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“I promise, you’ll come to no harm. I’m... here to help…”
Malcolm ended his show with a sigh, unable to think of anything but how amused Danielle had sounded when she’d said “I don’t trust you!”. As if that was the most obvious thing in the world. And maybe it was. He hadn’t been of much help or very trustworthy lately, but even then it hurt like hell.
His mood wasn’t about Danielle, specifically. He didn’t even know her unless having her on the line for a few minutes to talk about magical wallpapers counted. They didn’t even really have anything in common as far as he could tell. Yes he did enjoy watching people fix up houses occasionally but not to the extent of buying a house himself and fixing it up just to sell it for money. He very much enjoyed his room on the campus, thank you very much. Or maybe he just knew enough about the supernatural to know better than to buy abandoned homes. But talking to Danielle was just another reminder of how he hadn’t been able to really save anyone lately.
Sure, Mike was alive and well… as far as he could tell at least. But he also hated him now so that wasn’t really a win. Thinking about it...the last person he’d actually managed to save in the last months had been that student, Diana, who had been caught in the most basic of supernatural phenomena. The others- the poor girl who had caught the attention of the Unwelcome Riders? She was gone. Not really because of him but then he should have been able to save her anyway. And Amanda? Probably already claimed by whatever the Black Door was. And even if she was still fully herself… the Salesman would never let her go. He knew that for a fact, one wasn’t one of the best parapsychologists in America for this long without getting to know the Travelling Salesman well. A bit too well in his case.
Though in his defense, he’d known him before. Before he’d stopped being referred to as Julian Holloway and started being the Travelling Salesman. When Julian, Amelia, Malcolm and Miranda had been inseparable and the world had been a playground, made to be conquered and not feared. When he had dreaded and loved the paranormal wildly without thinking about real lives and the consequences his actions would have. The truth was, he wasn’t any good under pressure. When people came at him asking about unexpected things like doors or conspiracy theories… he locked up and couldn’t think quick enough to be of much use. No matter how much he tried.
Of course he’d thought about quitting before. Quitting and letting his sister Amelia handle the show. She was much faster at thinking on her feet and she was just as qualified as he was. Maybe even more. But then he’d remember why he did this show in the first place and he’d endure it all. He would have loved to be selfless enough to do his show to save people. And sure, that was a reason why someone like him would do a radio show. It just wasn’t his main motivation, that didn’t mean he didn’t care about helping people however. Otherwise losing callers or their trust wouldn’t drag him down as much.
But no, in reality he spoke every word hoping that that Julian would hear it. That he would hear him talk about monsters and … sometimes about Julian and that his heart would jump just a little at the sound of his voice. Just like old times. The Holloways had always looked for an adventure and their untamed, bubbly laughter and energy had been infectious. And so, naturally he had come with them on many of their trips to strange and haunted places. And naturally he had fallen madly in love with them. Not both at the same time, obviously. He had always had a soft spot for Julian, but he had also been in love with the concept of being one of them.
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Years ago:
It had started as a dare in their first week on campus. They had all been babyfaced and soft back then but still, that fire had already burned in the eyes of the twins and he had already been attracted to it. Like a moth caught by the light of a candle. “I dare you to go to the ghost library and steal a book from one of the shelves. Doesn’t matter which one.” Miranda had said, not even looking at them.
She’d been playing with a strand of her long, purple hair, twisting it around her finger again and again until the tip of the finger turned red. She hadn’t adressed one of them specifically so she probably meant all of them. Amelia laughed dismissively and shook her head. She had always been too smart to do something stupid for a dare. “
Thanks but I’ll pass. I have better things to do. Like taking my studies seriously. And after that…. saving my idiot little brother and friend from the library, probably.” Malcolm had laughed fondly. His love for his sister was unending. While their family had always been a bit weird and messed up in some ways, at least from an outsider's perspective he’d never stopped looking at her with the unconditional trust of a younger sibling. She would always jump to save him and he knew he’d do the same if he ever had to. But so far that hadn’t really happened because she was the careful one of the two of them. “
Let’s go then.” Julian had said with a grin so wide and irresistible it made his heart feel like he was falling into a bottomless pit. He had never really understood why people said that smiling made people prettier but Julian radiated light when he smiled. He was the sun and Malcolm never wanted to stop bathing in that ethereal light. “If you’re scared you can take my hand.” Malcolm most definitely hadn’t been scared but he’d taken the hand anyway.
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“I’ve heard his show - what Malcolm says about me.” he couldn’t stop repeating that part of the voicemail Andy had left. Usually he’d delete the mail after listening or he’d do a follow up. But he couldn’t bring himself to delete the ones about the Salesman. Of course he wasn’t the same man he’d once known. They’d grown older and … apart. But still. After all this time he still had a special place in his soul.
And even if he was someone else now, the thought of Julian listening to his show made him as happy as ever. The thought made him cringe just a little. He didn’t like being so easily manipulated by people from his past. Even if those people were a certain Holloway. Especially after what they’d done to each other.
That night he dreamed of Julian. Of course he did. Even after ten years he would still dream about him a few times a year but lately it had been more than that. Since Amanda had told him she’d seen the Salesman in her museum he’d barely had a single night without a dream. Usually they’d be scenes from their past or just stills that might have happened but could also have been something he’d simply imagined: Holding hands on the roof of a haunted house, Julian's face buried in his neck, a kiss in the car on the way back to the uni campus.
Ten years had made the memories soft and round, like shards of glass washed in the ocean. But sometimes he’d dream of what happened almost ten years ago and that still hurt just as bad as it had back then.
“It is my nature to be who and … what I am. And I’m sorry, you know I would die for you if I had to. But I won’t change for you.” Julian had said and Malcolm had known it was true.
“I can’t believe you...do you even hear yourself? You sound like I just asked you to bring out the trash every now and then and not to stop fucking killing innocent people!” He should have been in the right and in every other relationship he would have been. But this had never been a normal relationship and he’d known that. He’d always known it, he’d just refused to believe that his fiance was more than “gifted”. That he was a monster.
“You can just look away. Everyone deserves what’s coming for them in way or another. They all lie and cheat and steal. What does it matter if I offer them a deal? Their life is so short it barely matters at all. So why would the death of someone you don’t know matter to you? Especially when it weighs against me?"
"Don't try to manipulate me, please." it was weird to hear his own voice pleading like this when he normally tried to shape opinions. And in the memories the words echoed, the pitch changed again and again until the sentence seemed laughable and desperate. Until the words were a rope wrapped around his throat and he was choking and trapped like an animal, desperate to free itself from this situation he'd found himself in. "if you truly can't change… then leave me please. I want to be with you, Julian. Not the travelling salesman."
Julian laughed a sad laugh. "You know your wish would be my command. But I can't just leave you. We’re bound, love. When you asked me to marry you we bound ourselves to each other in a way that can't be separated. And anyway there is no difference between Julian and the traveling salesman. We're the same person."
He pulled on the thin silver ring on his finger as if to show that it wouldn't come off, no matter how much he tried. And sure enough it didn't and Malcolm knew it wouldn't come off, ever. Not without Julians finger.
But still that wasn't the dream he had that night. It was a new dream, not one of the scenes he knew. And the man on his dreams was older, too. But just as handsome as he'd been. And of course he only had nine fingers. Julian had many talents but regrowing parts of his body wasn’t one of them. And besides, even then he’d probably have kept it as a reminder.
"Apologies for just dropping in but I wrote to you… I even called you but you didn't answer." his voice was soft and smooth and just the way he remembered it to be. Malcolm felt a shiver running down his spine, not quite fear but something like it. A calling he could only feel when he was with Julian. The call of what he- what they could be together.
“I must say that I missed you. I thought I’d be angry or sad at seeing you again. I hoped I wouldn’t feel anything at all. But still, here I am like a young fool in love. Trying to court you in your own dreams.” He flashed a charming smile and cupped Malcolms face with his hand, the missing finger a constant reminder of who he was nowadays. And who he had been.
“For years I thought you’d stopped loving me. I abandoned all hope at getting you back. After all, you … really seemed to mean it when you separated our bond. And truth be told, that hurt a lot. But then, out of the blue I hear you talking about me on your show unprompted. Calling me handsome. Can you imagine the face I made at that? It had been so long but still, hearing my name on your lips felt like no time had passed at all.” Malcolm couldn’t stop himself from leaning into the soft touch and yearning for more. But he wouldn’t let himself give in. He’d sacrificed too much to just run back to Julian at the first opportunity.
“Have you changed your mind, then? About who you could be… about what we could be?” The hesitation in Julian's voice almost killed him but still he shook his head and betraying his own heart in the process. But just as Julian he wouldn’t change for a man. “I should have known. But even so, it’s good to see you again. To be back on campus with you.”
Malcolm felt himself smiling at Julian. Just like when they’d been young. “How’s Amelia doing? Is she still the smartest Ryder sibling?” he nodded. Of course she was, some things never changed.
“What about Miranda? Have you heard from her at all?”
A shadow passed over Julians face. They had never talked about New Hampshire. They hadn’t been talking at all back then, both tending to their wounds from the breakup. But still, Malcolm knew he got the 603 calls too. “Only silence.” he nodded again. Slower this time. New Hampshire wasn’t a laughing matter.
Then he got distracted by the way Julians thumb on the corner of his mouth. It was a gentle and oh, it made him shiver again. He wanted nothing more than to press his face into Julians hair and to stop thinking about what he had done. What both of them had done at this point. He wanted to be kissed senseless and to forget about the value of human life, just to be with him again. But alas, he couldn’t. But he couldn’t let Julian go either. It wasn’t exactly the dilemma he’d thought he’d ever be faced with and still, here he was.
“It is… nice to see you. Despite everything that happened” he admitted, swallowing his pride and letting go of his common sense. Julian grinned, his face lighting up with something like triumph or hope. It had been long enough that Malcolm couldn’t quite tell anymore, though he’d been able to read him once.
“Does that mean I can come back?” His brain screamed at that, warning him to say no but he was done denying his heart its wishes, as long as Julian knew where he stood.
“I think… I think I would like that.”
“Goodnight then. Sweet dreams.” Julian kissed him goodbye as if nothing had happened at all. The kiss made his legs get so weak he’d have fallen if Julian hadn’t held him. He hadn’t been kissed in so long, he’d almost forgotten how it felt. And when he pulled away and started to fade from his dream, Malcolm was still basically unable to form actual sentences. A dangerous state to speak in. But still he called out after him.
“Wait. Julian. I actually… kept your ring. I guess... Um, you could have it back if you wanted? I still. Erm you know I don’t like your job. But if you wanted it, you’d only have to say the word.”
“Darling, it was your ring before that. Are you sure you want me to have it again? I can’t promise that won’t renew the bond we had. And I need you to understand that I’ll never let you hurt me again.”
Malcolm smiled weakly, knowing full well how much of a bad idea this was. But then he’d always been the hot Ryder sibling. Not the smart one with self control. So he held out his to Julian, ignoring the future that was to come and giving in.
When he woke up, the travelling salesman was gone. He had been there, though. Malcolm was sure of that. Not only was his ring gone but he’d also left a smudge of black sand on Malcolm's lips.