attention. Then again, he also struggles to hide the content grin on his face.

Dan and Matt are brought in while he changes into another outfit and even though he saw them just this afternoon, they’re beaming with pride when he walks out again.

He leaves his favorite outfit laid out on his bed and joins the gang as they’re celebrating in his newly decorated living room.

Champagne has been popped, appetizers Nicky must have prepared earlier have been laid out and for the first time, Neil doesn’t feel entirely overwhelmed by the number of people around him. He enjoys it, even.

A producer urges him to make a speech, but all Neil can think of to say is, “Uh. Thanks, everyone. I’m really glad you all forced yourselves into my life because it will definitely never be the same again. This week has been amazing.”

After the happy cheers die down, even the camera crew gives up on getting decent, usable shots for the show, and they leave after saying bye to everyone.

He and Andrew have been sharing looks all evening, and the nerves in his stomach start growing. He talked this all through with Dan and Matt, though, and true to their plan, Dan starts a conversation with Andrew about tucking in shirts, which she was sure would keep him busy for a few minutes.

Neil excuses himself, makes his escape to his bedroom, quickly changes into his oversized black hoodie, skinny ripped jeans and orange sneakers, then slips out of his apartment.

Chapter Text

Neil has been gone for fourteen minutes, but Andrew will not admit to keeping count. To be really precise, it’s been fourteen minutes since he noticed Neil was gone, after Dan tried to convince him of the ridiculous notion of tucking in every shirt on every occasion.

He suspects foul play when Dan asks him his opinion on nail polish on guys. He knows she watches the show, and he did a whole speech on the subject last season.

“Where’s Neil?” he asks, ignoring the old memories resurfacing of the last time Neil left. He’s still here, he can’t just leave, this is a set-up, focus , Andrew.

“What do you mean?” Dan asks, a better liar than Andrew thought. “Matt, have you seen Neil?”

Matt seems worse at the lying shtick, he just sticks three appetizers in his mouth and shakes his head.

In the corner of his eye, he sees Nicky stand up, nervously wringing his hands, and Andrew would kill someone to get out of this situation as soon as humanly possible, thanks.

A buzz from his phone saves him, and he sees the single worded text come in.

roof

This would all go a whole lot smoother if he knew where the fucking staircase to the roof was, so it takes him a while, but once he finds them, he sprints up them and thanks the fucking lord Neil lives near the top floor.

As he stands in front of the door, he takes a second to catch his breath and prepare himself. Opening it, he realizes he could not have prepared for this.

The roof is decorated with fairy lights all over, there’s a large blanket spread out on the floor with pillows and other shit on it, and Neil fucking Josten is standing beside it, looking annoyingly, disturbingly hot .

“Drew,” he says, and Andrew’s heart beats in double-time.

He takes a second to swallow past his dry throat and says, “Well, this is very dramatic.”

Neil laughs, and Andrew hates how weak he is, still is for this man.

“What is this, Abram?” The old name slips out like a habit, just like the old confusing feelings.

“I’m not leaving you again,” Neil says.

“Don’t say stupid things,” Andrew replies.

“I mean it. I want this.”

“There is no—”

“There is,” Neil interrupts him. “This is something .”

“Neil…”

“Just listen, okay?” Neil asks, letting out a nervous exhale. “I know we were just fifteen when we got together, but I always felt right with you. Even when we had nothing but the clothes on our back, we could make it through, because we had each other. After a life without any love or affection, somehow I ended up meeting you and you showed me what it could be like, with the right person. But there's only one person like that for me. You’re it , Drew.”

“Be quiet,” Andrew says.

“I’m sorry for—”

“Just, be quiet,” he repeats, wringing his hands in his sleeves and trying to sort out his thoughts.

Neil steps closer until Andrew can count the freckles on his nose.

“Drew,” Neil whispers, taking Andrew’s hands in his, squeezing once.

Oh, fuck it.

Andrew grabs Neil’s face gently and kisses him the way he’s been thinking about for the past five years.

He kisses him like it’s all he’ll ever do, like someone might take this from him, but he’ll fight anyone who dares to try, because this is real, and this is his .

He kisses Neil and kisses Neil, and kisses Neil until Neil pulls away with a chuckle and an “I think the ice cream is melting.”

Fine, that may be the one thing able to catch Andrew’s attention at this point.

“What kind?” he asks, his right hand still busy making itself home on the back of Neil's neck, scratching lightly at the short hairs.

Neil pulls a sheepish face. “I may have gone a bit overboard, but in my defense, I didn’t know there were twenty thousand options available.”

Andrew looks down at the… dozen ice cream cartons.

“Really, Josten?”

“I didn’t know what you would like!”

“I like anything with sugar in it.”

“Anything?” Neil asks.

“My top three likes are caffeine, sugar and annoying runaways with pretty faces,” Andrew says, blushing immediately afterward, feeling his ears grow red.

Neil kisses the corner of his mouth, then repeats it on the other side.

“I’m not running anymore.”

Andrew grabs the back of Neil’s head and directs him to the center of his mouth. “Commit to it, coward.”

Neil’s laugh vibrates against his lips, and Andrew smiles.

Chapter Text

Andrew wakes up from the smell of caffeine and blinks open a single eye to watch as Neil places a mug on his brand new bedside table.

“Don’t worry, it’s more sugar than anything else.”

Andrew grumbles and releases one arm from his blanket prison to pull Neil onto the bed.

“Why the fuck are you awake already?”

Neil gets comfortable, one arm slung around Andrew’s waist. “I just went for a run.”

“Fucking weirdo.”

“I always wake up at seven anyway. I couldn’t fall back asleep because someone,” he looks at Andrew pointedly, “snores.”

Andrew blinks, then says, “I don’t fucking snore, you little shit.”

He sits up only to take a sip of his cup of caffeinated sugar water and lays back down with a content sigh. 

When his coffee’s finished, he regretfully pushes the blankets off and stands up.

“You shower first, I’ll get started on breakfast.”

Neil raises an eyebrow and Andrew scoffs, “Don’t pretend you can cook.”

“I know I can’t,” Neil looks amused. “I didn’t know you could.”

“If you tell Nicky, you’re dead meat,” Andrew warns him. “Me and Aaron have gotten him to cater every family gathering claiming incompetence and I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon.”

Breakfast is suitably delicious, as are Neil’s lips.

They end up making out against the kitchen counters, on his plush new couch, the bean bags, and the carpet once they fall out of them. Andrew doesn’t think he’ll ever tire of kissing Neil stupid.

It's that thought that keeps him occupied long enough for Neil to notice.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks, fingers curled around a lock of Andrew’s hair.

Andrew sighs. “What happens next? I have to leave tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Neil says. “When are you coming back?”

Andrew laughs incredulously. “It’s not that easy.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t put my life on pause.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Neil says. “I’m just asking to work me into it. We don’t have to make any big decisions. We’re dating.”

Andrew feels the smile on his face grow wide at that. “Dating.”

“Exactly,” Neil smiles right back. “We’ll figure it out. And in the meantime, I’m staying right here.”

“That better be a fucking promise.”

“Promise,” Neil says, sealing it with a firm kiss. “I’ll start researching snoring remedies tomorrow.”

“I fucking hate you, Josten.”