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Tine could admit that maybe, just maybe, he’d been somewhat, slightly, little bit oblivious.
Could you blame him, though? For so long he’d considered himself straight; he liked girls and only girls. Then along comes this stupid, handsome, attentive asshole with a great voice and even greater taste in music, and suddenly Tine’s thoughts weren’t as straight as they used to be.
It’s a lot to process.
He supposed he could thank his friends for giving him the idea to fake-date Sarawat; he wouldn’t have had his bi-awakening without it. But he’d also like to throw the same friends off a cliff because Sarawat was really nice and attractive and lots of girls were paying him attention and Tine didn’t like it.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Tine was supposed to make Sarawat jealous, not the other way around. Nancy was supposed to flirt with him, Sarawat was either supposed to blow up or be completely nonchalant about it, and it was supposed to answer the question of whether he actually liked Tine or not. That was what should have happened.
He was not supposed to get a pit in his stomach at the sight of girls fawning over Sarawat and taking his picture. He wasn’t supposed to remember that getting jealous was a sign of true feelings, he wasn’t supposed to be gripped with the sudden desire to walk over to Sarawat and rip him out of the girl’s clutches, and he definitely wasn’t supposed to remember the feel of Sarawat’s lips on his.
A drunken kiss but a kiss all the same. Impatient, almost desperate, but soft and full of feelings that sent Tine’s thoughts and emotions reeling out of control.
You are reserved, Sarawat had said. Don’t ever hit on anyone.
But they were only fake-dating. It was only supposed to be to get Green to stop his advances. Real feelings were never supposed to come into the equation, and yet—
And yet—
And yet Tine was stalking away from the bar feeling hurt and confused, trying to put as much distance between him and Sarawat as he could. He needed to go home, he needed to think about this, he needed to figure out what this feeling meant. He needed—
“Tine!”
The familiar, infuriating, soothing, smooth voice sounded from behind him and Tine froze in his tracks. Damn it, he didn’t want to do this now; he was a mess. He needed to go and process how he’d been so oblivious to his own feelings. He needed to process everything, not stop and keep arguing with Sarawat.
But Tine still stopped and turned around, watching with that tight, pained feeling in his chest as his fake boyfriend jogged towards him. It was slowly dawning on him that he would always stop when Sarawat called his name.
Sarawat stopped in front of him, looking as unruffled and beautiful as ever, despite clearly racing after him. God, Tine was mad at him but still couldn’t deny how attractive he was, still couldn’t deny that he felt better in his presence despite how desperate he was to get away from him mere moments ago. How dare Sarawat do this to him? Tine used to be Mr. Chic, cool and calm with dating and confident in his ability with the ladies. Now he was a disaster and had absolutely no idea what he was doing or feeling.
All because of Sarawat Guntithanon.
“What?” Tine snapped at him, keen for the conversation to be over as soon as possible.
Sarawat didn’t reply, he just stood there in silence and studied him. Tine didn’t know what to make of his expression. It looked like a cross between suspicious and hopeful; like a child given a present he wasn’t sure he could keep.
Tine was annoyed at how it made his own feeling of hope bloom in his heart, but he wasn’t going to just stand there while Sarawat stared at him wordlessly. He had feelings to go and process, Scrubb songs to listen to whilst doing it, and maybe some ice cream to eat while he was at it.
“Forget it,” he said, turning away.
“Wait!” Sarawat grabbed his arm and stopped him from moving. His voice sounded panicked, perhaps desperate, before he took a breath and asked softly, “What did that mean?”
Tine sighed in frustration and turned back around. “What did what mean?”
“You said you were jealous. What—what did that mean?” Tine had never heard Sarawat stumble over his words before, never heard his voice sound so vulnerable. “And if it means what I think it means, did you even listen to the lyrics of that song at all? There’s nothing—”
Tine tore his arm away. “Well, what do you think it means, Sarawat, you asshole?! Everything made sense before you came along. I was fine, I knew what I was doing, and now—” he took a deep breath. “I can’t do this right now—it’s too much. Just leave me alone.”
Unable to take any more, he walked away. Tine walked quickly, trying to get out of there as soon as possible, but a traitorous part of him wanted Sarawat to call his name, to race after him again and make him stay. Tine squashed that feeling down as hard as he could, forcing himself to think of anything else—music chords, girls, Scrubb lyrics, anything—instead of Sarawat.
But when he made it back to the quiet of his own apartment, he couldn’t keep the thoughts at bay for long. As he lay in bed and tried to sleep, they came back in full force. It seemed the harder he tried not to think about the other man, the more entrenched in his mind Sarawat became.
No matter how good people are at keeping it inside, jealousy always appears when they see someone else approaching the ones they like, Fong’s words echoed in his ears. But love is not easy to prove like in dramas. It’s a lot more complicated than that. Sometimes you need to take it slow and let time tell you.
Was that what was happening now? Was time finally telling him how he felt?
He thought back over every interaction with Sarawat. From their first meeting—keep looking at me like that and I will kiss you till you drop—and oh god, why was Tine blushing at the memory of that? To their last interaction at the club, where Sarawat went out of his way to play Tine the Scrubb song he’d missed.
Did you even listen to the lyrics of that song at all? Sarawat had asked.
Of course he listened, it was a Scrubb song and Tine always listened to Scrubb songs. He’d even sung along. But, he supposed, he might not have taken the meaning in, as it was kind of hard to listen to anything over the roaring in his ears and the realisation that had shaken him to the core.
It doesn’t matter who you like, just look at me, he recalled the lyrics and the smooth, passionate way Sarawat sang them. It doesn’t matter what the reality is, all I know is that you are the one in my heart.
Tine groaned and shoved his head into a pillow. He was overthinking this. Or was he underthinking it? What was Sarawat trying to tell him with the song? Why was he jealous? What did it mean? How was he supposed to act around his fake boyfriend when he was suddenly attracted to him?
Tine gasped and sat up in shock. Attracted? What did he mean attracted? Sure, Sarawat was attractive, but anyone with eyes could see that. He had soft, perfect hair and a hard-won smile that felt like a victory every time Tine saw it. His eyes were so emotive, even when Sarawat was quiet around most people. That didn’t mean that he wanted to—
The memory of Sarawat’s kiss flashed through his mind once more. Of soft lips and gentle hands cradling him like he was something precious.
Tine screamed into the pillow. He was getting nowhere trying to sort out his feelings.
Tine remembered everything the next morning, so the only logical move was to act like he forgot it all. If he acted like he didn’t know anything, then he could have more time to think about it and come to some kind of conclusion—whatever that would be.
Of course, life didn’t give him any time to sort himself out. Life saw him struggling and decided to add even more to Tine’s already confused pile of emotions.
Sarawat knew Green and P’Dim were dating? He knew there was no reason for them to fake date in the first place? Sarawat knew Tine from the Scrubb concert the year before? He was just taking Tine for a fool? Sarawat liked Earn? There was too much for Tine to wrap his head around.
And on top of all that, they weren’t fake dating anymore.
How was he supposed to make sense of anything, when Sarawat wasn’t there for him to talk to about it? Sarawat respected Tine’s decision to stop the fake dating, of course, but Tine didn’t realise how much he would miss him when he was gone. He started imagining Sarawat everywhere, and his chest hurt when he realised it wasn’t real. It felt like he was losing his mind, but he couldn’t deny that there was a Sarawat-sized hole in his life.
So the only reasonable course of action was to find Sarawat and demand some answers. Unfortunately, that meant running into the guy with the eyebrows and having to pull Sarawat away before the two of them came to blows. Unfortunately, it meant that both he and Sarawat were tense as they started talking, and argued like they always did.
Fortunately, it ended better than their usual arguments.
Tine had been nervous, confused, with his hands fidgeting at his sides. But Sarawat cut off his protests about Earn with a kiss, just as quick and chaste as their first one. His hands cupped Tine’s cheek and neck, but there was a desperation to it; a silent plea for Tine to understand his feelings.
It was over so quickly that Tine didn’t have a chance to close his eyes before Sarawat pulled back and spoke. “Just so you know, Earn already has a boyfriend. And the only one I’ve always had feelings for is you, Tine. I like you. I’ve liked you since the second I saw you.”
The breath caught in Tine’s lungs and he felt overwhelmed. He didn’t know where to look and his eyes darted all over Sarawat’s face. All he could see there was complete and utter sincerity; Sarawat meant every word he was saying.
But Tine still had questions and he pushed Sarawat away, wanting to know why he refused to help him from the beginning. Sarawat just seemed to think it was obvious, how he couldn’t approach Tine because Tine liked girls and there was no way he would think of Sarawat as anything more.
He said such beautiful things that it was hard to contain the feelings in Tine’s chest. It was hard to swallow the words he wanted to say as he listened to Sarawat speak. But he would listen properly this time and wouldn’t be oblivious. He would listen to what Sarawat was saying, even if it wasn’t through Scrubb lyrics, or cheesy pick up lines, or tender, heartfelt actions. Sarawat had been saying the same thing over and over since their fake relationship began and Tine was finally, finally listening.
He was sorry it took him so long to hear it.
“I didn’t talk to you,” Sarawat said. “I didn’t go to see you. I did what you asked. I thought I could handle it. But when I saw you with someone else, I don’t think I can stop my feelings anymore.”
“And do you think I can?” the words burst out of Tine, unable to keep them in anymore.
There was something marvellous about the soft expression on Sarawat’s face as Tine spoke, going over everything he had felt over the last few days. Sarawat looked at Tine in awe, like he couldn’t believe the words he was saying, but was delighted to hear them regardless. Hope shone in his eyes and it was so much better than the hurt that was there when Tine ended their fake relationship.
“Are you going to take responsibility for what you did?”
Are you going to take responsibility for making me fall for you?
Because that was what had happened. Tine might have spent the last few days confused out of his mind and having a sexuality crisis, but it was clear how he felt when Sarawat was standing right in front of him and Tine just wanted to be closer. How Sarawat gently patting his head didn’t feel like enough. How it was impossible to honour Sarawat’s request and keep his heart open for him when Sarawat had already taken residence there.
“So fast,” he said, as Sarawat continued to stroke his hair.
“Huh?”
“You always kiss me so fast and then pull away before I can respond.” Tine pulled Sarawat’s hand away from his head and pressed a gentle kiss to it. “You kiss me so quickly I don’t even have the chance to close my eyes.”
He let go of Sarawat’s hand to step closer to him, reaching up to cup his face like Sarawat had done to him twice before. His ex-fake-hopefully-future-real boyfriend looked wide-eyed, nervous and eager all at once. Tine felt the same, but his stomach burned with the desire, the need, to do and say what he was about to do.
“And if you won’t take responsibility for that,” he whispered as he leant in. “Then I will.”
Tine closed his eyes and kissed him, a soft sigh falling from his lips as Sarawat wrapped his arms around him and they melted into one another. It was chaste at first, as both of Sarawat’s previous kisses had been, but it soon turned heated as they soon gave into emotions that had been building for days, weeks, and in Sarawat’s case, a year.
Tine pulled away slightly, just enough for him to look into Sarawat’s eyes as the pair of them caught their breath. He had something very important to say.
“You are reserved,” he said, softly but firmly. “Don’t ever hit on anyone.”
Sarawat smiled, besotted. “Okay, Nuisance, I won’t. I promise. There’s never been anyone for me besides you, anyway.”
Tine grinned fondly at the familiar nickname. “Asshole,” he whispered against Sarawhat’s lips.
Then he kissed him again, soft and slow, simply because he could. Because he wanted to, because he’d finally listened and they had finally talked. Because Sarawat Guntithanon was beautiful and patient and deserved all the kisses Tine could give him.
Their fake relationship had ended, but as he felt Sarawat smile against his lips—wide and bright instead of his usual smirk—Tine was ready for their real one to start.