Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Act I Scene i

BARD enters.

BARD: Oh, the things we do for love -

Feats beyond o'er and above!

Fools and men alike are made -

JULIET and LADY enter.

JULIET: And women too - 

LADY: - have their day -

JULIET and LADY exit as BARD graciously tips his hat to them.

BARD: - in... this…

Tragically comedic,

Sometimes rather basic -

Play!

BARD exits.

ROMEO and MERCUTIO enter on stage. 

ROMEO: Oh my god, she's beautiful.

MERCUTIO: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore am I thine friend?

ROMEO: What's that supposed to mean?

MERCUTIO: Yesterday you said Rosaline was beautiful.

BENVOLIO enters a few paces behind them.

ROMEO: I was a child then! I didn't know what beauty meant! What love meant!

MERCUTIO: And I suppose you've matured in the last twenty-four hours.

ROMEO: I am a plant, blossoming in her sun! Can you introduce me, Mercutio?

MERCUTIO: What makes you think I know her?

ROMEO: I saw you buy some puff off her at school, now will you just… please?

MERCUTIO: I guess it won't make a difference, since you'll be over her by tomorrow. (to JULIET) Jules! This is Romeo. He likes guns, bad poetry, and romantic comedies.

JULIET: (to ROMEO) You need a new wingman. Or maybe a new personality.

ROMEO: Perhaps you'll permit me to woo you personally, then?

JULIET: The Notebook or Love Actually ?

ROMEO: Trick question. The answer is both.

JULIET: I suppose you'll do.

ROMEO and JULIET link arms and exit.

BENVOLIO: Yo, Mercutio! Was that Juliet Capulet? As in daughter of the Montague mob's sworn rival, Duncan Capulet?

MERCUTIO: Benvolio, you have literally the worst timing! You couldn't have mentioned that sooner? 

BENVOLIO: I mean, I could've but then this wouldn't be funny.

MERCUTIO runs after ROMEO off stage.

Act I Scene ii

GANG MEMBER 1 and 2 enter on stage.

GANG MEMBER 1: And then Macbeth was like, "Not so fast, scumbag!" and they were like, "No, please, we didn't steal from Duncan!" and he was like, "Do I look like I was born yesterday?" and they were like, "No, no, please, you've got the wrong -" and then Macbeth was like, (points finger guns) Bang! Bang! 

GANG MEMBER 2: Wicked.

GANG MEMBER 1: Duncan's moved him up to lieutenant. No more low-level intimidation crap. 

GANG MEMBER 2: Wicked.

GANG MEMBER 1: And because I was there, I'm getting promoted too!

GANG MEMBER 2: Sweet, doing what?

GANG MEMBER 1: Low level intimidation!

GANG MEMBER 2: Wicked.

GANG MEMBER 1 and 2 exit on stage.

MACBETH and LADY enter on stage.

MACBETH: (starts walking back) I don't know if I can do this.

LADY: Not this again, Mac.

MACBETH: I’m sorry for having morals!

LADY: Chicken.

MACBETH: Am not!

LADY: Are to!

MACBETH: Well, if you're so brave, why don't you do it?

LADY: Because I'm not allowed into Duncan's office, genius! Only lieutenants! And since you are now the only one whom the rest of his men still see as one of them, no one will think twice when you run out of there screaming the Montagues did it!

MACBETH: I don't scream. I yell. In a manly way.

LADY: Sure, whatever.

MACBETH: I can kill him. For you. For us.

LADY: Can you?

MACBETH: Yeah.

LADY: I'll believe it when I see it.

MACBETH exits.

LADY exits in the opposite direction.

Act I scene iii

ROMEO and JULIET are talking quietly. HAMLET is drinking by himself.

MACBETH enters.

MACBETH: It's Duncan! A Montague assassin has killed him! 

HAMLET and JULIET: Father!

MACBETH: He went out the window! Hamlet! Get Laertes, Banquo and MacDuff! We're going after him!

MACBETH and HAMLET exit.

ROMEO: (to JULIET) I… should go.

JULIET: Oh, sure, you leave me too!

ROMEO: I knew you'd understand.

MERCUTIO enters.

MERCUTIO: (to ROMEO) We have to go.

BENVOLIO enters.

BENVOLIO: Okay, this is decidedly less funny than I thought this was going to be.

JULIET: You - You're the Montague brothers!

ROMEO, MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO: Shh!

JULIET: (to ROMEO) But you were with me the whole time, so you couldn't have killed him!

ROMEO: But you see why I must go, though I so grieve for you. Organized crime has lost a great man.

JULIET: Thank you.

MERCUTIO: Let's go already!

ROMEO: Until we meet again, fair Juliet!

JULIET: And tell me what you think about She's the Man !

ROMEO, MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO exit.

JULIET exits in the opposite direction.

Chapter Text

Act II scene i

BARD enters.

BARD: So let's let the plotters plot!

All's well that ends well, 'till not!

Souls may be plundered,

Cast asunder,

Where they're sure to rot.

BARD exits.

MACBETH, HAMLET and JULIET enter. POLONIUS enters several paces behind them, hidden by a curtain.

MACBETH: I want you both to go with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to the safe house. 

HAMLET: Duncan was my father! It’s my duty to run the family business now that he’s gone! To seek revenge on the Montagues!

MACBETH: Leave it to me and the other lieutenants. If they succeed in wiping out the Capulet family, we’re done for. Our first priority is keeping you safe. Give me your phones and such devices.

JULIET: What? Why?

MACBETH: So they can’t trace you.

HAMLET: (aside) We won’t be able to call anyone for help either.

HAMLET and JULIET give their phones to MACBETH.

MACBETH: I’ll send someone to pick you up when we’ve eliminated the threat. Go now. 

HAMLET and JULIET exit.

POLONIUS exits in the opposite direction.

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter.

MACBETH: Kill them.

ROSENCRANTZ: Wait, who?

GUILDENSTERN: The Montagues, idiot.

ROSENCRANTZ: I mean, always.

GUILDENSTERN: What? You’re always an idiot? Yeah, we know.

ROSENCRANTZ: No, I mean we’re always killing the Montagues!

MACBETH: Not this time.

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN: Huh?

MACBETH: I didn’t want to say it out in the open, to keep the mob together, but Hamlet’s the one who killed his father. Juliet was the lookout. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Damn!

GUILDENSTERN: Kids these days, man!

MACBETH: I am placing my utmost trust in you both. Take care of this discreetly.

ROSENCRANTZ: We won’t let you down, boss!

GUILDENSTERN: Aye, aye!

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit. 

MACBETH exits in the opposite direction.

Act II scene ii

ROMEO is pacing.

POLONIUS enters.

ROMEO: Polonius! My favourite double agent! What news of Juliet?

POLONIUS: What news, he asks! What news I have, indeed! I stealthily spied on the siblings, Hamlet and Juliet. They looked shaken, of course, their father was just brutally murdered in cold blood! You didn’t have anything to do with it, did you? I mean, not personally, at least? Ah, no matter, it’s none of my business. Like you said, I’m a fantastic double agent! They never knew I was there! Macbeth, the Capulets’ brave new leader, spoke to them. He is wise too, that Macbeth! They’re putting her and Hamlet in the safe house.

ROMEO: Can you take me to it?

POLONIUS: Of course! I know exactly where it is! It’s a nondescript bungalow. You’d never guess the kinds of people they’d hidden away there. I can take you there directly! My usual fees apply, naturally. 

ROMEO: Yes, yes, very well. Let’s go! Quickly!

POLONIUS and ROMEO exit.

Act ii scene iii

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN pace in opposite directions and bump into each other in the middle.

ROSENCRANTZ: Move. 

GUILDENSTERN: No, you move.

ROSENCRANTZ: If I move, you kill them.

GUILDENSTERN: What? Both of them?

ROSENCRANTZ: One of them’s a pubescent wimp and the other is a girl.

GUILDENSTERN: That girl is deadly with a dagger! I’m not going anywhere near her!

ROSENCRANTZ: Fine, I’ll kill the girl, it’s no big deal. There are two of us and two of them.

GUILDENSTERN: Even odds are good. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Alright, on three. One -

BANQUO and MACDUFF enter.

BANQUO: Rosencrantz.

MACDUFF: Guildenstern.

ROSENCRANTZ: Banquo. 

GUILDENSTERN: MacDuff.

BANQUO: Hamlet inside?

ROSENCRANTZ: And Juliet.

GUILDENSTERN: Both safe and sound and definitely not dead.

MACDUFF: O-kay, then.

BANQUO and MACDUFF exit. 

ROSENCRANTZ: (to GUILDENSTERN) Idiot.

GUILDENSTERN: Well, if you hadn’t wanted to go on three -

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, if you hadn’t been such a pussy -

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit, bickering. 

Act ii scene iv

HAMLET is sitting alone. BANQUO and MACDUFF enter. 

HAMLET: Did you find the killer?

BANQUO: Yes, and he’s been right in our midst all along.

MACDUFF: Can the guards hear us from outside?

HAMLET: Juliet’s been wailing about some Roman kid or something and they haven’t come running to see if she’s being murdered.

BANQUO: There were no footprints outside the window in the mud, even though it had just rained. 

MACDUFF: And Macbeth said the killer jumped out the window.

BANQUO: We found other inconsistencies when we pressed him for details.

MACDUFF: But the most glaring piece of evidence is the bullet we found.

BANQUO: It’s the right caliber for Macbeth’s signature revolver. 

HAMLET: The lying usurper! I’ll kill that scoundrel myself!

BANQUO: We were hoping you’d say that. The other lieutenants are on our side, but Macbeth’s got the low-level men and there are more of them.

MACDUFF: But we have a plan in place. With the help of the Montague brothers, Mercutio and Benvolio, and their men, we’ll build an empire stronger than any one that’s come before.

BANQUO: Can we count on you, Hamlet? To take back what is rightfully yours?

HAMLET: (aside) To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. 

MACDUFF: Hamlet!

HAMLET: Yes?

MACDUFF: The plan. It doesn’t work if you don’t kill Macbeth.

HAMLET: (aside) Blood for more blood? So now we all bleed. So conscience does make cowards of us all, and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pitch and moment with this regard their currents turn awry and lose the name of action.

BANQUO: Hamlet! C’mon, man! Are you with us?

HAMLET: I… I am. For Father.

BANQUO: There he is!

MACDUFF: Good man!

BANQUO: We’re taking action tonight. Midnight. At the Capulet house. Don’t be late.

BANQUO and MACDUFF exit. 

HAMLET: What have I just agreed to? I can’t… I can’t possibly… I can’t very well be late if I don’t show up at all… I’m sorry, Father. I’m not like you. I’m not like Macbeth. Oh, woe is me! 

HAMLET exits.

Act II scene v

JULIET and ROMEO enter from opposite sides. POLONIUS enters a few paces behind, hidden behind a curtain.

JULIET: Romeo! What are you doing here?

ROMEO: It’s nice to see you too. 

JULIET: You shouldn’t be here! The guards will kill you!

ROMEO: You make a fool of death with your beauty!

JULIET: You stole that from a song.

ROMEO: I am the spawn of a criminal, as are you, we’re made for each other.

JULIET: Is this the part where we declare our undying love for each other and elope?

ROMEO: No, not yet, I have a whole speech prepared, if I may?

JULIET: Sure, it’s not like we could be discovered at any moment and at least one of us killed.

ROMEO: Great! (into the middle distance) But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

JULIET: Well, go on.

ROMEO: Oh, that was it. It’s a short speech. Like you said, it’s absolutely like we could be discovered at any moment and at least one of us killed. Now we can declare our undying love and elope after faking our deaths so that no one will try to stop us. 

JULIET: Do you have a more specific version of that plan?

ROMEO: No, but Mercutio does.

MERCUTIO enters.

MERCUTIO: The cars are in position. You’ll drive this one under the bridge, switch to the other one I parked there. Then when you’re clear, call this number and the trunk on this one will blow.

MERCUTIO, ROMEO, and JULIET exit. 

HAMLET enters.

HAMLET: (in the direction where POLONIUS hides) Who goes there? Macbeth, if that is you, come to finish the job, I swear I’ll riddle you with more holes than the stars of heaven!

HAMLET shoots POLONIUS behind the curtain.

POLONIUS: Oh! I’m slain! Oh, what treachery for those who are entreated to treason! 

POLONIUS falls out from behind the curtain.

HAMLET: Oh, no… That’s Laertes’ father… Ah, well, we always suspected he was a double agent and he’s just confessed. 

HAMLET exits.

Chapter Text

Act III scene i

BARD enters.

BARD: Is oft the question whether tis -

Destiny's design or mine wish?

As you take in hand your hand -

So too you take your blood and

Play! 

BARD exits.

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter.

GUILDENSTERN: Hamlet’s just killed Polonius. 

ROSENCRANTZ: (at the same time) Where’d Juliet go?

GUILDENSTERN: Didn’t you kill her already?

ROSENCRANTZ: Oh, you mean like how after seeing our poor lieutenant’s body, you most definitely, immediately took care of -

HAMLET enters.

ROSENCRANTZ: - Hamlet! What’s up, man?

HAMLET tazes ROSENCRANTZ, then GUILDENSTERN and ties them up.

HAMLET: (aside) I could not find Juliet anywhere. They must have gotten to her. Oh, I have delayed too long, dear sister. I will avenge you and Father. I will go home!

HAMLET exits.

LAERTES enters from the opposite direction.

LAERTES: Rosencrantz! Guildenstern! Who killed my father?

ROSENCRANTZ: Laertes!

GUILDENSTERN: Hamlet’s gone mad! Killed his father and then one of the other lieutenants -

ROSENCRANTZ: - that would be your father -

GUILDENSTERN: Untie us and we’ll be of such help -

LAERTES exits in a rage.

ROSENCRANTZ: Laertes!

GUILDENSTERN: Hey! Don’t leave us!

DETECTIVE SHAKE and SPEARE enter.

SPEARE: Look what we have here, Shake.

SHAKE: Well, Speare, it looks like we’ve found ourselves a pair of mob thugs.

SPEARE: What do you have to say for yourselves, boys?

ROSENCRANTZ: We’re a wealth of information!

GUILDENSTERN: We can give you all the details on what’s going down tonight at the Capulet house!

SHAKE: Which would be?

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN: A hostile takeover by the Montagues!

SPEARE: (to radio) We need a SWAT team and organized crime unit to the Capulet house ASAP.

SPEARE exits.

ROSENCRANTZ: Hey! What about us?

SHAKE: (gets them up) Oh, yeah, we got a nice place, just for you two.

SHAKE, ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit.

Act iii scene ii

MACBETH walks across the stage, GANG MEMBER 1 and GANG MEMBER 2 behind him.

MACBETH: (stops suddenly) Can I trust you both with a task dear to my heart?

GANG MEMBER 1: Anything, Mac!

GANG MEMBER 2: We are at your service!

MACBETH: It greatly troubles me to make even this utterance. The traitors are lieutenants I’ve worked alongside for years, but I fear they may make an attempt on the lives of Hamlet and Juliet and they must be stopped! 

GANG MEMBER 1: Tell us their names -

GANG MEMBER 2: - and we will see to it that they become warnings - 

GANG MEMBER 1: - to anyone who dares defy, betray -

GANG MEMBER 2: -  or otherwise inflict wrongdoings -

GANG MEMBER 1 and 2: - on the name of Capulet!

MACBETH: Then know them, good men, for they are Banquo and MacDuff!

GANG MEMBER 1: Consider them dead.

GANG MEMBER 2: Consider them buried.

GANG MEMBERS exit. 

MACBETH: (aside) It had to be done. I had no choice. Banquo and MacDuff would take away what I have sold my soul to earn. This way, the cold blood is not on my hands. 

MACBETH exits.

Act iii scene iii

GANG MEMBER 1 and GANG MEMBER 2 enter cautiously. BANQUO and MACDUFF ambush them from behind and drag them off stage.

BANQUO and MACDUFF walk across the stage, unaware that SHAKE and SPEARE have entered behind them. SHAKE and SPEARE take them down and cuff them. 

SHAKE, SPEARE, BANQUO, and MACDUFF exit. 

Chapter Text

Act iv scene i

HAMLET enters.

HAMLET: There be my father’s house and the imposter who dares call it home!

LAERTES enters from the opposite direction.

LAERTES: My name is Laertes.

HAMLET: Uh, yeah, we've known each other since -

LAERTES: You killed my father.

HAMLET: Oh, you heard about that -

LAERTES: Prepare to die!

HAMLET shoots LAERTES in the shoulder and LAERTES shoots HAMLET in the hip. 

SHAKE and SPEARE enter from opposite sides of the stage. SHAKE kicks HAMLET’s gun away. SPEARE kicks LAERTES’ gun away.

SHAKE: We need a medic!

HAMLET: Am I dead?

LAERTES: You’re about to be!

SPEARE stops LAERTES from pouncing on HAMLET.

SPEARE, LAERTES, SHAKE and HAMLET exit. 

Act iv scene ii

SHAKE enters, a cuffed MACBETH in the lead. SPEARE enters, a cuffed LADY in the lead.

LADY: I’m sorry, Mac, it wasn’t supposed to end this way. I just wanted you to take what you so rightfully deserved!

MACBETH: Oh, Lady, and I just wanted to make you proud!

SHAKE: And I just wanted to investigate a car theft reported from a nondescript bungalow, but I guess we can’t always get what we want. 

SPEARE: I wanted to break my record for the number of arrests made in twenty-four hours and I got what I wanted.

SHAKE: Unhelpful.

MACBETH: You don’t need to rub it in.

SHAKE: He didn’t ask for your opinion!

LADY: Or yours.

SHAKE, MACBETH, SPEARE, and LADY exit. 

Act iv scene iii

ROMEO and JULIET and MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO enter from opposite sides of the stage.

ROMEO: Mercutio!

MERCUTIO: Romeo!

BENVOLIO: Juliet.

JULIET: The one Montague brother whose name I don’t know. 

BENVOLIO: It’s Benvolio.

ROMEO: Hey, I thought you guys were going to merge our territory with the Capulets?

MERCUTIO: Too much heat.

BENVOLIO: We’re going straight.

MERCUTIO: From here on out.

BENVOLIO: That’s right.

JULIET: (to ROMEO) Why don’t I believe them?

ROMEO: (to JULIET) Because they’re lying. (to MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO) Well, good luck to you. We’re headed off into the sunset, as lovers do.

JULIET: Or you know, just friends.

ROMEO: We don’t have to label it.

JULIET: Are those sirens I hear?

MERCUTIO: No, I think that’s a church bell.

BENVOLIO: Yeah, we better go, wouldn’t want to be late for service.

MERCUTIO: Romeo, can I take back the car I loaned you in your escape?

ROMEO: I probably shouldn’t be aiding and abetting...

JULIET: (to ROMEO) It’s probably stolen in the first place.

ROMEO: … but you are my brothers after all.

ROMEO hands over the keys. 

MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO exit in a hurry. 

JULIET: Shall we?

ROMEO: Off into the sunset?

JULIET: Or, you know, to buy food. I haven’t eaten since we left the safe house.

ROMEO: That works too.

ROMEO and JULIET link arms and exit. 

BARD enters.

BARD: All's well that ends well,

And fates do be found,

So bonsoir and farewell,

And goodbye for now!

BARD exits.