Work Text:
𝘒𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘒𝘰𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘷'𝘴:
It was night. I was in my room, lying on my bed, thinking about everything that happened. Thinking about how much I loved him and the way he played with my feelings.
People expected me to make a decision. But that was difficult and I didn't know if that was the right thing to do. But I had friends and I knew they were right there in the room. Ready to help me. Regardless of the situation.
So I just make a decision in the middle of a sigh.
I get up and walk around the apartment that looked sadder than usual.
Matt and Pidge look at me and I give them a reassuring smile. I thank the two Italians for being with me at that moment.
My face said that I was crying a little bit, but they knew that I preferred that nobody said anything about it.
I take out my cell phone and look at the number that was there. I take a deep breath and sit between them.
– Did you make your decision? – Pidge looks at me.
– We are here for you, Keith. Regardless of what you have chosen. We just don't want to see you suffer for someone else who doesn't deserve you. You went through this once ... And now it is happening again, we don't want to see you hurt any more – Matt says affectionately. – I want you to know that you are very brave for doing this.
That was a lie. I was a coward, always running from the things that hurt me. Only now I was more than tired of it, so I took the courage to get my cell phone and end everything.
– Can I do this alone? – I asked without looking at them and they just get up going to another place in the apartment.
I take a deep breath and put the phone in to dial.
Flame. Call and call, until you drop into the message box. Deep breath. It's better this way. Not having to deal with him on the other end of the line would be better for me at least. Doing this without him is better. So I start:
–Salut Shiro, c'est moi, Keith, encore.
Je suis déjà fatigué. Et quelqu'un m'a peut-être aidé à mieux voir.
Ceci est le dernier message que je laisse et je tiens à préciser que je vous aime.
Seulement Really?
Je ne comprend pas
En fait je ne sais pas pourquoi tu me fait comme ça, je crois
Je mérite mieux que toi, tu sais
Mais n'importe ce que tu fais je te veux
Et je me ne comprend pas, vraiment pas
Pourquoi je fais ça?
Pourquoi tu te fais ça?
Franchement je ne sais pas, je sais plu
Ça doit arrêter, arrêter tout de suite
I hung up the phone and propped my head on the couch. Look up while holding the crying as much as I can.
It didn't help for long because I was crying loudly, making Pidge and Matt run to my side and hug me.
I made it. I still want you. I still love you.
So why did you do all this to me? Why did you pretend to care about me?
– Hey Keith, everything will be fine. We are here for you. – Pidge says fondly stroking my head, and it makes my crying increase.
– You did the right thing, Keith, don't worry anymore. – Matt says and stays with me. I knew that they had listened, I just didn't allow myself to be angry, in that situation I was really grateful for them. At least they didn't abandon me as everyone always does.
Oh Shiro. I really don't know what to do now.
Keith off
Shiro on
I heard Keith's audio. Only at that moment, I was about to get too high.
I was about to go to bed with someone I met at a club.
It's because? Well, it's hard to explain. I just like to be like this, to have no one. I like to always be able to go out with someone else, who like me, deep down, doesn't even care to know the name of who's taking to bed. Or that you just don't care how you feel. If you are feeling well. Alive. Or if you're dying inside.
They, like me, don't care about that.
I really felt a little pain in my chest.
I knew I was hurting Keith, but I wasn't ready for all of that.
I was not ready now to leave it all. Leave my life.
I would like to say that I am sorry for ruining your plans, Little Keith. I really would.
I know what I did was not cool. And I want to be a little more of a man to come to you and ask you to forgive me.
I wish to be the person you wanted to be in your plans. With you. Holding your hand. Having something really serious. Having someone to love you.
But I am sorry to say that this person is not me.
I know it's time to screw up your plans, I wish I were more of a man than that.
I just finished one night and now I'm going home after saying goodbye to the girl. Julia or Joanna. I don't remember your name well and I'm not even going to remember.
And again I hear your message.
I don't think you understand yet.
You didn't understand that I not only neglected you, but I also neglected your love.
You once told me that I owed you one. You helped me a lot that day. He stood by me and said he would help me to let go of these stupid addictions.
He said he would help me heal and that he would love me.
It was an ordinary night. And I wasn't stoned or anything. It was just a little night out with you. The streets with square bricks and the moon in the sky make everything visibly melancholy and romantic. You told me about your big dreams. About his passions and disappointments while trying to balance himself on the curb.
You are full of life. He has love to give even for small things, although he is always dreaming and showing me that I could dream about 99 ¢.
I remember that night you showed me one of those dreams. I remember it made me happy with trivial things.
I remember you pulling my hand over the curb and challenging me to balance myself with you. You laughed and looked so happy just because you were with me. And that night, he said again that he loved me.
And again, I knew I didn't deserve such beautiful love.
It was a beautiful day and we were together. A date maybe? It could be considered one. Until my friends saw me with you and asked if you were really with me, I was selfish enough to say no.
That I didn't even know you.
And you heard everything and looked at me sadly before just leaving saying that you had mistaken me for someone else.
It was the first time that I didn't see the usual fire dancing in his eyes.
I knew, at that moment, that I had ruined everything.
But I think I was wrong. Because you came back to me, and this time I promised not to do that anymore. I promised I would do things straight. I promised not to ruin myself on Ozone. I broke all these empty promises.
I saw you sitting that day waiting for me. I was late, but there you were, still waiting for me. And I knew that you felt alone. I knew I was having to put up with looks on you. Looks full of "Look, poor guy, He ended up being alone". But even so, I made the mistake of going back and getting lost in white lines and smoke from all the cigarettes I could smoke with my friends. Being sober was too tedious. Even with you by my side. Things were still boring. I just was not able to realize that, even stoned, I was still bored and empty.
I saw when you entered the bar always looking for me, only I just ignored you. If he wanted company he would call his friends. I'm sure they would come as soon as they ended the call, as they are your real friends. That's what you always tell me when we're together.
Hearing that was a little painful. But for that, a bottle of tequila and a few pills were enough to make you forget that. Forget I'm sick in the head.
You said I owed you one, since you took me home and took care of me again.
what time was this? ?? The 5th?
And I regretted that I needed reasons to live and you showed me all possible with a kind smile and an I love you in the end. But I don't deserve your love. Or I just don't want it.
I need some reasons to live, maybe you can show me some
And I know that I need you. That it is a lie and idiocy to deny it. But here I go. Running from that. Running away from you and your love.
I wish I could shout that. My head screams. And I wonder if I'm really sick.
I will get tired of it all one of these days. To feel numb. I know that.
The moment will come when I will tire of running away from you and reality.
I know that you will help me again. I know why you are too good.
But I don't know if I will have your love again. I don't know if I would neglect you again. Only I know myself well enough to say that I don't really love you.
I only need you. I do not love you.
It is my decision. I wouldn't do any of that anymore. But I had one last thing to do.
As soon as I get home, I take out my cell phone and call Keith.
Fuck whether it was dawn or not.
Danse if he would answer or fall into the message box.
I'm not man enough to say face to face. But I am man enough to at least answer that.
I don't love you and I need you to understand that.
– Hey Keith Je voulais juste dire que je suis désolé. Et je veux que vous vous excusiez pour tout.
Mais je ne peux plus te faire ça et j'espère que tu trouveras quelqu'un qui t'aime comme tu l'aimes.
Je suis vraiment désolé de ne pas être cette personne. Mais c'est la vérité.
Alors au revoir.
I leave the message in the message box and take a shower.
Enough of all this.